Cookies on The Couple Connection: The couple connection uses cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use the couple connection, we will assume that you are happy to receive all cookies from this site.

Is He Leading Me On? I Really Care About Him ...

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Fri 25, Nov 2011 at 12:15am
Categories:
Sex/Intimacy and romance, Affairs and Jealousy, Making a Commitment

Hi all, I'm in need of some relationship advice. I'm feeling really blue about this. So here it is:

I've known this wonderful guy for over a year, and was previously with another guy but knew him as my friend. I've been single for a few months and am ready for a new relationship. So, I started hanging out with this friend, lets call him Brandon. Brandon is amazing, he's funny, smart, everything I'm looking for in a man. We hung out as friends, but he would always make sexual jokes and be extremely flirty with me. He told me I was the "girl everyone wished they could have" including him. So one night, we started cuddling, and it felt really right and we ended up making out all night.

He had been interested in this other girl previously, but he has explained to me that she didnt live nearby and that she would be leaving out of state to college and even if he wanted to date her she wouldn't be available for six months ... once we kissed Brandon intimated that he would rather have me anyway, so I thought she was history. I asked him explicitly "Would you want to date me?" and he said "yes". We were taking it slow and weren't official yet, however every time I saw him we made out and acted sexual/flirty/caring towards each other. He acted so into me I couldn't imagine he had doubts.

The other day I made a sex joke and he said "that would make things too complicated." I was surprised and told him he should have said something before we kissed, then he said something to the effect of "I'm really confused right now, I don't know what I'm doing about [the other girl], there's a lot of different ways things could go right now. You and I may still date in the near future, we may not, Im just confused right now." So I told him I was disappointed and would need space, but would be there for him.

I've really started to care for him deeply, I havent felt this way for a long time and I think I'm falling for him. I can't understand why he won't just take me - he said he's wanted me for a long time. I'm right here, the other girl is not. To be honest, and I'm not trying to be mean, but she really is not that cute. I guess Im just jealous because I have looked so hard to find a guy that I feel this way about and I thought he was certain he wanted me too. What should I do? Will he come to his senses? How should I act?

Thanks guys <3

  This was of help to 100% of people  

Comments

  • Sun Skywalker Flag

    It could well be that he feels confused because you two have turned what was a close friendship into being lovers.

    Being friends is a good foundation for any relationship, but making the switch can be confusing.

    I think the best thing for you to do is to allow him some space to sort out his feelings while making it clear that you will be hoping that you will be together when he has.

    Encouraging someone to be open with their thoughts at a time like this is tricky because you both will know what you want to hear from him, but you might want to stress that you really do want to be the first to know if he decides to try anew with another. If it goes that way, getting back to being just good friends could be quite difficult. As much honesty and openess as can be managed on both sides while allowing him space to take stock is the way to go.

    Good luck!

    Sky

    Fri 25, Nov 2011 at 11:13am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you for your comment, Skywalker. I keep trying to remind myself that if Brandon and I don't work out, there will be someone else for me, but I can't shake the feeling that we're just "right" for each other, and that all I want is him. I'm driving myself crazy thinking about it, trying to understand why this other girl is more special, makes him happier, is a better girlfriend etc. when I know none of that is helpful.

    Another plot twist that I did not mention in the first post is that my last real boyfriend (3 1/2 years together) was friends with Brandon. Lets call him Gary. So, ever since Gary and I broke up, he has told me that if I ever dated one of his friends or acquaintances he would disown me as a friend. Regardless, Brandon told me that this would not stop him and I from being together if it came down to that. A week ago, before Brandon started having doubts, Gary came to visit Brandon when I had already made plans to see Brandon alone. Not knowing what to do, Brandon invited all three of us to hang out together. Just imagine this : Brandon and I - lovers, Gary and I - ex lovers. Brandon could barely even hug me because Gary would get weirded out and jealous. The problem was, before I arrived Gary and Brandon had had a lot of time to talk, and I know Gary was talking to him about how he feels about me (wants to be with me again) and Im wondering if Gary could have said something to Brandon that made him feel funny about it.

    I finally decided it was best to cut my losses with Gary and stop talking to him for a few months until we could be better friends, and he asked me "why, are you starting to see someone?" This makes me think he KNEW about Brandon and I and might have said something to threaten him. He has told me before that if I "did something" with one of his friends he would "be betrayed by me and kick the other guy's ass".

    Sat 26, Nov 2011 at 2:15pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you for your comment, Skywalker. I keep trying to remind myself that if Brandon and I don't work out, there will be someone else for me, but I can't shake the feeling that we're just "right" for each other, and that all I want is him. I'm driving myself crazy thinking about it, trying to understand why this other girl is more special, makes him happier, is a better girlfriend etc. when I know none of that is helpful.

    Another plot twist that I did not mention in the first post is that my last real boyfriend (3 1/2 years together) was friends with Brandon. Lets call him Gary. So, ever since Gary and I broke up, he has told me that if I ever dated one of his friends or acquaintances he would disown me as a friend. Regardless, Brandon told me that this would not stop him and I from being together if it came down to that. A week ago, before Brandon started having doubts, Gary came to visit Brandon when I had already made plans to see Brandon alone. Not knowing what to do, Brandon invited all three of us to hang out together. Just imagine this : Brandon and I - lovers, Gary and I - ex lovers. Brandon could barely even hug me because Gary would get weirded out and jealous. The problem was, before I arrived Gary and Brandon had had a lot of time to talk, and I know Gary was talking to him about how he feels about me (wants to be with me again) and Im wondering if Gary could have said something to Brandon that made him feel funny about it.

    I finally decided it was best to cut my losses with Gary and stop talking to him for a few months until we could be better friends, and he asked me "why, are you starting to see someone?" This makes me think he KNEW about Brandon and I and might have said something to threaten him. He has told me before that if I "did something" with one of his friends he would "be betrayed by me and kick the other guy's ass".

    Sat 26, Nov 2011 at 2:15pm
  • Sun Skywalker Flag

    Gary sounds a bit of a bully who thinks he can control people - sounds as if you have done the right thing as far as Gary is concerned. Giving him such a clear message should also convince him that he's not losing out to Brandon, because he has no future with you anyway.

    If Brandon has been intimidated by Gary, then setting Gary straight may reduce any pressure that was being put on Brandon.

    I think you just need to wait so that they both know what the score is, i.e. there is another chance for Brandon, but not Gary.

    It doesn't sound to me as if the other girl is drawing him away - she might have the advantage of being unknown and so an object of fantasy in his imagination, but you sound like the sensible and reliable choice, so if he's interested in a serious relationship, then you should be in a good place. Hard as it may be for you, I think you just have to cool it a little and wait to see what happens.

    Gary wanting to be back you may have caused some complications for Brandon, but if he's got any sense, he will recognise that Gary's continuing desire for you shows what a good catch you really are!

    Sat 26, Nov 2011 at 2:55pm
  • Mermaid MikeNessMonster Flag

    So I decided to let Brandon come to me, and its been about a week since we talked. He finally messaged me asking how I was. I said I was okay but stressed out over life and gave him a lead in to ask me to come over. He hasn't responded yet but I believe he is just busy. Is it too soon to go see him? Its been 9 days since I last saw him.

    I also re-read the messages he sent me telling me he was confused, and with a clearer head it seems slightly less serious that I might have previously interpreted. I really miss him and the more I think about how I feel I realize how much I care. I am willing to fight for him, I just want to make sure my efforts are going in the right direction. When I see him I don't know how to act ... I want to be flirty to let him know I still care, but not over the top. Its such a tricky situation.

    Sun 27, Nov 2011 at 11:31pm
  • Mermaid MikeNessMonster Flag

    So last night, Gary sent me a long message telling me he had done some soul searching and really felt as though he had been very wrong in the past for being so opinionated and that he regretted being so set in his ways. I caved in and told him about Brandon and I, and he was very understanding, although he was sad because he still really wants to be with me. He told me about when Brandon and he talked about life, and he told me to be very careful about starting a relationship with Brandon because he was still in love with his first love, Sarah, and had nothing to do with this new girl who he didn't even know if she liked him or not. The knowledge that Brandon is still in love with his past girlfriend was enough of a kick in the ass for me to truly let it go. If we are meant to be together, we will be, but I cannot ruin out friendship by trying something with him when he isn't ready. The weird thing is he hasn't even mentioned Sarah to me. I had a lot to say, so I wrote him a letter. This is what I said:

    "Brandon,
    I really feel like I need to get this off my chest, and I’ve barely seen you lately so its not really an option to wait another week until I see you to talk to you about it. Things have been hard for me lately, a lot has changed in my life and I’m trying to keep everything balanced and all my friends happy and supported. There’s been a lot going on between Casey and I, and I don’t know how much you know, but I’m sure its just about everything. I’ve made mistakes, just like everyone does. Its hard to find the right decision when emotions are present and you’re being pulled in two directions. I want Casey to be happy, but I’m not in love with him anymore, and he needs to find his own path. I’m saying this to you because I know as a friend you’re concerned about both of us. He sent me a really deep heartfelt message last night, telling me how he was sorry for being so set in his ways and not accepting other’s opinions and thoughts on subjects he always claimed to be right in, even though he was sometimes wrong. I took a leap and explained to him what was in my heart, and he accepts how I feel and isn’t angry and was surprisingly accepting, as he already had a gut feeling something was happening anyway. Regardless of how you feel about me, I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to him as your friend. Its not my call though. I also just wanted to say that I never meant to put any pressure on you in any way, and what I want more than anything is for us to be great friends. I want to be there for you – you can tell me anything, I’ll never judge you. I have a really deep feeling that there is something more you can’t tell me, and that you may not be ready for a relationship in the near future. Either way, I’m a firm believer of ‘what is meant to happen, will eventually happen’. This whole relationship thing pales in comparison to the fact that I want you to be happy. That’s all that really matters. Do what you want to do, do what feels right. Whatever happens, know I’ll do anything for you because you’re my friend and I always want to keep it that way :)"

    Mon 28, Nov 2011 at 10:56pm
  • Mermaid MikeNessMonster Flag

    Cat's outta the bag, Gary=Casey, doesn't matter anymore since he knows :)

    Mon 28, Nov 2011 at 10:58pm
  • User-anonymous joedxb3 Flag

    Hi All ,

    I appreciate if you can comment on my story Broken heart ...

    Thu 11, Oct 2012 at 9:44pm