My husband and I have been together for ten years and married for three. We have two children, a five year old and a two year old.
We’ve had a turbulent relationship which at the beginning was mainly due to my paranoia. When we first got together he was a laid back, down to earth, loving person. Back then I don’t think I had a reason to be paranoid but I would cause huge rows if he went out or did anything without me and I would check his emails and phone. Our rows even got violent with me lashing out when Id convinced myself that he was cheating on me.
We’ve split up twice each time for a few months and both times he was the instigator of this.
Last week I was putting clothes away in his wardrobe and came across an STD appointment card and a leaflet on gonorrhea. When I asked him about it he said someone had given him a blow job last summer when we’d split up.
I didn’t believe this was all that could’ve been because his behavior had been suspicious for around four months.
Even though he had been tested over a month ago he hadn’t phoned for the results so he still didn’t know what he had. They’d given him antibiotics anyway but he would’ve been reinfected as we’d since had unprotected sex.
I made him phone for the results and he’d tested positive for gonorrhea and chlamydia.
I got myself an appointment at the STD clinic and they gave me antibiotics.
The doctor in the clinic said it wouldn’t have been possible to catch gonorrhea months ago as symptoms start within 1-3 weeks.
At first he continued to lie (unbelievably!) but eventually we sat down and he told me that he’d been out in February and made a huge mistake by getting really drunk and someone he worked with had given him a blowjob. He also said that when we’d split up 7 years ago he’d been seeing someone at work and was having regular sex and staying at her house.
I kicked him out and he went to his parents house but I still felt there was something else he hadn’t told me, he was adament that everything was out in the open.
Last year Id suspected he was cheating on me with a colleague so I threatened to send her a message and tell her about the STDs so that she’d tell me what was going on.
He came round again and admitted he’d been having regular sex with her last summer and he promised me that that really was everything out in the open.
He’s told me hes sorry and he’s only done these things when we’ve hit a rough patch and when we’re happy he wouldn’t dream of doing anything like this. He’s said that he hasn’t loved any of them and that it was just a release from our problems.
Im in turmoil about this, I keep having visions of him and these girls together and it kills me.
He has betrayed me not once but three times and I don’t know if I can forgive him.
He has obviously done wrong and we need to get to the root of it, such as why he did what he did in February when things were good between us (although he’d just found out that his parents were divorcing after 37 years together and was very upset about this, I don’t know if that could be to do with it) but what makes me want to work it out is that when things are good they’re amazing, we have a laugh together, play fight, and enjoy each others company and hes very good to me and the children, he cooks, cleans etc.
Our children are also very small and I don’t want to jepardise their chance at having a happy childhood with mummy and daddy.
He has said he agrees we should go to counselling and we both agree that we don’t communicate well and usually brush things under the carpet which could be the cause of our problems.
Any advice would be appreciated, I don’t know whether to keep him away for a few months which will confuse the kids or do I let him come back. My emotions are all over the place and one minute i think it’ll work, the next i think i want to cut my losses with him.