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My plans depend on his ex-wife.

Posted by: TNCat75
Mon 13, Nov 2017 at 5:53pm

Hi everyone! I'm in a situation that's very new to me and would like advice.

I'm 42, dating a 48 year old wonderful, wonderful man for a year. Sweet as pie, treats me like an absolute queen. Has three wonderful children, two teen girls who are away at college, and a little dude who's six. They, too, are great. I feel so blessed and lucky to be a part of their lives.

Here is of course the kicker. The ex-wife.

She is ex-wife #2 (#1 passed away) and is the mother of the little dude. She is a very domineering, "world revolves around me" type human (this isn't just coming from him, I've seen this behavior first hand). He shares custody with her, but as primary custodial parent he gets the dude more. Because she is SO. HARD. to deal with and he wants to keep the peace, he pretty much goes with whatever she wants as far as plans go - I can't tell you how many times I've had to cancel plans, reschedule dates, leave dinner, etc., because she decides at the last minute to change hers up. And honestly, the outcome is he gets his son more, so I feel like any inconvenience I might have is petty compared to that.

The thing that really bothers me is the fact that when she calls or texts, he jumps. Like someone has shocked his behind and he's got to move fast. It's bothered me, more so that he feels he has to than anything on my part. Except for this weekend. This weekend HURT.

I admit to you this upfront - I lost my mother two weeks ago. I was her caretaker, she was my world, and I am grieving hard, so needless to say my skin is a little thin right now. This weekend was ex's weekend with the boy, so BF made plans for us to just be lazy, relax, binge watch our shows, sleep in, and just try to be a couple for the first time in a long time, as it has been a tough month with mom's health. At some point, she had texted him to come get the boy because felt bad, then said never mind (he'd had his phone in another room and didn't get the text until later).

Right in the middle of an intimate moment, she texts back. Ya'll he stops and checks the phone, says she DOES want him to come get the boy, and gets up and gets dressed. Just...right in the middle of it.

That hurt. He KNEW it hurt but asked me to understand, that since her daughter was at college now and she didn't have her extra baby sitter, she'd do this more often, and he was happy he'd get to spend more time with the boy. And I get that. And I told him I'd never put him in a "them or me" situation because I knew I was dating a parent when I started and I insist he puts the kids over me. I just don't feel like this is putting the kid first as much as keeping her happy so that she won't cause any trouble.

We are starting to talk about marriage. And I feel like we have a big block now. This is why I'm coming to the board. Being as right now I'm in a vulnerable state and overly sensitive - would I be in the wrong in this situation to at least ask him if he could finish whatever we're doing before he jumps and moves? To say "give me thirty minutes" instead of just jumping up like the house is on fire?

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  • User-anonymous kamilla Flag

    No you aren't wrong because he shouldn't act like that. He doesn't need to jump to her every whim and she should stick to a plan....tell him it needs to stop.

    Wed 22, Nov 2017 at 11:03pm