Cookies on The Couple Connection: The couple connection uses cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use the couple connection, we will assume that you are happy to receive all cookies from this site.

Depression and (lack of) intimacy

Posted by: Anonymous
Fri 21, Apr 2017 at 12:11am
Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner, Communications in relationships, Sex and Affairs

Hi, we're a married couple in our early 40's, with 2 young kids.

My wife has struggled with depression for a number of years, and in recent months she's had a particularly bad spell. Our intimate relationship has always been a source of frustration for me, I don't just mean sex but cuddling, holding hands etc, it simply doesn't happen.

Any time I try to raise the issue I'm met with hostility, and accused of being some kind of sex-mad pervert, and she point blank refuses to discuss it.

My wife went to a sex therapist 2 years ago but, again refused to discuss what was said or what she/I/we as a couple could do to improve things.

I'm now getting to the point of walking away, which would break my heart to do but I'm really struggling to find a solution to this recurring problem. I'm also thinking that the problem must be with me, she obviously doesn't find me attractive either emotionally or physically anymore, and perhaps I'm the cause of her depression, and she'd be a lot happier without me.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to get this off my chest

  This was of help to 0% of people  


  • Cc admin Flag

    Hello - reading your post, it sounds like you've been struggling with this for a long time. It sounds like you've had a few conversations about this with your wife, but there are a still a couple of important points that remain unspoken.

    Does your wife know that you've reached the point where you're considering walking away? Perhaps if you were to bring this up - not as a threat, but as an illustration of how tough things have become for you - she might be inspired to re-engage with therapy.

    You also mention that you feel responsible for the depression or that the problem lies with you. This is a very common thought for partners of depressed people, but it isn't necessarily true. You might want to raise this as a point of discussion too - not as the truth, but as a feeling you've arrived at.

    OnePlusOne, the relationship charity who run this site, have recently co-created a leaflet aimed at supporting partners of people with depression. You can find it at this link and may find it helpful (scroll down to the bottom of the bookshelf and look for the picture of the cloud with multi-coloured rain):

    Fri 21, Apr 2017 at 11:38am