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So unsure of a great relationship

Posted by: Anonymous
Tue 31, May 2011 at 4:19pm
Getting on Better with my Partner, Making a Commitment

I'm new to this website and I joined to see if I could get some help and advice. I am 27 years old and having been going out with my partner for four years, engaged for just over a year and living together for nearly a year. We were due to get married in October but I postponed the wedding. He is from N.Z and his family had arranged to come over, but he was very supportive of me through a difficult time. I had moved house and jobs to be closer to him and found he was not around very much (he is in the forces and away for long periods). As we were planning the wedding I started to panic and became quite depressed and very unsure about our relationship. I was quite unwell with it, but after a long summer off work and a holiday away together and the knowledge that the wedding was postponed I felt much better. The problem is I cannot stop thinking about whether or not to get married, whether it is right and why I am feeling so unsure about things. I love my partner and he is such a wonderful person, he cares for me so deeply and has only ever treated me with love and respect. My friends think I don't know how lucky I am. I just have this uneasy feeling, but no idea of why. I wish I could get rid of it but I become more and more obsessed about our relationship, if it is 'right' and comparing it with other people around me. I don't know what to do or where this is coming from. I am worried it is an inner voice telling me things aren't right that he is not 'the one' for me. I become sad sometimes and am not always as kind to him as he is to me. I wish I could work things out, make a decision and get on with my life. Has anyone else been in a great relationship but not got the feeling that 'he's the one'. Am I being so silly to obsess over these feelings or lack of them?
Thank you

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  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi S, Personally I believe you should trust your instincts and don't even think about getting married right now. Can you not just enjoy living together? Marriage isn't the only way forward. I had a similar situation many years ago - with the guy that all my friends thought was amazing, we had this seemingly perfect life, the perfect couple. But that's not how I felt. Eventually one day I met THE guy and promptly ended the relationship within days. I wasn't having an affair but I knew from that moment that everything else was a lie. It was very painful, I lost everything,  out of guilt and out of choice. Life was hard for a long time. Friends and family couldn't believe what I was doing, thought I was having a breakdown.
    Whatever you do, try and trust yourself. Take some time out and do things you enjoy. Try not to think about it for a while.
    Have you thought about keeping a journal for a bit?

    Tue 31, May 2011 at 7:03pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi, I know you posted that some time ago but I can relate to a certain extent. I think we all put enormous pressure on ourselves to get things right in life and, as much as we are aware that nothing is perfect, it is really easy to worry when it's not. I expect the additional pressure of getting married set you off thinking about a lot of things. Once you get on a negative spin it is hard to get off it. Comparing your relationship to others is never constructive, or is comparing your man to other guys. Other situations are never what they seem from your perspective. It is all about perspective. Try taking a step back and looking at your own relationship from a distance (as perhaps you look at other relationships), you will probably see something wonderful and healthy.
    Try to relax and not to panic. Have you ever considered some form of councelling to think through why you might be having these feelings and to try and address exactly what it was that was making you depressed when you were due to get married? It may not be that your man is wrong but that you are afraid of the ultimate commitment of marraige and need to address that part of yourself. It was very brave of you to call it off, don't be hard on yourself.
    Try going back to basics and asking yourself if your man offers you all the things you want and need in a relationship. If he ultimately ticks all the right boxes, you can relax and just live it and not think about the detail. Can you be 100% yourself with him, are you good friends, do you communicate about everything, do you share a couple of common interests, do you fancy him.
    And here here on Deborah's comment, try not to think about it for a while and trust yourself (although I know sometimes this can be the hardest thing).
    I hope you have managed to move forward a little and best of luck. T

    Fri 5, Aug 2011 at 1:59pm
  • User-anonymous Gratitude Flag

    I'm feeling the same way in my relationship currently. I see you wrote this post a couple years ago. I'm very curious- how did it work out?

    Wed 17, Sep 2014 at 1:39am