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Think sensual not sexual

Tags: sex, sexual therapy, sex in relationships, romance, intimacy, relationship advice, think sensual not sexual, advice on sex, advice on intimacy, intercourse
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Sex is not just about penetration or orgasms it is a sensual experience that involves all your senses and your whole body. Thinking sensual removes any performance anxiety and leaves you free to enjoy the experience whatever the outcome may be.
Exposure to sensory stimuli, promotes the release of oxytocin (a peptide hormone), which is necessary for sexual arousal and pleasure in both women and men. So, engage all your senses by experimenting with:

Touch: try different types of touch (and not just with your hands) and textures (i.e., fur, feathers, body lotions)

Sound: Play some sexy music or tell your partner about your fantasies)

Sight: Get dressed up for bed (sexy underwear or fancy dress), use a little mood lighting, watch a sexy film together

Smell:  A clean body is often best so that those sexy pheromones can get to work when you get ‘sweaty’ together

Tastes: Try some ‘licking’ foods or turn your partners body into a fruit salad

Talk WITH not AT each other
Couples who argue a lot tend to talk ‘at’ rather than ‘with’ each other.  Lecturing, nagging, moaning and accusing your partner are talking ‘at’.  The partner on the receiving end can become defensive, aggressive or might even become conveniently deaf and withdraw from further interaction. To talk with your partner try the PACT method (below):

Pay attention to what is being said by looking at the person speaking.  Show how you are listening with gestures such as nodding your head. And what’s very important, don’t interrupt.

Acknowledge what has been said by restating it in your own words.

Check from your partner’s response to see if what you said was accurate. If not, then amend what you said and restate.

Think before speaking and respond without making accusations, assumptions or judgemental statements.

Forgive even though you can’t forget
It would be trite to suggest that if you have had a problem you should simply ‘forgive and forget’, since forgetting is impossible and forgiveness takes more than mere words. If you are going to stay with your partner, you will need to forgive and to let go of the past. It won’t be easy to overcome the painful memories, but it is necessary if you want to continue to co-habit without conflict and stop your past interfering with your future happiness.

This means that whatever has happened is assigned to the same bits of memory as what went on before you met.  For example, if your partner has been unfaithful try to think of the affair in the same way as you think of the relationships they had before you met. No more recriminations. Don’t keep bringing it up every time something goes wrong.  Don’t let your suspicions and imagination ruin your relationship. Letting go of the past means starting your relationship new – today is the first day of your relationship.

Show your gratitude
When we live with someone for any length of time, there is tendency to assume that our partners know and understand us and there is no need to express our appreciation. Also, with the pace of modern living, it can become all too easy to forget to say or do the things that make our partner feel special.

It’s a big mistake to assume that our partners know how important they are to us. They need to be told or shown how beautiful we think they are, how grateful we are for what they do and how much we appreciate their qualities. Psychological research has found that reminding ourselves of the good things in our lives and expressing gratitude can substantially increase our happiness levels, make us more successful and improve our health and relationships. So both you and your partner will benefit from some kind words.  Tell your partner something that you like, appreciate or value about them every day, and tell them what you enjoy doing with them.

Couples that play together stay together
This might be the most important tip of all.  One of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship is the amount of time couples ‘play’ together. Play isn’t a luxury - it’s a necessity. Psychological research has shown it is as important to our physical and mental health as getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising.  Play helps us relax and to relieve the stress of day-to-day living, it can strengthen emotional bonds, develop the creativity, build resilience and enable us to develop the habit of being happy. Play encourages us to be imaginative, open and trusting, which are all the key ingredients of romance.

But whatever it is that you’re playing, there are two things you have to take seriously: being together, and the sheer fun of it all. No game is more important than the experience of being together.  If you have forgotten how to play then you can try the following:

1.    Sit down, close your eyes and think about when you were around the age of 5 years (no younger than 4 and no older than 7 – if it helps think about a particular event like a birthday or the day you started school)

2.    Now, think of the one thing that you always loved doing, the thing that your parents had to drag you away from – whatever it is you would always ask for just five more minutes (e.g., playing outside or with a particular toy)

3.    Next, ask yourself what it was about that activity that was so special and try to find an activity that recreates that feeling

If that doesn’t work sit down with your partner and try to write a list of all the fun things you would like to do together.  Failing that there are eight pages of idea cards for romantic and sexual fun in my book DIY Sex and Relationship Therapy.
 

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Comments

  • Profile_pic_2_ Opheliac Flag

    I wish I could send this to my partner, and know that he would read it and take it in. This is exactly what is missing from our relationship.

    I know I talk 'at' him a lot - because he doesn't listen. I hate the habit, I try not to do it, but if I don't repeat myself endlessly then whatever I'm trying to get across, simply isn't registered on the other side. At the risk of sounding like a spoilt child, he started it. He has always been awful at listening to me - anything from 'can you please put your plates in the kitchen' to 'we need to talk, I'm really unhappy. He refuses to add dialogue - I ask him, I try to encourage him to get his side of the story out but he just can't take talking WITH me seriously.

    He is.... reasonably good at saying thank you when I make him cups of tea etc - but I think that is more heavily ingrained manners than an actual appreciation for what I do. For example, when I spend hours each day cleaning the house or doing the laundry while he works he sees it as more of an inconvenience to him. God forbid I actually ask him to help!

    As for playing together? I love it - I love that physical childlike play. Tickling, play wrestling, chasing each other around the house... but he just isn't interested.

    As for the forgive and forget... we've both made mistakes. He's very quick to bring up my indiscretions, but is quite happy to forget his. The worst part being that I have punished myself quite enough for the two of us - my mistakes still haunt me to this day, and I will never stop hating myself for what I did - but he just doesn't care that he once hurt me the same way.

    Mon 9, Mar 2015 at 1:25pm
  • User-anonymous India Flag

    Buy new sexy lingerie. <3

    Fri 22, Aug 2014 at 9:09pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    For me all of that is common sense. But not for my partner. Talking like that is alien language to his brain.
    Everything has to be measurable, evidence. Achievement = measurable. I tried to talk about it and the outcome was so you want to do it more. To tell you the truth if we were not doing it at all, it would even be better. I would not have to face my mental frustration after sex. And it is not the fact I don't come, I do. But I have no opportunity to be a woman and to give to him. As soon as I tried to put some music on, or massages. His first reaction is " that is lazy" or even worst the sexy feminine side is a complete turn off for him. Since we are together I just decided to be and stay in the submissive mode for him to be the man. I will come but without any sensuality. I am just dying from inside. I even started to pay myself some sensual massage treatment just for the feeling to be touch and thinking my feminine side won't die. Just for respecting myself. Because of that, I feel from inside I am getting unhappy. And I have 2 rules in a relationship: 1 the best gift you can give to someone else is your own happiness ( so I am working on it) and 2: Trust.

    Thu 29, Nov 2012 at 3:45pm

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