I’m after some advice from you good people about what you think I should do with regards to my marriage of 18 months. I am having more and more doubts about whether to continue working at it because my wife is becoming intolerable.
The main reason being that she has a foul temper and can fly off the handle in no time at all over the most trivial of things. It feels as though I have to walk on egg shells the whole time. And when she gets going there’s no way that she’ll ever back down in an argument – if she thought black was white and white was black then she could argue that point until I backed down.
We’ve had so many arguments that have started because she’s just misunderstood something I’ve said, but at that stage she will not listen to a single thing that I have to say, making it impossible to explain and nip in the bud. I’ve tried biting my lip and agreeing with her but that results in everything being bottled up inside me which has to be released at some stage, usually in the midst of an argument. And besides, I really don’t want to be a hen-pecked yes man.
Aside from the arguments there are other things that are really starting to grate on me. For personal reasons she doesn’t work. My wage is just about enough to cover the mortgage and bills so we get by. But for saying she is supposed to be a housewife, she spends pretty much every day sleeping in late and then surfing the Internet and watching TV.
Granted she cooks for me at night, but I am starting to resent the fact that I work hard all day whilst she does very little. And she won’t let me do any jobs other than jobs that I have done since day one (i.e. washing up) – the ironing (which she hates) is piling up high yet she’s too proud to let me help by getting mine out of the way (I’m not being selfish by saying mine – she wouldn’t trust me with hers).
I also have a little work-from-home job that I can do as little or as much as I want to earn a bit of extra money. This would be perfect for her, which she has agreed, but when I offered to put the wheels in motion I got accused of pressuring her into it and was told that she’ll let me know when she is ready (this has now been over a year).
Another major problem is my family. She has a major problem with them following an altercation that I am sure is down to stupidity on my mother’s part which was handled badly by me.
My wife is very unforgiving and has held this grudge ever since. Now she constantly brings them up in every argument. I only see my family now on the bare minimum of occasions (and she’s not seen them in over a year) but they are still being brought up all the time. She hasn’t told me I’m not allowed to see them but by giving me the third degree if I do, she’s making it impossible. My family are now asking questions and I feel that I’m stuck in the middle with no-one to talk to.
The final thing is that she is so needy. She won’t even have a bath without me having to sit in the bathroom with her. This means that apart from work, I have no release from her. She is also becoming more and more miserable which I don’t know what do about (she won’t go to a doctor) and is very very pessismistic about everything. She has a lot of time on her own and it seems that she uses this to think about things way too much in way too much detail, resulting in her becoming bitter and miserable. And she always complains that she’s bored (but doesn’t want to do anything that I suggest).
Over the past year I’ve been having more and more thoughts on life if I were to leave her. As it stands I think I’d be a lot happier. But I meant my vows and would dearly like to spend the rest of my life with her because I do love her. But if things carry on the way they are then I am going to sink into depression.
She wants to start trying for a family in the coming months but I think these issues need working out first (although the one time I tried to talk about this to her she turned it into an argument). I feel as if I can’t have a serious discussion without her going on the defensive and starting an argument, and she is so stubborn that she has already said that she’s not going to change her ways. But what if I was to leave?
Families would be hurt (including hers who have been really good to me), where would I go (I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of me going to my family, but with the mortgage I don’t have any spare cash for anywhere else)? I just don’t know what to do – all I know is that my head is a mess and I feel miserable and uptight (I used to be such a laid back person).
Sorry about the long essay but it does feel good to get things off my chest. Any advice would be gratefully received. I’m not pretending to be perfect myself, but I surely can’t be the entire problem can I? Please help.