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Should we stay together?

Posted by: Anonymous
Sun 7, May 2017 at 7:21am
Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner
sex relationships

Hi, I'm 49, been living with my girlfriend for nearly 12 years. I like her, as a friend. But for as long as I've known her I've felt we lack something. I had no relationships before I met her. The essential problem is we've never had sex (she has had sex before she met me but I've never had sex at all) and I've never felt any desire or romantic feelings for her. What I do feel for her is sympathy: she seems so desperately needy, so scared of being lonely on her own, and whenever we've discussed splitting up she gets teary and upset, which I can't stand really - I do care about her. But neither of us is really very happy. I met a woman 6 years ago when I was away for a couple of months and felt real desire and a real connection: I did nothing about it and made sure I didn't get back in touch afterwards, not wanting to hurt my girlfriend, but still I think about her quite a lot. I find myself becoming more cynical and less sociable and optimistic as I get older. Maybe that's normal, but I can't help feeling that life would seem very different from the perspective of a good relationship, or even if I were on my own again: at least then there'd be less of a sense of constraint and hopelessness. Perhaps I'm wrong about that though. We both feel the lack of excitement, desire, shared attitudes and interests, and we both know I think that we should split up, indeed we've said we'll split up many times in the past when we've discussed things, but still we're together. What can we do? Would counseling help me? I doubt it, having had it before - nice though it is to be listened to it seems more like an indulgence than helpful. Can anyone advise me?

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  • User-anonymous Anonymous counsellor Flag

    I think you know the answer to this, it's just having the courage to do something.
    Counselling won't help you in this situation as it seems the desire has never been there from the start.
    Your partner is clearly happier to be in a loveless relationship without any intimacy, than to be alone, which is very sad. You only get one life - be as happy as you can be, but if things aren't right, you owe it to both of you to end it. Whilst you are together, you are blocking both of your chances of meeting someone who truly makes you happy . The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will become. If you want things to change - you have to make those changes. Do it now, and give both of you the chance to find true happiness. Life is far too short.
    I wish you both all the best.

    Sun 7, May 2017 at 1:00pm
  • User-anonymous Myshkin Flag

    Thanks for the comment. Yes we both know what we should do I guess. I'm glad you agree that counseling is probably not going to be helpful - I had 3 sessions on this subject with very nice counselor a year or so ago and though it was nice I came away feeling it was rather pointless. Our relationship isn't exactly loveless, I do care about her and she me. What's missing is passion, excitement, shared outlooks and interests, and of course sex. This will not change, but still we do have some degree of companionship and of course it's easier to stay with what you know than change. No easy answers, we've been debating this for years and probably will for years to come. I appreciate your comments though, thanks!

    Sun 7, May 2017 at 5:38pm