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Advise me what i should do
Hi
I don’t know where to begin. I’m 49 and I’ve been living with my partner for nearly 10years and we have a beautiful 9 year old girl.
I’ve lived with my partner and her other daughter and treated her like my own. The problem is a woman friend from 30 years ago contacted me in 2009 via face book, we had had a romance back in 1983 and we started to e-mail. She had moved to New Zealand and was writing from there telling me what had happened in her life. I told her and in some of the e-mails I explained that my partner was a little controlling and out physical relationship was nil some times I feel like I can do no right and i feel I only stay for my daughter as I never want to brake up her family.
Well she e-mails me a sexy scenario and I responded. This happen the once, but many more general e-mail when back and forth between us. . These e-mail petered out to one every 6-9 months and this was basically asking how things were has things changed, the last time we had any contact was in December 2011.
The problem is my partners 21 year old daughter has hacked into my face book account and read and down loaded the e-mails. We got into a fight over something silly as she had been having her go at her mum and she pipes up. You better watch it I know about your little dirty secret on face book messages. Her mum than asked what this and she went into detail. She had deleted the emails form my account and somehow downloaded them so I have no idea as to there content any more.
She’s kicked me out as she said I’ve cheated on her but I never rang this woman or contacted her in any other way.
Please tell me what I should do I love them both dearly and I’ve always looked after the step daughter too and do all I can for her.Im sick with worry and miss my 9 year old and my partner so much.
In hid sight is was a very stupid thing to do but in recent years I’ve leaned there more to relationships than sex. My relationship with may partner has improved as I never ask for sex and I’ve learned to live without.
She sys I’ve cheated on her and betrayed her, there was nothing other than the e-mails no calls no meetings but she thinks had she been in this country it would of become more.
Please advise me what to do.
Many Thanks
Roger
Comments
Well I have to say I can see where she's coming from but it does sound like you love both your partner and her daughter and want them back.
Firstly did you apologise and take full responsibility for your actions? If so thats great and its a step in the right direction.
Now comes the hard part... to be able to get back with your partner if it is at all possible will maybe take a lot of time, as now she has lost the trust she had in you, but it can be built back up... however only if she wants it to be. So this of course means communication so that you can communicate how much you are sorry and how much you want to try again and if she wants to try again you will be able to find that out too. Then I would highly recommend a third party involvement, because the fact is you had the emotional affair for a reason (I'm not saying it was justifiable) but there was a fundamental reason their in the first place, maybe like you said controlling and no physical closeness whatever it was you weren't happy... but these reasons could also be because of some other reason on your part... and so it goes on... the more you understand each other the easier it will be to come to a healthy conclusion.
I hope you manage to get back on track with your relationship.
Hi Thanks for your response.
I have taken full responsibility and I’ve told her I know I was such a silly stupid fool and I’ve said I am truly, truly sorry.
I do love them both very much and my daughter is very special and always wanted to do everything with Dad.
You may be right about something missing but I know what that is we could never talk. All I ever wanted to do was please her and make her happy but I was always a disappointment to her (her words) Regarding a third parties help, I don’t think I’d get her there.
Thats a shame that you couldn't get her there as it just makes things harder I think especially with such a touchy subject.
The thing is whatever was missing might just not be down to one of you there could well be a reason behind her not giving you what you needed too and so on it can get quite complicated to resolve. People do say hurtful things and get into a very bad cycle with the blame thing and maybe you have also been in a bad cycle with communication in the first place otherwise things would have been resolved before you felt the need to escape the reality, the truth is you are probably both to blame and both need to take responsibility without making excuses, but her taking responsibility will take a while as at the moment she is probably just hurting a lot. Keep the communication going and be patient with it give her time and space, I wish there was a quick fix for you but the first thing you need is communication on a certain level to be able to do anything else. good luck with it!
Hi Thanks for your reply.
As things stand at the moment she’s not prepared to talk with me. I’ve made a right mess of things.
Many thanks for your advice
Well in the future that might change and I hope it does for you. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time for the initial hurt to go away.
good luck with this and I hope it works out the way you want it to, but I would also start to prepare yourself for not going back and moving on.