I’ve just found this forum and am really hoping someone can give me some kind of input on a situation in my relationship that feels completely at a loss about.
We’ve been together for nearly three years (I am 30, he is almost 40). Compared to my previous relationships I’ve always found our sex life a little odd. With my previous boyfriends, we always did it at least a few times a week, they would never turn me down, would pester me for sex when I didn’t want to – and they always seemed happy to be doing it.
I have a wonderful, close and loving relationship with my current boyfriend. But there is a real issue with sexual intimacy – I’ve been telling myself that it’s a minor thing and I can deal with it, but the truth is that it’s starting to become a problem.
Even when we first started seeing each other we only had sex occasionally, it was always me that initiated it, and whilst we were doing it he honestly never seemed to be enjoying it that much. He would get an erection without much trouble but never seemed to “lose himself” like I’m used to guys doing, and he would never ejaculate inside me – he would always have to finish himself off by masturbating. Once made him climax through oral sex and he said that was “the first time that’s ever happened”.
The situation now is that we hardly ever do it at all, which he seems unbothered by – he’d rather we spent time together watching films, or talking, or hanging out with other friends – which is fine, but sometimes I crave physical intimacy.
I have tried all sorts of things to address this:
I asked him what he would like to do in bed, but he just answered that what we do is fine.
I have tried to speak to him about the issue, aware that I need to be sensitive about it, but he always seems to find a way to change the subject, or laugh it off, or act like he doesn’t get what I’m talking about.
I’ve suggested a bit of roleplay or bondage or some other games – but he says he’s “not into that”.
I have loads of sexy lingerie but he doesn’t seem excited by it. I even bought chocolate body painting and he just ate it on toast! Food excites him more than I do!
Img Source: sfgate.com
I don’t think there’s any problem with my technique, as my previous partners always seemed more than happy with it, I’ve learned some good tricks over the years if I do say so myself! Even if there is a problem, I can’t get him to tell me.
The only things that do seem to excite him sexually are pictures of certain celebrity women (not porn, he doesn’t seem to like actual porn, just pictures of them in short skirts, lingerie etc or just films with certain actresses). I don’t see how I can cater for that as I can’t make myself look like Katy Perry if I just don’t! At least if he was watching porn I could try and copy some of the scenarios! But it just seems to be about looking at beautiful women. He also enjoys going to lapdance clubs on stag nights with friends – but when I tried to do a lapdance for him he just laughed at me and said: “What are you doing?!” It all seems to be about looking at women, rather than actually having sex with them.
I do feel I look as good as I can do – I used to model part-time until a couple of years ago, I work out regularly, eat healthily, look after my skin and hair etc, get chatted up by other men, so I think I’m probably OK looking (small chest but that’s another issue)!, He tells me he thinks I’m attractive and compliments my looks a lot, so logically I guess he must find me attractive on some level, though the fact he isn’t affected in any way by the sight of me in lingerie and stockings does make me feel a little unattractive.
I’ve got to the point where I really need a second opinion because I’m at a complete loss of what to do. I feel quite upset because I love him, and our relationship is so good in every other way – we can talk honestly about anything except this. I feel like I’m failing somehow because I can’t help him to enjoy a sexual relationship. I love him, but I really miss having someone who couldn’t keep their hands off me, and who loved having sex with me. I feel like having that intimacy would make our relationship complete – but as it is, we’re floundering.
Does anyone have any ideas – I feel like I’ve tried everything. Even if I could get him to properly engage in a conversation about sex that would be a start!
