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Jeallousy getting out of control...please help!
My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years now and have a 1 year son together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the past 5 years but generally we are very happy together. Recently though I have discovered a couple of lets say 'truths' regarding my partner.
1. He chatted to an old flame on facebook after we started dating and some of the content...it said things like, thinking of you, nice picture (never saw the picture but he reassures me it wasnt anything racey, they also tried meeting up several times but never did, after a few days of argueing he reassured me it meant nothing and he was sorry.
2. I found out he kissed another girl the week after our first date which we also slept together that night. I was heartbroken becuase I basically thought that the date and night we spent together obviously meant nothing to him. But also after days of argueing and hurting he told me it was a drunken mistake and regretted it.
3. I found out he watched porn behind my back a couple of times. We occasionally watch it together but I never dreamed he would watch it on his own. He wasnt going to tell me at all but I found an old receipt to a porn site on television. To be honest I really wish I never found out. Even though he was apoloegtic he said its something all men do and doesnt mean anything. Im still paranoid he may do it behind my back as he doesnt see it as a big deal.
You may think Im being stupid as this happened so long ago and I should just let it go but its a big deal for me. My partner works 15 hour days and hardly has anytime together at the moment so its hard to chat to him and when I try and do he gets mad at me for bringing it up again. But mainly Im just looking for some reassurance from him.
I have always been a jeallous person for many reasons 1 being my ex cheated on me and it was 5 months before I found out and was totally shocked as didnt suspect a thing. Anyway ever since these problems have come about my jeallousy has gone to a new level. My insecurities are eating me up. Its awful. I love my partner very much he means the world to me, but for some reason somethings holding me back. Its like hes not the man I thought he was. Im jeallous over past girlfriends as well some of which he is still friends with. How can I get this jeallousy under control and enjoy my life with my family? Any help or advice would be greatly recieved.
Comments
Hi Anon, it can be very difficult if we feel insecure and events affect us more deeply than it would affect others.
Being a bit allergic to technology I tend to steer clear of Facebook/twitter etc because everything is instance and people read so much into it. However. that doesn't help you. The benefits of technology is it allows people to keep in touch, have access to information quickly and cheaply. Its a bit like reading someones letters you find lying around and reading more into it that is actually said. Perhaps you bf was ending the relationship with his previous gf and drink can have that effect on people. I found porn magazines (pre-internet days) that my bf had put away, out of sight which I found when I was putting some clothes away and I felt very angry at the time, annoyed and not good enough. When we spoke about it my bf was embarrassed and explained why he had them, then we talked about it and eventually laughed about it and from then on we found we talked more openly about everything and our relationship improved.
My bf also worked in an environment where we had many female colleagues and I used to be jealous of them. Now I have learnt to trust and know that this is part of my bf likeable, sociable nature. He gets on with most people and it is part of who he is and why I love him.
There are some really good articles on this site, particularly the information on the stages of realtionship. I hope you find a way to trust and put your jealousy to one side and if you need to get some help through counselling with either Relate or Marriage Care - the second organisation operate on a donation basis, which you may find beneficial. Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Thank you for your comment. Really nice of you to take the time and write to me. Yeah Im not a great fan of facebook but in a way sometimes I think im on there to keep an eye on my partner and also to let all his friends know he has a partner. This girl he had a drunken kiss with wasnt a gf just someone he knew. (she worked in his local bar) have spoken to my partner about it lots and to be honest it was a drunken mistake and im not going to let one stupid kiss that happened such a long time ago ruin our relationship. So I have to put it to the back of my mind and move forward. The porn stuff well what can I say. We have argued and argued he just doesnt get how much it upset me but really its silly. Thats what i have to keep telling myself. Yes my partner is a very sociable and likeable person hes nice to everyone and anyone. Male and Female, I fell in love with him that was one of the qualities why becuase he was so nice. I believe with my post natal depression at the moment. My mind is doing overtime about everything. But I have an ultamatium I suppose. Do I carry on the way I am destroying my family and pushing the love of my life away over what? or do I accept the past and move on and enjoy my life. Yeah im always going to have insecurites. Its just me! but I have to manage them better. I will find a way.
Thanks again x