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Innocent chat or something to be worried about?

User-anonymous
Posted by: stretch
Flag
Sun 7, Dec 2008 at 1:49am
Categories:
Affairs & Jealousy

HI,


 


I'm new here!! So hopefully i can get some good advice here.


The story goes...


My girlfriend joined Facebook about a month ago. This in itself is not a problem, i myself am on Facebook and it's great.


However, my girlfriend is becoming increasingly secretive when she is using the laptop of facebook.


Today i came home from work, put on the laptop and was about to log into facebook when an instant chat window from facebook popped up. This was a conversation between my girlfriend and an ex.


So i thought hmm... do i read it or not, i i went with read it. Rightly or wrongly i did.


What i found was a chat between the two of them that started of flirty then turned out to be them discussing their sexual conquests, how they both miss it and them wondering if they'll ever do it again. Then swapping phone numbers and promising to text each other!! This came as a bit of a shock to me bearing in mind we;ve been together over a year, live together and are engaged.


She is a very loving girlfriend most of the time, but she has always put the doubt in the back of my mind that she could be infaithful. Mainly because she flirts with people, doesn't like me to go out when she is out in town and wears very very little when she does go out. I'm 24, she's 21.


Any opinions on what i should do? Should i tell her what i saw on the laptop because she knows something is wrong with me but i'm keeping schtum at this time!

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Comments

  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Bummer - doesnt look good mate.
    You need to confront her and get this sorted - specially as youre angaged and obviously feel this is a stable ongoing relationship.
    Sounds as if shes not really ready to commit yet and still wants to play around.
    Mind you dont get burnt.
    Good luck,
    Dave
     

    Mon 8, Dec 2008 at 10:57am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    And a though from a womans point of view. It could be as Dave has put it, it really dont look good and is a huge shame but, If she had told you, would you have been happy about it?
    Not all flirtation leads to affairs. He might think, because of her responses, that he is in for a bit. She may not. They do have a past and a lot of women can feel comfy talking all ways to their ex's hoping they can remain just friends. To her it may be a bit of fun and flattery and nothing more.
    You will however have to ask her. If she does just see him as a friend you must tell her it aint right for the flirting or sexual discussions. Ask her how she would feel if you were flirting with an ex.
    Keep us posted!
    Sian

    Wed 10, Dec 2008 at 2:24pm
  • User-anonymous stretch Flag

    Hi,
     
    Thanks for your comments. It's been a few days now, i confronted her about it on Sunday.
    Her basic explaination was that she was only having a laugh with him and there was nothing in it. This to me though was not a good enough reason. I read the conversation and it didn't seem like 'a laugh' to me.
    There were a few inconsistences in her explainantion too, such as she said he has a girlfriend, even though in the conversation she asks if he has a girlfriend and he says he doesn't! She claims she didn't take his number and put it in her phone, but she gave him her number. There's just little things that don't ad up.
    I don't think she's actually cheated, but to me it's as good as. She ended up in tears saying she didn't want us to break up and that it was all innocent etc. To me though i think she is just sorry she got caught out, if she hadn't of been caught then who knows what would have happened.
    I told her that if it had been me talking to an ex or even just a random girl in that way she'd have flipped her lid, she agreed, but somehow i don't think she realises what she has done.
    It's been a few days as i said, we have both been to visit my mum and stay there for a few days, and we are now back at home. It was great whilst we were away from home, but now i'm back home i can feel myself having the same doubts as i did on Sunday.
    To be honest, i do not trust her one bit now. i mean why, if she is in a serious relationship etc is she behaving in that way? There's no excuse in my opinion for it.
    Any opinions will help, but if i can't get my head around it i'm going to have to cut my losses i think.

    Thu 11, Dec 2008 at 1:17pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi,

    To keep it from you was wrong, but she wont have thought what she was doing was wrong. To her it was just for fun. She kept it from you as not to hurt you, or cause what it has cause, and hurt you it did.
    Its an odd thing how we think differently about our actions until someone points out, as you have done, how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Some people however dont see it even when told.
    If no-one made mistake's there would be no learning, and i think she will have learnt a hard lesson.
    I can well imagine how p***ed you are at her cos i would feel the same way, and so would she. You are both still so young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Do you love her?

    Sian

    Fri 12, Dec 2008 at 12:36pm
  • User-anonymous stretch Flag

    Yeah i love her to bits. And i know she loves me too despite what she's done.
    I am having a hard time dealing with it all though, i wouldn't consider myself an unreasonable person, but i'm finding the thought that i might not be able to trust her very hard. I know it might have just been a bit of fun but to me there are certain lines people in relationships don't cross and this is one of them.
    I keep thinking that it'll all be fine then it'll pop up in the back of my mind and i'll find myself in a mood about it all over again. I ended up staying at my best mates house last night cos i just couldn't bare to be in the house with her with bad thoughts running through my mind.
    It's not a healthy situation and it isn't fair on her either. She doesn't deserve to be treated like shit and be upset all of the time despite what she's done. To be fair i'm starting to feel a bit sorry for her.
    She will definately have learnt a lesson but there's no gaurantee it won't happen again, and next time she'll certainly be more careful. These are just a few of the things that run through my mind daily!!
    I don't know if anyone's ever been in this position before but if you have and can offer me some words of advice or encouragement it would be appreciated.
    Clearly i don't want to be breaking up with her, we're engaged and have our own place etc so it's not a petty relationship. But i can't stay with someone i can't trust.

    Sat 13, Dec 2008 at 3:02am
  • User-anonymous James Flag

    I can really understand how much you would like to trust your girlfriend, but how hard is it to do so.  It sounds as if it is affecting your ability to communicate.
    Have you thought of seeing a couple counsellor?  That might help both of you to communicate your feelings to each other and in time re-establish trust.  If you are both committed to the relationship that might be a good way forward.
    This article on the site might also help you both: http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/36

    Sat 13, Dec 2008 at 3:09pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    There are no guarantee's for anything in life, if ya want it you need to work hard for it. You need to do what you believe is right to do for you. And no, its not right to treat her like shit. You need to now look at what she is doing to make it up to you. Eventually you will settle back into to each other. Just takes time.

    Sat 13, Dec 2008 at 6:06pm
  • User-anonymous stretch Flag

    I've not considered councelling, it's not really my thing without sounding unappreciative. Due to my job i spend a lot of time with people and personally find counsellor's are when a relationship has gone too far really. Clearly it works for some people, that is just my opionion.

    To be fair to whoever posted the last entry, you're right, all the good things in life have to be worked for.

    She's not going out of her way to make it up to me, she's just carrying on with life like everything is normal. I understand why she is doing this, she doesn't want to dwell on it, and neither do i. But i was the one who was hurt by what she did so i can't just move on as easy as that. But in the last day or two things have seemed better to me, i think i'm starting to finally chill out about it.

    That doesn't mean i think what she did was in any way ok. When i think about it my blood still boils, but until such a time as i can forgive her completely i will just plod on and hope it comes right in the end.

    The only issue i have is that more so now than ever i am feeling insecure about the relationship. She insists that she is as committed as ever, but obviously i have doubts in my mind, i mean who wouldn't!
    I don't fancy being hurt in the future, and i'm in a situation where it's a case of; do i nip it in the bud and get away now or wait and see if it happens again or worse.

    I've spoken to my friends about it, but as friends do, they look out for my interests and only say, "well i think you should finish it personally". To me it's not helpful advice, if that's what i wanted to do i'd have done it before now. They probably just want me out on the town all of the time like i used to be!!

    As for the facebook situation, she has deleted the bloke she was chatting to off her friends now, which is fine, but then she did give him her mobile number, so it wouldn't really matter, they could still be in contact. I hope i don't come across too paranoid. I'm sure anybody who's been in this position will appreciate what goes through the mind.

    Mon 15, Dec 2008 at 4:53am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Hi Stretch, my heart truly goes out to you as I am in the exact same situation with my husband. My story is entitled "I am so hurt, what should I do" and the follow on which is much worse is entitled something like "Follow on from I am so hurt what should I do also caught cheating online".
    I don't really have any fantastic advice as I am looking for the same way out myself. I am fine one minute, my husband and I are really loving and the next minute I am off on one and he just doesn't understand. I too cannot seem to find a way forward. I want to but don't know how to. It's very much like I cannot see the wood for the tree's at the moment!
    Good luck and I hope you and anyone else in this situation finds some peace.
    x
     

    Mon 15, Dec 2008 at 9:58am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I've been in my relationship a long time, over 15 years. Trust has been an issue from time to time. My partner did have contact with an ex girlfriend when we had been together for 2 years. I think it was part of committing.We did talk about it - eventually.The way I see it is if you love someone you want to trust them. people can love you and sometimes let you down.Even after 15 years there are times when I feel attracted to other men but I don't want to lose what I have. I am sure that must be the same for my partner. But you live with the risk that something might happen. I think you have to have confidence in your love and never assume that because yiu made a commitment your commitment won't be trusted. If you love her and beleive she loves you then forget the past and concentrate on your future together.
    all the best, sheila

    Mon 15, Dec 2008 at 7:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Your right not to take the advise from your friend, i'm sure if the shoe was on their foot with the girl they love they wouldnt leave cos you told him to. If they did then it wasnt love they were feeling! Us girls would give the same advise if single, unloved and all the men in our lives were ba****ds.
    Maybe it that she is just so ashamed of how she hurt you she cant face it for how its hurting her, and hoping if she ignores it it will go away. I know its not going to help you, but maybe having an idear of how it might be may help you. I can well imagine how ya struggling with it because of your love for her. And its so much easier to give advice than take it. I truly feel for you and its taking me ages to put into words something that just might help.
    She was stupid, simple as. But i'm sure she is struggling with it just as much as you are. After all you cant let her forget what she has done to you, and that is completely understandable. Thing is tho, if she really does love you, she wont be able to forget. There would be nothing in this world that will take away the guilt someone feels for the hurt they have caused the person they love. Yous can move on from it, and the memory will fade, but yous wont forget it completely.
    Sian

    Tue 16, Dec 2008 at 11:06am
  • User-anonymous stretch Flag

    Thanks for the last posts, they're all spot on as usual!!
    Since last time, i've managed to pull my head out of my ar*e and things are going well. That's not to say it doesn't still play at the back of my mind but i'm putting it off and getting on with life.
    We do have a lot to lose, and i know she doesn't want to lose it either, so for the time being i'm happy to get things back on track. At the first sign of anything else that makes me question trust etc i think i'll have to reassess the situation.
     

    Thu 18, Dec 2008 at 1:33am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    (Comment removed due to inappropriate content.)

    Wed 4, Feb 2009 at 10:12pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi, Im kind of in the same boat as you, except i found her Msn chat log on my laptop to her male friend.
    They have been speaking to each other online quite abit lately and she makes out they just talk about random stuff.
    But i came across this chat log and i didnt like what i saw. Im yet to confront her about it cos im scared of what might happen.
    Basically they been flirting with each other.
    Hes got a girlfriend of 7 years. Ive been with mine 2 years this week.
    Shes been talking to him about having the urges to cheat (which she feels bad about) whilst in a relationship with me. This doesnt bode well for me since she was the one who told me when we first started dating that if a person has an urge to cheat they shouldnt be in the relationship their in.
    He is constantly trying to get her to go on her webcam which thankfully she hasnt agreed to do yet.
    if i come and sit next to her when shes on msn she wont open their chat window for love nor money.
    It just sits there flashing orange until she comes up with something to get rid of me. like ask for a drink or something.
    Im thinking about confronting her about it tonight. Just to see if she knows shes in the wrong.
    She'll prob turn it on me saying i've been spying on her. But it keeps playing on my mind so i have no choice. We own a house together and she still really loving towards me. But she says what they have been talking about after but i know its complete bull.
    She also spoke to him about us being together for 2 years this week
    to which he replied "aww"
    she then said shes gonna go drown her sorrows. "It wont be long before he cheats on me"
    Me cheat on her.....laughable
    I dunno what to do. I may as well just confront her about it tonight.

    Tue 24, Mar 2009 at 11:18am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    All I can say is watched the thoughts of betrayal, because once they start, they become like the Flu virus...cured, just to evolve and spread again. My girlfriend of 2 years revealed that early on in our relationship she went on a date with her ex boyfriend, while telling me she was hanging with friends all day. Though it happen within the first three months of us being together it is something that keeps coming back to me even now. I went for a a whole four months not knowing what she he had did, and the thought keeps coming back in my head, that she could do it again. She is the sweetest girl on the world, and I know she loves me, but knowing she could be lying to me is enough to make me go insane. But to all who have this insecurity issues, I think the first thing to accept, is that it may start and end with you. I know my girlfriend doesn't act fishy, or hide things from me. She has even given me all of passwords to facebook, myspace, and both emails. If I wanted I could read her txt msg as well. However; even sometimes this is not enough to kill those thoughts, and at times they get the best of me and I act like a complete jerk. I'm currently getting counseling because I know this has little to do with her, and I know how much she means to me and I feel awful being this way. But we are open, and I do discuss my thoughts, even if they are silly and pathetic, and she does her best to talk to me and make things work. The key I would say is communication, because if you too can sit and talk about it together, then you can over come anything. She knows what she did in the past was wrong, and she knows lying to me about it, for so long was wrong as well, but I also know since I made the choice to stay with her, that I should give her the respect of forgiveness. But its very hard, and even though she didn't actually sleep with him, she did feel the need to be with him for a whole day and night...and even as I typed that, it makes me feel like shit. I hope the best for everyone and I hope that one day we can understand these strange creatures called women, who still our hearts and juggles them for fun...while we watch and prey they dont dropped them.

    Tue 31, Mar 2009 at 10:45am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My comments for "Anonymous on 24 March 2009 at 11:18am" is it appears that you need to talk to your girlfriend. That is the most obviously piece of advice. However , it is when and how you do it. The timing of the conversation must be right, select a time when you know  you are both calm and undistracted. The place should ideally be private.
    Introduce the subject in a polite, loving and gently way, but be clear. Focus on the way her conduct makes you feel, avoiding conclusive judgemental statements. There is no doubt that she will react by saying you are intruding into her privacy or spying on her. Your reply is that you stumpled upon it accidentally. She may even say you donot trust her or  begin questioning the relationship. All these are inevitable but they are part of dealing with issues in a relationship.
    Good relationships survive these situations and become stronger because of open and frank communication. Depending on how it goes allow time heal the both  of you. There is no formulae but principles. Allow time to rebuild any lost trust, watch, feel, talk, forgive and love...

    Sun 19, Apr 2009 at 8:26pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hey! My name is Dina and i dont know if you have solve your problem, anyway it passed quite long since you wrote, but i wanna speak my mind.
    As regards to what you have noticed and that you have read the chat, i'd say it was a right decision. All that is done, is done to goodness. Not each thing appears suddenly without an aim. You should ask yourself now if it was right or not....although i'm sure that  you did it unconciously, because your inner voice said it to you. I know, it is hard to live a long time together and then see that all gets another shape and an obstacle is between you.
    Definetly, you had to speak with her and ask  to explain all. The next, i suppose, could be the question if she loves you and cares for you...but true saying a person that loves will never seek for another. i'm curious about her future views of you together or not....did she regret or not?
    Maybe i'm wrong...but in my mind,  it was her weak point....maybe she remembered her old relation and as a result - her past feelings, wishes, memories burst out. Maybe her love for the ex was hidden deep inside and it needed just a sign. For sure all that year she loved you, but sometimes our feeling take over our reality, our dear people's feelings...
    Dont blame her! she didnt mean to hurt you...she knew sooner or later you would find out, but she couldnt say it, because she was sure you dont deserve pain and wanted to do it in a less painfull way!
    Love is unpredictable! We love those who dont love us, and hurt those who fell in love with us!
    It is important to forgive....and if its possible to try once again, to rebuild what has been destroied...but  remember this is in case you both want. Reciprocity is the base on  happiness of 50 metres. In life you cant predict what will come upon you next time...its like you're driving a car during the night....the lights show the visibility of next 50 metres...and you live passing metres with metres till you get to the end of the road.

    Wed 29, Apr 2009 at 5:48pm
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