Arguing or Worried about Money

Arguing or worried about money?
How we feel about money is crucial to how we talk about it, spend it and why it causes so many arguments between couples. Money and relationship issues are inextricably linked and research shows that its money arguments that are often the hardest to manage. In these tough times how to manage money better is high on most people's worry list. So this month on thecoupleconnection.net we have teamed up with Financial Coach and author Simonne Gnessen to bring you some helpful insights and tips.

Money and relationships
Whether we like it or not, money’s an important part of life. But it has a way of arousing strong emotions in us. Some of us love spending to cheer ourselves up, while others constantly worry about not having enough. Like many decisions we take in life, financial ones aren’t always rooted in rational common sense.  We each develop different lessons and experiences with money that shape our behaviour and the way we think and feel about issues like debt, spending, savings and long-term goals. Couples often differ in their approach to money and then attack each other for their differences.

The success of a marriage or partnership depends on being able to communicate about money. During your time together you’re likely to make numerous decisions that involve money. So it’s important that you can discuss it openly and without argument. One way to avoid judging each other’s differences is to understand each other’s money mindsets. You can then start to make connections between your money mindsets and any current relationship issues.

So, here are some questions to get you started:

•    What are your ‘money memories’ as a child? Try to share one story.
•    What money messages did you learn from your parents or guardians? Does one ‘saying’ come to mind?
•    What does money mean to you now?
•    How do you feel about getting into debt?
•    What’s your definition of being wealthy?
•    What would you do with a big windfall?
•    What do you think of people who make a lot of money?
•    What would it take for you to feel financially secure?

When you understand each other’s different money mindsets you’re less likely to allow current challenges to put a strain on your relationship. Compromises can be reached but only when you know where each other are coming from.

Try the quiz below and see how you get on.

Are you and your partner financially in tune?

When it comes to money, are you and your partner both humming along in perfect harmony? Or are you singing from very different song-sheets? Try this quiz to assess how in tune you are as a couple.
First, jot down your own answers to the following 10 questions.
Then ask your partner the same questions and record their answers.
How many do you match on?

1. When it comes to savings my partner:
a) Doesn’t know the meaning of the word
b) Discusses with me the best strategy
c) Probably has a secret stash somewhere

2. With regards to my partner’s earnings:
a) I am kept in the dark
b) What’s theirs is mine and vice versa
c) S/he lets me know what I need to know

3. Finances in our household are managed:
a) By the one of us who knows how to do it
b) By both of us on a fairly equal basis
c) In a haphazard way, they get sorted out somehow

4. Our goals for the future are:
a) Whatever one of us wants them to be
b) Mutually agreed upon and worked towards
c) Subsumed by the struggle to get through the day

5. My partner’s money style is:
a) Controlling
b) Sharing
c) Chaotic

6. I would trust my partner with all my wordly goods:
a) Only if I had to
b) Completely
c) Only if I never wanted to see them again

7. The last time you and your partner discussed money:
a) It was a very one-sided conversation
b) We worked out our finances and our future
c) It ended in a huge row

8. If you and your partner suddenly landed a huge windfall you would:
a) Pay off all our debts and invest it wisely
b) Spend some, save some
c) Probably get a divorce

9. You spot an irresistible object of desire whilst out shopping with your partner, who:
a) Talks you out of buying it
b) Negotiates a deal on it for you
c) Storms off and sulks that they want something too

10. When it comes to your children your partner:
a) Believes they should work for every penny they get
b) Sets standards and is a good role model
c) Spoils them rotten

How did you do?

If you and your partner match on fewer than 9 of your answers, then you have some work to do on sharing of wealth or power in your money relationship. Look at each others answers to get a clue to your partner’s money style.

Mostly A’s
One of you is holding too much power in your money relationship. Let go of the controlling tendency, if it is you. Try and talk more, find out about your partners desires and goals and respect them.

Mostly B’s

You’ve got a good money head on you and if you and your partner matched on 8 or more scores then you get along well financially. Keep Talking!

Mostly C’s

If one of you chose mostly C answers then money is a big thorn in your marital side and there could be trouble ahead. Sharing more and caring more would be a good place for you to start.
If you feel you need them, why not have a look at some tips - you can find these in How to talk to your partner about money

© Sheconomics 2010. www.sheconomics.com
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