A difficult situation
New member here,
About 5 months ago I started university, I'm a mature student studying on a course were the majority of people are 30+.
Shortly after starting (about a month) I met a girl in my lab class, I had an instant attraction to here...I'm a pretty reserved man and this sort of thing has never happened to me before; I was surprised and shocked that I had such a strong reaction to her.
Funnily enough I turned up late for class and the only place to sit was next to her.
We exchanged numbers and began to meet up regularly, at first just to work on assignments; but then more often and usually for coffee with no uni course work mentioned, things went great each time we met; lots of fun and laughing.
Around Christmas my grandfather fell ill, being a small family I had to take care of him; it was a very stressful time and let the object of my affections know that she probably wouldn't hear from me for several days due to my grandfathers illness.
At first she seemed understanding, however after 4 days and my grandfather recovering I contacted her and was surprised by her reaction; she was incredibly aggressive and had apparently talked the situation over with her housemates who all came to the conclusion that I was cold and selfish.
This amazed me, I thought she would have understood that I needed some time to deal with the situation, after all we weren't in a realtionship...we had a big argument and basically ignored eachother for 3 weeks.
Back at university after the Christmas break, we began to bump into eachother but nothing was said...a female friend advised me to just text her as I had nothing to lose, which I did...she replied immediately and admitted that it bothered her a great deal that we had been ignoring eachother.
Since then we have been growing closer, but there is an issue regarding contact; I hardly ever receive a phone call from her...it's always text message pr e-mail, in my last e-mail to her I aired my view that we won't move forward if we continue this way. She agreed and said we should just call eachother from now onwards.
So, I suggested she text me tonight and I'd call her...nothing from her. I'd call her outright but she is a nurse and works shifts, if she is at work she wouldn't answer.
There's also an issue with her ex...previously she had said that she dumped him 7 months ago, then it changed to 10 months then a year.
She explained further and now it appears he dumped her, she moved to London but he didn't follow after saying he would.
There was some argument they had a few days ago, I have no idea who called who...their relationship was supposed to have been over a year ago, but this has me wondering.
She has been difficult to know and has admitted that she is aloof, she's assured me several times that she has no feelings for him, that she isn't heart broken and that the recent argument was just what she needed to finally move on.
Still, I'm not sure...she tends to blow hot and cold, some days I'll here from her several times...other times maybe nothing for 2 to 3 days.
We've setup a date later this month, but I'm wondering if she is trult over her ex, and if not perhaps it would be best fro me to put some distance between us so as not to get hurt.
There's so much more I could have put here but this message is long enough as is, I'd appreciate some outside opinions on this whole situation.
Comments
Hi Skywalker,
OP here, thank you for your perceptive and very helpful reply.
You are quite right, I hadn't really noticed that I didn't mention any of my previous relationships...my last relationship lasted for 4 years, it only ended as the girl I was with was a student from abroad...at the time she wanted a commitment (marriage/baby) that I wasn't ready for.
We parted amicably.
I actually spoke to her this morning, I had mentioned previously that in order to move forward we must progress from the compulsion she has to use text messaging so much; however the phone conversation was very short as she said she has to meet a friend who is leaving the country.
I probably won't get to see her before Tuesday, so am going to think on what you said and send her an e-mail with my thoughts and feelings, and hope for the best.
How long was she with her ex?
If she was with him for any length of time, then although it may be "over", she might still be coming to terms with the ending of the relationship, part of which could be that she is wary of getting hurt again.
You say you are quite "reserved" and that she is "aloof", so maybe within the forming up of the group social process and structuring on this particular course you have something in common, and perhaps this has contributed to you coming together? Which is not a negative factor, but maybe it’s worth reflecting on whether you would normally have got together in other circumstances? Perhaps it feels a little strange, or unusual?
The communication between you doesn’t sound that good, and not just quantitatively. It sounds as if not all the cards are on the table, and that there could be some “holding back” on both sides. I notice that most of the information you have posted is about her, with little about your romantic history – which is an observation, not a criticism.
There could be simple explanations for most of what you post, e.g. as when your grandfather was ill – you probably felt that you would be very occupied time-wise, and emotionally, and so you expected her to understand the lack of contact. She might have been ok in her head about it at first, but then maybe she started to wonder whether the relationship meant that much to you if you could just “switch her off” at will? Maybe it felt like being dumped again, even though the relationship was barely more than a friendship at that stage. If she was running it past her friends, then it sounds as if it did bother her, and if she got wound up over it, then that could explain the aggressive response. Her apparent reluctance to call you, could be because she expects you to make the running, or /and it could be that she needs you to prove that you are really interested in her.
As a person who is it quite “reserved”, it could be that you feel romantic relationships are “risky”, and perhaps as mentioned above, this relationship is not one you would normally expect to be in, and so maybe you are hearing alarms bells when what you really need to do is to improve the communication so that you can make a more valid judgement about what is going on in this relationship?
If you distance yourself too early in a defensive reaction to these somewhat unexplained issues then she may feel that you are playing ‘cat and mouse’ with her.
When you go out on this date, why not get round to reflecting on the various reactions you have seen in each other so far? Maybe, in the most general of ways, you might mention that it must have been quite an emotional wrench for her if her ex let her down after x number of years? How she responds (non-verbally and verbally) may well give you some insight into how she is feeling currently. I’m not suggesting that you go in with a preconceived plan, rather that you might get around to such issues in a conversational way. The aim being to improve the depth of the communication between you, which might help both of you have a better understanding of what there is between you now, and / or what there could be between you in the future. If you can both stand back and reflect on the time you have spent together so far, then perhaps you can develop a relationship about the relationship?
There is an emotional risk to getting to know her better, but if you withdraw emotionally to protect yourself at this stage, she will probably sense that, and do the same. My guess is that she has already sensed your caution, and so might be puzzled about some of your reactions. If you open up a conversation, she might suprise you with her side of things.
My advice is to open up some of the areas you are concerned about, and see how she responds.
All romantic relationships carry a degree of risk, such is life.
Sky