I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We have a joint mortgage in negative equity due to market crash: My boyfriend makes a good living and pays for most of the bills, etc. I pay some bills and contribute what l can towards the mortgage. I have just started a small business and l am building a client base. As l am self-employed you have to take the good with the bad as some days are quiet. I’m making about £800 a month so far. I work full time but l struggle as l suffer from endometriosis and l am in pain most days so l sometimes have to leave early.
I have been unhappy in my relationship for a while. My boyfriend and l get on well but there is no spark between us. We are more like flatmates than boyfriend-girlfriend. We have nothing in common apart from watching movies. We never go out together, talk (he isn’t a talker)or have sex. I don’t feel desired as he never comes onto me or even kisses me goodnight.l don’t understand as l am an ex-model and told l am still attractive by friends and family. I am only 32 so everything is still pointing the right way lol. My boyfriend plays football 5 times a week as he plays for a team and his football has always been number one .l often say to him about the lack of spark and he just says that l think too much. He is a mans man and into sports and l am into music and Art.
We were both brought up in working-class families. However, I am well spoken, have manners and was brought up in quite a bohemian environment. My boyfriend is very slang, has no manners and was brought up around football, a mother who did everything and a father who had no respect for his mother. I met him at a low point in my life after a very negative but passionate relationship with my first love. My first love was a very intellegent, good looking and passionate man but l suffered mind games for years and finally got out.
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When l met my current boyfriend l felt l could read him so easily and that made me feel more in control. I fell into a comfortable routine and we eventually bought a house together with a huge 30 year mortgage (stupid mistake l know as I’ve never been in love with him although l do care for him ) He want us to have a child now and l am not ready nor do l want to due to the relationship difficulties . I also know that if l had a child l would have to do everything. He believes that you must have children to make your life whole. I don’t have a great desire to have a child (probably feel different if l met the right guy but never going to meet him while I’m here )He also has a very immature belief that having a child would be a piece of cake (he would think that as the men in his family don’t do the hard work and think they are big men because they prove they don’t shoot blanks . Any man can be a sperm donor but it takes a real man to be a true father !).
I feel frightened to leave as l only started my new small business a few months ago and l am not guaranteed money every week If l am quite so how would l pay bills on my own !? I can’t move in with my mum as she has a drinking problem and all my friends are married with children. I am very frustrated and don’t know what to do or where to turn for advice! I think l deserve to be happy and have a sex life. I am only a young woman!
