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Tips: Overcoming jealousy

Tags: affairs, jealousy, tips, overcoming jealousy, jealousy issues, solution to jealousy, how to deal with jealousy, jealousy in a relationship, conflict over jealousy
Categories: Affairs and Jealousy
Featured in Microsite: Couples Living Apart

Jealousy is a normal emotion experienced by many people in relationships, but it’s important not to let it get out of control. Our top tips will help you manage jealousy and work towards a healthier, happier relationship.

Improve your self-esteem independently of your partner. Try to spend time doing something you enjoy and that makes you feel good about yourself. It could be anything from a pottery class to exercising.

Recognise your good points. Make a list of all your qualities and achievements that will remind you why your partner loves you when you have moments of insecurity. If you’re struggling to do this for yourself you could ask your partner to contribute points too.

Consider other people. You may be able to rationalise jealous outbursts in your own head, but try considering what those outside the situation might think. Taking their reactions into account before you react can help you stay calm and in control.

Take responsibility for your jealousy. If your jealousy comes from your own insecurities rather than your partner’s actions try to recognise and accept this, it could help you overcome the negative emotions.

Change your attitude. Recognise that healthy couples have separate interests. Try not to get jealous if your partner decides to spend an evening with friends rather than you, make your own plans and look forward to even more to talk about when you’re back together.

Create balance. If your social life revolves around your partner it’s inevitable you’ll feel jealous when they want to do their own thing. By developing your own interests, re-igniting friendships, and carving out some independence you can take some pressure off your relationship.

Learn from past behaviour. If jealousy has caused issues in your previous relationships try to recognise this and use past experience to help you make positive changes in your current relationship. Nobody wants to make the same mistakes twice.

Share your feelings. Try to make your partner an ally not an enemy in battling your jealous feelings. Be open when you’re feeling jealous and ask for your partner’s support. Explain that you know the feelings may not be rational, but that a little reassurance from them can help you let go and move on.

Click here for tips on helping your partner deal with jealousy.

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  • User-anonymous Cynicalme Flag

    Yeh, finding ex-messages on someone's phone is gross. I always delete texts especially from ex's because once they are history, I don't want their garbage screwing up my present life. In fact, I keep ex's phone number but named them Assclown 1, 2, and 3 so I can maintain no contact when they try to call.

    I have a boyfriend who has kept all his texts since the dawn of time, and it really pisses me off. However, at least the whole picture is there, gross as it is.

    The thing about jealousy is, well you are entitled to expect respect /faithfulness from a partner. Jealousy crops up naturally when an ex rears their ugly head. It is normal to want to protect your turf.

    The mistake happens when you IMAGINE things that are not happening. If a partner is going to cheat on you there is absolutely nothing you can do to change their character. That is the risk we all take in relationships. It helps to fix your "picker" so you hook up with a decent person in the first place, not just someone sparkly and shiny and lovebombing. And sometimes you just have the bad luck to find a love yourself enough to walk away if that happens.

    Fri 2, Oct 2015 at 3:30pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I was in a relationship and marriage for 18 years to a man I discovered cheated on me through out it, even getting his ex-girlfriend pregnant at the same time as me. She had an abortion and filled me in on it 7 years after the fact. Needless to say I have trust issues after all I have been through. I filed for divorce after giving it 10 more years because I discovered he was online dating and still being a total liar about everything. I swore I would never fall in love with someone again, I swore I would never live with a man and certainly never ever get married again.
    Then I met the love of my life (I know it sounds corny, but its true). I was honest with him about what happened to my marriage, how my heart had been broken, how I have a hard time trusting anyone and especially a man in a relationship. He has always been extremely understanding and willing to be an open book and talk about things, something my ex never would do. I never get mad and fly off the handle when I am jealous, I have to remember he is different from my ex, I just tell him how I feel or what is bothering me and let him in and be apart of healing past wounds. It makes me closer to him and love him all the more. So much to the point that I am going to marry him. He has re-enstilled my faith in men. My advice is be honest with your partner, let him or her know where the insecurities stem from, talk to them when you feel insecure or jealous (in a non-confrontional way) and see where it goes. Don't paint everyone with the same brush.

    Sun 10, Mar 2013 at 5:12am
  • User-anonymous keely Flag

    I have never been so jelous in my life ....I had the perfect boyfriend and I love him to bits but I treat him like shot cause I was so insecure ...I had a really bad ex and I found him cheating on me and that's what I thought was gonna happen again to me and now I have pushed my boyfriend away its been 2 days and ain't heard off him he said he hates me but I want to make it right he has always said he loves me and that he cudnt be wif out me and wud hate to see me wig anyone else can someone please give me advice how do I get my man back!!

    Sun 10, Feb 2013 at 7:22pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    im female and im jelous of my ex's past...i kinda have reason to be but he hasnt cheated or anything like that but he doesnt get that some girls like to mess up a good thing that they dont have....

    Sun 2, Dec 2012 at 3:31pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm a 31yr old guy whos been dating a 25yr old girl for almost a year. She's amazing and I truely feel that she's the one. But i'm a jealous idiot. She has alot of male friends and I never realised it before until we nearly split because of it but I get really jealous of her spending time with them. I told her I didnt believe that a man and a woman could be just friends. Is that stupid? And after she's explained it to me I can see why she finds it easier to get on with guys than she does girls. Espescially coming from a farming background which is male dominated. Am I being stupid????

    Sun 4, Nov 2012 at 11:41am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hmm I totally know how you feel. Unfortunately I have experienced something similar in the past except it was photos of my ex's gf in her underwear. I turned into the green eyed monster and believe me it was not attractive. I took my jealousy so far that I couldn't stand him to still have the photos so I deleted the worst one that I could not handle at all! Awful of me I know but I had serious issues back then. He ended up dumping me because he felt suffocated and trapped and said I was twistedly jealous! Forget about the texts. As hard as it is you have to and learn your lesson never to snoop again no matter how tempted you ate. You are just torturing yourself. The chances are she doesn't even read those texts and they mean nothing but a nice memory. I know how hard it is though when you discover something that makes you sick with jealousy. You don't say how old you are but in my experience I'm not half as jealous as I was 5 years ago. I think it gets slightly easier as you get older. I know you wrote in April so maybe my message is too late but I hope you sorted things out in your head.

    Wed 13, Jun 2012 at 11:15am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i'm an insecure guy who has been with a girl for 2 months, it started casual but has developed quickly into a serious relationship with talk of long term plans etc... i looked through her phone the other night and noticed some messages from 2 flings she had earlier on in the year before we started dating and some of them were pretty graphic, and i'll admit we've exchanged some pretty saucy messages too, but seeing messages from other guys stating what they'd like to do to MY girlfriend really hurt and bought out some jealousy and insecurity, i also feel bad for snooping and wish i hadn't, this is still fresh in my mind as it's only been a couple of days since i read the messages, and i know she was entitled to do whatever and sleep with whoever she wanted in the past, i was sleeping with an ex at the start of the year, but i just want some good advice and support please!! cheers!!!

    Wed 25, Apr 2012 at 6:59pm