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Move on or keep trying

Posted by: Anonymous
Wed 7, Jun 2017 at 2:59pm
Making a Commitment, Communications in relationships

I first want to say hi to everyone on here. I am new to this forum. Thanks in advance for your comments and advice.

A year ago I decided to move from one end of the country to another. West Coast big city to the deep South (small town) to be with my so. He is military and got restationed. I had told him I wasn't moving until I had more of a commitment from him but then later decided I didn't want a commitment that was forced and figured it would happen soon after the move. Soooo.... I did what any crazy woman in love does and I quit my job, gave up my health insurance, vacation time, left my family and huge network of friends and took a chance on love. We had talked about marriage and he said that's what he wants with me and it's going to happen soon so heyyyy why not right?....A year later I'm not so sure anymore

His new position requires him to travel a lot and be gone for weeks at a time. While he is gone I hardly hear from him. I have asked him if he could try harder to keep in touch with me while he is gone. A text in the morning and a call before bed is bare minimum in my opinion and yet sometimes he can't even manage that. He does have a lot of down time while gone and I feel like he should make more of an effort to stay connected with me. We go round and round on this. It's always "oh let me guess...I didn't call you/text you enough this time?" which then escalates to "What do you want me to do let you know every time I take a sh**" I am not needy however lately in this relationship I feel like I am and can't stand it!
I have sat down many times and explained how I feel about everything in detail. I've tried every approach but I honestly feel like it has done more harm than good and I don't get why we can't seem to come to a mutual understanding on our issues and work towards some form of resolution. Sometimes I wonder if he's just emotionally unavailable and if that'll change over time or is this how it will always be. I really don't know anymore. I understand that he's military and used to moving around but I feel like he forgets that this is the first time in my adult life I've ever been away from home. Not sure how he could forget that or maybe I'm just making excuses idk.
I want badly to find a better way to talk to one another about issues and I want to feel comfortable sharing my concerns and feelings. His reaction towards me when I express how I feel makes me shut down and close off and regret telling him how I feel. If I can't trust him with my feelings and thoughts then how will we ever get anywhere? I'm literally at a loss here. I do not know how to deepen our connection and strengthen our communication.
I have set a personal time limit/goal on getting married and I am prepared to leave if that doesn't happen. I do love him very much however I've realized I cannot maintain a healthy productive relationship with him much longer without a solid commitment from him.
I do want to find a way to make things better between us. I really don't want to just walk away from someone that I truly care about but how much more can I sacrifice and settle for than I already have ?? I've hit my limit

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  • Cc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Thank you for your post, sharing your dilemma over this guy. I'm sorry you haven't had a response sooner than this.
    I notice that you said 'I decided to move....' which left me wondering if this was a joint decision between the two of you? I'm kind of worried that this guy has no 'bought in' to the same deal that you have which may be why he hasn't been able to respond in the way you'd like him to.
    I can tell you think the world of this man. What I'm not so sure about is if he feels the same way or your expectations are based on what you hope will happen rather than what's really there. It sounds a bit one -sided to me. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
    And it's not all your fault that you feel what you call 'needy'. It may not surprise you to hear that it is often the woman who is doing all the feeling while the man stands coolly by apparently unable to 'understand' what his partner is going through! This doesn't mean that your partner is stronger or less dependent than you are. It may mean that he avoids feeling dependent or 'needy' because those feelings are just too uncomfortable!
    Not sure what advice to give after all that but I hope it kind of makes sense to you and you feel you can stand back a bit and take stock of this relationship.
    Let us know what you think.

    Wed 14, Jun 2017 at 10:42am