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Posted by: Anonymous
Mon 19, Jun 2017 at 7:01pm
Finding Time for Each Other, Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner, Bringing up Children Together, Communications in relationships, A Psychologist's Perspective, Sex and Affairs

I'm 28 mom of 3 going on 4, married, a homemaker. My husband is 25 and works construction for the last 6 or so years. He is definitely my soul mate, but lately it hasn't been feeling like that.

Where so I start...I guess some issues started while I was pregnant w/ our daughter (my 3rd child, his first). She's 2 btw. I noticed at first that issues were starting in the bedroom. What used to be 30+ minutes had (and has) gone down to 5 minutes, 10 if I'm lucky. And it's not like he would be ready for round 2 either. He's a one and done for the night (because that seems to be really the only time we could do it). But hey we'd at least get to it 3-5 times a week. I figured he was just tired from working long hard hours and we were also in the process of buying our new house. We got the keys to our house about a month before our daughter was born.

Our daughter is born. She had (has) him wrapped around her finger. She also had colic. So my husband got her used to sleeping in our bed at a young age. He thought it'd be easier for me. I said to him it actually doesn't, if anything it just makes me worry more. I don't like co-sleeping under a year old, and only then when they are sick or have a nightmare. That's the only time I co-slept w/ my other 2 when they were a year and older. So to this day, she will not stay in her bed. She keeps running to our bed during the night.

Overtime, I noticed that our intimate time has decreased, A LOT! I'm lucky if we have sex once or twice a month at the most, and it still only goes on for about 5 or 10 minutes. It's been like this since after we got married last May. I'm amazed I even got pregnant honestly. Not once but twice. (We had a very, very early stage miscarriage a couple months after we married. I was 2 weeks late, when my periods are on time or early. And I was having pregnancy symptoms. But my levels were still for some reason not high enough to come up on a test. But then, I starting bleeding heavy the 15th day and (what was apparently the embryo I found out after) came. We had a few more fails at getting pregnant afterwards and finally end of January, beginning of February it worked. I'm feeling like since getting pregnant this time round, it's even moved on to him like not wanting to spend more family time together or time w/ me just watching a movie much anymore. Sometimes he will, but far and few between. And stuff around the house that needs his attention, he just doesn't want to. Or helping me w/ stuff. I know it's my job as a housewife and mother to clean the house and all. But I have very painful hiatal hernia that was starting to protrude above my naval my last pregnancy and the pain is much worse this time around. The pain gets up to an 8.

I understand he wants to come home and relax after a long day. They've moved him to 12,13 hour days M-T, 9 or 10 hours Fridays, most Saturdays, now they say Sundays too, but they have yet to have him work a Sunday. When he comes home, he sits on his computer games (which are MMO, where he plays w/ people online and talks to them) or his Playstation games that sometimes he does online w/ people. He'll play all the way til 10:30-11 when he has to go to bed for work. And if he's off the next day, a lot of times he'll be on til like 2 in the AM. He didn't come to bed the other night. Yard work and handy work needs to be done, and he just lets it slide and slide. My mom is early 50's and works in corrections full time and raises twins w/ her partner, and she's been coming over here doing most of the reconstruction on my son's room after a busted pipe flooded the room. And she kept finding more and more soft walls w/ mold behind. She's redoing all that for us. And she has me ask him to do some stuff in there when he gets home so it's out of her way for when she comes back over. And it's like, he huffs and puffs or "forgets" to do it. Idk, maybe he really does forget. But it's like, it's his house. And yes, you work long hard hours. But part of owning a home is coming home after those long hours and doing work on your house, maybe spend time w/ your kids. Not sitting on the games for your entire free time. I mean, I like playing video games too. But, I get my stuff done, I spend time w/ the kids weather it's watching TV with them or if they decide to pull out a game.

It makes me wonder you know. About a lot of possible things. Like, why are the games more important? Why can't he limit game playing down to like twice a week, and when the kids go to bed? They are young: 7 going on 8, 4, and 2. And this one coming around Halloween. They're only this little for a little bit. Then they're going to want to go off on their own w/ their friends. It makes me wonder, am I not attractive to him anymore? Is that why he doesn't make time for alone time. Maybe when we do that once or twice a month, he just wants to get it over with so it ends up being so short? There's a group we both are members of on FB and they post dark humor and dark memes and all. Well a lot of those memes, are sexy pictures of attractive women with nice bodies, larger boobs, butts. I see almost every one of those he hits the like button on. I'm wondering if I'm no longer what he wants. I wonder if he might have someone else (like in the same category as these attractive women in those memes) on the side. I mean, he works an hour+ away from home. He hardly calls me on his way home anymore. If he does, it's because I texted him earlier to see if he can grab milk on his way home or w/e and he'll call and ask if that's all we needed, see if it's changed in those few hours and that maybe we need something else.

I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying not to doubt him. But I've dealt w/ stuff w/ my older 2 kids' dad (who is a narcissistic psychopath) for the 6 1/2 years I was w/ him. It's caused me to be insecure and low-self esteem, and feeling inadequate. Because my ex has made me believe I was not good enough, that I never do anything right, that I'm a terrible mother. I only lived w/ my ex for 3 months out of those 6 years. It was the last 3 months of our relationship. Long story there. But anyway, I lived w/ my mother and he w/ his grandparents. He;s 8 years older than me, so just to give you that info into how he so did not act according to his age. He would run off w/ "friends" for 1-3 days w/o calling me before leaving or any time in between. He had no phone either until he moved in my apt. the last 3 months of the relationship. His grandparents had no clue where he went. I would call 2 of his friends I had numbers for, and they wouldn't hear from him. He wasn't helping me financially support our kids (still doesn't, he owes me over $10K in back child support), he only worked under the table jobs the little bit he would work. He'd mostly run off after he got paid for said odd jobs. I'd get upset when I'd finally hear from him, because you know, as a parent you shouldn't be just running off like you're a single childless person all over again. And he'd turn it around on me like I have no right to get upset over it and that he was just w/ so and so and w/e bullcrap story he'd give me.

So yeah, I have issues from that. And my husband knows this. He also knows that also because of this, I have a hard time w/ confrontation. He knows I have depression and anxiety since my adolescence on. He used to ask me if something was wrong. I'd try to talk to him about my feelings on an issue, but I shut down again because some looks he might give or body language. Whether it's looks or body language that comes off defensive or like I hurt his feelings, it doesn't matter. All that shuts me down. I do feel, so lost. Because I feel like I'm losing my best friend, my soul mate, so early into this. I envisioned us growing into sassy old people.

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