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Advice for my engagement and future with my fiance
I am a 29 year old woman who is working and engaged to a great man. The thing is,, out of the 3 years we've been together, he was unemployed for the half,that is 1.5 years. He is made redundant at the beginning of May after he worked for 6 months in a multinational company at a sales and marketing position and we had our wedding date set for November before. After he was made redundant, I had a talk with him and told him that we could postpone our wedding until he finds a decent job. He refused this and said that we were not postponing. Here we are in the middle of August and he is sill looking for a job. My family started to get worried as they see me in uncertainty. We have gone through this before and just when we thought he found a job that he was happy with and that earned him money, we had the same thing again. I want to ge married to my fiance but it is getting harder and harder to be supportive of him ( I mean not financially but emotinally) because the situation is getting on me, too. Maybe I would not feel this way if it were not for the second time but I realize that I just want to have a life in which we are both working. I can not think of getting married without him findng a job. He agrees with me on this but nothng has changed since May. I am tired of waiting for him to find a decent job and frankly, I started to think that he is not doing all he can to find one. My quesion is this: Should I give him an ultimatum saying that if he finds a job until a certain time, we will get married on our date but if he can not, we will moveon with our lives? it is not that I just want to get married but that I can not take it any longer emotionally. Thanks for advice.
Comments
It sounds to me that you have both been experiencing some difficult times in these challenging times of uncertainty regarding work and employment. Putting out an ultimatum could put extra pressure on you both and may not be the best start to your married life. Perhaps it may be better to explore your relationship and see if that is what you both really want. Couple counselling may help and Relate and Marriage Care both offer counselling for couples in all stages of their relationship.
Many couples start their married life on little income and gradually improve their situation through support, care and love for each other that develops individual confidence to get out there and get a job. I know in my own relationship we started with very little, we did not have everything in place like so many couples today, but we worked and struggled to make ends meet. It was not easy but we got there, we both had jobs where we earned enough JUST and we got through by being creative in getting one room of our house decorated at a time, making food that you cannot find in a recipe book but which kept us going and we also laughed a lot. We were fortunate in where we lived and in our friends and family and we realised in were rich in a different way - the media and certain areas of the community put the emphasis on money. Dont get me wrong I know you need money to live but it is not 'the be all and end all'. By the way, we still live very much the same way as we did back then, but we have the security of knowing that what we have we have worked for and we still laugh. Everything did not work out as we hoped and planned for but we got through and are still here, living, laughing, working - just and still creating interesting recipes that keep us going. Take care and let us know how it works out, because this forum is an ideal place to work and talk stuff out.
Thanks for your advice. It feels great to hear such sincere stories like yours. It would even be more helpful if we could only decide on our own. My family interferes in us so much. Actually, they just want to make sure we form a decent marriage but they do not know where to stop. They do not let us decide on our own. I feel like I do not have to have all the financial securities (like buying a house. We can rent for some time and buy our own later.) to start my married life. I can also start by little but unfortunately there is a new topic my fiance brought up. He told me on the phone that we may postpone our wedding a month or two because of occupational reasons. He refused to do so back when I suggested this as I found out abut his being made redundant. I am really confused about what he thinks. Maybe it is a good idea to have a talk with him about what and how he feels about all this. I have recently started to think that he does not show me enough care. Maybe it isjust related to his mood but I need to feel valued. For example, it was our 3rd anniversary last month and we just ate at a place we regularly go to. I need to feel special but he does not make me feel so recently. He could have written a letter or even a small card including how he feels about our relaionship after 3 years. Am I expecting too much? We do not have marriage or cople counselling in our country so basically here is where I can share :( It