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My Partner doesn't want to have sex any more - help!

Tags: sexless relationships, surviving without sex, sex, initimacy, initiating sex
Featured in Microsite: Men's microsite

On forum we see lots of posts about sex, or lack of it. Lots of you worry that your partner doesn’t fancy you anymore because they never initiate sex. The big question is often, ‘Why?’

It’s normal to worry that you’ve become too used to each other. But when you feel your partner no longer makes an effort it can become a vicious cycle; you stop trying because you think they have.

So what should you do? It’s a common problem, but being in a long-term relationship doesn’t have to kill off the excitement in your sex life.

Research shows its normal for sex to decline, but that doesn’t have to mean you give up trying.

And while relationships where there is no sex at all can breakdown, what makes this more likely is indifference to the situation. So take comfort in the fact that you’re worried about it; if you care you’re more likely to make positive changes.

It's true, lots of couples do “survive” without sex, claiming that “sex isn’t what matters in long term relationship and it isn’t the most important thing”. And while these relationships may last, the couples still miss out.

Sexual intimacy is one of the most important things that binds us together. It makes us feel attractive and loved, emotionally closer to each other, and relieves stress in our busy lives.

Remember there are lots of reasons why your partner might not want sex anymore and it may be temporary.

  • Tiredness from work or looking after kids.
  • Boredom from routine sex, it is all too familiar, or your partner’s body doesn’t excite you anymore.
  • Confidence (one or both of you mind) gaining weight, emotional problems between the two of you, unresolved differences in attitude toward sex, depression or a medical condition or a past affair.


But whatever the reason, sex is a really delicate issue. Remember you need to be kind to yourself and your partner when discussing it, but keep in mind that indifference will never help the situation. Here are some things that might…

  • Make an effort every now and then and you may find you can rekindle the passion.
  • Getting in shape and feeling good about your looks will always help confidence, and self confidence is good for your sex life.
  • Romantic nights in or out, getting dressed up and some nice food and wine. Make an effort like you used to.
  • Try new things in bed together. Even if it feels weird at first, try and surprise your partner, and don’t lose your sense of humour.
  • Don’t force yourself. Sex is not an obligation, and if you’re too tired or just don’t feel like it, it’s better to wait another day.

When you get used to each sex inevitably becomes less spontaneous and scheduled sex can feel unromantic. But it can be extremely arousing. So why not suggest sex to your partner every now and then and tell them you’d like some physical affection?

Resentment and thoughts like, ‘My partner don’t love or fancy me anymore’ won’t help. It’s hard, but try not to let the fears that arise when your partner doesn’t initiate sex affect your relationship; they’ll only put more pressure on the situation, which can be an instant passion killer.

Above all, have fun and make an effort…just like you used to.

If you liked this article you may find some of our other articles about sex and intimacy useful

  This was of help to 93% of people  


  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Id take a wham bam thank you sir anyday over nothing!!!

    my husband's drive is low, mine is high. he would be happy with once every 2 months and I like 2 - 3 times a week. Im a nympho cuz I want it more than him. I t has casued much distress in our relationship and much bad feelings on my part. I have found that by drinking spearmint tea I can lower my drive and we are on the same page. Im no longer miserable. people shouldnt have to kill their sex drives, but one cannot make someone else change. so you either adapt or go crazy. I dont even care anymore if we ever have sex again. but I can still have it with him when/if he wants it. just makes it a little harder to orgasm. oh well. at least Im not going crazy anymore. spearmint tea is great and Im trying to let everyone know about it, who is in the same situation as I am..... try it, it works. I use one tea bag all day....just keep adding water and heating in can also chew spearmint gum....

    Mon 24, Mar 2014 at 4:17pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I hope so as I'm 30 years old and cannot fight this on my own as not managing very well and the worse is that my man ex man is suffering badly too and it's the last thing I would want to do to him...I feel for every women and men going through this and guys who thinks that their woman does not love them anymore, please font leave her in it, just a bit of support can sort things out

    Sun 23, Mar 2014 at 7:22pm
  • Cc Esme (moderator) Flag

    Yes there are and I'm sure things will work out for you too!

    Sun 23, Mar 2014 at 7:18pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you Esme I really appreciate it and will try to get appointment with one of the organisations and will keep you posted, as I believe there are many women who suffers with things like I do, but still can have decent relationships and sexual life and I really would like to become one of day hopefully it might happen

    Sun 23, Mar 2014 at 7:15pm
  • Cc Esme (moderator) Flag

    You could see a counsellor at Relate ( or Marriage Care ( ) Marriage Care doesn't charge a fee but asks for donations.
    Both these organisations have skilled counsellors used to working with people with relationship problems. You can go on your own and don't have to be in a current relationship.

    You're welcome to talk to someone in the Listening Room too (available every day 9-10pm)
    I hope you find the help you're looking for and please post again.

    Sun 23, Mar 2014 at 6:59pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    To Esme, thank you for prompt reply, yeah it did happen to me twice and it's long time ago, but I don't know I asked GPS for counselling many times, but I never get one even in past I had overdosed and had severe depressions as not feeling normal compare to others. Is there any other way how to get help then through go, as I'm not British, but live and work here for over 7 years, but don't know where to seek help, when gp does not help...?

    Sun 23, Mar 2014 at 6:29pm
  • Cc Esme (moderator) Flag

    To the first poster,
    You might like to post this again on the main relationship forum as more people are likely to read it and respond.
    The pain you're in will make you less likely to feel like being intimate. I wonder though if there's anything that's happened to you in the past that makes you scared about intimacy. I certainly wouldn't want "somebody taking control over me" as you put it but in a loving relationship there is mutual respect, not control.

    I think it would help you if you see a counsellor where you can explore the difficulties you have in a safe and sensitive situation.

    Sun 23, Mar 2014 at 6:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm new on here and after reading few posts I can see that I'm not the only one who is suffering with intimacy and having sex problem...I have been with my partner for just over two years, when he left me due to lack of sexual initiative and intimacy from my side... I love him so much and don't want to loose him over this, but I don't know how can I change my way of thinking as this is not first relationship which ended due to me not being able to show feelings and letting somebody taking control over me... Can someone give me any advise as I need to do something about this I can't keep pushing people I love all my life away and hurting them as well as myself... Is there someone who can help me? I talked to go, but not getting nowhere... Probably should also mentioned that I suffer with endometriosis and severe pains most of the day's and on morphine and tramadol... Please any advice would be really appreciated as I'm starting hating myself for it...

    Sun 23, Mar 2014 at 4:52pm
  • User-anonymous redskins Flag

    I am at my wit's end here. My bf and I have been together for 2 years, lived together for 1. We get along, laugh, have fun together....except for sex. He is 50, I am 53. My kids are grown; he has a 14 yo and a 9 yo. I'm at the point in my life where I want a relationship with him to be complete. I know I signed up for this knowing about his kids but I feel very pushed aside. We have sex about once every few months. Yes, MONTHS. I initiate always (after a discussion with him about it when he told me to take the bull by the horns). Last night I tried again, he could not maintain, and we stopped. I said wake me up early in the morning so we can finish. He didn't and never mentioned it. I'm so worried - about his health, our relationship, lack of sex life. I know this is not good. We do not have much money and he has no health insurance so going to the doc may be out of the question. I have tried to dress sexy for him -- he immediately pulls off whatever I'm wearing and doesn't seem to like that. I have asked him what he likes but he is shy and not open about it. Please somebody help shed some light on this. I've been on this forum for many of our different relationship issues and always get good advice. Hard to follow it sometimes but I know everyone has a good opinion on a similar experience. Thanks everyone!!!

    Thu 6, Feb 2014 at 4:13pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am the one having trouble with wanting sex. I drop hints and try to tell him I want different things, but for him its the same every time. I dont want sex anymore, im either too tired or not in the mood. im at a point where I dont know what to do. all he dose is make comments abouthow long has been. he also keeos track of itin his phone. theres a lot of factors of why I dont want it. I feel he dosnt try to make it exciting. I feel like im expected to do it everyday. not sure what to do now?

    Wed 1, Jan 2014 at 8:32am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm sorry to hear that. If you don't mind me asking how old are the both of you and I assume you guys live with each other, if so how long?

    Tue 3, Dec 2013 at 10:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. For the first two years we remained intimate, until the third year. At first it slowed to once or twice a week, then to twice a month. Now it is non existent. I talked to him about it plenty of times and told him how it bothered me, but he just takes offense to it and thinks I'm trying to blame him for our loss of intimacy. We are not affectionate anymore, we don't even kiss. When I try to bring intimacy into our relationship he says to stop forcing it, and just let it happen. But once I stopped trying, it just stopped completely. I don't know what to do anymore, and he gets mad and says that relationships are more than just sex; he doesn't understand me when I tell him I want to feel beautiful and loved. I talked to him about it last night, and he just says he resents me now because of how much we used to fight, and he doesn't care how I feel anymore because I'll just get mad anyways so he does whatever he wants. But then when I talk about us separating, he doesn't want that either. I'm confused, and worried, and I cry about it all the time. It makes me feel bad about myself; it makes me depressed. And he knows it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel that there is nothing that I can do, and I hate it...

    Tue 3, Dec 2013 at 6:54am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I wonder if you found the article above helpful and if you followed the links at the end? It might help if your girlfriend read them too. . You will find other posters on the forum going through situations not unlike yours.. Why not post on the forum...more of the community is likely to read the post there and respond to it.

    Mon 11, Nov 2013 at 9:38pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm 31 years old my girl is 30, I've been with her for almost 3 years we finally moved in together it's been about 3 months, my girl is a teacher so she brings her work home with her a lot, so I do the cooking & most of the cleaning. Before we moved in we lived far from each other see we would have sex once twice a week which was fine because when we did have sex it was great & intimate & there was a lot of connection which was one of the reasons I fell n love. A little before we moved in she lost her drive and she's no longer intimate, we don’t have sex as much and when we do she’s not really into it, she does it just to make me happy for the time being, but it doesn't I need connection and it's not there I don't want a wham bam thank u ma'am I enjoy making my girl organism rather if it's by penetration or 4play and I don’t mind experimenting I like it, we use to experiment a lot. We’ve had talks about it she says she doesn't feel sexy because she's gained some weight, honestly I don't care about it I'm still attracted to her but if it makes her happy to lose it I’ll back her up, I try to cook healthy and I try to encourage her to eat right and exercise but then she gives up after a while. I think its deeper then the weight issue, she’s genuinely feels bad and cry’s about it, she say’s I make her very happy and she loves me very much and she wants to marry me in the future when we are ready but she doesn’t understand why or how she lost her drive. Were both stressed and frustrated and although I try to hide it and be understanding I cant help what I feel on the inside. I’m sure we are not the only ones that have gone through this please if anyone has some advice please help. Thank you.

    Mon 11, Nov 2013 at 3:14pm
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