Trying to right my wrong but so unhappy
Hi my marriage became very one sided and I ended up being a single mum whilst married. Friends and family told my husband how things were but his answer was " she's well trained " and " she's alright". I also told him how I was feeling and put lots of effort in to get noticed, even trying new intimate stuff. Nothing seemed to work and I met someone who made me feel loved and appreciated. I ended up having an affair .the person I had an affair with said he hated the way my husband treats me and wanted to give me and my children a better life. He said he loved me. I turned him down, I guess I came to my senses. I told my husband in June straight after I ended the affair. The affair lasted 2 months. The first thing my husband did was have sex and he said afterwards that " he just wanted to see if he could do that again".it felt awful, I had to get the after morning pill, and I cried so much. The next day my husband worked late and I was still crying when he phoned me. He asked if I felt that the sex was like rape and I replied yes. He said would I like him to come home. I said no. He came home anyway and gave me a hug which I didn't want. He said it shouldn't if happened and we should forget that if ever did happen. I've hated sex with my husband since and last did it in August. We have since tried to patch things up but every day I am punished for what I did ( jibed at , put down, under the thumb) my husband doesn't seem to acknowledge the reasons why I had an affair and still treats me the same way. His comments have pushed me so far away I cannot be intimate with him at all. I posted on here about how long should you accept abuse for after admitting an affair and a few weeks back he threatened to kill the person I had an affair with and gave great detail how he would do it and then told me he wouldn't kill me in my sleep. He said this in all in such a cold calculated way I went to the police. I am so scared of him I am on eggshells and I stay because I feel so guilty, am scared to leave, and because of my children, but I am so unhappy. This weekend my husband has said some more hurtful things too many to write here. One minute he wants me to leave and tell my parents what I have done, then he says he doesn't want to live here and will leave, then he wants me to distance myself from my family and cut all ties from them, then he plans future holidays and Christmas as though nothing has been said. In his words "I am not allowed to look after my elderly parents when it gets there because I am not to be a sub slave to anyone and that I don't have the time anyway". Yet again I went to work in tears, it's the only time I cry because my husband likes it when he makes me cry, he said at the weekend I was stubborn and defiant because I show no emotion anymore I don't cry or stick up for myself. No matter how I explain my side and the things I am trying to fix stuff it is not good enough. I am petrified of having sex with him. Someone please help as I feel so trapped and like I am going mad. I can't figure it out anymore and I can't write everything on here. Counselling is refused and family lives people say I have to stick at it as he's hurting. It's been 7 months since I told him. Someone just help me please as I feel I have missed my chance to be happy.