Long term Emotional Affair - Marriage at Risk and Very Confused
I am so emotionally confused I don't know where to turn. I have been married for 10 years now, we have been together for 11 years. I have a 16 year old daughter by a previous 7 year abusive relationship. And we have a 4 year old girl.
I have always been an emotional lover, I first fell in love in the 8th grade, and it broke my heart deeply, I cried and cried every night. Though my first 2 years of high school I would give a nice guy the time of day. My heart was hurt and I knew I would just end up hurting him. There was this guy who was so in-love with me. We were best friends, but I wouldnt date him, thinking it would all end bad and end up getting hurt. About a year later I meet my ex of 7 years, my heart was hurt and basically he was older and cute, and I had very low self-esteem due to a lot of abuse as a child by my parents. He was abusive to me and had affairs all the time. About 4 years into our relationship I saw my friend from high school, he was in town for just one night. I went to my friends house and visited for a while. My feelings for him were so strong it shocked me. I went to leave knowing the longer I was gone the worse it would be for me when I got home. He walked me to my car and we hugged for the longest time. Then we kissed. It was our first kiss. My heart filled with love. Knowing I had to get home, also knowing I have a 2 year old at home as well, I had to leave, he asked me to stay, to leave and come back with him. But I was scared and hand a baby at home, I told him I couldnt leave not now. Then I left, it broke my heart, and I thought about him often. The last 3 years of our relationship was full of lies and affairs. For the last year and a half of our relationship I just remember being numb, I could not stand to look at him for what he had put me though, and my heart was broke again.
We split up in a messy custody battle, and dont talk much anymore. I soon after meet my husband. He was such a gentleman, treated me with love and respect. He always woohed me. I fell for him hard, on the 1 year anniversary of our first date we got married. It was the most beautiful wedding ever. We had a rough first 3 or 4 years, 6 months before getting married I was in a bad car accident. 6 month after getting married, I started having sever panic attacks, which soon turned into agoraphobia, I dealt with issue of his, lieing and sealing from me, work, and friends. It was hard to trust him, we split up a couple times over these issues, our last split up was about 3 years into the marriage. That time was different, we were both miserable without each other, and decided we just could not live without the other.
About 4 years ago, my friend from high school came back into my life. He was married at that time for 5 years. Him and his family came down here for a visit with me and other high school friends of his. It was a very emotional trip for the both of us, it stirred up some very strong feelings. We did not have any alone time, but we sat and talked a bit. When they went to leave, both of our eyes filled with tears. Over the next year we talked a lot about our feelings, we both agreed that we love each other very much. He ended up getting divorced. I tried to let my feelings for him go, I did not talk to him for about a year, or at least very little, but that did not last very long. Every time we talk, I feel so much for him. My husband who is a truely wonderful guy, going though stuff of our own. Money, bills stacking up, food not in the house, work is scarce. His anger issues got real bad, always yelling and cursing around the house. This went on for a few years, I kept tell him if he was breaking my heart every time he said something rude and hurtful to me. after about 2 years of that, I told him I was done, I could not take his rude hurtful remarks anymore. I have many health problems, one being anorexia. and with lack of food in the house, bills piling up, and stress my weight had dropped to 105 and I am 5' 7". I decided I had to get out for a while, to me it was either check myself into an eating disorder clinic or go to a friends house. So I left and went to Redding. I spent a few days there, and then decided to see my high school friend. I was halfway to his house already. My decision to see him was very hard. It was either be heart broken I didnt see him, or be heart broken when I do see him, knowing I have to leave. But I could not go without seeing him. I knew if I did not take this chance it would be a very long time if ever that I got another chance. We spent 3 of the most wonderful days and 2 nights together. When I left back for Redding it tore my heart out, I cried for hours on the way back to my friends house.
I returned back home, and these feelings I am having are overwhelming. I love my husband, but how can I be physical with him, or cuddle and love on him, if my whole heart is not there. I dont even want him to love on me right now. My heart is just not there. Me and my husband have had many honest conversations about our relationship and how this effects it. My husbands opinion is to let my feeling for this other man go, and lets be happy forever. My feelings are, I have tried to let these feelings go for many many years. But the feelings are not going away. I love my husband so very much. But I love this other man too. I dont know how to save my marriage or if I have to let it go. I feel like a rock between a hard place. We have a wonderful family, with the two girls. I need to fix this pain in my heart once in for all. That way no matter who I am with, they have 100% of my heart. Please any advise or words on my story many help steer me in the right direction.
Thank you for listening