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Seperated and heartbroken

Posted by: Anonymous
Sat 7, Nov 2015 at 8:12pm
Money, Housework, Finding Time for Each Other, Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner, Life transitions, Communications in relationships, A Psychologist's Perspective

Looking for some advice as i just don't know what to do. Me and my Wife have been together for 8 years, Married for 4. When we 1st met we were so much in love, constantly kissing and hugging, we couldn't keep our eyes and hands off each other. We both lived at our friends house as we were both homeless as i had left a previous relationship (to which i have a child) and my wifes situation at home wasn't very good. We both worked hard and saved until we were able to move into a new home together. After a few years we had some trust issues in which i got involved with a girl at work (not physically) just flirting and texting. I came clean to my wife and stopped straight away. We had a couple of strained weeks but we worked through them and decided to get married. Getting married to my Wife was 1 of the happiest days of my life. She has been so supportive of me, working through my unemployment while i went to college to pursue a new career. She has been there when i was having contact issues and going through family court processes with my Son. All through this time we have been trying for a baby but never been successful, i know i already have 1 child but i wanted to give my Wife 1 so bad. Unfortunately we had to move out of our 1st home as the Landlord needed the property back. We moved to another house for 6 months but had nothing but problems with it. We eventually moved to another house which wasn't ideal but was much better than where we was. We had lived here for 3 years and had nothing but bad misfortune while here. Me and my Wife were told that we were both able to reproduce a child and the reason we hadn't was unexplained. We decided to try for IVF treatment around 2 years ago, but after going through the processes and thinking we were going to finally get help, they told us we had to pay for the treatment because of the fact i already had a child to a previous relationship. This absolutely broke her, we couldn't afford the treatment and she sank into depression until she attempted to take her own life. This was a difficult time and we were close to parting ways then because she said she just felt so useless and that i would be better off with someone else. We battled through this and i feel we became stronger as a result. Then last year was another difficult year, my ex wife tried to stop us from having contact with my Son again and we had to go back and fro to the courts again, sometimes going weeks on end without seeing him, which was heartbreaking for both of us. And then this time last year my Mother died after a long battle with cancer. Iwas very close to my Mother and this year i have been slowly spiralling into depression myself, Pushing people away, including my wife and my Son. Neglecting them and burying my head into video games. Putting on weight and not socialising or doing the housework. All the time being in denial about my depression and not seeking bereavement counselling. About 3 months ago I started taking drugs on a weekend, spending money that we couldn't afford, just to get that little bit high and get a bit of confidence. My Wife would partake in the drug taking but we argued about how much i would buy and spend on it, then we would be tight on money for the rest of the month and getting into debt by missing payments on bills. 4 weeks ago we had a huge argument and she decided to go to her friends house. I told her to stay there for the night and that i would be locking her out. The next day we patched things up a bit but the following weekend we were arguing again because she had come home from a 13 hour shift and i was busy playing on my computer game and hadn't spent much time with my Son that day. I told her to get out again and she did. She stayed at her grandmas for a few days but came back and we talked and we were so happy. Until we went to bed later that night and had sex, she started to cry afterwards because she said it didn't feel the same as to which i got upset too because i thought she didn't want me anymore. We decided to fight for our relationship and talked a while. But then i messed it up for the final time. Her Dad had come to visit her and because he lives quite far away she doesn't see him very often. They went out for a drink 1 night and she didn't come back until 1am in the morning. The next day i exploded at her for not texting or calling to let me know she was OK and for coming home at that time of night. I said some nasty things to her and the way that she can only socialise with her Dad when she has a drink in her hand. That was the last straw, when i came home from work later that day she had packed some things and left her wedding ring on the table. I was devestated. She came by the next day to collect some more things and ended filling a suitcase. She told me she didn't love me anymore and that i had let myself go and she didn't even feel attracted to me anymore. She said that she didn't want to leave but she can't keep pretending she is happy anymore and that she can't help her feelings. I was heartbroken. These last couple of weeks i have sunk further into depression, begging and pleading for her to come back. She said she didn't want to be tied down anymore and that she is sick of feeling unwanted. These last couple of weeks i have done some soul searching and have realised what i have been doing and i have been working so hard to change. Decorating the home, i've lost 2st in weight and i've been working out to try and win her back but nothing seems to be working. Last night she came to take my Son out for a couple of hours and i asked her if she hated me, she said yes because i have pushed her to that by constantly texting and ringing her apologizing and also making her feel guilty even though i haven't intended to. I just don't know what to do. We have had some difficult years but we have also had plenty of happy memories. In a year she has gone from calling me her soulmate and her Rock to telling me that she hates me. Now people including my Sister have just told me to give her some space and let her work through her emotions, and in time without any contact with her, she may start to miss me and remember some of the positives in our relationship because at the moment all she is thinking of is the negative. I'm trying so hard not to contact her but i can't get her out of my head. How do i win my Wifes heart back

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  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    She needs to have some silence from you. She needs to wonder; where you are, who you're with, what you're doing. Every time you make contact with her, imagine she takes another step back, away from you. 1 text is a step back. 1 phone call is 2 steps back. Keep going, & you won't be able to see her at all.

    When you have to have contact with her (re. your Son), you need to make her wonder. Be polite, to the point. Leave it at that. She needs to see a total change in your approach, & wonder why it's changed. No begging, no anger or upset.
    In the meantime, work as hard on you as you have been. Get your fitness as good as you possibly can. This works on your health, keeps your endorphins up so you don't slip into depression, & it gives you options. You have the option to pull other women, if things don't work out with you & her. or you may find that with enough space, you have the option of working things out with your wife.

    If texts from her aren't urgent, allow a couple of hours before replying. If you're actually training hard & working & spending time with your son, it shouldn't be too hard to keep your mind off her & your phone.

    You basically need to change it up. This line of behaviour isn't working, so you need to pique her interest. The good news is, you can't 'hate' someone without loving them. It's too extreme of an emotion. However, if you keep on with the contact & with pushing, you will push her away. into indifference, & that's when you really lose her.

    It'll take a lot of strength, but you need to step back, so that she can come forward towards you. Whilst you keep chasing, she'll keep running.


    Sat 7, Nov 2015 at 11:59pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Thanks for that Jess. I've heard a few people say the same thing now, its taking a lot of strength to avoid texting her or ringing her but I know its in my best interest not to push any further than I have done. She said from the start that she didn't want to resent me but she was already having these feelings before she left. I mean the last 6 months were bad but this time last year we had our 1st family holiday together and had a great time and then in January we went to Florida for 2 weeks and it was absolutely amazing. Since thwn though things went downhill and fast, the impending doom of not being able to enjoy or plan another family holiday because we were getting into debt won't have helped at all. I'm currently in the process of going insolvent with a debt solution charity so at least we won't have these debts anymore. I just simply can't seem to stop obsessing about her or the future. I looked at her facebook profile yesterday (even though I know I should definitely not) and saw a picture of her dressed up to the max ready for a night out. I just can't stand the thought of her in another man's arms or dancing with other guys. I hate myself for pushing her away this much and making her feel unwanted and full of anger towards me. She has said a couple of times that it is over and she doesn't want to give me false hope. She even told my Son that she wasn't coming back when he asked her. It's doing my own head in now.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 1:09am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    So let her have her way. Allow her to experience single life, & see just how empty it can be, especially around the holidays! I've experienced a lot of both side of the coin, & when you've tried the other side, where you thought the grass was greener, then you start to think about things like the holidays you took as a couple. & the struggles you went through, but had each other for support. She'll meet a few arseholes & realise what she had in you. Now, this is likely to take months, so you need to ensure that you give her time to miss you. If it means she gets with other people, then hold out & be strong. You can be the comfort she turns to when it all goes wrong.

    I'm saying that you may have to play the long game, but that if you're smart, you can change things around. By then, you might have had some time enjoying single life, & may not be interested. You may have met someone amazing, despite how you feel now.

    Whatever you choose to do, by giving her space, you give her time to think & miss you. By continuing to crowd her, you push her into the arms of someone else.
    Maybe focus on work, but perhaps train for a marathon or something? Or maybe a Tough Mudder-type event (I don't know what country you're in), or something you can lose yourself in. Perhaps something you & your son can do? Something physical & fun.

    I've been where you are, in terms of debt as well as love. It's so F'ing hard. It will make you stronger, though. As a person, & maybe as a couple.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 1:29am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    I'm in the UK. Yeah tough Mudder is something I've been interested in before but I started smoking again when my Mum passed away but teah I know I can definitely get into that shape again because I've been there before. I've lost a bit of weight recently but not healthily, had no appetite and been wallowing, but your right. I don't need to feel like this anymore and I don't want to. My Son will help me get through this he is my Rock and my older sister has been so supportive too because she has been in this situation, she has m seen it from my point of view and also my wifes. I suppose nothing is over until the divorce papers come through and she keeps making excuses not to come and pick up the last of her things. I need to set some goals and some boundaries myself I think, and then when I am in a better place, then see about getting back on speaking terms again, once she has let her emotions settle. I do worry about her though, she was taking anti depressants before she left and now she has told me she has suddenly stopped taking them without talking to a doctor. I don't want her to end up feeling suicidal again. She feels fine now but it will soon hit her hard. Especially if she has not dealt with her emotions.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 1:41am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Ah ok, so am I :) North East England.

    I understand you being worried about your wife, but she may well have to hit rock bottom, before she realises what she wants. She's made it clear that she is no longer your worry, so you have to free yourself from thinking about her, & allow here to make her own decisions. Unfortunately, that means even the bad ones.

    It's so hard when you're newly single. Especially when you don't want to be. I've made myself ill for years in such a situation. If I'd known everything I know, now, I'd do things totally different. I'd not have wasted years mourning & trying to get my ex back.

    We have been so used to considering our partner for all of the years, that it is so weird & uncomfortable, focusing on ourselves. I was like a spare part for ages. Nothing seemed to have a purpose.
    Now I love being single! I'm sure I'll meet someone I want a relationship with at some point, but I am genuinely happy on my own. It's taken a lot of work on myself, though.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 1:52am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Funnily enough I had a knock on the door at 7am this morning. It was my Sister in law. They had all been falling out on their night out in and gone back to some guys house. The Older of my Wifes sisters has caused a big argument (like she normally does, she has serious alcohol and drug issues). Shr had kicked the youngest sister out of this house with no bag, no money to get home and not even any shoes. She turned up on my doorstep because she had nowhere else to go. They had all been on Amphetamine and drunk a lot, which took me by surprise (my wife said she would never take Amphetamine because of the problems her Mother had with it when she was younger). Now I'm worried that she is on the self destruct path. Suddenly stopping ADs and then taking drugs that will give her massive downers. Now I'm worried that this might have an effect on my Son because she will still be seeing every fortnight. They love each other very much and I don't want to break that bond but I need to do what is best for him in the long term.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 11:26am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    And yeah I have now found my wife has been taking amphetamines during the week too, with her sister thst she lives with who is reckless and in a downward spiral at the best of times. She has an adorable 4yr old boy too thst I really feel for. I can't believe they just let their youngest sister walk around barefeet, in the city of Bradford at that time. Now I don't feel love or hate, I just feel ashamed and disappointed. I thought she was better than this.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 4:22pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Wow! That's not good! Did you find out about the drugs being a week day thing, from a reliable source?

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 5:28pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah from her own sister. I know that the sister wih the 4yr old child didn't have him that night too because he was with his Dad. So whenever that usually happens she drinks and takes drugs. And the fact that my Wife is living with her fits about right. I'm just gonna concentrate on my goals now and when she realises thst she has no purpose anymore then maybe she will realise that she had a family and a loving husband in me. I had my faults and imperfections yes, but I am not a bad person.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 5:47pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Great way of thinking! I also think it's a good idea to stop her seeing your son whilst using drugs. In fact, it's really your duty.
    You don't want to risk losing access.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 5:49pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah. I just want to give her another reason to hate me. I know she would never be under the influence while with him, I also don't want her calling me a hypocrite because of my own previous drug use. My son and my Wife love her very much so I was thinking about stopping access further down the line.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 5:52pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Should I tell her thst I am disappointed in her or do you think I should stick to the no contact and keep everything short and sweet. I think if I tell her she won't listen to me anyway because of how she feels towards me at the minute. Might wven push her to carry on acting this way.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 5:56pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Nothing is worth your son innocently feeding something back to his Mother, & her pulling access again. I realise you don't want to make things worse, but you could end up losing both your wife & your son! Perhaps it'll make your wife realise what she's doing.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 5:57pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    I'd tell her that you have no choice but to stop access, given what you know about her living in a drugs environment & also that she's using regularly. All you need is your son finding a pill or something. I don't know how old he is, but I'd hate to see him swallow something, thinking it's a sweet etc.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 6:01pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Ok. I'll give it a good think. But yeah your right I can't afford to lose him at the moment. Thank you for all your advice, you've been great and I wish you all the happiness in the future because it sounds like you deserve it too.

    Steve X

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 6:06pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Aw, thank you. Happy to reply if you want to talk. I give support under the same name on .......... so you can get me there, too.

    This is my profile:
    (details have been removed by a moderator as advertising and giving out personal information are against the Terms and Conditions of the site)

    Just remember that things won't always be like this. They will conclude one way or another, & either way, you will be happy again.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 6:13pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Managed to speak to my wife for quite a bit tonight. She came round to drop her Sisters bag off because she was still at my house. I told her what I thought about the drugs and her reckless behaviour and that I wasn't angry or mad, I was just disappointed in her because I believe she is trying to be someone that she is not. I also told her that I don't want drug use to have any impact on my Son because if he goes and tells his Mother anything that I could lose contact again. She seemed to be quite agreeable and we spoke softly and directly about it. We spoke about other things too, some of her possessions are still here and the pets that we have (3 cats). I went a bit into the relationship side and told her that st the moment we are not in any position ourselves to carry on with a relationship at this moment in time. I asked her how she felt about me and she said nothing and shrugged her shoulders then said she didn't know. She confirmed she was still angry at me about things and how I've hounded her for the last couple of weeks. She feels guilty for leaving and she got upset. I told her that even though at the moment she is seeing the negatives in the relationship that she has also got to remember the positives. We were a family, even though she never bore her own child, we were still a family. I said we should have adopted but she thought I didn't want to. I said I would have loved to adopt but I didn't think we were in any position to because of the house and other debts. We even managed to smile about somethings. I told her I couldnt find her sex toy so I couldn't pack that for her, she said she already had it. I said well you can still give me a booty call and she laughed. Before she went I told her that I am here if she needs anything, I said I won't get in contact with you but if you need anything just get in touch. I felt like I have left the ball firmly in her court in regards to that.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 10:19pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    I also asked her if she had any place for me in her future and she said she didn't know at 1st then she said right now no because of how she is feeling.

    Sun 8, Nov 2015 at 10:26pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    I'm glad you managed to talk amicably. I'm sure that'll be a big relief.

    I'm a little concerned at you putting the ball in her court, because you've basically told her that she calls the shots. You'll wait around, whilst she keeps you as an option. That's not too attractive to a person, knowing they can treat someone however they want to, but still have them sit around, waiting. You need her to realise she's at risk of losing you, because you are a guy who has the ability to move on & find someone who appreciates what she doesn't. You don't actually have to do it, if you don't want to, but she has to at least think that she may lose you.

    It's human psychology. We want what we can't have, more than what we can. The grass is always greener. I fear that she will not get her head into gear, until she feels she might well have lost you.

    I dislike the fact that she's shrugging her shoulders about whether she has feelings for you. I wonder if she's playing you a little.

    Is there no part of you that feels you should have a better role model for your son (yes, you did drugs, but you grew, she hasn't), & someone who won't walk out on you both? Do you not want an equal, rather than someone who is so volatile & brings so much drama to your life?

    Just food for though.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 3:10am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag


    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 3:11am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Hi Jess.

    Yeah I totally understand what you are saying, maybe I'm just being too nice to her. Leaving the ball in her court is leaving myself open for her to just maybe play me. But about shrugging her shoulders when I asked about how she felt towards me, maybe she doesn't know at the moment, while emotions are still high. Maybe I just need to give her some space and time to let her work through those emotions. I will be there if she needs anything practical but I won't be her emotional tampon and I don't think she would want me to be, because she is going through the whole "I am a strong independent woman, who doesn't need a man" phase.

    I said that we had been through a lot of shit together and she replied that there is only so much shit a person can take. She has obviously gone through it all in her head as she has said thst she had felt that way for a couple of months, but I was just burying me head in the sand. Maybe she got sick of having to do all the housework while I just played video games, maybe she hated the fact we had nothing to look forward to anymore because of the mounting debts. Maybe she felt sick of feeling unwanted. Maybe she got sick of me not having a good relationship with my Son. She is not a bad person and she is not volatile. She is just trying to be someone she is not at the moment, maybe to mask the pain of a failed marriage. She agreed when I told her that I think she is trying to be someone she is not

    As well ss being a good role model to my Son, she has been great with him all these 8 years in his life. Treat him better than his own Mother in mine and a lot of other peoples minds. That's why it hurts so much that she never really got pregant apart from a few really early miscarriages. I know she would be an excellent Mother. She has probably been a better parent to my Son this last year than I have. That's what I mean, all the things that I was when we 1st had gone, because of my depression. No wonder she didn't find me attractive anymore.

    I think now I just need to give her some time and space and let her work through her own feelings because at the moment I don't believe she genuinely knows what she wants out of life herself. I asked what her plans for the future and all she said is that she wants to look for her own house. Nothing after that. I think with a bit of time and space I may start to make her miss me and the good things we did have, but I'm also not going to weigh too much hope on it. I'm gonna look after myself for a while. Work out, work hard at work, I went and looked at a new house a couple of days ago and really liked it. I've got a olan for myself and my Son, she is not included in that plan but she could easily slot back into it without too much upheaval. At the end of the day she is still my Wife. But at least I have a plan and I am focused towards that, where as at the moment, she doesn't have 1 at all. I think I'll land back on my feet before she does. And in the meantime I'm going to get counselling for bereavement and also some relationship counselling, so I never make the same mistakes again.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 5:57am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    When I made the shrugging comment, it was more about her going from hating you to suddenly not knowing if she has feelings, ergo giving you hope.

    In the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. it talks about how women do the grieving for the relationship in the time leading up to the split, whereas men don't tend to start until the split has occurred. That depends on the way the relationship ended, of course.

    When I referred to being with someone who's not volatile, I meant someone who's not going to bring volatility to the relationship by going to the extremes she currently is. Whatever you've done or the reason for the split, no one is forcing her to adopt the lifestyle she is.

    It sounds like you have your head together & it sounds pretty good to me. We can't control others. All we can do is control our own decisions & actions.
    By all means, don't give up on her in your head, just play your cards a bit closer to your chest, in terms of letting her think she can just walk in & out of your life as she pleases, whatever she does. It might be true (you would let her), but if she doesn't feel the sense of loss, she won't miss you. Let her wonder a bit more.

    I think you're going to be just fine :) You just need to focus on the plan, & if she happens to want to fit into it later, then great, if not, you've still done positive work on yourself & will find a new partner. It's not been a waste.
    I can't recommend enough that you get a cope of that book by John Gray, that I just mentioned. It will help you hugely in any relationship. it talks about how to motivate women, how to provide what they need in a relationship etc. & it does exactly the same about men, for women reading it. It blew me away when I read it a couple of years ago, & I honestly didn't think it would teach me much, but it made sense of so many arguments & conflict in former relationships.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 6:17am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah I think part of my resentment towards her when we split is the fact that I was there for her when she took an overdose but she isn't there for me now that I sunk into depression. I mean I had a nervous breakdown about a year before we got married and she was so supportive throughout that phase of my life. I think my breakdown was due to the problems I was having with my Son and contact and also being unhappy at work at the time. But she was there, now she is not, even though she was telling me for months to go and see someone about my problems. I think the biggest fear and reason why she left is because she was depressed with the whole scenario at home and didn't want to sink back into feeling like she wanted to be suicidal again. I think the 1st time she took her overdose was a big wake up call for her. But yeah I've got a olan and I'm gonna stick to it. Looking forward to my payrise and bonus in January which will give me a little bit of financial freedom. I'm just going to let her do what she needs to do and work it all out in her own head for now. She could tell I wasn't happy with the way she was acting and it looked like she was a bit ashamed with herself so maybe that will give her some food for thought.

    As far as the book, I will definitely give it a try. I don't really have an ereader at the moment but I love listening to audio books on a night time so I'll see if there is 1. The female psychology has really interested me and woke me up a little bit these last couple of weeks into understanding how a woman feels in a relationship sometimes. Once my wife sees that I have my confidence back I think that will play a big part in whether we get back together or not. I wasn't the most secure person in the world when we met because it wasn't long after I separated from my 1st wife, but I was a lot more confident than I am now. Just gonna work hard now on what I want to be and my own and Sons future.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 6:30am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Also wondering if she was shrugging her shoulders about her feelings towards me is because she has reached the stage of indifference which you mentioned in your 1st post. If she has got to this stage then I know the relationship is probably doomed. But then again she also said she was still angry at me for my behaviour towards the end of the relationship breaking down and because I was hounding her for the 2 weeks after. You can't be angry or disappointed in someone that you don't care about, and as far as I am concerned when you care for somebody, you love them. My sister seems to think that she still loves me and she has always declared it through our relationship, even towards the end. My sister just thinks that she is just not "in" love with me which is a different kind of love.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 3:51pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    From what you've said, I didn't get the impression she'd reached indifference. I think she's just a bit lost, as you say.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 9:47pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    We've been through a lot together. I spoke to her Mum tonight who I get on really well with. She is concerned about her recent behaviour too. Her Mum is rooting for us to get back together, a lot of people are. Some people have said that rhey can't believe we aren't together anymore because of how strong we were. Her Mum said thst they talked a couple of weeks ago and my Wife told her that she was never going to be a Mum and that she has to accept it. And now she just wants to try and enjoy what she has left of her life. She is only 28. I think she has just given up on getting anywhere in life. She has constantly told me that she has no fight left in her and what is the point of carrying on the relationship.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 10:00pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Sounds like she would benefit from some therapy for depression. Maybe her Mum can encourage her.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 10:15pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    I don't think she would though, at the moment she is being stubborn and putting a brave face on. But she still gets upset when I talk to her about things, so you can tell it still bothers her. I just want to reassure her that everything can change. We can still achieve these goals. I'm going through step change to clear our debts so they aren't looming over us anymore. Im moving into a new house that feels so cosey and would be just like our first house together. I just don't want to press her anymore, I feel it's really important I stick to my 30 day no contact rule that I have set for myself, especially seen as though I have pushed so hard this past couple of weeks. I just think she needs to work everything out in her head because she is unsure of what she wants. I want to woo her and romance her again but I know that I need to hold off for now

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 10:25pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    All sounds very good to me. I like the 30 day rule. That's a good plan.
    Do you have some mates you can go out for a pint with? Keeping busy & taking your mind off things can be helpful. Make the most of your single time, as you don't know how long it'll last.
    I think you're doing really well. I know how hard it is x

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 10:30pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    I don't have a lot of friend because of trust issues in the past, I mean I've got a couple that I know take drugs every weekend that I met through my wife. They are decent people but I don't want to be in that scene right now because its too much of a temptation to get drawn back in. I have some friends that don't drink but I could go round to thier house and chill anytime and I'm also part of a video gaming community with quite a few people from around the world. I mean they are friends because ive known them a while now but its different when you are talking over a headset and I haven't really done it much lately because my Wife hated it because I spent too much time on there instead of with her. So trying to cut down a lot. I go to pool every Monday as part of a team and going out to Halifax at the end of this month for my Wifes Step dad's birthday so I am looking forward to that. Also the gym, im into my 3rd day of stopping smoking and am looking forward to joining the gym at the end of the week when I get paid. I think I've suffered from my inabilty to be social because of video games and not taking opportunities to socialise when I have had them, often leaving my Wife to go out, thinking I can get some video gaming time in on my own without being nagged.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 10:49pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    You're certainly doing a lot of good work on yourself; identifying areas you'd like to change. Well done on the smoking! That's a huge thing to tackle at even the most calm of times in life!
    You do right to keep away from anyone who does drugs. Just not worth it.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 10:54pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Thank you :-). Yeah I sort of didnt want to be joining the gym and collapsing in a heap coughing my guts up because I still smoke. It is either 1 or the other. I'm eating much healthier too. I noticed that you have Yoga as 1 of your interests on your profile and I've been thinking I would like to try it. I know the gym doesn't do it and classes can be expensive. Do you have any recommendations on any Yoga dvds or the type of Yoga to do as I know there is different kinds. I was thinking strength Yoga as I can work on my body st the same time.

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 10:59pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Are you thinking of someone else's profile, by chance? Yoga isn't something I do. I've tried it in the past, but not for a decade.
    Pilates is v good for strength. You can read about it here:

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 11:28pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Ok thank you. I might have got mixed up with meditation. I will keep you updated on the no contact. I've managed 1 day so far lol

    Mon 9, Nov 2015 at 11:31pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Nope, no meditation on my profile neither :)
    Keep strong. 'This, too, shall pass'.

    Tue 10, Nov 2015 at 1:28am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Lol just go to show how much I notice when interacting with another woman. Another lesson to be learnt.

    Tue 10, Nov 2015 at 5:51am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    So i've just found out that i've been accepted for my new house. I should be really happy but i'm not. I'm trying to stay strong but i miss my Wife so much. I just want her back. I've done nothing but cry this afternoon, looking at old photos. I just want to get in touch with her and tell her how sorry i am and this can be a fresh start for us both, but if she has no feelings towards me then what can i do?

    I am literally doing my own head in and obsessing about things and how things could have been, the who, the where, the what and the how. Driving myself insane.

    Tue 10, Nov 2015 at 6:18pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Go on then...get in touch with her. Push her further & further away?
    There is nothing you can do regarding the relationship at this time. She doesn't want contact, & told you how angry it'd made her. How can she miss you if you won't go away?
    Yes, it's tough. You'll have good & bad days.
    Looking at photos - v bad idea. Although I think you probably know that now.
    It's hard because it's unknown what the outcome will be. If you knew things would work out. you could do your own thing up until that time, without panicking over a loss. Uncertainty is even harder to deal with than knowing for sure that you won't get back together. You can cope with it & move on, when you know that is the case, but when you're in limbo, you feel out of control.
    It's actually up to you how much control you let a person have over your life. Take back control, move on with your plans & focus on 1 day at a time. If you focus on your routine, & getting through each hour, then each day, you will gradually be passing time without it being total agony. By the time you're busy doing that, things may well have changed with you & her.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 12:16am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    I'm glad you got your house, by the way :)
    Stay strong, for you & your boy x

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 12:17am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah, totally agree. I think I was just having a bad dsy, didn't really sleep well last night. I didn't really get in contact but I sent her an email with the pdf version of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book which I recommend she should read (which I have startex tonight and is great so far by the way). She responded saying she couldn't download it so I'll leave it at that.

    The way I feel though is thst the further we drift apart, the longer she has to meeting somebody else. I mean as far as I am concerned, if she slept with somebody else while we were "still married" I believe in eyes thst she will have broken that sanctity for me and there may be no going back anyway.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 12:46am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Oh dear. That counts as contact.
    Glad you like the book. I was a bit confused where the first chapter was going, but the chapters after that are great. The book as a website, too.
    Where did you find the pdf version?
    Must admit, I'm a bit traditional & like to have an actual book to read in front of me.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 3:39am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Oh, & the sequel (Mars & Venus in the bedroom) is pretty amazing. I consider myself fairly adventurous with sex, & reasonably clued up, but it taught me a few things!

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 3:41am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah but her contacting me about my Son counts as contact too or texting me to let me know an account number for a bank she has closed down counts as contact. Its difficult when it is marriage because there is still a lot of practical things to sort out. I may have made a mistake sending her a book about relationships, but she cannot download it and I don't think she knows what it is so maybe no harm done if I don't oursue it.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 3:44am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    As long as I make our contact direct, short and be nice about it I don't think I am doing too much harm.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 3:46am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Her contacting you is fine. You contacting her, is relationship suicide. Believe me...she'll know it was an excuse to make contact with her, because she's asked you not to. Women know this stuff.
    If it's absolutely essential to do with the practical side of the relationship, then fair enough, she'll realise that's the case, but's just pushing her away. She's not getting to miss you, so if there is a chance of her coming back, you're likely delaying the process, at best.
    You have to do what you feel is right. I can only offer my opinion.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 5:07am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    And your opinion is right and along the same path as I've heard from other expert advice. Maybe I should see it as the fact that she has lost and not me. She is the 1 missing out on new exciting times and not me. Also maybe I should think more about pining for my Son instead of her. I know he will always be there and always come back, its only 2 days until I see him again and the weekends come round so quickly if I keep myself busy. I just need to pull myself together a bit, lack of sleep is not helping, I think it just makes me worse but I've tried relaxation and breathing techniques before bed and even working out and going to bed earlier doesn't stop me from having a restless night. I'll get there, I need to feel the emotions that I'm feeling as part of the grieving process otherwise I'll just suppress them and they will come back to bite me harder. I just need to not act on impulse when I'm feeling like this.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 5:53am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Too right she's lost out! I can tell you're a good guy, & plenty of women would do anything for a guy so tuned in to a relationship & what it takes to make it work. She strikes me as very unstable, & I know you've had your moments too (who hasn't?), but I think her mental health is more to do with this than possibly you are.

    Your son is a very safe & worthy investment of your energy, definitely! He will always love you.

    You're right about the lack of sleep at the moment. I'm having the same problem, as you can probably tell!
    I find that working out on a morning is best for me, as if I do it later in the day, I end up too awake for bed. I think you'll have lots of stress hormones going around your body at the moment, though, whatever you do. I'm always the same when I'm stressed. Part of why I'm struggling to sleep at the mo.

    Yes, you need to refrain from impulsive contact. The reason I am so 'to the point' with you, is because I've been there, I know how hard it is, & I'm certain that I lost my soulmate by not backing off when it was needed. I drove him away. He asked for space, & I fell apart & couldn't give him it. I was a lot younger, as it was about 10 years ago now, but I still kick myself.

    I've had depression & anxiety most of my life, starting with an abusive childhood. I'm normally good on my meds, but sometimes life throws something at you, & it brings you down for a little while. Unfortunately that anxiety has caused me to act impulsively when it comes to texting, & regretting it later. So I do realise how hard it is.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 6:03am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah I've suffered from anxiety for the last 15 years. Also didn't have a great childhood but I'm in the right position to talk about these things with counselling sessions that my mental health team are going to set me on. They have spoke about sleeping tablets as maybe a way to help me on a night time but I wouldn't want to be dependant on them, I have to get up at 5am every morning for work. I do like my job and it's a chance to improve my career as a Chef, but it can also be quite stressful. I think maybe everytime I feel the urge to get in contact with her I should punish myself by having to do housework instead. I'll soon back off from that. Lol

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 6:09am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Haha...good plan!
    Yeah, I'm not wanting to get into using sleeping tablets, either. I think doctors are pretty reluctant to prescribe them, these days.
    It's great that you have a job you enjoy. That can be so helpful to keep your mind busy.

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 6:19am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    So had a good chat with my big sister today. She asked me to go into more detail about what has happened over the weekend. She basically said that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and at the moment my Wife is just lashing out to hurt you because you hurt her. I told her about my Wife shrugging her shoulders when I asked how she felt about and used the words angry, hate, resentment and that she feels guilty for leaving. My sister said she probably most definitely still loves you deep down then, because you don't have them feelings without loving someone. She said if you didn't love somebody anymore you just don't care or have any feelings whether they are negative or not. She asked about the stuff my Wife still has at my house. I said apart from her clothes, makeup and a bit of jewelery there is still quite a bit. She came on Sunday and I told her she had a drawer full of clothes still here, she took a few peices of underwear and asked if she could take a few dvds and thats it. She had a massive bag to take things and she was getting a taxi home. My sister said that it sounds like she is leaving her foot in the door because she doesn't know what she wants and that she is just blowing off steam and lashing out by giving me a big f you I can do what I want attitude, If she wanted out totally she would probably cut all ties completely and maybe even want to stop seeing my Son even though it would hurt her. I've been told to just leave her alone and let her get it out of her system. And once I move and wipe the debts, etc I'll be in a much better place and a much more attractive proposition to rebuild some bridges. What do you think Jess?

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 8:50pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    I think you should pack the rest of her stuff & get it back to her, via someone else you trust. You're moving soon, so you have good reason. I think the short, sharp shock will do her good, because, as your sister says, she's clearly trying to have it all her way, & assumes you'll let her leave her foot in the door. I think she's making a mug out of you. & at least by getting her stuff back to her, it might make her realise just what it is that she's doing, & feel the sense of loss.

    Thu 12, Nov 2015 at 1:22am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah I understand what you are saying and I will be packing her things anyway but I don't think she is the kind of person to treat me like a mug. This is the reason why I asked my sister for advice because she knows us both very well. I genuinely believe that she just doesn't know what she wants at the minute and that is why she is suppressing all her emotions, she is numb and just doesn't want to think about it or talk about it at the minute. She has not even spoke to her Mum or her best friend about anything, just fed them dribs and drabs. I know she left and walked out but it could have been quite easy for her throw me out and for her to be in my situation at the moment, but she didn't for the simple fact that she knows I have to keep a roof over my Son's head to maintain contact. This is exactly what my sister said, my Wife was a very giving and caring person. Very selfless, but everyone has their breaking point and I had obviously pushed her to hers, this is why she left because she had finally broken and I think at the moment she is just slowly trying to piece it back together or salvage what she can. I did this to her, Me. And trying to place any blame on her would be unwarranted and turn me bitter. I just need to stick to the plan.

    Thu 12, Nov 2015 at 5:47am
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    So I found out off her sister today that she was out last night and came to her house at 8am this morning and had been out all night and looked like she hadn't slept. Looks like she hasn't taken any of the advice that I gave her last week, about my concerns about her being a role model for my Son. To be honest I think she is thst angry at me and pissed off that she wouldn't listen to anything I said to her at the minute. She is seriously pushing me to just cut all ties now even though I still love her. I know she is blowing off steam but I don't think it is a healthy way to do it. Maybe I just shouldn't be trying to find out what she is doing. Out of sight out of mind but its so f'ing hard.

    Fri 13, Nov 2015 at 7:56pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    I do not think it is just you who is driving her to be the way she is, because of how you've been. It may well have been a catalyst, but people don't behave like this when their other half upsets them! There are other things at the root of this, not just you.
    By telling you she hates you, & leaving, yet keeping one foot in the door by leaving her stuff, I think she's taking the p1ss! She wants it all ways. If she's using drugs & drinking all night, do you really believe she is in control enough, to not go with other guys? I have a feeling she will likely do so, & blame it on whatever substance.
    She's expecting you just to hang onto her belongings whilst she parties, because she knows you are too soft & will do anything for her. You're providing a safety net for her, & therefore she isn't feeling the loss of the relationship, yet.

    Fri 13, Nov 2015 at 10:07pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah I think your right. She IS a good person when she is thinking straight but at the moment I think she is mentally unstable. I am seriously considering pulling the cord on her contact with James. I have already told her that if she wants any contact at the moment it needs to be supervised. I won't just let her take him out somewhere then have a mental breakdown. Or let him near her sister who is a total nutcase. If she sleeps with someone else, while she still has my surname and her side of the marital bed is still warm I'll cut ties completely because that is the ultimate betrayal

    Fri 13, Nov 2015 at 10:16pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Well, effectively she has finished the relationship & so you are now separated. I understand your views on the sanctity of marriage, but if she's no thought of reconciling with you, then she may not share your view. Everyone's different I suppose, as to what is acceptable or not.
    My thought was simply that if she isn't doing well, mentally, & she's abusing substances, I seriously doubt she'll be able to think straight if an opportunity arises with a guy. I could be completely wrong, though.
    In terms of the dating world, many separated people do date, whilst waiting for the divorce to come through.
    I totally understand what you are saying about your son. I doubt she'd see him whilst under the influence of a substance. It's more the association that concerns me, should your son's mother hear of her current lifestyle. Having said that, if your son is in her home, it concerns me that she may have drugs in the house. It kind of makes sense, as she's going to have to keep what she is using, somewhere.
    On that same line of thinking, you don't know what sort of people she's socialising with, & therefore who is visiting the house. If your son's not visiting her home, though, then I don't suppose that will be a concern.

    Fri 13, Nov 2015 at 10:25pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    I know, I think she already has an idea because they have been whatsapping during the week, James' mum has been sending her messages on whatsapp wanting to know what has happened blah blah blah. But she is a vicious and poisonous person, she has never let us rest. She just wants to wallow in our misery.

    Fri 13, Nov 2015 at 10:35pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    We are back on Jess. :-). XXX

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 4:53am
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Oh right! I'm very pleased for you! x

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 3:18pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    She has slept with somebody else though. She said she instantly regretted it, she was drunk and high and broke down in tears after. But she has said the last couple of days all she has done is regret how she has been behaving and how much she misses me. I've betrayed her trust before and she has now betrayed mine. It's time to wipe the slate clean.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 3:25pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Hmmmm...I'll remain silent then.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 3:28pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Lol. You've been a great help and I really respect your opinion. I'd rather you told me straight. X

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 3:45pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Okaaay.....well, she's treating you like a mug! She's got to have her freedom, party, sleep with someone else, whilst the whole time you've been breaking your heart, blaming yourself, & losing sleep! Now she's had her fun, she's got you to take her back without a fight, AND convinced you it was all your fault! What president are you setting for the future? I really hope you're perfect for the rest of your life, because...God help you if you're human!! I don't think this is what marriage vows are all about, honey!
    There's also a chance she's pregnant by some other guy!
    I just worry you've made it all too easy for her. But, if you've taken her back already, then I suppose only time will tell.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 3:55pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Oh, and your boundary was that if she's slept with someone else, that would be it! But, because she turned on the water works, when lets face it, it could have been the best sex of her life & she's not going to admit've taken her straight back & she's seen that your boundaries are non existent!

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 3:57pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    I hope that my worries are unfounded, though. It's not something I want to be right about x

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 4:19pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah I know, that's why I asked for your opinion. We are not jumping straight back into everyday marriage life. Its going to be a long hard process, with counselling. I have mixed emotions at rhe minute, I love her so much but she betrayed my trust. I suppose to be honest I've betrayed hers in the past. 3 times infact, I just stopped it before it got physical, but if I was wasted in those situations, I might have acted on my instincts. The fact she forgave me after them occasions shows that I must now learn to forgive and forget, but I won't make it easy for her.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 4:25pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Then you didn't betray her if it didn't get physical! I do wonder what this woman has said to you to make you feel like her sleeping with someone has evened the score! Having feelings for someone is nothing if you don't act on them! In fact, I'd say it's bound to happen throughout your whole lives together.
    Most people don't get wasted because they know it could lead to being out of control. I suspect she's done it as a way of getting away with being unfaithful. Or even, pregnant!
    As I say, I hope I'm wrong. I just think you are accepting all the blame somewhat unfairly. No everyone who has a depressed partner, sleep with someone else.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 4:41pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag


    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 4:42pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Well she is definitely not pregnant, she was on her period when we spoke yesterday. She hasn't put the blame on me, its me who has been blaming myself. But your right, I never thought it would get to this and I didn't deserve to be treated like this but neither did she. I love her, and she said she still loves me, which is what you have said all along, you can't feel the emotions that she was feeling towards me if you dont love somebody.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 5:01pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Oh I don't doubt that she has love for you. I doesn't mean that she won't play on your love for her, though. Just don't be so quick to blame you all of the time. You have to process all that has gone on, before you can truly know if you can move past it. You deserve that much. It is okay to not be okay with what she has done, & to discuss that in therapy. In fact, it will prevent feelings being swept under the carpet, only to come forwards at a later date, to be thrown back during an argument or something.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 5:11pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    Yeah that's what someone has said thats knows us both really well. Her Stepdad who is a good friend of mine. He said you 2 are too good together to not give it another chance. He said I would be a mug to not get back with her, but take things slowly, don't let her move straight back in, which she is not, start dating again and begin to know and understand each other from the start. The person she slept with she has known since she was 3 years old, her best friends brother, they are like family so even more for them to both regret it. Even her bedt friend didn't know about it and it happened under her roof. She has gone mad about it because she feels like it is a betrayal and they have literally shit on her doorstep by bringing her into the middle of it. I think we need to forgive and forget, with the help of some therapy like you said. But before we decide what the next step is we need to lay all our cards on the table and like you said make sure the past never grts brought up in any future arguments. It will be hard I know, but we can get there with a little push in the right direction, and being more honest with each other. I'm gonna get my Wife to read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus too. So we can both learn to understand each other more.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 5:30pm
  • User-anonymous JessicaPuppy Flag

    Well, it doesn't seem as if she has any consequences for everything, but I suppose that's up to you. Can you trust her not to do this again, if you fall out or you go through a bad patch? The idea of it being for better or worse, sickness & health, doesn't generally include the ability to go out & sh@g someone else when it gets tough! It's not exactly rocket science to know that if you get off your face, you're likely to do something you'll regret, too, so I don't give much time to the idea she was under the influence & couldn't help herself.
    I disagree with her stepdad's view of you being a mug for not getting back with her. Not at all. I think that's very unfair. Many would say you're a mug for taking her back when she's cheated. It's quite likely it will happen again. It's not going to be the first time she's confused or angry or any other negative emotion! Plus, she strikes me as an unstable person.
    I just hope that you're not going to have repeats. This week could have been used as you getting through the toughest point of the breakup, & meeting someone faithful & supportive.
    Anyway, regardless of my thoughts, you have made a decision & chosen a path, & so I, of course, hope that it all works out for you.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 7:27pm
  • User-anonymous steve141082 Flag

    don't know if you are still on here Jess but it happened again. Went through a stressful time in the last couple of months as i have had no contact with my Son from a previous relationship for 8 weeks. She couldn't handle it and has walked. Not before telling me that she has been chatting to other guys online in a sexual manner for the last 2 weeks. Still unsure whether to try and pursue anything or just wipe my hands clean and move on.

    Sat 27, May 2017 at 9:00pm