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Boyfriend has low sex drive, is lazy and turned on barely anything!

Posted by: Anonymous
Fri 21, Jul 2017 at 6:55pm
Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner, Communications in relationships, A Psychologist's Perspective, Sex and Affairs

I am not one to post on things like this but I am so distressed and don't know who else to turn to as I cannot afford therapy at the moment. My friends are all younger and give horrible advice. Here it goes.
I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is 22. We live together and will have been dating for 4 years in October. My boyfriend and I are perfect for each other and very happy. We have identical personalities, the same sense of humor, he is so good to me, and we enjoy each other's company so much. Our sex life, however is absolutely dreadful. Our sex life was pretty great for about the first six months of our relationship and it has just gone down hill so much over the years. At first when we talked about it he said he just has a low sex drive and that he prefers cuddling and just spending time with me and sex is just not on his mind as much as it is for me. I do have a very high sex drive. I would ideally like to have sex at least once every day, however I realize that's asking for a lot so I would be ok with at least once a week, however my boyfriend and I go over a month without having sex and we are 21 and 22 years old! As time went on and I was getting more distressed he admitted to also being lazy. He doesn't like foreplay and all that and he gets tired as soon as he hits the sack and sex is the last thing on his mind. We've had the talk about how being lazy all the time is not ok and that he needs to make an effort to satisfy me and at least compromise with me when it comes to the quantity of sex we have. This has never worked and we still rarely have sex. I have also learned that barely anything turns him on! Like honestly barely anything and this effects the quantity of sex we have and the quality. I will just be blunt here, when we do finally have sex once in a blue moon it sucks! I have had 9 other partners before him and he is like the 4th worst (do not judge me for being young I was sexually active very early in life and my life is not the typical stable life you imagine for a young child.) Anyway, yes nothing turns him on! He does not like preforming oral on me because he thinks it's gross. He doesn't care for foreplay FOR ME whatsoever and it does nothing for him. I have asked him and he has admitted that me being turned on and seeing that I am enjoying myself does not turn him on and it does nothing for him. Also after having sex about two weeks ago for the second time in THREE MONTHS during which both times he never even kissed me I asked him why he never makes out with me and he replied with "I don't really like making out." So we can add making out to the list of things that he doesn't like and that don't turn him on. Also side note, this problem has gotten so bad that I have cried to him about it and told him it makes me feel like he doesn't think I'm attractive and he has INSISTED very genuinely that he thinks I'm absolutely beautiful and sexy and that I'm the hottest girl in the world to me and he loves showing me off because he thinks I'm so hot and he knows he has a good one. I'm not trying to sound vain but I have always felt relatively attractive, people have told me so and men have always been attracted to me and I've never had any problem in that department and when I complain to my friends about this they always reply the same thing "I don't get it you're so hot!" So again, not to sound vain but what I'm saying is im not an unattractive girl and have never had problems with men finding me attractive physically and my boyfriend says he thinks I'm very sexy. So there's that...anyway so I have tried to spice it up and I asked him "just tell me all of your fantasies all of them anything don't be embarrassed just tell me any kinks you have so I can try and turn you on." Well he's barely into anything! And the few things he is into I am either not or they're unrealistic. His kinks include:
Orgasming on me, whether it's my actual body or on my face. He orgasms on me every time anyway and I told him I won't allow it on my face because I think it is disrespectful, and again this is not something that will make the sex any better for ME.
Two girls preforming oral on him....well THAT'S not helpful and will obviously never happen that is just a fantasy.
And lastly he has claimed he doesn't like same old same old sex in bed and as I said before sex in bed makes him tired and he likes doing it in public places where there's a risk of getting caught. He says "remember when we used to do it in my truck in parking lots all of the time?" And my response is this, HE DOESNT HAVE A TRUCK ANYMORE WE HAVE A TINY CHEVY MALIBU! That was also when I was in high school and lived with my grandparents still and we could not have sex at home. So when we would go out together we would HAVE to do it in his truck. sex in my car would be awful and again this little kink he has is something I could try and make happen occasionally but not on a regular basis!
He doesn't like lingerie
He doesn't like role playing
He doesn't have any body fetishes besides boobs a little bit when he is exceptionally excited for some reason once in a blue moon he loves my boobs and he's all about some boobs, that's his one thing that I have actually witnessed him get very excited over before.
He's not into kinky sex not even a little bit no handcuffs or hand tying none of that.
I'm not into watching porn together I hate porn and it pisses me off, that's a different story.

When we do have sex it is so boring. He never initiates obviously so I initiate and the only thing that actually works to turn him on is if I literally just grab his junk and start feeling him up. Then there is no kissing I usually preform oral on him and if I'm lucky while I'm doing that he will play with me down there with his hands (very aggressively I guess to make it seem like he's putting in effort but it doesn't feel good and I've given him tips on how to make it feel good and he just doesn't listen or care or absorb it, I don't know. Then after we do that we have sex and during the sex I quite literally feel like I am a hole. He just has sex with me. He doesn't talk dirty, he doesn't touch me except to hold my hips, he doesn't kiss me he doesn't rub his body on me or rub my body he doesn't pull my hair, or spank me nothing! Just in out in out until he finishes. So there, that's the description of our once every about month in a half sex. I grab him, I give him oral, I MIGHT get some aggressive and not pleasurable handplay and then we have boring sex where I feel like a hole the entire time until he finishes. No amount of talking has helped and I feel as though I am doomed. In fact I've gone over this in my head so much I doubt there is any real advice anyone can even give me besides to break up with him which I will not do. I'm pretty much just typing this out so I can get it all out. I'm thinking I'm just going to have to accept my fate at 21 years old that my sex life is basically over.

Anyway I don't know what to do here! I love him so much and I know he loves me dearly. We get along so well and have so much fun together and he is not selfish and lazy outside of the bedroom he is hardworking and a giving, compassionate, selfless man but IN the bedroom he absolutely sucks. He's selfish, he's lazy, he's got a low drive obviously, and he hardly has any turn ons or at least not any realistic ones that will make sex better for BOTH of us. I've never had self image issues like this before and even though he's told me 100 times and everyone else tells me not to feel that way because "I'm super hot" but I can't help it if my 22 year old boyfriend never wants to have sex with me! So...I guess that's it.
Also side note I forgot to add, many people I talk to think he is gay because they've just never heard of or experienced men who aren't annoyingly persistent about wanting sex. He is not gay though, I've talked to him about it and he was so genuinely insulted and was upset with me for a few hours aferwards. He's still somewhat a normal man. I've seen the basic stereotypical porn on his phone before, I've caught him checking out other girls while we're out that catch his eye, I've seen him on instagram look at another girls picture a little too long and then like I've said when he IS in the mood he doesn't have a problem getting it up and he loves my boobs and they drive him absolutely nuts sometimes. So no he's not gay. He's also not a cheater, he is very faithful and we are together all the time unless he is with his family or at work and I also track his location so I know where he is all the time.

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  • User-anonymous pp Flag

    Hi, you say you have a great relationship, but based on what you say afterwards, it doesn't sound as if you're completely happy in it.
    He doesn't really seem to be attentive to your needs - which you have repeatedly expressed to him.
    He doesn't make an effort during sex and doesn't care to give you pleasure.
    What sort of a live-in relationship is that? Sorry to be so blunt, Is he just depending on you for your rent money and basic companionship?
    I was in a relationship once where we stayed together because we got on so well, but I was complaetely uninterested in sex, so I know how it can be, but I got fed up after a while, I like to know my partner finds me hot and shows it, too.
    Is there any way you can move away from him (so you take away the companionship and the rent) I'm not saying you should split up - just change the dynamic and see if he wakes up to you.
    Good luck

    Mon 31, Jul 2017 at 4:52am