I’m 40 and my husband is 45, we’ve been together 16 years married for 9 and have two children aged 7 and 4. I feel our relationship has been on a decline for some time, and it’s an only more recent reflection that has made me realize this and how unhappy I’ve been. I’m not sure whether he realises or if he thinks that everything is kind of ok. We don’t really talk anymore, conversations are usually just about logistics of who’s taking which child were, collecting them or dropping them off at school, etc. We don’t have a sex life; it’s been nearly 2 years since we had sex and I can count on one hand the number of times in the last 6 years. We even went to Mauritius for a friend’s wedding last year without the kids. But we had no intimacy whilst we were away. I don’t even get any cuddles or kisses anymore. But to be honest my feelings for him in that way have changed over the years, so now I don’t even feel I want that sort of intimacy with him. Although we don’t argue as such that often, there is frequent bickering and over the last few years I’ve grown uncomfortable at home as I feel he constantly picks at things. Like if I leave a glass out or haven’t tidied something away. A couple of years ago I got bullied at work and lost all self-confidence. I was signed off work with anxiety and stress and feel he offered me no support through this time. Which considering years ago I supported him for years while he suffered from depression. It felt like a real blow that he wasn’t there to support me.
About 6 months ago I started having an affair with an older man. He’s 56 and separated from his wife for over a year. I didn’t think much would come from it but as time has gone on we’ve fallen in love. It’s made me realize the affection and love I’ve been missing for so long. Having someone who is supporting me, looking after me, just giving me cuddles and affection. We’ve talked about being together properly and building a life together, however, he suggested not saying anything to my husband until the new year so that my kids can have a happy Christmas.
I have no one to talk to about what has been happening. I’ve mentioned nothing to any friends or family for fear of what they might say.
I’ve only been married once and I always thought it was something I would only do them once. That my kids would grow up with both parents together. But I just don’t feel I can continue in this way with how I feel. With my life as it is. But we have a comfortable life with no money worries or anything. So I worry slightly about how things might change.
My other main worry is how to start a conversation with my husband about things. I’ve never had to have this sort of conversation with anyone before. I’m scared about how he’ll react. About what will happen next. The man I’ve been seeing suggested I I should look to end things with my husband, then after some time we’ll officially start dating and bring things on gradually to try to minimize any upset and keep things as stable as possible for my kids. But I just don’t know how or what to say to my husband. Any advice, please? Any thoughts or comments on my situation. With no one else to talk to I feel I don’t have a sounding board to help me through this time. I hope some people here can help me, please.