Hello everyone. I am in desperate need of outsiders advice on my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We have been living together for the last ten months. Our everyday life is wonderful. We made dinners together, we go to the gym together, we spend a lot of time together, we never get annoyed with each other and we really love one and other. He is the most loving and affectionate man I have ever met. He is kind to my family and he has loved all my friends. 80% of our relationship is perfect. The other 20% has caused me serious anxiety and depression. When we first met we both loved to go out and party and drink. As time went on I wanted him to start growing up and bit and slow down on the partying. I stopped enjoying spending so much time with his friends because they were always so out of control drunk every weekend. I began to not want to spend any time with them. I have a very difficult time with trust because I have been in a very traumatic relationship in the past. I have been working very hard to trust my new boyfriend but he keeps breaking his promises. When we moved in together he noticed I stopped wanting to go out with his friends all the time. On occasion, we would and just the thought of it causes me to have full-blown anxiety attacks. I believe I know the reason for this. My boyfriend loves to go out and drink. But, he can’t just get together with his friends for a drink, or two, or five or ten. He goes out with them and drinks until he is belligerent drunk.
We have had a fight, after fight, after fight, after fight about the time he comes home at night. When he goes out with his friends he either doesn’t come home at all or he comes home at 4/5 in the morning. This has caused me to not be able to trust him. After the first time that he didn’t come home, he never told me where he was or what he was doing. This was the start of it all. I began to get anxiety if he would even mention going out with his friends. He promised me over and over again he would never do that again and he would always come home. A few weeks after he doesn’t come home. A few weeks after he doesn’t come home once again. After each and every time we fight for days about it. He promises me he will come home. It bothers him that I can’t stand his friends but, it’s hard to like them when these are the people I feel like he is choosing over me. This continues… He goes out and tells me he will be home at midnight. This for me is hard to believe but, he assures me that I need to trust him. So I do. He comes home at 4 in the morning. We fight for days. I tell him he is causing me anxiety, depression, fear, I tell him over and over again I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can trust him because he is giving me no reason to trust me. So.. once again.. he assures me it will never happen again and he will start coming home at a decent time. Next time he goes out he assures me he is on his way home at 3 am. He arrives home at 5 am. But, he is so proud of himself that he actually made it home. I leave for several days because I have no idea what to do anymore. I thought this made him realize he was going to lose me and maybe he would be serious about making a change. He promises me this will never happen ever again and he will keep his word.
Last night… He is out with his friends. He lets me know that after his hockey game he is stopping for a drink and for pizza. No problem! It’s ten pm. How long can a drink and some pizza take? He arrives home at 2:30. Throughout the night he texted me three times. Once at 11:50 letting me know he was leaving right away. Again at 12:30 saying he was leaving again. And finally again at 1 am. Saying he had left. I texted him at 2 am asking where he was and he informed me “I am so wasted I haven’t even left.” (note this is a Tuesday night after a hockey game. He works at 8 am the next day) I told him that I wouldn’t put up with one more night like this. So I left.. He was home when I left and I was crying and upset. He told me he hoped I “crash my car” and to “get the fuck out” he can barely stand or walk at this point. I leave. First thing in the morning he sends me several text messages informing me he has no idea what happened, he blacked out, he is sorry, and he doesn’t know why he feels the need to stay out all night like that and he feels like he has a problem with drinking (i keep telling him this). I haven’t spoken to him yet, I am staying at my parents’ house.
I need help. I don’t care if he goes out with his friends, as long as he comes home at a reasonable time. On weekends I feel like 330 is reasonable…
I want him to have fun and to have friends and to enjoy his life. I just feel like I am sitting at home and feeling depressed waiting for him to come home. I can’t believe a word he says because he has lied to me over and over again. he has a very good way of manipulating situations and making me feel stupid. All I want is a boyfriend that can go out with his friends, have some drinks then come home to me at a decent time. Instead, I have a boyfriend who does everything in excess. He goes out drinking all night long and either doesn’t come home or comes home at ridiculous hours of the night. After having someone break promises to you for so long it has just worn on me. I have a problem with anxiety, depression and I am seeing a counselor. I don’t know how to get through to him anymore. I have been extremely patient. The last time this happened was 7 days ago. Like I said he begged me to come home and would do anything to fix it. The first time he goes out.. he breaks that trust again. Please give me any advice you can. He is not a bad man.. he is kind and loving towards me.. but.. when he drinks and when he is with his friends it’s like a switch goes off and he is a different person.