Cookies on The Couple Connection: The couple connection uses cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use the couple connection, we will assume that you are happy to receive all cookies from this site.

I have a boyfriend but can't stop thinking about someone else. Help.

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Fri 6, Feb 2009 at 8:32pm
Categories:
Finding Time for Each Other, Getting on Better with my Partner

Hi there. I have been with my boyfriend on and off for almost 6 years. He is my first love and i care greatly for him. The problem is someone ive known for many years also, we have always had a spark between us and i cant help but think about him. I feel i am currently unhappy in my relationship, im not sure if we really have any future and as much i love the guy im beginning to wonder if it may be best to go our seperate ways. The more unhappy i have become in my relationship the more me and this other guy have been talking. We talk online and text each other most days and i have heard through friends that he likes me and i think i like him too. The trouble is i dont know if i really should end things with my boyfriend, 6 years is a lot to give up on and i dont want to just assume something would happen with this other guy.
But am i really staying with my partner for the right reasons? If i were to end things what would be the best way? And what do i do about this other guy?
Please help any advice would be greatly appreciated, im so sick of thinking about this.

  This was of help to 100% of people  

Comments

  • Cc Morwenna (moderator) Flag

    You are feeling unhappy in your current relationship and I sense it is feeling a little "stale" to you, you say there is a "spark" with the other guy.  It is very normal to feel like this after a long period like six years, have a look at "Changes and stages in a relationship" on the "Check it out" section of this website.  It does sound as if you are staying with your current partner at the moment as a kind of insurance policy in case nothing happens with the other guy?  Could you be honest with your partner, tell him how you are feeling, and talk about how you could put some "spark" back into this relationship?   I hope you are able to work out which way to go.

    Thu 12, Feb 2009 at 10:41am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I was in your very same situation a short time ago. I had the same questions as you are having, but I figured it out. It seems that you really are staying with your guy for the wrong reasons. I was afraid to lose my guy, or our friendship, but I knew that if I was having feelings for someone for else I wasn't being completely faithful to my guy. I had to end things, even though it was very very very hard to do. You have to follow your heart and do what makes you happy. And obviously if you're doubting your relationship with your current beau then you're not 100% happy. Things didn't really work with our friendship, and yes that sucks, but I'm happy so I can't complain. I still think of him, and think how my future would be with him, considering we had been together for soo long. But the guy I'm with now makes me happier than ever so you just have to ask yourself, "Is it really worth it? Are you going to stay with this guy if you end up ending things with your man?" Hope I could help.

    Wed 18, Feb 2009 at 4:55am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you both for your comments and kind words. I did look at the 'changes and stages of a relationship' and it was very helpful. I feel like we were at the  'finding oneself' stage. And it did lead to me leaning towards the affections of someone else. We were both so busy focusing on ourselves and what we wanted from our lives that it put a strain on our relationship. I felt like there was so much more out there for me rather than this relationship which i felt had become rather 'mundane' and it was increasingly difficult to connect on a deep level with him (through no fault of his, it was more the way i was feeling about everything) I do feel like we have now moved on to the next stage 'reconciliation'. Ive begun to realise that all through me trying to find out what i really wanted from my life he was there supporting me every step of the way and it really reminded me of how much he cares and it reminded me of all the lovely things we share rather than the negative points. Its reaffirmed in my mind that i do want this relationship to work and continue, i had just been lacking in effort, id almost given up hope completely rather than working through my issues. Now that i have realised this i feel things improving, i love spending time with him and feel like im falling for him all over again. Although i know we're far from perfect i am now willing to really commit to making it work and that has changed everything. My feelings for this other guy have really calmed down, i wouldnt be willing to risk what i have now for something that may never be and i think this guy has sensed that and backed off a little. We're still chatting and friendly but less frequently and the flirting has pretty much stopped. But thank you once again for your advice and opinions, it really has made some difference.

    Sun 22, Feb 2009 at 3:53pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hey....im actually a guy and here is my situation:

    she has been with this guy for 6 years and they are living together....i knew of them for a while and knew of her for a while as well...one night about 5 months ago we were in the same place and for some reason she caught my eye.....so i approached her and just spoke to her for a couple of minutes....i then contacted her on a site and chatted with her through there and then it moved on to IM's.....and its been like that for the past few months. we run into each other here and there and i always love running into her. when we do run into each other we just spend time together and talk even though he is around but its just something we both cant help. her friends tease us and my friends think we make a great couple. my day just goes better when i speak to her and the day sucks when i dont. i sense she feels the same. i told her how i felt on a couple of occassions but i never make her take a chance on me. theres just this connection me and her have where its just so obvious but circumstances are such that neither of us can do something about. eventhough deep down inside I c us together and it just feels right....im 30 so i pretty much know what i want and have been through a few relationships in my life. it is really painful wanting something u cant have. something that u feel with make all the pieces in my and her life fall to place. in the past week it has settled down....we rarely talk and i try not to make contact anymore...and it has settled down on her end as well. but to be honest with u i think its something we are both struggling with....i have a hard time concentrating because she is on my mind constantly but for my sake i have to stay away....and hope this goes away. but, my biggest fear is that this will always be one of those 'what if's'...

    Wed 25, Mar 2009 at 3:12pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    wow this has actually really helped. i am in this exact situation and the one thing i was thinking was i have to end it. however this made me realise there is other ways round this type of thing. thanks again

    Sat 4, Apr 2009 at 4:34pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Love the one your with...?
    how do we light fires?
    Slow steady friction...
    Feel the groove...
    ride the waaave...
    out!
    el Angelo de dave...

    Sat 4, Apr 2009 at 4:44pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    haiz.... im experiencing the same situation right now and the thing is he is my trainer ... i love the closeness we had recently but the worst part there is that in that short span of time like chatting, emailing and texting each other i attached myself deeply to him and now i dont know what to do were both in a relationship with different people. all i want right now is to forget everything about him.... he's gonna be transferring on a different site right now and it really breaks me apart... dunno what to do.. i think i can't go on not seeing him each day, i feel like my day is not complete without me seeing him... its really so sad.... 

    Mon 6, Apr 2009 at 12:58am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

     Hey u upstairs...
    If this geezer is your trainer...
    I would be checking to see if u r getting played for the pootie, as theres always another hottie coming along in gymland...If so then I dont see why you should go nuts for this guy as he only looked at you as a trophy anyways...just sex.
     The harder you are to get, the steamier it is, and usually ends shortly after they conquer and get the prize. Im not saying this is the case, but I suggest being cautious that u dont get burned all round.
     Maybe this guy wants u as a sideline while continuing all his other entanglements...
    Have u thought about dumping all commitments and fandango to have some 'I love me' time?
    Daveangel.
     

    Mon 6, Apr 2009 at 2:57am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    U know ur exactly right how'd u know its all just For "THAT" actually the reason why we kept on textin each other or him makin me feel he cares bout me is that he had something on me i mean he wanted something in me and im fully aware of that... were actually both game towards that "Making out" Term however as the day passes recently we've been constant textm8s and also when he's around theres something in me that tickles when i see him,  for me i feel like i'm getting tied or attached to that guy. I know that what iam doing right now is very wrong..--> (to my partner), but i can't help the feeling that because of my stupidity and being a flirt, im messing up something, like myself and our relationship,
    I dunno whats happenin' now coz, the txting marathon we had for 2 weeks that almost lasted several hours suddenly went off ( We haven't done anything yet just to let u know) i juz dunno what happen... why suddenly it stopped or he stopped textin me.. ????  anyways thanks for ur comment i really appreciate it i can't open this matter to anybody thats why I decided to vent it out on the net.... hehehe (thanks **WINKS**)  (^_^)v
     

    Tue 7, Apr 2009 at 12:24am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Well 1st how much do you love the person your with at the moment are you willing to give up for years for another guy that might or might not work... if you are unhappy try sorting out the relationship you are in, if it does not get better you can just say i love you but i dont think we have a future together... then maybe abit later go out with that other guy, dont break up with him for that other guy, if you want to break up with him do it because that relationship you are in isnt working out...
     
    Hope i helped Yu

    Wed 8, Apr 2009 at 3:37am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    If you can't have the one you want, then want the one you have.
    -Blaise Pascal, philosopher

    Sun 19, Apr 2009 at 9:42pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i am in the same situation now but we are sexual and its been this way for about six years and i need some advice do u think its just a sex thing or he likes me and i have my bf and he has his girlfriend so write me i sure could use the advice

    Wed 29, Apr 2009 at 6:30pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi i am datin diz person n we bn 2getha fa 10 mnths n in n love bt dis person lks me n i dnt knw wat 2 do n 2 day we kiss n i didnt feel nun wat should i do help meh!!!!!!!!!

    Fri 12, Nov 2010 at 8:22pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have been dating this person who i love to death for 6 years now, but the problem is hes my best friend...and just that. I have been in love with my neighbor for the past 9 years ( im 23 , hes 28) and i know he likes me too, I really want to try it with him because i do not love my boyfriend in  a marriage type way, you know? i have no sexual feelings for him ( we are both attractive), but i love my neighbor in all ways imaginable. I could never hurt my boyfriend though, so i just keep quiet. i dunno wat to do..... 

    Mon 29, Nov 2010 at 10:27pm
  • User-anonymous Jenny Flag

    Dear Anonymous, Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about your feelings? Maybe he feels the same as you. If so, agreeing that you are best friends and will remain so could be a great way to move on and both think about new relationships. If not, at least your boyfriend will know where he stands. He may be very upset at first, but in the long run, you will be doing him a great favour. The worst possible scenario would be that you would drift into marriage and a family and ten years down the line both feel horribly trapped by the situation. Best wishes, Jenny

    Tue 30, Nov 2010 at 2:49pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you Jenny =)
    I totally agree with you, i know have to have this talk with him, and i know its gonna kill him, but ur right it'll be good for him in the end, and i can only hope down the line he'll find someone and we can be best friends.... thanks so much for you advice, best of luck to you Jenny

    Tue 30, Nov 2010 at 9:24pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have somewhat of the same problem. Only, I am engaged to someone and we are planning to get married. He is in the military and currently stationed out of the country. While we talk everyday, I seem to have began to lose interest in him, temporarily. One day I am so excited to see him on his next visit home and the next I am not at all excited to see him and I sometimes feel abnormally weird when he says nice things to me. Almost as if I'm weirded out that he is saying things that once used to make me smile. At first I thought it was because of my love for another guy, who is also in the military. We met long before my fiance and I got together. However, he went off to do his thing in the military and I was left here waiting for him. So in the meantime I found someone else(my fiance). But as of recently this other guy has come back into the picture, so to speak. We don't talk everyday, sometimes we don't talk for days at a time, but when we do I feel everything I used to feel for him and I wonder if there could ever be something there because he claims to love me just as I claim to love him. I don't want to leave my fiance for fear of hurting him and also, I don't want to leave him because a part of me wants to be with him but a part of me doesn't. And as for the other guy, I want to be with him badly, but I'm not sure if he really wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Though he says he does. And another part of me wants to put them both out of sight and out of mind and take the time to figure things out for myself, though I fear being alone. I'm never quite sure what to do and it's very emotionally draining.

    Sat 4, Dec 2010 at 6:06am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    if u feel that ur current boyfriend is not worthy enough for having ur love,leave him na.life is all about experiences.u cant have d ri8 choice for u on the very first time.just move on wid ur life. 6 years doesn't matter much.what that matters is that ur satisfaction on realtionship.if u like to have chat wid the othr guy,just carry on doing so.if u fell like u have lost interest in your boyfrnd,just leave him n start ur life wid the new guy .life is all about moments my dear.enjoy every bit of it.have fun!

    Thu 23, Dec 2010 at 12:18pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Same situation here.  Been with my boyfriend for 6 years and love him but just bored and relationship is becoming a bit stale.  I'm in my early 30s and thing I just need a bit of excitement.  I have tried to discuss this and did ask for a break from the relationship to find out what I want but we both got very emtional and it was really difficult to do.  We have a flat together and stuff so have decided to get through Christmas and the holidays and discuss it in the new year. 
    However, about 6 months ago I met a guy on a work night out.  We work for same company but rarely see each other at work as in different departments.  After night out just been e-mailing pretty much every day.  Been out for drinks together a handful of times but in the past month I have slept with him on 2 (drunken) occasions.  He is totally cool about it and we're still chatting and get on great.  I do feel awful but I just have this uncontrollable attraction to him, nice guy too and he knows about my current situation.  This will sound pretty selfish but I like the attention, which I dont really get from my current boyfriend.  I don't know what would happen with this new guy if I was single but  it has made me realised I am probably not happy in my current situation.
    Any advice?

    Sun 26, Dec 2010 at 7:24pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hie there
    I think one mistake you have made is sleeping with this other guy from your work place. It is going to be difficult to love your current boyfriend as you will have mixed feelings. You will start comparing how good they are when having sex and thats a big problem. Just break up with you boyfriend and stay single for a while to figure out what you really want as you have already started cheating on your boyfriend

    Tue 28, Dec 2010 at 9:56am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi, i have my own boyfriend and i can't stop thinking about my friends boyfriend. i text him all the time and we flirt and stuff. im in love with two guys what do i do? im clueless ssssoooosss!!!!!!!!!!1

    Sat 26, Feb 2011 at 6:39pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have a similar problem.  My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and I am no longer attracted to him.  I feel like we're basically just friends, but he says he can't live without me and he'll never let me go.  He was treating me very bad for a while and during that time I started feeling attracted to someone else who now just admitted that he wants me & I want him too.  But I don't know what to do.  My boyfriend is always talking about the future & getting a house and I really dont want to and I dont want kids with him either because he does somethings that are untrustworthy.  On the other hand he is really good to me and does a lot for me.  We also live together so that makes it difficult to figure out.  However, I am very concerned that I'm going to slip up and something might happen between me and this other person. 

    Mon 4, Apr 2011 at 4:00am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i love a guy 4rm a long time and he luvs me 2 and now a few days ago a guy in my scul who's 2years senior 2 me msged me and we had a long talk in msg but my bf disliked that, i wanted 2 make friendship wid that guy but the guy is afraid if my bf fights wid him and he's realy a jerk. he has given me signals about lyking me but due 2 my bf's nature i ended up our friendship again after a few months he msged me and then i again told my bf about my want of friendship but again due 2 his prbs i ended it up, i just can't stop luking at him, i feel heavenly when he's around me and can luk at him 4r hrs, but still sumwhere i can't leave my bf as he loves me lot and gonna break down if i do so. due 2 sum reasons we hv been fighting almost everyday lately and i was fed up by this so i decided 2 msg that guy 4r my peace of mind and i really feel quite relaxed talking 2 him, but again he got scared of my bf and broke d friendship but i still lyk him a lot and wanna b friends but he's scared. actually my bf's a very arrogant kinda guy and fights a lot. now hes not coming 2 scul and im totally stessed out and dunno what 2 do? pplz help! and i dun wanna break up wid my bf... what 2 do?     

    Sat 9, Apr 2011 at 12:25pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It doesn't sound as if you like your boyfriend much.  Why are you still with him?  Is it just because you are scared of him and his 'arrogance'?  Or scared of what he'll do if you leave?  Do you have any family or friends you can talk to about this problem?  Your relationship does not sound healthy right now.

    Sat 9, Apr 2011 at 9:19pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    So i have a boyfriend, it hasnt been that long but i really like him a lot. I never thought i'd get so close to him but i did. Anyways BEFORE i met my boyfriend i loved someone else, very very deeply, he was my best friend... and he just disappeared from my life. And now hes back, and wants to pick up where we left off. I dont know what to do, because i really like my boyfriend. he makes me so happy. But i dont wanna lose my best friend. Ive been waiting for this moment for awhile. Ive been waiting for my best friend and i to finally be together..but im scared. I cant bring myself to break up with my boyfriend..but i should right? ahhhh what should i do?...

    Tue 12, Apr 2011 at 11:46pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i'm pulling my hair out for the same reason too. i have a boyfrriend, been together for close to a year. ask me 3 months back and i'll tell you i'll NEVER conside being together with another guy because i was so in love with my boyfriend. we are so similar on so many levels i really thought he just may be the soulmate i was destined to find in life, when we first met. thing is, a huge part of me felt like i've grown to love my boyfriend more than he does for me as our relationship progressed on. he's a few years younger than i am, and more laid back as compared to me. so i understand why i've to be the one leading in the relationship. but it can be so tiring at times - being the one that moves the pair of us along in the relationship. deep inside, i also felt like he became comfortable and complacent, and doesn't try hard enough to spice things up in our relationship. i am so affected by all these, but i kept it all inside all the while. AND THEN somebody else came along. i am attracted to him physically, and because we work at the same place, we see each other often. we talk and text frequently, and even went out a couple of times. it feels good to be with an older man, to feel taken care of and to be led, for once. i feel like i'm falling in love with him, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND? i have such a strong connection to him. we like the same things, and understand what the other is trying to say before the sentence comes fully out of the mouth. i feel like me and the new guy are rather different, and i'm really at a loss on what to do. i know i'm being unfair to my boyfriend, seeing the new guy behind his back and all and thinking about another guy when i'm with him. BUT I REALLY AM SO AFRAID OF RISKING WHAT I HAVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND WITH THE NEW GUY, especially when i feel we are so different. i know i'm hurting the new guy as well, as he obviously know i'm still with my boyfriend, despite me showing signs of attraction towards him.
    HELP! what should i do? :(

    Mon 2, May 2011 at 6:08pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm in a situation like this aswell :( basically, i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 months now (which is the longest both of us have been in a relationship for) we've both met each other's families and i really thought he was the one i was destined to marry. We have so much in common and ive never been happier, he's unlike all of the other boys ive ever met and i really thought we'd have a future. I used to love spending time with my boyfriend and i would arrange my days around him, we talk to each other all day, every day. He's one of those boys who's personality doesnt change when he's around his friends, which i love. We've had some arguments about him being a flirt with other girls, which he still does and I just feel like the 'spark' in our relationship has gone and every time he says something sweet to me i dont feel the same as i used to:/
    Recently i have felt unhappy in my relationship and its because im starting to like another boy. Every time i see him i get a 'feeling' in my stomach and when we flirt i find myself having a smile on my face and i loveeee talking to him! He puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh, but then i think about my current boyfriend and i feel really guilty like im cheating on him. Im not sure if this other boy will lead to anything and im not sure who i like more:/ 
     
    please help, i need some advice. This is really getting me down and distracting me from schoolwork.

    Thu 26, May 2011 at 4:24pm
  • Cc Esme (moderator) Flag

    Dear Anonymous,
    I notice that you have posted a comment at the end of quite an old thread. It might be better for you if you make a new post-that way your post is more likely to be read as it will be easier to find. People on this site are very helful and supportive as I'm sure you'll find.Keep us posted please.

    Thu 26, May 2011 at 7:31pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. we met through a friend and honestly i was having problems with my boyfriend at the time so i was quick to jump into a relationship with him. as time went on i realised he's nothing like me. he's to overdependent and that bothers me a lot. besides i like very intellectual people and he's not the type. sometimes i dont even want to talk to him when he calls cos i never want to talk about the things he wants to. i recently met another guy am soo interested in. he's just my kind of guy and am contemplating breaking up with my current boyfirend. its not like i havent had crushes on people over the time i have been with my boyfriend; its just that non of them have ever made me think about breaking up with my boyfriend except this current one. am hesitant because i think my current boyfriend will be devastated plus am really close to his family and he loves me very much but i just dont see my self marrying him or nothing.PLEASE HELP cos i have never liked someone as much as i like this guy. not even my current boyfriend.

    Sun 5, Jun 2011 at 4:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i understand your sittuation. I have a long distance relationship, and now i like a guy in my class. both of them r really nice to me. What should i do? i just feel that the new guy and I can't be together. i have to stop talking to him and be nice to my bf. I don't want to be a bad girl who cheat on my bf...
     

    Wed 22, Jun 2011 at 5:08pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am in a relationship for 3yrs.The guy with whom im is very nice preson..he loves me a lot.but of late,im getting interested in someone else.he is one of my class mate.he is completely different from,and i really likes to spend time with.before all this we both were very gud friends.we started chatting and texting and ended up confessing each other.when my bf came to knw about this.he didint say me to forget him or watsoever.he jst said to take a right decision.the other guy also said the same thing.i was mentally disturbed for a couple of days.finally i decided to go back to my bf.i tld my fnd abt my decision.he took it calmly.of late,we r again messing up.it making me mad.i still like him.although i knw i cant get.he is also on the same track.my bf knws everything about us,dat we are still frnds.and we chat and texts each other.im getting a wierd feeling,dat im loving two persons at the same time.both are equally important for me.at the same time,im cheating them.plz help.

    Sat 25, Jun 2011 at 2:25pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Unfortunately, I know how you are feeling. :( I am dating a wonderful guy whom I love and have so much in common with. We have only been dating for a little over a month now, but it seems to be a stable relationship so far. However, I have always had a little spark going between myself and my best friends brother. Something about him just sets me off like fireworks. He is handsome and we hit it off from the first moment we talked. We have I guess...chemistry? I have known him for several years too. I am a senior in highschool and he is a freshmen in college. He is back from college now and going to attend a flight school (he is going to be a pilot) here close to home. Before I met my boyfriend, I was living with my friend (who is practically like a sister to me) for about a week, due to family issues at home, and therefore was living with her brother as well (my dreamguy). We had known each other for several years because I was at my friends house quite often, but we grew even closer during this time. We were like boyfriend and girlfriend for that whole week. (He has trust issues however because a previous girlfriend broke his heart and was afraid to make things official.) We couldn't stay away from one another the whole time I was staying there. We wanted to see and talk to each other all the time. He was my first kiss, and my first love. However, besides our personalities, and our strong attraction towards one another, we really aren't going the same ways in life...he does some risky things (like smoking, and drugs). He is trying to stop though for me. Then the day I was leaving to go back home, after my family issues had been solved, I thought he was angry with me for some reason...I didn't know what happened but we stopped talking, and i didn't hear from him. I was heartbroken for awhile, but then i met another guy (current boyfriend) whom I fell in love with. Not quite the "spark" as I had with guy #1, but at least this guy had so much in common with me and he isn't in to drugs or anything bad. Also he is fairly good looking as well. He also has a great family and his parents love me. He has even talked about getting married one day and having kids. :) But the other day I went to my best friends house to ride horses (I am going to be a professional horse trainer) and I saw her brother...he texted me, wanting to talk to me. I was spending the night, and he came up to the room where my friend and I were. She was asleep, and he just layed down next to me. He asked me "whatever happened between us?" and he was so sad, and I felt the spark again just talking to him...but I am dating this wonderful guy...I was soo confused and felt soo torn..he said "I love you so much, and I wasn't mad at you...I thought you were mad at me..it broke my heart when you left.." I started crying, and he wrapped me in his arms, and we kissed. I never planned to cheat on my boyfriend or anything like that, I love him soo much, but the chemistry I have with this guy just took me over in the moment. I told him "I don't want to hurt you...and I am so sorry, I just thought you were mad...and I am just so sorry for everything.." Then he told me not to worry and he never stopped loving me and I am the only one he wants. The next day I felt like such a terrible girlfriend....He wants me to break up with my boyfriend for him but I don't want to throw away what could be with my boyfriend...SO CONFUSING!!
    I need help.... :'(

    Wed 6, Jul 2011 at 5:31am
  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    To the poster above.  You say you love your current boyfriend but you have only been with him a little over a month.  Do you think that you fall in love a bit too quickly?  While you have feelings for both these men, I think you shouldnt see either of them.  Have a break from it all and see where your heart lies.  You cant stay with your current boyfriend just cos he ticks all the boxes or he has better prospects than the other guy.  Its not fair on either of you.
    Only you can decide.  Take care x

    Wed 6, Jul 2011 at 8:09am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Well, I can see a future with my current boyfriend. We both train horses and work on ranches. He is great with animals and loves kids. He has a little sister who thinks the world of him and he loves her to death. He is a great guy and I am really comfortable with him. It feels like love to me. I really think my first love was just lusty. I don't want to get tangled in a relationship based off of something so shallow. My current boyfriend respects my boundaries and is very understanding. My biggest fear is harming the "other guy" whom I do care about. He has been through a very depressing relationship that burned him badly. I know that there will be no future for us, but I don't want to do the same thing his last girl did to him. I guess I am too nice? I really don't "date" much and when I do, it's after I have known the guy very well and been through the "friendship" stage. I don't believe in week-long flings. Thanks for your help! it made me think...

    Wed 6, Jul 2011 at 9:58pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hey hun :)
    I don't have any answers for you I'm afraid for that.... :( But I am just so happy to know and think that someone out there is in the exact same situation as me :D Hope you find a way hun, as would I :) xxxxxx

    Sun 10, Jul 2011 at 5:00pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am in a similar situation.....I have dated my current boyfriend on and off for 2 years....i am comfortable with him and he is going to do very well for himself. We are both in college, I am 20 and he is 19. We have been together 8 months straight now and there isnt really fighting anymore, but i can't tell if thats because I just gave up. He has me up on this pedestal and sometimes I feel like he has this irrational view of me. I feel like making mistakes just isn't something I can do. He doesn't want the same things as me either. I want kids eventually and he doesnt. I want a big close family and he would rather spend all his time at work. He doesn't mind asking me to take off of work for something, but if I ask he throws a fit.  I also feel like I am constatly judged by his family. I have known them for years, but they feel like strangers. Thats just a few of the problems we have. Recently, I have started talking to this old guy friend of mine. He lives in another state, but are families are close so we see eachother atleast 3 times a year for extended visits. I have known his since I was 7 and I have always had this huge crush on him. As we have gotten older it has become more. Its like this connection I can't even explain. Its been there for years. He is 23 and when I was 18 he finally admitted to liking me for a very long time. We talk constantly and know everything about eachother. He doesn't judge me and his family loves me. I can't help feeling that my current relationship is a complete waste of time. We don't want the same things. I am so comfortable in that relationship and I tend to go back.... its become like dysfunctional. I dont like who I am when I am with my current boyfriend. I can't be myself. I want to firgure out what this connection my friend and I have is. Its gone on for years and it can't be nothing right? Am I being stupid? Should I try and make it work with my current bf? Or just call it quits and figure out whats goin on with me and this other guy?

    Thu 28, Jul 2011 at 9:43am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sounds like you have actually already made the decision!  You know you can't be yourself with your current bf, it is feeling wrong to you because he doesn't value you for who you are, and if you can't agree on something as important as whether kids are on the agenda, it doesn't sound hopeful!  I do think you have to decide whether the current relationship is on or off irrespective of thoughts about the other guy - either sort or end the current one first, and ifyou do end it then maybe you can talk to the other guy afterwards and see if there is anything there to build on.  It would be wrong to keep your current bf as a sort of insurance policy.  I am surprised you think the other man is an "old guy" if he is 23 and you are 20, sounds fine to me!  Good luck, hope you can work things out and be happy!

    Thu 28, Jul 2011 at 10:48am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am also experiencing issues like these. My boyfriend and I have been together four 4 years now. Lately I have just felt off kilter around him and we argue a lot and have almost broken up on multiple occasions. For almost a year I did not see any of my friends because him and I hung out every day. As of late I feel that I am more interested in a friend of mine (I did have feelings for him a year ago too, which I just ignored). I think I know what I want. I want to be with my friend but I am scared. I am scared to be alone, scared to hurt my boyfriend, and scared I won't make the right decision. What I am most afraid of is this: if I were to break up with my boyfriend and go for my friend what happens if the relationship there doesn't work out. The issue is I know I will want to go back to my boyfriend then but i know that will be impossible. I am confused and scared. I feel like my mind is out of control. I need some serious guidance and help :(.

    Mon 1, Aug 2011 at 5:07am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    To the poster above - sorry to sound a bit harsh but you need to get off the fence and make a decision! You're not being fair to your current boyfriend or yourself by keeping him as an insurance in case things don't work out with the other guy. You say you don't want to hurt him, but stringing him along while constantly thinking about the other guy will hurt him anyway.
    Why not talk with him and explain how you're feeling? There's stuff on the site to help you find the spark again, try http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/circle-of-thoughts-feelings-and-behaviour, or look at how to get on better with my partner. If that doesn't work then go for the other guy - after you've finished with this one. You'll all end up hurt and confused if you don't choose one or the other.
    It also sounds like you're scared of being on your own. Maybe it would give you time to reflect on what you really want from a relationship, just to try it for a while. Good luck.
     

    Mon 1, Aug 2011 at 9:26am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi ! I was really happy that I found this page. I'm in a relationship for 1 year and 9 months. We were in high school then. But when we reached college, I passed in a very prestigious school so I decided to study in this school eventhough it's 40km away from my family and my boyfriend. So I only get to go home once or twice a week. And then, I discovered from a friend that there was this upper class who happens to be my dorm mate who has a crush on me. When I saw him, I had a crush on him too. Then he started to text me and he once asked me to have lunch together. We only knew each other for almost two months. He's not courting me but both of us knew that we like each other. But even though we like each other, we seldom text. We're not that close and we are still shy from each other. We have lots of common friends and they know that he also likes me because he asks them questions about me. So, now I was confused because I'm not happy with my boyfriend right now knowing the fact that we only see each other once a week. I don't want to risk anything because my boyfriend loves me so much and I still have love for him.Another thing is that my family already know my boyfriend and thay already accepted him. I'm also afraid of breaking up with him for the other guy because he's not even courting me. Other factors that confuse me are: He's way more handsome than my boyfriend(my boyfriend is ugly but I still loved him. It's just that I'm sometimes shy when we're dating in malls ), he's richer, my fiends like this guy more than my boyfriend. I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. Who should I choose between the one I've  been waiting for so long to come in my life or the one who really loves me? I don't want to hurt anybody.

    Sat 27, Aug 2011 at 4:17am
  • User-anonymous Tony Flag

    To the anonymous poster above - the list of reasons why you find this new man attractive look pretty superficial when they're written down - he's handsome, well-off and popular with your friends - all these are things that make him a good 'catch' but say nothing about your real feelings for him, what you have in common, how thoughtful he is, whether you enjoy his company or not, etc.  And neither of you seems to be trying very hard to get to know each other better!  Is it not possible to spend more time in his company with other friends as well, to get to know him better?
    Long distance relationships can be hard to sustain and your boyfriend may not prove to be the right one for you, but it is hard to see from your post how he is failing you now.  He deserves your honesty.  Can you talk to him about how your relationship could be improved?  Maybe there are things each of you could do?  How would you feel if he came to visit you at college, for instance?
    It doesn't sound as if you need to make this choice yet.  You shouldn't stay with someone just because it's become a habit and your feelings have changed in an important way.  But you shouldn't commit yourself to someone you hardly know because your friends think it is a great idea.  You have time - use it to work out your what is going on in your heart and then make a decision that is true to yourself.  It could easily be another man altogether eventually!
    You might find more people respond to your dilemma if you make it into a new post.

    Sun 28, Aug 2011 at 8:39am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    To tony:
     
    Thank you so much! I'll try to make it a new post. You really helped me. I'll use my time to think about my situation right now. But you know what? I think it's been a week that I and this new guy never had a communication. UUrrgh! It's so confusing. There's this friend of mine who is also an upper class. I told HIM everything about this new guy that I'm having a crush with. We've been close with each other knowing that my room mate is his bestfriend. Then one day my room mate just told me that her bestfriend likes me. And it hurts him everytime I talk about my crush with him. I only consider him as my close friend. What also shocked me is that my crush asked him if he's courting me. I hate my crush. He asked my friend if he's courting me but he's not even doing something. Sometimes he(my crush) makes me feel he's interested,sometimes he's not. But one day I was just shocked that one of his close friend who is also his room mate whom I only know by face teased me about him. Meaning he knows something. Sorry if what I'm saying are sometimes nonesense. I just need some one to share my feelings with before i burst. Thank you so much! Godbless!

    Sat 3, Sep 2011 at 1:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

     Dont worry u arent alone  HERE IS MY STORY ...................................
    i feel the same way ive been dating some1 for 4 months and i just dont feel that way twords him its not his fault well otherr than he is just to mutch for me to handle and he is very rude at times . i like my friend that i have known scince i was 9 years old hes been there 4 me threw thick n thin ive allways had a lil crush but now as im geting older my lil crush isnt so lil anymore. i get chills and i smile blush and i just cant stop txtin and think bout him  . like when my bf txts me its like whateva ill respond later but when my friend that i like txts me its like omg i have to txt him now i get all excited about it .i feel gulity about it . my bf never talks to me and wen he dose its not very nice he is one of those people who allways makes a joke and thats what i used to love about him his scence of humor. but now its just mean every1 complains all the time about him .oh hes soooo rude hes a jerk how cud u like him ? truth is i dont anymore . he used to make a joke and it just b funny but now there hutful . he makes jokes about me infront of his friends . its just embarrsing and flat out rude . im so over it . i have no clue if he means it as a joke and if he dose i dont find it funny. he is very over pertective and its just anyoing like most my friends r guys . so i hang out with my friend who i like everyday at lunch and he gets all mad . but my friend ,crush , is the nicest person i know i was in a relationship for over a year and my ex (who im great friends with no hard feeling at all anymore AND WE WILL NEVER B ANYTHIN MORE EVERR AGAIN. cuz i wudnt wnaa again cuz i like being his friend more) i was head over heels for him i loved him with all my heart and he broke up with me over txt ! so i was heartbroken crying for 3 hours ! my friened came to my house and conforted me . that was the lowest time of my life . but ihave allways felt a spark with my friend he is so nice to me , were prity great friends . i just think i need to end my toxic relationship with my bf and date my friend . so heres an example of what happened to me one time ok so i was thinking of dying my hair u know 2 look nicer and just for a change and my bf said good u need a change haha gettin kinda tierd of ur look haha and my friendd said y wud u do that ur perfect just the way u r .  

    Mon 12, Sep 2011 at 3:21am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi ive been going back and forth about this for a while now.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 5 months now. We are the same age and both are in highschool. The thing is we go to different high schools and we hardly get to see each other usually only once a week. i try to balance school friends family church and him all at once. it is very hard and sometimes he gets mad when i cant go see him or i hang with my friends instead. he is incredibly jealous he has never liked a single guy friend ive had. this is why i really dont hang out with him and my friends. we fight alot now and i just dont feel the spark. Hes done stuff in the past that have led to this sever like breaking up with me over rumors before he even asked me what happened. He even told my mom i cheated on him which i have never done. but at the same time he loves me so much and always talks about us growing old together having a family. He even got me a promise ring. but the thing is he doesnt like where my life is headed. I plan on going into the medical field him the marines. he doesnt even want me going away to college because of the boys this is a problem because hes told me he doesnt trust me. Though ive never cheated on him this strain on my relationship has made me notice that i was falling for a friend of mine at school. This guy is absolutely wonderful and every time i think about him i feel so happy and mushy over him. Even in our good times ive never felt like that type of spark with my boyfriend the i cant live without you feeling. But with this guy i think i would. Idk what to do because my crush flirts with me and is extra nice to me but he also flirts with other girls. But his close friend says he doesnt know why but it seems his different with me. so idk what to do. Idk if im with my boyfriend because im playing it safe and if i should break up with him. please help.

    Thu 3, May 2012 at 2:32am
  • Cc Morwenna (moderator) Flag

    To the latest commenter below, I would encourage you to put your issue on the site again as a new post, you will probably get more responses that way. In the meantime, it does sound to me like you feel this relationship has run its course, from what you describe I do wonder what you are getting out of it! Do you still love him? He is already jealous and controlling, even to the extent of telling you what career you can have, I am sure you know this can only get worse. If you do still love him and want to stay with him, could you talk honestly to him about how he is going to have to change and let you have control over your own life, your career, and even who you talk to at high school. Good luck, think about posting again as a new post.

    Thu 3, May 2012 at 9:58am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have a boyfriend & we've been together for almost 3 years. He's been so perfect to me. I love him. I don't have any negative comments about him. But here's this guy.My long time crush.I admit until now I like him.I don't know what's with him why I so attached with him. 4 months ago, My crush texted me & I visited in his house as only a friend. But unexpectedly something happened. We did something wrong.After that day, we both has changed. I feel so awkward & everything goes wrong. I told my boyfriend about what happened a month ago & still he accepted me. I'm so down & I keep a distanced for a month with my crush. One time he sended me a message. Just a friendly one. After that, again I felt so confused. I don't know. I know this is so unfair on the part of my boyfriend. What should I do?

    Mon 3, Sep 2012 at 10:55am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It might be worth posting your comment as a new post . If you do this it is more likely to get some responses from the community. From what you have written you would not be happy two timing your boyfriend of three years whom you seem to love. That leaves you with a choice, to either finish with your boyfriend, and see if the relationship with your 'crush' develops into something more permanent...or find a way of discussing your feelings with your boyfriend and working on your relationship with him so that it deepens and grows in such a way that you would not dream of acting on a 'crush' Most of us feel attracted to other people as well as our partners....and it can be wonderful to think someone else is attracted to you. However giving in to the temptation to act on it is usually easier if things are not as we want them with our partners...these feelings are usually stronger as we go through changes in our long term relationships. Have a look at http://thecoupleconnection.net/relationship_insights/changes-and-stages-of-a-relationship it might help you to see what is going on for you. I hope this helps

    Mon 3, Sep 2012 at 8:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have this similar problem. But In my case it's my friends boyfriend that I'm attracted to. And my head's spinning thinking about this situation. :/ I like him very much but I just can't leave my boyfriend. I don't want to hurt me or anythhing because he needed me and loves me so much. But the feeling isn't mutual between us and I like his friend so much that I can't stop talking to him. And I know he feels the same way too. The 3 of us knew about it but we don't talk about it. Maybe, if one is brave enough to open it up it will ruin everything.

    Fri 7, Sep 2012 at 5:24am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm so glad I found this post, reading everyones comments has helped me loads and has given me some peace of mind that Im not going through this torture on my own. Thanks everyone!!. My story is similar.. sorry if I have gone into too much detail :)
    I'm living with my boyfriend of 6 years. This guy is an amazing person, he loves me so much, treats me so well and would do anything for me, we get on so well and I couldnt believe my luck when we first started to date.. I'm also constantly reminded by my friends and family, how lucky I am to have found a guy like my boyfriend. We are both in our early thirties and things were going fine (we had a few issues like most long term relationships) until I changed jobs and started to fancy a co-worker in my new job. I actually never thought this would happen to me, I always felt I would be 100% committed to my boyfriend and no one would ever come between us (I was wrong).

    Anyways.. This guy at work has things that I feel I lack in my current relationship. He is ambitious and successful (my boyfriend really struggles professionally and financially which puts a lot of pressure on us as a couple) and I really admire this in this guy. I'm really attracted to him, and I really like his personality etc. When I first realised I started to have feelings for him, I started to panic and I started to act really weird around him and I started to ignore him or not make any effort to even speak to him - as I knew I was developing feelings for him - which I knew was really wrong. However, as much as I tried to keep my distance from this guy, I started to realise that this guy also started to show interest in me and eventually things started to heat up a little between us. We started to flirt at work, text each other and IM each other for hours. The more I started to contact him, the worse and more guilty I felt about what I was doing, as I knew it was wrong and my boyfriend would be so heart broken if he knew what I was up to. My co-worker and I ended up telling each other that we both liked each other and he then started to come on strong. But when he came on strong, I started to panic and back off. He would ask me out after work and I would just make up excuses, and turn down his offer, although I wanted to spend time with him so much, I just couldn't do it. I knew it was wrong. I love my boyfriend so much and as much as I wanted to sleep with this guy, I couldn't do it. This guy at work ended up asking me out a few times (around 2-3 times) and I kept on saying I had plans etc.... Eventually, this guy stopped contacting me or making the effort with me, which I hated. I missed not chatting to him and spending time with him and getting to know him. I also heard a rumour in the office that he started to see another girl a few months ago (this was during the time he was asking me out). I got so jealous and I was so upset- it felt awful. But I knew deep down he must not have cared much for her if he was still trying to be with me. I started to contact him and he wasn't really replying and he was quite abrupt and impolite when speaking to me about work related things. This would kill me and I would literally leave work wanting to cry. I contacted him via text to ask him what the problem was and why was he really cold all of a sudden. He just said he knew I was in a long term relationship and he realised that nothing was ever really going to happen between us. He also said he wanted to focus on this new girl he met and things started to get serious between them. This killed me, I actually felt like I was being dumped. I started to get angry with myself and started to blame myself and my boyfriend (indirectly) for my unhappiness and for this rejection (although I couldnt blame my co-worker, he did give me multiple chances and I kept on backing out). Things started to get really bad between my boyfriend and I, as I was starting to show I was unhappy and bitter. I spoke to my boyfriend and explained to him that I was confused and that I wasn't sure if this relationship was working, but it seems he didn't really listen to me and he would just say its because I'm stressed at work, or its just because we haven't taken a holiday in ages together etc. I'm still with my boyfriend and I'm still infatuated with my co-worker. My boyfriend and I have stopped making any future plans now for the past year and our sex life is completely non-existance. I just think about my co-worker all the time and the What Ifs???? I also repeatedly blame myself for turning him down.

    After all this, I still cant seem to bring my self to leaving my boyfriend, I dont know is it because im just scared of being single again at my age or Im scared of making the biggest mistake of my life by leaving him just because of something that could be just a crush. I don't want to throw away a 6 year relationship just because I'm having these feelings. I know relationships do need work to keep the passion alive, but its like I have already thrown in the towel and I dont really want to make the effort on making it work. All my effort and time goes into thinking about my co-worker. I dont want to be a selfish person and now interfere again with my co-worker and ruin what he has with this new girl.

    I'm not sure if I should change jobs (as they say out of sight - out of mind), should I take time out from being with my boyfriend so I should decide what I want, or should I leave my boyfriend and ask my co-worker to give me a second chance, will I always reject it if I dont.??? Its soooooo head wrecking. I need closure on this, in one way or another as its driving me nuts.. This has being going on now for over a year. Its exhausting. :(

    Sun 7, Oct 2012 at 4:19pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ladies listen!
    The fact that these men who you are thinking about, stepped into your relationship and tried to ruin something beautiful that you guys had with your current men, makes them assholes and pigs. Men who try to get with someone knowing that they are taken, makes them extremely bad people, they do not respect you or your relationship, they made you want them and messed with your head, then stepped out and pretended nothing happened and left you suffering without caring how much damage they did.
    Remember that one day in the past you really wanted to be with the man you are with at the moment. You wanted this man and he loved you and you are in love with them otherwise you would not be with them for such a long time.
    These feelings you are having for other men are no more than obsessions, crushes, because they did not respect you and played games with your heart they knew what you might be missing in a long relationship (which believes me happens to many people in long term relationships) but speaking from a long experience, when you marry this is what happens most of the time. Your man and yourself will eventually start feeling comfortable and unappreciative of how good you have it, but you have to keep working at it, that is how relationships last. You need to see the positives and understand that the man you are with is giving you the world and you should be giving him the world as well. It is not your fault you have feelings for these other men because they show you excitement that you once had because they know that is what you're missing, Deep inside these men are cowards who just like the challenge but would never have the balls to keep you happy in a long term relationship like the one you have, they are home-wreckers, if you really have a good man, do not give him up for a person like this. The fact these other men moved so fast knowing you were taken shows no respect for you. Take control over your life, and give your love to the man that truly loves you and is not just obsessed with you physically or for the adrenaline it brings them for such challenge. Do not fall for that trap, believe me many of my friends have done it in the past. I am now 37 and I know for them it had ended badly, they ended up breaking up with these men they ended up with because they just gave them heartbreak at the end. Do not fall for men like these, their character just shows cowardice and disrespect.
    Just remember that the only reason you might want them now is because it is wrong, it is a challenge for you too so it gives you excitement, but soon you realize that the excitement is gone because you truly know that person you are falling for, and realize that you're disappointed on yourself for how little you got and how much you lost ....

    Thu 11, Oct 2012 at 6:12pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    to the person that just posted the last comment. Thanks for your advice. It makes perfect sense. Im going to read this post everytime I get weak. Thank you!!

    Thu 11, Oct 2012 at 8:27pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am glad to help! :)

    Sun 14, Oct 2012 at 5:59am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am in the same situation and don't know what to do. I have beend dating this boy for about 16 months now. Our relationship started out pretty iffy because he would always get mad at me for reasons he wouldn't tell me about but then things started to get a lot better. I kept a secret about my virigity being lost for 4 months , then he found out. He forgave me and time went on. Ever since then he's been putting me down about it, constantly. We've both made mistakes with flirting with other people and told each other we needed to stop. Sometimes he makes our relationship unfair. As in he can talk to a ton of girls but he yells at me when I talk to ONE guy. Sometimes hes gotten furious with me in school and punched lockers and threw his books at things.. It kind of scares me. But recently a few days ago I found out that last december when we had a little break up he had sex with another girl and kept it from me for what, 10 months now. He gave me so much shit about me keeping my virginity from him, but this whole time he kept making me feel worthless he was hiding this from me? Everytime I see him, I don't feel a spark and sometimes I wish he wasn't at school so I wouldn't feel suffocated. He's been hypocritical and I talked to him lastnight about him lying to me this whole time. He told me I should just let him having sex with another girl go, but I told him I couldn't because he made me feel so terrible for so long, that he deserves to know how I feel. Everytime we've broken up he's either kissed, madeout or planned to hookup with another girl and at the same time me and him were fixing things. I am hurt, and I don't know what to do. There is this boy I met in fifth grade and he was my first crush, first kiss and first love. I think about him everyday and he's told me he wanted to get together in the future because he feels the same way about me. The problem is that he's a long distance away but he still has my heart. But whenever me and my current boyfriend break up I cry and we end up getting right back together... I want to be with the other guy, but I know I'll just break down when me and my boyfriend break up. Someone please help me? :/

    Mon 31, Dec 2012 at 7:37pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am in the same situation and don't know what to do. I have beend dating this boy for about 16 months now. Our relationship started out pretty iffy because he would always get mad at me for reasons he wouldn't tell me about but then things started to get a lot better. I kept a secret about my virigity being lost for 4 months , then he found out. He forgave me and time went on. Ever since then he's been putting me down about it, constantly. We've both made mistakes with flirting with other people and told each other we needed to stop. Sometimes he makes our relationship unfair. As in he can talk to a ton of girls but he yells at me when I talk to ONE guy. Sometimes hes gotten furious with me in school and punched lockers and threw his books at things.. It kind of scares me. But recently a few days ago I found out that last december when we had a little break up he had sex with another girl and kept it from me for what, 10 months now. He gave me so much shit about me keeping my virginity from him, but this whole time he kept making me feel worthless he was hiding this from me? Everytime I see him, I don't feel a spark and sometimes I wish he wasn't at school so I wouldn't feel suffocated. He's been hypocritical and I talked to him lastnight about him lying to me this whole time. He told me I should just let him having sex with another girl go, but I told him I couldn't because he made me feel so terrible for so long, that he deserves to know how I feel. Everytime we've broken up he's either kissed, madeout or planned to hookup with another girl and at the same time me and him were fixing things. I am hurt, and I don't know what to do. There is this boy I met in fifth grade and he was my first crush, first kiss and first love. I think about him everyday and he's told me he wanted to get together in the future because he feels the same way about me. The problem is that he's a long distance away but he still has my heart. But whenever me and my current boyfriend break up I cry and we end up getting right back together... I want to be with the other guy, but I know I'll just break down when me and my boyfriend break up. Someone please help me? :/

    Mon 31, Dec 2012 at 7:37pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    If you read back what you have written in the comment above, you will see it is clear you have reached the end of the line with this boy. The relationship does not sound good for either of you. From what you say he is behaving very badly towards you and you are constantly thinking about the boy you would prefer to be with! You both deserve better than this, why not use the beginning of a new year to start afresh. It is a good opportunity to give yourself time and space to decide what you want from a relationship and what else you want to achieve in your life. You sound intelligent and interesting, do not settle for second best because you are afraid to change things.

    Mon 31, Dec 2012 at 8:51pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    He will not say he loves you because he is playing with your heart

    Eve destroyed the world... now it is women's role all over the world to save mankind by loving responsibly, because the men of today are lost... but do not follow them to try to save them... let them take responsibility and learn on their own

    Women, be enlightened, we are responsible for what we did.....Never idolize a man more than you love god....

    From my experience, I have been through hardship for a while, when I was little i recognized that my mother had chosen a man she loved more than herself, he was a narcissist and she was codependent. You see the men who are good with their tongues, those who can seduce a woman and play games with her heart, most of the time are the most insecure and those who want to destroy the confident caring woman because they know she is better than then....And by this i mean MORALLY, i connect religion to all of this because i realized I kept falling for narcissist, but I always refused the abuse because i had seen my mom suffer since she loved him more than herself. her compassion was so great she wanted to save him, because she knew his ego was trying to take over him..... The truth is women around the world try to save these men they feel a need to rescue them and that makes them love them. however it is no woman's responsibility to do such things. these men need to find their way on their own, they have to be responsible for their actions, because form the time they were children they were taught that they could get away with anything, which is why many get away with breaking a woman's heart. We need to learn as women that we will not let them get away with playing with our hearts.. So I say NO it is not wise to love a man more that he loves you, because many men out there are irresponsible and we need to let them know that they cannot abuse us or confuse us.... In the bible eve fell for the lies of a snake, men that we start idolizing more than ourselves are just like that snake trying to seduce us into taking the road of lust which are those butterflies we feel is love.... but that is not love, Love is letting the men find their own way, not giving in into their demands, and loving ourselves a little more than we love them... Loving them the way we would love our children by teaching them right form wrong and disciplining them to understand that in life in every aspect there are boundaries that they should not cross... Because when a man really loves you, he might not be good with words, but he shows you compassion and shows you respect, and many women fall for the snake who if many of you have not noticed, always find it fun to mess with your head, they think it's a game and they feel powerful and happy that they can cause us to go crazy... they will always control the dumb women with lust... so when you think of true love... think of the love you would have for a son... do not spoil them to the point they become irresponsible... love responsibly and always choose a man who loves you more, because that is how your children will grow up to see the compassion that both men and women have for one another... there is no other way to fix this world and fight against that snake....

    Only women are able to love more responsibly, and if they make a big effort they can become more giving but only with those men who show them responsibility and respect ....when you idolize a man... it's always a red flag....

    Is not that men are bad people, it's that we have made them insecure....narcissists, so they let evil take over their souls

    Thu 14, Feb 2013 at 9:06pm
  • User-anonymous Han412 Flag

    Hi, I've been going out with my boyfriend (who i love so much) for nearly a year now, things where going great then boom he didn't do anything there was no spark in the relationship. We had a routine which I'm bored off, i feel unhappy in the relationship. A few months ago an old college friend came back into my life there was a spark when I saw him and now when I'm with my boyfriend I start thinking about him, then I can't stop thinking about him. I think about kissing him and cuddling him. Then I have started to have feeling for him and every time we talk then feeling grow stronger and stronger.

    I don't no what to do, I do t no if I should end it with my boyfriend or stay with him and always think about the guy..
    Please help...

    Mon 24, Jun 2013 at 1:48am
  • Cc Charlie (moderator) Flag

    Thank you for your comment Han. Since this post has been running a long time I think you may find more support from the community if you make a new post on the site. I hope things work out for you.

    Mon 24, Jun 2013 at 8:59am
  • User-anonymous NeeJee Flag

    Ok so I am a guy and have a bit of a situation where I need some advice.

    I have been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now. I love her and consider myself the luckiest I have ever been to have her. She is the most loyal and committed woman I have ever been with. Ever since the first few months of our relationship, we would stay at each others' houses every night and rarely spent nights apart. So we essentially lived with each other this entire time and have had very minimal problems or conflicts. We now have our own apartment and are still getting along as living partners great. That is the beautiful thing about our relationship is that we are so compatible and cooperative that we can spend every day with each other with little-to-no problems. Of course, there are small things that we get angry about (i.e. "how come I'm always the one doing blah blah?", "all you do is play video games", etc) but they are always temporary and they do not affect the structural integrity of our relationship. We have our ups and downs, and have even separated at one point because things were not working correctly. We eventually reunited and agreed to improve on (and we have improved on) the areas where we were lacking in our relationship. Today, we are strong, together and have big commitments in our future.

    BUT...here is my predicament. I have a friend that I met through work (we no longer work together currently) and have gotten to be very close friends. She confides in me about things she says she does not tell anyone else, even her family. We share several common interests, passions and get along very well. She has many desirable qualities as a woman and as a person in general. She is essentially the polar-opposite of my girlfriend in many regards.She's also drop dead gorgeous. She has also fought through some very adverse and tragic phases of her life on her own will and has made it to become a strong, independent, self-sufficient, and loving person. She still has her flaws, and actually comes to me for help and guidance. She has had a difficult past with relationships and has always seemingly ended up with guys who don't give her the love, care, commitment, dedication, etc. that she deserves. She has also stated that she is not ready for another relationship as she is still not over her ex-husband. Also, she doesn't get along with other women and doesn't have many female friends (which makes things more difficult) So recently, she has been just "hooking up", "seeing" and spending time with guys. All of which seem to just want to get in her pants. She's aware of what some guys are capable of, yet her actions still contradict what she really wants, which is to be single and emotionally heal from her previous relationship.

    We text each other very often and spend time with each other a lot (sometimes alone and sometimes with my girlfriend and other friends). I've always been physically attracted to her, but in the past few months other feelings have started to develop. I feel a connection with her. It feels wrong and I don't know how it even developed. I love my girlfriend and would never break my loyalty to her. However, I also understand that you simply can't change what your heart feels. I've tried to remedy this problem with an attempt to channel or reroute my feelings in an appropriate manner, in the form of being a good and loyal FRIEND. When she needs me, I'm there. If she needs advice, I'll give it. If she needs a smile, I'll try to make her laugh. That kind of thing. Purely platonic friendship. My strategy has held firm but as not solved my problem. I don't want to have feelings for this woman! Keep in mind I have never told her that I do have feelings for her.

    So just last night, we had a get-together/kickback at her place and my girlfriend and I went. Mind you, alcohol was involved. We were all having a great time. There were two guys that came, one of which she knew (and apparently liked). There came a point during the night where everyone (minus my girlfriend and I) became visibly drunk, including my friend. I know she is quite the belligerent drinker and doesn't think quite clearly when she drinks so I kept a close but subtle eye on her. She began making out with this guy (who I believe she has only know for a month or so). There was this feeling in my stomach and fire that started to burn in my mind when I saw it. Jealously? Maybe. The way I analyzed it in my own mind was that I was having a conflict within my own mind. One side of me has feelings for this girl and the other side of me knows her past and has a duty as a friend to protect her from situations where she will get hurt again. For the lack of a better phrase, this sucked ass for more than one reason. Not only did I feel guilty that I was jealous of what I was seeing because my girlfriend was there, but because I had no right to feel guilty! I care for this girl in more ways than one, but I want it to only be ONE way...the PLATONIC way. I don't want to jeopardize this relationship with my girlfriend that I've built for so long.

    I'm all out of ideas of how to remedy this situation. Do I tell the truth to her about how I feel and lay my cards out on the table? Would that solve anything? Do I continue trying to be a good friend? Will my feelings eventually dissipate or get even stronger? I really need some help here.

    Thanks.

    Sat 4, Jan 2014 at 8:15pm
  • User-anonymous hopelessmike Flag

    I'm a guy in a different situation. I met a woman online 7 months ago. It started off as very innocent chat. I knew upfront that she had a boyfriend of 8-9 years who she loves and also lives with. Again, it started very innocent. As I learned about this woman, I started to grow feelings for her and I was upfront about them right away. She continued talking to me but always reminded me that she has a bf and loves him. So, she isn't perfect. As nobody is. But we literally email each other's dozens of times a day - all day long. And over these months we learned so much about each other. Like everything both good and bad. Fast forward 7 months to right now. We now Skype, but we literally Skype for 5-7+ hours at a time. We laugh we cry we share the deepest of feelings. I've been in lovewith her for a while now. And recently she opened up to me that she's very much in love with me. To the point where her heart aches. She tells me she thinks of me nonstop. At work, at home, even when she's around her bf who she's still with and lives with. Btw she lives on the other end of the country and I've committed to her that I would drop everything to go to her and be with her. She tells me she is very much in love with me but she's not ready to change her life for me.
    I'm very hurt and confused. She tells me she's in love with the both of us. She loves me and thinks of a future with me. She even told her sister and good friend about me. But she also still loves her bf very much. She's still intimate with him and that kills me inside - of course all this kills me inside that she doesn't want me.
    Is it possible to really be in love with 2 guys at the same time? I personally believe that she does love me, but she really must love her bf a heck of a lot more. I'm just so confused. Am I spinning my wheels on a woman who will never be with me and never leave her bf for me?
    I know some will think bad of me. But you all need to know that this started very innocently and we both developed feelings slowly and we did not mean for this to happen.
    I have told her numerous times that I feel terrible, like I got in the middle of a perfectly good relationship and fucked it up. But she always tells me that's not the case. I even tried to let go and stop talking but she gets very hurt and tells me she doesn't want to stop talking, she doesn't want to lose me. That she loves me.
    I don't think she's playing me at all. I personally do believe that she's really torn inside and doesn't want to hurt me or her bf. I just dont know how much longer I can take this. I dont think she'll ever leave her bf for me... I just don't know what to do. She tells me in a lot of ways I'm so much better than her bf. And that she thinks she'd be so happy with me. And that I'm a very special guy and I say and do things that no guys has ever done before that makes her feel so great.
    I'm scared of losing her. On one hand, I don't have her to lose her. But I hang on to that little thread of hope that one day she'll love me enough to choose to be with me. On the other hand. I feel this is so hurtful to her that it's killing her inside and I don't want her to be in such pain and torment. If I walk away, I could lose the woman whoI feel (we both feel) we were meant for each other. On the other hand, I could be putting her through years of pain and torment for nothing and we'll never be together. It's so hard... I hope I can get a rational response from someone who's been in my shoes, or even her shoes... I literally do not sleep, it's affecting my entire life...
    What do I do?

    Sun 16, Mar 2014 at 4:12pm
  • Cc Esme (moderator) Flag

    To the poster above. This is quite an old thread and I think there'll be more responses to your post if you post it again as a new post.
    There's lots of helpful people on the site who may have been in a similar situation or with some suggestions.

    Sun 16, Mar 2014 at 5:46pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    To hopelessmike,
    Although this might be a little late, I hope I can give you some idea of what the girl is probably thinking.
    I am exactly in same situation. I have a long-term boyfriend, but I think I fell in love with a guy I met online a few months ago. Even though the other guy knew I had a boyfriend, he confessed. I knew he was sincere. I like him, and I still want to keep talking to him because he brings so much smile to me. I miss him when I don't chat with him for a day. But I can't accept him because 1) I still love my boyfriend, 2) he was my everything who was always there for me during my ups and downs, 3) a long-term relationship is something I treasure, so I can't bring myself to even think about breaking up this relationship, 4) there is so much insecurity and uncertainty when the other guy is not even near me no matter how much assurance he is giving me, 5) I don't want to be someone who leaves my long-term boyfriend just for another guy (whom I met online!!!). So I rejected him, but we kept sending messages to each other, but this just becomes more painful for me and him because I feel so much guilt and because he falls for me more. So we decided to just stop chatting. It really is painful for me but I don't want to hurt the other guy and my boyfriend anymore, and at the same time, I don't want to make myself feel shameless.
    The girl you love is probably thinking those five reasons and couldn't accept you, but also because of her selfishness, she can't let you go either. One of you has to let go of this relationship if you know that there is no possible future. The longer it takes to let go, the more painful it becomes for both of you.
    For me, I don't know what the other guy thinks about me now. I just really hope he will understand and he won't think of me as using him.

    Tue 8, Jul 2014 at 2:11am

The Listening Room

What is this?

Listening Room helpers are available to chat Monday - Sunday 9-10pm (GMT).