Do you feel like your partner watches too much porn, or prefers watching porn to being physically intimate with you? You’re not alone. On theCoupleConnection, many of our users come to the relationship forum to voice concern over their partner’s porn viewing habits:
‘My boyfriend recently admitted he is addicted to porn and watches it a minimum of four times a week. It has been seriously affecting our sex life for the past eight months, as we barely have sex. He’s admitted that sometimes he prefers to watch porn and look at other women and masturbate than have sex with me’ – forum post ‘Boyfriend addicted to porn’.
‘He would lie about watching porn, he watched it about five times a week minimum but normally more – he lost count’ – forum post ‘Boyfriend recovering porn addict’.
‘He will go almost a week without having sex with me but he watches porn every day and claims he’s getting ready for me’ – forum post ‘What to do’.
This can be distressing, but it can be useful to know why your partner is watching porn, and how to discuss the issue.
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Why a partner may turn to porn
Sex in a couple relationship goes through peaks and troughs. There will be times when you and your partner’s desire for sex and intimacy are mismatched. During these times, one partner may turn to porn as a substitute as their sexual needs aren’t being met.
Porn also offers the viewer a degree of control over their sexual experiences. They are able to fast forward, pause and rewind and see all the ‘best bits’ in order to become aroused. In real life, two partners are rarely feeling the exact levels of arousal during any given moment during sexual contact. What feels good for one may not feel good for the other and so on.
If one partner is finding sexual arousal outside of the couple relationship, it can make the real-life partner seem almost irrelevant. It’s important to know the difference between having a sexual experience and being in a relationship in which you give sexual enjoyment to one another.
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Talking about it
When you are concerned about your partner’s porn watching habits and want to confront them about it, try not to come across as judgemental. Take the opportunity to be honest with yourself and explain to your partner why you find this upsetting and why it is affecting your relationship. You may find some of the skills in our How To Argue Better course useful when you have this discussion.
Is your partner addicted?
If you are worried about the amount of porn your partner is watching and suspect he or she may have an addiction, ask yourself the following:
- Have you noticed a change in their behaviour?
- Has your partner become withdrawn?
- Is he or she no longer interested in physical intimacy?
- During physical intimacy, does your partner seem distant?
- Does your partner spend a lot of time or money viewing/buying porn?
If you have answered yes to the majority of these questions, you may want to talk to someone, your GP or a relationship counselor, and ask to be referred to a sex therapist. They will help you both with what is going on and help you to recover your relationship.
Another step may be to log-in to our Listening Room service and speaking to one of our fully trained online helpers. Learn more about the Listening Room here.
