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My boyfriend doesn't initiate or want sex.

Posted by: Anonymous
Wed 11, Mar 2009 at 6:19pm
Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months now. We love each other and get on amazingly well. However...he doesn't initiate sex with me. In the day he can be all over me, hugging and kissing me,holding my hand, saying how pretty I look and how attractive he thinks I am. This is all very well but I wish he'd show it in the bedroom!

When we do have sex (usually initiated by myself) he finds it difficult to have an erection for more than ten minutes. I feel this is the root of the problem and is why he doesn't initiate sex with me. We've spoken about this many times trying to get to the root of the problem but with no luck! The funny thing is that throughout the day, he has no difficulty getting erect, but when it comes to having sex...this is another matter.

A big problem now is that when I feel in the mood for sex I tend to fantasize about other people, including one of my exes who I was very sexually active with. I feel guilty for doing this, but find it difficult to fantasies about my current boyfriend as we hardly have sex!!!

Please can someone offer me any advice about how to talk to my boyfriend about sex, how to make out relationship bit more spicy and whether I'm a bad person for fantasizing and thinking about my ex sometimes!! My relationships at the moment is going brilliantly in every department apart from this...

I'd really appreciate your comments,


The couple connection team has produced a helpful article about what to do if your partner doesn't want sex anymore, or just stops initiating sex. You can read the article My Partner doesn't want to have sex anymore - help!

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  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I had a very similar problem.  What I did was, i ignored him for a couple of days.  Only did a kiss here and there, then just simply wear something that makes you sexy or standout.  Do something thats subtle but noticable.  I watched porn with him, he liked it, i was fine with it.  If you are not into that than i advise not doing that, he'll think you do like it!!!  some girls do some girls dont. 
    But ignore him, i guess hold out for a bit.  He will notice and want to have sex.  Flaunt yourself in from of him.  
    I iniciated sex ALL the time.  I just simply ignored him about sex and it seemed to work for me.
    For talking to him---Go to the sex store.  Pick out some outfits, gadgets, lotions, etc.  Then when your are buying/looking for sex things, talk about it, talk about sex, youre already on the subject right?
    its awkward at first, it was for me when i started dating my BF.
    does that help?

    Wed 11, Mar 2009 at 6:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you, it really does. I love him and I'm 100% willing to work through it, but it's reassuring to hear that I'm not alone. With regard to thinking about my ex, I have no desire to be with him at the moment but when it comes to sex, I do tend to think about him as we were very sexually active and experimental. I really want to associate being turned on with being with my boyfriend and not my ex, if you know what I mean!!! I do feel guilty about it you think this is natural? I think it;s justa case of associating being aroused with my boyfriend.
    Thanks again, your comment really helped. :)

    Wed 11, Mar 2009 at 9:39pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Could you go together to the GP? Holding an erection for 10 mintues and then losing it could be a sign of a medical problem. Getting him there won't be easy, but it may be of great benefit!
    Him not wanting sex is probably pretty normal if he's embarrased that he may lose his erection.
    Good luck!

    Thu 12, Mar 2009 at 9:56am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi there, I have been having a similar issue of late. 7 months roughly... and very similar issue in the last month. I have often felt I have a higher libido but I do also think there is something more to this.  How did you get on with the advice you have received?

    Fri 3, Apr 2009 at 6:13am
  • User-anonymous louise85 Flag

    i have  simular situation, i have been with my bloke for 4 years and until 6 months ago we had an amazing relationship and could`nt keep our hands off eachother most of the time! he initites sex all the time but i have just lost my sex drive completley and have lost all confidence i just hate myself at the moment,
    but we have been under a lot of stres over the last 6 months mainly due to money and its realy upsetting me as we are now the opperssite to what we were and i feel like we are stuck in a rut
    we have gone from talking about everything beng loving and honest to agueing about everything and being snappy.
    what i`m trying to say is have you asked him if he is under any stress or maybe he should visit a gp as it may be medical

    Fri 3, Apr 2009 at 4:51pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    oh wow you just described my situtation!! Its funny cuz now i am just so mad at my bf that he couldn't get erected its not even funny...he does tell me that he is attracted to me and that i look hot but when it comes time for us to have sex he can't get an erection its so frustrating...if u find a solution plz tell me

    Sat 4, Apr 2009 at 12:21am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    To you upstairs...I suggest shouting at and berating your bofriend because he has a physiological problem is callous in the extreme and is psychological abuse.
    Its a bit like yelling at a blind person because he doesnt know what colour is, or a paraplegic for not walking unaided to the shop to get 'u' milk...
    I am appalled frankly,

    Sat 4, Apr 2009 at 1:07am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    ugh same here. it can get so depressing and even lower my self esteem. i have alot of admirers and many would love to have sex with me a million times a day lol but my own boyfriend the one guy that i want doesnt. tonight he told me it was too late. the day before it was because his thing soposadly hurt then day before was because he was tired i dont know what to do!!!!! i'm a very passionate person and need sex and hurts me deeply when my boyfriend has rejected me numerous times! he tells me hes attracted to me he kisses me here and there but when i try to start anything i get rejected! i really dont want to move on or find a guy that will want me but things are getting so hard. we've been together for two years and a half i'm 21 he's 22 and we just started living together.

    Wed 8, Apr 2009 at 8:42am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I've been with my boyfriend for only 2 months now. But I'm having like the same situation.. My Boyfriend is super super awesome, but when it comes to sex, he feels like he can't sex me.. he loves to watch porno and stuff..
    He always says that he wants me, and that I'm super Hot. etc etc. he kisses me a lot.. We can cuddle the whole day but when it comes to sex, I feel like he's not feeling confident.. He always says, "I don't wanna dissapoint you".. I don't understand, because his penis is not small at all, then why is he so scared to dissapoint me. He always says, "I'm gonna come like in 2 minuts". and I don't wanna dissapoint you...
    We never really had sex before.. well maybe its too soon for him.. I don't know. But sometimes it seems like he really wanna sex me up. but when it comes to that point, he doesn't want to. He can get a erection the whole day when he's kissin me and stuff. but why can't he have sex then?? I'm so confused.
    I just need an answer. Because I'm so confused  right now. and I really want him.. he's a super nice guy.

    Sat 18, Apr 2009 at 3:57am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Tell him to pull out and keep it slow if it is too intense for him.
    Even if you guys take it slow for five hours he will eventually build up his resistance to coming.
    When I make love to my beautiful and sexy partner sometimes she is really overwhelming and I come straight away. This doesnt satisfy her so we kiss for a while and play around and I help her to get deeply in the mood and then the downstairs guy gets excited and wants her.
    Usually I can work into long and hardcore love making for a few hours until she is spent and wants to sleep.
    Take it ssllooww first!!!

    Sat 18, Apr 2009 at 6:37am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Oh, and I dont know what kind of guy emotionally he is but some interesting stuff I used to notice when I was younger was that I could meet a woman and have casual sex which was pretty much 'porno'. Although I thought it was cool at the time that kind of sex and sexual expectation was not appropriate or suitable to a developing relationship.
    I had to learn to show love and tenderness and affection and deep committed passion.
    When I met some girls and wanted to take it further in bed, if it was no love and all porno I became jaded and felt like there wasnt emotional depth, intimacy and special communication.
    With my beloved we do both depending on the mood and they go together and make it all so much more fulfilling for her- and me.
    Last time we had sex I was tired and had been drinking two nights in a row. I couldnt get hard. We still were burning for love so she grinded up and did a good job of coming to climax in the end. She felt no pressure to comment and thought 'oh well' we have alot of options.
    I will do anything to please my woman/it is mutual, we work it out and stay committed to intimacy. Even if I am a volcano and she is tired she will come to meet me and I will try to work to make her feel chill and dreamy...Her work ethic in bed is not always in sync with my work ethic, but we generally go the extra mile for one another...
    Hope this helps from guyland,

    Sat 18, Apr 2009 at 6:52am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I understand what everyone is saying, and me and my fiance have been together for over 5 years now, in the beginning, first year was great, then it just slowly started going downhill from there. We could not keep our hands off each other that first year and even did it 2 or 3 times a day, then. all of a sudden he just "GOT TIRED" every night, it is still like that to this day, i have tried everything in the world to make our sex happen. Like others here have said he has no problem getting erect throughout the day, but when it comes down to having sex he is tired, or it is too late, or just whatever excuse he can come up with. I have tried talking to him many times, but that is our problem, he doesn't even want to talk about it, he says "There is no problem, i'm just tired" or he will say "TOMORROW" then tomorrow will come, and i will be all hot because i have to wait all the time, so when he tells me tomorrow im thinking about it all day tomorrow, but it will come to time to have sex and he will be tired or "TOMORROW" will come up all over again. i don't know what to do.I hae tried to get him to just go get his testosterone checked, just to cancel that out, but he thinks there is NO problem, so he won't go!!!! I don't know what else to do.

    Wed 22, Apr 2009 at 5:20pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have the same problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months. I question, "Is he not attracted to me?" "Is he gay?" "Does he just not enjoy sex?" He doesn't have a problem getting aroused is what is so frustrating. He can get a boner but he claims he is just "too tired" to have sex. If I do not initiate sex then he absolutely WILL NOT. He can go months without having sex. He pleases me emotionally and is an amazing boyfriend, but I think, "If he wants to make me so happy then why can't he please me sexually?" It's so frustrating. He does have to wake up at 5 a.m. for work, but when I'm tired I can still have sex. Also, he has the oppurtunity to initiate it during the day and he never does. I feel like I am pressuring him to have sex with me. It hurts me so much because I love him and can't imagine life without him but he makes me feel unsatisfied and heartbroken every night we turn out the lights and he rolls over and passes out.

    Thu 23, Apr 2009 at 5:02am
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    Many of the posters on this thread have identified the same difficult proble, which can really eat away at a relationship.  I wonder whether any of you have considered going to counselling together to get some help with this?  There may be an underlying issue that needs talking through in a safe environment (for example there can be an expectation in our society today that all blokes are ever-ready for sex and all know just how to please their partner - if he doesn't feel like that he could be feeling very anxious!) - or it could be useful to learn some basic techniques for making the whole sex thing more relaxed and taking the pressure off both of you to "perform".  Your counsellor would be unshockable and well used to dealing with this type of problem in a relationship - see or for access to counselling.  Good luck to all of you, hope you are able to work this through with your partners.

    Thu 23, Apr 2009 at 7:58am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank god I am not the only one. I have been married for 7 months now and it seems like he is not that into me. He gets an erection at 5 am, while he is sleeping, but when it comes down to having sex with me, there is NOTHING. I tried kissing him and everything , but NOTHING. I am getting mad, but I don;t feel like talking about it anymore.
    I don't want to sound arrogant, but I am really atractive and I have never experienced this before. On top of it, our sex life is NOT amazing. I had better before, but I love him and I am happy with him on so many different levels, that sex thing wasn't the most important thing to me. So knowing that he isn't the best I had so far, I felt like I was the one who was setteling in that departmant.....I don't know. I have tried everything. One day he told me, that he would love to see me always walking in the heels at home, ... so I do it. I cook with heals, I clean up the house in my sexy heals.. and at this point I am tired of it.
    After all that, I found out that he lived with 2 GIRLS at one point in his life ( he is 34 years old, and that was going on, when he was 27). WOW, I was shocked, jealous and now that he has problems with erection I am going crazy. He told me numerous times, that that whole thing was an experience, which he oesn't want and if he wanted it, than he would have stayed in a relationship like that etc.
    I understand that there are times, when your sex drive goes down..., but after being together for a year and being married for couple of months and this is already happening, than.....Grrr, I am really mad, really, really mad and not just because of sex, sex, but because of my self esteem. I can be without sex, but not having the feeling of being wanted, really kills me.
    Starting today, I will ignor or try to have sex. There will be no more heels... It takes two to tamgo and I sure won't be pulling my part of the deal, just to see his penis asleep all the time.
    I am angry :-(

    Thu 23, Apr 2009 at 9:36am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am a 26 year old male and love my 22 year old girl friend. It hurts me to always want to be with another girl because she wont have sex with me more than twice a month(it is just not enough for me). We are now going onto 2 years together and have been togetehr nearly everyday in those 2 years. I think we have spent too much time together but we have become very attached.
    In the first 3 months we had sex more than once a day and was amazing and I could never come for the first month. Then after 6 months I would come very quikly because she knew exactly what to do to me and I felt embarressed but never cared enough to stop wanting sex with her. I started making her orgasm everytime with my fingers and then we would have sex which she enjoyed much more. Now I always have to finger her before we have sex and seems routine because she asks me everytime. Last time we had sex she told me ok because you have waited long enough and intially said 'tomorrow'. Made me think?
    The main problem is that she will not have sex more than 3 times a month with me and is sending me insane. I told her that i need more sex atleast once every two days and says that she just doesnt feel like it all the time. I am now sitting up at 3 am in the morning thinking I want to leave her after all this time. I cannot live like this anymore, although I love her so much. I have resorted to porn everyday and I hide away where ever I can so I can realease myself. It is really annoying me especially when i ask her all the time and have given up making a move. I know she aint cheating because we are together all the time but obviously there may be a bigger problem when I think about being with other girls now. When we have sex, I want to have sex the next morning too but the thing is she will not. She says that she leaks from her vagina for a few days after we have sex and mabey this is why she doesnt want to have sex.
    Could someone answer me if they think it is boredom of routine orgasms with my fingers and then sex. Is it that we have been togetehr everyday for 2 years or is it that she is lazy and just doesnt feel like it or she is not attracted to me although she still cuddles kisses and grabs everything except my you know what unless she wants sex. Im so confused and am thinking about breaking up with her, although I dont want to because sex isnt everything. She is so nice and kind to me and very pretty to me. I am scared of cheating on her because I dont want to be like other guys that cheat and break her heart. I would never want to if she would have sex with me once every few days. she doesnt masturbate at all which shows she must have low sex drive. I am thinking this is why nice guys finish last and would hate to be cheated on after putting up with low amount of sex at my age.

    Sun 24, May 2009 at 6:27pm
  • User-anonymous Bubblegirl Flag

    I'm almost 30. I've been going out with my bf for 6 years.
    We havent had sex. I've asked for sex. He just doesn't want it. I find myself thinking of having sex with other people, but I dont' want my first time to be 'meaningless'. But I am very fustrated with my bf. There are so many things I am so not happy with him - like him acting like a teenager, no career drive, no job, being a mother's boy and doesn't want sex.
    He's my best friend. I am scared that if I end this relationship, I wont be able to find another guy..I'm not the hottest girl there is out there...and guys usually go for the hot ones.

    Tue 16, Jun 2009 at 8:12pm
  • User-anonymous CharlotteLove Flag

    I am in the same situation as a lot of you guys. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been together about 9 months, but only seem to have sex about once a month - which isn't really enough for me. He has either had too much wine or back aches or he is really tired, although that has been his excuse the last week although he still manages to go for a 3mile run!
    I don't get extremely horney all the time, sex for me is about closeness and intimacy. He initiated the first time we had sex, but since then he really doesn't seem to want to have sex. He loves bj's, and comes really easily from those and doesn't loose his erection. I don't think he has been with thay many girls, I think perhaps I am only the second girl he has ever slept with, so I don't really think he knows what he is doing. He probably lacks confidence, he shouldn't! When we do have sex he is amazing, and i've told him this!
    Does anyone have any good ways of initiating or showing him what to do without being patronising or making him feel inadequate? It is really starting to affect our relationship.
    Please help! thanks!

    Mon 6, Jul 2009 at 5:10pm
  • User-anonymous troubled28 Flag

    Hi Everyone
    I am in the same situation after an 11 year relationship with my husband. We are very close, the best of friends and are cuddly and loving the majority of the time. But, when it comes to our sexual relationship we just differ so much, I have a very high sex drive, whereas he can go for months without giving it so much as a thought. We have removed the tv out of the bedroom as he is a telly addict, but like tonight he is now sat downstairs watching a film and I am sat alone upstairs. I so desperately want us to start a family, but if he doesn't want to even have sex what hope have we got.
    He won't open up to me, I know he occassionally struggles to maintain an erection, but all he ever says is he has "hang ups" - what's that supposed to mean?
    i am with the girl upstairs, what is the best way of initiating sex or introduce new things with out making him feel terrible?

    Wed 29, Jul 2009 at 7:06pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi troubled,
    I'm not sure if my partner has a low sex drive, or if he just doesn't think about initiating sex, however, we only have sex when I try it on - making it obvious for a bit of time, until he's thinking in that mood. 
    I initiate by saying it bluntly (hopefully in a nice way), by putting his hand on my skin, or flirting heavily with him throughout an evening, then suggesting an early night.
    It seems to work quite well I think - worth a try?

    Thu 30, Jul 2009 at 8:24am
  • User-anonymous Scott_Tiger Flag

    Due to Global Warming and overall increase of Radiation Levels in the atmosphere, it has been noticed that an alarming number of men have lost their erectile strength... for that use herbal viagra type medicine (deleted medical details) has been shown to make a senile cobra fully loaded and hooded to strike in a second... :P
    jokes apart...
    see i'm a guy, and i really love my girlfriend. But i couldnt perform a few times earlier because i just couldnt think of her in a 'sexual way'. As, in i watch a lot of porn but whenever i used to get into sex with her the image of pornstars used to come in my mind. I just LOVED her SO MUCH i felt guilty like thinking of her and thus my whole libido just became whatever...
    SO what i did was, i started to fantasize of other women, etc etc while doing with her... and lo it worked, seriously it may be sad but AS a guy thats what I DID. I love her, but sex is sex, its important. How important it is can be seen by these posts of all of you. Its psychologically maybe weird BUT thats a quick fix alternative. Tell your boyfriend to think of Catherine Zeta Jones or watch porn while having it....

    Tue 23, Mar 2010 at 11:27am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    In all relationships, there is a low desire partner and a high desire partner for EVERYTHING (saving money, friends ,cleaning..and SEX). The LDP will ALWAYS control when, where, how, and the style of the sex. You cannot change this. As for maintaining an erection, most people seriously underestimate the role of anxiety in sex...pick up the book 'Passionate Marriage' by Schnarch and read it carefully.

    Sun 28, Mar 2010 at 1:30am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I feel like Im not alone. For so long now, my boyfriend has been the same. I used to fight with him only because of the lack of sex. He'd tell me how sexy I was, pretty, and everything, but when we were in bed together he would go to bed. I used to initiate it, but then the rejection, constant humiliation really got to me. He'd tell me he loves me, but why couldnt he be intimate with me? He always has a thousand excuses..hes under some impression that all men are meant to be great at it, but i dont want all men..just him and for him to want me and physically show it. I dont like fighting about it one day, then the next he does stuff to shut me up i think, then i think that everything will be ok,.,but then he does it again..or has excuses..tired, sore etc..he doesnt like porn, he doesnt have any fetishes or anything..he can go for months ill bet, and if i nnever said anything..he's probably only be intimate to getrid of blue balls, unless his hand beats me to it..i know i sound jokingly, but im unbelievably frustrated. I thought men liked it. I talk about it and it gets me nowhere..I dont want nobody..I threatened to buy a vibrator and he suddenly acted all upset and begged not I said we'll work on it otherwise I have to..and in the end, i got the toy and it changed nothing between us..if I say im gonna go use the toy, he sometimes acts like he wants me cause i think he feels bad..ive tried other positions, porn, dressing up, everything..what gives?

    Wed 10, Nov 2010 at 11:32pm
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    To the anonymous poster above, I wonder if you would consider reposting your comment as an original post as you would probably get better response from the community then?  I do wonder if your boyfriend would benefit from seeing his GP, there may well be a physical reason for his lack of interest in sex, for example if someone is depressed it can really affect things in that area.  Hope you get some other ideas from the community.

    Thu 11, Nov 2010 at 11:27am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My boyfriend and I have been together for only 5 months. We love each other and cuddle all day long, but he is not interested in sex with me except maybe once a month, and when I initiate it. And then we just do it quickly, he comes, and rolls over leaving me unsatisfied. It is sooo frustrating. I have thought a lot about it and I think it has to do with a couple of things. One, both of us were sexually abused in the past and we both have hang ups, so I understand it is probably hard for him to open up to me. And two, he has the "madonna/whore complex"- where he puts the woman he loves on a pedestal but is sexually attracted to girls he has no emotional involvement with. It is difficult for him to reconcile the two- ie. have fun sex with the "madonna" (rrrg, I hate being the madonna!!!).  I don't know how to talk to him about this any more than I have, without making things worse. The worst part is, I know he is attracted to and has actually looked for other girls (whores) outside the relationship. My guess is we are not going to last too long. I may try counselling as a last ditch effort, but if it doesn't work out, I guess I'll move on to another guy who is into me that way. I am an attractive girl and there are plenty of them... it will just be sad to leave the guy I love because of sex. :(

    Thu 9, Dec 2010 at 11:17pm
  • Cc Lucy Flag

    To the anonymous poster above, yes I really think it would be a good idea for you to go to counselling.  You are obviously aware of some of the reasons that may be causing your difficulties.  You say you have both been sexually abused in the past - this must have caused you so much emotional trauma and pain it's not suprising you have 'hang-ups'. It would be good if you could talk your feelings and thoughts through with a counsellor who would give you help to move forward.  If your partner does not wish you go do go on your own see or  I hope things work out for you.

    Fri 10, Dec 2010 at 10:14am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    @ Anonymous on 10 November 2010 at 11:32pm
    Honey I hear you.. Im not at the point where I feel I need a vibrator...yet. However I have thought about it, and even fantasized about sex with other guys, mostly recent exes of mine. I can't help it honestly because Im so sexually frustrated, but beyond that it really pains me emotionally everytime he rejects my advances. It makes me feel unwanted, undesired and therefor my confidence is taking a huge blow.
    Weve been together 9 months now and the first six were great, but I mostly initiated sex. Now I ALWAYS have to and I have talked about how much it bothers me ...twice now so still waiting on the result from this time. I did manage to get out of him that he wants it to be more "sensual" and deep I guess... but It really felt to me like he was saying its my fault for not being romantic enough or something... meanwhile he never tries to set the mood at all! I t hurts so badly when he doesnt pay attention to my hints, and when I come outright and touch him or tell him I want sex, he says I am being vulgar and rough. His excuses range from being tired, to "it" being sore and having to work the next day...etc I am trying not to be selfish but how does he expect me to fill these urges if not with him??? I have woken up out of a dead sleep when he was horny to do it with him! Why can't he do the same? Why isnt it important enough for him to make me happy in this IMPORTANT aspect of our relationship? I guess Im going to attempt not initiating and see if he does, because he said he would try, but Im afraid he will eventually revert back to this again... ill let u guys know

    Thu 10, Feb 2011 at 3:39am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I guess I kind of have the same problem with my boyfriend. We've been together almost nine months now and we're pretty sure we want to be together for the rest of our lives. I love him so much, I couldn't imagine life without him, but I guess you could say we're having problems sexually. And it's only because he feels bad about himself, he doesn't think he's good at it or lasts long enough even though I was happy with it. He had sexual experiences before me, he was my first time. Before me he had several traumatic experiences, including one girl who told his friends he was bad in bed after he dumped her. Sometimes we have sex and it's amazing, other times he loses his erection or can't maintain it or can't get one, which I don't mind if we kiss a bit afterwards and do at least something sexual. However, at other times he almost doesn't want to try, and this hurts my feelings as I would like to do a lot of stuff sexually with him, not necessarily sex itself but something, I just don't think he enjoys sex that much because he associates it wtih pressure and performance anxiety. And then he's convinced I'm not satisified so he doesn't want to try I guess out of humiliation even though I've told him he does satisfy me and I don't mind if he can't always get an erection. But he has such low self esteem that he doesn't believe me. When we do have sex it doesn't last ages, which again I am not bothered about, but more foreplay beforehand would be nice, however I think he is afraid that if he does that too long then he'll lose his erection. I've tried mentioning it but that makes the self esteem problem worse, making us both upset. I love him so so much and I would never break up with him for this reason, all I want is for him to be more into doing it a bit more often, even if it doesn't necessarily go that way in terms of his erection. It doesn't bother me, but it upsets me greatly when he doesn't seem interested in sex and occasionally makes excuses of being tired and doing it tomorrow and then we don't. It disappoints me that he's not more passionate and into sex, but he thinks I want it all the time and I'm not satisfied by him, and it adds to his pressure when I bring it up. However, if I don't then it just continues with me feeling upset about us not doing more sexual stuff more often. He says he's just not as into sex as other people but I think that might be his nerves talking. Any ideas on how I can get him into trying new things (he doesn't really want to, again because it's nerves for him), he wouldn't see anyone out of embarrassment, I don't know what to do. I want to try different positions, anything. He doesn't find underwear or clothes particularly sexy, he's not bothered about oral sex, what can I do to get him more into having sex? It really frustrates me because he is perfect and my best friend and I love him so so much. I try to tell him that I love the way he has sex, I don't mind if we don't as long as he tries and seems into it, but he doesn't believe me as he has low self esteem, and doesn't want to try because he associates sex with stress and pressure and embarrassment. What can I do?

    Wed 16, Feb 2011 at 10:21pm
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    To the last commenter, you are having such a difficult time at the moment, maybe though it is just a case of you and your bf having different sex drives.  It does sound a bit as though you are trying to "fix" him, but if his sex drive is lower than yours it may be the same as if he is taller than you or has different colour eyes, that may be the way he is and you may have to accept him, low sex drive and all.  However ... it is quite possible a lot could be done to help both of you in your sexual relationship if you could only get him to talk to someone.  Would he talk to his GP about this, it is SUCH a common issue the GP will not be shocked or judgemental.  Or would he go with you to see a relationships counsellor, they can do a lot to help, Marriage Care and Relate are both good.  Hope you are able to either accept him as he is or find a way to get some help, good luck!

    Thu 17, Feb 2011 at 10:42am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I think the above advice is good, but your boyfriend's self-esteem issues might mean he won't take it.
    Have you tried just setting out to give him sexual pleasure without seeking any for yourself?  Probably really hard for you, but it would take his 'performance anxiety' out of the equation and allow you to learn more about what turns him on - and even getting him to tell you eventually.  Trouble is, for it to work, you're not allowed to decide to join after all - you need to help him get an erection, enjoy sustaining it and then reach a climax.  If he learns to enjoy it, allow himself to relax and go with the flow, you will benefit eventually.  But, if this works, you probably need to repeat it a few times, so he really understands that he can be a bit selfish in choosing to enjoy himself and that you take pleasure in his enjoyment.
    Just an idea.

    Sun 20, Feb 2011 at 11:03am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    im going through the same thing i been with my fella nearly a year now, i have got 4 kids im 27 hes 30, we only have exy bout once a week and over the past month its been only after we or hes had a night out! i am constantly thinking, does he fancy me anymore, he tells me all the time that im beautiful and how sexy i am but he never shows it not even in a romentic way! i feel like we are best friends more than lovers, it even gets me in tears sometimes cos i love him soooo much and i want to know why he doesnt even want to be intermate! we hardly every snog, i feel scared to even try it on with him cos i dont want to be rejected, i sit there and look at him and imagine all sorts! im so scared that cos he dont feel that way bout me will he with some1 else?
    i tried the ignoring him thing and he just seemed to love it that i wasnt trying it on!
    i try and believe him that hes just not got a labido but in arguments and just talks hes said thats its my situation and y kids and many other things!
    we are at a point now where we have just argued about it!
    what can i do its driving me mad????

    Tue 22, Feb 2011 at 7:46pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I think that my boyfriend's lack of libido and inability to maintain and erection stems from his excessive drinking. As I have read, alcohol lowers testosterone and causes men to have a low sex drive and erectile dysfunction. My boyfriend drinks anywhere from 5-10 beers daily. We've only been together for about 4 months and I have yet to experience a good sexual encounter with him. He is also 42 years old and divorced about a year ago after a 13 year marriage. Before we got together, he would be very sexual in his talking and we would chat online a lot and on webcam. Then when we decided to actually be together, there is nothing sexual. Evertime we have tried having sex, he can't maintain an erection, then calls his pecker a "worthless f*er." I really believe that it mostly has to do with his drinking, but there really is no way to talk to him about it. I think that his inability to perform has also effected his confidence. He is not the type of man to see a GP about this. He would just rather ignore the entire situation all together. This is really bothering me, because I feel that if any aspect of the relationship is missing, whether it be sex, trust, communication, etc... then there really is no relationship. He is aware that this is bothering me, and any time I mention something about us not having sex or him not touching me, he says sarcaastically, "Really?" or "Here we go again." I would be very happy with any type of intimacy with him, to feel connected and bond with him, even if it were just touching and kissing, no intercourse. Everything else in our relationship is fine. He's a perfect gentleman and the most amazing man I've ever been with, except for this. And it's the only thing that I cannot talk to him about. I would also feel better if he would make some kind of effort to improve our sex life, but he is just ignoring it completely. I've tried dressing sexy for him, which has worked a couple of times, but for the past month, absolutely nothing will work. Mind you, we have only been together for about 4 months. I have never had a relationship where the sex was dead right from the start. Again, I believe it has mostly to do with his drinking, but how do I manage to talk to him about his drinking to improve our sex life? I want to tell him that I'm not willing to stay in a sexless relationship, but I also turned my world completely upside down to be with him, so I'm not going to just walk away. I want us both to work through this, though I don't see how that's possible if his only approach is to ignore it. Help, advice, anything.... please????

    Sun 6, Mar 2011 at 1:52pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My boyfriend of 18 months was never into sex right from the outset. He doesn't get any pleasure if I fondle him or go down on him. He is not into kissing and not into giving oral sex either. But apart from sex, we have a wonderful friendship going on. We are very compatible on many levels. I am emotionally dependant on him as a result. But everytime I used to talk or initiate sex, he gets agitated and withdrawn. He accuses of pressuring him. After 18 months, I have now resorted to trying to accept him and not ask for sex. I realise that I had been avoiding friends for the past 18 months. I tried calling and chatting with a few of my old friends, but it feels strange and effortful. I feel jealous of other couples, and friends who have partners. I wonder if I may be depressed. Please share your thoughts.

    Sun 13, Mar 2011 at 7:51pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Im a 20 year old female and my bf is 28, we've been together just over a year now and in love. The 1st few months of our relationship we'de have sex up to 5 times a day everyday .. but only these last couple of months i feel as if he isnt sexually attracted to me anymore... He takes care of me, tells me he loves me all the time and how pretty i am to him but that isnt enough lol... I know sex isnt everything in a relationship but we have it like once a month now and even then hes goyt alcohol in his system because hes just been out drinking with his mates so really i havent had sex with him when hes sobor for 5 months .. maybe longer i dont know..  and im lying awake in bed at stupid oclock in the morning just rlli sexually frustrated and at the same time angry and confused to why he's like this. We go to bed and i get a hug and a good night kiss from him.. (but this is only bcuz i nag him for one) and he always comes up with excuses these days like hes too tired or hes aching from the gym or it's too late and he has to be up for work in the morning. I dont know what to do, i dont want to sound big headed or whatever but ide say im a good looking girl, i take pride in my appearance, im very proud of my body, im caring .. never argue and all i ever do is run around after him.  There needs to be some changes but i dont want to fall out with him over this.. ?

    Tue 15, Mar 2011 at 6:45pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hey so I am in need of help! My boyfriend just doesn't want to have sex. EVER. We've been together for about a year and a half. When we first got together, we were doing it everyday. Now he gets mad when I try to initiate it and he never initiates it. He also gets mad when I try to talk about this with him. He's really weird though. He gets hard after a fight or when i'm crying? it doesn't make sence to me. Why doesn't he want to have sex? I haven't changed at all. He never compliments me anymore. We have fun together and other than a few kisses here and there, it feels like we're just friends. I ignore the whole sex situation and it doesn't even phase him! It's so frustrating. Please HELP!

    Sun 20, Mar 2011 at 5:06am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Some guys don't have gutts to do that or may be he feels shy or may be he loves you truly that he wants it only after marriage.You should communicate with him on that then you will come to know the exact reason.

    Wed 23, Mar 2011 at 9:16am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Some guys don't have gutts to do that or may be he feels shy or may be he loves you truly that he wants it only after marriage.You should communicate with him on that then you will come to know the exact reason.Communication is the only solution of your problem.

    Wed 23, Mar 2011 at 9:18am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Comment deleted by admin as it contravenes the terms and conditions of the site. 

    Wed 30, Mar 2011 at 6:55am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi, i met a guy through a friend 3 years ago. last year we started communicating heavily though phone and email since we were both living in different countries. after 6 months of great connection, we both flew somewhere and met up and had the most amazing 2 weeks of our lives together. 
    then we both flew back to the cities we live in which are in the opposite sides of the world.
    this was about 3 months ago within which he has asked me (a couple of weeks ago) to be in a committed relationship with him, talks about me to all his family and friends and has his family member calling me at midnight on my birthday to wish me. he is extremely loving, seems to care a lot, does not miss a day that he doesnt wish me good night or good morning and all that sweet stuff.
    i also have to mention that i feel the same for him, love him dearly and have been equally sweet to him.
    what i dont understand and am extremely bothered by, is that although he is constantly talking about future, he does not make any plans with me to meet. we are both in our 30s and are busy with work, but i find it very odd that he avoids this subject. i have brought it up a whole bunch of times but no use.
    i cant help but thinking this is probably not going to go anywhere as it has been 9 months already. keep thinking of breaking up with him but what if that would be the wrong thing to do?
    i dont want to be wasting my life and emotions. i love him and we have so much in common.
    he seems to be content with having this long distant relationship with no plans at all.
    this makes me very confused...
    any suggestions?

    Sun 24, Apr 2011 at 5:58pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ugh... Guess I'm not the only one..
    I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years.  We used to have an amazing sex life, but for the past 3 months now.. he only wants it when he wants it.  Maybe once or twice a week...  Every time I want it, he makes an excuse up.  He's either tired, or doesn't feel good.  It's annoying now..  I have guys that give me compliments all the time, but I don't want them from them, I want them from him.  I'll get a compliment once in a great while.. a nice passionate kiss only when he wants to have sex.. and like I said, we only have sex when he's in the mood.. which is very rare anymore. 
    I've noticed as of late also, that he can jerk off to porn EVERY DAY.. but can't have sex with me.. I don't get it.  I'm not an ugly girl by any means and I'm willing to do anything and everything in the bedroom with him..  but I just don't turn him on I guess the way porn does..
    I'm not saying I will, but I now get why people cheat...

    Tue 31, May 2011 at 6:28am
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    To both the commenters above - you will probably find that you get much more response from the site community if you put your comments up again as new posts, these tend to attract more attention and comments from the community.  Good luck both of you with the way forward!

    Tue 31, May 2011 at 7:11am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Same thing here. Four years together, last three have been less than satisfying. 'I'm tired' or 'tomorrow' every time I try to initiate anything, so I've stopped bothering. It really doesn't do much for your self-esteem and makes you feel anything BUT sexy if the one who loves you isn't interested in having sex with you.
    It makes me so angry and sexually frustrated and he's then even more put-off. Now it's once a week (if that). I actually find myself now at the point of contemplating sleeping with someone else or leaving. My ex and I also had a great sex life, really regular and passionate and he made me feel soooo sexy... now to have THIS. I feel sorry for you girls, I know how hard it is and what it does to your self-esteem. Chins up :)

    Sat 9, Jul 2011 at 3:23am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i have very similar problem, my boyfriend and i have been together for 7 years, we are in our twenties and he is just 5 years older than me. our first sex is after we have been together for 3 years which mean we start sex 4 years ago. we have sex about once to twice a week for this 4 years but the difference is the first 2 years he will initates it and coming to this 2 years it is always me who initiates it ALL THE TIME. he does reject me sometime with the typical excuses, tire... got to work... too late...  we do it tml etc etc... we have sex once a week a day routinely and it is always me who seduce him kiss him, lick him, bj everything. prepared comdom etc. sometimes he does not even touched my boobs nor strip me for the whole session even he inserted me, making me feel like he just wants to get it done. he says he has lower sex drive as compare to me which i think it is partially true but he does watch PORN almost EVERYDAY and get erected although he does not masturbate every time he watched. he prefer masturbate much more than sex me. i'm slim, fair and pretty, often when i go hang out guy approach me and ask for numbers. he thinks that too but he just doesn't like to sex me or do anything to aroused me.. any comment?

    Sun 10, Jul 2011 at 5:18pm
  • Cc Charlie Flag

    To the above two posters - you'll probably find that you'll receive more comments and support from the community if you make your comments into new posts. They are more easily seen by the community and usually get more response. I hope it works out for you both, best wishes, Charlie

    Mon 11, Jul 2011 at 7:30am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    my story is kinda is like alot of these. me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months and 1 week. we have had sex before, like 5 or 6 times, tried a couple of things. We have fought about the issue of not wanting sex and all that. i know its weird, oh the guy doesnt want it, but i feel like i need it. i like sharing love with him like sex. we do small things like oral and stuff but lately he just wants me to please him, i mean sometimes i enjoy it too but he doesnt touch me anymore and when i stopped touching him and kissed him here snd there he got upset and thought i hated him or something.. i am so confused ):i feel unwanted and gross even though he does tell me im pretty, etc. i want sex. i dont want it everytime i see him but every once and awhile. can someone please help me with what i should do?! ): please and thanks.

    Wed 13, Jul 2011 at 3:02pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    To the above commentor, i am in the same situation too. Its really wierd as ive never experianced this before. I am 20 and my boyfriend is 30, weve been together around 13 months now and up until 3 months ago our sex life was asbolutely amazing, id never had anything like it, he completely blew me out of the world. But now, im lucky if i can even get a kiss. He's exactly like your man, we do small oral things, but actually, its me to him, he doesnt touch me anymore. Its making me feel like i am completely disgusting, like the thought of touching me makes turns him off. Even though deep down i know thats not truee because he does get an errection for me, he does get turned on when he kisses me, but he just doesnt want sex. For the past month ive continously confronted him about it and hes just laughed it off saying 'tomorrow' but now ive reaalised tomorrow never comes. we sat down last night and spoke about it and he actually admitted that at the moment he doesnt want sex, not just with me but in general. He says for the first time in his life he doesnt feel the need for sex and he knows he should be giving me sex but he just physically and mentally doesnt want to at this time in his life. My boyfriend is a hardworker, working 72 hours per week, so i know most of the time he is tired, but i am still feeling left in the cold. Up until our chat last night i was going crazy, completely sexually frustrated and feeling the need to go elsewhere, But now i realise i dont need to. If you love your boyfriend you can hold out for a while, see how things go without sex. Everything in my relationship is perfect, but i was for 3 months letting th whole non sex thing run and ruin everything as it was always on my mind and driving a wedge between us. But after reading everything here, ive realised im not alone and im gunna take some of the advice, by leaving him to it and not initiating or mentioning sex and letting him come to me first. Im hoping when he realises im not interested (well pretending not to be) and im distancing then he will pick up and stat maving the moves and getting back on track. I will let you know how things go :)

    Fri 15, Jul 2011 at 10:59am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I too am going through the same thing. My boyfriend is amazing and I feel like my love for him is so deep (corny I know), but lately our sex has been dwindinling. I stayed at his house this week because his parents were away. I was expecting him to think "Yes, the parents are away! Sex!" But no. We had sex twice.
    I just feel hurt by it. I've gained a some weight since we started going out and I feel quite unattractive, and the fact that he doesn't want to have sex makes me think that it's something to do with the way I look. He does sometimes go floppy when we have sex but he said he's always had that. I'm always the one to initiate. He never initiates and so I've been trying my best not to, but I'm just not very good at resisiting. Yesterday I got him hard in the day and told him that he could have more later and I stopped playing with him and then when later came, nope...He just went to sleep. I really do feel like it's me. I made a comment, something like "You can lick my F to make up for it." and the look on his face was as if I'd told him to eat dog shit. And I know you might think I smell, but I do stay clean, change underwear in the evening, etc.
    It's upsetting me. And I have been having fantasies about sleeping with other men I know, and I feel like I'm cheating on him by thinking of them like that (whilst I'm lying next to him and he's asleep, might I add!).

    Sun 17, Jul 2011 at 9:24pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank god, I thought it was just me... I've been with my bf for nearly 4 years, at first we were fine, like everyone else has said, we couldn't keep away, but we've just slowly gone downhill. I just sit up now thinking "what's wrong with me?!" I don't have a lot of self confidence, but I'm not fat, nor flat chested, and although I don't think i'm pretty but he always says how pretty I am. But then, he's just not attracted to me, well he says he is, but I'd argue otherwise. It's getting worse though, and I just think when we do actually have sex, is he just doing it to keep me happy? We haven't had sex since the 2nd June, sad that I know the date, I know lol, but it's just messing my head up and I have no idea what to do. :(

    Mon 18, Jul 2011 at 6:45pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He's very loving and affectionate - except in the bedroom. I practically have to beg for sex. And even then, it's a coin-toss as to whether we have sex or not. This is been the case since the beginning of our relationship. He has no problem getting and maintaining an erection and he does watch porn... so I have no idea what the issue is. He tells me how much he loves me and my body all the time... but being rejected all the time sure makes me feel otherwise! 

    Sat 23, Jul 2011 at 8:21pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I also want to say that my boyfriend and i also have a problem. he rarely wants to do it, he postpones it, he distracts me from it, or he says hes too sleepy to do it. Thing is that i get mad at him often because everytime i want to do it, he is tired cuz he masturbates too much, and leaves me in the end with nothing. I love my boyfriend so very much but all this rejection has really bummed me out, im starting to fell unattractive and not wanted. Im 20 years old, im young im tight, i always get attention from other guys, and i doubt ill have a problem getting it somewhere else..................but i dont get it from the person i want it from. Ughhh i dont know what to do. Sometimes i think about my ex too in the sexual sense, we were so sexually active. i never had to beg to have sex, and now that is all i seem to do.
    im tired but i dont want to give up because i love him. i tried almost everything and it doesnt work...
    what do i do?

    Sun 24, Jul 2011 at 12:14am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Maybe all these guys are really as selfish as they sound, but have you considered the possibility that they are anxious about whether they do it 'well enough'?  This affects a lot of men, for different lengths of time, and they find it hard to talk about, so make excuses.
    Can you think of a time when it didn't go so well?  Perhaps he was tired and failed to maintain his erection, perhaps you were distracted and he thought you were faking it, perhaps you made a casual comment that he took the wrong way.  Something that meant little to you at the time may have got him anxious about his performance.
    If it is this, there are different ways of dealing with it, depending on the man.
    If he is a pretty self-confident guy, then you can talk to him about it, so long as you make it clear that you feel that he is a good lover who has always given you what you need.  Don't talk about it at a time when you are gagging for it and keep the pressure off.
    If he has self-esteem problems, or if he is still anxious about pressure, can you devote a session to just pleasuring him without taking any satisfaction for yourself?  Or, better still, start by having a session in which you are both allowed to caress and arouse each other without being  permitted to come?  The point of sessions like this is to reinforce the pleasures of sensuality, while separating it from the risk of 'performing badly'.  If you do this, it is really important not to 'crack' and ask him for sex after all.  If you can manage this, it can be a lot of fun and restore his confidence.
    Of course, if you are dealing with a guy that really is just selfish or lazy, then this is not a great strategy - he'll just go on trying to get you to look after him while taking nothing for yourself.  But is that what you believe?  If he does try to behave that way, won't you just be able to say 'no, I deserve my pleasure too'?

    Sun 24, Jul 2011 at 7:43am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Was reading all the posts and finally at the end, a response to how to deal with it!  I'm gagging for it now, so when I do get it, (all 5 minutes cause since we only make love once a month lately - he only lasts 5 minutes), I'll wait a couple days to talk to him about the lack of and how we should deal with it! We are both confident, just the past 6 months it's been issue after issue - our vibrant love life spiraled downward and is now on back burner (feels like it)! 

    Tue 26, Jul 2011 at 3:09pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am amazed to see soooo many posts from women with the same issues.  I was with my boyfriend for 9 months and the sex situation was Terrible!  Practically zero.  Same as many others, I had to initiate it and hope he would even stay awake...!  He gave nothing, I had to do everything....!  He was basically not like this in the rest of the relationship.  I kept hoping it would improve.  I talked with him many, many times and got the same thing denial.  HE would say that nothign was wrong, he was tired, it would get much better, he is in love iwth me and thinks I am beautiful, etc.  He as well would really say nothing about sexual turn on's, etc.  When we would have sex, he didnt have any problems....all worked fine besides the fact that I had to do most everything.  The only things that I could ever figure out were that he did say all the time how he needs to loose weight and doesnt feel he can do as much as he wants (so some of it may be a self esteem, non confidence issue) and then the other thing is that he was also closed off emotionally to a great extent...had some serious issues that he needed to deal with so he never would tell me his feelings that were negative about me and the relationship until it got pretty bad so I assume he was angry and resentful at me most of the time. You may wonder what was I doing in this relationship???  Believe it or not, he was a wonderful man in many other ways and was very affectionate outside of sex.  However, on a romantic trip to Maui last week....not a bit of sex or romance....that was it.  I cannot take it anymore...I cannot live a life of no sex....of begging for sex, of feeling hurt and rejected constantly.  I really dont deserver this one bit and I am going to take care of me.  Id rather be alone.  As some other women stated, I am attractive, have never had any problem even close to this with any men Ive been involved in the past!  I wont live this way.  Due to this and the emotional distance as well.....I felt I was getting 'scraps' and I deserve so much better as most of you women probably feel you do too.  Is your relationship worth it..can you live like this????  No more for me.  Best wishes to everyone! 

    Sat 6, Aug 2011 at 11:48pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hello Ladies,
    I know my answer is probably void by now as the question was asked years ago. But to all of you who have posted since and are having sexual issues with your partner:
    There is no one correct solution to this problem. All relationships are unique just like the people in them.
    But moving on to some actual advice - its time to take a look at yourselves for a minute.
    Frustrated at your partner? Can't understand how someone so affection outside the bedroom has no interest in anything inside the bedroom? Some of you definately sound like the take charge type. You are probably baffled by this behaviour! All men want sex don't they?! He should be the one begging me for sex. Surely any other guy would worship a woman who wants sex all the time!
    Before we get ahead of ourselves there is something you might want to consider.
    Yes, your not okay, your not happy in your relationship. Did you ever stop to make sure that he was okay?
    A lot of people don't consider this. Men are stereotypically portrayed as the tough type. But they have feelings too. And being too embarrassed to share these feelings can tear a man appart.
    Stress can come from a lot of things, family issues, money issues, work. Did you know that stress can suppress sex drive? Did you know stress can turn off his sexual desires completely if they consume them?
    Men in this situation need one thing. They need you. Not in a sexual way I might add, emotionally. He needs someone other then his mates that he can talk to about everything and not be ashamed. Men share initimate 'mate' relationships with each other, but when it comes to matters of depression or emotion, they don't want to share for fear of being seen as weak. He might even feel the same way about you. You might try coaxing him to talk about things that might be stressing him out. Even the simple question 'How was your day?' can prompt him to release some of the stress that has been burning away all day. Developing your emotional relationship will develop your trust, and deepen your bond. Iff your there for him without him even askin, he will be able to release his stress whilst not jeopardising his masculine image. And with less to stress about, he will have more of his mind free to think and fantasise about you. Not to mention the physical stress on his body will decrease allowing him to once again function sexually (properly).
    Another factor (and one that women tend to ignore) is the fact that men can not get it up when they are uncomfortable or nervous. Remember the phrase stage fright? Bringing back some teenage memories I suspect? Nerves are simply another way of putting the body under stress which can lead to errectile disfunction.
    Why in the hell would my man be nervous? He's experienced, he's been with loads of women, we used to have sex all the time, how could these nerves suddenly appear?
    Nerves are usually generated from feelings of self doubt and low self esteem.
    A couple of the men mentioned in the blogs above are claimed to be very affectionate and caring, always full of compliments and tender touches. It's wonderful, it's beautiful and it probably makes you feel wonderful at the time. But Im guessing a lot of you then assume they were all empty words later when he isnt following it up by making love.
    Have you ever thought to reciprocate his compliments? It is always portrayed as the man's role to lavish women with gifts and pretty words. By why are men not deserving of the same thing? Where are they supposed to get there self confidence? A man will only feel worthy of a women if she makes a point to tell him so, his good looks will only be valid if youve made comment and his skills in the bedroom only valid if youve whispered in his ear what an animal he is. Men need assurance a lot more then women do, because they hardly ever get it. Try throwing in some compliments now and then. Tell him how sexy he looks in that shirt. Tell him how good he smells. Tell him how much he turns you on. Dont be afraid to play it up a little. Behind every confident man is a confident woman, and a confident man in the bedroom equals a happy woman. But why shouldnt you make him feel good in everyway? Men like beng acknowledged for their skills whether its intellectual or physical. Tell him how impressed you are about how much he knows about cars. Be amazed at his culinary skills. Men instinctually gain a sense of accomplishment from being acknowledged for these kinds of things.
    And just putting it out there, what man isnt attracted to something that makes him feel good in so many ways? ;)
    Lastly, DO NOT lose your self in your frustration. Maybe he is frustrated with you! He could have all these feelings and insecurities under the surface and all your doing is criticising him for not having sex with you. What if he thinks sex is all you want? If thats the image your putting across, he could very well be denying you sex to punish you. To punish you for not trying to adhere to his other needs.
    What we women need to remember (I know I pull myself up for it all the time) is that men do not know what we are thinking. We can be the silliest creatures. I know Ive let my feelings be hurt, just because a man didnt guess my needs. Because I put an expectation there, and my poor man didnt mystically forsee what would make me happy. Too many romance novels I'm thinking.
    Women tend to create an image of the future or f what they want, and expect men to just know, because to us it seems so obvious. 'I am going to have a bath now *Sigh* I wish they werent so lonely' . . lame example I know, but ladies, surely you can see her intentions? She obviously wants the man to accompany her and fulfill some of her steamy sexual fanatsises in the tub.
    Some men wont be able to get her in there fast enough. Where as others will stay lying on the couch, watching T.V with a passing thought as to what his woman was on about.
    I could go on forever but I have important things to do tomorrow and sleep to be had!
    A concluding statement? Look at all the possibilities. What are all the emotional and physical factors that can cause sexual dysfunction or lack of labido? Which of these factors applies to my man? Are there any that could apply to him without your knowledge? (Like a medical condtion or naturally lower testorone levels?)
    If you truly love your man as he is, and you want to make things better, you have to work together as a couple. Meet each other halfway and go from there. Working through something like this could show him how much interest, thought and care you put into him and bring you closer.
    I know a lot of you are at your wits end, but he just might be to. He needs to be looked after just as much as you. Before you understand the root of the problem try to keep your anger down, because you dont know how you could be making it worse.
    ...Good luck.

    Mon 8, Aug 2011 at 12:12pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hello Guys and Gals, i just wanted to spread some of my knowledge to yall. Well me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and three months, i am a beautiful twenty year old Spanish female and my boyfriend is a handsome twenty six year old African american, at the beginning our sex life was out of this world... It was sex everday, twice a day and sometimes three times a day...then months went by and i started noticing we were slowing down on the sex. At first i didn't think too much of it cause i know he is a very buisy man, but there were days where i sat and thought to myself... " Does he still find me sexually attractive? Is he interested or seeing someone else? Is he hiding something from me, that he doesn't want to reveal ". Well i let it go by for about five months then i finally had the courage to ask him. I simply quoted, " Baby why don't we have sex as much and are you still sexually attracted to me?"... With a smile he said calmy " It feels good having sex every so days, its more to then the same feeling. I don't want you to get tired of having sex with me and my nut feels so good whenever i get it off... Relationships just aren't about having sex...i can go without sex and still enjoy your company". When he told me that, i just knew right there at that point that he is the one for me... His words filled my heart up with joy and love, and honestly our sex life is even better, even though we have sex every three or five days or so, its fine with him and its fine with me. I find ourselves trying new things and exploring alot more and everytime we do have sex, my climax is the best!!!
    p.s. "Sex isn't everything in a realationship. Don't let lust fool you and blind you with love"

    Tue 23, Aug 2011 at 10:55pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm so thankful I found this thread...I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and sex has always been an issue. He told me when we first started dating that he has difficulty keeping an erection but at first it didn't really seem to be a problem. He is able to please me in other ways but I have never been able to get him to climax (he has to finish himself) and he can't climax during intercourse. I gained some weight during our time together and thought maybe he didn't find me attractive anymore so I have worked really hard to get back to my normal weight but still nothing...he is uber romantic, loving, cuddly etc but I'm too ashamed to be rejected again. In fact, my libido has significantly decreased because I don't feel atteractive at all anymore. I mean, what kind of girl can't get her boyfriend off? We've tried toys and dressing up but now I have lost all confidence. I can't help but feel that maybe he is gay? How do I ask him about that?! How do I talk to him about this without traumatizing him?! 

    Wed 24, Aug 2011 at 3:34am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    once every 5 months, no medical problems, no explaination
    I'm very happy to see this I have had the same problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for three years in september, this problem started within the first 9 months. He was totally made just for me, I LOVE HIM. I care for him and don't understand the problem, he won't explain.... I think he is uncomfortable and maybe I have approched the situation in the past in an aggressive way. But even a calm rational convo is not well recieved. It is a new situation for me. He likes oral sex which makes me think he is just lazy. I would just like him to notice the lack of sex has affected me, without seeming bitchy. I'm not gonna bug him about it because its not so important to fight and I don't want him to think thats all I want from him . We need a professionals help. Everyone is different so I know there is not an easy answer to this problem. I feel self absorbed to say that I feel less confident, completely insecure with my body, and very nervous to intitate sex because of the situation. It has changed me because I am usually very confortable in my own skin. I don't want him to think I judge him I just can't help to be pissed off tho. I go to bed every night wishing the man next to me would feel the passion I feel for him, but he is clueless. The rejection is the worst part. I pray for patience and a solution.

    Fri 26, Aug 2011 at 9:41pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    This has been a good subject to follow because there are so many couples in the same situation.  A lot of the advice would apply to your situation.  But you are right to say that everyone is different.  That is why professional help might be required for you and your boyfriend to find out what is really going on.  Two people who love each other should narturally be able to enjoy sex together.  Finding out and resolving what the problem is would help both of you be confident and secured in your relationship.

    Sat 27, Aug 2011 at 1:35pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi Everyone.  I've been going through a similar situation.  I've been seeing someone for 2 1/2 months.  When we see each other he is constantly kissing me, grabbing at me practically ripping my clothes off.  We never slept together.  I planned a camping trip for us a couple weekends ago.  First he said he was excited about it then he shot me down a few days before we were to go.   He keeps telling me he wants to make passionate love and he gets me wanting him more and more.  When I make a suggestion to be alone with him he backs out of it every time.  I am starting to feel very unattractive.  Any other guy would've ripped my clothes off.  What is the deal?  I have to end this because he's making me feel undesirable. I need a man who wants to be with me romantically.  Does he not find me attractive or does he have a sexual performance problem? I just don't get it.     

    Sat 3, Sep 2011 at 10:50am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I think sometimes we choose people unconsciously who 'can't' or 'won't' have sex with us, because we are afraid of it ourselves, on some level. Psychobabble perhaps, or could it be true? I have had one boyfriend after another who could not/would not have sex with me (although everything else was good) - be it religion/erectile dysfunction/lack of desire for it etc etc. Anyway, I'm wondering why a pattern is building, and trying not to go down the 'it's my fault, there's clearly something wrong with me, what could it be road, cos it's too awful!

    Mon 12, Sep 2011 at 10:10pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I think the previous advice to sincerely ompliment and show appreciation for your man is really important. This became clear to me when my bf told me I "take such good care" of him. I was confused... HE was the one doing stuff for me all the time... so I asked him to tell me specifically what I was doing that made him feel cared for. He said I tell him what I like about him all the time and that made him feel really good. He said he was used to being the one doing all the supportive stuff and now I am giving that to him. To me that says his previous gfs were kinda selfish maybe.

    Anyway, the one big thing I want to add to this conversation is this: If your man has trouble with a decreased sex drive, have him get his testosterone levels checked. It is VERY common for men to be low. And low levels decrease sex drive and cause depression.... so maybe what you and your man are going thru can be fixed with a simple shot in the ass!

    Thu 24, Nov 2011 at 2:45am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It is so relieving to know so many women are experiencing the same problem I am having with my live in boyfriend. We have been dating for almost a year and he has no interest in sex. He says it is not me and that he is very attracted to me but even when I try to initiate it or dress provacative for him he says no. It has begun to destroy my self esteem. I try to be understanding of him and the situation but it is so hard because he does not understand how important sex is to a woman. I feel so disconnected from him. I love him and when things are good between us I am at my happiest. I just wish we could get back to where we used to be but I just don't know how. Some days I am just ready to give up and just walk away. But I could never do that to him. I keep asking for strength to get past this. Hopefully we can.

    Wed 14, Dec 2011 at 2:09am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm so glad I found this as it's very similar to my situation though from what I've read so far (and didnt skip over) me and my partner have been together for a year and 2 months at first the sex was amazing it got to about 7 months and it stop, I found out he'd been talking to other girls in q sexual way, I forgave him and all was well but by this time I'd put on about a stone and had very low self confidence, things were getting back to normal in the bedroom department but he couldn't come we still had plenty of intercourse and it didn't seem to effect him, I had some problems with my contraceptiveimplant leading to a small amount of bleeding daily making sex a no no, went to the docs to new tablets and all was fine but since then he just doesn't seem interested in sex, I've tried everything I can think of and I'm coming to my whits end it's getting me down so much that I'm considering ending the relationship, but I can't do it when we are together he's the most cuddly cute affectionate and romantic person you could ask for, I've spoken to him abouthe's said he. doesn't realise when I'm trying to entice him, even though I've had my hand. down his trousers a few time he just doesnt seem to be getting the hint, I've asked him about it an he said that he just hasn't realised when I've been trying but I think it might be something else.
    Any advice will be greatly appreciated

    Wed 28, Dec 2011 at 2:51am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have a similar problem. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and 8 months. The first year or so was amazing. For the first few months we were having sex always every day, and sometimes twice a day. Then it dwindled down to a few times a week, which I suppose is normal. But now. Now sex is extremely rare. For the past 4 months I think it's gotten worse. He used to always initiate sex, which I was very comfortable with. I hate to initiate things because I'm scared of rejection, which is he well aware of. Ever since the sex died down, I have started to try and initiate things. He either pretends to be asleep, or just straight up lays there ignoring me. It seriously makes me feel so horrible when that happens, like I'm some unattractive person annoying him in his bed. If he doesn't respond to any of my attempts at initiating sex after a few minutes, I just give up. Usually rolling over in a huff pissed off. Then I start to silently cry. I think this has happened at least twice in the past month, and many times before. He pretends to be aloof about the matter. Acting like me rubbing his dick isn't an obvious attempt to have sex with him. When this happens and I'm crying silently, sometimes I feel the need to talk about it. I've done this several times and at first it would end in a fight. Then one night he said that because of his religious upbringing sex can make him feel guilty, and as a result has a lower sex drive. The most recent time it happened he apologized and tried to initiate sex, but I told him it was just too late. And that made him mad.

    I guess I don't know what to do. I was on my period last week and he was horny, so I gave him a blow job. So even if I'm not in the mood/able to have sex at the time, I still fulfill his needs. I stopped my period yesterday, and was more than ready to finally get laid. Tried to initiate something, nothing. He just laid there silently. I am just so sexually frustrated, and I'm even back to watching porn to keep from going crazy. Do you know what it's like to maintain and completely shave my vagina like, every day and not even have it appreciated? Do you know what it's like to have a drawer filled with lingerie and never get the opportunity to wear it? Do you know what is like to be 21, in my sexual prime, and NOT HAVE SEX? AH.

    I just wish I didn't have to go to bed next to him every night, wondering if he is going to have sex with me. I love him dearly and he is perfect in all other aspects of our relationship, but I am simply not sexually fulfilled.

    Sun 22, Jan 2012 at 10:57pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My bf is like a bump on a log when I touch him, so I don't touch him anymore; I touch my friend with benefits behind his back instead. His exwife cheated on him, and I don't blame her. He says our sexual chemistry sucks. I've never heard that complaint before. My ex was way older than he is, and he wasn't like this. It was great in the beginning, but not now. I'll be damned if I'm going to do all the work. If he won't go down on me, that's fine, because my friend with benefit goes down on me all the time. He's unwilling to do anything about it, so I took care of it my own way. I don't feel guilty, but I do feel angry at him because I shouldn't have to resort to cheating to compensate sexual neglect, which is a form of abuse. Other than that factor, life is good.

    Tue 31, Jan 2012 at 4:31am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank God I am not alone!!!!!! I am 43 and I have a much younger boyfriend. You would think that I would be getting it constantly and I would be getting the pat on the back with good job for landing u a young guy blah blah....NO! I might as well of went and found me an 80 yr old man!
    I have never been in this situation ever. The thing is, he works and pays bills and whenever i need something he runs out to provide for me. I am very thankful for that. He is excellent with my boys. They love him. But the sex!!! Or lack there of! Its gotten worse it is literaly down to once a month. I have asked him if he is gay, if he is attracted to me, wtf is going on.. he blamed it on his job and that he was physically tired. Well u would think i would get sex when he was off work...NOPE! He rescently had a week off because he just switched jobs that whole time i got nothing. The job he has just started is a driving job delivering car parts and still nothing. I am done. I am an attractive young looking 43 yr old woman and I would have no problem going out tonight and finding a man to satisfy my needs..but i dont want to do that! I shouldnt have to satisfy my own needs...and he is totally a prude about sex toys and porn when it comes to me...however, he used to watch porn all the time in the past...I dont know what to do anymore. My self esteem is going down hill fast. I have tried talking, yelling, threatening...and here we are... so i guess i either accept a sexless relationship with all my other needs met or move on.

    Mon 20, Feb 2012 at 3:54pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Oh thank god I am obviously not the only one I've known my partner now for around 7 years we were good friends before and have been together now for 4 years we wern't officially a couple when we started seeing each other sexually for a number of reasons I had just got out of a relationship and didn't want to to jump straight into another one especially with a man that I have cared about and I'll be honest loved for a very long time when we finally told each other how we felt we realized how idiotic we had been as we'd avoided getting together for years even though we had kissed and flirted with each other since we first met and we were both unsure just how the other felt now I never used to have a sex drive so high as it is now but I'm so sexually attracted to my partner that all I think about is ripping his clothes off 24/7 we have both been in really rubbish relationships before hand and have both had our confidence knocked quite a bit which is partially the problem his longest relationship before getting with me went sour and his ex went round telling people he was rubbish in bed to the point where he started to believe it and now suffers from a very low sex drive I know he's attracted to me because I don't fall asleep till a bit later on then him (usually in the hope we will have sex) because he talks about me in his sleep and please excuse the details but I feel him getting hard it's only when I try to encourage this he shy's away turns onto his front or twists his hips so I can't get to him it's only very rarely he wakes up and that only if I can stay awake long enough to keep persisting when we do have sex it's amazing very romantic and can be over a few hours but the tome inbetween makes it seem not worth it but I have found recently that if I tell him I'm not in the mood (because bless him he does try to make up the lack of sex by keeing my needs satisfied) and if I deny him touching me for at least a week or two it leads to sex every two days but this doesn't last more then a week of this before it's back to once every month or so it is getting better but mainly because I keep persisting in trying to wake him up which is imroving his sex drive more and more it's just when I'm physically too tired to carry this on (because although my mind prefers lack of sleep to lack of sex my body doesnt) we are almost back to square one :( I love him so very much and if I have to do this the rest our lives I will i just wish it would get easier

    Mon 27, Feb 2012 at 2:08pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi everyone,
    I have the same complaint I am with my partner almost 2 years and almost from the beginning we have had sexual problems. The first was with myself as I had trouble with achieving orgasm and now when I can my partner doesn't want me. It hurts his constant rejection makes me feel unattractive and lonely in the relationship.
    I love him dearly and although we get on great as a couple we laugh we carry on he seems to understand me better than my other partner and I know he loves me but he doesn't seem to want to fix this problem. I tell him its killing what we have and that if it was him telling me about something that I could do I would try my best but it doesn't seem to matter. I've tried talking reasonably to him I usually get very upset and he tells me it will get better but it doesn't. I feel I am at the end of my tether.
    Can you help me?

    Wed 29, Feb 2012 at 8:49pm
  • User-anonymous Chelseylane Flag

    Thank god there are other women that feel my pain! I thought it was rare as men are typically meant to be sexual deviants! I have been with my partner for a year and a half, he has never been the type to throw himself on me but we moved in together after 6 months into the relationship and it hasn't been the same since. He NEVER initiates sex and RARELY wants it when I initiate it. It got so bad last year I constantly felt low and insecure and covered myself up completely if he was around, then started looking for attention else where(although I would never cheat on him) I have brought it up hundreds of times, been through all the emotions, but I'm now at the stage when I don't even try anymore as I can't bare to be rejected. I have a very high sex drive but it's now got to the point where we do it once a fortnight. Oh and I'm 5months pregnant, so even when there were times I was going to leave him because of how low I was, now I haven't got an option! I praise him constantly and always tell him he looks good. I am quite attractive (without blowing my own trumpet) I just have given up completely and now feel so trapped beculause I can't bare the thought of dealing with this much longer!! Can anyone help??

    Sun 29, Apr 2012 at 3:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Im so happy to see other women going through same thing as me, my story is hard because im in a long distance relationship. we have known eachother 3 years and have been dating 3 months. before dating and when we were first talking i was in a relationship due to end because he was a bad boyfriend. in my opinion being 18 shaing our virginity lost with my ex sex was good, it got boring after some time because he didnt want to do anything new or spontanous and it was always me doing the work and it got depressing and with other issues i ended it. i been talkin to my bf for 3 years and he knew my story and i knew he was a manwhore, he had been with countless women that all i know it under the 3 digit number and told me all his sex stories and how active he is and loves sex. not including the sex talk he was already a great guy to me but i deff wanted to have sex with him because thats what i wanted, my hormones were crazy and i cant help i want sex all the time i feel like a guy in a womens body. well we finally started to date and one night he had me crazy to have sex wit him doing things to me but i thought it was to soon so we waited well finally we had sex and it felt so good. honostly it was more like a quickie or fuck. well being long distance we only have sex a few times a month. im not gonna lie im so much worse on being sexually depressed with this guy than my ex. im in love with my boyfriend and he is my first love but the sex is horrible. he never wants to have sex and when we do it either feels like he sayin heres my dick do whatever you want to it and just lays there and he has gotten soft in me a few times or its like i just convienent way to please him without him doing the work wit his hand. were both young and still beginning of our relationship, to me we should be wanting sex alot more than what we have. i try to turn him on aand he rejects me and says im always horny yet when he wants it i feel like i need to take the oppurtunity while it last and a couple times when i havent hes just like ok and doesnt want it anymore. he still talks about all these things hes done wit other girls and how many girls es been wit in one day. he knows iv never had an orgasim and says he will give me one but i never see it happening and one day i told him i just gonna try to give myself one because once i can have one i hope it be easier to have one. he got upset sayin i dont know guys at all and im makin him doubt he can, i do though, i know he wants to give me one and i wish so much he would but i doubt him, i wanted to push him and give him a hint but he still hasnt tried like now i do want to just give up on even havin sex wit him or tryin to get him do and purchase a dildo for myself. he says he dont feel like having sex so much because he got it out of his system. im paying the price for it, i dont know what to do, please i need advice

    Wed 9, May 2012 at 7:48pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i'm having sort of the same problem. my boyfriend and i have sex like once a week if even. he's never in the mood and always initiates or controls the situation. I can never do what I want to do, or else he doesnt want to have sex. He always blames it on him working and going to school and never having free time and being tired all the time, which isn't true because he DOES get days and nights off. i am at my ends rope with the sexual relationship and am even thinking about going to therapy for it. Also, he NEVER lets me touch him down there. whenever we do it, it's always him touching me and doing the SAME thing we always do, nothing ever changes. sometimes he even rolls his eyes and says something like "all right lets get it over with". When we first started going out it was great. we were always in the mood and i was in control as well as he was. I just don't know what to do or if anyone has any advice or has had the same problem happen to them and what helped fix it :(

    Mon 30, Jul 2012 at 12:54am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    So Here's the deal, I Love my boyfriend and I am happy with our relationship and where it is headed. But, theres one issue that keeps coming up, OUR SEX LIFE:( I have a high sex drive and He doesnt. I am 21 and he is 29, It seems like he hardly ever wants sex, and he NEVER initiates it, so it makes me feel like im not attractive to him. I mean he calls me beautiful everyday and kisses me and loves on me and I know that he truly cares for me. Its just our sex drives arent compatible. I wanna experiment and try new things and it just seems like he doesnt want to try anything and he is ALWAYS TIRED! I'm tired of initiating sex, I want him to come to me!! My boyfriend has never had sex as a big part in his life and has never been with a girl who has a high sex drive till me of course:) I just want us to be able to meet in the middle but I dont know how to get him to want to have sex more.. What Do I Do? Ive tried talking to him about it and he is comfortable talking about it, he doesnt watch porn he doesnt masterbate, he's just not that into sex. HELP.

    Sat 29, Dec 2012 at 3:43pm
  • Cc Esme Flag

    To the last poster may I suggest that you post this again as a new post? That way way more people will read it and there's more chance that you'll get the answer you need!

    Sun 30, Dec 2012 at 8:22pm
  • User-anonymous jane8505 Flag

    I have the same problem. I've been dating my bf for a year. We have been leaving together for 9 months. Yet, we don't have sex and It's frustrating.

    I have never had any problems with previous partners. Usually guys jump on me as I have big breast. With my current bf everything is opposite and we are falling apart. I love him very much and would like to fix the issue, but don't know how. I feel spiritual love, but unfortunately our sexual life is so far from being normal.

    First, my bf doesn't think we have a problem.
    He did cunnilingus and fingering before. We also had sex but he couldn't cum normally, unless I did a blow job. The last time even blow job didn't help. We have (try) to have sex once per month. When I touch his private parts he says that he is tired or other excuses. I know he doesn't have anyone as he is always at home after work. He is 32 and finds it difficult to have an erection. He does have it at the beginning but once we make love the erection isn't staying long.

    I tried to talk to him about the problem, but apparently it's awkward for him to open up. I offered to watch porn, but he said: "Ew." I know he watches porn and jerks off by himself. It would be okay IF we had a healthy sex life.

    I suggested him to see a doctor for a check up, but he is saying that everything is okay. I can't figure out whether it's physiological or mental problem. He is religious and constantly watches videos about God.
    I asked him if he is gay, asked him if I attract him sexually, offered to go to a therapist, but he doesn't think we have a problem.

    I stopped sleeping with him at the same bed 2 months ago and yesterday we had a fight about it. In the morning I checked his lap top and saw that he was checking out topics related to our problem, which means he has at least realized we have a problem. The first time I checked his lap top I actually thought he is "gay" cuz he won't touch me. Afterwards, I tried to figure out what's on his mind as he won't talk to me about it. I also thought he doesn't enjoy the whole process cuz he never finishes during traditional sex. That's where the gay thing started.

    But now he is not talking to me, keep watching porn and jerk off after. He says he loves me but I can't be with a person who doesn't make love to me. I want to have kids, but in our case it seems impossible. I'm 27 years old and have needs. I assume I'm the one who is doing something wrong because he said he didn't have that kind of problems with a previous gf. I tried to talk to him in a very polite way not to hurt him, but he feels uncomfortable talking about it.

    I simply want to have sexual relationship with my partner. As far as I was unable to get it from my bf I happened to cheat. I haven't cheated ever since I decided to take our relationship seriously.

    The only thing he says: "We will have sex." He has been saying it for 9 months and I have no grounds to rely on it. I don't know what to do. I was thinking about this guy as my future husband. It's been too long to keep it to myself.

    I would appreciate any advise!

    Thu 10, Jan 2013 at 7:18pm
  • Cc Esme Flag

    To the last poster it might be better if you post this again as a new post? That way way more people will read it and there's more chance that you'll get the answer you need!

    Thu 10, Jan 2013 at 7:39pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm so glad to see I'm not the only woman going through this whenever I try to explain my boyfriend not wanting to initiate or basically even have sex with me ever no one ever understands and can't even offer advice :( As glad as I am to see that I'm not alone in this issue I'm also seeing that this forums been going on since 2009 and just browsing through every post or response etc...I'm not seeing anyone that wrote back to tell people if their issue was resolved and what resolved it? If anyone could just right to tell us how they fixed the problem or if were all just lost causes and should move on I love my boyfriend very much and we've been together 2 years but I'm 22 and losing my patience it's been a year now that I've been dealing with this problem and I've tried dressing sexy, porn, having heart to hearts about his problems and still no luck I'm at my widths :(

    Sat 2, Feb 2013 at 7:40am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have been in my relationship way too long suffering with this problem. We have been together for 7 and a half years, and sex with bf was always an issue where either he would come too quickly (within minutes) and wasn't able to get on to second one within the same day/night, ad he was never the one to initiate. He has never been a compassionate type so we have had serious issues with not only sex but with foreplay, compassion, and so on...

    I have tried to talk and resolve any issues, but bf always refused to talk, and he refused to talk about any other issues too, so he was very difficult to approach. I have always been initiating making love, cuddling, kissing, and saying sweet words, showing understanding, but he never ever returned anything, not that I expected it, because I loved him, and accepted him for who he is. But this only resulted in me coming to this day and spending all my time and energy on fruitless relationship. Nothing ever went anywhere, he refused to talk, refused to make plans, refused to show love and compassion, basically refused everything, but he is so comfortable with everything else being as they are. Me being around, him sitting around and that's it. I told him I don't want this relationship, and he was nasty about it and he refuses for it to end. There are so many problems that we have been through all these years and it'll be too long for me to write them but, my main problem in this relationship was all that I have stated above.

    I gave up trying to resolve issues and initiating intimacy and love making 2 years ago, and only had like once each month since until 4 months ago when I finally got tired and fed up and decided I have to take a new direction and stop fighting a lost cause that is making me overly miserable. Having been together for so long is making my separation from him totally bit hard, so I am doing it bit by bit as he refuses to go too. I cannot live in a sexless, loveless relationship like many out there, I tried to understand him, but I can't, so I am giving up. He has been watching porn everyday, day and night, he flirts with other women, all the time, openly, I even gave up caring if he is sleeping with any of them, which he did in the past and denies that he did anyway..

    how can someone keep hold of someone in a relationship, living like this? If you have issues deal with them, and don't drag other to suffer just because you are too scared and proud to face your problem. Be honest with yourself and the other. Bf has blamed me for not having sex, that I don't satisfy him, I asked him what is it that dissatisfies you, tell me so I know, but he cannot give any further answer or explanation than just that. I know how i am, I have a high sex drive and I always loved sex, I have confidence and after years of him failing to perform in sex then turning and blaming it on me, and has no concrete explanation for it..., I think that's just pure nasty. Now, if a man is not honest with himself, and is to scared to face problems, well he should not drag the other person into his misery, but if he is willing to work along with love, honesty and compassion to be happy then be it.

    Sat 2, Feb 2013 at 2:00pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have been feeling really alone in this subject until tonight when I came across this forum (4 years old and going strong, LOL) and read all of your comments about how the man in your life has no interest in sex.

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 months now. He is 23 and I am going to be 26 next month. We both have had sex in our previous relationships, but not with each other. He will do everything but have sex with me...but he definitely is a lot more receptive to me giving him sexual attention than him doing anything to please me. He will not go down on me (I've given him oral a couple times now), He rarely touches my vagina, let alone fingers me. When he does, If I don't get off within 5 minutes he just stops and ends up coming instead....and then immediately goes to sleep or something else. All physical moments are over the second he has an orgasm. He won't play with me if he knows I haven't gotten off yet....he's just done. Says he is too tired. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have orgasmed with him vs. the amount of times he has. He doesn't want to have sex for a multiple of reasons: Religion, a porn addiction, failed relationships where he says he had sex too early, sexual abuse when he was a child, lack of confidence & self esteem....It seems like every week that goes by he has another reason not to have sex yet. I feel like I am being fairly patient considering how high my sex drive is and how often I like to do it. We have had multiple conversations about all of this and as far as not touching my vagina goes, he basically told me he just doesn't like it and that he wants to get me a toy for him to use on me. I don't understand why he has such a huge problem with fingering me or attempting to go down on me....I'm not dirty, I am STD makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. My boyfriend doesn't want to touch me. When he does touch me and do physical things with me (including making out) it only happens about once a week or sometimes once every 2 weeks. He clearly has no problems getting off, he does that with ease. He gets hard easily too. I don't mind if he comes too fast as long as he attempts to get me there before or after...which most of the time he doesn't. He gets this look on his face like he thinks it's a chore and I feel like I'm taking advantage of him. Like many of you ladies, I usually have to initiate everything and most of the time I get rejected. If I ignore him and act like I don't want anything, those are the times he is more inclined to make a move...or it goes the opposite way and nothing physical will happen for multiple days.

    Like many of you mentioned, he will tell me throughout the day that he is horny/turned on and how much he wants me and how hot he thinks I am and sometimes even says he feels closer to wanting to have sex with me...and then when we are together, all of a sudden all of that goes out the window. I feel like they are empty words. He says he is attracted to me. He says he loves my boobs and he proves that he definitely loves my ass, but I need more physical affection. The rest of our relationship for the most part, is great. We are best friends and we can talk about anything and we love spending time together. He sleeps next to me at least once a week. He keeps telling me that he thinks he might be ready to have sex when we reach 3 months together. That is coming up fast and for some reason I don't really believe that it will happen. He says he loves me, but I don't understand why he wouldn't be comfortable making love to me if that is the case.

    He will watch porn and jack off when he is alone, but he rarely sexts me, even when I try to initiate dirty talk. I've sent him dirty pictures in hopes that he will jack off to those instead of the porn that he is trying to stay away from. or at the very least be satisfied enough to not have to look at porn..and he has never sent a dirty picture back to me. Not even when I've asked for one.

    I try all the time to compliment him and tell him how great I think he is, even when he doesn't get me off, I always make sure he knows that I enjoyed the physical attention he gave me. He really should have no reason to feel self conscious because he is more than adequate in every way. I am so attracted to him and I just want to feel closer to him physically. He is the only person I've ever considered waiting this long for sex with. That has to mean something. I want us to work out but I am so afraid that we will never have sex, and even if we do I am afraid it will be a rare thing or something he just does to make me happy, not because he enjoys it too. I don't know if I can be in a long term relationship with so little physical attention. I hope things improve soon in that department.

    Thank you all for making me feel less alone in this situation, and I hope your situations got better or you found someone who made you happy if you chose to move on.

    Tue 16, Apr 2013 at 6:43am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I know sex isn't the most important thing in a couple life but it's a essential ingredient.
    Reading the first story and their comments I can see myself in some women here. I met my bf almost 6 month ago and I can't understand why... Why he isn't interested in sex? . He is a young man, 32, well equipped ;) and in good health. He had, when he was younger, a very but very active sex life... That what he says. I'm a Latin, hunger woman 37 clean and I can consider myself attractive, I can see even in my colleagues or men in the streets they stare at me. I cant denied I love sex and if my partner is like me... My couple life would be the perfect one.. Now I'm getting frustrated, like our friend who said her bf always tells her nice compliments : you are beautifully... The most beautiful in the world. I love how you dressed. I love your boobs, your ass, you are sexy, your wow... So if I'm all that why always I have to initiate sex? Why don't you touch me more? Why don't you have SEX with me every night? He doesn't have any erectile problem... I've seen it! One night I got so desperate I asked him if it was me the problem. He said right away: no my love why do you say that? Because you don't make me love. He told me: sometimes I'm tired and I need to sleep ( yes all the time he is tired). I told him I need sex. He said He was sorry but for him sex is like three times per week. I was shocked because for me that's not enough. I love sex! And today I asked him if he slept with a guy once in his life... He was shocked! I said I'm sorry for asking it was just my curiosity. I even told him: what do you want me to do? To find sex with another guy? ( I know I was tough) he said no.
    I found a temporary solution: I use my dildo not all the time but more often than the penis of my bf.
    I think one of the solution a girl gave here, is to ignore the bf, it could be useful, I m going to put it in practice to see what he is going to do.... But for sure girls, I can understand you perfectly and isn't funny at all because I know and by experience, one day you won't be interested anymore in you partner and love will be over. Try to talk to him and make him understand what you want from him.... Maybe he will react and do a effort and wake up before it is late. Good luck to everyone!

    Wed 10, Jul 2013 at 3:20am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I see a lot of you commenting about a similar problem I have been going through. I'm dating my high school sweetheart, were both 20 now and have been together for 7 years come October. He was my first but he was VERY experienced when that happened, lets just say hes been with at least 10 other girls before me. Within our relationship together we have had a child who is 1 1/2 years old right now and sadly we have lost a child together last October from a misscarriage i had. In the first few years of our relationship we would have sex up to 3-4 times a day! and it was incredible! He is by far the best ive been with, even though he was my first, we have had our break ups and therefore ive been with a total of 4 guys myself. when we decided to get serious he moved in with me at my parents house (we were both 17) then a day before my 18th birthday i found out we were going to have a baby! It didn't change our relationship at all! he had a job and i worked on the prenancy, our sex life was still madly deep and we were so so so soo happy together. We eventually moved out of my parents house and got a place together and the sex was even more amazing! he would tare my clothes off no matter what! id be cooking and he would bend me over, id be sleeping and hed wake me up to have sex, we would go to his parents and have to excuse ourselves to go have sex, i mean it was INSANELY AMAZING!! then almost right after i had my son, everything has went south. he only wanted to have sex, if im lucky, 2-3 times a month. then all the sexually frustration boiled into other arguements to the point of us breaking up last june. We stayed distant, unless we were dropping off or picking up or son from each other for about 3 months. I love him so much that during those few moments of being with him while picking up or dropping my son off id tell him i love him, or he looks sexy, or i miss him, or wink at him, or some kind of gesture to just let him know my life is dirt on the ground he walks on when he is not a part of it. He then would stay awhile after dropping my son off and id usually lay my son down right away since he would always be tired and would have sex and that continued for a few weeks before he came back home to me. Then a few days of him being back i found out i was pregnant again. We were happy and even talked about marriage. Then a month went by and when i was 6 weeks and 2 days into my prenancy i lost my baby. I was devistated. My heart was literally broken and i felt like life was not worth living, i never told anyone that i just couldnt keep myself from thinking it was my fault for losing our baby. After that we didnt talk much about our relationship, id ask him how his day was, he would tell me and we just went about our day and kept to ourselves. Then i tried getting intimate with him and he turned me down, it couldn't have been worse than that moment. My baby couldnt be with me and now my boyfriend didnt want me?!? i was so confused, but as the months went by and no physical action happened at all i came out and asked him what was going on. I felt unwanted, my ego was finer than a peice of hair, i couldnt help thinking he thought i was disgusting. It all started after we had our son....He says he's just isnt into having sex all the time and that he has grown up. I cant help myself from thinking that there are probably 80 year old couples out there having sex RIGHT NOW! you can never be TO OLD for unsure of what to do...i dont like pressuring him because then he says thats all i want from him, when that is NOT the case at all. i just feel worthless and totally heartbroken when he turns me down. he definatly has NO ego problems, and definatly finds himself good looking and he KNOWS he is GREAT in i feel like its my fault somehow that we dont have sex anymore. i know its not because of our miscarriage that we dont have sex, but we do fight constantly which he says makes me unattractive to him for the whole day even if i say the TINIEST "bitchy" remark to him, he says its unattractive to totally weirded out about it since i cant even say the TINIEST thing with an attitude without being cut off for the day and i told him i feel thats unfair and he said thats the way he is and theres nothing i can do to change that...if there is ANYONE out there that could help me out, id really appreciate it. I cant see my life without him but im afraid if we dont figure this out soon we will never work out because it just boils over into other fights...i love him with all my heart and never wanna lose him especially over something as silly as not having sex, i give him bjs and "play" with him all the time! and i see alot of you have suggested to ignore them awhile but i feel ive done that so much that turning him on actually has now turned me on. Why is it so important to me to make him happy that its actually made me horny but he doesnt find making me horny fun or sexy...ive tried convincing him we should see someone for help but he refuses and gets mad so thats outta the at my breaking point, i just dont want to let him go. please help?!? Thank you

    Tue 23, Jul 2013 at 7:09am
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    To the last commenter above, this sounds like a really difficult situation, you really want and fancy this guy and he may be using that to manipulate you and "keep you in line". Would you consider making a new post on this Forum of your issue, you would probably get a lot more useful responses from the site community that way. In the meantime, have you tried talking to your bf, not about sex, but about how rejected and unloved you are feeling? Do think about posting, good luck.

    Fri 26, Jul 2013 at 8:43am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag


    Sun 19, Jan 2014 at 3:18am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag


    Sun 19, Jan 2014 at 3:18am
  • Cn_joe ItsJoE Flag

    I don't know if this really helps, but I found this kinda funny relationship advice video about having a girlfriend and the sex has stopped - (a moderator has removed the link to your website as it contravenes the T&C's of the site). It was more about the girl not wanting to have sex, but a nice distraction while sadly searching around.

    I'm totally sticking with communication and an open mind as the answer to this question. Maybe the dude DOES have some weird fetish that he's not comfortable sharing with you. Maybe he's not attracted to you anymore. I saw someone else commenting about the guy not having a problem when jerking it to porn, then fine, get the porn involved in the whole thing.

    I think there's a real problem when we come to expect too much of someone. Poster, granted this is a really old question, but you say you're feeling guilty about fantasizing about someone else during sex. He's probably doing the same thing to try and keep it hard. Just talk about it and see how it unfolds. And don't be afraid to be like, "well, this isn't working" and move on.

    We try so hard to MAKE things work instead of LETTING them work because we don't want to put the energy into find someone we truly connect with. We'll settle for trying to shove our triangled set of emotions into a round hole, lopping off things we don't necessarily deem as important. I know there are a lot of circles out there, but dammit, just...find your triangle.

    Sat 1, Mar 2014 at 12:09am
  • User-anonymous Shaunsta Flag

    Well I have been with my partner comming on 5 years when we first got together we had sex almost every night our relationship is great and we get along well but the sex has stopped, we haven't had sex for about 6 months, I either have to get myself off , or go behind his back and cheat, I have tried to talk to him about it and it's always too tired, or hard day at work, or too much on his mind, I have thought do many times about leaving but I love him and care but the no sex stresses me out.
    As I am in a gay relationship there isn't much on here about gay relationships, I have tried initiating it myself with him and tomorrow comes up but tomorrow never comes, it's crazy.
    What should I do or what can I do ?
    Totally confused

    Sat 24, May 2014 at 11:58am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ladies, I came across this post maybe I can contribute somehow - there could be a number of reasons your partner isn't initiating or seems disinterested in sex. Sex can be very complicated to some people, a mix of emotions, not all of them good and healthy, for example perhaps your partner suffered some form of abuse as a child, even subtly that has changed their view of sex, their could be a level of guilt, shame and a mix of emotions they are not showing or sharing with you because perhaps even they do not understand.

    The main thing is to not take it personal, not to judge and not become frustrated because this is a sure fire way to make the problem worse. For some people sex is purely physical, a no brainer and mixed with emotion its a great bonding experience, which is of course wonderful and healthy but we are not all built the same.

    I would say to those people who are receiving a satisfying amount of emotional support from their partner then the physical can be attained with patience and care.

    If it is not an emotional problem maybe it is physical like a low libido, low testosterone, prostate problems, first thing is to admit there is something wrong and to try to work on it.

    I have been that guy, scared to initiate because i do not know how I will react, I spent many years avoiding sex, not because I didn't want it but because I was afraid of committing and not being able to follow through, getting shy, sometimes I would lock up, sweat and shake, it's quite traumatic for a guy, makes us feel like crap, so at times its easier to not bother. It was sometimes assumed I wasn't that into sex but nothing could be further from the truth, I was just afraid and as I delved into my history I discovered humiliation and abuse as a child. It's not easy for guys to admit this stuff, there are a great deal of societal pressures for us to be some warrior in the bedroom, some of us are more sensitive and need to be approached at a deeper level.

    Hope this helps, be kind, loving compassionate and gentle, you will attract more bees with honey!!

    Thu 29, May 2014 at 4:35am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My boyfriend and I are just shy of a year together, but haven't been having sex as much as I'd like for a few months now. We have the best time together and truly love eachother, however I feel there's something missing sexually and I don't know what. When we first dated we'd have sex all the time and he'd usually initiate it. My last boyfriend turned out to be a scumbag and it left me feeling very unattractive and useless so I had some issues to deal with when I started seeing my current boyfriend. I feel like I've overcome them and now have no problem initiating. Sometimes when I do this though he turns me down (I.e. This past Sunday we were hanging out by his pool and I asked if he wanted to get frisky and he said he didn't feel well. Then Tuesday we had sex after he initiated, but today while laying around before he had to take a conference call for work I asked if he wanted to fool around and he said "not now"). We still have sex about 2 to 3 times a week, but I want it more. I think if you're in a healthy relationship it should be happening at least once a day. When I feel comfortable with someone I just want to have sex more often. To make matters worse he's moving in a month and it's going to be a long distance relationship so I think it's extra important we get all the physical stuff in we can. He and I have discussed this before and he swears there's no problem. He just says "I'm not 25 anymore. I don't need sex like I used to" (he's 33). The problem is I am 25 and this lack of sex is driving me crazy.

    Fri 13, Jun 2014 at 6:55pm
  • Joepurdy MaryMay_and_Bobby Flag

    To the last poster, have you tried spicing up the ways in which you initiate sex? Maybe you just need to take sex out of the regular context and initiate in different ways to make something "new". Off the top of my head you can use games to get into the mood. Here's a few suggestions as far as couple games that could do the job/couple. I hope it helps.

    ( a moderator has removed the link as it is against the T&C's of the site to advertise)

    Tue 30, Sep 2014 at 6:21pm
  • User-anonymous Nikie H Flag

    I'm so glad I found this post, I have been going through somewhat of the same situation (minus fantasizing about my ex or anyone else for that matter) However It is in transition to being a better/healthier relationship so maybe I can provide some insight. My boyfriend (30) and I (26) have been dating for the past year and 7 months and for the first 3 months the sex was amazing, and ladies I mean amazing! We were smitten, we couldn't keep our hands or eyes off each other, but then KABLAMMY, it happened, while I stayed in this romantic bliss of lust and love, he was just not that into it anymore. He turned me down, often and even for head! I was at a loss, confused, and left feeling unattractive and undesired. I was sexually frustrated almost every night, racking my brain wondering why this amazing man didn't want me anymore. I thought of everything, was it another girl? a porn addiction? Was he still attracted?? Or was he just bored..and i surely didn't keep any of it to myself (mistake!) And after months of fighting/arguing/crying I found that there was so much pressure that he was just simply turned off by it, he also had a confidence issue. He felt like I didn't trust him, and like he wasn't enough for me or at all adoquate. It really started 3 months in, when I found out some things that teporarily changed my opinion of him (he had been a player before me and also texted his ex a flirty sexual text) but I chose to stay but not without saying some really mean things while drunk and upset about the whole ordeal.. Yea.. I did... I called him disgusting.. Among other awful things... I know I'm an idiot.. It was a mistake he made and I shouldn't have been mean but I was hurt and ultimately I let my emotions control me. (Mistake! Duh) throughout this realtionship I stayed the same, but he changed significantly, I began to hate him because I didn't understand how he could have all of me and not want me. My confidence lacked because I felt super unatractive over all of it.. (Just for the record, if there is one haha i am an attractive girl, ive modeled for most of my life, so I struggle with insecuriry as it is) Need I mention a normal glance at another girl drove me insane because I was so sinsative to feeling unwanted, that it only amplified it! I had reached an all time low, and considered leaving the one guy that I've ever loved, trusted anfd wanted a family with... But alas! Where there is darkness there can be light, now if only it would move like the speed of light... Healing is a slow process.. And ladies and gentlemen he needed to heal from feeling like a jerk to the one girl he admired the most, at least that's what he says. He has the impression that i dont like him or think he's a good guy, so im working on displaying a more loving girlfriend whom adores him more so than a sex feind.. Things have improved however I still feel a little frazzled because it was tough on my end as well.. Some days when he doesn't look at me or isn't playful I get a little frustrated especially if it's been a few days between sex.. Call me weird but after you feel unwanted its really hard to ragain. But I have since discovered that with him, confidence is a huge turn on!!! He loves it! I had tried the school girl, lingerie and watching porn together and thought EUREKA! It feels like it used to again, he wants me.. But that eventually wore off, so I thought surely he's bored.. But the real issue was still the confidence in my feelings toward him, when be felt secure and loved, I had him back... And when he felt untrusted and unsure of us.. Welp no sex for me..its going to be one long day! Hah SO now that that's out of the way! On to what I've done! The first step was to realize that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with my looks and EVERYTHING to do with how I make him feel. In the beginning and I mean very beginning before I knew he had so and so lovers and this and that deal.. He felt special, he felt like he was a prince coming to sweep me off my feet and I, the sweet inocent girl that needed him. This ladies must be a turn on.. And as much as he hated himself then, he knew I didn't because I didn't know anything, and when I knew everything he assumed I'd hate him too.. Needless to say BONERKILL! Ugh damn us girls for wanting to know everything.. So now I reassure him everyday with flirty text and sweet words that he really is my price and I love him dearly. Secondly, I must remain the sweet, confident, happy bubbly girl he met a year and 7 months ago and last but not least! We are taking a break from any sex until we are completely natural with sex, not forced or awkward like it is now. I don't want him to feel pressured and I don't want to feel like he's just doing it to make me happy (a chore). So I set and end date but I haven't told him when, to add some excitement and so we can both just be in love with no frustrations on either end and when it happens it will be amazing and loving and natural. So far it's been amazing he has since looked at me the way he used to, we both talk a little differently with each other, like we don't want to mess up! It feels new again! We will never stop working at it! And in the end everyone is different, and I don't know if this will work for you, but I do hope so! Bottom line, there is ALWAYS more to the story! Dig in, get to the bottom and climb back up hand in hand! With love Nikie

    Fri 3, Apr 2015 at 7:11pm