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Should I leave my partner?
I have been with my partner for 18 months. I am 30 and he is in his mid forties with three children under 13. He is the first man I have ever loved, yet there are problems in the relationship which I feel cannot be resolved. I am having a hard time knowing what to do, and as all my friends are not impartial, I thought I would ask for other advice.
He has never compromised for me, he won't come over to my house because he suffers from OCD and likes to be at home. I have only met his children once, he is at the beck and call of his ex wife, he has met almost none of my friends, I feel lonely most of the time even though I go out with friends a lot and have good relationships with my family. As he is never there I may as well be single. He is often caught up in his own psychological process as he experiences strong emotional responses to every day situations, and has been jealous and angry towards me about both very small things and what he saw as massive disrespectful incidents such as 'flirting' with a friend of his. He doesn't want any more children or to get married, and until very recently said he was not prepared to live with me or make any commitment, although he has suddenly changed this in the past few weeks and now wants me to live with him. I feel like if I did do that i would end up being very controlled.
All this said, he is talented, creative, intelligent and interesting and we have very similar views. He makes me feel wanted and special at the times when, I suppose, he feels like it and he often blames stress and being busy on ignoring me.I have recently made friends with a man my own age who is interested in having a relationship. I have been clear with him about the situation and he has been understanding and kind. Being with him has made me question my relationship further but I wonder if I am just giving up on my partner to be with someone else. I have tried to talk to him last week and he was very receptive but it has already gone back to being all about him. I have a bad track record in relationships and am scared to make a decision in case it is the wrong one.
Any help would be appreciated.
Comments
It may be that he is not aware of your difficulties with his self-obssession and may not be able to change this. He does sound a really interesting guy, though, and just the sort of person you would like to have for a friend. Don't fall into the mistake of believing that friendship is somehow "less" than a love relationship. As you say, he offers you his talen, creativity, intelligence and similar views. In other words - a very special friend. Perhaps it is time you looked at finding love with someone else, and, indeed, you are already halfway there. It doesn't sound like a bad track record to me. Could your love interest guy fit into your love life and your interesting friendship guy fit into a good friendship?
That's a really good point! He is moving away from the area which we live and we currently only see each other once or twice a week and have very little quality time - this will lessen even more when he moves. He is supportive and understanding of me and we call and text each other frequently... although I would be sad to lose the passion we have for each other he certainly would make an interesting and loyal friend. I do need someone in my life who I can see more often and who can share my every day experiences rather than a person with so many other commitments. So far he has been surprisingly calm and receptive to my fears and I think he sees my point about not offering me the kind of relationship I need as a woman in my 30s. So thank you for your feedback, its made me more confident about the approach I will take when I speak to him next :)