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Should we really be together?

Posted by: Anonymous
Sat 18, Mar 2017 at 9:17pm
Making a Commitment, Life transitions

Hello all,
So I recently started dating someone about 3 months ago and my partner pursued me when we were getting to know each other. I noticed that were different people but, figured I'm young so why not? My partner has lived his life the way he wanted. He experimented with drugs and continues to smoke pot at least once a day. I am the complete opposite and hate his habit of smoking. It is enough to make me extremely anxious whenever every other story of his begins with "once when my friends and I were high". I've expressed to him how I feel and he said he understood but, doesn't think it is a big deal. I, on the other hand, do. I have brought this up to him more than once and he just doesn't understand. At times he brings up the future of us possibly be living together and that I'd have to get used to the idea that he will be smoking. But, that's not what I want for my future. It pains me to feel that there is already an expiration date marked on our relationship. Most of the time we tend to see intimate relationships as not having an end (that is excluding death) and I get anxious thinking that we won't last very long. He makes me happy but just as equally makes me sad. He's expressed to me that I make him very happy and he doesn't know what he did to deserve me. Sometimes I feel he would be better off with someone that shares that kind of lifestyle and enjoys it. I feel that his feelings are sincere but, I just don't know how to get past it. I am open to honest advice on how to handle the situation or whether my relationship should continue forward.

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  • User-anonymous Farva Flag

    Hi there, so I don't want to be the bearer of negativity here but I do have a cautionary tale... I met someone once who also was quite into drugs in particular smoking weed. At the time when we met, I too was young, and although I had no interest in drugs, I knew a few of my friends did it and I was quite relaxed about it so I tried not to let it bother me that he smoked it too much. Then we moved in together, and I realised he smoked every day, usually from right when he got up in the morning. By this point I was aware it was a real problem but also in too deep to walk away. He kept saying he'd probably give up at some point but like your partner he was quite pro-smoking really so I doubted he would. Cut to 7 years later, still with him, and I am nearing my 30s and have started to think about the usual stuff - marriage, kids etc. Its then that I realise I don't want him bunking off to go for a smoke on our wedding day cos he can't get through a day without it, or continuing to smoke it when we have a child around. I also realise that although we earn similar money, I am buying most stuff for our home etc. and even when he apparently doesn't have his money for bills, he can still afford to buy pot. He hardly goes to any of my family gatherings as my family don't like drugs so he can't smoke pot. Every time we go away for a weekend or out for a meal he has to go out for a joint. So I said to him time to quit. He managed 1 day. We split up the day after. After 7 years of promising to quit he decided actually, he picked pot. I think it really depends what you want from a relationship but the longer you are with someone who is more committed to drugs than they are to you i.e. they would choose drugs over you, the worse you are making it for yourself in the longrun. I have heard all the excuses - if you loved me you'd accept me smoking it, it does no harm, I'm not addicted (even tho you get up at 5am every day to smoke), etc. - well if he loved you he'd be willing to at least discuss a compromise on the situation. I have no problem with people having a smoke at a party or now and again with friends but habitual use is another thing all together and it is not something I would recommend someone to live with unless that is your lifestyle choice too. I don't think you should necessarily end your relationship but if living with someone who smokes weed is not in your life plan then you need to stick to your guns, talk to him tell him that and see where you get to. Hope this helps.

    Mon 20, Mar 2017 at 2:44pm
  • Green_hair leidid Flag

    Hello Farrah,
    Thank you for your insight on my post. I'm sorry to hear your relationship ended because of the issue. Whenever I've spoken to my partner about my concerns he just tells me that in time it's something that I won't be bothered about. We spent our first night together at his house and he has a ritual of smoking every night. That night he kept asking if it would really bother me if he smoked and I told Yeah because he knows how I feel about it. I hated the behavior he had as if I was a parent taking something away from him. The next morning though he did end up smoking while I waited for him in the living room. I hated that he couldn't handle not going a day without smoking. I get anxieties thinking about his lifestyle and I wish I wouldn't. Anyway thank you again Farva. I really appreciate it.

    Sat 25, Mar 2017 at 12:31am
  • User-anonymous Farva Flag

    Hey Leidid, well thank you. It was especially hard for my self esteem to think that when it was laid down as a stark choice between a life with me (without pot) or a life without me (with pot) he chose the latter. In a way it wasn't his fault I know many people will tell you 'pot is not addictive' and for many, it isn't I am sure - but others are dependent on it and this I have seen with my own eyes. He literally could not help it he was a slave to it. It is interesting that your boyfriend is saying you will get used to it - not that he will try and cut down or anything. He seems very committed to this as a lifestyle choice. The fact that he was obviously craving it while you were there and as you say, cannot handle a day without it is very similar to my ex. And your description of his behaviour being like a kid who's parent had taken something away is so interesting to me, that is exactly how my ex behaved, if ever I said no I don't want you to smoke I would get almost a full on tantrum - foot stamping, 'it's not fair' etc. It is hard because for me, it ended up impacting so much on the wider relationship - being high all the time, he would be forgetful, he would make less effort than he should with things like going out or anniversaries, birthdays etc. He would be quite antisocial never wanting to go out with friends preferring to be somewhere he could smoke. If you find the effects are creeping into your wider life together that's when I think maybe it's time to have a chat. I am so sad for both of you really as it sounds like you get on great other than this I really hope you find a compromise. I think its possible that you might but one thing I would advise is don't get stuck like I did. Try your best for each other try to make it work but don't kid yourself if it doesn't. That is all any of us can do.
    Good luck xx

    Mon 27, Mar 2017 at 11:16am
  • Green_hair leidid Flag

    Hello Farva,
    I have to admit it feels good to know someone I can relate to. This feels difficult and I'm desperately trying to grasp onto something or someone to understand. I hope that you have found within yourself or perhaps with someone else what you truly deserved (something good/happy). I hope to continue chatting with you as it is very helpful to me.

    Tue 28, Mar 2017 at 9:32pm
  • User-anonymous Farva Flag

    Definitely, it does help. If there is anything you want to ask me or anything I can do to help let me know. It is really difficult because you love the person aside from their lifestyle and choosing that kind of lifestyle doesn't make someone a bad person, I still don't think it does. And you know what maybe you will get used to it. But it is hard when it makes you anxious. I remember going away for a weekend and staying in a nice hotel and he was desperate to go outside for a smoke and I remember being so anxious that someone from the hotel would see or smell him smoking it and kick us out, I waited in the room just feeling sick with worry. Another thing that used to be a problem for me was that he always fell asleep so early from smoking so many evenings I'd be sat there watching tv on my own while he snored because he'd got high and passed out. Its a really tricky one. Everyone is different and I would never tell you, don't be with this guy. But it is a lot to think about and take on. Just make sure if you do decide to progress the relationship that it's not you that's making all the compromise cos that can become a lifelong habit.

    Let me know how you get on I am always able to chat and give advice if it helps. As for me, I am now truly happy thank you, married with a baby on the way, all which has happened in the 3 years since we split so yes I would say it worked out all the better for me. Life has a funny way of working out the way it should sometimes :) xx

    Wed 29, Mar 2017 at 2:56pm