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Choosing between Partner or Lover
I have been in a relationship for 13 years, not married, no children, but own a home together, have joint accounts, etc... I recently started seeing someone else about 4 months ago. I met him at work almost 5 years ago as he used to work in my building. When we met he asked me out and I mentioned that I was in a relationship so it didn't lead to much except friendly work e-mails once in a while. He left the building for another job several months later but still worked near by so we kept in touch. Maybe cute flirty e-mails, a random friendly lunch once in a long time and that's about it, I mean almost a year would go by and we would not talk. Long story short he's back in my life and we started spending time together. We were always very attracted to one another and one day we went out for drinks after work and we kissed. That changed my relationship with my partner completely, my feelings for him changed. I continued to see this guy and eventually moved out of my house with a friend and never explained to my partner why I was doing it except that I needed some space to find myself. My partner/boyfriend is a wonderful man, we had a great relationship and loved one another very much, but we did lack passion and sex. Now I've been seeing this guy and he is suddenly not as available when before he was sooo into me. Although we are exclusive he keeps saying we need to see were things go and take it slow and is not promising anything. I don't have that kind of time because my ex boyfriend has been waiting around to see when and if I will return but also said that he is starting to lose the love he had for me. Now I feel like I ruined a good thing with my ex. I use to love my ex very much and I want to feel and have what I once did with my ex, but can that still happen with me having strong feelings for the new guy? Can I even break it off? It seems so hard because at this point I feel addicted to him. Can my ex and I still feel the same love we once had...he doesn't know at this point that I cheated? No one knows about this new guy and I feel like I'm living a double life which causes me to feel like a mental and emotional mess... Please help.
Comments
It seems like you are not sure at all who you want to be with...so what is the urgency to make a decision. If your relationship with your ex was not satisfying, then to go back without telling him what you have been through while away, would not help you or him. You do not sound at all certain that the new boyfriend is what you want long term either. You sound like you think you are infatuated by him ....am I right? Maybe it would be best to spend some time away from both. If then you would like to explore the possibilities of starting again with your ex....it would not be because you are scared of ending up on your own. What do you think?
Thank you for your reply. I guess the urgency to make a decision comes out of fear to lose my opportunity to reconcile with my ex completely because we are technically separated and he's giving me time...he's basically waiting on me to return or make a decision so in a way I have a deadline. But I"m not afraid to be alone. I did love my ex very much and we had a wonderful relationship and friendship. What was not fulfilling was the passion and sex, we did have sex, but not as often as I would have liked and we didn't even French kiss anymore, only about the first year or two in our relationship. I forgot how nice it was to be kissed...until I met this new person. Again we were together for 13yrs and I was only 20 when we got together.
I would like something long term with the new person, but am beginning to get the impression that he could go either way which is scary based on what I"m giving up. So I don't know if the right thing to do is get back with the ex or if I would be making a mistake by not willing to take things slow with this new guy out of fear of losing my ex. I have great passion with the new one, but commitment, genuine love and friendship with the ex... It's like choosing different categories. I'm scared to get back with the ex who at the end of the day is a better man (I know that much) and then not be able to be intimate with him anymore because it was so different and better with the new one. Or choosing the new one and regret it because my ex may not be passionate but perfect in every other way, he respects me and loves me unconditionally, he fulfills me in every other way. You're probably right, I should stay away from both...but to think of giving up both is just tragic.