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Trying to right my wrong but so unhappy

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
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Mon 2, Dec 2013 at 4:45pm
Categories:
Affairs and Jealousy

Hi my marriage became very one sided and I ended up being a single mum whilst married. Friends and family told my husband how things were but his answer was " she's well trained " and " she's alright". I also told him how I was feeling and put lots of effort in to get noticed, even trying new intimate stuff. Nothing seemed to work and I met someone who made me feel loved and appreciated. I ended up having an affair .the person I had an affair with said he hated the way my husband treats me and wanted to give me and my children a better life. He said he loved me. I turned him down, I guess I came to my senses. I told my husband in June straight after I ended the affair. The affair lasted 2 months. The first thing my husband did was have sex and he said afterwards that " he just wanted to see if he could do that again".it felt awful, I had to get the after morning pill, and I cried so much. The next day my husband worked late and I was still crying when he phoned me. He asked if I felt that the sex was like rape and I replied yes. He said would I like him to come home. I said no. He came home anyway and gave me a hug which I didn't want. He said it shouldn't if happened and we should forget that if ever did happen. I've hated sex with my husband since and last did it in August. We have since tried to patch things up but every day I am punished for what I did ( jibed at , put down, under the thumb) my husband doesn't seem to acknowledge the reasons why I had an affair and still treats me the same way. His comments have pushed me so far away I cannot be intimate with him at all. I posted on here about how long should you accept abuse for after admitting an affair and a few weeks back he threatened to kill the person I had an affair with and gave great detail how he would do it and then told me he wouldn't kill me in my sleep. He said this in all in such a cold calculated way I went to the police. I am so scared of him I am on eggshells and I stay because I feel so guilty, am scared to leave, and because of my children, but I am so unhappy. This weekend my husband has said some more hurtful things too many to write here. One minute he wants me to leave and tell my parents what I have done, then he says he doesn't want to live here and will leave, then he wants me to distance myself from my family and cut all ties from them, then he plans future holidays and Christmas as though nothing has been said. In his words "I am not allowed to look after my elderly parents when it gets there because I am not to be a sub slave to anyone and that I don't have the time anyway". Yet again I went to work in tears, it's the only time I cry because my husband likes it when he makes me cry, he said at the weekend I was stubborn and defiant because I show no emotion anymore I don't cry or stick up for myself. No matter how I explain my side and the things I am trying to fix stuff it is not good enough. I am petrified of having sex with him. Someone please help as I feel so trapped and like I am going mad. I can't figure it out anymore and I can't write everything on here. Counselling is refused and family lives people say I have to stick at it as he's hurting. It's been 7 months since I told him. Someone just help me please as I feel I have missed my chance to be happy.

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Comments

  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I have to say I've been through something very similar from your husbands point of view. I found texts and things pointing to my wife having an affair and I too reacted with rage and anger, threatened the other bloke when very drunk and sent very strongly worded text messages telling him how I would hurt him (drunk when I did this). That same night I threatened my wife, but I don't remember doing that. Firstly non of this is right, but I was so angry and wanted to take control over what was happening even though I couldn't which only adds to the anger. The forced sex again, was very wrong but I would guess he wanted to be intimate with you to see if you still had feelings for him and to try and connect with you.

    With the pit downs it's like keeping the control and trying to keep you feeling guilty and not letting go of what's happened, maybe he feels he's getting more attention from you out of this guilt, but there comes a time when a line needs to be drawn. I know how your husband feels. You have betrayed him and he'll be angry it's happened, angry you took that course of action rather than doing everything possible with him to resolve your issues in the first place. I am trying to come to terms with what my wife has done but it's very hard. I'm sure like me your husband has realised how much he wants you and that he is very close to losing you and that he feels very insecure that youve found someone better than him. It's hard to accept as a man.

    When your husband asked if you wanted him to come home, my guess is he was desperate for you to say "yes darling, please come home, I want to be with you" and when you said no, he came home anyway to see why you didn't want him to come home. You have to accept the trust is gone and it's what happens now to rebuild that trust.

    When your husband makes you cry it's not as any sick fetish and I'm sure he doesn't want you to cry but the fact your cry will give him some reassurance that you stil have some emotions attached to everything. I know that sounds cruel and it is, but it seems your husband wouldn't quite believe you if he you told him you loved him so he looks for any other way to feel wanted and reassured.

    If he's like me, he will be feeling very insecure, his masculinity will have been damaged, he feels he's second choice in your eyes and whilst he isn't going about it the right way, maybe he's not ready to out his feelings out there and be vulnerable so instead he's keeping right control over everything he can. I think teh lack of intimacy assuming it's him stopping it rather than you, is because if he makes love to you he's being 'soft' and in some way accepting what you've done.

    It interesting to read your point of view being on that side of the fence and hopefully I've helped a little bit!!!

    Good luck

    Mon 2, Dec 2013 at 7:56pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi that's a good insight and has helped. I think that so much has gone on though that I am not sure if I love him anymore, it is me who can't see us having sex again and I have trouble even hugging my husband. My husband wasn't drunk or anything when he made the threats and it was months after I told him about the affair. I did try to fix things in our marriage but I know now I should of left rather than have an affair. For instance I said I would like more help with the garden, etc especially our tall hedge so my husband bought me a pole hedge trimmer! All I wanted was for him to actually do some of the hedge with me, work as a team. But no. All my husband does is go to work. Doesn't even spent time with our children just shouts at them " to assert his authority" that's his words not mine. My husband admits he has treated me and our children badly and says he knew what he was doing just couldn't stop doing it. Nothing has changed now, I guess me having an affair has given him the ultimate excuse for his share of things. It may sound like I am trying to defend or justify myself, but is your relationship like this too? Is this how marriage is supposed to be with one person doing everything and one just going to work for their contribution? Even single people have to work, it's not something you do just because you are married with children. Sorry for the rant I am just lost as to what to do next.

    Tue 3, Dec 2013 at 6:37am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    It's strange as after reading your post in actually in your shoes as well. My wife has a good job and work a lot and I have become the main carer for our son and after she's been away with work or working long hours both me and my son wait for the wave of attention after not seeing her for days but it never comes.

    And I really understand what you mean about doing jobs around the house. We have lots of jobs to do and as the semi skilled one I know ill do the majority of the work but I can't stand doing things on my own while she does something more interesting. Then she moans that the jobs aren't done. As you say, all you want is to be a team and work together to complete something and try and make a chore more fun. My wife has become very high up at work and now that is a massive part of her life. Even now as we are fighting to save our marriage she's away for most of the week leaving me to sort the house out and spend lots of time on my own after my son is in bed going over things in my head and wondering what this means or that means.

    As I say, I can see it from both sides from what I've read and it's tough. If your husband is anything like me I'm sure he's desperate to be with you and doesn't know how to behave but I suppose there comes a point when you have to make the decision to both give all you can to work through the problems or call it a day. Sometime I wonder if getting to the point where your marriage lies
    In tatters before you both makes you both leave the shitty stuff on the floor and pick up the good stuff to start again with. It seems like your too far down the line maybe for that and you seem to have made your mind up but as a husband I would ask you to see if you can find it within you to give it one last go and seek counselling or just try and clear the air and see if your husband will open up about what his true feeling are. If you can get him to talk then you both need to agree that you can give it 100% and work hard to make the next stage of your lives better than ever and grow stronger from this experience, not take each other for granted etc.

    It may be that it's too late but I just can't bring myself to say "walk away" because I know if someone was talking to my wife I wouldn't want that. You fell in love for a reason, had a child together and were happy for a long time. Sometimes living in the same house and having the same routine can just be so tiring you can't see any option but heading for the door. Like you need a release. A chance to say "what are we doing, is this really how we want to live". It seems like your husband has become secure in the fact that you aren't leaving despite what he does so to control everything is the way he's chosen to live rather than deal with the issues and move on. Again, I wouldn't want to say this as it heartbreaking to do and have it done to you but maybe if you can give it another go you need to bring it to a head and say its make or break time. I can't imagine either of you are happy with how things are and maybe like my wife your husband can lose himself in work and ignore the whole situation.

    Sorry if I've been a bit scattergun in the post, typing on an iPhone and not being able to refer back to your post. All I can say is I fell in love with my wife and despite our ups and downs still live her immensely despite her faults and mistakes. I made vows when we married and I have and want to live by those vows. I know I won't give up until my marriage has breathed its last breath and even then I'd be fighting but it won't matter what I want if we're not doing it as a couple and we can both give our all to it. If there's a part of you that can remember the good times you've shared I hope you can find it in you to try all you can and that your husband changes his stance, holds your hand and you live happily ever after!

    It inevitable that you think about what happens if you split up. I have been there a few time in recent months. All I know is that if i let someone new I would have to become the man I was when I first met my wife and have fun, be romantic and become friends. Then I remember how great life would be if I could do all that with my wife! Bringing back all the fun and excitement of a new relationship but doing it with someone I've shared all of my adult life with and who I have kids with and a home etc.

    Hope this makes sense! Ill re read the post when I get to the PC and make sure I've covered everything!

    Tue 3, Dec 2013 at 9:05am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    Just had chance to re-read the post. Just adding to what I posted earlier, I know how frustrating it is to feel like your partner is more interested in work that making an effort in the marriage. I wish I could make her see that in years to come when we look back at our life I doubt we'll have a scrap book of good week she had a work !! However we may remember the time we had fun going out one afternoon in the week without the kids and forgot about work for a couple of hours or we worked hard all week knowing we had a fantastic weekend planned.

    We are starting counselling tonight which is going to be interesting. I am very open and can talk about what's going on, my wife isn't as comfortable doing this so I worry that she will give up and then we'll feel like we have done everything to try leaving us with only one option. I accept I haven't been the perfect partner and have been a bit of a hypocrite at times but as I stand now, I will do anything to save our marriage, make my wife happy and live happily ever after. But as I said earlier, if either parties heart is not in it, it just will not work. Because the trust has been shattered between us I have to deal with those thoughts and feelings of what has been done as well as putting what feels like my whole life and happiness in her hands. If she realises we can be happy then great we will move on, if not I may be feeling really positive and looking forward to the future whilst she tries to find a way of ending our relationship.

    I could go on all day !!

    Tue 3, Dec 2013 at 12:35pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks for that and good luck with your counselling. My husband refuses counselling. I do work too and looking back on our marriage if had always been the same, I give - he takes. I thought he might grow up knowing we have two children aged three and five but he still is my third child! I have had enough of used underpants left on the dining chairs or down the back of the sofa because he's too lazy to put them in the wash machine. He wanted a dog to complete our family but he never walks it or anything. Never even complemented me on our wedding day. I work too and pay all the bills including child care, he just pays the rent. Just really fed up and not sure if I can wait another six months to see if things change. Life is just pants sometimes! Best of luck with yours and let me know how you get on.

    Tue 3, Dec 2013 at 3:18pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Hope your well. Any improvement?
    Counselling was good, she didn't really love it but I think deep down she realises it's what we need to do. As I've said before it's funny the parallels between us. I have been both like you and your husband and my wife has been the same so I can see it from both sides. I was once like a third child at time but that was also due to us all having to fight for attention. I have assumed the wife part of the family lately and most of it I don't mind but I don't want to be ignored as a partner when we are both at home. Does your husband not even show any glimpse that he wants things to be better? I can't believe anyone would live with someone without apparent love and affection. It would drive me insane not to be able to hold my wife if nothing else.

    I suppose young kids make things very difficult. I was talking to a friend today who moans about his wife being away all the time etc and he says it's all okay but they have a young child and I said I wonder if it's easier to be together and lose the spark and the relationship side of things when a child takes all the attention all day every day and then when the child gets older and more independent they've lost the spark and struggle to get it back or alternatively they just carry on as they were because that's all they've come to know.

    If I had my way I would bring a law in that people had to have counselling for two months before they could divorce or separate permanently. Our counsellor asked why we started talking on the night we met and when you go back to simple times it's nice to wipe all the shit away and remember why you first were attracted to each other.

    I wonder how many kids would have both parents at home and how many people would be happier if they had that shove to try everything before taking what sometimes seems like the easiest option. I'm not saying that would apply to you as you've obviously been through a lot but just a thought

    Fri 6, Dec 2013 at 6:32pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi I'm glad you have been to counselling sounds like you feel quite positive about it all. How are things now? Gas your wife digested all of what was said?
    Things are still the same here my husband says I had the affair and it's all down to be so all I can interpret is that he does think that he has nothing to do with our issues. When I say yes that's true but not everyone is perfect, he gets defensive and spits back at me that I'm a fine one to talk. I think I have come to the point of just letting things carry on as they were, like you say the grass isn't greener and I guess it's better to be unhappily married to save so much upset. After all my husband says I am just being selfish wanting help, when I suggest doing more going outs with our children, rather than go to his parents every weekend and that I can't cope raising our children and doing everything else when I do ask for assistance. He even spat at me this weekend because I apparently brought the wrong sort of toothpaste. I just surrender and do things his way.
    Best of luck with the counselling and hope you get there. Keep in touch be nice to hear of a happy ending

    Mon 9, Dec 2013 at 9:56am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    You can't accept things like that. As I say, I understand how your husband feels and also how you must be feeling, but I don't think just accepting it is the right thing to do. I feel the same about just accepting things and living whatever life I can but that's not ideal for anyone.

    Your husband must still have feelings for you. Why stay around just to make someone else's life more difficult? I know how hard it is. Like I've said before, I would hate someone advising my wife to leave me because I'm angry that she's done what she's done and its frustrating when she isn't rushing around making everything better, but I suppose like you, she needed the attention etc. from someone else as she wasn't getting it at home. From this side of the fence its hard to take a long hard look and accept some responsibility for what's happened, but its hard to accept.

    Your not being selfish wanting help, far from it. You want to sort things out for him, the kids and yourself, that's not selfish. I got angry again at my wife on Saturday when I found out that the other man had still been trying to get in touch but whilst she maybe didn't do anything to encourage him getting in touch, I feel like I'm shouting at him through my wife as I can't get him and tell him to go away. It wasn't fair on her but it raises questions as to whether she has told him to back off !

    What do you really want? You cant be spat at no matter what's happened and not so many months after the initial problem has come out.

    You can't settle for a life of misery. Not good for you, the kids or for your husband. I have a lot of sympathy with the way you feel as well as your husband but I can't understand why after so many months he hasn't wake up one morning and realised how destructive all this is. No matter whats happened and whos to blame, theres a point where the anger subsides and you can evaluate what you want to do to move forward. Living in misery isn't the way though. As much as I love my wife and would give everything to spend the rest of my life with her, if I made her that miserable I wouldn't want to carry on, although saying that there have been days where I've thought im just going to have to put up with everything and hope that she changes her ways at some point and makes an effort for our marriage. She isn't keen on going back for counselling and says I bullied her in to going last week but I asked would she go and she said yes, I showed her the website of the counsellors I was looking at and I told her I'd got in touch with someone so it wasn't a massive surprise when I said we had a session arranged. Plus I really don't know what else we could do! We can't just carry on doing nothing and hope its get better. We need someone to help us communicate better in an environment that we can't argue.

    I really feel for you and understand what your feeling and going through. Its hard to be with someone who seemingly would rather work and give there all to a company than to you. I ask my wife if in a few months time when she looks back at were we are now, will she be happier that she put the hours in and the effort in at work only for it to be expected the next month and the next month or would she be happier if she had put her all in to our marriage and made our lives and the lives of our kids better because she put enough time and effort in to the marriage.

    Its so frustrating, upsetting and hurtful. I'd be interested to hear what you want to do now regardless of everything else.

    Mon 9, Dec 2013 at 11:38am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    This is such a hard situation for you. I just read through this and really feel for you. I wonder if you could go to counselling on your own. It would provide you with support whilst you're trying to sort all this out. And maybe help to see the sort of things that might help. There's Relate (fees charged) or Marriage Care (donations if funds are a bit tight). I hope it works. Just accepting things doesn't feel right for you, and he's now learning that he can abuse you and it's OK. It's NOT all right to spit at anyone - that's abuse.

    Mon 9, Dec 2013 at 1:04pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi hope things are better with you all. I went to my dicyir today and he has diagnosed me with stress and depression. Where to go from here I do not know. I am now scared I will lose my children. Guess I deserve it. Good luck to you all and thank you for your input.

    Tue 10, Dec 2013 at 4:00pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Seems like you very, very down. No matter what you've done you don't deserve what your going through. Firstly, you won't lose your children because your depressed, as long as your not a risk to them or yourself, which I very much doubt you are, you have no worries about losing the children.

    I've been on the receiving end of someone cheating and yes, in some ways you want them to suffer the pain you feel when your the victim, but no one deserves to be abused in any physical or mental way and the spitting was just as low as it gets really.

    I have suffered with depression and still am in some ways and in answer to your question about where you go from here, the answer is up!! As the other poster said, maybe you need to go to counselling and get back in touch with who you are and what you want from life, you can't go on like this and its not fair to put up with anything just because you've made a mistake in life. I know what my wife has done is terrible but I haven't been perfect and maybe had i'd been there for her she wouldn't have strayed so whilst it doesn't excuse it I could have been better and your husband has to realise that or you have to make him realise that or alternatively realise your not the worst person in the world, the children won't be happy seeing there parents in a destructive or loveless relationship and no matter what age you are, there is a life after this and what that life is can be whatever you make it.

    I know how difficult it is to be in a seemingly no win situation, but if you can just focus on the short term and forget about the long term, I find that easier. If you worry about what happen on this occasion in a months time or about anything other than what can you do today to make tomorrow better for you.

    I have found it really good talking on here and getting things off my chest and also by hopefully doing something towards helping you in some way and you've certainly helped me see things from my wife's perspective.

    You WILL get through this and in a few weeks or months you WILL be a stronger person and whilst you won't realise it at the time you will look back at things that have happened and realise you've changed for the better. And that applies to whatever you decide to do.

    I've been there where it feels every possible option is a dead end and that standing still is the only thing to do. What hobbies do you have or have you had? What small things could you do to remember what it was like to be you before all this happened? You have made a mistake, you apologised and you've tried to move on. At some point, and I think that point was about four months ago, you have to realise it was just that, a mistake. If someone is still trying to make you feel like shot because of it or if they want to somehow use that mistake to treat you like a second class citizen then they are wrong.

    You need to rise above it and be strong, and god know I have some cheek to say that when I haven't got there myself but you can do it, just take baby steps. What happened today (besides the trip to the doctors) to make you feel so down?
    Can you do something different tomorrow?
    Can you wear your hair in a different way or wear something you haven't worn for a while.
    Could you treat yourself to something exciting for lunch or could you talk to someone about something other than this?
    I understand the problem isn't going away but if you can put it to one side for a period of time and think about something else you will feel normal again and if that makes the clouds above you part for an hour then great. The next day you can do it again and maybe the clouds will part for a couple of hours.

    From the husbands point of view if your seemingly there ready to be 'punished' in some way i'm sure that will or has become a routine. You need to break the routine and make a change. If your physically scared of your husband then you really do need to do something about it. This man loved you, married you, had children with you and made a life with you, if he has lost all those feelings then get out or put him out and make the break.

    You can't let this situation win. Your kids need you and i'm sure deep down you know your better than this. Please don't go awol from here if your getting anything from these posts.

    It will get easier, when you know what you want from life. If you don't know yet, decide what you want from tomorrow and go from there !!! Chin up !!

    Tue 10, Dec 2013 at 6:00pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    How are you today??

    Wed 11, Dec 2013 at 3:25pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi very tearful. not sure if I can go to work. I just want some time on my own but it is so close to Christmas I don't wish to ruin things for our children. The dizzy spells and constant headaches prompted me to go to the doctors. My work colleagues said I looked horrendous on Friday when I had a spell, I thought I would be a bit anaemic but turns out not so. Last night my husband wanted to be intimate but I just couldn't everything inside me was just screaming for him to go away, I hate myself for it and don't know what's happening to me. As for doing something that I like I have stopped everything to regain some trust in my husband and I feel I can't go out for a dog walk or a jog because he will get the wrong idea. Even when I went to the pharmacy in the evening for our daughter two weeks ago as she was poorly, my husband had googled the best tracking devices for iPhone and gave me grief as to where I was even though I had the medication for our daughter with the receipt, etc and was gone only 10-15 mins.
    I can see my husbands side if thing thanks to you and understand his feelings so much better . When we chatted about his feelings/ anger he said he's fine and has always been angry since he was a teenager and through the army. He says he's in full control of his anger and doesn't need to deal with it.
    How are things with you? Has your wife turned a corner as yet with the counselling? Thanks for being here

    Thu 12, Dec 2013 at 7:13am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Sorry to hear you feel that way, its so tough when children are involved. Again, I understand your husband looking at tracking devices, I've done the same. I have to assume he's something like me and if so it won't be out of purely not trusting you but when you went out he probably had all kinds of thoughts going through his head as to what you might be doing even though deep down he knows your just going to the pharmacy. All the these negative thoughts will be going through his head and to deal with them he will try and get some control over the situation by seeing what practical thing he can do to reassure himself. The other option is to take five minutes, think about the situation and for every negative thought find an alternative thought and find evidence for each though something like:
    Negative thought:
    "she gone out, i'll bet she's texting him or ringing him or just trying to get away from me. I can't take it I need to do something"
    He should then ask himself what evidence he has that that's whats going on. Then think about what a more reasonable thought might be line:
    "Our daughter is ill, we needed some medicine, shes going to the pharmacy"
    The evidence for that thought is - Our daughter is ill, we have no medicine, we need some medicine.
    If, as you did, you go out and return within a normal amount of time with the medicine then he should realise that all those negative thoughts weren't true and that all the anxiety he felt was for nothing. Then as time goes on this should get easier and if its not he should have enough about him to talk to you and say - The other day when you went shopping, I was worried about ....a, b, c ....... and I felt on edge.
    Then you can reassure him and explain what you did and hopefully the trust builds from there.

    All that said, if you can't stand being intimate with him all that becomes irrelevant at the moment. Why do you think you feel that way? Are you angry with the way he's treating you and don't have those feelings for him anymore? Do you feel scared around him because of what happened a few months ago? Do you think the depression has subsided your desire for intimacy? I'm not an expert so just throwing things out there.

    Now you mention your husband was in the army, I can imagine his need to control and be the dominant alpha male is ten times that of me (non army!) and the fact that the affair will have dented his masculinity especially when he's been engulfed in a culture like the army where any sign of weakness is jumped on by colleagues. I can imagine the thought of telling lads from the army that his wife had an affair would be more embarrassing than standing in your local town naked singing Christmas carols all day. THAT DOES NOT MAKE HIS REACTION RIGHT OR EXCUSABLE !!!!

    I'm beginning to think that because he is ex army etc and as he has carried on this treatment of you for so long that he still hasn't dealt with what's happened and that is just not healthy. Yes its tough to face up to things, but if he wants any life with you, assuming its not too late, he needs to face up to what's happened, accept it and then put all the angry, negative energy in to making things right. Again, maybe a moot point if all his actions have pushed you so far away you don't see a future anymore.

    I'm really glad I have been of some help in understanding what may be going on in your husbands head, and it has helped my deal with my own thoughts. However because I understand it doesn't mean that I think what's happened is right or the things I do are correct. It just may help when you can understand maybe he's not just being cruel for the sake of it, its just what's going on inside him is coming out as anger and cruelty.

    I know why you've stopped doing things to try and regain your husbands trust, from this side of things that's what a husband wants BUT long term its just not healthy. That's probably why your stuck in a time warp with nothing moving forward. Even though I did not do something wrong in my marriage (well, not the major thing) I found myself not going out either so that my wife knew I was there. Maybe that was because I thought if I go out she'll just be in contact with the other bloke! But that has made me feel more insecure as I am constantly inside my head thinking about things and worrying whats next and speaking on here has been my only release, so thank you for sharing and being here too.

    What do you think you want from life and do you think the husband you had when things were good can give you those things??
    During our first counselling session the woman asked how we'd met and something so small like that, just for a few minutes, took us back to the night we met and why we spoke to each other etc. It was nice to go back to simpler times before 'life' got in the way!!

    As for me, things are no better no worse really. they feel worse because my wife has been away with work all week and she doesn't keep in touch as much as I'd like, but as its always been the case, I'm getting more used to it. Months ago I wouldn't sleep and I would be trying to contact her and worrying and getting angry. Now I just go to bed, sleep, get up and I'm not surprised when there isn't a text on my phone or anything. Because she's away we had to miss counselling but from now on if she doesn't come i'll go alone. I want to do all I can to make this work and if it doesn't I know I can look back and say "I did all I could" and hopefully that will help with the healing process. I do go in counselling alone which I find very useful. I am no good dealing with things in my head. I like to talk things through in order to make sense of them, probably why I like posting here !

    My wife is the opposite, she like to bottle everything up and ignore it so I'm left trying to get her to open up and she fights me off (not literally) and then runs a mile away to stop me from talking. Problem is, this then makes me more frustrated and angry but I'm dealing with that now. However, I know my wife is just as insecure as me so when I sit at home thinking there no point texting her because when she doesn't respond i'll feel shit, I know shes sat there wondering why I haven't text and thinking I mustn't want her anymore!!!!

    Why are things so hard !!! Keep talking though, to your husband to me on here, it really helps me to deal with my things and to hopefully feel like I'm helping you in whatever way I can.

    I don't know if its something that would help you but I signed up to audible and downloaded some hypnosis audio books. Some or 3 hours long and some are just 30 minutes long and they really help me relax when I'm feeling down. Sometimes I need to take my mind off things or I just go insane ! That's why my wife and I haven't got over our problems as I always want to talk and discuss things so I can make sense of everything, however my wife doesn't like to talk about things so we always tend to do what she wants. I hope the counselling, assuming she goes again, helps us find a common ground to move forward.

    Have a good day, let me know how you are if you get a minute.

    Thu 12, Dec 2013 at 8:55am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    How are things with you? I've been trying to be positive with my wife but I've losing the battle! She was away all week, came home Friday evening and had arranged to go straight out with her friend and then stayed out a all night apparently on her friends sofa. Before she went out shed tried to cuddle up on the couch with me and whilst I didn't stop her I didn't make it easy for her and now were back to her saying she doesn't know if she wants me etc.

    I have started to try and see life after my marriage but as I don't want to really I find it hard to but we've been here so many time it's beyond a joke. I keep spending my days trying to think for her and understand whys she's doing what she's doing. Like going out after trying to cuddle up, maybe she didn't.come home because she was seeking my attention but she's a big girl she should know if she wants attention she should just come and talk to me. Then I start thinking she's doing it just to push me away and after everything she's done i should really take the hint. I'm not leaving the house. She's away so much someone has to be for our son but it's hard to live in the same house and not have that relationship. I'm a very loving man and I'm very tactile so it's hard to stop that. I keep hoping she'll come to her senses but I'm losing faith in that. I suppose I've made it easier for her to keep me on a leash as no matter what she's done and the hurt she's caused I've always said I still want her. I maybe need to move on, find a way of coping, sort the thing I can control in my life and make sure my son is happy.

    Hope your okay, hope to hear from you soon

    Sun 15, Dec 2013 at 10:15am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how are you today? Sounds like you have had a pretty awful time. First thing is not to blame yourself or let your confidence be knocked - ironic I know. I would say to take your wife out to a familiar place somewhere where you first met or something just to see if anything is rekindled. The only other thing is to ask her straight what she wants out of life I am sure you have already done so. If she replies that she does want you then say why do you not spend time at home, etc. tell her to be honest and that if she can't say it write it down. May seem a bit in adult like but writing can sometimes be less confrontational.

    Things here are bad. Told my hubby about my depression and he said I was making it up and have nothing to be sad about. I am to snap out of it and he wants to be intimate as it's been too long now. He doesn't seem to understand that there is a barrier in my way. I'm now thinking that maybe he doesn't actually love me either we just can't admit it to ourselves. So much to think about.

    Here if you need to chat. Thanks for being there

    Mon 16, Dec 2013 at 4:03pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    I know all about the depression! I think people feel like you have to be ready to jump of a building in order to be classed as depressed. I think its just were the balance goes and you see to be going up hill more than anything else. Doesn't sound like your getting the support you need either which is a real shame. I wish I could shake your husband for you and tell him to look what's actually happening. I have been like that, thinking that I need sex to be happy and feel loved but when you still get sex but not much else you realise how unimportant it is. I want nothing more than to cuddle up on the couch, watch a film and give my wife a loving kiss goodnight. How are you coping at work and with the kids? Are you managing as well as can be expected?

    Things have just got worse and worse here to be honest. She is giving out very mixed signals really. One minute I don't make her happy the next, she's saying why don't we see how it goes for Christmas, then she says I'm never there for her and she doesn't think she wants me then says lets see if we can get the spark back. How can we get the spark back when we are separating!

    It hard to think what Christmas will be like or what things will be like in the future when we have to have separate holidays and share time with the kids. All I keep thinking is that she must either be very confident that I will be here regardless of all the shit, she has feelings for the other guy and cant stop thinking about the grass being greener or she is to cowardly to end things so she's making life so difficult I end things instead. And to top it all off, she's away all week after tonight and she's on a works do with him on Thursday before flying back to Manchester from London with him on Friday.

    I started to write a letter to her but don't know whether to give it to her or just get my thoughts down on paper. Its so hard when she's saying she's not done anything but send flirty texts to this bloke yet all the evidence points to a lot more. There isn't one thing that I've seen that could be classed as innocent or just a flirty text. So that leaves me in limbo and its horrible. If she continues to says its just texts and then decides she wants me, our life will be built on a lie, plus if she actually said what I think she's done and I get to see her for what she really is, maybe I won't want her anymore and make this whole process easier for me.

    I'm glad you've managed to get online. Its been the only release I've had in the last week or so talking to you, so thank you. People keep saying it gets easier but I'm not particularly patient so no doubt that time will seem a lifetime away. In the mean time I have no idea what to do. We sleep in the same bed (when she's here) but yet we aren't together! Very strange and very hard. Part of me thinks I should just relax, be myself and enjoy myself where I can but then its so hard when I want to be with someone I can hold and who is there for me. I went to Manchester yesterday to get some space and it was strange to be surrounded by hundreds of people yet feel alone.

    Keep in touch, your keeping me going !!

    Mon 16, Dec 2013 at 4:28pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi it sounds to me that you need to make that decision. I can't make it for you but you can't be unhappy or just a safety net for your wife. From my side of the fence I would not text or anything if I wanted my marriage to work and as you know I have stopped doing stuff to regain the trust but it sounds like you wife hasn't. How is your wife with your seven year old? Are you still a family unit although not a marriage unit if you get my meaning.
    Had another chat with my hubby last night poured my heart out over my depression and reasons for the affair. He said am I likely to love him or chuck him out when I am better. I said all I wang to do is get better I can't make decisions like that now. He said he needs to know so I backed down and guess I lied to keep him happy. In a way I feel like he doesn't love me at all. Of he did he would say he would be there no matter what. Instead it's like he's only going to stick around if there is something in it for him. He likened it all to footprints in the sand. He said we both need to be carried but who's going to put their feet down. I said I am too drained to carry anyone anymore I've fond it all for far too long, it's not that I don't care I just have nothing left to give. He laughed in my face and said that for gods sake he has more problems than me and then paused. He then said in a very put out manner that he would have to put his feet down because no one else will. He got he right hump like x child that was told no to sweets and turned his back on me, It's like he's doing what he knows best looking out for number one. He also said do I really want to play pawns with our children if we separate, do I really believe I am better off on my own because I will need support for the depression. When he said that I thought I will need support but from those who love me, like my parents and some friends. I really don't want him. Then he made me promise never to take his family away, I said thats emotional blackmail. He said I was avoiding the question and that I am thinking if leaving. He then verbally forced me to promise because he got very angry at me and I felt pressured into saying it. So now I am stuck forever in this horrible marriage just to keep him happy.

    Tue 17, Dec 2013 at 6:57am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Sounds like a rough night. It seems like your husband is scared and that somehow getting these words out of you gives him some reassurance. I (unfortunately) can see myself in your husband and sadly I can understand why he's doing what he's doing, I just hope for your sake his heart is in the right place as mine is. It's a power struggle. You took the power by having the affair and then when you realised it wasn't who you wanted to be you stopped it and have the power back to him and cut yourself off from certain things in order to gain his trust. Now he has kept all the power and is making sure everything you do to try and regain some power and control he squashes at the first chance. My wife has all the power now and she doesn't want to give it up as she doesn't want to be vulnerable. I think emotional blackmail is too strong a term. If the loving connection isn't there then getting someone to say something we want to hear is all we have to reassure ourselves. I've been on both sides and it's not healthy either way.

    I went to see my couples counsellor alone last night as my wife wouldn't come. Says it all really. And the counsellor pointed out the power struggle that has taken place over the years. Your absolutely right about me being a safety net. I'm so afraid of life after this, sharing kids, who lives where, seeing her with other people that I forget how unhappy I am with everything she's done and that there is someone out there who will want the type of loving committed relationship I want and I can offer and who will be there for me as I will be there for them.

    As I've said before if your scared of him hurting you physically then that's a massive issue and I don't really have the answer apart from familiarising yourself with the local helplines and support centres near you and seek advice from them. Hopefully you have a good set of family and friends around you and I would submerge myself in that group and draw strength from them. You seem to be doing all you can for your marriage even though it seems your resigns to it being the end. Your still talking to him, still giving him a chance and you should feel ten feet tall about that. Your incredibly brave and strong to find the will to even speak to him at all let alone try and sort things out while you are depressed and still working and being a mum.

    In whatever way you can you need to get some of the power and control back and maybe both of us need to rove the safety net for our partners. You, like me, are doing all the talking, all the legwork etc and all we're doing is giving them a tighter grip on the control and we are saying no matter what were here. We will see what my wife is made of this week. I played happy families last night, let her go to bed alone and came up a couple of hours later and didn't respond to any of the things she tried to get some attention before she's left and we won't see each other until Saturday. I've decided, even though it's really hard, to go out on Friday and because of all the anger I feel and upset I've gone through in going to stay out so I don't react in the wrong way when I come home. But even now I'm thinking she won't care I'm not here and she'll be texting that bloke after she's spent time with him this week but of she does then she does, that's not the type of woman I want to be married to. At least I get time alone with my son this week. Just need to stay positive so he doesn't worry as much as he does.

    I know you regret what you've done but there's only so long you can keep taking the blame for it. My wife still won't admit how far things have gone and always plays down what she will admit so we're does on that front. At least you've been honest and faced up to things. If my wife had done that I'd be able to start trusting her as she's told the truth! Problem for the both of us now is we have done all we can really in terms of getting our partners to see sense and work with us to make things right and neither seem to be on board with it. Maybe it's time to look at ourselves and so the things we can do to make ourselves happier than we are now. Have yourself any steps to see a counsellor alone? It can be very helpful of you find the right one. And if you do decide to see someone see a few people and see who you like. At the end of the day you have to connect with that person and feel like they understand you and not just your problems. A lot of them will sit there and just ask how something makes you feel when really you need to be challenged by someone to get to the root of some issues.

    Well, another day beckons. Suppose Ill have to get up and get some work done!! Have a good day and let me know how you are.

    Tue 17, Dec 2013 at 7:46am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi I'm glad you have managed to sort a few bits out in your head and thinking what is better for you. Just stay strong for your son and yourself. Good you see a counsellor must be helpful.
    I challenged my husband on what he said last night and he said I was being nasty. I just replied I was being honest. He said what he wanted to say came out wrong and realises that he should if been concentrating on us (me and the children) rather than sorting out his extended family issues and work. In a way I feel relieved but I also feel that the gate has shut after the horse has bolted. My husband now says he is changing his work to be at home more, god the way my heart sank was awful it felt so physical. I explained I liked my evenings alone because I can be "myself", put on my music, watch something other than reruns of top gear in TV or just read a book. He said in a very defensive manner that he would try not to ruin my evenings. Yes I guess it was hurtful to hear but that's me being honest. It's how our relationship has become. I feel like he doesn't let me stretch my wings and fly, he just keeps me cooped up. Still not sure whether to stay or go. I stay because I feel sorry for him as he has woken up a little to the bigger picture, but I'm still not happy. Do you think it's the depression clouding me even more?

    Tue 17, Dec 2013 at 6:15pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    Sounds like you've had a breakthrough of sorts, but as you say maybe its too little too late, but I hope he can show you things can be different and changes your mind (if theres a part of you that still wants it). Its seems very similar to my situation in that theres a power struggle. He has had the power for the last few months and seemingly did not want to give it up, Now he seems to have softened slightly, but only you know if that's enough. One things you can't do is accept second best from now on. You've been through a lot of hurt and upset, so has he. If theres going to be a future, it needs to be on equal terms and you need to put your cards on the table about what each of you will and wont accept going forward.

    In some ways it seems like you have some control and saying you don't want him to take your evenings up is you clinging on to something you control and feeling if you give that up you'll have lost something. Its finding the compromise. Mayeb you do want evenings alone sometimes but maybe a planned evening doing something you both like can be great too. He needs to understand your not saying things to be hurtful, your being honest and if its not what he wants to hear then you need to see if that's something you can move past. It doesn't work if one person has all the power all the time but it is scary to consider throwing everything in to the pot and sorting everything out.

    Obviously only you will know if you really want that though. I'm in the same boat now. I know I would take my wife back fully in a heart beat but then when I think of everything she's put me through and how incredibly selfish she has been part of me thinks does she deserve me? You did what you did, realised it was wrong and admitted it to your husband. That was incredibly brave and a very kind thing to do in some ways. Yes it was wrong to stray but admitting it was the first step to making things right. Your husband hasn't taken up his part of the deal as yet and maybe he has pushed you too far now but only you know that.

    I think the depression will cloud your judgement slightly. I think the depression is that inability to see anything positive because your buried under all the negative stuff. But knowing your depressed will at least allow you to factor that in when thinking about things. Don't put it all down to the depression, just find time to relax and find yourself and think about things as clearly as possible.

    Its not unusual to not feel happy now. You have been supressed for months now and constantly reminded of a mistake you made. He has exerted all his control over you to make himself feel secure. I suppose the other thing to remember is your husband has only said what he is going to do. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding. It will take some effort on your part if you are going to give him a chance. One person can't do all the running or, like me they end up exhausted.

    Assuming you do find it within you to try, make sure the pressure is off as much as possible. Don't try or let him try to do some grand gesture or some big night out that could all go wrong if your both on edge. Start small. Putting the kids to bed and watching a film. No plans for sex or anything, just sitting side by side watching a film and nothing else. Sometimes the talking has to stop and you have to allow yourself to feel. It may take you back to a time when you used to di this and you'll find yourself cuddling up. You may not feel a thing, but again, I think that would be natural with everything that's gone on. that's not a definite sign things wont work, just a sign of the un-ease of the situation.

    I suppose most of what I've said is irrelevant if you just don't feel that way about him anymore. Take the time to put all the practical things, house, money etc and focus on what you want from life. Does the man you fell in love with fit that life? Not the man he is now, the man he was. Can you work together to become the people you were when you met and to focus on all the positive things you've shared together?

    All the while, not forgetting you strayed because something wasn't right in your life. You need to deal with the things that have happened in recent months as a result of that, then you need to go back to the beginning of the year and work those issues out. Its not going to be easy I wouldn't imagine but can you find it in you to give it one last shot? If he doesn't do what he says he will do and you do feel your being trapped again, apart from a few weeks or months, what will you have lost if you end things then?

    I don't want to feel I'm talking you in to anything, after all if your all loved up again who will I talk to ??? Only joking. You just need to make sure you get what you need out of the deal otherwise you'll end up back where you are now and if he wont give you what you need then you know and you can move on knowing it would not have worked out.

    Keep smiling, keep in touch and be happy !!

    Tue 17, Dec 2013 at 8:06pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi thanks for that, your last sentence sums it up really. You are very good at interpreting what I write. I am still in two minds really, a big part if me does say it's all too late. The thought if sitting in a sofa with him for cuddles - no. When he is away I feel relaxed the pains in my shoulders ease. When he is home they are there - sometimes worse. I had already set a time scale in my head. Maybe I should stick to that just for the children really. In my heart of hearts I know things will go back as they were- depression subsided or not. I guess the Christmas thing sticks in my head too. There's having a second chance, yes we both deserve one if those but the energy on my part has diminished. Like you say put talk into action, goodness knows how many times he has already failed to do this. We shall see.
    How you feeling tonight? Any clearer on your mind. You write very logically and thoughtfully, whereas I just rant!! I use the diary entry bit on here just to note what's improved and what hasn't. Always here, thank you again for your input means a lot.

    Tue 17, Dec 2013 at 8:56pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    I'm glad I make sense when I write. It feels like I'm babbling on. Seems like your clear on not wanting it, I suppose now you have to decide whether to tell him sooner rather than later. From his point of view it will be frustrating and upsetting to be making an effort (if he does) and not to have you doing your fair share. Maybe it would be best to at least tell him you want to have some space if you don't want to give him the bad news. It sounds bad when your having physical pains when he's there. I've had palpitations recently when thinking about things so I know how you feel.

    As for Christmas it is a tough time but although it's very hard. Try being happy. I came home from my session last night and felt a bit better so I had some fun with my son and laughed at the crap I watch on TV and whilst the problems where still there and weren't going away it felt a damn site better being happy rather than being down. It's hard to do but lifts the gloom for a while. Put pharrell Williams song happy on. That's a great song for lifting your mood!!! You can even dance around if your up to it!!

    I out some distance between my wife and I last night. And didn't make the effort to give her attention before she left to go away for the rest of the week and I was happy to leave her alone but she text today to say have a good day and she's just rang but as I didn't bother making small talk she then gets a but nasty and went. I don't want to play games but I want to stop trying to set things out all the time as it's not done me any good for eight months now!! I feel I'll be in your position soon though. I think of all the things that have happened this year. I have spent hours researching places to go for weekends away only for the weekend to be ruined by her getting very drunk or texting him or emailing work in the middle of our meal. I've been lied to a lot and found conclusive evidence and she's still tried to deny it. I wish this forum wasn't so public or I'd explain things fully and get a woman's point of view.

    It's sad when things get to this stage. So many things have happened that prevent us from seeing a future and really what we want from life and probably what our partners want is simple. Someone to love and who will love us, someone to share experiences with, someone to laugh with, someone to cry with and someone to hold, kiss etc etc.

    Rubbish parts of life get in the way. Work etc. I suppose everyone has a choice whether they let work rule their life or vice Versa. I know I have worked hard and I know I prefer my family time so I've found a balance and I won't let that change. It's just crap that I haven't got anyone to share the fun things in life and they opted for work over me. I'm not perfect, far from it, but my hearts in the right place and if someone gives me a little in the right way they get it back ten times over!!

    In didn't realise there was a diary thing in here! I'll have to see what that is. I just ramble on to you each day!! Have you worked out how you will get things sorted for you to separate or are you not ready to deal with that just yet?

    Just one last thing about the depression. Don't let your husband use that against you. Yes, it will impair your judgement slightly but don't let anyone tell you you've only made this or that decision because of it, you'll end up questioning yourself and you don't need to. Do everything calmly and don't get involved in shouting arguments as this just doesn't help.

    Download that song, at it load and dance!! It's off despicable me 2, I listened to in walking around Manchester in Sunday and had to stop myself from dancing down the street!

    Speak soon

    Tue 17, Dec 2013 at 9:44pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how you getting on, all ready for you Friday night out? I'm sorry things aren't working as well your end either, you have to see the wood from the trees sometimes and do what is best for you, you are allowed a happy life too.
    Thanks for the song will I tunes it. I find myself listening to Gabrielle " ten years time" and that sort of helps. How is the counselling going any of it making sense?
    Have not fully looked in to the leaving side but have friends who will give us a roof over our heads if necessary. Definitely have grounds for divorce ( my side and his, I have no forgotten my wrong doing!) and the fees/ time scale for things depends on the compliance of the other party.
    Ramble to me as much as you like - have a good day and speak soon

    Thu 19, Dec 2013 at 6:54am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Yes; I'm all set for my night out thanks. Need to try and get in to the Christmas spirit!

    The counselling helps because I'm a talker! I like to talk things through to make sense of everything. I've removed the safety net so to speak this week and she has been in touch sometimes and then I haven't heard from her since yesterday morning. She's at her works do tonight with the other man so I don't expect I'll hear much tonight unless she does her usual trick of causing and argument so she feels justified in what's she'll do tonight at the office party!!

    I don't expect things will get better really. She's very stubborn and won't admit to herself what she's done so she won't admit it to me. I think about life without her and it kills me but then I think of a life with a woman who for eight months has done what she's done and sabotaged our marriage, drank her body weight in wine each weekend and stayed up late texting him and I think she doesn't deserve me. I'm far from perfect but I'm loving and affectionate and fun to be with when I know the other person is doing there fair share. I think back to all the weekends away I've spent hours planning only for her to spoil.

    Sounds like your getting serious about the end of things. Do you need to divorce right away? I must admit I spoke to a solicitor to get some information but I'm not sure ill to down that route as I think the cost and hassle of it all just adds to the already difficult time it will be and unless you plan to marry again in the next two years I'm not sure it's something that needs sorting now. Personally for me I would worry the whole process would take up time and emotional space rather than just being allowed to deal with what's going on. I think people get caught up with the divorce and then when it's all done and complete only then do they start to deal with the break up fully. For me if it's the end, it's the end. Whether you wear a wedding ring etc is irrelevant, you know your separated and that, I imagine, is going to take enough time to deal with rather than arguing via solicitors etc. If it's the end then in suppose you'll have to sit down with him and discuss how you go on in the short term and agree what's best for you. Are you perhaps thinking of divorce as you want something official to say its over and done? Just a thought.

    All set for a busy day today. Work this morning, funeral at noon and counselling at 2pm. It's all go here.

    How are you today and how are you coping? Have you looked in to seeing a counsellor or anything yet?

    Have a great day

    Thu 19, Dec 2013 at 8:03am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi just to say have a good night tonight, speak soon

    Fri 20, Dec 2013 at 7:47am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    Thanks. Hope your okay, or as okay as you can be in the circumstances. Have a good day in whatever your doing and try and be positive.

    As expected, I've removed the safety net and all of a sudden she wants to keep in touch again, although I don't if last night she kept in touch to find a reason to argue with me so she felt less guilty that she was at a works do with him and maybe to lessen the guilt of what she may have done! Didn't sleep to well but to be honest it wasn't the gut wrenching night it has been in the past. I was more thinking of the work I have to get done and whether to attempt to cook a Christmas dinner next week!

    What have you got planned for Christmas?

    Have a good day, drop me a line if you get chance.

    Fri 20, Dec 2013 at 8:14am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hello,

    Managed to enjoy the night out and let my hair down! Managed not to send any texts whilst under the influence. Feel a bit lost today. Last night was something I was looking forward too and now that's past I'm not sure what else to look forward too really. Suppose I just have to carry on moving on.

    How are you today? Are you keeping your distance from things and are you managing?

    Speak soon

    Sat 21, Dec 2013 at 12:19pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi glad to hear you had a good day out. Christmas Day and you little one openin the presents is the next thing to look forward to. I can understand it is hard and you must feel like you are doing an injustice to your wife but if she wants and loves you she will be there fully committed to you. Keep strong. It's prop ably the wake up call she needs.
    Trying to hang in here too but just feel empty all the time.
    Have a good Christmas. Speak soon

    Mon 23, Dec 2013 at 10:21am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Wish we could find the cure for us both !! I sense from the post that you are down. I was getting worried when you hadn't replied for a few days, hope everything is okay (as okay as can be expected). Had a chat with my wife yesterday and we discussed how we both felt and we went out with some friends last night and it was a nice change from hardly speaking for weeks. Problem is I in some way have got what I want with being able to hold her and be close to her but everytime I get that I get a nagging feeling that its just a front on her part and that its only a temporary fix. She plays the texting down so much and wont accept how it all looks from my side of things. She seems so flippant saying it was just a few drunken flirty texts and that its stopped, but I've heard that before !

    Don't know whether to cling to what I can to get through Christmas or accept it looks bleak at best and think if I can get through Christmas with all this pain and upset I can get through everything else.

    Hope your okay, enjoy your Christmas with the kids and be kind to yourself. ALl the best, speak soon

    Mon 23, Dec 2013 at 10:34am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi
    Thanks for that, wish I had an answer too. I can see how you feel it is all a front and from your wife's point of view she wanted to play happy couples in front of your friends due to the embarrassment of the affair, assuming that your friends do not know what is going on. Have you suggested a new phone for your wife? I changed mine for my husband as a reassurance when I first told him everything. If the affectin direst continue outside friends,shopping, etc then it is like a front if you will. Have you asked for her commitment? I know it is difficult to ask but the uncertainty of where you stand seems to be hurting you more. How is the counselling going?
    As for me I have some tablets from the doctor now. My husband is having a hard time with it all and always says to me " what about him". He constantly asks question upon question when I say I don't want to stuff, even shopping, and tells me to stop being miserable and that I've just convinced myself into this. Just had enough of it all, no point in living just existing is better. Feels like I'm being interrogated by an army sergeant all the time and I feel myself going down more than up. Got to try my best for my children all they do is hug me all day like they know mummy isn't right.
    Have a good Christmas Day and smile/ laugh at least once
    Best wishes talk soon

    Tue 24, Dec 2013 at 8:44am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Thanks for getting in touch. Really sorry to hear the way your feeling. Its a very sad and hard situation and the only comfort I can give you really is to say I'm here if you ever need a chat and I know exactly how you feel. The pills from the doctor will help in time and you'll only really notice the difference they make when you stop taking them for a week. You need to know its not enough to just exist. Life is for living as they say. Maybe, like me, you just have to get through Christmas and new year as best as you can and then take stock in the January and decide a way forward. Have you thought about what you actually want going forward?

    I'm going to do my usual trick of giving advice I don't follow myself, but try and lose yourself in things with the kids. Christmas is a great time with young kids and with all the Christmas films on the TV and all the new toys etc, just have fun with them if at all possible.

    My wife has been okay the last couple of days but I do suspect its just to get us through Christmas and then it will be all over. Part of me is almost happy to go along with the first part in the hope she'll realise something is still there between us, but then I think of all she's done and how she's changed and I thing about whether life would ever be the same again. The problem is I don't want to be alone. I love being in a relationship, being there for someone and someone being there for me. I have a lot of love and affection to give and maybe I expect too much of the same back. I feel my wife has feelings for the other man and because she plays everything down as just a few mistakes I can't get the full truth out of her. I almost think she would rather end things with me and upset our wholes lives and our childrens lives just so she never has to face up to exactly what shes done.

    Its easy for her to focus on the negative things in our relationship as its been a bad year but also because she has a secure job, obvious male attention of someone telling her she's beautiful, she's amazing and how he would never hurt her and she assumes she'll end up with the house and the kids etc and everything will be rosy for her.

    As for the phone, I don't think it would make a difference, she has a work phone and she deals with him in work so it wouldn't be difficult for her to send him a new number. She tells me its all over and she dislikes him for whats happened but I don't believe her as yet. She was with him at a works do again last Thursday and they would have stayed in the same hotel and they flew back to Manchester together but apparently not sat together and he didn't give her a lift home but she went quiet when I asked if she had a taxi receipt so she could claim the money back from work for the fare.

    Looks like we both need to work on insecurities and look at a positive way forward. I don't want to lose my wife at all, but then when I think about all shes done and said and how it would appear nothing will change from her point of view, what kind of life is that. I know I'm worth more and I know there's someone out there who would appreciate me and who would love how attentive I am. unfortunately it would appear that's not enough for my wife and she acts like as the high flying executive shes outgrown me and as shes a few years older, shes entered a new part of her life which doesn't really focus on home life much anymore.

    I honestly don't know what I'd do if the end comes. I don't want to leave my home and my son but part of me things if I go maybe she'll realise she misses me, but then again once I've gone its difficult to come back. Its not going to be easy whatever happens. I know I have to stay here though and deal with the gut wrenching pain of living with someone who doesn't feel the same for me as I do for them even though they've made the mistakes I'm still chasing her! I keep hoping i'll get to the point where enough is enough but it seems a long way away at the moment.

    As for your husband, I see a lot of similarities (unfortunately) between me and him, although I'd like to think I'd have done things a lot differently! He obviously doesn't understand what your going through with the depression so his reaction is to tell you to snap out of it as to sit down with you and hear what you have to say would be hard for him and make him have to empathise and be vulnerable with you. That would make him susceptible to losing some of his control and he's not ready to do that. I would say I wish he'd throw his arms around you and tell you how special you are and that he's there for you, but from what you say, you wouldn't want that anyway.

    You have to accept your going through a bad time and try and find positive things to take out of each day. I wish I could do more, god knows I know what its like to feel all alone. I speak to friends but as they haven't gone through it, I don't really value their opinion.

    Counselling is a help but its only 1 hour each week, I feel like I could talk for days. Have you looked in to any counselling yet?

    Hope you have a good day and a great Christmas if I don't speak to you before. I'm here anytime and enjoy chatting with you.

    Take care

    Tue 24, Dec 2013 at 12:14pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I hope your day is a million times better than mine. Thought I could be okay being with the kids during the morning but sitting with my wife and there being no affection between us was the most difficult thing ever. Wife and kids went up to the in laws at 11am and I've been sat here on my own since then and looks like it will be for most of the night as well. I just don't think she can accept that she is the cause of this whole mess so she doesn't seem to be able to deal with that in order to make thing right. Even after apparently telling this bloke to back off he emailed yesterday evening and again today!! Christmas Day and he's emailing my wife. I desperately want her to come home and make things right but then I've wanted that all year more or less and it's not happened yet. I have been so upset this morning it's been quite pathetic really. I've reminded her I will not be leaving the house but it looks like ill have to get used to playing second fiddle to another man even though she protests her innocence but she's lied that much I think she's forgotten the truth.

    She is very stubborn so she can sit and laugh and smile around the kids and pretend she hasn't done anything wrong where as I just can't. I don't know why really. I'm sat in my home with my kids yet it kills me when she's sat there making no effort to make this right. I suppose i should finally wake up to the fact that she doesn't want me anymore. Last night alone I saw that he'd emailed her and that she's signed up to a divorce website! What a great way to start Christmas. I can't get a straight answer out of her. I say 'you don't want me' and she says 'I didn't say that'. I need to find my dignity and my self respect and let her be. I keep thinking ill turn the corner but every day I feel like this. I couldn't bare the thought of not seeing my kids on Christmas morning or putting them to bed on Christmas Eve. At least the day is nearly over!!

    Anyway, hope your okay and enjoying the time off with the kids. Wish I could talk properly!

    Speak soon

    Wed 25, Dec 2013 at 3:56pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I hope your doing okay. I thought yesterday was the hardest and longest day of my life but I think thy was just a warm up!! Wife and kids went to her mums for Christmas dinner saying they'd be back to spend the evening with me. They came home at 11pm, wife drunk as expected. I'd gone to bed about 10.30pm. I fell over her small suitcase she uses when staying away with work and found the key card cover from the hotel she's stayed in on Thursday night, problem was it was in his name!! She came in last night and stayed up with her work phone then came to bed and it soon began to ring and it was him! You would not believe the cheek of it all. Not even on Christmas Day could she leave it alone.

    At least I know for sure know about the full affair. I still don't want to believe it but I can't keep kidding myself any longer. She tried to lie her way out of it as usual before falling asleep after drinking all day. Couldn't help but look on her personal phone and some of the things she's text her friends and family are quite funny. She went mad one day because I'd ignored her all day yet text her friend saying 'he's not speaking to me today - bonus!!'. She also thought that little of me that instead of telling her mum back in November we wouldn't be having Christmas dinner at our house she left it until just last week because she thought she could talk me round or she could convince me to go to my parents for the day!! She's unbelievable. She's certainly not the woman i married. She bragged about that to another friend!! Saying that i say she's changed and her friend says she better the way she is now. Maybe I'm biased but her friend who's a real bitch would say that as now my wife acts as tramontana she does. Her family are under the impression that I cancelled my Christmas and stayed on my own because of something else, not the fact I could be bothered putting a brave face on for her family after all she's done this year. It's laughable.

    Anyway, looks like that chapter of my life is coming to a painful end.

    Hope your well

    Thu 26, Dec 2013 at 6:56am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi first things first sending you a big hug. You sound so hurt, angry and let down not only by your wife but by friends and family. Not nice at all and especially involving your children, they need their dad no matter what day of the year. Are you taking them out by yourself today?
    I cannot believd what you have had to endure over the past two days. I am gob smacked and really don not know what to say, goodness knows how you are? Keep writing and keep letting it all out. You do deserve someone better and I know it hurts to think about it, but you are worth more than having your feelings trampled in such a manner. Maybe you feel about telling everyone your side, your story. Would that help after all there are two sides to each situation or maybe just tell her to leave. I know it's harsh and you worry about seeing your children but it cannot be healthy for them to see their dad in such a state. You have set a good example of trying you're hardest not to give up and I'm sure they would like their happy fun dad back especially as you have been their main parent for so long.
    Wish I could help more, keep in touch

    Thu 26, Dec 2013 at 8:25am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Thanks for that, it nice you can be so positive. How are you? How is your Christmas so far?

    Speak soon

    Thu 26, Dec 2013 at 8:39am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how are you?
    Still very confused and up and down here. Feel like I'm in a nightmare that I am not sure whether I want to wake up or not due to the reality of it all. Some things said and trying to keep distance but all put down to the depression. Just on a treadmill to nowhere. My little boy said last night "mummy we don't seem to have fun anymore", the words ring in my head. Hate being so up and down, can't make sense of what I think in my head anymore. My husband said to me thanks for making his and the children's Christmas worth while as I was here. I asked what that meant - knowing I would of taken my children if I had left- and he said what it says. Can't figure on that one either. We both have the whole holiday season off work and it's hard to get a moments peace. So confused.
    Speak soon

    Sat 28, Dec 2013 at 8:18am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Sorry to hear your Christmas is as crappy as mine. I can't get a straight answer from my wife as to what the hell is going on. She still denies everything despite all the evidence. I almost don't know why I need her to admit anything. After all I have seen and all she's done I don't know why I need her to admit anything but I do. I'm in purgatory here. All the while I know it's pretty clear it's over yet. She got me nothing for Christmas and spent the whole day away from me drinking and then her 'friend' was calling her work phone at midnight after shed obviously need in touch with him beforehand.

    After all she's done I still find myself not wanting to go out with friends as I don't want her to think I'm as bad as she is. How stupid is that!! I have done nothing all year but try for my marriage and she has done nothing but have her cake and eat it and after the pain I went through on Christmas Day I'm still trying in the desperate hope she will make things right, but I need to wake up and realise it's not going to happen. I need to find some peace soon before I go insane.

    I know how hard it is for you. It's so very hard to be all smiley and happy for the kids. You want to more than anything else but as the cup is always half empty it's Just so hard. Plus in some ways you don't want to act normal as you know everything is far from normal. I think what your husband said is a sign of him softening. I know it's probably too late from your point of view but I think he's showing how much it meant to have you all there. Maybe a little selfish after making life so hard for months but maybe it's just some humanity about the whole situation. What do you think you'll do now?

    For me, I'm lost. I saw a softer side to my wife than I have for a long time last night but I suppose one evening of slight normality isn't going to change what I found out on Christmas night let alone the rest of what's happened. Everton around me tells me to look after myself and to do what I need to do but I love her so much I'm staying around in the hope she breaks down, admits everything and shows some remorse for everything and begs me to work things out. But I know the minute she gets back in to full work more she'll go back to the way she has been all year. It all comes down to my insecurity which makes me feel pathetic that I would accept everything that's happened in order to stay with her. She's pushed me away for nearly a year now and I'm still trying to fight my way back. I suppose I need to give up and let it go. If in the future she realises she's made a mistake then ill deal with that then but I know that's a long shot. I really enjoy (not really the right word) chatting with you. Strange to be discussing things so personal it's someone who's name I don't know etc and everything we write it there for all to see.

    Keep in touch, speak soon and take care

    Sat 28, Dec 2013 at 9:22am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Sorry to hear your Christmas is as crappy as mine. I can't get a straight answer from my wife as to what the hell is going on. She still denies everything despite all the evidence. I almost don't know why I need her to admit anything. After all I have seen and all she's done I don't know why I need her to admit anything but I do. I'm in purgatory here. All the while I know it's pretty clear it's over yet. She got me nothing for Christmas and spent the whole day away from me drinking and then her 'friend' was calling her work phone at midnight after shed obviously need in touch with him beforehand.

    After all she's done I still find myself not wanting to go out with friends as I don't want her to think I'm as bad as she is. How stupid is that!! I have done nothing all year but try for my marriage and she has done nothing but have her cake and eat it and after the pain I went through on Christmas Day I'm still trying in the desperate hope she will make things right, but I need to wake up and realise it's not going to happen. I need to find some peace soon before I go insane.

    I know how hard it is for you. It's so very hard to be all smiley and happy for the kids. You want to more than anything else but as the cup is always half empty it's Just so hard. Plus in some ways you don't want to act normal as you know everything is far from normal. I think what your husband said is a sign of him softening. I know it's probably too late from your point of view but I think he's showing how much it meant to have you all there. Maybe a little selfish after making life so hard for months but maybe it's just some humanity about the whole situation. What do you think you'll do now?

    For me, I'm lost. I saw a softer side to my wife than I have for a long time last night but I suppose one evening of slight normality isn't going to change what I found out on Christmas night let alone the rest of what's happened. Everton around me tells me to look after myself and to do what I need to do but I love her so much I'm staying around in the hope she breaks down, admits everything and shows some remorse for everything and begs me to work things out. But I know the minute she gets back in to full work more she'll go back to the way she has been all year. It all comes down to my insecurity which makes me feel pathetic that I would accept everything that's happened in order to stay with her. She's pushed me away for nearly a year now and I'm still trying to fight my way back. I suppose I need to give up and let it go. If in the future she realises she's made a mistake then ill deal with that then but I know that's a long shot. I really enjoy (not really the right word) chatting with you. Strange to be discussing things so personal it's someone who's name I don't know etc and everything we write it there for all to see.

    Keep in touch, speak soon and take care

    Sat 28, Dec 2013 at 9:22am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Sorry to hear your Christmas is as crappy as mine. I can't get a straight answer from my wife as to what the hell is going on. She still denies everything despite all the evidence. I almost don't know why I need her to admit anything. After all I have seen and all she's done I don't know why I need her to admit anything but I do. I'm in purgatory here. All the while I know it's pretty clear it's over yet. She got me nothing for Christmas and spent the whole day away from me drinking and then her 'friend' was calling her work phone at midnight after shed obviously need in touch with him beforehand.

    After all she's done I still find myself not wanting to go out with friends as I don't want her to think I'm as bad as she is. How stupid is that!! I have done nothing all year but try for my marriage and she has done nothing but have her cake and eat it and after the pain I went through on Christmas Day I'm still trying in the desperate hope she will make things right, but I need to wake up and realise it's not going to happen. I need to find some peace soon before I go insane.

    I know how hard it is for you. It's so very hard to be all smiley and happy for the kids. You want to more than anything else but as the cup is always half empty it's Just so hard. Plus in some ways you don't want to act normal as you know everything is far from normal. I think what your husband said is a sign of him softening. I know it's probably too late from your point of view but I think he's showing how much it meant to have you all there. Maybe a little selfish after making life so hard for months but maybe it's just some humanity about the whole situation. What do you think you'll do now?

    For me, I'm lost. I saw a softer side to my wife than I have for a long time last night but I suppose one evening of slight normality isn't going to change what I found out on Christmas night let alone the rest of what's happened. Everton around me tells me to look after myself and to do what I need to do but I love her so much I'm staying around in the hope she breaks down, admits everything and shows some remorse for everything and begs me to work things out. But I know the minute she gets back in to full work more she'll go back to the way she has been all year. It all comes down to my insecurity which makes me feel pathetic that I would accept everything that's happened in order to stay with her. She's pushed me away for nearly a year now and I'm still trying to fight my way back. I suppose I need to give up and let it go. If in the future she realises she's made a mistake then ill deal with that then but I know that's a long shot. I really enjoy (not really the right word) chatting with you. Strange to be discussing things so personal it's someone who's name I don't know etc and everything we write it there for all to see.

    Keep in touch, speak soon and take care

    Sat 28, Dec 2013 at 9:22am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Hope your okay and things are okay for you at the moment. I'm here if you want to chat.

    Hav a great new year in the circumstances!!

    Mon 30, Dec 2013 at 5:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi
    Know what you mean about a forum, but that's the whole point isn't it? How's things? Sounds like it's getting you down, have you searched the site for any information that may help?
    Still on a treadmill, sometimes I see right trough my husband and call his bluff of which he doesn't like, other days I fall completely for it. He even mocked my medication and used as a joke for everyone. Seems odd I did the deed and chose to stay and work it out and all I get is punished. Karma I suppose .
    Have a good new year. Write down a few things that you wish to achieve and go for them. Try and be happy.

    Tue 31, Dec 2013 at 8:36am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Happy new year. How have you been? Has the new year brought any change for you?

    I put aside all the crap to try and have at least a couple of days were I didn't feel like shit and tried to relax with my wife. It worked and we had a nice couple of days but again it's me making the effort. She hasn't gone out of her way to do anything and some of the things she has said have really annoyed me. She still doesn't seem to want to take full responsibility for what she's done and still spends most of her time seingky protecting herself and the other bloke rather than doing anything to make things right.

    As we expected I removed the safety net and she looked vulnerable and started to soften but I can't help think her lack of effort and being so unwilling to take responsibly for what she's done, instead trying to say its my fault as well. Plus she'll be back at work next week and she'll be back around him and away with work so she'll slip back in to the 'big I am' mode she's been in all year. I've taken to sleeping in the other room for now as it's so hard to sleep with her. I want to hold her and be close but I can't with everything she's done. It's got to the point now where it's not just what she's done but her whole attitude about it. We have a conversation and it's always her wanting to deny things rather than look to the future of indeed we have one.

    Well, at least Christmas is over and it's a whole year away again!! Hope you had a nice time with the kids and hope you are doing okay. Speak soon

    Sat 4, Jan 2014 at 7:45am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    How are things with you? As expected, things her have sort of gone back to the way they were before christmas. My wife is away leaving me and our son at home.

    How have you been getting on? Are you feeling any better on your medication and have you thought anymore about counselling? It's easy to fall in to the trap of existing rather than living. I've been looking at ways in which to meet new friends, I have male friends but it's not the same as having a female to talk to. I'm quite a sensitive bloke and miss that easy chat I used to have with my wife. Problem is I know despite everything she's done even an innocent friendship with a female would probably make her dig her heels in about sorting things out. She has made an effort lately but she still hasn't poured her heart out and apologised or actually said she wants to make it work etc etc. I can chat with my male friends but it doesn't get too deep, at the end of the day, when I told my friends about the pictures, they asked if he was well endowed!!

    Have you been okay at work and with the children? Hope they haven't seen you as down as you said over Christmas. Anyway, hope your well. Look forward to speaking soon

    Tue 7, Jan 2014 at 8:55pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi happy new year to you too. Sorry to hear things are bad with you. What do you think you will do now? It's so sorry that your wife has gone back to her old ways, maybe gritting your teeth and giving an ultimatum would spark some reconciliation? I'm not going to sway you either way you know what your heart says and your head, just ask yourself how long can you live like you are, but I don't think using jealousy is a good idea, may cause even more if a gap between you, and the childhood of your son? How is he with all this?
    Things are the same here, more hurtful comments and I am just exhausted. I can see my husbands view and feelings so much better through our chats but nothing I try seems to work, the depression confuses me too. I have no idea what is right to think or not, sometimes get paranoid and have started panick attacks. Feel I am just going mad. My husband wants me to change my medication to something else he has researched on the internet. So that I shall do.
    Started work again and it was a bit overwhelming. Felt better being away from my husband though as awful as that sounds. Felt I could breathe, and it panicked me when he said last night that he will be spending even more time at home. What to do? I think back and remember how I used to be in myself long before I got married and it just seems so far out of reach that there is no way back, I do just exist, go through the motions every day. Hope you understand what I'm trying to say .
    Take care, smile at least once a day

    Wed 8, Jan 2014 at 7:38am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    It seems like your husband is making some effort for you by saying he'll be at home more and researching your medication. On the other hand from the tone of your message it seems like this is not what you want. I know it can feel like your trapped in a whirlpool, constantly spinning around going nowhere. It sounds, just like it has for a few weeks now, that you know what you want but you can't seem to see a path through all the hurt and pain to get where you want to be. I know how hard that is. Have you managed to do anything to have fun and have a laugh?? When I talk about having a friend, I don't mean it to be in a way to make her jealous, it's just to have someone to talk to other than my male friends. Have you got friends and family around you to support you? Ill bet you've done the same as me, in order to focus on your marriage you distance yourself from friends and family so you can be there for your partner to battle through the problems and when it doesn't work out its hard to then get those friendships back.

    My son is okay now. The anger of everything has passed so he doesn't hear us arguing anymore really. I've resigned myself to certain things so it's no surprise that she's away as usual etc. She has been keeping in touch via text but not heard from her since yesterday evening when I told her where I stand, suppose she's either thinking about what I've said or she's realised it pretty hopeless and is keeping her distance! I am getting used to the way things are at the minute. When she's away it's easier because it's just me and my son so we spend time together which is great. It's harder when she's here as things are supposed to be normal but there's an elephant in the room with the problems so it's not as easy to relax. I have removed the safety net and she did start to make an effort but now she's back at work it's back to how it was. She's not saying what she wants and I've give up asking. I tell myself I've come to terms with how things are but I know if she was to say its over I'd probably be devastated. Hopefully it wouldn't last as long as it would have a few months ago as I've been going through it for so long.

    I really want her to make a big effort but then again after everything that she's done and the fact she's still working with him and still away so much, it seems like the only way we would get back on track is if I do all the changing! Which isn't fair at all.

    Have a good day. I'm glad I can help you and you certainly are a big help to me. Speak soon

    Wed 8, Jan 2014 at 9:03am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    It seems like your husband is making some effort for you by saying he'll be at home more and researching your medication. On the other hand from the tone of your message it seems like this is not what you want. I know it can feel like your trapped in a whirlpool, constantly spinning around going nowhere. It sounds, just like it has for a few weeks now, that you know what you want but you can't seem to see a path through all the hurt and pain to get where you want to be. I know how hard that is. Have you managed to do anything to have fun and have a laugh?? When I talk about having a friend, I don't mean it to be in a way to make her jealous, it's just to have someone to talk to other than my male friends. Have you got friends and family around you to support you? Ill bet you've done the same as me, in order to focus on your marriage you distance yourself from friends and family so you can be there for your partner to battle through the problems and when it doesn't work out its hard to then get those friendships back.

    My son is okay now. The anger of everything has passed so he doesn't hear us arguing anymore really. I've resigned myself to certain things so it's no surprise that she's away as usual etc. She has been keeping in touch via text but not heard from her since yesterday evening when I told her where I stand, suppose she's either thinking about what I've said or she's realised it pretty hopeless and is keeping her distance! I am getting used to the way things are at the minute. When she's away it's easier because it's just me and my son so we spend time together which is great. It's harder when she's here as things are supposed to be normal but there's an elephant in the room with the problems so it's not as easy to relax. I have removed the safety net and she did start to make an effort but now she's back at work it's back to how it was. She's not saying what she wants and I've give up asking. I tell myself I've come to terms with how things are but I know if she was to say its over I'd probably be devastated. Hopefully it wouldn't last as long as it would have a few months ago as I've been going through it for so long.

    I really want her to make a big effort but then again after everything that she's done and the fact she's still working with him and still away so much, it seems like the only way we would get back on track is if I do all the changing! Which isn't fair at all.

    Have a good day. I'm glad I can help you and you certainly are a big help to me. Speak soon

    Wed 8, Jan 2014 at 9:03am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    It seems like your husband is making some effort for you by saying he'll be at home more and researching your medication. On the other hand from the tone of your message it seems like this is not what you want. I know it can feel like your trapped in a whirlpool, constantly spinning around going nowhere. It sounds, just like it has for a few weeks now, that you know what you want but you can't seem to see a path through all the hurt and pain to get where you want to be. I know how hard that is. Have you managed to do anything to have fun and have a laugh?? When I talk about having a friend, I don't mean it to be in a way to make her jealous, it's just to have someone to talk to other than my male friends. Have you got friends and family around you to support you? Ill bet you've done the same as me, in order to focus on your marriage you distance yourself from friends and family so you can be there for your partner to battle through the problems and when it doesn't work out its hard to then get those friendships back.

    My son is okay now. The anger of everything has passed so he doesn't hear us arguing anymore really. I've resigned myself to certain things so it's no surprise that she's away as usual etc. She has been keeping in touch via text but not heard from her since yesterday evening when I told her where I stand, suppose she's either thinking about what I've said or she's realised it pretty hopeless and is keeping her distance! I am getting used to the way things are at the minute. When she's away it's easier because it's just me and my son so we spend time together which is great. It's harder when she's here as things are supposed to be normal but there's an elephant in the room with the problems so it's not as easy to relax. I have removed the safety net and she did start to make an effort but now she's back at work it's back to how it was. She's not saying what she wants and I've give up asking. I tell myself I've come to terms with how things are but I know if she was to say its over I'd probably be devastated. Hopefully it wouldn't last as long as it would have a few months ago as I've been going through it for so long.

    I really want her to make a big effort but then again after everything that she's done and the fact she's still working with him and still away so much, it seems like the only way we would get back on track is if I do all the changing! Which isn't fair at all.

    Have a good day. I'm glad I can help you and you certainly are a big help to me. Speak soon

    Wed 8, Jan 2014 at 9:03am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi hope you are okay.
    Sounds like you are distancing from each other although it is good that you have more time with your son. I totally emphasise with the fleohant in the room scenario my children are always hitting and attacking Daddy and their behaviour rockets off a scale unknown to any human being. Maybe they pick up on my vibes, my fault again I suppose.
    I have no friends they all disappeared once I met then any ones left I haven't seen since we got married. You are the only person I get to talk to about it. So thank you for putting up with my rants. I guess that is another reason why I had an affair, someone saw me as a person not someone who is there to do the housework, earn money to pay bills, etc etc piece of property I guess is how I felt and still feel to a degree.
    My husband still looks and digs for reassurance and I keep giving the best I can but not much else left in the vag unless I either stop work (I don't work with the affair person) and/or we move out of the area. I love where we live this area is "home" to me and my children. " start afresh "
    He said last night that h I'd not sure if he has the time or strength to support me with my depression and has read that if he left he has a 40% chance of depression himself. Don't know how to take that he either 1. Doesn't truely lovd me 2. Is looking for the good deed euphoria from helping someone of 3. Fishing for more reassurance and hugs (hugs of which I cannot give) , or 4. Doesn't like the attention taken way from him and needs it back. ( sounds awful I know but he's always been like it). What's your opinion? I feel like I m going mad trunk to figure if all out, maybe I have some sort of paranoia? Think about stuff too much? Oh help.

    Fri 10, Jan 2014 at 7:40am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    The other thing he said was that he's not bothered that I was 'with' another man, but the fact that my children and myself all had dinner with the ' other man' whilst he was away. I can see how hurtful that was but it happened and like I said I can't change the clocks back and my husband spitefully replied that I can start putting them forward.

    Fri 10, Jan 2014 at 8:26am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I have so much to say, need to be at my computer to type rather than on my phone!

    I completely understand how you feel and unfortunately can understand what your husband is doing.

    Have a good day and ill get in touch later, take care

    Fri 10, Jan 2014 at 9:00am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    How's your day going?
    You seem like you and your husband are in the same boat as me and my wife! Nothing seems to be decided yet its closer to ending than it is to re-igniting. When my wife is distant and cold I chase her like a love sick puppy wanting the attention from her but ultimately, she has made life hell for 8 - 10 months now and, as expected, has slipped back in to her old ways of being away and then blaming me for things. She doesn't seem to accept what she's done and is still looking to share the blame with me. I know you have taken full responsibility for what you've done but you haven't been allowed to forget and move on so it seem you have come to resent your partner and the marriage.

    I can completely understand why your husband is doing what he's doing. Like me, he's probably aware how bad things are but whilst he still gets to come home to you and the kids he can act normal to a point but then when it hits him that its not normal he lashes out for attention. I'm sad to say I do the same. When she's away for days I can eat, sleep and get on with things, when she's home I can't do anything because its so obvious things aren't right. It feels like when shes working and pulled from place to place and she has no control over where she is or for how long, she likes to put up the barriers and make out like this is what she wants and make things hard for me because that way if we fall out she can blame me and feel better about being away.

    I need to find some other hobbies and people to socialise with to fill some of the void I have in my life but as I said before, its not as easy for a bloke. Every time I look for how to meet new friends its either dating sites or lesbian, gay and transgender websites, which I'm not quote ready for just yet !!!!!

    I can do without the physical stuff, a hug is sorely missed but I can do without sex for now. I have been intimate with my wife a couple of time recently but its not the same now. After all is said and done, she has spent eight months ruining our marriage and no time fixing it so I have to face facts that she is just trying to destroy me to the point where I leave then she can tell everyone I have left her and she can play the victim.

    Don't blame yourself about the kids actions, they will do what they feel like doing and if they are not happy with Dad then that's his problem to fix. I'm glad I can be of help to you, I'm happy to listen to you rant anytime!!

    Seems a very selfish thing to say about the depression, but again, I have the same tendencies to try and get attention for myself. Its not meant to be as bad as it sounds, but sometimes when you realise its not possible for you to fix someone or something you try and flip it to something you can fix like yourself. I think he's doing it to get your attention and to get something out of you that's positive for the future. I know I want nothing more than for my wife to say she wants it to work and see her making a real effort, but she doesn't. I think he wants you to do the same. Its one things to be on the receiving end of an affair but to then get the feeling your not wanted anymore is very tough to take. Its not that they necessarily want the marriage but they want to be in control of if it lasts or not rather than feel wronged twice. That's not something to feel guilty about as its the way you feel, but from this end it hurts like hell.

    It will feel like your going mad because if you cant talk about things you'll just have all your thoughts whizzing around your head and nothing making sense. You need to talk out loud and see things fall in to place as you speak. That always works for me. At things stand for both of us, nothing is moving forward so whilst that's the case your husband will always be looking back at the past. As you say it can't be changed now but as there doesn't appear to be a future at the moment (together or apart) your just swirling around in limbo occasionally throwing insults around. You need to make a decision really (as do I) and decide if it really is over or if there's something you can and want to do to save the marriage. If you know in your heart its over, the fairest thing for everyone is to tell him then the door to the future will open up. It may look like a painful and hard path to take but if you know that's the way you will go, there's no point delaying taking that step. Its easy for me to say, but as usual I won't be rushing to take my advice.

    I'm sure like me you would prefer to jump 6 months in to the future of each scenario and see what life is like and which is the happier life and look at how you got there to get the courage to go down either path but its not possible. I want my wife so much, but she has shown over and over again she doesn't want me and it seems she is hanging around making life difficult in order for me to make the final decision. It may be that I have to do that for my sanity, but I can only see a lonely immediate future.

    What I will say, is from the tone of your emails you seem stronger than you were last week. You seem less depressed in what you've wrote. I'll be honest, I wish I could pick up the phone to you and speak as apart from my counselling talking to you really helps as it helps me make sense of things and also when I talk about your husband its like I'm looking in at myself so I can judge what my actions must look like which whilst its not pretty, it really helps.

    I look forward to your posts, so don't leave it too long !! Have a nice evening if you can and a good weekend if I don't hear from you before.

    Keep smiling !

    Fri 10, Jan 2014 at 4:19pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi
    Thank you for your response it's really helped to try and focus on things.
    Whenever I do try to say what I feel to my husband he either cuts me off or twists it around, so in a way I am reluctant to talk and find it very hard to talk to him. Every time I say think we need to chat his whole body language goes on the defensive, his eyes stare hatefully at me and it's horrid. I feel like a naughty child who can't just say it as it is and back down by changing the subject. minor the most confident person in the world which doesn't help and my husband knows me very well he knows which buttons to press to put things in his favour - and I don't retaliate. During this whole process we have not had a proper 'argument'. I back down immediately. For example I will get frustrated and sigh out loud and my husband will immediately say " don't get huffy with me" and the other favourite "you had the affair", I then feel like a two year old being told off by my parents and back down, I can never reply to say what I want to say. It's like I have no choice due to my "affair" even after all these months, I can't see it's ever going to change. I know what I write must come across one sided it's just my way of getting my thoughts out and in order, your perspective helps greatly in understanding my husband.
    I often think to myself everything I write hear and in the diary should be what my husband is hearing but it is so difficult. Is it the fact he's so defensive and I can't talk to him properly or the fear of the response I will get, at least I would know perhaps? When I do get to say something I'm called "mean" maybe I should write a letter and hand it to him in my presence but then I think that's to impersonal and it should be a chat after all we are suppose to be adults .
    Hope your weekend is better thank you for being here, here for you too. Speak soon

    Sat 11, Jan 2014 at 8:35am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I don't want to sound condescending in anyway, but you should be really pleased with how much more in top of things you seem to be. I know from my counselling that you don't always see little steps forward you've made because your living it day by day, but I can tell you are stronger and less down trodden than you have been recently.

    I think writing a letter is a fantastic idea. I'm sure it will help you understand your own thoughts and give you the chance to put your point across in a clear and precise way. I would say, write a lot of notes as to how you've felt and then start to out them in to a logical order and take your time. If this is your chance to out everything across you want it to be everything you need to say. I don't think its impersonal, you can explain how ovule written things down so you don't say the wrong thing in the heat of an argument. My wife and I text each other sometimes and it's easier than talking face to face sometimes as you can consider what you want to say and edit it as you go. It seems like you need to write down what you want. Revisit it a day later and the next day and see if that's still how you feel. Until you know what you want I suppose you can't tell him. Once you know you can tell him and then the tough part I imagine is sticking to what you've decided. I'm sure your still only young and have a lot of years left to live so you want them to be happy.

    Your husband will be bouncing all over the place and avoiding conversations maybe because he knows the likely outcome will be that you end things between you. I would think just like in my situation that the best way to move forward in this uncertain time is to seperated and live separately for a short time and have the chance to consider your feelings fully and evaluate life etc. Problem is that's not an easy option when kids are involved and when money restricts living apart. I suppose then when you both know the way it's going, seperate or apart, living together would be slightly easier, far from Ideal but at least you'd know where you were going.

    My wife does a lot of things to make me know it's not going to work but then other things to give me some hope, assuming deep down I still want her. She stays away with work, was home in Thursday, went out with family until 11pm last night then comes upstairs, gives me a hug and kiss and says she's just getting something to eat and coming to bed, she then stays up until after midnight watching TV and drinking then comes to bed and wants to cuddle up!! How many more mixed signals could I get!! I have to keep telling myself to take it at face value and don't over think things. In reality she is stringing me along keeping me close but not too close until she decides what she wants to do and when I think of it like that it makes me realise what kind of woman she has become.

    You need to decide what you want and then be consistent with what you do. I suppose you've been consistent over the year in backing down when challenged and you do that naturally and your husband expects it. Sadly I suppose it's the same with my wife and I until this last eight months when she's distanced herself and that's when the bitterness kicks in and you start throwing insults around to make yourself feel better. Very embarrassing and shaming to admit it but that's how it is. The more us men can put you ladies down and feel like we are the dominant one the better we feel in these uncertain times. Not that it gives any long lasting satisfaction or anything but for those few hours you feel like you've got a day in things when the reality is both you and my wife have all the power in deciding the future as if your husband or I decided we couldn't move past things surely we'd have left by now and made the decision for you, maybe in some way that would be easier for you both as you wouldn't have to be the one to end it.

    I really don't want to come across that I'm against you in any way, I'm not at all. It's just similarities are uncanny. It's funny how I can completely understand how your husband feels yet I sympathise with you and want to help you make it right for you in whatever small way I can. From my side of things, i
    I know no matter how much I may not want things to end at least if I knew it was over I could move on. As things are I want to do some new things and get out of the house but don't want to out anymore distance between my wife and I even though she does it a lot. Who knew life would be so tough!!

    You know and accept what you've done is wrong but you don't deserve to be persecuted indefinitely for it. You admit your mistake and you made steps to make things right until your husband made things even harder and made you realise why you felt that way to do what you did in the first place. People do worse things and get fairer treatment. In my situation, my wife hasn't accepted what she's done is her fault and isn't making steps to make positive changes in our life so I have to walk slowly down the path leading to separation as if I look at what goes on each week, 90% of her actions make things worse or at least keep things the same and only 10% is anything remotely positive. So I suppose I have to take that in board and deal with that.

    I know I'm far from perfect and I have insecurity issues but I just want someone to value me and look forward to spending time with me. I am very living and attentive and I'm happy to give more than my fair share as long as I'm getting enough back and as long as someone takes time to put me first now and again. It's daft, I am insecure yet confident I could make someone happy. There's aspects of my wife's personality that I don't like because it's not what she was like for the majority of out life together, however if someone else had those traits but they had them from the start and they didn't hide the fact and they were honest I'd probably accept them. Not a fan of change!! I just want people to be honest. My wife had told so many little white lies and some big lies over the years it has damaged the trust between us, that makes the arguments worse as you fighting over grey areas. If some one told me this or that and it was the honest truth, that's hten my problem if I take it badly, where as if your told 60% of the truth and your minds working overtime trying to work out the rest it's damn site harder.

    I miss my wife, we still live together but I miss talking and laughing. I can sit with her but we have nothing to really talk about. We don't want to talk about what's happening as it's too hard, we can't discuss the future as we don't know if we have one and it's like neither of us want to talk about the here and now as we realise how seperated we have become.

    Don't worry about sounding one sided, this is yours and my time to talk, so of course it's going to be one sided. It's not like your ignoring the other side of things but this is for you to say what you don't feel you can say out loud so don't stop that or you'll go insane!

    Have a good day and speak soon

    Sat 11, Jan 2014 at 10:34am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how are you, thank you for your latest post makes a lot if sense. Have started putting pen to paper. Speak soon

    Wed 15, Jan 2014 at 7:36am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Hope your okay. I haven't a clue what's going on here! You'd think at the moment nothing has happened and she's making some effort but it's almost as if she just wants to forget about it and carry on and whilst there are evenings I'm happy to watch a film and relax together, all the hurt hasn't gone away. I'm wary of letting myself get sucked back in so I keep my card close to my chest. To be honest the way she's being now is in some ways more hurtful and annoying than other things that have happened. It's almost as if she's saying "yes I've done this and that, but you could never leave me so lets carry on". There has been nothing said like she wants there to be a future for us or a discussion about what exactly went on. She is still away three nights a week which isn't ideal on its own. She still doesn't keep in touch apart from when it suits. She's still works with the other bloke so it seems like she's decided to give things a go with me but only on the basis that I accept the new her so she doesn't have to make any effort!!

    Look forward to hearing from you. Take care
    (name edited out by moderator to protect anonymity)

    Wed 15, Jan 2014 at 8:11am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi,
    Are you still happy in your heart though? Her dismissal of things may be a 'new year new start' theory from her side or it could be - like you say- "lump it or like it attitude" either one is not good if she is not talking to you about it. Have you tried a sit down with no distractions and just voice each others feelings. I can understand you are being quite guarded as you don't wish to be set up for any more emotional hurt, but if you are always speculating without knowing surely you are hurting yourself more? If she refuses to be open and honest then you need to give her an ultimatum? Something like if we can't be open and honest now maybe you can attend counselling with me because we cannot carry on like we are. I'm not trying to tell you what to do of anything like that - you are your own person - and of course know your situation much better than anyone, I'm just saying something has to give at some point.
    This end same as usual. Getting stronger and also not trying to be sucked in and keep walking with my eyes wide open.
    Stay strong and keep smiling

    Sat 18, Jan 2014 at 9:25am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I go through phases of what tondo for the best. At the moment I'm quite content to stay as I am and see what happens. Like you, I can feel I'm getting stronger and able to do things that are right for me rather than doing things that are right for her. Maybe I'm just putting off the ultimatum as it's easier in limbo at the moment rather than making life changing decisions. We are like friends with benefits at the moment, but for my sons sake at least we are not arguing all the time. She is doing things to try and make things better but instead of sitting down and telling me what she thinks she needs to do to make things better she just throws the odd comment out like last night she was looking at jobs and she made stupid noises until my son asks what she was doing and then she said she was looking for a new job. That's just what she does though. I can tell she's a little worried why I don't ask as many questions anymore. I went out on Thursday and she wanted to know every detail of who I was with and where I was going yet she goes away for three nights and I don't ask anything because I probably won't believe the answer anyway!

    How are things going with the letter? Have you finished it yet? Hopefully it's allowed you a chance to get your feelings and thoughts organised in your own mind. Are you making plans to move on or anything? I fond myself looking at ways to make new friends and any groups I can join etc but haven't quite got to the stage where I go through with the plan. I have started doing some new things but nothing to unexpected just yet. I downloaded a good audio book by a woman called Lucinda Drayton and when I was looking in to her work a bit more I found she was holding a mindfulness workshop in Manchester next week so I've booked to go to that. A bit nervous as it's not something I would usually do and I'm trying to work out what type of people will be there. I keep thinking it will be woman called star and charity with dreadlocks and dresses made of hemp, but that's probably my closed mind!! It will be interesting that's for sure.

    Have you thought about any counselling etc? I think I've asked a few times now and you don't seem to answer, it's non of my business, just interested.

    Great to hear from you again. Always look forward to your posts. Have a great weekend with whatever you do.

    Speak soon

    Sat 18, Jan 2014 at 10:05am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how did things go over the weekend? Sounds like you have reached a new level and maybe your wife is testing the water to see what your reaction is, did you ask about her new job search or just turn a calculated blind eye? Maybe she has had some realisation if she shows concern as to where you are going. What's your plans now?
    Here there is no counselling everyone I suggest it I'm told it's a waste of time and we don't need it, he just needs hugs from his wife. I have given up asking and if I suggest going alone he is not prepared to look after our children, likewise if I wanted to go to a support group/ hobby group. It's ok for him to go off fishing for the day though. He still checks my phone, mail , social network sites and I have recently found iPhone tracker set up for my phone. He comes home early to double check on me and I haven't done anything he's in a complete state if paranoia. I can't talk to him about stuff because it goes straight back to him. We had a disagreement about going to his mothers at the weekend and it just drives me insane. Part if me thinks just let him have his way and we will fall apart and then I think to do more and make a healthy marriage and I'm shot back down in flames. Can't win. Sometimes I see the person I met a those years ago but like I was shown the other day by my husband - one of those quote things on social network sites- " through the most tough times you see the true colours of those around you". My boss text me yesterday for work today and he was like who's that? I said my boss he said who are you texting? More forcefully, I said my boss. My bosses reply came back and he checked my phone for me just to satisfy himself. Point is he still lacks any trust whatsoever. Oh help!

    Mon 20, Jan 2014 at 7:18am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I feel a bit as though I'm butting in here, you guys have such a great relationship - so apologies if I am.

    I just wondered if, on the counselling front, you might like to try telephone counselling? Then you wouldn't need to leave the house and it could be arranged for when he's out fishing. A friend of mine used Marriage Care for telephone counselling - his partner said there was no problem (you'll know all about that) and he did it during his lunch break to keep it private. It worked out well for him, helped him to feel a bit stronger and get some control back in his life.

    He doesn't seem to help you put the past behind you does he? He must have been more hurt than he's letting on - to want to punish you for sooo long. Stay strong.

    Mon 20, Jan 2014 at 9:36am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I feel a bit as though I'm butting in here, you guys have such a great relationship - so apologies if I am.

    I just wondered if, on the counselling front, you might like to try telephone counselling? Then you wouldn't need to leave the house and it could be arranged for when he's out fishing. A friend of mine used Marriage Care for telephone counselling - his partner said there was no problem (you'll know all about that) and he did it during his lunch break to keep it private. It worked out well for him, helped him to feel a bit stronger and get some control back in his life.

    He doesn't seem to help you put the past behind you does he? He must have been more hurt than he's letting on - to want to punish you for sooo long. Stay strong.

    Mon 20, Jan 2014 at 9:37am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    (It's been a long time since anyone has put me in the good relationship bracket Marylin, that made me smile!)

    I think there's always an element of snooping when things have happened but there comes a point when you've got to accept what's happened and start to trust the other person and move on, if that's both parties wants to do. It must be suffocating for you if you can't do anything or go anywhere and even worse if you can't speak to a counsellor. If you find the time relate have a facility where you can chat to one of their counsellors for half an hour. It's not ideal as it's all by text web chat but it's worth it when you get over the fact that they are really trying to sell their services. Have you come to decision about what you actually want for the future, either short or long term? I think anyone in a relationship would say they wouldn't live like this, in constant limbo but when your in the middle of it, it's all to easy fall in to that trap of just existing together. I suppose it's a little more acceptable if you've both sort of agreed to live together but lead semi seperate lives but if one can do anything and the other can't it's not fair.

    I have fallen in to the trap described above really. I come and go as I want really and oy really consider what my son wants and needs. At the same time she can also do what she wants, I have stopped asking about what she's doing to be honest. Probably a calculated blind eye as you say. I am glad I have managed to get over that hurdle of worrying about going out in case she thinks this or that. Saturday night was a glaring example f the issues I have. I was out during the day visiting people then I came home and thought about going out for the evening. Text a few friends and no bugger got back to me and when one did he was too tired. It made me realise how few friends I have and how I need to meet some new people. Once it was obvious I had no one to turn to I just decided I may as well make an effort with my wife! Very shallow and very two faced but it was either that or sit and stress over everything. I'm not using her, I wouldn't do that to her. She did say some positive things like she loves me and she wants to be with me forever but she had had a few glasses of wine and she has said it all before. We had an okay night on Saturday but on Sunday morning I start asking questions to get things straight about the last nine months and the lies come out so I pushed her away (not literally) and I went out for a few hours. If she made any sort of effort I would probably recover a little respect for her, especially if she did it sober! Problem is, despite everything she won't out herself on the line and risk being hurt a little. Say if she had organised an evening out and then I said I'm not in the mood. It would mean a hell of a lot that she's made an effort but she won't do it as she's more concerned that she may get shot down rather than the positive impact it could have.

    I can see my wife getting worried as I don't quiz her about where she's been or what she's doing. I'm sick of getting lip service and lies so I don't bother anymore. Yet if I get a text she's asking me who it is etc. I don't know what the future holds for us. A few weeks ago the unknown was like purgatory but now I've moved on a little so I feel if I can get in to a few groups and have space away from home where i can chat to people and do new things then ill now then what I feel I need from the marriage. I really want to have a female friend as I've said. Not for any romantic or physical reasons, I just enjoy a different type of conversation but I know that may cause problems with my wife should she finally step up and sort things out with us. I am looking to join a few groups where there will be men and women, rather than just something like golf or football where it would be solely men.

    I reckon you would really benefit from some expert help. You'd have to have a few sessions to decide what type of therapy you would prefer. There's person centred, cognative behavioural therapy, hypnotherapy etc. Also, if your like me you need someone who challenges what your think sometimes. I've tried a few out before I found the woman I see and some will take your money and just listen to you talk for an hour and nod along where as the woman I see stops me if I've said something strange and asks why I think that's and when I started to think that etc. I'm always here though, cheaper than a counsellor as well!!

    Did you write your letter? It would seem that your h

    Mon 20, Jan 2014 at 2:58pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    husband has come to terms with the way things are now and has set up camp and doesn't want things to ha he again so he can keep an eye on you and prevent you from doing anything that may take some control away from him. Maybe he fears you'll find your inner strength and have it pointed out to you how you need to move on if you see a counsellor. Seems like he's very insecure and doesn't know what he wants to do so he's out up the walls and wants to control things so he can buy himself some time to decide what he wants and wants to keep you in a box so you don't make a life changing decision before he does!!

    I've come to conclusion that for the time being I don't need to do anything. She can do what she wants, maybe that includes spending time with him, I don't know. I suppose it would only bother me as I have not looked for anyone else's attention while she's still having her fun! She still dismisses everything that I've seen and read as not what it looks like and plays it down still which really annoys me.

    Hope your okay and I look forward to hearing from you. I'd happily send my details so we could keep in touch properly but the forum seem to delete anything like that, even names so ill have to rely on the forum!

    Still feeling a bit nervous about my mindfulness workshop thing on Saturday. I know I'll be okay when I'm there as I'm not shy but a little apprehensive as the weekend nears. It's a day out I suppose although I may have to sneak some ham sandwiches in in case the vegetarian lunch doesn't satisfy me!

    Take care

    Mon 20, Jan 2014 at 3:09pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Can you tell I had a spare hour this afternoon! A but if a long post there. They joys of being self employed!

    Mon 20, Jan 2014 at 3:23pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    hard work typing on a phone though! That should have said a bit of a long post!!

    Mon 20, Jan 2014 at 3:24pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi thank you moderator for your input- not butting in what's so ever. Didn't realise there is phone counselling will look into it, I only get half hour for lunch so may be a squeeze but always worth a try.
    Thank you for such a long post, really nice to know you can offer such good advice and don't mind typing on your phone! Big thank you, very much appreiciated.
    Last night my husband says he thinks he has depression too and that I am being too horrid to him that it's the point of emotional abuse because I can't face intercourse with him at the minute. He says my depression is just another excuse I have come up with even though he has seen my mesdication and referral forms . I said he needs to seek professional help if he thinks he's got depression and he says that the social will take the children as they won't allow two parents with depression to have their children. Not sure if that's correct does anyone know the answer to this? He says he doesn't need help just hugs from me, no counselling it's all irrelevant to our situation. What to do now?

    Tue 21, Jan 2014 at 6:20am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Sounds like the act of a desperate man to be honest. No one will be taking your children away that's for sure. If he is depressed its as a result of the stress and turmoil in your lives at the moment. If you were both harming yourselves that would be a problem as you may be a danger to your kids and yourselves but that's not the case.

    Maybe he can sense you getting stronger and coping better each day so he's still fighting to assert his dominance and feel like he is on control of what's going on. As we discussed a while ago, as a man you look for sex as a quick fix to feel loved and wanted were as woman need to feel loved to have sex. Maybe saying he has depression is a way of trying to get some common ground between you. It's a little cheeky to want your support now the way he reacted to your depression but as I say it seems like he can sense you slipping away and he's using anything he can to stay in the race. He ses to be clinging to the fact that if he can get some physical attention from you in the way of a hug then that's a positive step and maybe he's thinking it will lead to something more. I can understand how he feels but at the same time if hugging him doesn't feel like something you want to do, don't do it for his sake as the signals it will send may make him even more confused and whilst that may not be your problem it's best to be consistent then both of your heads aren't all over the place.

    Any luck with the letter?

    Speak soon, take it easy

    Tue 21, Jan 2014 at 6:40am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi thanks for that. My letter seems to be more of a rant than an explanation and I find myself writing angrily instead of logically, so still working on that. I even bought a whole new pad to write in! I did send a text to my husband saying that I will sacrifice my treatment so that we can focus on him and he can get help as his need is greater and I will make the doctors appointments if he feels he cannot. He quickly replied not to do anything and wants to chat later. Maybe you are right and I have rumbled him or he likes all the attention back on him - he's got his way- and so his bubble is happy, either that it he expects sex again. Awful thoughts but I have to consider them. I am willing to help him but he is not willing to help me is what is coming more and more apparent. I just text back that he's suffered too long and hugs will not solve it and we need to take action rather than keep going round in circles. As yet no reply. Wish me luck for tonight! I will probably crumble.
    How you feeling about your side of things? Still going to your club?
    Take care and speak soon

    Tue 21, Jan 2014 at 1:35pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi thanks for that. My letter seems to be more of a rant than an explanation and I find myself writing angrily instead of logically, so still working on that. I even bought a whole new pad to write in! I did send a text to my husband saying that I will sacrifice my treatment so that we can focus on him and he can get help as his need is greater and I will make the doctors appointments if he feels he cannot. He quickly replied not to do anything and wants to chat later. Maybe you are right and I have rumbled him or he likes all the attention back on him - he's got his way- and so his bubble is happy, either that it he expects sex again. Awful thoughts but I have to consider them. I am willing to help him but he is not willing to help me is what is coming more and more apparent. I just text back that he's suffered too long and hugs will not solve it and we need to take action rather than keep going round in circles. As yet no reply. Wish me luck for tonight! I will probably crumble.
    How you feeling about your side of things? Still going to your club?
    Take care and speak soon

    Tue 21, Jan 2014 at 1:35pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Good luck for tonight! It's very much like he wants to be recognised as the victim. I suppose it's hard after so many months to stop and think back to how things were when you sought attention from someone else. You obviously were not happy so all what's going on now is a result of how things have been in recent months since you told him, the real reasons still seemingly haven't been sorted and whilst, again, I understand his need to want to be the centre of attention and that it's all your fault, you can't go on and it doesn't seem like you want to either.

    I don't think its a bad thing to have a good old rant in writing. Even if you don't ever give him a letter, if you re read your notes I'm sure what the main issues are will come through and then at least if you speaking to him you'll know what you want to say rather than being sidetracked talking about leaving the toilet seat up! Can ever see yourself wanted to hug and kiss him again? I know that's a personal question but thought I'd ask.

    I was talking to someone earlier and they were saying how their brothers ex wife just goes to work and looks after her daughter, she doesn't do anything else. She was so damning about it so I explained that instead of having to face the future and consider all life might throw at her, she's probably happy going to work and then throwing herself in to being a mum and doesn't want to lose that comfort blanket of being wanted by another living thing! My point is, people on the outside looking in will say they'd do this or that but it's in my when your in the middle of it you can truly appreciate what a person feels. If you don't know what you want in the next few months, don't be to down about it. Give yourself a break and enjoy not having to make a life changing decision. You do need to know what you want and need day to day.

    It's not my call, but it seems very unfair that you would put aside your problems to tend to his needs. It's not right and it's not healthy to be honest. I think you'd only end up resenting him and he would expect you to out your needs aside for the foreseeable future. If you aren't planning to stick around long term, you obviously still care for him and I'm sure you'd want to help out but what about you and your needs? You both deserve to be happy. You can't sacrifice your happiness for his. I would worry if you give to much to him he'll expect that that's the case all the time and you'll be even more miserable.

    All that said, I now it's all easier said than done! I thought I'd got to a point I was content if not happy but she went away this morning until Friday, I am out overnight at a friends on Friday night and then I'm at that workshop with the hippies on Saturday so won't see her until Saturday night and she made some effort to be okay before she went but in my eyes it wasn't enough and three my toys out of the pram! Not ideal and wish I hadn't shown my emotions.

    Things are still the same here, still in the hunt for friends, as sad as that sounds! Things don't move along very fast with her being away three night a week. Thinking of setting up a support group for people in our position! I was taking to my counsellor and we joked how if your an alcoholic or a drug or sex addict there are groups you can go to and meet people who understand your situation and who you can lean on for support but being fed up and lonely isn't a problem for society so no one gives a toss! Although youngish I'm not on Facebook and all the other sites are or dating more than just friends. If your ever looking for friends try netmums.com, there loads of mothers always looking for friends. All the dads groups might involve dressing up as batman and climbing the Houses of Parliament!!! I can still laugh, even at my own jokes.

    Keep smiling, take care and speak soon

    Tue 21, Jan 2014 at 2:13pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi
    Good to hear a positive side to your writing and a little joke with your counsellor, good you are on the up even if it seems so difficult.
    Well I crumbled to an extent last night. Don't know where to start! He said doesn't expect me to stop my treatment and appreiciated the sentiment but how could I help him if I can't hug him or say I love you to him all the time. Yes he had a point. He also said he knows how to handle his depression and has been doing it for a long time now and doesn't need any form of outside help- just needs his wife to hug him. He says I'm using my depression as an excuse and when I said no it is the depression making me feel this way he said that hugs don't hurt anyone. I said I can't keep going over old ground explaining how I'm feeling inside. He said that I can't even make the effort for him break the wall of depression, that I can't even reach for his hand because I can't forgive myself for the affair. I said no it's not that it's all closed in my head and I am trying to get in with things and do make an effort each day. He doesn't accept that he's not moving on and it's him whose making things worse too. He didn't believe me , has said that I am just accepting that this is my life now( he has a point) and said he's surprised I haven't already left and is petrified of me leaving him. Then he said he can't carry in anymore and has flats details in his van glovebox if I want to see them. He says he wants the indecision over so i said what indecision and he ignored this question. Our son woke up and was poorly so the conversation ended.
    This morning he's text twice saying he loves me but my head is spinning over last night. In one way I want to get better for myself not just flick the switch as my husband said for his benefit- does that sound too harsh? If he's not got the patience to stick around because he needs so much why is he still here? Why can't he finish the indecision? If I do just do what he wants then like you say I'm going to be even more miserable because I'm not being true to myself- I am being what someone else wants me to be. I am annoyed at myself off not putting my point across thee and then but at 11 I click at night I am too tried I can't think straight. Maybe I should write if all down but I know his reaction will be angry and hurt but what else can I do?

    Wed 22, Jan 2014 at 8:45am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Just had a reply and he says that if I want his compassion I have to tell him I love him. if I can't tell him I love him he doesn't want to know. Help! Feels like emotional blackmail. My heart says get out because the reply I wanted was he be here no matter what and we can work together and he have the patience with my depression. My head says I can see his point of view but still says he's an a@@@.

    Wed 22, Jan 2014 at 10:44am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    It really does sound like emotional trauma for you. As you know I have a lot in common with your husband but I can see what's right and wrong. He's looking for some commitment from you. That may be physical in terms of sex or emotional by saying you love him but he knows deep down if you told him you loved him or were physical with him it wouldn't change your long term feelings. He's been looking at flats because he wants to feel that he's in control of his life. He'll have had a day where he's thought "right, I'm going to take control and decide what happens" then he's looked at a few flats and then the next day he'll have realised he's not ready for that change yet and not taken it any further.

    All you can do is be consistent with him. You don't feel comfortable being intimate with him and you've stuck to that. Whilst he may not like it, at least your not intimate then distant then intimate again. That would be unfair but that's not what your doing. He is giving you ultimatums like tell me you love or else! Because he's looking for a quick fix. I've been there! You need to decide what you want and what you want your life to be like. That's the most important aspect of all this. Once you now that then you can deal with him. Your depression is because of all the issues caused so the only way your going to deal with it is to get to a place where your content again. Would you be relieved if he packed up and left?

    He can see things are coming to a head anytime soon and he's not confident of it working out so he's becoming desperate and giving ultimatums. That's exactly what I did. I then moved past that phase and when I realised I had choices it got easier but it would have been a quicker process knowing what my wife wanted. If you decide you want to be with him but you want certain changes in your life together then explain that to him and if he decided he can't make those changes then he's made that decision and you've not wasted your time. If, as I suspect, you don't want to be with him anymore then the only question then is do you feel you may change your mind if you can just get some space from everything without the pressure of him being there every day or so you think it's terminal and you want a full separation?

    What would be unfair is to give any false hope or set any unrealistic expectations so things end. If you feel it's the end, be brave and do what's best for you and the kids. You'll naturally consider him because your not heartless but you have to look after number one. He's a big boy, if his depression is real then like you did, he can go and find the help he needs. The pressure on you is immense and I think he knows that and he's hoping you will crack and say "oh okay, we'll stay together and work things out". But he can't be stupid enough to think you'll be in the same situation in six months time but then you'll know how to handle everything with the experience you have gained in recent months so he may not get as much of a say next time.

    You need to try and stay calm and collected, decide what you want and tell him. I know that all signed really easy and I know it's anything but! You have lived like this for months now. From the outside looking in you don't ever seem to have softened to him and your attempts to seek counselling etc have been knocked back each time. You have done a lot to move things on but it seems he wants things the way they always have been and he can feel the control slipping through his fingers and he's very scared and upset about that.

    You can't be there to be his keeper and saviour or you'll just end up resenting him and you won't get better for yourself. At the moment he's trying to get you to be there for him so he feels wanted and you feel like you've got to stay, but as you said, who's there for you? He has prevented you seeking help for yourself in case that person makes you realise he's not for you. I know exactly how he feels but even though I can sympathise, I also know what's right and what's not. If you love someone or have loved someone you would want to be there for them regardless of what you may or may not get in return. At the moment he's thinking why should he give you anything if he can't get a hug in return but that's a bit selfish. As you say he should want to be there for you because of the unconditional love he has for you, not in order to get a hug a kiss or sex.

    You have become a lot stronger in recent weeks. You have the control over what you do and what happens. Of course his feelings matter, your not heartless but you need to be happy.

    What do you want??

    I'm here for you and look forward to hearing from you and what your thinking.

    Wed 22, Jan 2014 at 12:00pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you so much for that you have put down so easily what is going on in my head. Unfortunately my hubby doesn't see it like that, he's looking out for himself and keeping his bubble intact without knowing how much hurt he is causing. If his bubble is about to burst it seems he is making ultimatums to keep it from bursting. He doesn't realise my bubble has burst. I explained to him that I have stayed and waited trough all the comments good bad and damn right nasty, but he washed over this completely.
    Firstly I feel like well you're looking out for yourself so you don't care, why do I have to keep giving before I can have anything back? That's if he keeps to his word. The one time I ask for support and he refuses to give any until I put him on a pedestal and beg. That's how I feel. It's like I have to jump on his command before he puts the safety net out.
    If he left I would be okay short term. Long term I would worry about my decision and the impact on our children.
    If I stay I can see things going round in a great big circle and we back at square one, but I shall just pack and leave. When you take away the chores and underpants left about, there seems no real connection, it's like I'm good for him because I give him everything he wants.
    I feel he's only texting me I love you's to get the same response back, not because he feels it about me. Very confused and not sure what I really want. Yes it will be sad if we do go our separate ways as there is a nice side to my hubby, but that's a rarity and I'm starting to analyse if he's only nice when he wants something and when he doesn't get it he has a paddy.
    Yes I do feel for him because he needs hugs and sex but if I was consciously doing it out of spite then he has a point but it's out of depression. A valid reason if you like.
    I haven't replied yet, silence speaks louder than words at times and I need to get my thoughts straight.

    Wed 22, Jan 2014 at 12:45pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks for being a good listener and being here

    Wed 22, Jan 2014 at 12:46pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Just had another chat and he's says he's done everything he has because he needs me to say I love him and that he's really insecure. I said he's not moved on and he says no it's me, I said no I have but he hasn't because of all the iPhone tracking , etc. it went quiet. I said I have stuck through it all and he said its because I'm not strong enough to chuck him out.
    The more I think about it the more he doesn't wish to take responsibility for his side of things. Can I keep going like that- no because it will destroy us in the end- like it would any relationship. It's suppose to be teamwork - not chief and Indian!
    What to prepare to say for tonight when he comes home.

    Wed 22, Jan 2014 at 3:17pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Your more than welcome. I really enjoy our chats, maybe that's the wrong word, but glad I can be of some help and you really help me with my own situation and its generally nice to chat to someone else. Spend so many evenings on my own once my son is in bed I'd go mad if I didn't feel there was anyone else to talk to.

    Your so right about the bubble. Its like he's in the trenches. He's built a wall out of sand bags around himself and he feels as secure as possible when he's in the bunker. Every so often he'll pop his head up and if everything is calm he'll throw a few "I love you's" out in the hope you'll jump in the bunker with him where as if your standing your ground he'll throw some nasty comments your way in order to break you.

    All the turmoil seems to have prevented you getting to the bottom of what you want. I can imagine there's a part of you that would like him to leave as you know he still wants to be with you so you have that sort of security knowing that he would come back but at the same time it gives you that freedom to find yourself again. If that was to happen it would be easier for you as he's made his own decision rather than you having to make a decision like that and deal with the potential backlash with your experience of what's happened in the past.

    I think you need to buy yourself some space and time. This may mean being honest and frank with him. Again, its easier for me to sit here and write this but I do appreciate how hard it would be to say it as well as how hard it would be to hear it. Maybe you could tell him (if you haven't already) that you can't say you love him or rather are ion love with him, I'm sure you do love him. You could say you just don't know what you want and need anymore and you need time and space to decide and that the pressure of the whole situation isn't allowing you to do that. You could say that your hopeful that once you can get out of the pile of crap you've been buried under and clear your head your hopeful you can discover the root cause of the problem you will want to work things out. (which will take time as these problem where around 12 months ago before you saw the other bloke, and all you'll have in mind is the shit from the last 12 months). Don't promise anything as you simply can't. My best advice would be to stay concise and consistent. If you are up and down then he will be even more up and down. At least if your calm and say what your doing and do what your saying he will, eventually, understand you and hopefully respect that.

    Its so easy for a marriage to fall in to the trap of existing and you find your days full of work, looking after the kids, making tea, doing the washing and discussing household bills etc then you find you have got out of the habit of talking about anything outside the box. You right to consider the kids, of course you are, but I read a lot that the kids will be happier in the long run if the parents are happy. Even if one of the parents are happy that's surely better than two unhappy parents and if you were alone with them I'm sure you'd find it easier to have fun with them rather than worrying he'll think your not bothered by what's going on because your laughing and joking with the kids. That would make them happy and it would make you happy.

    Can I ask some things about you? We keep saying how you need to find yourself and discover what you want but it occurred to me that I may be the only one you get to talk to outside of your husband and all we do is talk about the problems. I'm not saying I don't want to talk about them but maybe if you could talk about what you used to like and what you might like to do again or anything new you would like to do and then you can think how these changes would affect your husband and if you think he could adapt. For example if you would love to go and do a cooking class two nights a week where you could have some time away from the kids and be around other people and learn some new skills. You may then be able to site your husband down and say that's what you'd like to do, so for one hour twice a week. He'll obviously be against it as he'll want to accuse you of wanting to be away from him etc or being up to something but you haven't done anything with anyone else during the worst time of your marriage over the last few months so you have no intention of doing anything wrong now apart from wanting to relax.

    What do you enjoy doing?
    What music do you like?
    What hobbies do or did you have that you enjoyed?
    What do you watch on TV?
    Whats makes you laugh?

    To make it easier i'll answer the questions first !!

    I enjoy all things football. I watch football (too much) and I manage my sons under 10's football team. I like to have a good meal and chat (as if you didn't know that).

    I like quite laid back music. In my car at the moment I have Gary Barlow's album, newton Faulkner, ed sherran and an Elton john tribure album (other artists singing his songs). I play the piano a bit so like piano based music.

    Need more hobbies. Going for the odd walk is as much as I do. Would like to learn a new language, Spanish for example as I have a cousin who lives there who I hope to see more in the coming years. I'd like to do a cooking course. I can cook but wouldn't mind being a bit better. Like a good puzzle as well. You would think I was 53 not 33.

    I watch the same thing over and over again !! I can never seem to be arsed watching the latest big show like 24 or anything like that. I watch the big bang theory and things like that. Chewing gum for the eyes as my friend would say. But if someone is watching something I have to know whats going on!

    I love stand up comedy shows, well if their funny! I like Micky Flanagan and people like that.

    I am not doing this as a kind of dating website thing or anything, I just thought how can you find out what you would like to do or what you liked if you can't talk about that. I think theres a time you find when the dust settles that you need to know who your are. Who is Marylin?? Mum and Wife but who else?

    If your not comfortable discussing these things, that's really not a problem. I'm sure you'd like to talk about something else for a change. Theres no reason why we can't do half and half, talk about whats going on and then general things.

    I might even make you laugh !!!!

    Wed 22, Jan 2014 at 3:50pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Just seen your last post. I imagine he' wants you to say something either way. As is natural neither person wants to make life changing decisions to leave or ask the other to leave. It would make whoever makes the decision that bad guy. Maybe he would go if you asked him to ask he could be the victim then. He could tell people you've done this and that and now you've thrown him out and its all poor him. Maybe part of you knows that and doesn't want him to be able to go around telling people your the bad guy without you being able to defend yourself. I know I feel like that sometime when my wife tells her family things that I've done wrong so she doesn't have to highlight her faults.

    Just be honest with him and yourself.

    You don't know what you want anymore. You admit you made a mistake but you've done your time and if he wants to be with you he needs to put the past behind him and move on. Work on the trust issues etc.

    You need time and space to assess what you want. It may be that you can continue to live together but you need time apart. Its suffocating to think that either one of you can think clearly sat in the same room as each other. The tension will mount and then spill over.

    He won't know it but it will be better for him to have space. He needs to take some time out as well. At the end of the day, he's worrying now about losing you "the wife and mother" and the change in seeing the kids every day. BUT he obviously hasn't forgotten the past and maybe he needs to work out if he could trust you again and move forward. It would be heart-breaking for both of you if you go through all this, work out a plan to move forward and get that excitement back only to find he just can't move past the affair. He may be wanting what he can't have at the moment (hugs, kisses, sex etc) but he needs to know if its truly you he wants and if he wasn't the YOU that you want to be.

    You weren't happy so you had an affair, there's no point in going back to the way things were before the affair because you weren't happy then. He might have been but you weren't!

    Whatever you do now, needs to be what you'll do forever to some degree. If he says he'll just check your phone for a few weeks then he'll stop, it wont work. If he asks to track you for a few weeks to put his mind at rest it wont work. If he says that you can go to a night class but only in a few months, then it wont work.

    Its unreasonable to expect him to trust you over night. Not wanting to put you down in any way, but you both have to know that he can trust you again and work together to build that trust back. Lots and lots of people get over these problems so its not impossible but I don't think you can move forward unless the future relationship you build is better than ever. More fun, more communication, more time together, time away from each other etc etc etc.

    He needs to realise this is a chance for both of you to get the life you want and deserve. I'm sure in the cold light of day he doesn't want a relationship with no trust and no fun. He may think he'll be happier with whatever as long as he has you but how long can you live with someone who you don't make happy.

    I've been in that place when you think you'll find a way of being happy as long as my wife and kids are there but at some point my wife would resent me and I would not be happy making someone else unhappy.

    Wed 22, Jan 2014 at 4:28pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi
    Last post very true I had said to him don't trust me and he needs to start to work on that but I feel it's on deaf ears, I am quite happy for him to play the victim I figure that those who wish to know both sides will ask not gossip. Those are the people I need in my life. Anyway he came home and acted like nothing had happened, still forced hugs and that because "he needs hugs" - his words not mine.
    Thank you for your insight into anon234. I like the comedy and tv that you do. I like to watch QI when able and any little two part dramas- couldn't do downtown Abbey or such like!
    Basically I am a mud muck and wellies person, I don't do handbags shoes or makeup - I may straighten my hair the odd time but that's it.
    I loved working with horses abc love everything about horses, walking the dog over fields and I loved running early morning watching the sunrise over the fields. Soppy I know you are probably laughing!
    I did do homemaking too.
    If I went out for dinner ( pubs it these bistro places!) I like a good steak with all the trimmings and puddings I love apple crumble and custard! Goodness can't believe I just wrote that! You must think I'm mad.
    Anyway have a good day, thank you for your support it's nice to have someone to vent to.
    Take care

    Thu 23, Jan 2014 at 7:02am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Morning,
    Ill bet you were worrying about the conversation that was in store for you and thinking of what to say and then he came home and nothing happened! Must have been very frustrating for you. I think there will come a point when you just stop caring to some degree. It's sad he won't accept he has a role to play and sit down and talk openly without it all being about him. I think you'd really appreciate some humility from him where he confronts his faults and shows he is aware of them and what he thinks he can do to change them. Your right not to worry about what irrelevant people think and say but it is hard to know there's a lie out there about you. My mother in law gets my son after school and she's always making wants to him that I'm this or that. The only reason I don't confront her is she would be a pain with my son then and she just likes to have a good bitch and moan about people because her life is un eventful.

    Apple crumble and custard sounds great! I tend to go for sticky toffee pudding most times. I love eating out. There a tapas place near me that I really like. I have a habit of wanting lots of little things. I enjoy all the starters at an Indian or Chinese rather than the main meals but a good country pub is always great.

    Have you completely stopped doing the things you used to do? I take it you ride horses, is that something you still do or not? Seem like the perfect thing to do with the kids if you aren't doing it already. As for the sunsets, I'm conscious of not sounding like a dating website, but that sounds perfect! I like things like that, I'm not in to flash things, just like a nice easy going day out enjoying the scenery and the fresh air followed by a good hearty country pub meal in front of an open fire and maybe a pint or two. I know it's far from your mind but I'm sure someone who enjoys the simple things in life wouldn't be alone for long. Seems a shame that your husband couldn't make the effort, assuming he hasn't, to ask what you like and take part in that. How much different would it make if on Sunday you all got wrapped up and went for a nice walk and ended up at a nice pub where they made the best apple crumble and custard, when i say the best, I mean the best because they serve it in a fruit bowl and it's filled to the brim!! With all the slightly burnt edges of the crumble all a sticky mess around the bowl!!!!!!!

    I like QI and the odd two parter like silent witness. I like watching the 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on a Friday as well.

    Thanks for showing me the other side of you. Hopefully we can share a laugh to try and break through the dark clouds over us at the moment, even if it's just for a second or two. What do you do for a living? I work freelance in the construction industry as an estimator/ QS so I'm based at home most of the time. I have been offered a full time job with someone and hopefully the money will be so good I can't turn it down. Always enjoyed my freedom but with an uncertain future ahead personally I could do with some financial security.

    Have a good day. Happy for you to vent my way anytime. Speak soon

    Thu 23, Jan 2014 at 8:14am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi you sound a bit more cheery today. How are things going I got so wound up ranting I forgot to ask how you are - sorry. Didn't mean to be insensitive.
    Which footy team do you support? Must be rewarding to teach footy and fun. Your description if Apple crumble made me chuckle!
    I did a lot with horses- worked in some stables and watched mares have their foals and train them up. Dearly miss them. I miss cantering over the hills and feeling so free like nothing can touch me. Would love to ride along a beach one day, but I know that will never happen. I'd love to go to canada but I'm not very good with flying! Been sorting out the house a bit and found my old horse stuff- it bought a tear or two. Especially my grandmas letter from years ago saying how proud my grandad would of been knowing I've taken an interest in horses and following his footsteps. I've sort of realised how much I've given up and how my life has diverted. Always thought having children was a joint effort, give and take. I read on Facebook old school friends who still do their hobbies after children and I think how do they do it?
    So in answer to your question, I don't do any of my hobbies anymore- like my hubby said that's the sacrificed you make for having children. Every time I say can I do this or train for this run he's like who'd having the children? We do the caravanning which was my adopted hobby if you like but I don't get a break with that either. He stood at the door today and said I love you and waited over me for a response. I just said goodbye then and carried on with my children. Seems we are on stand off, maybe we should walk ten paces in opposite directions turn and argue!
    Speak soon and treat yourself to toffee pudding! (Please excuse spelling mistakes iPhones are very tricky to tap on)

    Thu 23, Jan 2014 at 1:27pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Trying to be positive really for both our sakes! Wife is away all week so apart from the odd text we don't really have any contact so things can't get better or worse really. I support Everton (I don't live in Liverpool though). As for my little under 10's team. It's supposed to be fun but having 12 lads all with different family situations, different attentions spans and different level of ability is bloody hard work! It's like herding cats sometimes. Luckily I've only had to apologies once for swearing at one of the kids!! But to be honest he only turns up to wind me up!!

    My son had a few horse riding lessons recently but he didn't stick at it. Sounds like a real life shift to do so much with horses and then nothing. Caravaning?? Not for me really. I can see the appeal of a static caravan but having to lug something to different places and be stuck in those confines when the kids are playing up and they weather is bad would drive me insane! No kids, wine and some candles might be different but my wife would step foot in a caravan. Both her and our daughter have an unjustified snobbish side! Can't imagine your rushing to go out in it as things are at home.

    I need to get some hobbies. I need to be in a place to mix with people and meet new people. With all the various social media and things in the world it seems harder than ever to meet people. I've never been on face book, I maintain Facebook will destroy the world as we know it!

    Funny you mention canada, I was talking to my friend who I used to have a company with on Saturday who moved to Vancouver and discussing when I could get chance to go over there. His life sounds absolutely perfect. Goes to work, comes home, nips up to whistler mountain to snowboard and then gets home for tea!!

    Hope your okay. I know what you mean about tapping on an iPhone I'm doing just that. I find it hard because i can't refer back to what you've said as easy as I can when I'm at my desk. I always re read things to make sure I've not missed anything.

    As for him wanting an I love you back today, if you can't say it back then you can't. Whilst I feel for him in some way, it really is best to be honest and consistent. If you throw an I love you out without it being what you want to say you'll change everything and when you become distant again he'll find it even harder to cope.

    Look forward to hearing from you. I might have a good old rant your way later. Son goes to bed at 9pm then I'm sat on my own watching crap on TV, maybe I'll get in my soap box and let loose.

    Keep smiling!

    Thu 23, Jan 2014 at 3:46pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sounds like you enjoy your footy! Must say I don't really do footy my dad is footy mad has always supported Chelsea (apologies for that!) have you searched for 'man shed' I saw it on the one show a while back and it's all for blokes having rant and fixing stuff. Maybe there's one in your area? Any other hobbies you'd like to try?
    I understand the caravanning thing when it's fun it's fun but when the weather turns it's a nightmare, especially if hubby is still out fishing.
    The sound if Canada from your friend sounds lovely. My parents friends have always been every year and still they bring me back a calendar. Very sweet and thoughtful. I just love the scenery and he community spirit that is there. Was going to save and do a three month road trip at some point. We shall see. I've thought about a scrap book to try and put focus in what I would like to achieve, not just for myself but my children. At some stage I would love to take my children on the train journey in Switzerland, my son lives his trains to the point if obsession and wants to be a train driver! Bug maybe we should start with the one that goes to the top of the hills in Wales! I think it's there I'm thinking of?
    Feel free to rant anytime that's what here for, you seem so calm and collected putting a lid on it all, like you say just don't forget to keep living and smiling!

    Thu 23, Jan 2014 at 4:37pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Afternoon,

    I have to be calm as I've spent days, weeks and months worrying about things and nothing I've done has made life easier or better apart from relaxing and staying calm. I still find myself think "I'd really like to do that" and then thinking how it may look to my wife and if it would put further strain on our marriage! Its daft really considering she's not here all week and she's so stubborn its unbelievable. Sometime I think it would be easier if she put her cards on the table and was honest, but as you know I've said that all before. That's why being consistent is very important. We are still intimate at times. Last week she left me a message after I'd gone to bed and she was away saying how much she loved me, said on Saturday she wants to be with me forever (both said after a few glasses of wine I might add) and this week she's hardly spoke to me so its taken a while to find a level I can just read between the lines and think rationally about everything. I've come to terms with the fact it may be the end and in some ways I'm excited about what the future may hold for me so I know now theres life after this if it does end.

    I like that we're on the same wavelength! If I was to have a rant, one of them would be about the lack of community spirit these days. We've gone so far down the line since the good old days (before my time) when people looked out for each other that I would be seen as the strange one if I went to introduce myself to a new neighbour or anything. I live in a cul de sac of 11 houses and within those houses there are lot of characters and skills yet most people don't know what their neighbours do. How many time are they doing a job in the garden or something and I think I have nothing to do i'll go and help and then they should return the favour, but those days are long gone. I'm 6' 4" tall and whilst not fat I'm not a bean pole so I can understand I may look a little threatening when someones walking towards me(I'm not threatening in any way!) but I always smile and say hello and people either ignore me or look shocked that I've said hello.

    COME ON ENGLAND WHERE IS THE COMMUNITY SPIRIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    As for hobbies, I found a website called spicer Manchester which organises activities like indoor climbing etc for groups so you can just register that your going and tag along and try new things and meet new people. I like a good walk, but no one else I know does so I end up walk alone. I had a good walk along the canal the other week, walked 6 or 7 miles and then had a pie and a pint and caught the train back. That was always the plan by the way, I didn't just give up ! My wife an I were separate for a few months before we got married and I met a woman who was a good friend, we were never a couple, just each needed a friend at the time. She was always full of idea of what to do which I really liked. i'll give anything a go but after years of doing the same old thing I'm not in the habit of doing new things. I think of things I'd like to do but I get down hearted when I realise theres no point in suggesting my idea because she wont like it, I've learnt from years of experience!

    Just a quick thought - When you thought about the scrap book did you worry your husband might find it or in anyway get put off it because of him??

    Enjoying the positive conversation! Still here for the bad stuff as well, don't forget that.

    I'm going to be honest and admit in my lonely time the other night I was once again looking for a place to meet new people. I ended up joining make friends. But as usual its a dating website. I put myself on saying I was looking for friends as I'd lost touch with a few friends. Im deleting it tonight. I find myself worrying about what people I will never meet think and when it comes to sending messages, I must come across like a right idiot. Why cant there be a simple website called "because of everything that happens in life, I find myself without the large group of friends I used to have, I would like to meet people who understand and or in the same situation, for purely friendship" .co.uk !

    As I've said in a previous post I might set up a group, not a singles group, just a group for people who don't have enough opportunities to meet like minded people. Going back to community spirit if I find myself sat on train when there are people sat either side of the table and we all know we are going to be there for an hour or so and no one talks! I'm a nosy bugger so I always like to speak to people and find out about people.

    Maybe I'm just weird ????

    Thu 23, Jan 2014 at 6:04pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Afternoon,

    How are you today? Any improvement at home or is it still a stand off?

    Preparing myself mentally for my workshop tomorrow. Apparently there will be lying on the floor for meditation. Can't decide whether to take my pillow! Have to watch I don't drink to much tonight or they'll be meditating and I'll be fast asleep. I can't decide what type of people will be there and how many blokes will be there. I have this image of walking in in my normal weekend wear, jeans and a t shirt to find the place is packed with women in tie dyed skirted and no shoes waving the arms side to side going with the energy. I'll go to shake hands and they'll want to hug as were are all one big family! I keep making these jokes, it will be full of normal people and I'll feel let down I have worried so much and have no jokes to make!!

    What's in store for your weekend? Do you look to get away from the tension and the questions or do you do all the chores and mundane stuff and let your mind work overtime?!?!

    Out in Manchester tonight and as I haven't been drinking lately I thought I'd warm up last night with a few beers.
    Think it's done the trick! You wouldn't go a 10k without limbering up before. Up there for thinking down there for dancing! Can't decide tonight whether to go to the, shall we say, more common areas and get in to some karaoke or stick to the more upmarket place and have my belly tickled with the price of the drinks!!

    My little dream is to find an open mike piano bar and show off my skills! I can knock out one of three songs
    I know and sing along badly but I'd love to perform at least once!

    What's your secret dream/ guilty pleasure? That's my dream, my guilty pleasure is that song "let's hear it for the boy" trashy 80's electric pop song. De do de do do, do do de do da do, maybe he's my Romeo and he's my loving one man soul woh woh woh woh woh, lets hear it for the boy!!

    Awesome

    Fri 24, Jan 2014 at 12:43pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Afternoon,

    How are you today? Any improvement at home or is it still a stand off?

    Preparing myself mentally for my workshop tomorrow. Apparently there will be lying on the floor for meditation. Can't decide whether to take my pillow! Have to watch I don't drink to much tonight or they'll be meditating and I'll be fast asleep. I can't decide what type of people will be there and how many blokes will be there. I have this image of walking in in my normal weekend wear, jeans and a t shirt to find the place is packed with women in tie dyed skirted and no shoes waving the arms side to side going with the energy. I'll go to shake hands and they'll want to hug as were are all one big family! I keep making these jokes, it will be full of normal people and I'll feel let down I have worried so much and have no jokes to make!!

    What's in store for your weekend? Do you look to get away from the tension and the questions or do you do all the chores and mundane stuff and let your mind work overtime?!?!

    Out in Manchester tonight and as I haven't been drinking lately I thought I'd warm up last night with a few beers.
    Think it's done the trick! You wouldn't go a 10k without limbering up before. Up there for thinking down there for dancing! Can't decide tonight whether to go to the, shall we say, more common areas and get in to some karaoke or stick to the more upmarket place and have my belly tickled with the price of the drinks!!

    My little dream is to find an open mike piano bar and show off my skills! I can knock out one of three songs
    I know and sing along badly but I'd love to perform at least once!

    What's your secret dream/ guilty pleasure? That's my dream, my guilty pleasure is that song "let's hear it for the boy" trashy 80's electric pop song. De do de do do, do do de do da do, maybe he's my Romeo and he's my loving one man soul woh woh woh woh woh, lets hear it for the boy!!

    Awesome

    Fri 24, Jan 2014 at 12:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi Dan234,
    Currently at home due to my son being really poorly. So hopefully no mother in law trip this weekend! Fat chance but worth the argument!
    Good that you have got some things off your chest, just gets rid of the circles going round in your head.
    Sounds like Saturday is going to be fun either way you will come out laughing about something. Keep those spirits up!
    You seem quiet jolly with your jokes Singing away sounds like fun and great that you play the piano. Love the 80s theme, im in my thirties so remember some eighties music from my childhood. I have no such talents. Enjoy your night out and relax! Don't even think about home life just forget for a while.
    Here. Hubby is just acting like nothing was ever said and is planning our house move, holidays, etc, etc.. Not taken anything on board. Wasted my breath again for the last time. Getting back to being me, still have the bad days but I keep reminding myself of my children's smiles that gets me through. As for the scrap book I would keep it at work or under the bed! I doubt if hubby found it he would think its relevant anyway.
    Enjoy your weekend and freetime.

    Fri 24, Jan 2014 at 12:55pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hope your son is better soon. But if you gets you out of the trip to the mother in laws, maybe hope he's better Sunday night! I don't know whether your being a little cheeky to seem to imply I'm an old bugger! I'm only 33, old head on young shoulders. My wife is slightly older and a number of my friends are older but I can still mix it with the young ones, as long they're happy to leave the club at 10.30pm so we can drink some water and get an early night!

    I can sort of understand your husbands stance. Maybe he's realised you aren't exactly sold on the future together so maybe he's decided if he doesn't force those difficult conversations you may not give him any bad news. Strange to talk about the future things but again, it's probably a covert way of seeing if your still planning to be there in the coming months. If he asks outright will you be together in May, its tough question to ask and he may not want further uncertainty or to force you in to a decision one way or another. If he just talks about the future it's all on you to start the conversation that you may not be around then!!

    You don't need to add the numbers on to my name. I'm out and about today and finished earlier than expected. Might go and have a look around the retail park near where I am and see if I can get a new shirt or something for tonight and treat myself to lunch. If you ever needed any house advice you could always have a look for acumen building solutions, the bloke there is great at all things building and he's always available for a chat. Blessing and curse of the internet when you have a company! Your details are all over the web for everyone to find. Might be more interesting than watching loose woman!! Or is it Thomas the tank for your son?

    Fri 24, Jan 2014 at 1:14pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you. Thomas the tank it is!
    Oh yes the joys of the web! Enjoy your shopping and lunch. Have a good time.
    If you're an old bugger then so am I - same age- but who said you have to act your age?
    Take care

    Fri 24, Jan 2014 at 2:05pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Have a nice afternoon. Shame your sons ill but at least you get some one on one time with him. Have a good weekend and hope all stays calm for you.

    Take care and speak to you soon

    Fri 24, Jan 2014 at 2:22pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Here's one for you to ponder as you sit watching the same Thomas episode you've seen many times before: -

    If next week someone whisked the kids off somewhere fun and had them for the week where they would be happy and safe. Your husband went finishing for the week and you had £5k to use solely for your week alone.

    What would you do?

    I think I would book somewhere nice in Italy. Somewhere amongst the cobbles streets I've seen on the TV. I'd immerse myself in the culture and sit outside with a latte each morning before strolling through the vineyards and tasting wine (it would all taste the same to me, but sounds sophisticated). Relax late afternoon before walking round the bustling nightlife and finding a little restaurant I can sit and enjoy a nice meal and glass of end or local beer and watch the world go by. Then head to beach and sit by a fire listening to the sound of the sea, then being woken up (fell asleep after a big meal and wine) by the sunrise over the horizon before heading back (obviously as it's a perfect week, all the sand would not be everywhere and I would spend an hour ridding myself of the stuff)..
    Repeat the above until money runs out!!!

    PS - are you okay with talking about things like this? I'm conscious of coming across in the wrong way. I just like to talk about other things so we get a break from the problems whilst at the same time providing support etc.

    Fri 24, Jan 2014 at 2:57pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how's your night out?

    New level here hubby keeps on touching me at any time and it really unnerves me. Just hasn't listened at all. New level of keeping tabs on me as he set up my iPhone to talk to the iPad. All my contacts, etc there for him to dabble in, watch my messages. No wonder I haven't received some messages back and no wonder he wanted me to have an iPhone. It infuriates me because he just can't help himself, so I've deleted all iCloud and got an idea to delete my mail address too if he's going to abuse the fact. When I asked him about it he denied it and said does it matter? I said yes because you did it without asking me first! If someone else had got hold of the iPad it's numbers that are not for public eye without permission from the number owner. He's pushing us further away and can't see it. Really starting to resent and mistrust his motives.
    Not even bothered his son has tonsillitis and blames me because we like to be outside. It's the fresh air you know that's made him ill, not anything else! He is succeeding in winding me up but if it doesn't improve I think it's time to quit. He probably has tabs on this website too.
    Hope you are having a fab time, sorry for rant but arrrggggghhhhhh!
    If I had five grand I think I would go on safari and bring back photos for my children, then tour Scotland if any pennies and time left.

    Sat 25, Jan 2014 at 9:23am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Good morning,

    I can sense the frustration pouring out! You don't need me to say its wrong and how unhealthy that all is. He's marked you down as untrustworthy etc and he is spying to catch you out so he can feel validated in his thoughts. He won't be connecting the emotions of being a father with what's happening between you. As I said he's in the bunker and he won't do anything that makes his position weaker, that includes showing compassion for your son.

    Night out was really good. Had a nice meal and then drank too much. Still in bed as I could even think about driving to myindfulness thing. Opportunity for setting new, missed!!

    Try and relax and stay calm. You know that no marriage can carry on like that. Is he going to stop, are you going to tolerate it or is it time to get some space from each other?

    Take care, speak soon, deep breaths!!

    Sat 25, Jan 2014 at 10:34am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ooh sorry hope you feel better soon. At least you went out!
    Once calmed down will think about things logically just needed a rant in a supposed safe area! Thank you again. Lots if results for building solutions - not very technically minded when it comes to internet. Took enough time getting an email set up!
    Speak soon

    Sat 25, Jan 2014 at 10:59am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    The alka seltzer is working away to bring me back to life so I'll be okay soon!

    Rant away whenever you like! Search (this comment has been edited by a moderator, it is against the Terms and conditions of site to use it to contact other posters other than on the site). I took the website off because it was rubbish and I think having no website is better than having a poor one as people can't judge you. 😀.

    One thing to be kind of pleased about is that you realise what he's doing is wrong. You could have played the down trodden wife and accepted it as your punishment but I think you've been punished enough with what's gone on!

    Speak soon

    Sat 25, Jan 2014 at 11:34am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how are you feeling today did you make your class?

    Sun 26, Jan 2014 at 9:56am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Morning,

    Still feeling very delicate! Haven't eaten since Friday night and I'm feeling very sorry for myself. Luckily footy has been cancelled this morning so I don't need to brave the freezing rain. Think I might go and do some shopping, find a nice pub with an open fire, read my paper and have something good to eat.

    How are you doing? Is it all calm or is it still pistols at dawn?

    Sun 26, Jan 2014 at 10:43am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Oh dear poor you. How'd things with you, is your wife back yet?
    My son is getting better which is a relief.
    Things are still the same, hubby asks if I want a hug if I say no he comes over anyway, flings his arms around me and holds on tight. He puts a pout face on infront of my face waiting for me to kiss him. If I don't I'm mean and not trying, so complied like a good wifey.i know I should be consistent but he's wearing me down, he also had a face like a slapped backside since I changed all my pass codes and deleted iCloud, yet he won't bring up the issue. Whenever I'm on the phone or computer he comes over to check what I'm doing but if I do it to him it's a no no. Looks like I will have to roll over and let him do as he pleases. Yes I understand a Mans needs but when i have made a good day don't take advantage, have said this to him but it washes over. Once I do give in we shall be back in the same marital state we was a year ago, I just won't run away and have an affair. I shall leave. I have talked about it all three times now to him. Spelled it out in text messages and he still doesn't get it. Needless to say we had another bad conversation before bed of which I cannot repeat on here due to subject matter and language, just not pleasant at all. Question is how much longer do I give it for him to get his head out from his backside? Please tell me if I'm being ridiculous in all of this , I need someone to keep me grounded!

    Sun 26, Jan 2014 at 2:32pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    So sorry to hear it's got to that stage, again. Firstly, glad your son is on the mend. Couldn't decide of that was, in a strange way, a blessing as you had a reason to not give husband attention or a curse you couldn't do anything to get out of the house etc.

    As go the rest of your post. I suppose the question which has been skirted around if we are honest is what is it you want and do you think there will ever come a time when he can be the one to give it to you? If you struggle to hug and kiss him let alone anything else, it's obviously a hell of a long way back to happy and smiley sneaking around have fun when the kids aren't looking and being all romantic again. I don't know if that's something that's ever been there or something you want again, but I know would not cope if I didn't get the romantic side of a relationship back.

    You sound a lot more assured and as I've said before very much starting to take control. That's what is appears to be, a battle for control. He wants it all because his army background and maybe the way it's been in the past. You've decided that's its time for that to change and your right to change your codes etc. His reaction is to say nothing so you think he's not bothered and he can automatically think you've got something to hide. That's obviously a lack of trust and if that's not getting worked on its only going to get worse. Like me, you've existed in limbo for a while now and maybe it's coming to the crunch. Stay as you are and settle for what you have and hope for more or make real change in your life. Again, really easy for me to say but we seem to match each other's lives step for step. I have realised this weekend I doubt I will ever trust my wife again and there's a whole world out there. What do you want? Your 33, a long time left!

    Hope your okay, speak soon

    Sun 26, Jan 2014 at 7:29pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    How are you today? Have you calmed down after yesterday? After months of not drinking I met with a friend of mine to talk about some business ideas and ended up having a few drinks. Slept in the spare room when u got back and as I'd have to leave my car wife thought I hadn't come home. She didn't bother looking for that fact my keys, wallet, coat etc where in my office (at home obviously). Not did she bother ringing or texting me!

    Having a slow start to the day. The joys of working for yourself! Although sitting watching TV doesn't pay my usual hourly rate!!

    Hope your okay and your son is still on the mend.

    Speak soon

    Mon 27, Jan 2014 at 12:24pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi
    How's the tv watching? Must of been a bit soul destroying that your wife appeared not bothered, or did you expect that? Any words mentioned in the morning or did she slope off to work without a word? Sounds as though you are in stand off too, any more idea on what you want to do.
    Having a day off with my son just to make sure he's okay, tonsillitis reoccurs frequently with him so thought better to be safe than sorry.
    Have had a little think and this morning, hubby stood over me until I said I love you back to him as he went out the door, seems take care and have a good day wasn't enough. Do you do these things too or gone past that stage? Hubby says he may well be working away in march which may give time on both sides to reflect but then I think it's not fair to carry on like we are until then. But hubby seems happy to turn a blind eye and focus on what he wants anyway no matter the effect on others.
    If I settle nothing will improve in our marriage, if I try to improve our marriage it doesn't seem to have the desired effect either. If I walk away I worry about my children and the effect on them . It all swims round in my head - like it must do yours- just like you say can't keep going round in circles just end up dizzy with no real outcome.
    Speak soon - off to make a cuppa

    Mon 27, Jan 2014 at 1:20pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    It's great watching TV then going in to my office to do a bit of work and then sorting back down again. Got some estimating to do so I think I need to be a bit more with it before I go playing with numbers! No doubt you've got a day of Thomas ahead of you!

    Wife was a bit arsey this morning but only because she had to re arrange her day as she didn't think I was in, nothing to do with the situation! Yes it's a stand off. I was telling my mate all about it last night and when I laid it all out there again, how could I ever believe anything she says. She still makes no effort to keep in touch or to discuss anything and I've spent months trying to sort things out with no joy. Maybe it's just time to move on, well to carry on moving on. We still say I love you sometimes and there is a bit of passion but lust and a few nice words aren't the basis to revive a marriage. Had fun with my friends over the weekend and saw there may be life after this. I miss being able to spoil someone and be romantic and fun with.

    Do you want to turn your marriage around? For any other reason than the kids? I know that's a very direct question but if I was to be honest with you, I'm not sure you do. As I said before it's an enormous mountain to climb to a happy and worthwhile marriage if you can't even bring yourself to kiss him or say you love him. I'm really sorry if that's come over as really strong. I don't mean it to.

    He needs to take responsibility for his actions since you admitted your mistakes. I would expect it should have been a few weeks of anger and hard conversations but then you have to start moving forward. There would always be relapses when questions pop in to his head about the affair but there has to be an obvious shift forward or as we both know you end up in a spin going no where!

    I want to start having some fun again! And I'm sure you do to! 33 isn't old enough to settle.

    How was the cuppa?

    Mon 27, Jan 2014 at 2:58pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Just found out hubby hasn't paid our rent since last November so tonight's chat is going to be interesting. Questions to ask where's he money, what's his plans, why, etc, etc

    Mon 27, Jan 2014 at 3:30pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Just found out hubby hasn't paid our rent since last November so tonight's chat is going to be interesting. Questions to ask where's he money, what's his plans, why, etc, etc

    Mon 27, Jan 2014 at 3:30pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Oh dear!! The plot thickens! Is there any part of you that is in some way glad as he has let you and the family down and you may have stronger reasons of his doing to make a change and leave?

    Just a thought!

    I hope your okay, must be worrying times especially with your son being ill. I'm here if you need anything, in sure you've found that mobile number by now if you ever need to rant! (A moderator reminds the poster that he is operating against the T&Cs of site by trying to set up contact with another user offsite. see above)

    Speak soon

    Mon 27, Jan 2014 at 5:59pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    How did things go last night? Hope everything is okay.

    Speak soon

    Tue 28, Jan 2014 at 3:57pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi not good horrid things said but no resolve back to acting as though nothing has been said. How's things with your wife? Decided yet or just plodding along.

    Tue 28, Jan 2014 at 7:06pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    Sorry to hear that. Just know someone else is in the same mess so your not alone!

    Has he sorted the rent? Regardless of what's happening between you, you need to know your home is sorted and there's no chance of eviction etc. How are you feeling generally?

    Things are okay here. I think I'm moving on and she's not fighting to save anything. So I'm content and I'm feeling positive as I have spent some time away from the shit at home and it's like the cloud has parted and I've stopped sitting there thinking there's nothing I can do to thinking about all they things I can and want to do. New hobbies, new places to visit and basically a new life.

    I can only say it's massively liberating!!! I'm still here for you and after knowing you for as long as I have and sharing our issues and our thoughts etc so I feel your input has helped me immensely to get to this place so I want to do what I can to help you get to where your happy again! Still a long road to walk but lean on me whenever!!

    Tue 28, Jan 2014 at 7:34pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how's things?
    Rent is sorted but the lies he told the landlord! For instance he said he was getting a large endowment maturing to pay things off but in reality he's asked his mum for money because I said he needs to sort this one I'm not bailing him out! He also said he's done work to the house and he hasn't, let alone nig told me what he's said to the landlord - the poor landlord is like piggy in the middle!
    Hubby hassle also asked his mum for money to buy a house and she said yes in the spring and everything inside screams that I don't want to buy a house with him - nothing has changed again since the other night and to stand over me and say I'm making him angry and look at me like he's going to hurt something if he doesn't get his way - I really don't want to - if I say how I feel he gets all huffy again and says it's my fault for having an affair. I just don't have a choice. My mental health worker has been in the phone but I'm even scared to phone them because I feel I'm doing my hubby and injustice - why I have no idea. I'm think I'm so very lost.

    Thu 30, Jan 2014 at 6:56am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    Sounds like your husband is desperately fighting for control over anything and everything. All you can do is take a step back, stay calm and look at things rationally and seperate the games he's playing from the real life issues. You can't go on feeling threatened by him, that's taking you back to what happened in the first weeks after you told him what had happened. You should absolutely speak to the counsellor regardless of what he thinks or says. Again, I wonder if him not wanting you to speak to anyone is a way of keeping control so no one else can possibly be advising you to do something he doesn't want. But that's not a counsellor a job. They're there to help you understand what's going on with you and depending on the type of counselling that suits you, show you how to cope better.

    You seem very 'scatter gun' again today. The last few posts have been quite calm and you've seemed in control but I sense from this last one your all over the place again with the news about buying a house etc. I suppose that's something you weren't thinking about and now he's thrown it on to the big pile of problems your trying to sort through!

    I suppose we go back to what it is you want. Staying longer than maybe you would have because of the kids is one thing but staying because your scared is not right and whilst I completely understand, I worry for you and how you could get to a point you were happy if the moving on process with your husband started out of fear. I'm sure the counsellor has already told you before they started assuming you've spoken to them once, that everything you say is in strict confidence unless they feel your in danger of anything. I say this so you know that they may take something out of your hands, which may ultimately be for the best if they could help you get the space you need without feeling threatened but obviously it's going to be a difficult things thrust upon you in some way if they decide to take it further on your behalf. I really don't want to scare you but just wanted you to know if you didn't already.

    Are you managing to concentrate at work etc and be okay around the kids? Must be tough. I've had a very strange week so far really. Nothing has changed with my wife but I feel like I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions in the space of a day or so. I hope I'm reaching the tipping point. Last night I managed to sleep in the same bed as her and sleep soundly without thinking of her and managed to feel at ease really. I think at the weekend I had thoughts of moving on and then when things started to fall in to place I felt some panic and worry. It was as if I was in a wave pool and I had let go of the side. I was thrown all over the place and it was both exciting and frightening. Then I found the edge of the pool again and realised that I can throw myself in to the deep end as ill always have that safety rail not too far away. I suppose I stayed away from home for the weekend, had some fun, met some people and thought about moving on fully and then the panic of all that set in and I felt like I had made a decision I wasn't ready for. Then last night I was sat at home and realised I don't have to do anything or go anywhere if I don't want to. This is my home and I decide when it's time to leave be it for a night or forever. Hope that makes sense, writing it has helped me make sense of my feelings this week!

    What did you ever do with your letter that you started? I'm assuming you never have it to him but did you discover anything about yourself and your feeling whilst writing it?

    Hope your okay. Have a good day, speak soon

    Thu 30, Jan 2014 at 9:08am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi oh dear not good for you either, just keep focusing on what you need. If she wants to make an effort and join in she will. How is your son?
    I am all over the place just not good I find myself with a short patience and I hate myself but hubby is around full time and he's driving me mad! Even my children joined me in the kitchen because they wanted mummy to play not daddy/ I was cooking dinner/.
    Don't know where to go or what to do. Cohnsellir speaks sense but I change so much when hubby around. Now he's being all nicely nicely doing some washing up etc and I think it's all too late why doing this now? I see through it some days but then doubt myself the other days. Why am I like this I don't know. Wits end again

    Thu 30, Jan 2014 at 5:44pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I really feel for you. You've been trying to do the right thing for so long and you've had everything turned and twisted to suit his perception or point of view on everything. You may wonder why you even bothered to do the right thing and tell him at all. Stay string and calm and like you say to me, concentrate on what you want and don't accept anything less with the exception of something very short term if it's in the kids best interested but as harsh as it sounds, in order to get the life you want and what's best for the kids in the long term you need to be selfish at times. The kids will have to endure some upset at some time and that's painful to watch I know but they like you have a long time to go yet and I'm sure they'd give up a short period of upset to see mum and dad happy again together or apart. Certainly seems like your in need if a break. It's all easy to say from here and I really understand the emotions your feeling now.

    He's probably feeling a bit lonely and left out and helping with the dishes is a way of being involved in the family stuff as well as trying to show you what a good husband he is.

    Your going to be changing you mind each day depending on your mood and what's happened but you know inside what you want and it seems your getting annoyed when something that's isn't what you want starts happening like hubby interfering etc. Life goes on but you can choose the quality and enjoyment of your life and only you can do that and you CAN do that. You changed without noticing but maybe you too are approaching the tipping point in your life and it can be daunting when you get there.

    My son is okay, I spent some time with my step daughter in Leeds today and speaking to her and getting her view on things (even though she's only 19) was very good and made it easier to consider the next step in my life!

    It's nearly the weekend anyway, don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing for either of us! The day to day working life does make things easier during the week when time together is limited!

    Hope you cooked something good!! How's your son? Has he recovered?

    Take care, speak soon

    Thu 30, Jan 2014 at 7:10pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks, how's your weekend? Good you have others to talk to, must bd helpful having so many different inputs.
    Having a nice time out at my parents today, no hubby, everyone smiley and laughing. Nice to see and z nice distraction.
    Was cooking chilli. Do you like spicy food?
    Got a phone appointment with a counsellor next week during my lunch, wait and see what happens. Just starting to give up on it all now. Is it really worth wanting something better that makes you happy or just stick with the 'norm' and make the most of it, keep everyone's else's bubbles happy? Big sigh.
    Take care and speak soon.

    Sat 1, Feb 2014 at 3:42pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Bet it was nice to have a day away from everything surrounded by people who have your best interests at heart! You've got to do what makes you happy. Maybe at this moment you don't need to make a life changing decision like leaving but maybe you can find more things to make you happier. More time with friends and family, some alone time etc. If hubby doesn't like that, surely that's not going to work going forward whether you work things through or not.

    I know how hard to is to think of making big changes in life if you feel like you've got no one to support you. Maybe more time with family and friends will allow you to build some security around you. I've found it easier to get by having more friends around me. Are you looking forward to the counselling? I am one, as you'll know, who likes to talk and discuss things so counselling is great for me. Sometimes it's not so much what they tell me but it's an hour a week where I can just concentrate on me and my thoughts. With working for myself I spend a lot of time on my own so I prefer to talk about things and then as I'm talking out loud things fall in to place in my own mind. It's does cause some problems as I forget just how many people I tell things to that they shouldn't have been told! I'm sure you'll get something out of the session. Just relax and speak your mind. They're not there to judge you and my best advice would be to be completely honest. I know sometimes we don't want to say something that can make us sounds cold or heartless but speak your mind and maybe things will fall in place in your mind or make you realise something you hadn't before. Good luck with it!

    I do like a good chilli! My wife is a veggie who doesn't like anything spicy so I don't have things like that to often as my son doesn't like spicy things, as he gets older ill change him around! I like something with a bit of heat but plenty of taste. Sometimes I've gone for something very spicy on to eat it and feel like I haven't tasted anything just had my tongue on fire!! I like all kinds of good really, I love tapas and when it comes to Chinese and Indian food I love all the starters rather than the main meals. I like lots of variety when in eating and I do love my food! A good buffet is my Achilles heal!! Just grazing around the buffet table.

    How are you today? Feeling any better after your day out yesterday? I had a night in Manchester in Friday and had a good time. I'm sure you'd feel the benefit of a big blow out! Some cocktails and dancing and a spa day would sort you right out!!

    Take care and speak soon

    Sun 2, Feb 2014 at 11:06am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Bet it was nice to have a day away from everything surrounded by people who have your best interests at heart! You've got to do what makes you happy. Maybe at this moment you don't need to make a life changing decision like leaving but maybe you can find more things to make you happier. More time with friends and family, some alone time etc. If hubby doesn't like that, surely that's not going to work going forward whether you work things through or not.

    I know how hard to is to think of making big changes in life if you feel like you've got no one to support you. Maybe more time with family and friends will allow you to build some security around you. I've found it easier to get by having more friends around me. Are you looking forward to the counselling? I am one, as you'll know, who likes to talk and discuss things so counselling is great for me. Sometimes it's not so much what they tell me but it's an hour a week where I can just concentrate on me and my thoughts. With working for myself I spend a lot of time on my own so I prefer to talk about things and then as I'm talking out loud things fall in to place in my own mind. It's does cause some problems as I forget just how many people I tell things to that they shouldn't have been told! I'm sure you'll get something out of the session. Just relax and speak your mind. They're not there to judge you and my best advice would be to be completely honest. I know sometimes we don't want to say something that can make us sounds cold or heartless but speak your mind and maybe things will fall in place in your mind or make you realise something you hadn't before. Good luck with it!

    I do like a good chilli! My wife is a veggie who doesn't like anything spicy so I don't have things like that to often as my son doesn't like spicy things, as he gets older ill change him around! I like something with a bit of heat but plenty of taste. Sometimes I've gone for something very spicy on to eat it and feel like I haven't tasted anything just had my tongue on fire!! I like all kinds of good really, I love tapas and when it comes to Chinese and Indian food I love all the starters rather than the main meals. I like lots of variety when in eating and I do love my food! A good buffet is my Achilles heal!! Just grazing around the buffet table.

    How are you today? Feeling any better after your day out yesterday? I had a night in Manchester in Friday and had a good time. I'm sure you'd feel the benefit of a big blow out! Some cocktails and dancing and a spa day would sort you right out!!

    Take care and speak soon

    Sun 2, Feb 2014 at 11:06am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how are you today? Night out sounds good, sounds like you are living a bit more now. How is your mind and choices?
    Been to mum in laws and very difficult conversations, so spent most of the time with my children. Hubby kept slapping my leg saying they wet love taps in the way home in the car and said he won't stop until he gets a hug. Tickle or an I love you from me. I just give him what he wants.
    I've come to realise from my letters that I have done such a bad thing and you take the punishment. Right now I feel that there is no point in trying to make an equal marriage, people will take and drain you no matter what. I went past the mark in what I did. I realise you can shout from the tree tops but no one will hear you no matter what circumstance. I shouted before the affair and now shout after it but nothing will change. I also realise that some people push others past the point of sanity to which they make mistakes. We are both responsible for out situation now but if only one looks at the bigger picture then you are set to fail.
    My hubby said to me he wants the old me back, I thought to myself no she's gone- died along time ago when I went past the sanity point. How I rebuild myself up again I don't know but I will and I won't be the push over I once was. I will stay at the edge if the pool and weigh if up before even thinking about jumping in.
    My hubby still wreaths at the affair- will he move on I don't know that's for him to do now. May be selfish but I can't spell it out anymore, apologize, beg for forgiveness anymore. Help anymore. He has to make that decision on his own. I will say and do what he wants but eventually our marriage will go back to square one - I just know. And I won't be happy because I will never matter due to my affair.
    Hope this makes sense, been doing a lot of thinking rather than sleeping!
    been listening to one republic ' counting stars' , 'skyscraper' and ' roar' songs just lately. What's your pick up songs just lately? Roast gammon with trimmings today, what about you?
    Thank you again you are one of the few people I have to talk to, so a big thank you

    Sun 2, Feb 2014 at 3:41pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hope you had a good weekend too, excuse my spellings!

    Sun 2, Feb 2014 at 4:09pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Morning!

    I've been panicking here as I couldn't get in the website until now, they must have been doing something to it. I thought what will I do without our daily updates! Strange weekend from my end. Had a good night Friday (met Victoria wood in my hotel bar) and had a good day sat in a nice bar relaxing in Saturday. My mate decided he hadn't drank enough on Friday so was straight back on it drinking cocktails at 1pm until 7pm when I managed to get him to go home! I'm the sensible one drinking water. Came home and my son was still with his big sister so it was just me and my wife. The passion between us is still there but I said to her we can have a pizza and watch a film but I don't want to talk about things. I can't cut the cord completely it seems but I don't trust anything she says or does. My son treats her the same. She's away again early part of the week so it's just us boys. Then I have plans at the weekend. I never ever have people asking me to go out then in the space of a couple of days I have four invites out!

    You can't settle for less that what you are worth. Yes you made a mistake but my god you've suffered enough and if he gets you to sit in your box and be a good girl what life is that for you and an example to the kids to see? People make mistakes, that's life and he needs to realise that and stop persecuting you for it. If you truly want him you need to make him aware that because you've made a mistake your still a good human being and deserve to be treated as such. It will have been two months tomorrow since we first spoke and that started months after you'd come clean and told him everything. I fear he has pushed you away so far he needs to realise it's going to take a lot of work on his part to pull you close again and he needs to do it in a way that makes you know and feel that he's doing it for the benefit of you as a couple not for his sake.

    I don't like to feel your in the mood to give up. Your a great person, you don't seem to ask for the moon in a stick and get more than your fair share. I bet your a great mum and a great friend, you certainly are to me (not the mum but though! Ha ha). Sorry if I'm ranting, I just feel your a good person and deserve better than accepting your lot as it is now. I hope your husband realises very soon and makes steps to work with you to get to a place were your both happy, if he is what you want. I came to the conclusion that I've been through all this heartache, anxiety and pain, I may as well come out the other side as the person I want to be and accept nothing less than I deserve. We've both been through this for months now and we're still here. On one hand feel strong and brave that you have got so many months on and your still here but at the same time I'm sure you don't want to stay in limbo forever. Once again I'm saying things to you I should say to myself!!

    If you can see yourself in a months time sat in a country pub eating apple crumble looking lovingly in to your husbands eyes wandering what all this fuss was about. Sit him down, tell him and lay out how you think the best way to get to that point is and what you will and won't stand for. If he truly wants you he'll realise he needs to make sacrifices and you'll take those dear steps together, hand in hand. If he wants it his way or not at all it if you can't see yourself in that place with him then you need to either make the best of what you can or make a change.

    I am so sorry, feels like I'm having a go and I'm really not I promise. Maybe it's just realising what I should be doing at the same time! Although I don't feel like I want to sit down with my wife and sort out a future as she can't give me what I want in life and love.

    I am currently listening to Gary Barlow. I seem to have a liking for miserable songs, but I always have! Had the one republic song on my playlist along with happy and few odd ball songs like Rick Astleys last song. As for me meal yesterday, it was very much a hangover cure day! Had a bacon sandwich, then in Leeds had a KFC then that was me done for the day. I should be the size of a house but as I didn't eat on Friday night I can say I saved those calories until Sunday!

    I'll have to make something good and healthy for my son and I tonight and get the housework sorted. She's does the washing and outs the clothes out to dry and then I seem to do everything else. I look at our house and I think I've said before, it's a metaphore for our relationship. It's only going to get sorted and finished if I do everything and accept that she won't, but I don't feel like I can. I want someone who want to go hand in hand and have fun whether we are out for the weekend or doing household chores. Anything can be fun with the right person.

    Have a great day. Speak soon and thank you for being there too. I really do look forward to our chats

    Mon 3, Feb 2014 at 11:16am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Hope your okay. How was your day? I quite like this sort of single life! Did a days work, son came home, tidied up, made tea, did the dishes and relaxed watching the football with my son. He's in bed so it's crappy TV until I go to bed. Would be a lot nicer to be cuddled up with someone in front of the fire! But at least there's no tension in the air.

    I'll have to settle for some crisps and QI !

    Speak soon

    Mon 3, Feb 2014 at 10:11pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how was QI? Nice to here you are out and about! Must be good to get out there and see civilisation.

    I think you hit the nail on the head with your sentence about anything being fun with the right person. You seem like you are both reverting to how things were at the beginning, rather than moving on as a couple you are in fact separating without either one permanently leaving your house.
    Sorry if that's out of turn.

    At the moment I am still happier when hubby not around and the dinner thing looking lovingly in his eyes is way off because I just see him as his bubble now. The more I give for his bubble the more he's happier, seems to forget about me and the children ! He hasn't even looked at his sons annual school report, let alone attend ithe meeting, even though he was off work that day!

    Got my counselling at lunch today see how that goes, you don't write out of turn you say it as it is which I prefer. So thank you .
    Have a good day Enjoy your time with your son

    Tue 4, Feb 2014 at 7:29am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I'll be thinking if you at lunch, hope you get a positive outcome from your session. Obviously they won't provide the intelligent insights that I do! 😀😀 I'm sure it will be good for you.

    QI was good, I was a bit tired so wasn't really paying attention. Wife left for work early yesterday and I couldn't get back to sleep. All better now though, fully rested and ready for a day of meetings!

    Your right about things here and your not speaking out of turn at all. Problem is, even now it's still me doing things. My son was at his sisters over the weekend so it was just me and my wife so we shared a pizza and watched a film but at no point did i want to discuss things. Previously I would have been begging for her to talk to me. Some people would say go and be single and enjoy myself but I'm not that type. All these nights out recently are okay but I would much prefer to be going out for a meal or going to the pictures with someone and relaxing than it being boys night out all the time. I've always liked being in a relationship and whilst maybe I can't jump head first in to another one at least finding a friend who understands the situation and seeing what happens would be ideal, but maybe too ideal! I can't imagine many woman wanting to see how things go with a married father of two! No matter how charming I am! 😉

    What's your plans for today? Beside counselling.

    Take care, let me know how you get on

    Tue 4, Feb 2014 at 8:22am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    How did it go today?

    Tue 4, Feb 2014 at 2:11pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi thanks for thinking of me, how's your day?

    Counselling was okay , not a patch on our chats though! He says I need to concentrate in myself get me fixed then sort marriage. Seems odd really.

    Speak soon school run to do!

    Wed 5, Feb 2014 at 3:20pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Glad it went okay for you. I suppose with it being your first session you spent most of the time explaining what's happened. I suppose the counsellor has to be an expert in recognising emotion in your voice to know what parts of what you were saying made you mad, sad, happy etc. When you sit in front of someone they can read your body language and gauge what your feeling. Did you 'enjoy' it and will you be doing it again?

    Had a strange night myself. In that hour or so after my son is in bed I sat watching the TV and thought I'd try and have a laugh and be a but playful with my wife. As I've said, the passion is still there but it's not backed up by much in the way of loving time together. I sent her a text to see if she was okay, she replied asking how I was. I said I was thinking about her and asked if she wanted to have some fun, we exchanged a few "what are you doing" texts and then she stopped replying! This morning got up to a message saying "sorry, signal was hit and miss etc"!! I feel so pathetic and pissed off with myself. I have so far resisted the urge to go and find someone else to have fun with so I don't put a hurdle between us we couldn't jump if we work things out. But last night just made me realise the losing battle I'm fighting. It was maybe me being a but lonely but she managed to cause an argument with me so many times so she could texts the other bloke to the point where she exchanged pictures and yet couldn't find time to have a conversation via text with me!! I wanted to have a laugh and at least have something we could enjoy together but the fact she has basically said "stuff him" I've had enough.

    I rang her on Saturday and said shall we have a pizza and watch a film etc and she needed a bit of convincing. Even after everything I'm making the effort while she does nothing. I think she forgets her part in all that and maybe she feels if I'm making the effort then I'm accepting responsibility for this mess and whilst I admit I have my faults I didn't bring this to our door, she did.

    I don't want that to come across as a dig at you in any way. I know you've accepted your action where wrong and confessed and if she had done the same I would have a hell of a lot more respect for her, it's the constant lies that just make things so bad. What am I supposed to think when she did what she did? Yes there's probably a simple no signal explanation but it's funny how it only happened at 11pm, the hour before was fine. Maybe it's because that's when she was going to bed with the other man from work! I can't do anymore and I don't know how many more times I can be rejected by her! My own fault i suppose for trying. I should have had enough punishment seeing the texts and pictures I've seen, the lies about where she is and who she's with, the whole Christmas fiasco, the list goes on.

    Deep breath !!!!! Wish she wasn't home tonight to be honest but she is so I just need to keep my mouth shut and not say something that ultimately means more suffering for me!

    Hope your okay, a working mums work is never done I guess!!

    Take care, speak soon

    Wed 5, Feb 2014 at 3:49pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    PS - Thanks for the nice comment about out chats! I know what you mean. I spend my time
    Counselling telling my counsellor about what we've discussed!

    Plus this doesn't cost £30 an hour!!

    Speak soon

    Wed 5, Feb 2014 at 5:05pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi so sorry things are pear shaped. So disheartening even with a mild approach and your wife even rejects that. Is she still seeing the other chap? If so I don't know how you cope. I guess you've asked all the questions you wish to, like where are we now are you in or are you out for this marriage? Seems very harsh she is doing what she wants without any remorse or thought for you.
    Maybe she needs an awaking, as she may think she is still having best of both worlds? Have you been out on as a couple with friends anymore?
    Sorry if I'm being nosey just trying to gauge things as to why she still is doing what she is doing- other bloke or not.
    Yes I see a likeness with your wife although I am still with my hubby and trying to get through the mess, just wish he's stop the horrid remarks , etc.
    Speak soon and take care

    Thu 6, Feb 2014 at 3:39pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    She says she's not seeing him or anyone else but I'm not convinced to be honest. We haven't really done anything together in a 'coupley' way. To be honest every time we did before the pictures in November came to light, it ended in an argument. I don't want to talk about the mess around us nor do i want to argue about it either.

    I don't mind you being nosy at all, after all I probably say more to you than I do to my counsellor as I only speak to her once a week so I forget most things that happen in the week and I'm grateful to have you to talk to.

    There's something I've been meaning to mention to you as it has helped me these last couple of weeks. Do you believe in any kind of karma?

    Thu 6, Feb 2014 at 5:17pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    To be honest karma means to me 'what comes around goes around'. I had to google the definition of karma to see what it means, (still a bit unsure of the meaning but I'm not the brightest light on the Christmas tree. When it comes to these things). The karma line " one becomes good through good action, and evil through evil action'" hits home a lot. But then good people can turn bad. Do things they would never of thought of doing if treated horribly or taken over advantage of.

    In hindsight I wish I had faced our marriage problems head on and not given up in the way I did by having an affair. I took the wrong path. I know I will get punished for this more than what I have suffered already. I wish my hubby would just do it and get it over with so the doors will close. Like someone said to me you do the deed you have to live with the consequences. The way I feel though is that it doesn't mean you should compromise your own happiness, like you say you can't spend your whole life suffering for your mistakes. You do have to find your own happiness, even if you have to walk away from things. Sometimes the door has to shut because it just doesn't lead anywhere anymore, end of. You have to get out the maze at sometime and find the highway!
    How about yourself.? Why do you ask?

    Thu 6, Feb 2014 at 6:58pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Wow, maybe I used the wrong term. I wasn't implying for one second your getting punished for what you've done, sorry if it made it seem that way. What's happens has made is friends and all the great advice and witty banter I bring to the table that money can't buy! Ha ha 😉

    What I should have asked is if you believe in anything like, say magic?

    My cousin who is in to natural therapies got me in to a book called The Magic by Rhonda Byrne. The books is a chapter per day type book and each day it gives you little tasks to do. Basically the book is about teaching yourself to be grateful about life and in turn the world gives more of what your grateful for. I am not a particularly spiritual bloke or anything like that but when you hit low times I suppose you'll give anything a go. It's started working and maybe it is 'magic'. It's nothing to weird. The first day is to write a list of ten things your grateful for and then you do that every morning for 28 days. Those can be things like being grateful for the air you breath, your little ones laugh, precious time with the kids. It sounds tough but I've been doing it for a week or so and I feel better (apart from yesterday!) and things have happened that make me want to carry on reading! I was grateful for the few friends I have and the support they give me. Within a couple of days I had three invites to do things with other friends. I was grateful for what money I have rather than being pissed off with the money I need or don't have, within a couple of days a slight complaint to the Natwest led to them giving me £30!

    Maybe it's not your type of thing but it's a much brighter day when your grateful for the little things you have and love rather than being pissed off with what we don't have or what we still need!

    I sound like some hippie!!

    As for your post, again, I'm sorry if made you look at yourself in a negative way. I don't judge you in anyway and I think you've done the right thing for months now. And if you do have to pay for your actions, you've paid enough. Forget about anything you've done coming to bite you on the arse, your husband has done things with the abuse and the lack of support for you. Whilst I know the pain affairs can cause, I also accept that there has to have been a problem in the first place, maybe the way of dealing with it could have been different but I'm sure you didn't go running to that option without trying other things first.

    How do you feel about your counselling now you've had a day to reflect? Are you going to do it again next week?

    What do you think about the magic? Feels like I'm trying to get you in to a cult!! I'm not by the way 😀

    Thu 6, Feb 2014 at 8:11pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sorry definitely got the wrong impression there then!
    Counselling is okay very scary, have to go on a CBT course. See how that goes. Have to go now. Have a good weekend and wil chat soon.

    Fri 7, Feb 2014 at 5:10pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    Had a shit day today! Will say more tomorrow.

    Have a great weekend, take care

    Fri 7, Feb 2014 at 5:18pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi
    How are you?
    Thoughts and prayers with you

    Sat 8, Feb 2014 at 8:47am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Morning,
    Thanks for your message, really appreciate it. Feeling better today, though tired and slightly hung over. Getting to old for this party lifestyle! Yesterday was bad because she's been away from 6.30am on Monday until 8.30pm on Thursday and as soon as she comes home there is an air of tension in the house. Then I have to listen to her on the phone to him about work yesterday morning and she's so very very nice to him and I just can't be bothered anymore. She hasn't made any steps to fix things and if she thinks staying working with him is going to work for us she's wrong.

    How are you? CBT seems interesting. My counsellor does CBT but it's not the best therapy for me as I'm more of a talker. A friend of mine did it and it really helped him. What does hubby make of it all? Is he still claiming to be depressed?

    Hope your okay

    Sat 8, Feb 2014 at 9:11am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Afternoon,
    Oh my you must feel hit in the guts again after having a glimmer of hope. Things were going so well with your friends, etc, Very insensitive and to phone infront of you is a cheek. What's your thoughts now? Are you going to tell her to change jobs or was that just a fleeting thing by her before Christmas?

    How are your children with this? Any effort made towards them at all?

    I haven't told my husband about the counselling and CBT purely because of his last reactions to my diagnosis. He keeps asking do I want a hug and when I say I'm okay thanks just need to be me, he gets huffy and says I want a hug in a petulant child manner. I understand it's frustrating for him but I can't give what I don't feel. I can't just snap out of where I am at, the pains in my body have returned and I can't lift my shoulders because of it. The stomach pains have restarted and find it hard to be out, putting just a brave face on. I know on the surface he may actually care but then it all goes right backthey have truly hurt the other." to his needs and keeping his bubble happy. When I haves hugged he just shows no interest and care for me afterwards. It's like he's got what he wants nothing else matters. Back to where we was a year ago.
    Had the pouting lips again from him too. Then last night I had another degrading comment. he said to me "maybe you should have his number to add to your list" when he was talking about a handyman at work. To cut a long story short - It's all just because I managed to find a mechanic to fix my car all by myself. Appears to be another dent in his ego, if he wanted to help why didn't he? He still took all the credit when he saw his mum though.
    Sorry ranting again.
    You can rant - let your emotions out you kept them under wraps from your last post. Thoughts are with you at such a difficult time and your not the only one nursing a hangover!

    Sat 8, Feb 2014 at 3:00pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Good morning,
    Never like hearing your so down and especially when it's affecting you physically. The stress of it must be so much and that leads to the pain. I used to get palpatations with everything that was going on. Maybe you can treat yourself to a spa day! Have a swim, sit in the steam room, get a full body massage and have a day just for you, god knows you deserve it! It seems like getting your car fixed was a dent to his male pride and a signal that you can cope. Him asking if you want a hug is just to get it to feel like you wanted a hug and needed him rather than him saying he would like a hug. It seems you, like me, have moved past the games and the shit that happens. Do you ever see a future together??

    I think in my case I'm just not wanting to be the one to make the final decision that it's all over. It's almost like I'm waiting for her to do something so bad that there's just no alternative but to seperate totally. After a bad few days last week I saw a couple of friends on Friday, one who I was out with on Friday night, hence the hangover! I hadn't seen either of them for a while so I was telling them what's happened and both of them were shocked I was still with her. It really hits home when you see other people reactions like that. I think it's easy for people who aren't in that situation to say they would do this or that but it's different when it your life. The kids are okay. Daughter knows things don't look good and my son is okay because we don't argue at all anymore and if we do it's not in front of him so he doesn't hear us. As for the future, I'm still unsure. My head says it's just a matter of time before it's over.

    Just try and rise above the bitchy comments and stay calm if you can. Try and spend a few minutes each day relaxing to try and ease the pain. Sometime you think your relaxed and when you concentrate you feel how tense you are. I think in relaxing yet I can feel my face is tight and I'm almost grinding my teeth! I would definitely recommend some audio books if you can just to help you relax and unwind. After a few weeks you can sit in silence and repeat the relaxing techniques without the audio and it really does help.

    Funny how we are both in the same place this weekend. I'm grateful that your there though, and I wish I could do more to help you. I know how tough living in limbo is and how draining it can be to feel like your all alone!

    Enjoy your day today. I've got to go and stand in the rain and manage the kids football.

    Take care, speak soon, stay strong!

    Sun 9, Feb 2014 at 9:42am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how are you feeling today? Did you survive the football or should I say the rain!

    Have you come to any more summaries after speaking to your friends and being so patient in things to turn around in your marriage. It is do difficult I can totally relate to it but like you say it is your life too, there are steps you have taken to get some of this back. Like you say life changing decisions are not easy it's almost like we need someone if a greater authority to say 'yes you are making the right choice, your not making a big mistake, this is where your future path goes'

    With every little thing I stand back and assess and sometimes it seems clearer that I'm not going mad, other days I think ' it's not that bad, there's worse marriages', stick at it it'll get better' - do you have days like that?

    Start of another week, one more then I have a week off to spend with my children. Hopefully relax. Never had a spa day - I think you could do with one too!

    Always here, have a good day and speak soon

    Mon 10, Feb 2014 at 7:16am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Good Morning,

    I'm okay today thanks. A bit disappointed I didn't make the most of my weekend. Had a good night Friday but apart from that I didn't do anything so just sat in the house with her. Its good that we weren't arguing but I resist any chance to talk about things as I'm ready to live a new life. Theres just no chance we can get back what we once had. I think she would quite happily live like this forever. It means she would never have to face up to what she's done and never have to have any difficult discussions with me.

    Your right in what you say about just sticking at it and it would be so so easy just to sit back and live like this until the love finally disappeared whether that's 5 years or 50 years. I don't want that though to be honest. If I look at our life together, its hard see past the last year of shit but if I do, I can see the problems that have always been there. She would rather sit in and do nothing all the time where as I would rather do something, anything! Go for a walk and have some lunch somewhere, go out for a coffee, anything really just to get out of the house. Problem is she isn't the type just to give something a go and if she ever does, she makes sure I know if shes not enjoying it. I don't expect her to do as I say, but if you give something a go, you give it a go and if its rubbish, you laugh about it and put it down to experience!

    Football was rubbish! It wasn't raining but its was windy and we lost for the first time this season and then Everton lost as well so not a good football day for me!!

    How are things with you today? I wish I was off next week! Mind you, I probably will take a few days off where I can to look after my son. Wish I could take him over to Spain to see my cousin for the week but she won't let me.

    I think i'll look in to a spa day. That's another we have done together but she didn't like it, were as I loved it! A day without my phone, a work out in the gym, a little swim and a sauna. A nice healthy lunch followed by a full body massage! Perfect. What day shall we go ;-)

    How are the pains in your shoulders today? What did you get up to at the weekend?

    Speak soon (always here too)

    Mon 10, Feb 2014 at 9:38am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi I like the way you are so positive about it all, so level headed.

    Pain still there struggled to help my daughter get dressed this morning, painkillers don't help either.

    Had a good day sat, made myself take my children to the park inbetween showers then a treat at Gregg's! Needless to say husband at work, evening awful so I got drunk bad omission but get it's how I cope. Sunday went to mum in laws and she stuck up for me when husband being an a- hole. Very surprised. Went early to bed sun as couldn't stand being in the same room watching top gear, and the new police drama. Nice to be with my children again, here them giggle when I pushed the swing., puddle jump! Still a long way to go as not much ' feeling' inside just a glimmer.

    Got my CBT dates confirmed. work very understanding - Nearly cried again.

    Very much know what you say about going out together, my husband is full of false promises and hates going somewhere doing something without his beloved caravan in tow! Very much like your wife I guess.

    Like your idea on the spa :-) need more friends like you

    Take care and keep jumping those puddles!

    Mon 10, Feb 2014 at 1:24pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    I suppose I'm starting to see the woods from the trees as they say! I sat there over the weekend and it almost felt like nothing was wrong. It would be easy to go along with it but I don't want to get months or years down the road and realise I hate her or anything like that.

    Shame you feel you have no option but to have a drink, but I know how you feel. I resist having a drink in the house so I don't say something that gets me in to trouble. I haven't done anything whilst I've had a drink in the last month or so, but as she's drinking I know she'll try and piss me off and if I've had a drink i'll bit back.

    Saturday sound like fun. I wish I could have days like that. Kids get a bit more boring when they get older ! ha ha. I find myself wanting to go to be early too. Once my son is in bed I feel a bit like "what's the point in staying up". That would have always been "our time" but as we are not in that place what's the point in staying up when I could relax in bed. She's away again today and tomorrow so I can just spend time with Evan (son) and relax.

    Are you looking forward to the CBT? From what I know it involves a sort of homework and recording your thoughts and feelings so you'll have to make sure your husband doesn't impact on that. You've done well to get to the point where your making positive steps to feel better , don't let him throw a spanner in the works!

    I reckon I've spent years in total thinking of things to do only to have to change the plans because she either says she doesn't want to do it, pulls her face at the suggestion or I know from experience there's no point mentioning it. Even when money is tight, there's lots of things you can do. Like you did, wrap up warm and get out there. Feel better in the fresh air, get some exercise and have a treat at the end of it all! At least when someone asks what you did at the weekend you can say "went out to the park etc" rather than saying you sat in doing nothing.

    The spa day would be just as good as the counselling! I'm full of great advice I don't listen to myself.
    Sorry to hear the pain is still there, I suppose the pain killers wont work when its stress related really rather than a pulled muscle or something. I bought a wooden thing from the body shop for shoulder massage but its still in the box if that's any use to you ;-), free delivery!

    Enjoy the rest of your day, I may just go and find some puddles later on. Assuming they've thawed out! It was bitter up north this morning.

    Take care and speak soon. No doubt i'll pop back with some words of wisdom after 9pm when ive given up flicking through the channels to find theres nothing on.

    Mon 10, Feb 2014 at 2:24pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    As expected, nothing on the TV worth watching so bored. I used to like the time alone but it's getting a bit tedious now. Times like this when I miss the companionship of a proper relationship. Miss someone to put some music on and light the fire, relax and unwind!

    I'm guessing your getting the hug requests whilst watching something you don't want to until it comes to a time when you can go to bed? Or maybe he's seen sense and wants to tell you how special you are?

    Either way, I hope your okay. Wish I could pick the phone up and chat!

    Take care and speak soon

    Mon 10, Feb 2014 at 9:26pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    Hope you okay and not too lonely. Keep positive you've come this far, what about your friends for a chat.

    Spanner in works appeared last night.
    He's going to work away soon and is scared that "I will learn to live without him again" and started to justify himself at how great a husband he is (he tried to help with dinner by getting the peas out the freezer last night) and how he's understanding of my depression. In one way I see his fear and understand it, the other hand its a case of shutting the gate once the horse has bolted. Harsh I know but after all the things said and done it seems too late and now he's going to work away he's had a realisation of sorts.
    The other thing I came to realise is that after all the chats he doesn't understand or get the reasons for our marriage downfall in the first place ( before affair) and that he just doesn't trust me at all.
    Either way I feel that one if the above will happen no matter what and break the camels back- maybe best just to call it a day now? ?????????
    I am looking forward to the time by myself do I can get my head round things but I doubt he'd see it like that!

    Have a good day , speak soon

    Wed 12, Feb 2014 at 7:28am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    I guess I'm missing my relationship to be honest. I have friends to chat to but as I said its relaxing with someone and having fun that I miss. Trying to keep positive.

    Yours husbands actions are kind of understandable. He's obviously insecure and the thought of being away from you and the children will scare him that he's losing some control in the marriage and in his life. I suppose the real test of his true feelings and intentions will be when he is away and how he speaks to you then. He could either reflect on what's happened and see his faults and realise what he can do to make things right, alternatively he may just nag you and try and make you feel like shit to try and assert some control over you from a distance. That's not necessarily to say if he does that he is doing it out of any resentment towards you just out of fear and wanting to have some control.

    Are you really looking forward to the time alone so you can think or are you looking forward to the time alone to sample life without him?????

    From this side of things, if I was your husband, I would just want honesty. At the end of the day if you are considering separating because of the issues then maybe its best to tell him. Maybe you know deep down its over but you want him to show you have things can be different. Do you think you both could change to the point your both happy again????

    I'm at the point where I know things aren't going to work out because of the hurdles in the way and my wife just won't be honest and open. If she came out and said she felt the same as me and felt it was time to call it a day. I'd be devastated but at least I'd know we were both thinking along the same lines. At the moment I feel we are drifting apart but because she wont say what she wants I still give her some time and attention to make sure we don't drift to far apart in case there's a chance she wants to sort things out. So this means I'm trying to think for both of us and read her mind. If she just said what she thinks will happen or what she wants to happen I can start to deal with it. Until then its just limbo! It may be that she says she wants me but life is going to be a certain way and then I can decide if that's the kind of life that's going to make me happy or not. Then, again, I can make a decision knowing what she wants. Its hard to read minds.

    My guess is your husband is more hopeful about saving your relationship than I am about mine but he's probably thinking about life after you hence looking at other houses, but at the same time trying to make an effort with you. I suppose we're back to the hardest thing of all, sitting down and talking calmly and openly about things. You don't have to have all the answers right now. Its a case of sitting down and saying exactly how you feel and not saying anything you don't mean.

    If you tell him you don't see a future together because of his actions and his unwillingness to meet you half way, then say that but don't say you'd feel differently if he did this or that if you don't actually feel that way. I know its hard to sit in front of someone you love and tell them anything negative when things are so serious and at breaking point but we both know going round in circles doesn't help.

    If you truly feel the time apart will be best so you can consider your future and maybe miss each other then tell him that, but maybe you'll be making a rod for your own back if you tell him that when really you just want to see the back of him!!

    I suppose your affair was the result of seeking another life away from your marriage without having all the upheaval that goes with separating, if those problems are still there or they've got worse then its going to be difficult to make it work and it doesn't seem like he's looking to meet you half way. So maybe it is time to make that decision.

    I'm really sorry if I'm being a little to 'frank' today. I feel like we've ended up in the same position at the same time when its getting very close to make or break time, so I think what I've said is what I need to do as well so I've started ranting more at myself than you!

    Lets get that spa day booked !!! ha ha

    Did you have your counselling yesterday? How did it go?

    Have a good day, remember you are a champion and he's going to hear you roar!!!! ;-)

    Wed 12, Feb 2014 at 10:04am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    Thanks for your frank input. I prefer it that way rather than cotton wool! Made me chuckle at the end with roar!

    How are you feeling today?

    I've had time to reflect but yet again when I was texting my mum last night my husband said " are you sure it's your mum you're talking to" and kept on. Guess it confirms one of my suspicions and based on that he will be trying to assert control from afar- just like you said.

    I am looking forward to the time alone to be honest, prefer it, I can speak to my mum on the phone for as long as I want, read a book without having comments such as ' you think more of a book than me', come home after the park when we are ready - no timelines. husband has always worked long hours ever since I've known him and since he's been home 9-5 more I've felt suffocated and although trying to 'get along/adjust" we both cause such an atmosphere to the point you could cut it with a knife/trip over eachother!

    He's now trying to finish his work early to check up on us over half term and has been constantly asking what our plans are. It's just suffocating. If he can't move one little step there is no hope is there?

    He is still adamant he doesn't need any professional help.

    In a way I do see what he is feeling but he's acting like a child who's school report is due. He's finally making an effort in the last few days rather than all year.

    Trying to write him a letter that I can read out so I don't forget anything but words are hard to find. It's like a mental game if chess!
    Have a good day and hope the weather is warmer!
    Take care

    Thu 13, Feb 2014 at 7:25am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    I think the letter is a good thing to do, think I need to do the same although I think I've said a lot of what I need to say and it makes no difference. At least your starting to see the games he plays as what they are. As I've said before keep calm and consistent is all you can do. He can't ever say you've changed then and given him any false hope or anything. But it is very hard to see someone you care about upset and not say what they want to hear just to try and make that evening a bit easier.

    Seems like you can't wait for your week off next week or the week he's away. I am sort of enjoying my time while she's away but because it's never set days it can be frustrating. If I knew she was away certain days and that was fixed it would be easier to plan my week. Like this week she said she was away Monday and Tuesday, didn't make it home last night because of the weather and she's away tonight as well so the plans I made to go to the gym last night had to be cancelled and the plans I made to see friends tonight will have to be scrapped as well. She hides behind the fact that she has no choice because it's work even though they sit in a hotel bar until midnight drinking.

    I'll be honest, I think last night was the last straw for me and I've given up. Not because she couldn't get home but her attitude to everything. I took my wedding ring off last night. I know that doesn't mean I'm not married anymore but it means I don't have a constant reminder of how she's just not there anymore. She may be happy in a relationship like this were she's away three nights a week and we don't speak and then we might spend and day and a night together at the weekend but she's very much mistaken if she thinks I'm living my life alone all week.

    Seems like your husband is realising how easily he could be lifted out of the family (on a practical basis, I know you and the kids would be upset) and that's why he's trying to help with dinner and be there more. Maybe he has realised deep down how his lifestyle before hand has led to the problems, whether he'll admit it is another thing. Your very first post said you felt like a single parent and maybe he's seen you becoming more self sufficient and he's trying to show his worth but maybe it's too little too late.

    I suppose the conversation (one of many) but again it all depends if you actually want him anymore? If you do then you need to find out if he could ever work to resolve the trust issues and if you feel he is the type who could make an effort long term. There's always times where he'll feel insecure and worry if your doing what you say but that's were you sit down and communicate properly. He says calmly how he felt at that time and you understand why he felt that way but explain how that accusation made you feel etc.

    In some way nothing really matters unless you know what you want and if you want him. What do you want?????

    Have a great day, weather is better but it's still so cold. With all the wind last night the back garden is like a war zone!

    Take care, speak soon and give me a big smile!!!

    Thu 13, Feb 2014 at 8:55am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how's tricks? What's your plans for this weekend?

    It's Friday, start of school holidays today. Had our chat last and didn't go well. Still going over it in my head, yet he has woken up as though nothing has happened again!!!

    Take care and speak soon
    M

    Fri 14, Feb 2014 at 8:35am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    At least you weren't surprised by his actions! I wonder if some things you said made him realise how far apart you are on things and maybe he's ignored as it's too hard for him to face up to things. Very sad but you've got to be confident your doing the right things and keeping yourself calm and sane!

    Nothing planned for the weekend really. Wife has asked to talk tonight and her texts say she wants to be with me but I think a big part of me doesn't want to talk as I worry ill end up saying things to make her feel better when really I know she can't give me the life I would like. She compares me going out and staying over in manchestter as worse than her staying away for four nights a week because she has to do it for work. What she fails to realise is that whilst it is indeed my choice to go out I can also choose to not go, that's something she simply can't do when it comes to work. I keep on finding things out about her life recently and it makes me feel even further away from her. I doubt she will actually talk when it comes to it. Unless I say shall we talk when * is in bed she'll just drink a couple of bottles of wine and fall asleep.

    Maybe it's more interesting to say what I'd like to do this weekend with a special someone. Assuming I was childless that weekend.

    I'd book a nice restaurant/ pub with a quaint B&B in a little village somewhere. I'd wrap up warm and walk my legs off stopping at the local pubs along the way. I'd have a nice bath and get ready, go out for something to eat and nice bottle of wine. Relax in the massive super king size bed. Check out late and go and see the local sites before finding a nice ice cream parlour for a black cherry ice cream topped with clotted cream. Maybe warm up watching a film at the cinema before finding yet another pub with a roaring open fire and having a Sunday roast with all the trimmings and finding out that I'm so far ahead in work I can stay over again on the Sunday night and have the day off on Monday!! Maybe I need to leave out a few pubs, making myself seem like an alcoholic! I wouldn't drink in every pub and a cafe would be just as god so long as they had big comfy chesterfield sofas! All done hand in hand with someone, whispering how gorgeous she was.

    Bliss!! But a distant dream at the moment.

    If I had * I would wrap him up and go and explore somewhere off the beaten track, play football, watch football and go the cinema and just have fun.

    How about you? What's your plans for the weekend or what's your ideal plans for the weekend?

    Have a great day and speak soon

    (a moderator has removed personal names to protect anonymity)

    Fri 14, Feb 2014 at 9:51am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi,

    Good luck for tonight I hope it goes well. Like you say keep an open mind and say what you would like out of the relationship. It's tough all the emotional upheaval and having to respond without having a deep thought on things. Sometimes your initial answer is the most honest.

    Shall see where we are at tonight, see if time has let us both reflect and move forward. I'm hoping he may accept the idea of marriage counselling. We shall see.
    Life is tough just say what you feel, explain how it feels. We only live once and live we should!

    Take care

    Fri 14, Feb 2014 at 3:07pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how are you and the talk?

    Sat 15, Feb 2014 at 5:39pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    We've both decided its for the best to go our separate ways. She doesn't feel I'm there to support her and I don't feel she's there for me and after all the shit that's gone on the last year neither of us really wants to change that. We haven't sorted all the fine details out and it won't be a car of one of us leaving anytime soon really but we are starting things to move on. She was more concerned about her career to be honest. I said she could talk and I would I listen and all she did was say how I made her feel bad and that she's very important and busy at work and I don't support her and also if she wanted to advance in her career that she doesn't think I'd be there for her. She's got a point really but what she doesn't accept is how when she first started working away she never explained that she would be barely contactable and after all her playing away I think to much has happened where I could support her fully. At the end of the day that job has taken so much away from our lives including my sons life so I do feel some resentment towards her job. She never sat down and said "if I take this promotion I'll be away so much etc etc" if she had then we could have agreed a way of working together to make it work but instead she went ahead with the job and because I haven't fallen in line she just dug her heels in more.

    I suppose it's a bit of a relief in some sad way. When she started pointing out my faults I started to feel low and started to feel like I was lucky to have her and I'd never find anyone else as she was putting me down so much but I had to stay strong and remember the problems she's caused and the lack of effort she has out in to out marriage for the last year or so. No matter how much I've considered us separating it is a bit of a shock when it happens. I suppose it's easier when we are still in the house together and doing things as normal. She's away all next week after Monday so it just me and my son for the week and I can work around him so we'll have a few days out.

    So, my story comes to a sort of end! Need to start the next chapter of my life. I suppose at 33 I could live my life all over again. Need to get my business sorted after all the upheaval of the last year so I have some financial security and start having some fun.

    How are you? Has anything moved on with things in your house? I hope you don't think I'm going anywhere now things have been decided here! I'm still here for you and still full of useless information to send your way! Ha ha.

    When does your CBT start and how was your phone counselling this week?

    Have a good night and speak soon

    Sat 15, Feb 2014 at 6:15pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    Well done for staying so strong. It must of been hard even though you have had thoughts of the end. Sending a virtual hug. Let me know how things are with your children. You know in your heart you have tried so very hard at your marriage so you should be proud of yourself. Take your time and keep staying strong. You have a whole weight lifted off your shoulders, just stay focused "some doors close only because they no longer lead anywhere", other doors will remain open. :-)

    Got my CBT next Tuesday, counselling was ok. I was on a good spurt when they phoned after a lovely morning at a conference so much laughter it was infectious to the point I started to forget things. FWP (first world problems) on YouTube was shown lots of teenagers talking about how hard done by they are as their iPhone doesn't fit in their skinny jeans. Have to see it to understand! I'm hoping to get some self esteem support and settings boundaries better. Need to stand up for myself and not be afraid to voice my feeling and thoughts. Got to stop people pleasing!

    Had a bust up Thursday then again Friday. He says he wants to leave, I said I'm not sure I want him to because of our children, he said no he's had enough can't live like this anymore and we'd better sort out the best way to go our separate ways and that he is not coming home tomorrow (sat). He left for Cornwall and returned in the same day/ came home!!!!!! Talk about mind games.
    I had a good day without him thinking we are moving on, then he turns up and says as I've had a good day can I extend it to hug him and make him feel happy. My heart sank all little happy feelings disappeared. Today I feel like he's rained on my parade. So silly of me to give in to him should of stood my ground more. Now still in this mess and just got myself to blame! First time I have ever felt so enraged with it all and it's a horrid feeling. I honestly wanted to scratch his eyes out, make him feel the pains and confusion I was feeling, never felt like that in my life. Horrid.

    In a way I think I should just do as he says live a life in a little box. He isn't ever going to let go. Such a mess. Enough if me ranting - again!!!!!!!!

    Go and have a good day out you have a week of time to reflect and hopefully you will feel better.

    Thank you for your kind words to remain my online counsellor, you have been a great listener and help, but I do understand if you wish to be alone during this time.

    Always here, take care,
    M

    Sun 16, Feb 2014 at 6:50am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Be alone?!? No chance!! Being completely honest, over these last few months checking our messages has been the biggest support of all. Counselling is great and I get a lot from it but someone in the real world being there means a hell of a lot.

    Don't get back in that box!!! He's playing the 'I'll say I'm going away, then you'll chase me and make me feel wanted' game. Hence why he went, realised you weren't chasing him and then came back. I'm a bit surprised in some way you didn't take him up on his after to move out. I completely understand the situation with the kids but as he's worked away at times before I'm sure you could have covered it up as something normal and had the space away from each other. I wish I could speak to him and explain what he's doing as someone who's done similar things only to realise they're just games that help no one. At least you can see things for what they are, that's progress. You can see the games.

    I know what you mean about people pleasing. I do it every day but convince myself because I work for myself it's my job to make other peoples lives easier in some way but really there's a lot of things I do to keep people happy that don't make me happy or frustrate the life out of me. I end up having arguments with these people in my head and the only person who suffers is me. Is that how you feel??

    Well, it's not raining today and Everton are in the TV later so got a meeting this morning (dedication to go to a 10am meeting on a Sunday morning!!) then Ill relax and watch the game. The only thing I really asked of my wife was not to rub my nose in anything she was doing. But last night was a jump back to a couple of months ago. She tries to make a little argument so she stays up late, drunk with both her work and personal phones in hand. Comes to bed about 4am and then slopes downstairs before anyone else gets up robs check what she's been up to the nights before and then goes back to bed. I wouldn't like to think what she's been up to. Sex texts or maybe more pictures, who knows. Suppose I've got to rise above it and be the bigger person.

    Always here to M, happy to listen and talk anytime.

    Have a great day.
    D

    Sun 16, Feb 2014 at 9:31am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Good morning

    Have a good meeting and will look out for Everton!
    The people pleasing is how I feel, that's why I got back in the box last night, and I am kicking myself for not asking for his door key, note to self for next instance because no doubt there will be one!

    You are the bigger person, keep going!
    Enjoy the day

    Speak soon
    M

    Sun 16, Feb 2014 at 9:39am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Make sure you cheer my team on!! A few more wins in the cup and I get a trip out to Wembley!

    Calling his bluff is the way to go. There's a website someone i spoke to at relate that was really interesting. I think it was called mind matter and it explained how we can be in child, adult or parent states of mind and had a big list of the games people play. It's very good.

    Actually, I suppose calling his bluff will only work if your happy or content with him going through with his threat. You said your worried about the kids and they're are one of the main considerations but there has to be some short term pain for long term gain I guess.

    Have a good day. Thinking of you.

    D

    Sun 16, Feb 2014 at 11:34am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Things got very worse last night. I'm in Mental turmoil and need help!

    He's says he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he's met someone new but not advanced to an affair like I did. if I do try to do more hugs he's not interested anymore, no attraction, and that he's not leaving the house because he won't lose the kids as he's done some legal research on this, he says we are to live together just for the children. I said that's no life , I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused.
    he said illness or no illness i should still meet His needs and I would lose the children, and then this morning acts like nothing has happened and says "aren't you going to hug me goodbye then? I'm not home tonight but see you later". He admits going through my purse, bags, phone checking, phone tracking and made up complete and utter bshit about me still seeing the person I had an affair with. I said no and can prove it, I've stopped living for him given up all my hobbies, but he was convinced with no evidence what so ever. And I'm not by the way I've learnt my lesson and Wont do such a thing ever again.

    He avoided any responsibility for his part in this. He said I was making him angry again as I wasn't responding back. I did keep quiet and listened to him and said that no matter what I say or do it's not good enough so why bother? I said he's obviously made his mind up and won't be changed. He said I didn't care as I wasn't showing any emotion. I feel he wanted me to cry and beg again, so I said I've done all the begging /crying before and no point in doing it now.

    He says that I want to find myself and he says he'd love to go fishing everyday but he had to work to as he's a parent, that's what I should be doing, not wanting some time for myself. He's missed the point completely you are supposed to work as a team not just put all the responsibility onto one person like our marriage is. I had no response for this at all as I've explained it enough over the past months.

    He's not moving in at all I suggested marital counselling again and he says 80% of marriages fail due to the counselling so the answer is no.

    These forum chats will probably be held against me too. Am I being so unreasonable?

    Mon 17, Feb 2014 at 7:53am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Also been investigating narcissism/ narcissists. Interesting.

    Mon 17, Feb 2014 at 8:12am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Shit! That does sound like a rough night!! I really feel for you and understand the turmoil it's all causing.

    Right, it still seems to me like he's playing games. He's saying I've met someone new I don't want you etc etc bullshit bullshit!! If on the off chance he has, he will have only done it to give himself an ego boost as he isn't getting the affection he wants from you. I'm embarrassed to say but I have acted like that a few months ago. Not meeting someone but throwing comments out to try and get some attention, it's very needy and a little pathetic! If he didn't want you he'd take his stuff and move in to one of the places he's apparently looked at!! Then when he acts like nothing's happened what's he's doing is saying "well, that didn't work, I'd better act normal so she doesn't think I was too serious". He's just playing games. He's trying to make you feel insecure so you'll react by throwing yourself at him.

    I doubt for one second he's had any real legal advice other than what "divorced Dave" down the pub says. Maybe it would help you if you got some advice? I made a call to someone who helped a little just to put my mind at ease. A lot of them do free consultations. Your depression will make no difference to who gets the kids. If you were a danger to them and yourself then that's different but feeling shit because of what your going through is not enough to take someone's kids away! Again, it's more games. I think these more extreme games he's playing is because he's getting more desperate. Maybe he's realised that you can cope without him and that he needs you more than you need him so he's all out attack to wear you down, make you feel insecure so he can put you back in your box and shut it tight!

    Look back at the things you've said over the last 10 weeks or so. There have been times when you have basically said "oh well, suppose this is what happens if you have an affair, I'll just have to live like this forever".
    Then look through posts a few days or weeks later and you've changed so much. You can see straight through what are games and you haven't fallen for the emotional blackmail. You've come so far please don't let his latest attempt stop you in your tracks.

    I know it isn't really my place to ask but I have asked before and you've not answered but what do you want for yourself and for your future?????????! Yes it would be more normal for the kids to have mum and dad at home but having a happy mum and dad separately would be better long term. On the flip side, people have for through worse things I'm sure so providing the games and the emotional attacks stop soon and you start building a base on which to rebuild your relationship, you can make it work.

    The million dollar question is............. Do you want him????

    Sending you a big hug (if that's okay), seems like you need one!!!

    Speak soon, relax and enjoy the day with the kids

    D

    Mon 17, Feb 2014 at 8:45am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks for being here sorry to be a burden you have your own problems to face.

    just spoken to family lives and they have said similar but I need to put myself in my husbands shoes more and do more if I want a marriage. They said I'm not questioning enough in these discussions and that my husband has serious trust issues with me and sounds like he is just as unhappy as me. They said I need to make a decision and maybe be the bigger adult, give my husband their number and ask him to call. Have done so see what happens.

    Enjoy the day!

    Mon 17, Feb 2014 at 9:30am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Please don't feel your a burden at all. My issues have sort of come to an end so we can focus on you!

    Don't want to be pushy but you didn't quite answer the question M?

    I suppose it's just easier to know what to say and what not to say really. If you want your marriage to work and you want your husband then I can give you all the help and support I can in that way. If you don't want him I can support you in that way or if your on the fence I know to sit there with you.

    I'm having an easy start to the day. Bacon sandwich and a cup of tea before I spring in to action later on!!

    Hope I'm not being too forward asking those questions, maybe you don't know the answers yet.

    Here all day!
    D

    Mon 17, Feb 2014 at 9:59am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    In a way I would like it to work but for the children's sake.

    When we do hug it's like best friends and I'm not sure if I've just closed my heart to my feelings for him or if they have disappeared completely. If I do as he says things will end up like before - he takes I give give give. I can see it you know?

    Guess what I struggle with is do I give if a go to see if I'm right or not , or just call it a day and be done with it? If I that's the wrong choice I have to live with it and accept I've ruined my children's childhood/ family.

    Mon 17, Feb 2014 at 10:45am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,&

    So your firmly on the fence! Only joking. I'm getting the feeling your finding reasons to make an effort but there doesn't appear to be any real feeling behind it. Am I close?

    How much time do you feel you have lost with the children by spending your time at weekends thinking, worrying, arguing etc? Also, having parents who come to hate each other wouldn't be great either. You have to fight for the life you want and yes, there will be compromises to be made but you have to get the life you want or all these months of turmoil will have been in vein and if you don't deal with the emotions now you'll bottle them up and they'll bite you on the arse in the future.

    I guess because he plays these games and he causes you to doubt what you felt and thought the week before it's like walking in quick sand. You don't know whether to take your time and take it step by step or run like hell. I suppose it's the not knowing that makes things difficult. If there was a sign at the side of the quick sand saying take your time and you'll get out of it, you'd do that or if it said run like hell you'd do that. There is no sign apart from what you feel in your heart. If the thought of losing him hurts like hell then sit him down, get out your notes and tell him to sit and listen to what you want to say. And if you feel he can change enough to give you the life you want and it matches more or less with the life he wants then work together to get there.

    If you feel more anxious because of the unknown of him leaving and you feel you would be happier in the long run then it's a case of how long you'll let him play the games before you say what it is you want.

    My wife and I sat down and said what we wanted from the marriage and realised that neither of us could give the other what they want and need so it's time to throw in the towel. Maybe if you can get him to sit done, calmly and discuss what you both need with kindness and love you can decide what's best for you both. Maybe he will say he will learn to trust you and allow you to have hobbies again as he doesn't want to lose you, maybe he'll say he'll work on things but only if your at his beck and call 24/7 and you continue to have your phone tracked etc.

    What would make M happy?? I wanted love, affection, fun, spontinaiaty, adventure etc. She wanted her career and a relationship that could work around that. So we can't meet each other's needs. Can you meet his needs or more importantly can he meet your needs????

    D

    Mon 17, Feb 2014 at 11:51am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    How are you today?

    Speak soon

    D

    Tue 18, Feb 2014 at 10:38am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi how are you?

    Had my CBT course and feel better for what was said. Just going to be difficult to do!

    Just feel like a good cry.

    Speak soon
    M

    Tue 18, Feb 2014 at 1:40pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Just had a call from my therapist and my depression score has increased, ie got worse. Oh god what is happening to me?

    Tue 18, Feb 2014 at 1:48pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    If you need a good cry, have a good cry! Don't bottle it all up.

    I don't know a great deal about the CBT, I've done a little bit of it but from what I know it takes a bit more time to sit down and write things down. I'm to lazy to sit and write my thoughts down I'm more of a talker than a doer! What kind if things did you discuss or did they suggest you can do?

    I can imagine your 'score' has got worse because of what's been going on at home. They say things get better before they get worse. You will get through this and you'll be a stronger more enlightened person for it. Have faith! The only thing you need to do is decide what you want in life. Maybe you haven't got to the point where your set on what you want yet. I'm sure the counselling and CBT will help you get there. I'm not going anywhere so whatever support you need from me I will happily give you.

    I'm not to familiar with the scoring system but you've only had two sessions and all that proves is that you were more down the second time than the first time. I wouldn't worry about it at all. They can't measure your average mood over the week, only your mood for a snapshot of the week. I wouldn't get bogged down with it. Just keep focus on yourself and what you need to be happy for that hour, day, week etc.

    I've decided to get some space for myself so I'm going to stay with my cousin in Spain for a few days. Don't worry though, I'll be checking in here every day as usual. I always 'look forward' to your morning message. Look forward is the wrong term because I don't like to hear you've had a rough night or anything. But I enjoy our chats. Maybe I need to mix it up like a said i would and discuss more non marriage stuff!!

    So, you never did tell me what your perfect weekend was??????

    Always here for you M, big smile, speak soon.

    D

    Tue 18, Feb 2014 at 2:58pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    Enjoy Spain have a few days if no distractions, chill out. You've been through enough and deserve some me time.
    Thank you for being here I can't express my appreiciation at having some listening ears.
    But please don't feel you have to check in!

    My idea weekend - chilli in the countryside children playing giggle laughs and smiles all round with a proper hearty English dinner with all the trimmings oh and lashings of gravy

    Give us a wave when you go over the South!

    Take care
    M

    Tue 18, Feb 2014 at 3:23pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    I'm always checking in, enjoy talking to you.

    Ill call off at the south and you could come with me! I think you need a few days of sun, sea and sangria as much if not more than I do!!! I'm looking forward to my little afternoon strolls around the town. It's not a really touristy place so it's full of Spanish locals. I have a bar crawl having half a beer and a bit of tapas in each place. It's very relaxing. Especially the more beer I get through!!

    Don't forget the apple crumble and custard for the weekend!!!!!

    As I say, always happy to chat. Really enjoy our friendship and can't wait until we're discussing more positive things in our lives. We'll discuss those things during the spa day 😜.

    What's your song of choice at the moment? My music mood is very eclectic at the moment. I have an eminem track on one minute then 'let's hear it for the boy' mixed in with a bit of sting and matchbox 20. Nothing like gangster rap straight in to 80's electronica.

    Tue 18, Feb 2014 at 4:12pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    How are you today? Have you been up to anything exciting with the kids? Thinking of you and sending you best wishes and support!

    My son had his friend over last night it a sleepover so I left them to it and tucked myself up in bed early on with a banging headache. Think my unhealthy diet caught up with me and with all the stress of everything I still feel like crap. Promised my son that we could go and see his big sister in Leeds and he was really looking forward to it so I had to dose up and head over to Leeds! We're staying over tonight so I'm slumming it on the floor of her one bed flat. Then I have to get up, get ready, drive from Leeds to wigan, drop son off, then drive to Manchester airport then fly to alicante then drive two hours to Turre!! But it's time to myself and there's sunshine and tapas awaiting me. Sorry, don't mean to brag!!

    Keep in touch, speak soon

    D

    Wed 19, Feb 2014 at 5:07pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Have a lovely time! Sounds like you are getting your priorities in order and smiling!
    Thank you for you support and friendship.

    Music at the moment is eminen, Republic, roxette, Sam Bailey, Gabrielle - fallen angel in particular.
    Have been to my parents and bumped into a few old friends I haven't seen in 10 years- gave a little lift and nice to be back in the real world for a moment!

    Life in the box so far still hasn't changed anything.,. But not going to dwell I have my journals to write.

    Have a safe journey, enjoy and bring some sunshine back!
    M

    Thu 20, Feb 2014 at 7:36am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,
    Get out of the box and set fire to the bloody thing!! I've found myself seeing people from my past too and it's so nice to be taken back to a time before all the troubles. My parents had a small convenience shop from me being six months old to when I was thirty so I spent all week with my god parents and I called in to see them on Sunday for the first time in ten years or so. I think it just reminded me there was a 'D' before this relationship and there will be another me after it. I hope you felt something similar in realising who you were before and maybe who you'd like to be in the future.

    Hope your eminem song is til I collapse! As for roxette, I hope you do it properly and have the leather pants on and the curly hair rocking out with your hairbrush microphone!! I'll have to pick some CD's to take with me today for my drive. I have been listening to an old CD of my brothers by a band called little angels. Really good sing along driving music.

    Hope your okay, I'll be in touch while in away. Just let me know if you want the full Judith charmers wish you were here updates or not!

    Take care M, please don't live in that box. Your great and deserve so much better than that. I hope you husband realises that soon and moves heaven and earth to make you happy. If he doesn't there's someone else out there im sure ready to treat you like a princess and love you unconditionally and spoon feed you apple crumble and custard!!

    Have a good day. Did you have counselling yesterday?

    Speak soon

    D

    Thu 20, Feb 2014 at 8:07am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    Hope you have arrived safe and the weather is sunny. Enjoy your break, switch off and speak when you return.

    M

    Fri 21, Feb 2014 at 8:50am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,
    Thanks for your message. Got here safely straight in to a bar and now I'm just getting ready for the day.

    How are you today? Have you had a nice week off with the kids? Taken them anywhere exciting?

    I can switch off and relax without ignoring my friends so post away!

    Speak soon,

    D

    Fri 21, Feb 2014 at 9:19am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Sorry, forgot to ask, how have you been getting on with the CBT?

    D

    Fri 21, Feb 2014 at 2:30pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Enjoying your beer pool side?

    Been doing lots of things gone into hyperdrive! Cinema Lego movie. Zoo , farm , indoor adventure land, meeting family members. Stop for a break now!

    CBT really good, have tried doing something like it previously but guess who ruins it all? Kinda had a realisation how much of an impact I've let him become.

    Take care,
    M

    Fri 21, Feb 2014 at 3:47pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Funny you should say that, I haven't got a beer in hand yet but I am poolside overlooking the mountain in the evening sunshine. Not quite warm enough to jump in the pool but warm enough to get my legs out!

    Sounds like you've had a fun, action packed week and I'm sure the kids have loved all the time with you. Glad your enjoying the CBT, I suppose you have to be strict with yourself and make the time to do the exersize sand make sure no one gets in the way of what your trying to achieve. Again, if his support isn't there for you to do these things in order to make a positive impact in your life then that's a tick in the 'not going to work' box. Can I ask what kind of things your doing? Don't worry if it's personal or not something you want to discuss, just interested so I can try and be of some support if you needed it.

    Good to spend time with my cousin and her partner, they're a real help, like my two big sisters. They have a mill house in Somerset which they never got chance to finish before a local farmer became and arse with them and they decided to move out and then moved to Spain so we will be discussing the possible project there which is interesting. Could have myself a 'working' holiday if I need to get a break over the next few months which would be nice. I could my son as my apprentice and get stuck in, well as much as I 'get stuck in'! In work in building but seldom get my hands dirty, I'm the pen pusher.

    Hope your well, keep smiling, speak soon.

    D

    Fri 21, Feb 2014 at 4:50pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Good morning,

    Hope your having a good, relaxing and enjoyable hassle free weekend.

    Speak soon

    D

    Sun 23, Feb 2014 at 9:30am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Good morning

    How's the sunshine? Very cold wind here but has been dry so far! Just bring some sunshine back, house project sounds good. What sort of building will it be? Cottage? New age like Kevin mcould grand designs?

    Fairly predictable weekend here. Have stopped the wine though, which obviously irritates him as I've noticed he's less inclined to have chats 'when I'm not under the influence. He's had major sulks this weekend and although I understand it all and he's been badly hurt by me he's still not moving on or even trying to. There's certainly better ways to deal with things!

    He's already told me he won't support me with my depression because if I want him to help i'll have to do it his way with no outside aid/therapy. I said i don't want to be moulded like one of his army recruits to his specifications (harsh I know but was being honest not tack full ) So he's got himself out of that responsibility as he can't be in control.

    So difficult. I know I'm the one who's done wrong but in the bigger picture nothing is moving forward and after he admitted going through all my stuff purse, bags, trying to set up phone trackers again! , etc there's no trust left at all, but then he says he does trust me? Do I be brave and call his bluff and see where we are left? He's constantly looking for an argument of which I don't rise to at times, just ignored it or agree politely to him.

    Take care
    M

    Mon 24, Feb 2014 at 7:48am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Good morning,

    I think that's the biggest problem of all, the lack if any progress and any signs that he wants to work with you to make a future together. If he ever made that step to move last all this it's still one hell of a journey to take to get to where you are both happy and there's a lot of ups and downs to experience along the way but as he and you both as a couple haven't been able to take that first step because of his attitude instead of dealing with the affair like grown ups it seems it would take six months just to go back through all the shot from the last 8 months or so before you got to have a conversation about moving past the affair.

    At the end of the day, you know you made mistake and you admitted it. Being blunt, it's gone now. It's been burried under so much other shit that has been caused by him I wouldn't even bother yourself in reminding yourself of that anymore. He seems like a very insecure man who is scared to death that if you sit down and talk to someone other than him that you'll see he's not really right for you. I'm not saying that's the case (but a big part of me thinks it) but that's what he's worried about. But again, if you were going down the road to recovery together he may admit that to you so you understood his feelings. Doesn't make them right but at least he'd be grown up enough to explain it to you. That gives you the option to then explain why you need that help and that your a big girl and you'll only do what you feel is right and not what other people may tell you.

    Has he said anything more about moving out and about the other woman he'd apparently met?

    Sunshine is lovely thanks. Had a big walk yesterday so my face is a little pink today! The house is a mill house with lots of land for holiday cottages so it would be a nice project. Maybe I could go down the grand designs route and design some straw houses for the local hippies!!

    Stay strong M, you've come so far even though he hasn't wanted to move things forward. I think your great and I hate to see good people in bad places.

    Speak soon, take care
    D

    Mon 24, Feb 2014 at 9:31am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Thank for your input, the mill cottages sound lovely! How long does a project like that take- I know nothing about houses.

    Took our dog for a muddy walk over the fields got a little lost and went past some woods but it was brilliant. Missed it all so much over the past months. (Children at school).

    Have had a chat about moving forward in January, still not getting it though. He even asked if I had received a card on valentines day from affair person!! No is the answer , husband can't let go. Have told him the other weekend how I understand how much I've hurt him, etc. doesn't make a difference unless I beg and cry.- which I don't do.
    No more about moving out or this other woman, like you say just a load of bull***** . He was nice as pie after he said it all then everything blew up again this weekend. Still figuring out the trigger. We watched "rush" together but he kept making snide remarks about the actor Chris hens worth because I think he's cute, and all my husband kept saying is " I take it he's your idea man then? Look what you've married instead", if just goes on. What to do - if I give him a hug or praise his attributes and he still keeps going on, do nothing and I make him angry. All a mess, but it can't carry on like this.

    Then husband talks about moving house together!!! Future holiday plans etc!!!

    How are you getting on? Any more tan lines?

    Best wishes
    M

    Mon 24, Feb 2014 at 3:07pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    I honestly want to scooped you up and take you off the hamster wheel that you seem to be on. I don't know if I mentioned "mind matters" that explains all the different game people play. It's very interesting and makes it clear just how many games we play within a relationship. The rest of what he does is just pure insecurity and in a living relationship you can ride that out but in this situation I'm sure you just sigh and roll your eyes as well you should.

    As for the holiday plans and house moved, to me that's just to get you to commit to something longer term with him. He doesn't want to ask out right (or I assume he hasn't done this) if you actually want him so instead he'll ask about more practical things to try and get you on board.
    As I said before you can only be there to be whipped for your mistakes for so long and in my eyes that was about four months ago. Your worth a lot more than that. Your life can't be defined by one mistake that you where grown up enough to admit.

    Where would you like to be in 6 months and how would you get there???!!?

    I'm okay thanks. It's rained today but had a few nice tapas in the local bars. Plus a few beers before racing back up the mountain in my little hire car in time for a roast lamb dinner followed by Apple crumble and custard. The crumble was in your name!!! I've got a roaring fire and a glass of wine to go with the apple crumble but not my good friend here to share it with!! 😉

    Got a Swedish massage spa afternoon booked for tomorrow, again you'll be there in spirit! Then I think we'll go out for my last night and I've found a few blokes who live here who are out for a few drinks tomorrow so might tag on to them for a last big night!!!

    Sorry if I've been blunt again! Hope your okay deposits everything and sending you best wishes.

    Take care, speak soon

    D

    Mon 24, Feb 2014 at 6:29pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Wow sounds like your having a lovely time! Wish I was there! Thanks for the apple crumble sentiment, nice to have good friend.

    Have been looking at websites of manipulative relationships and tactics. Any you know that you could recommend would be good, I find the www a bit daunting.

    Enjoy your last days in the sunshine and the beers!

    Have fun,
    M

    Tue 25, Feb 2014 at 3:50pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    It has been nice but I have really missed a partner in crime. I wouldn't say it's her I've missed but it seems no matter I am in the world I miss that someone special. I can drink in the bars and at darts with the Brits over here but someone to walk along the beach with, share a few tapas with and to keep warm in front of the open fire with. Really nice to spend time with my cousin and her partner but they live here all the time so they're not as in the same rush I am to fit everything in before a certain day.

    The website I want was changing minds 'dot' org. They have a lot of information on adult, child and parent states of mind we sit in at different times. You'll probably see that he is living life firmly in the child state of mind whilst you are in parent mode. He stamps his feet and acts up and you have to pander to him to. You both need to be in adult mood to have a chance of moving forward. I can't remember where to find the info on the ges people play but they're on there and they're very interesting.

    Hope your okay. Roast lamb dinner was good and apple crumble was lovely. I raised a spoon full of crumble and custard to you!! 😄 don't wish to speak out of turn but wish you were here to! I had a nice spa day today. Relaxed for an hour listening to my audio book and read the paper having a nice healthy lunch. Spent an hour in the sauna and hot tub before an hours Swedish massage. You really really should have a day like that. Phone off and away and relax.

    Last night tonight and then it's trains, planes and automobiles from 3pm tomorrow.

    Take care speak soon.

    D

    Tue 25, Feb 2014 at 4:15pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Have a safe journey

    Wed 26, Feb 2014 at 6:48am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Thanks you M, hope your well.

    Speak soon D

    Wed 26, Feb 2014 at 10:08am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    Well, back to earth with a massive bump today. Thought last week I was fine and dealing with the separation but in reality I was probably just distracted from it all. Wife is away so my mum has my son until I got home. Nice to be back in my own bed but then I see signs of things she's been up to while I've been away and it's tough. Suppose I have to summon all my fight and strength and start moving forward. Feel like getting back on the plane and going back or anywhere else for that matter. I know why she seems to be dealing with everything better, she can just distract herself with work and other things.

    Don't know how long this living together arrangement is going to work. It is a case of out of sight, out of mind. I've asked if she's leave as she could afford it but she's not for leaving. I didn't really expect any other answer really. Think I may break first and end up leaving and just staying there when she's away. It's far from ideal but it's so so so hard to see evidence of her new life. I've not really changed a great deal in what I wear or what I do and if I did I would be sensitive enough to not flaunt anything in her face but she's not affording me the same courtesy.

    How are you today? Was counselling good this week?

    Speak soon

    D

    Thu 27, Feb 2014 at 9:17am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    I am so sorry to hear its tough being back home. Didn't think it would happen so quick, you need to try and get your plan together - difficult I know. Have you discussed the long term house stuff? Mediation may help. Not sure what else to say. It is heart wrenching and I feel for you. Like a time warp where you've come back and things have moved on without you. Very inconsiderate on her part as it is still your home too.

    Started to jump off the hamster wheel!!!
    Have been doing my legal research - money well spent just got to sort finances and housing. My solicitor says she can get me an exception of court fees and that my affair holds no bearing on the divorce although my depression may cause an issue. Just got to sort this out then deliver the news, my only worry is that our children's birthdays are in the next month and I feel a bit horrid about wanting to seperate before this. My original plan was May time but can't really leave it that long. Guess no time is ever going to be 'right'.

    CBT really good and getting back on track, more positive about things and not bothered if husband doesn't like it. I'm going to get better for my children and he's not going to hold me back no more.

    Stay strong and it's Friday!!!!!

    Best wishes,
    M

    Fri 28, Feb 2014 at 5:51am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Wow, sounds like you've really got things together. We had decided not to see a solicitor about divorce just yet. It seems like she wants us to be separate but live together so I can have our son when she's away, not tell anyone so it all appears normal from the outside and if we don't push through for a divorce if she changes her mind it's a lot easier to get back together.

    Talk about having her cake and eating it!!!!

    Really pleased you've made a decision, as difficult as it is. Your messages sounds very positive and upbeat. I suppose the trick is to remember that feeling of positivity and moving forward even during the days when you feel some doubt about if it's the right thing to do. It must be hard to consider this when the kids birthdays are coming up but is there ever a good time to do something like this?

    I'm okay today, I think it was just a bit weird yesterday. The good things is I still get very very low but it doesn't last as long as it used to before I'm feeling okay again. I just need to start feeling some excitement about what I can do in the future and the people I could meet etc. Let's see how the weekend goes. I haven't actually seen my wife since last Tuesday morning so it will be 10 days without seeing her when she comes home today.

    Happy Friday!! What are you up to over the weekend?

    D

    Fri 28, Feb 2014 at 8:18am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    How are you? It seems a very strange situation that you are in. Maybe you need to consider mediation to sort things out. Doesn't seem fair you are being used as ' back up' if anything goes wrong on her part. She's made her decision, you gave your life to lead. If you had different living places she can let you stay round with your son or she could drop him off to you. Seems very odd sorry to be blunt.

    Had our chat last night. Now he wants to go marriage counselling and says he thinks he has depression/ PTSD and wants to go get help. He doesn't want to let go of our marriage as he feels there's still things to work on/ it's not the end. I feel like I've been re-sentenced to life imprisonment. I said that I wasn't happy with him anymore but he says he can make me happy. He doesn't get it at all, he could buy flowers, help out round the house more but it's just not there anymore. I told him he's the hammer on my head and he's killing me but nothing said back just some crocodile tears for two seconds. Other things i confronted him about and he either denied them or twisted it about rather than admit the truth. I can't spend the rest if my life living with someone who I don't love in that way anymore. He just can't accept it. So we have agreed to try the counselling - if it comes up - he's to make the appointments - at least then that's a box ticked in the 'trying' catalogue. Still keep 'May' as the next deadline. I've just had enough and only doing this for the sake of my children.

    Keep strong
    M

    Sat 1, Mar 2014 at 6:57am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi,

    I'm okay thanks. Went out for a few drinks with a mate last night and stayed at his so still haven't seen her since last Tuesday morning. Going home shortly so I'll see how I feel when I see her again. I don't know whether I'd rather her be horrible to me to in some weird way make it easier. For some work I can throw myself in to this weekend and next week so that's helpful. Still looking for new friends though to try and start the 'life after wife' part of my life. It's really hard to find a platonic friend. It seems men are always viewed with suspicion about what their intentions are. The truth is I have lost a female companion and miss that a lot. I've always enjoyed talking to women who I know through work etc. Not in a flirty way or anything just as a different conversation to what I talk about with my male friends. I joined ** website so I'm * in the north west. Maybe you could check me out. Seemed like the best place to look for friends but even the name is a little misleading. **? It's still people looking for some sort of relationship. I put myself on there and was very honest but I doubt anyone will touch me with a barge pole! It seems like I have to be quarantined for a few years before anyone will speak to me! You'd think it would be easy to say "I'm D, had a bit of shit time, looking to meet some new friends and have some fun and share some laughs". Even though I've been clear on wanting platonic friends and that my situation at the moment wouldn't allow anything more, but that may change in the future, i'm not getting many bites! And I don't look half bad in my picture! Anyway enough about me...

    I really do feel for you. Must feel like you finally came out of the darkness, tasted fresh air and felt the sun on your face only to have to turn around and go back in to the prison cell. I know how hard it is to feel like your going to be the bad guy by ending it. I'm sure a part of you hoped he would agree with you and say let's call it a day. Whilst we know each other so well, I feel I can be honest with you so here goes ........... Do you really want to wait until May to finalise a decision you've already made? Will you really be able to give all your love, time and attention to counselling to try and save a marriage you don't want anymore?
    I completely get it's about the children but go back three months to the very first post and you said you were living as a single mum and during our many chats I don't think that has changed.

    Be honest, what would get you most excited. The thought of sitting through weekly counselling listening to your husband tell someone how you make him feel and what he wants from you. He will try and blame everything on you and it will take time to finally get him to admit his mistakes.

    OR

    Would you be more excited about taking the kids to the local stables in a Saturday and mucking the horses out, feeding them carrots and riding again. Knowing no one was going to make you feel bad about doing it or moan they aren't involved? You need to be true to yourself and what you want. All I'd want when I meet someone new is for that person to be who they are. I think when we are young and in love we change to fit the relationship and then end up pissed off with it. I want the next person to be honest about who they are and what they like to to, if I then don't like that, then that's that. You need to be who you are and live how you want to live and from what you've said in the past you can't whilst your with him.

    I'm really sorry to be so blunt, hopefully you understand I don't mean to be. I just get the feeling you need someone in your corner to make you feel more sure and confident with the decision you have already made. In don't know if I've said this before but it's like your standing on the edge of a cliff face, unbalanced and scared and you just need to summon all your courage and strength to jump to the safety of the the next cliff with all it beautiful trees and tranquil streams. It's scary and sometime rather than jump it's easier to cling on for dear life, but sooner or later that ledge will crumble and you'll fall, so low you may not dare to climb that high again and accept your fate. BUT if you jump you will not only realise you were strong enough to jump but happy that you did so you can have any life you choose!!!

    A bit of a long winded way of making my point I know! That's how I feel now, not sure if it's how you feel. At first it felt like I would be jumping to an equally dangerous and scary position but now I've seen a little more of what my life could be it's making me more sure I need to jump.

    Have a great weekend M, take care and speak soon.

    D

    (A moderator has removed the name of a site and information that may identify the poster)

    Sat 1, Mar 2014 at 9:48am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Just to say thank you for making me smile and cry some tears of joy. Your right with the latter going to the stables, etc. this morning he's woken up like nothing was said yesterday. It will be hard and tough but I'm going down my first route.

    I'm sure you'll get some bites you're a great friend :-)

    M

    Sat 1, Mar 2014 at 10:14am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Just to say thank you for making me smile and cry some tears of joy. Your right with the latter going to the stables, etc. this morning he's woken up like nothing was said yesterday. It will be hard and tough but I'm going down my first route.

    I'm sure you'll get some bites you're a great friend :-)

    M

    Sat 1, Mar 2014 at 10:15am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Thanks M, your a great friend too. Don't know what these last few months would have been like without your help and support and the fact that writing things to you makes me realise what I should be doing as well.

    Wipe those tears away and stick with a nice big smile. Your new life isn't far away and it will be as wonderful, kind and as joyous as you are. You'll soon be knee deep in horse shit and galloping with the wind in your hair.

    Life's to damn short, do what makes you happy. It's what you deserve to be.

    Be brave, be strong and be you. I'll hold your hand while you jump so you won't fall far!!

    D

    Sat 1, Mar 2014 at 10:26am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    How did things go when your "house" partner returned? ( sorry don't know how else to put it)

    Take care and speak soon

    M

    Mon 3, Mar 2014 at 6:40am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    No change really. I sometimes have to just ask the question that it's definitely over and it's what she wants. I don't know why considering I know it's best for me but it seems surreal at times. Living together, making dinner together etc. I think she really just wants things to stay as they are now. So I'm here to have our son as and when required and then to keep her company when she decides she wants it! Sad thing is sometimes it's not the worst place to be! I need to jump!!!

    How are things with you? Did you get up to anything at the weekend?

    Speak soon, have a great day.

    D

    Mon 3, Mar 2014 at 7:30am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Gosh you are so strong to be where you are. It is sad that she's made her mind up and that's hard to take in. So difficult being normal, must be like a false sense if security.

    Not sure how to make things better for you or what to suggest. Thinking cap on!

    Take you're mind off it- How's you're footy team doing? Had any bites yet?

    Maybe we should hold hands an jump together,

    Husband still not letting go this end no matter what I say. He's made counselling appointment and has seen a doctor for PTSD and been referred to the local military clinic. I know it sounds awful but I do wish him to get better but to me it's all too late for us as a couple.

    Have a good day
    M

    Tue 4, Mar 2014 at 7:26am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Morning M,

    Footy team is back to winning ways after a couple of poor games we won the local derby against ( identifying detail removed by moderator....in line with the terms and conditions of the site)) so bragging rights were ours in the school playground yesterday! Spent last night with the other coach working out how to make them better behaved during training etc. It could be a full time job!!

    No bites as yet. Met up with a female friend who I grew up with yesterday for lunch. Our families were very close growing up and we went through primary school and high school together. Hasn't seen her properly for nearly 10 years so it was nice to catch up. She's just about to have her third child and it felt strange us being all grown up!!

    I agree M, we'll have to jump together.

    He's put you in an awkward situation really. He's getting all the attention on him now with the PTSD. He can tell people he's ill and everyone will be 'poor him'. And I doubt your the type who's been telling everyone who'll listen how bad he's treated you lately but he'll be telling everyone his problems. You need to keep calm and focused on yourself and what you know is right. You can offer all the support you can but your probably right, it may be too late for the marriage. Don't be guilt tripped in to halting your plans. He's had long enough to take these steps, it's a bit late when you've eroded away all the feelings within the relationship.

    I wonder how the couples counsellor and his PTSD counsellor may think about him getting other type of therapy at the same time. I only now about PTSD from what I read in the papers so don't know how it affects people. I suppose he could use that as his excuse for his behaviour. Shit, sorry if I've pointed out loads of things you hadn't considered! You just have be sure of your feelings now. You've never said it in so many words but I'm guessing the passion isn't there and the love you once felt has gone or changed to more of a platonic love. In which case is there anything that could be done to revive that? I don't think you'd ever find that out until you were apart from my experience.

    Sorry if I've said too much! I'm here for you always though if that helps. Im on the edge of the cliff, hand held out, you grab on and we'll jump while we can!! :-)

    Your a great woman, great mother and whilst you made a mistake you did a hell of a lot more than most to out it right. You've fought that battle alone and out up with the abuse along the way. You've come a long way and your a stronger person now. Be true to yourself and remember you have the rest of your life to live. I'm positive there is a wonderful life waiting for you out there. Someone who will love you for the special person you are and someone who you will once again open up and give your heart to. Don't accept anything less, your worth more than that ;-)

    Have a great day, speak soon.

    D

    Tue 4, Mar 2014 at 8:03am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Happy pancake day!!

    Tue 4, Mar 2014 at 9:27pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ha ha oh yes pancakes! Hope you enjoyed yours

    How are you now you're back in 'routine'? Well done on the footy front, a good focus for you. Must be nice catching up with old friends, building bridges and a social network. Onwards and upwards

    Having a bit of a low day today. Just feeling really trapped and although husband made an effort to join in with playing a board game last night it's just so sad that I've reached this point for him to take notice of our children. You are right with the passion and it's more if a brotherly love than anything more and I don't see it being anything more. He asked about my CBT not because he cared about me but because he wanted to know what to expect for himself. I know this as i asked him straight as to why he's suddenly taken an interest. So you were right again in the focus being back on him and all about him. He just can't see his side of it all. He has tried to guilt trip me/ emotionally bully into changing my mind but I can't stay with him just because I feel sorry for him. I know it sounds harsh and I don't like saying it but it's the way I feel. From what he has said the attitude he suggests is that if he can't have me no one else will and I'm not to be on my own.
    He has the belief that if we are apart I will be miserable and sit by the phone waiting for his call - no is the answer and he washed over that!

    I haven't told "tom dick and Harry" about my position, only to my parents and a work colleague. I know he has told a few because of the behaviour of some people has changed towards me. I wouldn't put it past him to of put a notice in the local paper!

    I can see no option but to save up and move out if he won't let the divorce proceed and be separate for two years. I will still have to get him to go to mediation to discuss everything.

    Sorry to be so negative but I really do feel back at the bottom of Mount Everest!

    Have a good day, sun shining here
    M

    Wed 5, Mar 2014 at 6:59am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ha ha oh yes pancakes! Hope you enjoyed yours

    How are you now you're back in 'routine'? Well done on the footy front, a good focus for you. Must be nice catching up with old friends, building bridges and a social network. Onwards and upwards

    Having a bit of a low day today. Just feeling really trapped and although husband made an effort to join in with playing a board game last night it's just so sad that I've reached this point for him to take notice of our children. You are right with the passion and it's more if a brotherly love than anything more and I don't see it being anything more. He asked about my CBT not because he cared about me but because he wanted to know what to expect for himself. I know this as i asked him straight as to why he's suddenly taken an interest. So you were right again in the focus being back on him and all about him. He just can't see his side of it all. He has tried to guilt trip me/ emotionally bully into changing my mind but I can't stay with him just because I feel sorry for him. I know it sounds harsh and I don't like saying it but it's the way I feel. From what he has said the attitude he suggests is that if he can't have me no one else will and I'm not to be on my own.
    He has the belief that if we are apart I will be miserable and sit by the phone waiting for his call - no is the answer and he washed over that!

    I haven't told "tom dick and Harry" about my position, only to my parents and a work colleague. I know he has told a few because of the behaviour of some people has changed towards me. I wouldn't put it past him to of put a notice in the local paper!

    I can see no option but to save up and move out if he won't let the divorce proceed and be separate for two years. I will still have to get him to go to mediation to discuss everything.

    Sorry to be so negative but I really do feel back at the bottom of Mount Everest!

    Have a good day, sun shining here
    M

    Wed 5, Mar 2014 at 7:00am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Good morning,

    Don't apologise for being negative. I know exactly how you feel. I've been there so many times. You know what is the right thing to do but there's always that uncertainty. Even if his concerns were genuine you doubt everything he does and says and he doesn't trust you either so that's no basis for any relationship. Don't listen to him about you ending up on your own. He's trying to convince himself of that so he doesn't have to face up to the fact that you will be with someone else in the future.

    Maybe you need to summon all your strength and courage and tell him it's over and that whilst you appreciate it's going to be very hard for you both he should move out and you can work out the arrangements with regards to seeing the kids from there. It seems unfair to uproot the kids when he doesn't do a great deal at home with them anyway. Wasn't he due to work away this month?

    Do you feel safe telling him something like that? Obviously I remember what happened after you told him about the affair but are you safe? He would do anything physically or anything would he? Sorry if that's all too personal but I worry about you knowing what ex army blokes are like.

    Try and be positive about coming to the decision you have and seeing his attempts at putting you back in your box as just that. We've been friends for over three months now and I know how great you are and how caring and loving you are. If I can feel that way having never spoken to you let aloneet you I'm 110% sure there's a lot of men who would move heaven and earth for you. We need to realise in someways we are lucky to be in this position. I know that sounds crazy but with everything that's happened we'll have realised who we are and what we want from life and also what we want and don't want from a relationship. We're only 33 so we can live life again. Kids and marriage has been done and lessons learnt so look forward to the rest of your life. There are people our age who haven't lived fully yet. We have all this life experience, lovely kids and good memories. But that chapter is closing. We can write the next chapter and it can be whatever we want it to be. How exciting is that!!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on M. Dust yourself down and realise your not back at the bottom you've just slipped down a little. You can still see the top you just have to have to keep climbing despite having him on your back.

    Put a nice big smile on, send the kids off to school, attack that work you at have put off and be confident and positive. You can do it. Sending big hugs.

    Have a great day,

    D

    Wed 5, Mar 2014 at 7:55am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    How are you today? Always get a little worried when I don't hear from you for a day. I know you'll be busy but still worry!!

    Hope everything's okay.

    Speak soon,

    D

    Thu 6, Mar 2014 at 5:50pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    How are you my dear friend? Things any clearer your side? Wish I could help you more like you do me.

    Thanks for the 'pep' talk.

    Sorry for not being able to write, my head is spinning. Husband is waving his "charm" again but I have this horrid gut feeling that it's all just a front. I've spoke to my solicitor and they will hold my case until the marriage counselling is complete, then go from there. At least my children's birthdays will be out the way. My heart is not in it though and I'm doing it solely on the benefit of him. Stupid isn't it? Making myself miserable to keep his bubble happy.

    Spent weds evening with my mum and she says I can't carry on like this, and can't be miserable in life and I'll have to harden my heart to what he says. Hubby didn't pick his medication up because it's my fault as I was at my mums - I had our children so I didn't see the issue. Wasn't as if he couldn't go and get it you know? He's also using the children as pawns repeating what I say to them, telling them mummy's too busy to play games as I'm doing dinner and I hate it. It's like a competition and that's not healthy for them.

    I'm exhausted today and another long sad weekend to look forward too. Having to go to mother in laws off their 35 year wedding anniversary party. Irony hey?

    Hope you've got a better weekend set up.

    Best wishes as always
    M

    Fri 7, Mar 2014 at 7:17am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    No need to apologise for not posting, as I say I just worry about you. Glad you have your mum on side with you. It makes things easier knowing those who love you are behind you. With regards to his antics this week, it's like you've got three kids! Seems like his latest plan is to turn them against you a little with the comments he's making. Hardly the acts of someone trying to make a real effort but you know that already.

    It seems like your mind is made up anyway. I think it's going to take one hell of a counselling session to turn things around! And your first comment was spot on, I do wish I could more. We've got to stick together! :-)

    Sounds like a nightmare of a weekend for you. Wonder what comments you'll get of your husband as to the secret of his parents long marriage?

    Haven't got much planned myself. I'll be going to my friends tonight and I'll stay over there then see what the rest of the weekend holds. I've taken my wedding ring off. Should have done it a long time ago! And from now on I won't sleep in the same room as her and if I can help it I won't sleep in the same house as her. Typical of her though she can sense I've taken a massive step back and now I'm getting more "how's your day" texts. I spoke to a solicitor yesterday but as it was the free consultation is was all a bit vague really. Personally I would just rather sort it out with her but she's very stubborn and with her high flying career she things what she says goes. For the time being I would be happy to share the house as a base so one of us is here but I won't have it that when she's back I have to be somewhere else. She's told me she doesn't want me and I can't make her happy, yet I know she'll sulk when she sees I'm not wearing my ring etc. It's like she wants it to be our little secret that we aren't together. Or be able to do what she wants when she's away knowing we aren't together but wants my company when she's home. I've looked at a few house shares but I'm determined at the moment to fight her for the house!

    What's your plans for today? You never did tell me what you do for a living?

    I've had two days stuck in my office Tuesday and Wednesday then I went out for the day yesterday so looks like another day in the office until counselling later on.

    Whatever your doing, have a great day. Give me a big smile and take care.

    D

    Fri 7, Mar 2014 at 8:13am
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    Hi you two
    It is great to see such a helpful dialogue going on between the two of you, great support and friendship! Just to say to Marylin, how would it be to be honest in your counselling sessions and say what is perhaps really going on in your heart, that you feel this relationship is over and need counselling help in separating? Relationship counsellors are also there to help people separate in the kindest possible way if that is the right thing for them at that point in time - and the counselling room might be a "safe" environment for you to broach this really difficult subject. Good luck, let us know what you think.

    Fri 7, Mar 2014 at 9:13am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D and moderator,

    Thank you moderator for your advice I shall be honest and hopefully things will go from there. I have already said I want to discuss things with another person in the room because his personality flips so quick, just as Friday night just gone.

    Dear friend D, you have taken such a big step in moving forward I hope your weekend is well. Taking your wedding ring off is a big signal and hopefully she will realise that she can't play games with your heart anymore, you deserve so so much better.

    As I say Friday night was a flip night and I ended up in so many tears and had trouble sleeping again. He was so calculating and waited for the right moment, planned and executed. It's horrid then today he's mr nice guy and we went to London natural history museum for the day. My head is screwed for sure.

    I work as a special needs teaching assistant in a primary school. Great fun :-)

    Enjoy the rest of the weekend, keep fighting and speak soon

    M

    Sat 8, Mar 2014 at 6:20pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Sorry to hear about Friday and thanks for the nice words for me. I don't know where I'd have been without you to talk to.

    How was the history museum? Did the kids enjoy it even if you had to play nice with hubby?
    He's showing no signs of giving up any part of the fight is he? Your dead right to discuss things with someone else and as the mod said, there are sessions to help people separate but I suppose you still have to go home with him afterwards. Just as long as you feel safe, everything else will be what it will be. Something has to break sooner or later. You could be doing this dance indefinitely otherwise. And you deserve much better than that too.

    I have had a more positive week overall. Feel some momentum now ready for my big jump!! I went to stay at a friends last night and came home at lunch. We had a chat, there were tears but I've decided I'm going to let her buy me out of the house and ill rent somewhere for twelve months while things get sorted. Found a nice little cottage in a nice village ten minutes from home so I'm going to arrange a viewing for that tomorrow if the agents are open in Sundays! Feel excited about the prospect of moving on. Had an afternoon in Chester in my own little world. Had my music on and had a walk. Then picked one of the coffee places here I could sit and people watch for a bit! Really enjoyed it, although I do wish I had a partner in crime to do it with. But feeling more positive and when I'm down I don't stay down as long as I used to. I'm not up for a big drawn out divorce and sorting things out through solicitors and neither is she so I just want what's fair and I'm outta here!!! My sons welfare is all I'm bothered about from now on. I was thinking of going in to a house share but I need my own place where he can have his own room and feel part of it all.

    Now we need to get you to that stage where your making decisions, assuming your anywhere near ready for that, obviously. I need some company on this next phase!! But whatever happens I'm always here for you. Can't wait until we're exchanging messages about positive things all the time. I'm sure you can't either!! Just imagine that!! A message saying Hi D, had a fantastic weekend, went riding, played with the kids and had the mother of all roast dinners followed by the daddy of all apple crumbles!! Seems such a small thing to happen yet it's been a distant dream for us both for toooooo long now.

    Hope your okay M, I do worry about you.

    Your job sounds fun. I've worked in lots of schools with my job so I can imagine how tough and rewarding it is. Would be a damn site better for you if you didn't feel like you were doing the same job at home when he stamps his feet and throws his toys out the pram!!!

    Chin up M, keep smiling. By hook or by crook you be riding along with the wind in your hair wondering what all these problem where all about!!

    Speak soon,

    D

    Sat 8, Mar 2014 at 7:47pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    How did the house hunting go and how was the rest of your weekend?

    Speak soon
    M

    Mon 10, Mar 2014 at 7:17am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Weekend was okay thanks. A bit lonely if I'm completely honest. I don't mind doing my own thing during the day but it's hard in the evenings to sit in the house while she sits in another room. I find myself just desperate to get out. It's like I'm trying to escape that feeling of loneliness but unless I've with friends no matter where I go I can't outrun it!!

    House hunting is okay. Need to arrange some viewings today. Not really sure what I can afford but I'm going to do all I can to make sure I've got somewhere nice. I'm not going from a nice family home with gardens etc in to a small flat or something. It needs to be right for me and for my son. I don't mind if I have to get a lodger to help with the rent but I need to make sure I get the best place I can. We have agreed to joint custody so I will have more time to get stuck in to work and make sure I can live comfortably. I'll get a second job if needed.

    Just need to get out of here. It's daft but I feel more alone when she's in the house than i do when she's away with work! It feels surreal when she's here but when she's away it's relaxed and comfortable. Also I can't imagine I'll make many new friends living with my ex!! I'm not saying I'm ready for a relationship but I wouldn't mind doing the things I like to do like eating out, going to the cinema etc with someone, rather than just going to the pub with male friends.

    Anyway, enough about me. How are you and how was your weekend besides the night you mentioned previously?? Did you say he'd booked your counselling session? If so when is it and have you decided how your going to approach it?

    Hope your okay, speak soon.

    D

    Mon 10, Mar 2014 at 7:34am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    My word you are moving forward and so amicable with it all. You surely are a fabulous person after the way you've been treated. How did the viewings go today?
    Being in the house together must be hard knowing that it's over. I don't blame you for wanting to get out the house just difficult to do so at times. Focus on your goal, any bites in the other website??

    Got last CBT tomorrow, marriage on Thursday morning. I have no idea what I want to say of how to be. One minute I think be business like let no emotion show but then I know I will crack once he starts all the blame on me. Yes I'm a big part but it doesn't resolve the initial downfalls. It's gonna to be a heck of chat that's for sure and I know I'll get drowned out. The other part of me just wants to say " for me it's over, with all that's happened the love has died so can we move forward as a separated couple now, thank you very much".

    My children and I enjoyed the museum, mother in laws party was great fun! Hubby said thank you for the example you set us' I just cringed. Then things were okay until he started showing all his cousins and friends his photo of his latest giant "number two" in the toilet. Great hey? Especially with our children in the same room.

    Nuff said I think or I'll rant to the hills!!

    What am I doing in life hey?

    Best wishes as always, enjoy the sunshine
    M

    Mon 10, Mar 2014 at 3:28pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    You may have felt very proud when he was flashing the picture about. Maybe you should have said that's a visual representation if your marraige or would that be too harsh!! Shit and going down the pan! Sorry if that's a bit blunt! With the counselling you can only be true to what's inside. It will be hard to say your piece from what you say about him but you may out yourself back months if you say something to keep the peace that you don't mean. At least there's a professional in the room to diffuse the situation if needed.

    How do you feel about finishing the CBT? Do you think you've got what you needed out of it and have you been able to do the exersizes when you've needed to? Has he supported what you've been trying to do or belittling you for it? I can tell in your messages that you've come such a long way in how much more certain you are and how you see his actions for what they are. On one hand his comment at the party was somewhat a cliche in that situation but the synic in me thinks it was more emotional turmoil he was trying to cause. I would have liked to have been there if you'd have had a few drinks and at that point you stood up and explained all his bad behaviour to the party and said what kind of example is that, before turning the table over and walking out!!! Just make sure if you ever do that you remember what you need to take with you, you can't make a scene like that and sneak back in for your purse!! Ha ha

    I have a viewing booked for tomorrow and I have the details of a few more. It's exciting in a way. I'll be able to but things that I like rather than suggesting things for the house only to be bloody ignored and give up. I am still in the market for a bit of company. I did meet up with someone last week but we'll see how that goes. If only lived closer M! And these bloody moderators would let some contact info slip through the net! Maybe you can by my online wing woman! I'm a bit at a loss when it comes to what woman of our age want. After all my experiences good and bad to date I'm pretty clear on what I want really and whilst there's are some things I can bend on I have an good idea what I want. I thought it would be the same with woman but I don't think it is. I'm not looking for any kind or serious relationship but of course I want some company and a little kiss and hug but that would be good or now. If something developed, great, if not I'd see how it went and see it through to whatever happened.

    Some people I've met seem to be a bit more vague and I'm a bugger for trying to read between the lines. All I've ever wanted is honesty from someone but instead I end up thinking stupid things about how to reply to a text or when to text etc. It's not my favourite game! It may all seem too soon but I haven't been with my wife for months now and I think I just had to end the limbo phase and crack on with life. And I've spent enough nights sat in on my own and enough days at the weekend doing this alone, I've had enough. You'd think it would be easy with all these single people to find someone who's free on a Sunday afternoon for a drive out and a coffee but I can't find a website for 'anyone free tomorrow'. With the woman I met, we had a great chat via the website, a bit of flirting and a good laugh, we both said how exciting it was to be meeting and we both said we'd had a great time and we'd do it again. Then the trail goes colder. We still text. The impatient part of me wants to say "so, what's happening then?". She's had a rough time herself so that's a factor but if she didn't like me is rather she just said then I could wish her all the best and move on.

    I'm not the type to find several people and see what happens, I'd rather see each thing through and if it works great, if it's not meant to be then that's okay to but at least I know! You woman like to make things complicated!! I'm sure your not like though M!

    And you can rant away anytime, that's what I'm here for. As I say, once we've jumped well soon be discussing our new relationship issues with new more suited people. Alright, that may be a while off but it's something to aim for! Imagine that, constant relationship chat, no one will ever come up to scratch to either of us will they !

    It's a night out in Leeds for me tonight with my daughter so that will be fun. Hole your okay, have a good night.

    Speak soon M, give me a smile 😃😃

    D

    Mon 10, Mar 2014 at 4:38pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    You may have felt very proud when he was flashing the picture about. Maybe you should have said that's a visual representation if your marraige or would that be too harsh!! Shit and going down the pan! Sorry if that's a bit blunt! With the counselling you can only be true to what's inside. It will be hard to say your piece from what you say about him but you may out yourself back months if you say something to keep the peace that you don't mean. At least there's a professional in the room to diffuse the situation if needed.

    How do you feel about finishing the CBT? Do you think you've got what you needed out of it and have you been able to do the exersizes when you've needed to? Has he supported what you've been trying to do or belittling you for it? I can tell in your messages that you've come such a long way in how much more certain you are and how you see his actions for what they are. On one hand his comment at the party was somewhat a cliche in that situation but the synic in me thinks it was more emotional turmoil he was trying to cause. I would have liked to have been there if you'd have had a few drinks and at that point you stood up and explained all his bad behaviour to the party and said what kind of example is that, before turning the table over and walking out!!! Just make sure if you ever do that you remember what you need to take with you, you can't make a scene like that and sneak back in for your purse!! Ha ha

    I have a viewing booked for tomorrow and I have the details of a few more. It's exciting in a way. I'll be able to but things that I like rather than suggesting things for the house only to be bloody ignored and give up. I am still in the market for a bit of company. I did meet up with someone last week but we'll see how that goes. If only lived closer M! And these bloody moderators would let some contact info slip through the net! Maybe you can by my online wing woman! I'm a bit at a loss when it comes to what woman of our age want. After all my experiences good and bad to date I'm pretty clear on what I want really and whilst there's are some things I can bend on I have an good idea what I want. I thought it would be the same with woman but I don't think it is. I'm not looking for any kind or serious relationship but of course I want some company and a little kiss and hug but that would be good or now. If something developed, great, if not I'd see how it went and see it through to whatever happened.

    Some people I've met seem to be a bit more vague and I'm a bugger for trying to read between the lines. All I've ever wanted is honesty from someone but instead I end up thinking stupid things about how to reply to a text or when to text etc. It's not my favourite game! It may all seem too soon but I haven't been with my wife for months now and I think I just had to end the limbo phase and crack on with life. And I've spent enough nights sat in on my own and enough days at the weekend doing this alone, I've had enough. You'd think it would be easy with all these single people to find someone who's free on a Sunday afternoon for a drive out and a coffee but I can't find a website for 'anyone free tomorrow'. With the woman I met, we had a great chat via the website, a bit of flirting and a good laugh, we both said how exciting it was to be meeting and we both said we'd had a great time and we'd do it again. Then the trail goes colder. We still text. The impatient part of me wants to say "so, what's happening then?". She's had a rough time herself so that's a factor but if she didn't like me is rather she just said then I could wish her all the best and move on.

    I'm not the type to find several people and see what happens, I'd rather see each thing through and if it works great, if it's not meant to be then that's okay to but at least I know! You woman like to make things complicated!! I'm sure your not like though M!

    And you can rant away anytime, that's what I'm here for. As I say, once we've jumped well soon be discussing our new relationship issues with new more suited people. Alright, that may be a while off but it's something to aim for! Imagine that, constant relationship chat, no one will ever come up to scratch to either of us will they !

    It's a night out in Leeds for me tonight with my daughter so that will be fun. Hole your okay, have a good night.

    Speak soon M, give me a smile 😃😃

    D

    Mon 10, Mar 2014 at 4:39pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Good morning D

    Wow you have been busy haven't you? How was your night out?

    Sounds like you have your focus and it's time to get moving. It's great that you are mingling with other ladies, just stick to who you are and the right one will click. Yes we all have to give and take, there is no mirror image of ourselves just got to find the puzzle piece that fits each way, I.e. Similar interests etc.

    Last CBT and hubby isn't interested , he's only asked about it when he wants info for his therapy. I've asked him if he has applied for his place, etc and he says he has. I take it all with a pinch of salt, the contact numbers on his form were made up ones so we shall see.

    So far he's turned into mr perfect this week, put some washing out, made me a cup of tea, sending me messages that he loves me. All of a sudden he can't wake up on time etc after I told him about the sleep therapy thing to do, just so he can say "I'm doing all this but I'm ill and she's making my life hell". .My gut feeling is that it's all a front ready for Thursday so he can say he's great and I'm the baddie even more than usual in front of the marriage counsellor. Great tactics on his part don't you think or am I being too over sensitive?

    Time for me to get my battle plan ready. I need to write some pointers down so I don't get backed into a corner because that's what will happen and I'll end up even more trapped in this ridiculous marriage. My heart is getting hardened and no way would I ever want to be romantically involved again. I'm done!

    Just need to see the games and keep my head above water. No way do I want to be sucked in anymore. I read an article on emotional abuse and the person said lots of people had told her to leave but she couldn't because of the web that was weaved. She didn't know what life was anymore so the abusive one was normal to her. I can sort of relate to that. You doubt yourself so much that you can be convinced that the sky is green by your husband. Hope you get my meaning.

    I know my rants must be hard for you to read as our situations are so alike but from different perspectives. Thank you for sticking with me. Always here for you. I agree with the contact stuff, saves being one of the longest threads on here!

    Have a great day
    M

    Tue 11, Mar 2014 at 8:36am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Would have usually replied before now but wanted to be able to read things properly on the PC rather than my phone before replying!

    Night was okay thanks, it was nice to see my daughter and we had some dinner and then went out for a few drinks but she didn't feel too well so we didn't stay out too late. She's great company, however she didn't give up her bed so I had to sleep on the 2 seater ikea sofa. Considering I'm 6' 4" it was not the most comfortable of nights, that's for sure!!

    You absolutely need to put your thoughts down on paper so you don't end up going of on a tangent and not making your point. You'll only have an hour and a good chink of that will be taken up with explaining how you've got to where you are so you need to have your facts to hand and stay calm. Let him rant and rave, do your best to keep your composure no matter what the provocation!! Easier said than done.

    I don't think your being over sensitive. If you'd have been going through this for a few weeks then maybe you'd have to look at yourself but you've been on this ride for so very long now. You know his games and you know how he operates. Don't doubt yourself, you don't need to.

    I understand your views on becoming hard to anything romantic, but its sad that he's driven you to that. Sad that Mr Right may roll up whenever and you'll see right through them. Hopefully he's so perfect you wont be able to stay hardened for too long. And don't worry about your rants. Yes, we are from different sides of the fence but I would have loved nothing more than this level of honestly and decency from my wife. We both deserve better than this. Its not hard for me to read, its refreshing that some people out there can hold their hand up and admit their mistakes. If he'd have treated you the way you deserved to be treated none of this would have happened.

    I'll be honest, I did email the website asking about being able to contact each other off the site as I think we both need that support and understanding outside of this forum. We've lived our lives out in full public view. They explained why they couldn't allow it and I understand their reasons to a degree but you'd think they'd be able to allow something like a throw away email address to be published even if they removed it after a couple of days. We are both getting the jumping point and I know I'd stay more positive knowing you were there, just as I have for the last three months! Any chance or advice moderators????????

    Anyway, a week in the big bed for me while she's away. Had a look at a few properties today. They were nice but I may have to get something bigger than the ones I've looked at as I work from home so I don't want to have to rent a house and an office. Its been good to see a few things, but this is where a friend would help helping me evaluate all the options!!

    Stay strong M, seems like your going the way you want, in fact need to go! Its going to be painful and difficult but long term for all involved things will be better, have faith!

    Speak soon, take care

    D

    Tue 11, Mar 2014 at 5:35pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    You did have me worried I must admit! Typing on a computer must be so much better than these phones!

    Sounds like you've had a good time with your daughter and keeping positive with the houses, etc. how's your son in all of this?

    Have put a few things down on paper , but thoughts and conversations run through my head. You've told me more of what to expect than my hubby has so thank you for that. He now wants to go in the same car and will pick me up from work -think it's another scare tactic to stop me saying what I want to say as we would have to travel back together. Part of me is already starting to brick it but I know to get out I've got to be plainly honest, and I guess he's going to have a pre rant this evening trying to gauge what I'm going to say.

    Have also found out rent arrears are not being paid or the residing rent each month, so now I know staying here is a big no and have to look into council housing.

    A big can of worms is all I can say! Katy perry song all the way I think!

    Big shame with the moderators rules are rules I guess.

    Have a good day
    M

    Wed 12, Mar 2014 at 7:31am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    It's not going to be easy but it could be the opportunity to make your feelings perfectly clear. If you don't, as I said before, you could end going back months. Saying that, I went to couples counselling with my wife and it went well and then she said she wouldn't go again and how the counsellor didn't give any insights that we didn't already know. That sent me the message loud and clear that she wanted it to be over, so there's a plan B for you!! It might give him more ammo to make you out to be the bad gut but at this point do you really care about how he tells the story anymore? In sure you'd just rather get out of it all, stop the games and see the world outside of the bubble your forced to live in.

    Let's hope whatever you say the counsellor helps him understand your thoughts and feelings, or that you don't live too far from the counsellor if you have to walk home if he throws his toys out of the pram! I'll be thinking of you all the way though.

    We are telling our son what's happening this weekend. I'm going to sign up for a house today that I've seen and after sleeping in it, or rather, not being to able to sleep, I've decided to go for a little cottage I saw yesterday. It's not very big so moving from where I live now to that will be strange but it's very quaint and semi rural with a big park next to it so plenty of room to kick a ball around with my son. I'm excitedly nervous about it all really but I suppose I can't put it off any longer.

    I'm sure when you speak to people about sorting a house out you'll feel better and that you've started to walk down the road you want and need to. Living in limbo is just the worst. I haven't been able to sit in this house knowing it's over but not knowing when it would be official and what would happen next. Now that I do I am a lot more context so hopefully it will be the same for you M.

    Have a great day. I'm assuming you mean the song roar from Katy perry? If it's the 'I kissed a girl and I liked it' song out conversations are going to take an interesting new twist!!! Ha ha ha

    Speak soon

    D

    Wed 12, Mar 2014 at 8:51am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Just thought I'd say good luck for tomorrow in case I don't speak to your, well message you before you go. I'll be thinking of you, stay strong.

    I'm going to have to print this thread soon and read through it. Our thoughts and feelings almost every single day for over three months! It will be like reading our autobiography, but with less jokes and funny stories!!

    Remember, stay calm and relaxed. If he wants to throw insults around, let him do that, don't rise to the bait. I'm sure in that environment with a trained professional he will realise what is right and what's not. My hope for you is he realises this and he then sees what the marriage has become. Maybe the optimist in me, but I want you to be happy sooner rather than later!!! Alternatively maybe he'll realise what he's been like and the error of his ways and make everything great again but I'm not sure you'd want that. Just trying (and failing) to be impartial.

    Hope you've had a good day and the kids at school have been good for you!

    Take care, speak soon.

    D

    Wed 12, Mar 2014 at 3:34pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Thank you so much,

    Everything else great in my world. Took the children out for a play date at an indoor centre, great fun. Told hubby be home later as on a play date and he tracked us down and turned up. Said he was off to get some supplies from screw fix and just happened to spot my car. My friend even raised an eyebrow!

    Katy perry definitely roar and not the other. Ha ha

    Have notes to hand and just getting in the right mind set, no backing down if I can help it

    Thank you again
    M

    Wed 12, Mar 2014 at 7:32pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    This was a nice surprise getting a message at this time! Glad you've had a good day until he showed up. He's not giving up easily I'll give him that! At least you got to spend some time with your friend which must be a change.

    Worries me that not only did I used to have (and a I stress used to have) some of your husband tendencies but it seems he works in the building industry like I do!! I don't get my hands dirty thought, I'm a short and tie builder, all brains.

    Good luck, your wonderful and deserve better. Don't settle for less that you deserve!

    Have fun and take care

    D

    Wed 12, Mar 2014 at 9:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Afternoon D

    How are you lovely sunshine where I am. What you been up to?

    Well what a counselling session. Ended up as hubby being told to stop the emotional abuse and the ball is in my court as to whether I wish to have counselling and if so as a separation or as working together as I've already find down the divorce route. She said to have a good think because in 5 years time neither of us would want to regret anything. I never got to tell her that I can't stand kisses or hugs with him! And he never got to play the poor me scenario, all his mr perfect act was washed away. I'm not gloating it was just nice to see someone else look right through it but I guess that's what they are trained for.

    God knows what I'll get tonight.

    School pick up so have to dash

    Speak soon but feeling better to our my feelings with someone else in the room. Thank you D and moderator.

    M

    Thu 13, Mar 2014 at 3:41pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Glad things went okay today but I hope ever more that things are okay tonight. I imagine his pride is bruised after being called out in counselling. Hopefully he will realise his faults and work on things, but to what end is up to you I suppose. Did you manage to stay calm and collected? Did you manage to get your point across?

    I'm okay thanks. Was close to agreeing all the details about my split with my dear wife but as usual she's gone most of the way and then moved the goalposts. She's talking about getting solicitors involved which we agreed we wouldn't do as we wanted things to be sorted quickly and amicably. She's really got my back up now. As usual I've tried to be honest and up front with everything while she kept her cards close to her chest. I think she's realised what's happening and is stalling now as she's not ready for it. I imagine she's distracted herself with work for months while I've been forced to deal with what's happening each and every day. She's getting the house, all if the furniture apart from the bed and all the things we've night over the years. I'm lea job our nice big house to go to a small cottage and start again. She's unbelievable. I'm still waiting to find out what she has issue with. I've suggested several ways for us to each see our son while she just rejects everything. I have kept a list if all the nights she has stayed away which is an average of three nights per week. I suggested our son needs stability and it's better for us to have him for a few days at a time so he's not hopping between houses each day. I'm really annoyed with her attitude. We were close to agreeing everything and even though she's getting the best deal she wants more. Looks like I'm in for a fight!!

    Anyway, I just had a few meetings today and made a few social calls to friends. Nothing exciting I'm afraid.

    What did you get up to beside your session? Have you been working today or were you off!

    I'm going to calm down!! Bloody woman! Ha ha ha

    Hole your okay. I'm glad you for chance to message earlier than usual, I was thinking about you today!

    Speak soon,

    D

    Thu 13, Mar 2014 at 7:50pm
  • Cc Esme Flag

    D, It's good to see the way you and M are both supporting each other and I do hope you can both navigate your way through your difficult situations.
    It sounds as if you are sensitive to your son's needs and want to get things right for him. You might like to take a look at this new feature on our sister site, the Parentconnection.

    http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/splitting-up-put-kids-first-a-new-online-service-from-the-parent-connection

    What do you think?

    Thu 13, Mar 2014 at 9:15pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi Esme,

    Thanks for the information. Of course my main concern is my sons welfare but my wife's attitude makes it very difficult. She knows she can't be here as much as she's like during the week but won't just admit that and make custody arrangements around that. My son likes routine and he knows as well as i do that even when she is home she is always on her phone working.

    Hopefully she will see sense as I want to avoid a fight!

    Thanks,

    D

    Thu 13, Mar 2014 at 10:15pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Good morning D

    Oh dear we are both doing a cha cha, two steps forward, five back.

    Do you have family mediation service where you are, worth looking into as they are cheaper than courts/ solicitors and it's all done in an amicable way. I think your wife has to realise that she can't have her cake and eat it and I'm sure the court would say so as well. How old is your son because if over nine he will be asked his preferences, I just hope your wife doesnt start to play "pigging in the middle" with him, it would make things do much harder on his part.

    As you've guessed I survived last night. He was angry and shocked that the counsellor saw right through him and it was all about him. No talk about if we move forward then da da da..., it was all about him, how he cried after the counselling and he cried in the bed beside me soon stopped when I didn't take any notice though. He said he didn't like it when the counsellor pushed for a decision from me and he was sorry he couldn't say anything to help me. I replied that I can hold my own corner thanks and like I said In the counselling I digest, think then give my answer. I take no decision or answer as a whim, it's well thought through. He looked shocked and backed down saying yeah okay. Then he said that he forgives me for everything and that he hopes that he's the one I want as a husband still.

    I know this is so similar to your situation a few months back but I really need some input again! I am way over 80% sure I wish to separate, the only thing is I feel for our children and that holds me back because it won't be easy due to how hubby will respond and mum in law fight his corner for him. Aside from that when I look back over our relationship as a whole it's been so onesided for so long I really have had enough. Hubby is so used to having his way in everything that I firmly believe that I would be better without him. Without being dragged along in his life without anyone else's needs met. Is that harsh/ unfair/ selfish?

    I do feel that if we go to counselling that we would be flogging a dead horse so to speak.

    We it's Friday long weekend I feel this weekend. Just going to try and get out there keep occupied as much as possible. Would love to take my children away for a weekend so I could think without him but it's not going to happen.

    Hope you find some resolve and peace this weekend

    Thinking of you
    M

    Fri 14, Mar 2014 at 6:51am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Glad you got through last night. Sounds like the counselling broke some of his walls down and you seemingly got more emotion than usual but are they crocodile tears? If I'm totally honest I don't see how you could have a future with him. I've said before it's a almighty mountain to climb if you can stand to give him a hug as things stand. However, it wouldn't be impossible to sort things out if you truly wanted to, but my feeling is that you haven't got the energy and he's eroded your love and feelings away.

    It's never an easy decision to make. Lots of people say they would leave if their partner did this or that and they would never stay together just for the kids etc etc but it's not until your in the thick of it that all those thoughts go out of the window and the decisions become much harder. Obviously the kids will be affected short term but as long as they have a loving home and their routine stays as normal as possible and they aren't used as pawns in any arguments etc, they will be fine. It's a modern world we live in so it's no longer uncommon as sad as it is to have divorced parents.

    Your dead right about the dance we're doing but let's be positive that we are still able to take some steps forward. I had to resort to emailing my wife last night. She was texting all day and then she stopped and ignored my texts in order to try and assert her control which is what she's done for years. It's all very disappointing.

    Your not being selfish or unfair. You've been worn down and you can now see everything for what it is. I would guess it's just a case of staying calm and collected and consistent.

    I dread the weekends at the moment. Although now I know I'm leaving I do feel a little more content in being here this weekend where I would usually get out of the way. I'm out with friends tomorrow so that will keep me occupied.

    Hope your okay today, thinking of you to as always.

    Speak soon,

    D

    Fri 14, Mar 2014 at 8:18am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ps I think you would of been proud of me in that I was calm, collected, firm and fair at the counselling. Just goes to show us red heads can be calm when necessary, ha ha

    Fri 14, Mar 2014 at 8:19am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Wow M, didn't know your a fiery red head!!! Ha ha. To tell you little secret with the exception of my wife my previous partners were red heads with minimal make up. I think that's my type! 😉 god knows a small brunette with a drink problem isn't!!! Ha ha, you have to laugh.

    Of course I'm proud you stayed calm, I just hope you see how great you are for staying calm and be proud of yourself. Keeping control if what you do and say is about all you can control so no point worrying to much about everything else. Just do things that mean you can look at yourself in the mirror and be content with how you are and what you've done. I make it sound so easy!!

    Let him bounce all over the place if he chooses to do so.

    Have a great day,

    D

    Fri 14, Mar 2014 at 8:59am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Hope your weekend is good and you have enjoyed a night out. Good to get your mind off everything.

    How is your son coping?

    You are right in your post, it is too late and the more soul searching I do the more I do. I've looked at our relationship as a whole over the years and I'm not afraid of being on my own, I am not afraid to put my happiness first for a change. This door had to close because it no longer leads anywhere for me, it would just keep him happy and I would be miserable. I need and want to focus on my children and myself.

    Now to write my letter for him. It will be hard for the children but if things are done properly their world should not be a devastating earthquake, more of a windy storm.

    Been listening to 'happy' from pharrell Williams because it's fun,

    Keep staying strong because better things are out there waiting to happen .

    Take care
    M

    Ps I'm not that fiery!

    Sat 15, Mar 2014 at 9:48am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Sounds like your ready to jump! Your right about the kids, it's how he deals with it which will determine how much it affects them. If he promises not to argue in front of them or try and turn them against you or anything like that, then things can be relatively smooth. I'm not too sure based on what you've said about him whether that will happen though. I fear he will use them as pawns to try and keep you, fingers crossed I'm wrong. Hope the letter writing goes okay, but you are in the calmest frame of mind for a long time so I'm sure it will be concise for him to read.

    As for life up north, I'm okay. My son is okay, he's known for a while things are coming to an end. I spent my Friday night in next home, m&s home and ikea looking at furniture for the new house. Going to make a full list today of what I need to buy and put some budgets against things and do more shopping to see what I can get. Quite exciting really. This time next week I will hopefully be posting from my new place and you'll be responding knowing where your heading as well!! As fat boy slim once said, we've come a long way baby!!!!

    Anyway M, don't be jumping on the 'happy' band wagon now I said you should have that blaring out of the stereo a month or so ago!! Ha ha. I have it on my iPhone and every time it comes on I want to strut/ dance down the road or supermarket aisle depending where I am!!

    Have a great day. I'm so pleased we have both got to a better place and your damn right, better things are out there for us both. Don't close your heart off though, you must have a ton of love to give after the last year and there's a perfect man out there for you when your ready for him and he will be one lucky bugger to have you!

    Speak soon

    D

    Sat 15, Mar 2014 at 10:07am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    How's your weekend? Grand Prix watching?

    OMG last night I've had the stark realisation that my hubby things we are all ok and that I just need to make a choice about going to counselling or not. How stupid have I been, what the heck to do now? He's washed over the counsellors line about me deciding whether or not to put the divorce on hold, etc etc. he's planning holidays and I'm like no it's over but he doesn't get it. He's washing over it all or sticking his head in the sand. Maybe he doesn't want to realise it but if he doesn't it's going to be one heck of a fall.

    Our daughters birthday is next weekend then it's his, my mum says to at least wait until their over but to me it's prolonging it all and giving false hope. Between a rock and a hard place, I don't want my daughter to have memories that it's around her birthday her world broke up.

    Had such a great day yesterday as well really focused and lots of clarity about it all. Had fun sliding down the slide with my children as well as feeding the ducks!(hubby at work all day)

    Hope you okay

    Why can't things just go smoothly for once??? Sorry ranting again

    Speak soon
    M

    Sun 16, Mar 2014 at 6:12am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Rant away!! Anytime you need to. I'm going to guess your husband knows now what's going on and he is trying to distract you as well as himself from the inevitable. I don't think he really cares where to go on holiday but it is a question that requires a medium term commitment from you if you agree to go on holiday. Forgive me, I can't remember how old your daughter is (sorry) but two grown up should be able to work through this and still be able to give their daughter a nice birthday to remember. I don't think at a younger age they will associate what happens the days after their birthday as being related to their birthday. So it all depends whether he can be grown up enough to put his feeling aside for the sake of his daughters day.

    It's really hard when you feel your surprising someone with the bad news it's over, especially when you think they should know!! My wife basically told me it was over despite me wanting it to be over yet I still checked I'd heard correctly and they we were over before I started moving on. Very strange.

    Did you finish the letter to him? Hopefully you have and then maybe it's a case of sitting him down and explaining briefly how you feel before giving him the letter and letting that explain the rest. Just be consistent with him. It seems like I'm advising you how to deal with a stroppy child rather than a grown man. So I understand your frustrations. I'm guessing even when he has is in black and white in a letter that it's over and there's no going back he will still have times where he acts like it's not happening. Maybe it's just his defence mechanism. If only to convince himself for a short time that everything is okay.

    So glad you had a good day yesterday. I'm sure that gives you added confidence of how happy you will be when you start the next chapter of your life.

    As for my weekend. Spent Friday night in ikea, yesterday in the trafford centre and last night went to Manchester to watch a friend and a friends band play a gig for the release of their new single. They're not big in any way but it was a laugh. I decided to drive as we have a big game with the kids footy this morning so could roll up tired and hungover!! Saying that some of my kids wil!! Ha ha

    I had my application accepted for that house so I can move in this week. I just need to get things signed by my wife to make sure she doesn't go back on what's been agreed like she has done already this week!

    No Grand Prix for me. Not a fan really. Football all the way!! Hope you have something fun planned.

    Good luck with him, don't give in. It's all a game and he's trying to crack you. You've come sooooooo far in these last three months and I can tell how sure you are now of what you want and deserve. Looking at holidays and things is fine but even that isn't an attempt to rescue the marriage. Its a way of trying to paper over all the cracks so everything seems great.

    Have a great day, take care, big smile!!!!

    D

    Sun 16, Mar 2014 at 7:36am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My daughter is going to be four. Hubby can't stop hugging me and stuff even though I've told him I don't want it or like it. I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He says we've had a good week! Have I missed something??

    Going mad again! Despair utter despair!

    Maybe time to turn fiery red head although I don't think it would do any good.

    Sun 16, Mar 2014 at 11:39am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    She won't remember much about a separation. She'll enjoy her birthdays as much as ever. Only thing that will be a problem is if he reminds her of what happened around her birthday every year. But kids aren't daft, she'll realise what he's doing as she gets older.

    I suppose I can only say is stay calm and consistent. If he chooses to ignore what he's being told at least you know you have told him what's happening and what you want for however long. He knows what's going on, he's just opted to take this course of action to try and force your hand to stay around. Maybe it will take some fiery bluntness from you to get your point across. Let's be honest you must be full of frustration and emotion just ready to burst out!!! Maybe that's the only way he'll understand how you feel and what you want.

    It's really hard to consider being slightly horrible to someone you love and whom you've shared your life with but what else can you do? You'll end up doing what's needed to get your life how you want it to be happy. How long that takes will be up to you. Be kind to yourself and get the life you deserve.

    I've had a massive breakthrough! I've booked sky TV to be installed in my new house!! I haven't got the keys yet or sorted the furniture but they're secondary to having the TV to watch!! £70 a month to watch a few football games and TV shows I've seen before anyway! My son will watch it more. Maybe I should read more.

    Im thinking of you and I'm here for you to chat, rant, laugh or anything else I can be.

    Speak soon,

    D

    Sun 16, Mar 2014 at 7:06pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Good morning D

    Bit of luxury this morning tapping on the iPad!

    Congratulations on your new house, sending you a virtual home warming card :-)
    You must be feeling very positive and I know it's sad saying goodbye to your old place but that's where the negative memories are and your new place will be a happy and healthy one for you and your son. Think of all those new memories to make!

    I hope your wife has seen sense and realised its time to let you go and signed the paperwork, stay strong and don't look back!

    Glad to hear you have priorities in order for tv, can keep up with the footy! Just remember to get a fridge to keep some beers chilled! He he

    Any more choices on your furniture?

    May finally have an evening to myself as hubby says he's not home until late, at least I won't have to spend hours at the park after school just to have some peace with my children! Harsh I know, but I am suffocated and I can also double check my letter.

    Have a good Monday, not long until you have your new keys,

    Best wishes,
    M

    Mon 17, Mar 2014 at 7:21am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Thanks for the card! I would have thought a cyber bottle of wine would have come my way, but I'll let you off while you have so much going on 😄.

    See, your days off to a positive start. Full use of the iPad a few hours alone tonight. I've learnt if your grateful for the small things you'll be rewarded with more good things. Check over your letter and make sure it covers everything you feel and want to say even if it's a little harsh in parts.

    Made my counter offer to my wife. Hopefully she drops the smug arrogant attitude and lets us move on. I just want to splash the cash on some new furniture and relax knowing I no longer have to live on the rota if who sleeps in the big bed, who stays away and who sleep in the spare room. I'll be having a chat with my son tonight. He knows what's going on but I haven't spoke to him one to one as yet. He can pick his bedroom furniture and pictures and I can get it ready for him to stay in Thursday and Friday with me. I'll get the beers in for me and the j2o for him. Not decided on furniture just yet. Going to call in at a few places again today and then get a van in Thursday and pick everything up and fit the house out. Your obviously invited to the house warming party!!

    Hope you have a good day today and enjoy the time alone with the kids.

    Speak soon, big smile 😃😃😃😃😃

    D

    Mon 17, Mar 2014 at 9:26am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you for the virtual invite, love to come along and support you :-)

    Sending you a big virtual hug ( from the tone of you're writing you sound like you need a hug)

    M

    Mon 17, Mar 2014 at 3:35pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Thanks M, I needed that!

    Hope you've had a good day. Only a few more days and I'm free!! Can't wait. You'll soon be there too. It's been strange looking around the shops. Usually I would see things and think 'she won't like that' now I can get what u want!!! It's amazing though how much s**t you need for a house. Over the years you just collect stuff but starting again is tough!!

    Thanks again for thinking of me, sending big hugs and good wishes your way.

    D

    Mon 17, Mar 2014 at 4:18pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    How was your evening? Have you been round the charity shops? Down here we have a furniture warehouse one with decent bits in at reasonable prices. Just a thought. Will you be having a takeaway too on your first night, if so what do you fancy?

    Evening crashed and burned. Hubby home early and has used the children as leverage to get me to stick around. You were right again my dear friend.
    I could kick myself though I was so tired last night I just didn't have the energy. He said I'm taking the kids for a weekend at the end of April, I said that'll be nice, he said I want you to come, I said I think on it. Then gave me a puppy face look. I went up to bed and he asked if I wanted him to come, I said no F off. It's all about him. He said we have had a good week, I replied no you have and I get the told off puppy disappointed look. I feel like I'm on my school playground! I really wish he would wake up and smell the roses.

    I'm just going to be cut and dry. Phone mediation get an appointment and tell him to be there. Even his work mate said he doesn't listen and has more intuition on our relationship. He will ruin birthdays but I will pick the pieces up as usual, depends how soon I can get an appointment.

    More exhausted today then ever before didn't sleep well and that's not happened for a while.

    Hope you have a better day
    Sorry to keep ranting on I just need a kick up the backside ,

    M

    Tue 18, Mar 2014 at 6:43am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Morning M,

    Evening was okay thanks. Just me and my son. Explained to him what's going to happen this week and he was okay with everything which is a relief. Then just shopped online for a bit. I do need to find some second hand places as I'd like some unique bits of furniture if possible and I want to make my money go further but some of them are all house clearance stuff from OAP's so not my taste. I'm not sure if ill have a take away, it is usually a given when you move house you spend the first night surrounded by boxes with a take away on your lap but haven't sussed out the local take aways yet. Another job to add to the list!!! I'll probably opt for a pizza as my son will be with me and he doesn't eat much Indian food so I'll save that for another night.

    It seems like another plan to get you to commit to something so he can think your at least staying together until that weekend in April. I'd say "you take them on your own and spend some quality time with them, I'll have things to do on my new house by then"!!!! Maybe. A bit harsh but it would seem your talking to a brick wall sometimes. I'm really at a loss as to how long he can keep this up for. Maybe he thinks he can wear you down so you'll just submit and stay. Where are you up to with the letter? Seems like you need to get it under his nose ASAP. Are you still keeping your diary up to date? Hopefully you have and you have a note of when you've had certain conversations and you can refer back to them to explain how this shouldn't be a big surprise.

    The mediation is a good idea. I think it's hard when each person goes for advice and then tried to relay that advice back to the other one. Neither of you believe what the other one says so doing it together makes it fair. Is he pushing for another counselling session?

    I know how you feel today. I haven't slept properly these last few days. Keep waking up at 3 & 4am and then falling asleep at 7am and feeling like crap. It's the stress we are under!

    Hope you feel better now, you know once you've give it to him both barrels you'll feel like a weight has been lifted. Be strong!!

    Have a great day M, speak soon

    D

    Tue 18, Mar 2014 at 9:03am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    Have you slept any better? Is today the day you get the keys?

    I am pleased to hear your son has taken it well and is looking forward with you aswell. Bet he can't wait to be with you this weekend and design his own room.

    Had the chat last night as he pestered for an answer on counselling. I told hubby everything I've been thinking of on here once again. Told him I don't love him, can't stand hugs, kisses and just want a divorce and that 95% of me wants to separate.
    He responded with that I was the one who had the affair and he had the chance to do the same but he was the bigger person and didn't go along that path. I said I am past being made to feel guilty, I know I've done wrong and I've tried to right it all but we are no different than a year ago. Didn't go well he said I'm his wife and that's that. To me that is possessive.
    He said would tear me down in the courts and say this that and the other, I said well I would of thought you could be grown up about it all and how things go depends on how you handle it.
    He said that he deserves to have another chance as he took me back last year, I said that I'd been unhappy for a long time, he said the past year hasn't been easy for him either - I was meaning more than the past year but it went over his head! - and I don't really wish to prolong things, what am I to do stay in a marriage and be miserable just to keep his bubble happy, so he can have it his way like usual? He didn't like that either, just carried on about what he wants and disregarded how i was feeling entirely.

    He's off to Bristol today so he says so hopefully get my act together tonight. I can understand going to counselling for the sake of our children but as I explained I'm not giving him hope that there is anything between us anymore and what happens if I still feel the same after it all? He had no answer as that's not an option, he seems convinced I will fall in love with him again. Once bitten twice shy is my response. He also blames his parents for the way he is, I'm sure he is a narcissist/sociopath. My inner self says to run get out as fast as possible because the dynamics of our relationship won't ever change. He will continue to have it all his way and suck the life out of me.

    Would really prefer to have a proper chat, but forum is forum,

    Best wishes on the furniture hunt,
    Take care,
    M

    Wed 19, Mar 2014 at 7:23am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    I wish we could talk properly too. It's hard responding so matter if fact in text without being able to gauge a persons response etc.

    Well done for saying your bit. I know you didn't get the response you'd hoped for but let's be honest it was never going to happen. At least now you've laid the foundations. All you can do is reaffirm what you've said and how you feel. Your dead right, a ring or a piece of paper doesn't make you duty bound to be unhappy if the other partner decides that's best for them. Again, it's the last cry of a desperate man who maybe had no other response to what you were saying to him. If it's a divorce you want you need now to stay consistent. Don't dangle any carrot that may put you back weeks. You don't have to be nasty. I hate using my personal experience when talking as I'm not saying this is the right way but when it was my time to make things change I told her how I'd always love her, how I'm glad we've shared out life together but that feeling have died and lines have been crossed and it's time to move on and begin new lives apart. It's easier as she wanted the same but you can get through this with love and kindness. Not all divorces have to be shouting and screaming through the courts. Decide what you want from the divorce and what you think is fair. Seek the right advice and see if what you want is achievable and stick to your guns. I've dropped £9k from what I wanted because I wanted things finalised but I'm impatient!!

    Glad you stood up for yourself about the affair. He can't use that stick to beat you with forever. It's sad to suggest but maybe the only way to get him to understand is to go along with that line and say he's right, you had the affair and you feel it's only right that you should separate so you can both move on. I didn't want to accept at first that I had a part to play in my wife's affair but something wasn't right with the relationship for her to have done it and when I sit back and think about it. I wasn't happy either.

    I think the next counselling if you decide to go needs to be about a grown up way to separate and how you'll each deal with it and interact with each other. Maybe he needs that more than you but it would be good for you to understand maybe why he deals with things like he does so you can find techniques to make it easier all around.

    Having a social day today before the big move tomorrow. Picking up keys this morning then out this afternoon and evening. My dear wife is trying to make me out to be the bad parent because she is going to a thing at school that I can't make. She doesn't come watching him play football or anything but that's okay!

    Hope you have a good day, let the bugger hear you roar!!!

    D

    Wed 19, Mar 2014 at 8:47am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Just to say I hope you had a good day , picking up the keys and so here comes your new chapter!

    Hope you sleep well tonight and tomorrow goes well for you,

    Sweet dreams as they say!

    M

    Wed 19, Mar 2014 at 10:52pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Thank you so much for your message. Had a nice day, saw some friends and now it's time for one last sleep before the new life begins.

    Hope you had a good day. Tell me all about it in the morning (well it will be the morning by the time you read this).

    Sweet dreams indeed.

    D

    Wed 19, Mar 2014 at 11:17pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Good morning,

    Big day is here for you, I shall be thinking of you all the way.

    Yesterday was okay, hubby stayed away and everything was so much calmer. I know this is bad but our children didn't even say anything, not even "where's daddy?" . It makes me sad as it shows the extent of the issue and to be honest I was able to sort some stuff out and have a good old chat with my mum on the phone. Just chewed the chud really and it was nice not to have to sit there with hubby listening in to the phone call.

    In a way counselling would help us both in separation and I really don't think he will ever see things for what they are. We interpret what we say to each other so wrongly and even in plain language it still doesn't hit home.

    Can I see myself with him in a couple of years, no I really can't. The more I try to convince myself the more I repel myself. I think stay together for the sake of our children until they are 18 but I wouldn't want any physical contact what so ever, like flat mates if you like, but that's not healthy.

    Have to make a decision before he returns tonight,

    Thought about your first meal in your new home???

    Keep smiling,
    M

    Thu 20, Mar 2014 at 7:27am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Glad you had a nice night alone to spend with the kids and to think about things. Your so right, in these situations we hear what we want to hear and when the trust is broken we analyse everything someone is saying rather than take it at face value. I keep saying be consistent and that's the most important thing with the kids I think. If you carry on about your daily life as usual the kids will feel settled and calm whatever happens. If it's all erratic and they don't know what to expect next that's when it will hit them more.

    Counselling would probably work but only if he's willing to accept it's over. I know money isn't the most important issue in all this but you don't want to be paying so much per hour for him to be trying to convince you to stay while your trying to leave. From what I know of him, my guess is the minute he accepts what's going to happen he will then try to control the process of separating and try to rush things through. Deep down he'll be trying to scare you and panic you in to questioning whether your doing the right thing. But if he does do that at least things will move forward!

    Just need to pack my last few things and get moving. Shouldn't take long to move the stuff from the house. Plan is to get it set up and then decide what else I need straight away and what I can leave until another time. Luckily with the amount of stuff the supermarkets sell these days if I need something at 9pm there's a chance they'll have it!! As for our first meal I'm not sure but its tradition to get a take away! When I first met her I was 18 and from then we lived in a different house for my birthday until
    I was 24. The market was good back then and I liked moving house! We have a time when we split up and bought separate houses as well. I said to my son we can have a take away as it's our first night in our new house and I didn't realise until he pointed out that he's never moved. We found out we were having him just after we'd moved in to this house.

    Thanks for your thoughts today, really great to have someone thinking of me. As always the feeling is mutual and I hope you have a good day.

    First thing I'll have to do it find out how to do the laundry!!! I'm not in charge of washing clothes, I do ironing and putting clothes away!! Bugger

    Speak soon,

    D

    Thu 20, Mar 2014 at 7:58am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I feel your pain leaving such a memory with your son. Remember the good memories, there will be more to make with your son in your new home, where you will both laugh together. I didn't realise you had been together for so long.

    The happy song came on the radio so I did a little dance in your honour.

    Stay strong keep smiling look to the future,

    Big hug

    M

    Thu 20, Mar 2014 at 3:40pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Dance your heart out!! I can't wait for you to get to where I am now. It's a hard road to walk but it's well worth the effort. I've just had a nice cold beer with my pizza, tucked my son up in bed and feel free to be myself again and live life as it should be!! I couldn't recommend it more!!

    We had been together for a long time but a year of hell erodes of that away. We haven't been together in the way a married couple or any couple should be since November. I am a very loving person and whilst it should have been 50/50 in terms of what we out in to the relationship I'd happy give more than my share for the right person, unfortunately that wasn't my wife and I'm glad I saw that when I did. The world has just opened up to me again and it will to you when you can make the break.

    There's a lot of hard work ahead to earn the money to pay for everything as well as have a decent life but facing that positively and free is an amazing feeling. I've found myself again since I decided not to live as a live in baby sitter for a heartless witch!! Life begins at 33, come join me and set yourself free!!

    D

    Thu 20, Mar 2014 at 11:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    I am so happy for you and glad you have the sunshine you deserve. So glad your son has settled in okay too,pizza hey. Yum!

    Had big text discussion last night and it ended with him stopping it as soon as I stood up for myself and said maybe counselling would help the transition. This morning he acts like nothing was said because he has ended up with what he wants. I explained that counselling can't make people love each other and that has gone, he still can't see why the crack happened. All I can deduce is that he has had everything he's ever wanted at the cost of others, so he sees no flaws but from my side there are plenty. Guess he will never see it for what it is. It shocks me that it takes an outsider to point things out yet he can't when I say it. I was consistent though and just said goodbye to him no physical contact.

    Enjoy your Friday, sports relief at work today should be a laugh!! Daughters birthday Sunday so going to try and make it as much fun as possible.

    Best wishes as always my dear friend, one day I hope I'll be free!!

    M

    Fri 21, Mar 2014 at 8:31am
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Just think it's another chip away at the shit your trying to break through to be free. It seems that how he operates! Talk until he gets what he wants and then stop everything so he doesn't have to consider anything or anyone else. Must be so frustrating but things get easier when you can see them for what they are, you'll soon see there's not a great deal you can do to change him but you can change how you deal with it and how if affects you.

    Your doing the best thing offering to go to counselling to make it easier for you both. If he doesn't want to you've done what you can! I'm sure you'll have a fantastic day in Sunday, just hole he doesn't use it as a chance to emotionally blackmail you about things.

    I'm back at the other house that used to be home at the minute. Just waiting for a mate who's helping nice my office stuff to a new office. So it's been an action packed week! Need to do some work today and then I djnt have my son at the weekend so I'll have to catch up then. I don't like saying this as I really wish I could change your position and get you to the good place I'm in but this week has been great. New start with personal things and work has gone crazy so hopefully I can afford all the things I want!!

    Enjoy your sports relief day today, sounds like it will be fun in school.

    Big hugs, keep smiling

    D

    Fri 21, Mar 2014 at 9:00am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks D

    Going to celebrate for you this weekend, sorry if you feel I've been raining on your parade not meant to. Go and enjoy god knows you've been through enough.

    Keep partying and smiling,

    Best wishes
    M

    Fri 21, Mar 2014 at 3:10pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Don't think that at all! I know what it's like to be alone so ill always be here for you whether your happy, sad or indifferent !! I want to show you it does get better and that things will get easier and better, moan and rant all you like, I'm your shoulder to cry on!!

    Speak more later

    D

    Fri 21, Mar 2014 at 4:32pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you D you are one in million and I'm glad our paths have crossed. You truely are a great friend. Have a fabulous weekend, always here for you too

    Wishing you all the happiness and good fortune in your new life

    M

    Fri 21, Mar 2014 at 8:26pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Which tunes you listening to? I like 'I lived' by one republic. Completed my mile for sport relief with my sen pupil.

    M

    Fri 21, Mar 2014 at 8:33pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Thanks for your nice words, it really helps and as you know the feeling is mutual.

    I've been listening to josh kumras album as well as some songs James Arthur did when he was called the James Arthur project. I like the John legend song all of me but I think the song say something by great big world will live as my divorce song. I imagine 8 months ago saying that to her when all she had to do was say something so we could sort things out but it never came.

    I'll have to see how I get on at the weekend. Whilst I have my son here with me I'm not alone, I wonder if the weekend when I am alone feels better or worse. At the end of the day I haven't been in a relationship since November but probably even before that so I'm very ready to move on. Life to short!!

    How are you tonight? My son is tucked up in bed so I'm just watching music channels. Can't be bothered concentrating on something in particular

    Keep smiling, speak soon.

    D

    Fri 21, Mar 2014 at 9:21pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    How's your weekend been?

    Had a good time for our daughters birthday. Negative side is that the person I had an affair with has been mudslinging at my hubby for the past god knows how long which explains a few things, but I don't understand why my hubby couldn't tell me, god it's a can of worms here. Just when I thought life was going well it all falls apart.

    Speak soon,
    M

    Mon 24, Mar 2014 at 3:20pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    So sorry I've not been in touch as usual, still no broadband in the house!!

    Glad you had a nice time with your daughter. You'll have to tell me more about the feud between the two blokes?!?

    Rushing around as usual. I'll get to the cafe later and talk more!

    Thinking of you

    D

    Tue 25, Mar 2014 at 8:48am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Glad you are okay I was getting worried. How was your weekend, thought how you may be getting on, how's the shopping and ironing front?

    It has come to light in chats with my hubby that mr affair has been feuding and mudslinging at my hubby right up until Christmas. Mr affair is now having another affair with his best mates wife by all accounts and my hubby knows all this so mr affair is scared that my hubby will tell on him. So that's the feud, can of worms as I say. All happens in the countryside! Lol

    Doesn't excuse how hubby has been with me since I told him everything and I have had nothing to do with mr affair since that day. I can see how it all has affected his behaviour but he should of chatted to me then about it rather than of behaved the way he has done and to an extend still is. Hubby has still killed it I just feel so sorry because it is a sorry situation. Like I say we should of done counselling months back before one of us stopped loving. Hope you get my meaning.

    Anyway enough of me and this laughable situation, how are you coping? Been concerned

    Take care
    M

    P.s had a celebratory drink on your behalf

    Tue 25, Mar 2014 at 3:37pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Sorry again for going AWOL! I've been sorting the house out and I'm slightly more rural than I used to be so I really need broadband were as before I could rely in 3G! Broadband is being connected tomorrow so that's good news. All settled in now, just finished building the furniture for my sons room, put some pictures up for him but he still needs a few bits but I've spent a fortune so far! Had the day off today and had a nice lunch with a new friend. There is life after all this M, you need to get out of that rut he's got you in and go have some fun!!

    I imagine your husband is just venting his anger towards mr affair. He will ultimately gain nothing from it as the problems are bigger than what's happened he just won't want to accept that. If he blames the affair and nothing else he doesn't have to look at himself and his faults.

    Sounds like real life emmerdale where you are!! Ha ha

    One things that's making me smile is how you are sounding happier and that it's only a matter of time before you fall so out of love with him you just walk away. You deserve better than what you have now.

    Hope that all makes sense my phone keeps losing signal so I'm trying to be quick.
    I'll be back as usual tomorrow!

    Take care, speak soon,

    D

    Tue 25, Mar 2014 at 9:19pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    So glad to hear you are going so well, you had me worried. How's your new friend, sounds so lovely, sorry if I'm being nosey!

    I guess yours right again, it has been a distraction to say the least but our issues haven't disappeared and I've told him I've had enough of men for life. , my heart is closed, didn't go down well and he won't acknowledge it.

    Hope the broadband works okay, best wishes,

    Speak soon,
    M

    Wed 26, Mar 2014 at 3:46pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    To be honest I feel little guilty that in where I am and your still stuck in the mess. I thought a few weeks ago we jump together and you'd make the break! I'm sure that day isn't too far away. Hopefully my new found confidence and lease if life will rub off on you and you'll see the life you can have once you free yourself of your troubles.

    My new friend is very nice. It's just nice to be able to laugh and have fun again and you'll do just the same. Please don't write off men, you deserve to be happy and whilst you maybe don't need a man to be happy, there's someone out there who I'm sure will count his lucky stars the day he meets you. Not all men are the same M, you will be happier than you ever thought you could be when you can break the shackles off.

    You will get through this and you will find a happier life for you and the children. What's your next step? Will you be going or have you gone for anymore counselling sessions alone or together?

    Hope your okay, take care, speak soon

    D

    Wed 26, Mar 2014 at 5:28pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    I am so glad you are so happy, big virtual hug dear friend. You write so much better and seem content that you've done right. How's the new home settled in yet? Got used to all the creaks and groans of a new home? Bet it's nice being slightly more rural , how's your friends and family taken it all? Sorry 20 questions time!

    I did jump with you unfortunately I was grabbed by the ankles and dragged back down again. Hubby says if he can't have me no one will. He's promised so much to our children( holidays, etc) I've become stuck between a rock and a hard place. He says if he is my best friend I will fall back in love with him and all will be okay again, I said no and that counselling won't make us love each other, just works on what went wrong and how to be amicable for our children. I feel like I'm living with a flat mate. It's horrid and I feel horrid towards him because I know how I feel yet feel sorry for my hubby and bad because I can't give him what wants. I can't make it any plainer to him yet he sticks his head in the sand.

    Grab my hands and pull me out of this quick sand D!

    Best wishes how's the broadband?

    M

    Thu 27, Mar 2014 at 3:40pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    I've got both hands out for you to grab and I'm not going anywhere!! Sounds like more emotional turmoil for you. Surely he must have some self respect to realise the situation and let you go. They say if you love someone set them free, not trap them and suffocate them!! I've heard people say they feel like they are living with a flat mate when the relationship goes sour, but I don't think that's the case with you! At the end of the day I think you'd have more time for a flat mate than you must have with him these days. I suppose I was lucky me and my wife no longer wanted each other. I can't imagine how tough it must be to try and break free when someone's holding on so tight. How can he expect you to fall in love with him again when he's innhisnworsr moment since you've known him!! Madness. I suppose it's easy for me to say having had a relatively easy seperation and the divorce is agreed and it's just a matter of time til that's finalised.

    I'm always here if there anything I can do!!

    As for me. Yes, I'm getting used to the house. Managed to get the wood burner working yesterday which was nice and the broadband has made everything easier!! Friends and family are fine, I've been honest about things for the last twelve months or so. She has denied things and hidden behind her work so her friends found it a but of a shock and some people who us haven't seen for a while are shocked as they don't know the recent history behind it all. You can ask as many questions as you like M! Nice to have someone interested in me. I'll soon be discussing issues with new friends!! I thought saying life would be easy at our age as unknown what I like and don't like and i assumed other people had the same ideas but I may be wrong!!

    Bloody woman!! Ha ha

    Hope you've had a good day at work, you'll be getting all the Easter crafts ready soon I'm guessing!

    I have a night of meetings and work ahead of me!! Got lots to catch up on. Granted I've taken time off to see friends but the works rushing in! I'm not complaining just need to find a nice balance.

    Thinking of you, my hands are out stretched for you to grab!

    Speak soon

    D

    Thu 27, Mar 2014 at 5:04pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    My word things are going well for you, I am so happy for you!

    Would be so nice to have a proper chat, maybe one day :-)

    Have been doing mothering day crafts at school which is fun.

    Have a fabulous weekend you up to much?
    Got lots of children's parties to attend this weekend so another distraction. Maybe one day he'll wake up and realise, back to house moving again now and I don't want to go with him. Have said as much too but deF ears once again, guess I'm just going to have to slip away.

    Enjoy the sunshine!

    Much hugs
    M

    Fri 28, Mar 2014 at 3:08pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    My word things are going well for you, I am so happy for you!

    Would be so nice to have a proper chat, maybe one day :-)

    Have been doing mothering day crafts at school which is fun.

    Have a fabulous weekend you up to much?
    Got lots of children's parties to attend this weekend so another distraction. Maybe one day he'll wake up and realise, back to house moving again now and I don't want to go with him. Have said as much too but deF ears once again, guess I'm just going to have to slip away.

    Enjoy the sunshine!

    Much hugs
    M

    Fri 28, Mar 2014 at 3:08pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    I wouldn't say things are going that well but I feel like I've found myself again and to be honest I quite like who I am now!! The real me is kind and caring, confident and a decent bloke. I'm going to sound very very odd here but it's like I've been in a cocoon for years and now I'm free of that I changed and become what I was meant to be. Would love to chat properly. Maybe I should just put my number up and see what happens!! It's a real shame they can't see our relationship is more than a few posts now! It's been four months of talking every day.

    Sounds like you've had fun in school. I really need to get on top of my work. I'm a very very busy but have taken a few afternoons off to see my friend but I don't think I'll be doing that for much longer! But that's another story!

    I have only work plans for the weekend unfortunately. Working in the morning on someone's house then I'll be going to my office to get my work done there then it's football on Sunday morning and then probably more work. Would love someone to ring up and offer a fun night out but alas I don't think that will happen. I can always go to my local and carry on introducing myself to the regulars. Need to get used to having the house to myself. It's not too strange during the week as I'm used to being on my own after 9pm when my son is in bed it's just the weekends I'll have to get used to. You'd think a nice bloke like me could find a little friend to share a bottle of wine in front of my log burner stove !! I have my son all next week from Monday to Friday so that will be good. He seems to like it with me at the new house so that's good.

    Wish I had some great advice as to what you could do. Apart from beating him with a big stick that says "I don't want you anymore" I don't think he'll accept much else!! Get a train north and hope he gets the message!! Wish I could do more as I can't wait for the days we talk about good things rather than you being held back from living a life worth living, suppose that's a bit strong but you know what I mean. You don't want to just exist, you need to live, love, laugh and have fun!!!

    I've borrowed a big pole from the local swimming pool to try and get you out of the sand!! Grab on, there's fun fun fun and more fun for you to have when you get free!!!!!!

    Take care, big hugs

    D

    Fri 28, Mar 2014 at 3:53pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    How is your weekend going, or if its Monday when you pick this up, how was your weekend? I'm sure your fed up of pass the parcel and party food after the parties but hope it gave you the time away from things and the distraction you wanted. Any improvements or changes etc at home?

    Still wondering how I can get my number to you so we can talk properly! Bloody forum! ha ha. Could really use a good friend right now. I'm happier now and I love having my own place to come back to. Before I would be calling in to see people and stay out of the family home but now whilst I still call in to see people I am happy to come back and relax at home. Problem is I am really missing a female in my life. I have a new friend but I don't think that will go much further than it has. We get on great, have lots of fun and talk and laugh when we're together non stop but the daft thing is she has the same feelings for me as I do for her but she has an nutter of an ex who has threatened to harm her if she was ever with someone else, so I think that threat has made her think if I'm worth the risk. I can't really imagine what that's like. The selfish part of me wants her to chose me and we can see where it goes but I can appreciate the dilemma she's in. I think she's now trying to find a reason to end things and it be a problem with me, but I'm a decent bloke and I know I wont let her down, or anyone down.

    I promised myself I would be true to myself and what I did and didn't want. I didn't think playing games would be a part of dating at this age but then again most people our age have lived, had kids, got married etc and if they're single now its because things didn't work out and they will have been hurt. I suppose its the same as you saying your off men from now on! I have lots of male friends and more than ever, a lot of single male friends, but what they want to do is not the same as what I want to do. Like tonight (sunday) I want to go for a nice walk, get something to eat and share a bottle of wine before coming home, watching a film and going to bed. Its not the same with a bloke! I just want to relax and be myself not have to talk shit all the time!!

    Feeling in a moaning mood today, so sorry about that! Had kids football this morning which we won then I've been working the rest of the day in my new office before heading home. Now its 5pm and the weather is nice for a walk out somewhere, a nice pub meal with a couple of drinks and then coming home and lighting my wood burning fire and relaxing before another busy week! I'll end up doing some more work, watching crap on the TV and then walking down to local pub and sitting with all the old boys with their pints of mild!!

    Anyway, enough of my moaning! Hope you are well and theres been some positive change for you to report!

    Big hugs, take care, speak soon.

    D

    Sun 30, Mar 2014 at 4:06pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Feel Free to rant god knows I do! :-)

    Crumbs you have been up to a lot. Just stay focused on what you would like and don't mould yourself to fit someone's else's ideals. Nice that you have met a new lady even if the circumstances are a bit unusual. How's it all going?

    Fabulous footy again then? Must be great running about having a few laughs. I take it you're all settled in now, got your sons bedroom sorted and such like. Must be so nice being able to breathe.

    As for me right back to square one, had the "are you being civil/ not talking to me " lines when we have been chatting. Hubby says I will never see my children again if I divorce, saying " it doesn't hurt when I hug you" to me and I hate him touching me!!! Feel sick to the stomach.. No more counselling booked so that was a carrot. Followed me around to all the parties ear wagging in conversations that I was having. On a positive he cooked me breakfast in Sunday though but then all day kept seeking praise for it, what's he want a sticker chart or something? Worse than the kids at school,! Got Easter coming up so can sort myself out.
    On top of everything else, Emmerdale it is here as mr affair has been round shouting the odds due to hubby and his feud with him, now have a meeting with the landlord of whom mr affair works for, so we shall be kicked out of the property. I am so angry with it all, why can't I just be left alone to live my life and this horrid nightmare end? Maybe I should go see my relatives up north with my children, get away from it all.

    Hope your day was better today,

    Speak or rant soon!!!
    M

    Mon 31, Mar 2014 at 5:20pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    You should definitely come up north to see relatives!! You can stop off at a little village called (place name edited out by moderator...against T&C's of site) and try the local pubs with a good friend! 😉 You'd be very welcome!! Sounds like your just going round in frustrating circles. It's bad that mr affair has got involved, I can imagine that's only increased your husbands desire to cling on to you even more. Looks like I can give up on hoping he will see sense and deal with things like a grown up! Maybe ill just have to hope he gets a knock on the head on site and that knocks some sense in to him.

    Really want to put my number on as I've said but I'm afraid they'll kick me off and I'll have no way of contacting you which would be a disaster!! We'll have to come up with a cunning plan?!?!? Get thinking M,

    House is more or less sorted, just need some pictures and things to make it more like home but all the furniture is sorted. Sons room is sorted with a marvel comics theme. He has all the furniture he needs but the room looks a bit bare so I'll spend more money on things just to fill it! I'm alone tonight but then have him for the rest of the week then it's off to aintree for the races on Friday and I have a party to go to on Saturday so that's a nice distraction. As for woman, well, I can see why you feel like giving up on men, I may just do the same with women! I thought it would be easier to date and not play games but when they get to our age it seems they're either single because they're nuts or they're emotionally traumatised from previous relationships, which while understandable is raring all us good men with the same brush!! All my counselling has made me the person I want to be and I think I'm a decent bloke. Sensitive, caring, funny and romantic but even though I am myself with them they still think I must just be like all the other men they've been with. I'm not the type to go on date after date and whittle them down as I don't think any good relationship can start that way but maybe I'm wrong, the norm seems to be to date loads of people and never go to far with things! Maybe it's still to early to date, but really miss that companionship.

    Your dead right about not fitting in to someone's mould! Keep telling myself not to accept anything less than I want. Same goes for you though M, if you can't be who you are with him, start again and find someone you can be yourself with. Whilst the issue with the house is worrying, maybe you can use it to get what you want and break free. Again, all easier for me to say than it is to do I know.

    Let me know when your coming up north and I'll dig out my apple crumble recipe card!!!!

    Speak soon M, big hugs xx

    D

    Mon 31, Mar 2014 at 6:48pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Hope your okay, get a bit worried when we don't speak for a few days.

    I'm hoping you've been busy jumping!!

    Speak soon, take care. Xx

    D

    Wed 2, Apr 2014 at 11:07am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    How are you enjoying time with your son? Nice to hear you are so settled in your new home.

    I'm busy spending as much time out the house as possible. I'm suffocating badly last night I said I'm off to Tesco, he said why so I said to get a few bits as I'm not dragging the kids round after school, he said after a pause that I don't need to ask his permission to go out just go. Am I completely nuts or reading too much into it all or something else????

    Have the landlord visiting tomorrow do that should be "fun" guess I'm going to be the hopeless demoralised wife who can't look out for herself. I feel I've been well and truly set up yet I have no evidence. I've asked to see the emails and he won't show me them and he's not helping with the bills.

    God help me I don't want my life like this anymore, if I can't be free then there's only one other option.

    Go sparkle D you're worth it any lady would be mad not to be with you,

    M

    Wed 2, Apr 2014 at 3:07pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Thanks for your nice comments, it helps when I'm feeling down.

    I'm really worried about your comments to be honest. I'm sure you don't mean it but please please don't talk like that. You can end all this torture. If you feel this low then maybe telling him straight and asking him to leave or leaving yourself with the kids. You obviously can't go on like this anymore. I'm begging you to make sure if you are feeling that low that you go and speak to your counsellor or someone ASAP.

    You've got me worried now, just want to give you my number then you can talk to me and I can make sure your okay.

    So frustrating! Speak to you shortly

    D

    Wed 2, Apr 2014 at 4:14pm
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    Dear Marylin
    I am so sorry you are feeling so desperate at the moment - you said you don't have any more counselling booked with your husband, would it be possible for you to see a counsellor on your own to get some help with how you are feeling? If you can't go back to your previous counsellor please do go and see your GP as soon as possible and talk to him/her about how you are feeling, it might really help you to consider antidepressants while you are sorting your life out, and s/he could also refer you to a new counsellor urgently if necessary. A fruitful topic to discuss with your counsellor would seem to be what is stopping you leaving this very unhappy marriage - you seem to be believing your husband's bluster and threats and that is paralyzing you and stopping you helping yourself. Do you really think you would lose your children, or he would kill you, or any of the other threats he has made? If you need someone to talk to at any time about feeling desperate, please do call the Samaritans on 08457 909090 - and if you do want to leave and need help to do this (with your children) contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000247 - they are there 24/7 to support women struggling with any form of abuse, this doesn't have to be physical violence. Please get yourself some help and don't try to struggle on alone, let us know how you get on.

    Wed 2, Apr 2014 at 5:58pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Ill echo the moderators comments. After our recent posts I'm sure it was just a moment of frustration that made you write that unless things have gone drastically down hill in the last day or so. I'm obviously not a professional but it is a little frustrating I can't give you my number! We've been friends now for nearly 5 months and we've discussed everything so I know I can be there to support you at the drop of a hat and be there to listen and help in anyway I Possibley can. I'm sure like me, you just want a friend to be there so you don't feel alone at any time of the day or night. I know I've had days where I have tried to see my counsellor because I've been feeling low and it's not been possible but the next day after some time distracted from things I feel better and can wait for my next session. Obviously if you are that low then please please get the help you need as fast as is humanly possible!

    Dear Moderator, is there nothing you can do to allow me to post my details? Marylin and I have spoken nearly every day for five months????????????

    M, I'm always here for you, anytime. Just vent your anger and get it all off your chest. I can't lie and say its plain sailing once you've left but it is better than limbo your living in now.

    Can't wait to speak to you properly and I'm sending all my hugs and best wishes your way.

    Take care and speak soon,

    D

    Wed 2, Apr 2014 at 8:42pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Thinking of you, hope you've managed to sort out the landlord and he's decided that your a great person but he's throwing hubby out!!! Very harsh but what we're thinking !!

    Would really love to hear from you to make sure your okay.

    Speak soon M, big hugs xx

    D

    Thu 3, Apr 2014 at 8:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi D

    Got some more diazepam for a short term fix, just knocks me out. Just want to cry all the time, painting a smile is getting hard work every day. Sorry but I am getting desperate had another chat with my hubby and he won't let me go for love nor money. He's made sure I can't stay at the house we are in and have to move with him as he says a new place is a newer start. I'm in a situation I doubt the real world it's a horrid mind game I'm in that's why I am stuck. Followed everywhere so suffocating. Last year when hubby worked away I found myself started living, yes I did something terrible but I felt I was worth something to someone for once, how stupid of me.

    So need to talk properly. Counsellor not interested in marital side he says once I'm a bit better that will make me a better wife.

    Hope aintree racing okay, having fun :-)

    Thanks for everything
    M

    Fri 4, Apr 2014 at 12:23pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Now I'm even more worried!!! Please please give me a call if you need to talk xxx

    D

    ( a moderator has removed the telephone number)

    Fri 4, Apr 2014 at 1:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Oh gosh you'll get kicked off! Didn't want that to happen.

    Fri 4, Apr 2014 at 3:06pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Please please ring, in really worried and want to make sure your okay.

    D

    Fri 4, Apr 2014 at 3:06pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi M,

    Give me a call, don't worry.

    D

    Fri 4, Apr 2014 at 3:20pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Please don't worry I'll be in touch when I can. Had chat with counsellor again tonight and have another counselling next weds.
    Thank you for your concern
    M

    Fri 4, Apr 2014 at 4:59pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Concern?? I'm waiting to hear from you M, make sure you have my number and get I touch ASAP. I really care about you and want to make sure your okay. Sounds like you dealing with more things than you planned.

    Speak soon

    D

    Fri 4, Apr 2014 at 5:08pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Dear moderator,

    Witt the upmost respect for what you do and what you'll allow on this website.

    I have put my number so a friend, obviosuly
    In need of some friendship can get in touch and hopefully feel like she's not alone. I really really understand ukur issue with someone posting a number but there's only me who can suffer and I'm
    Willing to give up that to make sure M is okay!!!!!

    Please please please send me her number or allow her to see the number I posted before. (Tel. Number removed as against T&Cs of site. The moderator will pass this message on to admin)

    I am really not trying to defy the rules
    Of the website but at the same time M & I need that connection.

    I hope some common sense provails!!

    D

    Fri 4, Apr 2014 at 5:49pm
  • Cc lizraymond Flag

    Hi, Dan, I guess you may have been exasperated by our insistence on keeping to our terms and conditions. But, you know, we did not have any evidence that the original poster desired her details to be given to you. The terms and conditions are there to protect EVERYONE who wishes to keep their anonymity. We sincerely wish everyone who posts on this site an insight into a satisfying way to live their lives.

    Tue 15, Apr 2014 at 5:06pm
  • User-anonymous Dan234 Flag

    Hi Liz,

    I wasn't exasperated at all. I was just very concerned for a very dear friend. I completely understand the rules you have to put in place and the reasons for them. M and I are in contact directly now but I'm she would agree with me that the website has been a massive help and through tag website we have each found a good friend who is a great support. I'm assuming M is just as pleased that we can talk directly as we are in regular contact as we were before but obviously we can discuss things that we maybe couldn't on a public forum.

    I can't really comment on M's situation as it's not my place but for me, I have moved on and starting to deal with issues in the next chapter of my life. I am worried about M but hopefully she will get the strength she needs to make a better life. I'll be doing my best to support her!!

    All the best,

    Dan

    Tue 15, Apr 2014 at 9:26pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Dear couple connection

    I thank you for all the help and advice given. This site has helped emmensly and countinue to read the advice pages, I am still in a very unhealthy marriage of which is so difficult to leave and for once I have a sincere friend for support.

    Thank you and best wishes,
    M

    Thu 17, Apr 2014 at 6:20am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Dear couple connection

    I thank you for all the help and advice given. This site has helped emmensly and countinue to read the advice pages, I am still in a very unhealthy marriage of which is so difficult to leave and for once I have a sincere friend for support.

    Thank you and best wishes,
    M

    Thu 17, Apr 2014 at 6:20am
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    Dear Marylin
    Thank you so much for your positive feedback, it is good to hear that this site has helped you in your troubled situation. I think you and Dan both understand why we couldn't put you in direct contact with each other, but if you have managed it yourselves and it is helping that is great, sounds like his support is really helping you at the moment. I do encourage you to keep talking through with your counsellor how you could leave your unhealthy marriage as it seems very clear that is what you want to do. Please do let us know how you get on, every good wish for improving your situation.

    Thu 17, Apr 2014 at 8:37am
  • Feb2013_bothofem KrisFromMI Flag

    How is everyone??? Any one??

    Fri 27, Mar 2015 at 11:42pm