My partner of 2.5 yrs and I have just split, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
We lived together for just over a year (in my house), he’s late 30’s….I’m mid 30’s
In March this year, we both changed jobs and were probably having a little bit of a stressful time. For a period after this, I felt like there was something just not right between us, and although I approached him a couple of times to talk my worries over he convinced me there was nothing wrong, and in time once our new jobs had settled we’d ‘get back to normal’.
My mind was settled for a short time but one night in mid-May I went through his computer and mobile phone. I’d like to add that I felt shocking about this but just had to ease my thoughts.
I discovered he’d been watching transvestite porn, logging into sexual social network sites for transgender escorts, seeking out crossdressers services, emailing them with inquiries, and calling them.
I was shocked and confused…I didn’t go to work the next day, telling him I felt under the weather.
I spent all day deciding how I was going to approach this and confront him.
I felt so hurt and inadequate, but equally, I thought if I could speak to him calmly he’d have an explanation. At worst I thought if he was confused about his own sexuality I didn’t want him to feel judged or ashamed.
When he got in from work, I asked him what he’d been doing during the 2 days he’d had of that week whilst I was at work…he just said not much really, playing the Xbox, tidying, etc…I asked if anything else and he started to be uncomfortable with the interrogation!
Eventually, I asked if he’d been watching porn…
He laughed it off…and kept saying no.
He was lying…
I eventually told him I knew he’d been watching it, I knew he’d emailed and telephoned male escorts…
He told me I was ridiculous and trying to cause an argument…
When I’d searched his computer, I printed everything off….so I gave him the print outs.
He was so embarrassed, he didn’t know what to say, he clearly felt completely caught out.
The only explanation he could offer me was ‘it was just a joke, a one-off stupid joke’ and he’d never do it again.
I didn’t know what to believe and over the course of the next couple of days, I just accepted what he had said and tried to get in with life.
After 6wks I felt like there was something still not right, I tried to talk to him but he repeatedly would say I was been silly and nothing was wrong.
Again I checked his computer and mobile and discovered each time he’d been off work and I was at work he’d been looking at and contacting transvestite escorts, watching porn of the same nature.
I asked him if he’d been doing it again and he said no, he’d never do that again and jeopardize us like that again.
I confronted him with what I found again…
He’d never stopped looking, in the six wks we had since the first time I found out.
He says he’s never met them, but I don’t know if that’s true or not, he lied about the whole thing in the first place so what’s to say he hasn’t lied about that.
During the following week we tried to make things right again, he said he didn’t want to lose us, and neither did I really but I didn’t understand his interests in the escorts.
5 days later we’d gone out for a family celebration, had quite a lot to drink but had a great day.
That night in my drunken state I mistakingly text a male friend with a text meant for my other half.
When I fell asleep he checked my phone and saw it, thought the worst and wasn’t happy (naturally).
Even though my friend replied the next morning with a message that made it clear what I had sent wasn’t meant for him.
When I woke, he said it was all over. He couldn’t do it anymore, that he felt like is cheated on him!!
He said he was going to his parents for a couple of days to clear his head…
2 days later I came home from work to find everything that belonged to him gone.
Since that day 4wks ago he won’t talk, text, meet…nothing. It’s like I don’t exist to him anymore and I feel like I’m grieving a death.
I have been to the doctors to ask for some help as I’m finding I just can’t cope, I’m constantly in a state, hardly eating or sleeping.
I feel completely inadequate, hopeless, not good enough…..why escorts, but why transgender escorts??
Was I not good enough?
Did I not fill his sexually desires?
Has this been going on always and I didn’t know?
I feel like the breakdown is all my fault – I mean a text to a friend incorrectly – is that really relationship ending stuff??
I tried so hard to get him to open up to me about what he was looking at and explain things. I tried to make him feel like he wasn’t been judged so he could feel comfortable to talk.
What did I do wrong?