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What to do - my heart is broken, I am lost

Posted by: Anonymous
Fri 3, Mar 2017 at 9:32am
Sex/Intimacy and romance, Affairs and Jealousy, Sex and Affairs

This is the first time in my life I am sicking a life advice on forums. I feel so bad mentally and physically - hot and cold at the same time, shivering all over my body, want to cry but cannot, cannot sleep, want to get asleep and not wake up again...

I am married to a guy with who we have been 8 years together. I am 35, he is 39, and I was sure we were soulmates - we have the same tastes, like the same books, same music, have similar beliefs, philosophical ideas, same (low) energy level, equally introvert, and with several common hobbies. I am Slavic and he is Spanish, we met each other in the same lab in Germany, where I was doing my PhD and he came to do his medical research.
I skip 7 happy years here, because it will just be too long.

What happened is that after 2 years of living together in Spain I noticed changes in his working pattern - he was often talking about a new Prof they got and his 2 new PhD students (23 year old girls), and they all started to regularly go out for "work discussions" and bier maybe about 3 months ago. He started to groom himself more, use perfume, always carry chewing gums with him (he has a bad breath at times, and before I was fighting it in vain), spend more time at work. He did not neglect me, but just started to be much more into his work and new friends. His phone would never stop receiving messages even late in the night. I grew jealous.

Yesterday he could have worked from home but he chose to go to the lab. I could not cope with the nagging feeling anymore and started to check in internet what people do in such situations. I saw that many women check the mail/ phone when confronted with something like this, but the partner denies any romance. I do not (did not) do this kind of things before, and this is why I could easily open his email and whatsapp - he never even bothered logging out because we used to trust each other. Turns out he is in a very flirtatious relationship with one of those young girls - he has some cute names for her, they are often going for a coffee or food together, making jokes, sharing plans for weekend etc. Nothing explicit, but this is exactly how our relationships began 8 years ago.

When I read their chats, I could not dig into other mails anymore - it was just couple of emails and whatsapps that I saw, but my whole body started to shake, and I put my things together and left to a friend. I wrote to my husband that I leave him, and he did not even understood me in the beginning. He tried to call, but I was not ready to talk. I wrote him that he broke my heart, but of course he denies everything. We have not really spoken yet. I don't know what to do. Up until yesterday I thought we are together for life, even though it was not 100% great relationships lately because of my suspicions and jealousy. I think I love him, but I also think that I cannot be together with a man who is not loyal to me. I feel that something beautiful has just got broken never to be repaired.

I know I did not caught them in any exact action, but I am pretty sure that such a hardcore flirt is more than just a friendship (friendship? hahaha, what friendship can there be with a newly appeared pretty young chick? no point in fooling myself)

What can I do? How can I learn the true? What if I force him to break contacts with that chick (as much as it is possible at the same working place)? Is it any good, or will it just postpone the repetition of the same pattern?
It hurts so bad...

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  • Cc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    I can really feel your shock and sadness coming from what you have written. It is truly painful to have your sense of reality shaken in this way.
    When you say your husband denies everything, do you think that means he is truly mystified by you moving away or do you think he is just being defensive about being found out? What I mean is, might he genuinely think he hasn't done anything wrong? How do you feel about giving him a chance to put his side of the story? What would he have to do to make you feel you could still trust him?

    Sun 5, Mar 2017 at 4:23pm