Welcome!
Use the menu on the left to navigate the site, you might find some interesting advice in the Relationship Forum
Or why not explore the the Relationship advice section
Loss of Intimacy
Part of being intimate is being sexual together. When there is a problem in the sexual relationship it can be very difficult for couples. This article looks at some of the reasons why a sexual relationship might be difficult.
Loss of desire can be common in both men and women. The partner who does not want to have sex may seem as if they have ‘shut down’. It may seem as if he or she never initiates sex or has lost interest in the other partner.
If something is happening in your sex life this can lead to other difficult feelings, ranging from minor frustrations to severe distress.
There may be many reasons a couple stops having sex. These can be psychological, physical, due to your immediate surroundings or other pressures.
The psychological factors
Psychological factors are thought to play a major role in sexual problems. How you feel mentally can have an impact on having good sex or not. The way we think can be very powerful and once you find yourself in a negative frame of mind it can be very hard to change.
Think about how you are feeling. Perhaps this could be influencing your partner too, how do you think they might be feeling?
Environmental factors
Where you live and your immediate surroundings might also have a part to play. For example, you may find yourself living with your parents for a period of time and this could affect your sex life. Remember, we are living in an economic crisis which may mean living with parents, dealing with unemployment or worries about money and debt. This could be putting extra pressure on your sex life.
To enjoy your sex life most people need privacy and time alone together. Sharing crowded space with others can really have an effect on your sex life.
What is your situation at the moment? Could it be causing a problem for you and your partner?
Physical factors
Sometimes there can be a physical problem. How do you feel about yourself? Everybody is conscious of how they look, perhaps you have anxieties about your weight or physical appearance. Accepting yourself as you really are and being happy with it has a huge part to play.
Other physical problems might include erectile dysfunction, low desire, vaginismus, pain during intercourse and premature ejaculation. If you are concerned about any of these problems seek advice from your GP.
Other physical problems might follow the birth of a child. Both women and men (although more commonly women) can be anxious about having sex again after the birth of a child. New parents can feel exhausted with the lack of sleep, busy lives and the stress of a new baby making it difficult to get back to the way it was before. There is more information on this in the section on becoming a parent. You can also post on the Relationship Forum
Social pressures
We are bombarded by sexual images in the media showing beautiful men and women with perfect bodies and this can be hard to cope with. This can make us feel as if we should be sexual all the time but real sex lives can fall very short of these perfect images.
It might also seem as if friends have the perfect sex lives, plus sex is a difficult subject to confide in others about, so it can seem as if you are very isolated and alone.
But sex is very personal for each and every couple, what seems right for you may not be for another couple. Each of us has our own needs and desires but you should be able to have a frank and open discussion about what you’d like and any problems you might have.
All of these pressures and factors can make us feel worse and add to the spiral of negative thinking. If you can break the cycle and start to think positively about yourself and your sex life it will help you get back on track. Watch the Relationship Insight The Circle of Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviours.
As a start you could try the exercise Building intimacy in the Goals and Exercises section.
If you are concerned about any of the issues raised above seek medical advice.
Comments
I have a girlfriend of almost 8 and a half years. We have been living together for 6 years but the last 3 years our sex life has been non existent. She has never initiated sex in the 8 years we have been together. She won't even let me kiss her. I love her more than anything and would never dream of cheating on her but this is affecting me as we'll as her. I can't talk to her about it. Anytime I do she says sorry and refuses to communicate with me until the subject has change. It has been 15 months since we had sex whilst on holiday and that was the first time we had for 10 months before. I feel really depressed about this. I want to be in a loving intimate relationship. She is beyond beautiful and I can't imagine my life without her but the longer this goes on the more I think that maybe we shouldn't be together. I want marriage and I want kids. I'm 28 and she is 26 and we have our whole life in front of us. I've suggested counselling and speaking to a doctor but nothing works. I really need some help and advice.
My girlfriend slept with another man so in anger and revenge I slept with her best friend, 4 months down the line we are trying to work things out because we really do love each other and it is going great. We are the best of friends like we were before it all happened. However we have lost our sexual intimacy, we still kiss and cuddle but as soon as it gets close to us having sex, she gets upset and starts to think about her friend and me. She does want to get back to us having sex regularly as do I but she is finding it so hard. What can we do? I don't want to lose her and I know she doesn't want to lose me but before what happened we used to have sex very regularly and had a really close and great connection. Is there anything we can do to help her move on and for us to get that connection back?
The word intimate refers to your private and essential being. Usually people think it means sharing personal information or having sex. Real intimacy is far more. It makes you feel content, empowered, whole, peaceful, alive, and happy. It transforms and nurtures you. Physical closeness, sex, and romance are important to a relationship, but emotional intimacy revitalizes and enlivens it.
http://www.whatiscodependency.com/intimacy/
To the last poster. I can understand how difficult the lack of intimacy is for you. Perhaps for your partner too? It might be worth checking with her Gp if there might be some medical reason for this, depression perhaps.
There is some very good advice on this part of the site, but you may find that if you make a new post on the relationship forum more people may read it and respond.
Myself and my partner had a child coming up to 2 years ago now and from having a very healthy sex life before our child was born I can now count on both hands the amount of times we have made love since. I have talked to her and have respected what she has had to say in return but there is only so many times each month I can hear the same excuses of being tired and that she will put more of an effort in. I love her very much but I feel less and less confident as the days go by and for a person with such high spirits this is causing me a lot of distress. I want to feel close to my partner once again, is this too much to ask ?
I couldn't have romance with my wife . even i want
physically i am very strong , but i was very good even best at romance with my girl friend
I couldn't have romance with my wife . even i want
physically i am very strong , but i was very good even best at romance with my girl friend
Dear Johnny010,
You sound as though you're having a relly tough time at the moment and it would be good to get some help with your problems. Panic attacks and agrophobia rarely just 'disappear', but with some professional help you should be able to work through things and start to live again. I can't imagine how awful it must be to sit on a sofa all day, smoking - and if you really don't like it then please do something about it and go get some help!
You owe it to yourself, your wife and your daughter. There are lots of websites offering help, but they might prove to be expensive and I don't know enough to be able to recommend a reliable one. It's probably best to start with your GP - do you have a friend who would go with you maybe?
There are probably others in the community in the same boat as you. If you post on the 'Talk it Out' section you might find more support and hopefully some inspiration from others. Your post is hidden when you put it here and I only found it by pure chance.
I hope it all works out for you - but please get some help to start your life again - I bet your wife and duaghter have been missing you.
look at what you have we are easy to judge people as for the panic attacks go out you have nothing to be afraid of panic makes us survive you get ready to fight or flight as this panic has started so you cant get harmed so live life to the fulliest
Finding out that my wife dose not love me or has never loved me, blew my mind. This happened 6 years ago. Our marrage was not good before that anyway. She was haveing councelling and between her and her councelor, decided that she should tell me how she felt. I have been having panic attacks for all of my marrage. I was head over heels in love with her when we got married. When we were on honemoon in Kenya, she told me then that she was in love with another man. But she said she would marry me anyway. I was of course very happy at that. At least, I would have her and not him. Strange things happen when your in love. That was thirty years ago. We had a little boy a year after being married. He was born mentaly and physicaly dissabled. We adored him so much. He was a wonderful little boy. When he was thirteen, we lost him to illness. We were both devestated at this. We did have out precious little girl who was only four when he passed on. She also loved him. We are so very proud of her. She is at Unni and doing wonderful things with her life. She is now twent two years old.
I am at home evry day, unable to leave my home because of panic attacks and agoraphobia. They never seem to let up. I know my anx. level is always right up there and my stress level is is just as bad. I would leave home in a heartbeat but I feel toltaly trapped. I am so depentant on my wife and daughter to get about. I don't get out much at all. They are usually out doing something on theit own or together. My health is not good. I sit watching TV most of the time smoking ciggs. That Iknow is not good. When I get stressed, I always lose my breath very easily. So, can anyone give my some good constructive advice? Oh, i'm not looking for a quick fix. That's not why i'm here. Just let me know what you think I could do or should do. Where do I go for support? Thank you for reading this and take good care.
Thank you again.
Many couples—most without being aware of it—grow comfortable with alternative forms of intimacy that allow them to express familiarity, caring, or engagement with their partners in ways that are equally meaningful and more natural to their daily lives and personalities. Trust, empathy, communication, and the ability to depend on a partner usually grow in importance over time. These forms of intimacy are sometimes difficult for outsiders to detect, let alone interpret. Friends may find that intimacy and sharing experiences and thoughts increase over time.
Thanks
Relationship problem advice