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Nervous about being engaged why now?

Posted by: gordon
Tue 13, Jul 2010 at 6:52am
Making a Commitment

I am looking for advice on being nervous after getting engaged. First some background.

I am 49 this year and have been in a live in relationship with my partner for the last 12 years. I have a wonderful Step Daughter and I have no intention of leaving my partner. So, after sitting and thinking of how best to propose I finally did two weeks ago. I wanted to do it, my partner was / is very happy and so should I be so why am I now – after a total of 14 and a half years in a relationship – nervous about being engaged? My partner and I have had our ups and downs over the years, I’ve seen her bad side, she’s seen mine but I don’t intend to go anywhere, neither does she. So what I can’t understand are these feelings of “am I doing the right thing” “what if it does not work out” “I feel trapped”, when I want to marry her, I thought long and hard about it and wanted to propose to her?

The only difference in our relationship will be that we are married, that’s it! So why am I nervous? The only thing I can think of is that when I was a child my two older brothers first marriages imploded in the most spectacular way, could this have affected me in some sub conscious way? (I was about 7 at the time and 18 when the other brother’s relationship ended).

I’m determined to marry her, I do love her and I do not want the relationship to end. I just can’t figure out, after all this time why am I nervous now?

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  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    You sound very surprised by the feelings of anxiety your proposal  has aroused in you!    The reasons may well be in your past experience as you say...and talking this through with your fiance may help.  If not your fiance a close family member or  counsellor  might  be the way forward.This hasn't undermined your determination to go ahead it is really what you want to do.   In the meantime finding out more about marriage i.e.that it is a process and not a state, can be done by looking at the material on the 'check it out' section  of this site ..the 'stages of relationships'  will help you see where your relationship is at the minute and the 'cycle of happiness' video is very good for letting you know what needs to be in place to ride the rough patches.   Other than that it sounds like it would help if you and your fiance were to look at your expectations of marriage.   What comes across very strongly is that this is an opportunity for you to get to know yourself better!!   I wish you every happiness.

    Fri 16, Jul 2010 at 8:12am
  • User-anonymous gordon Flag

    Thank you for your kind words and they have been very helpful.

    Fri 20, Aug 2010 at 11:22am