Hi… Sorry, but this is a big one:
My girlfriend, from what I know of, has had some very bad relationships in the past where they have either cheated or just walked out on her without any explanation, and even beaten her. She has developed some very deep affection issues to the point where she gets scared of affection and sex (yet IF sex does happen she really enjoys it but it’s impossible to initiate it in the first place). She won’t kiss properly, always a quick peck, and if I kiss her any longer than a few seconds she gets uncomfortable and will either push me away or say a very cruel remark (that I really don’t think she means, but it hurts none the less… its just a reflex reaction to get me away from her).
We were best friends for many years, we couldn’t be separated, we finally got together 9 months ago after she built up the courage to ask me out (by letter, suppose its easier to write than say it for somebody like that)
All in all, she is very cold. We have MANY long talks and for a few days afterward I can see she is making an effort to show me she cares, but then she goes right back to being extremely distant and selfishly demanding as she has absolutely no concern for me. She tells me she loves me and even tells me she wants to start a family with me and grow old together but they are just words now because the words don’t match the actions.
I have been told by herself and her family that she never used to be that way, she used to be very affectionate, it’s just some very bad boyfriends have ‘messed’ her up.
About me: I am extremely affectionate… I massage her feet, love to kiss, love to cuddle, love to talk and socialize and get on with all her friends… I even paint her toenails, play with and style her hair (which I’m getting quite good at now lol)… I love her to pieces and love pampering her every single day. we are (or sometimes are anyway) best friends as well as partners.
I need affection in my life, it keeps me smiling all day… without it, I feel unloved and unappreciated. I am very understanding (I have lived with this for 9 months so far) and I always try and help her even though she just insulted or hurt me, I try and understand that it may not be ‘HER’ and try and get her to talk about it (although sometimes I can be so down I bite back).
So, I’m extremely affectionate and she is scared of affection.
The main problem is that when we talk about it and come to an agreed course of action (after discussing possible psychology etc.) she makes a little effort then a couple of days later she almost just forgets about all of it and we end up at square one again. And this has been going on for 9 months now… I don’t mind helping her through it, but it’s making me very very miserable, and if I could just see her genuinely want to break her barriers for me I would be able to see light at the end of the tunnel and persevere whether it be another 2 months or another 2 years, just as long as I can still see that light…
…If I can’t see that she genuinely wants to break these barriers, then all I can see is this miserableness forever and don’t know when to ‘draw the line’ and say I can’t live like this. She will ignore me, I run around all day for her but if I ask her if she could make me a cup of coffee she won’t or will do it but angrily (but that’s when she is cold and distant with me… then I eventually reach a point where I HAVE to say something close to a nerve, and everything changes for the next couple of days, before going right back to cold and distant).
She tells me she does want to give her all to me (and I know she means it… I have known her for many years as best friends and I know she is sincere and I KNOW that all this coldness isn’t really her), but she does nothing about it to solve it and would much rather just ignore it… and ignore me as well.
She also tells me it actually makes her coldness with me worse when she thinks that her being cold with me is messing up her shot with “her soulmate and love of her life”.
I don’t know what to do anymore. We don’t have enough money to afford psychiatrists and therapists, I don’t know if I can survive in this relationship, but I know that I love her, and I know underneath all the issues she is a wonderful, caring and passionate, beautiful woman… I REALLY DO want to help her back to the woman she used to be for many years before she got repeatedly burnt by all them a***holes, but the reality of day to day is I’m treated like dog crap by the woman I love, and I’m reaching a point where I feel like just jumping off a bridge or something because its making me seriously depressed and confused.