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Posted by: Anonymous
Sat 25, Oct 2008 at 8:40am
Affairs and Jealousy

right i will start out by saying i have my faults, i am very jealous and insecure! i no i am and i try and stop it but i cant!

i have been with my boyfriend just over a year he is all i want i love him so much.

when we started out he wasnt talking to a friend who is a girl, he had really liked her but she used this to her advantage and basically had him running around after her. when he wised up to it he stopped talking to her, he deleted her number, and blocked her on the internet.

a few months ago she started mgs him and trying to be friends again which he didnt respond to and i was glad, i had told him that coz i new how he had liked her i wasnt comforable with her and him txtin and mgs.

she then sent him a mgs on facebook and convinced him to add her and i was ok with this at first but she started txtin him mgs which seem like to me that was trying to find out if he still like him so i asked him not to message her anymore and he didnt, well as far as i new he didnt.

i then deleted her from his facebook which now seems like a silly thing to do but he had told me i could, and i couldnt stand the idea that she might be after him. i must stress that i trust my boyfriend 100% but there is this little voice nagging away at me.

she then added me on facebook to have ago at me for keep deleting her which i only did once. so i sent a message back saying i didnt do anything that he didnt tell me i could, and asked what made her think it was me that did!!

when my boyfriend got home from work i asked him about it and he said that he had told her that i had done it!! needless to say i felt so stupid! it turned out that he had lied to my face, tellingme he has txt a guy friend of his when it was really her. i new something was up as we had always been very open if my phone went off he would readit and if his did i would but he got very defencive over it. he would still read mine though and now i no why.

after this we had a chat and decided that i would back off and he could be friends with her as i had seen that i had been unresonible, but just asked if he could tall me if he got any txts from her or if he txt her. he promised he would!

about 3 months has passed and he never told that she had txt him so i assumed that it was over and done with. i had wanted so many times to ask if he had heard from her but i didnt want to upset things as everything was going so well! as i said we have a very open realtionship and yesterday i was bored and so i went on his facebook to have a noise at what his friends were up and found a message between him and a mate of his saying that the 3 of them where planning to meet! now my boyfriend had told me he was with this mate but forgot to mention her being there!!! he has now admitted that he has been txtin her as well!

i can understand why he ididnt tell me and has said sorry but i feel like they are laughing at me behind my back! ihe insists that its only been a few messages but he phone bill says differntly!! i have differculty getting reply whenever i txt him on his day off and he says its coz he is busy but there is pages of messages to her!

thing is i no there is nothing going but there is this thought in my head telling me otherwise! i txt him this morning asking him to tell me how much he has been txt her and that i need to no. he didnt reply so i sent another one asking if we can start a fresh, have a grown up conversation were neither of use get stressed or upstress but where i can ask questions and get the answers i need to make a move on.

he then txt me sayin i keep pushing and pushing, and that we will have a grown up conversation when he gets in! i think that means he is gonna end it with me, which i really dont want but then i dont think i can live with no knowing what has been goign on behind my back. i cant seem to just for get. i shouldnt have gone on at him today tho as last night we had a chat and he agreed that he wouldnt meet up with her anymore but i said he has got to be nasy he can still txt her just tell me when he does! but looking at the amount he has been txtin her i dont no if i can just ignor it.

i no he was hiding it coz he nos how i would have reacted but there is a part of me wondering if there is more too it!

  This was of help to 0% of people  


  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Oh dear! It sounds like you've been going round in circles with all this! Have you ever been let down by a boyfriend before? It seems like you're a bit jealous and insecure.
    They may well be just friends, and it can be really difficult to end a friendship because of a relationship.
    I wonder why you think he's going out with you? I'm sure that what the two of you have must be pretty special, because it can really be very difficult to be with someone who checks their facebook and phone bills.
    When you challenge someone so much about a friendship, it's not really a suprise that they lie to you - if he told you the truth about being in contact with her you'd be as upset.
    However if he's 'got form' - has cheated on you, or on his previous girlfriends before, may be it would be better to take a step back, and think whether this relationship is good for you. You seem pretty stressed and anxious about it!
    Big hugs!!!

    Mon 27, Oct 2008 at 2:26pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Some times as blokes we are afraid to be honest about stuff like this cause of a fear of receiving a hard time from a partner. This bottling up scenario only gets worse the bigger and deeper we dig into the lie, till it reaches a point where revealing it will expose a load of lies.
    This may be all innocent, and he may feel cornered by your jealous ways.
    He did however change his behaviour over an open phone access relationship which could point to something else.
    You have to work through your jealous issues and I suggest really back off and make him see a person he wants to see. This will be hard for you as you will have to radically change your behaviour.
    As a couple ethough, you both need to work on your trust and honesty issues, as if not your relationship is doomed.
    Good luck, I wish you well

    Mon 27, Oct 2008 at 3:18pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    texting is the common relationship ender these days. I have a wife and kids and found out that she is texting an old male friend. I dont know if there is history or not or even now as i cant prove anything. she says its just friendship but it never happened previoulsy and it had to have me investigate her when she became standoffish and never leaving her mobile out in the open. I ended up checking her account info and found thousands of texts to him. she said she would stop and hasnt. she has no reasons to give me and i think something else is being hidden.
    I should really tell his fiancee but I feel this will make things worse if nothing actually has been happening. I have warned him off but they are still texting. They secretly speak im sure and the wave but not when im around. They didnt see me seeing them waving to eachother.  So i have to keep mistrusting her until one way or another i get down to the bottom of it. I love my wife too and this has been going on for months. Its really affected my behaiviour towards her as arguments are common and no communication is also common, the relationship now is hanging by a thread.
    Before mobile phones came onto the seen this just wouldnt happen! I hate mobiles and I think texting is one of the most anti social behaviours on the planet.
    so my advice is if you are early in a relationship. END IT. It will just get worse and you will never trust him. You will only be punishing yourself. Believe it or not by ditching him the other party may end up losing interest and then he has no-one and he will be left feeling betrayed. Taste of ones own medicine.
    I totaly know where you are comming from and feel for you.

    Fri 12, Dec 2008 at 1:27am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    How can you guys feel like you 'cant be honest as it will cause arguments'? Dont you realise that by lying and keeping from us is sooooooo much worse! This leads to the biggest type of mistrust you could imagine. If your honest straight up, then you can then work from there. You cant when there is a string of lies following.

    Sat 13, Dec 2008 at 11:50pm
  • User-anonymous nic23 Flag

    I know how you feel here, ive been through this with my boyfriend. I suppose they cant win, if they tell you, you dont like it, if they keep it from you it causes all sorts of arguements! I know exactly how you feel tho when you say its like they're laughin behind your back. Tell your boyfriend if he respected you he wouldnt be hiding anything, it just makes him look suspicious and makes you worry. Tell him you cant help being insecure and the best way to help you is to show you that youre the only one for him and how much he loves you, hiding things doesnt help

    Sun 18, Jan 2009 at 10:17pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Jesus Tapdancing Christ, you need to get a sense of perspective here. Most of us do have friends of the opposite sex who we spend time with. I still go out with one of my ex's for days out, now I wouldn't wine and dine her as that's something me and my girlfriend can do, but we both like going in the moors with the dogs, while  can't stand the outdoors so sits in watching rubbish telly! What's wrong with that? The key thing here is lack of communication and jealous types being overpossesive. He probably keeps going behind your back because he knows you'll overreact, so I'd say the realtionships doomed unless you can curb your jealousy. Finally, I have to say that the standard of spelling and grammar in general on here is like something out of the dark ages.

    Mon 19, Jan 2009 at 3:46pm
  • User-anonymous nic23 Flag

    Lol, typical bloke response! Maybe your girlfriends lucky enough to be able to trust you because you behave yourself! Its not our fault that most of the blokes we've come across cant help themselves. Why are on this site anyway, im guessing you have problems like the rest of us?

    Mon 19, Jan 2009 at 5:44pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Perhaps I feel a hint of guilt behind having to back that up! Hmmm... Who knows!

    Mon 26, Jan 2009 at 11:00pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i think men should not do that. if thy are going out wiv sum 1 wots the point of hangin out wiv sum 1 else they like? they should make up their minds because i am sure they would nt like it if girls would do that to them

    Thu 19, Feb 2009 at 10:50am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Actually read thro ur mail, and can only advice u 2 keep looking inwards bcos we are just but Humanbeings and re bound 2 make mistakes at all forms. but all thesame, everything must have its bounds and limits. And l hope and wish that u can come at one time 2 this point of compromise and may beall will work well.

    Thu 19, Feb 2009 at 5:54pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    my heart goes out to you , my husband was texting my ex best friend and now they are together .
    im heart broken iv lost my soul mate

    Sat 21, Feb 2009 at 1:33am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    you know - if you truly love and respect someone you would never ever do something that you feel you have to hide from them. If you are hiding stuff from your partner then that is a sign that there is somthing wrong with your relationship. A good strong relationship involves 2 people that communicate honestly - you would not stress and worry about keeping things from your loved one if there was nothing to hide - think on this and remember to trust yourself - we have instinct for a reason - to protect ourselves from harm x

    Mon 23, Feb 2009 at 1:13am
  • User-anonymous jkflo Flag

    i know what it is like feeling jealous with my now ex GF i trusted her 100% as she would text and internet chat with lots of her male friends but when she seemed to spend more time doing it and less time talking to me! i got suspicious. checked her messages and found she was fooling around with lots of different men. so when i confronted her she would deny it or blame me and point out my faults!
    so i would be suspicious if he won't tell you what is going on!
    best of luck

    Wed 11, Mar 2009 at 5:14pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    its just pants...i hate facebook and texting there is so much room for your partner to be devious! i have a fifteen mth old baby boy and he still chats women up what is wrong with being content with what you have/. it  is also worse when he drinks he think hes too good for me then says he doesnt remember saying it what a muppet... when you have kids bills to pay obligations its harder to go seperate ways i do love him but i also hate his behaviour. when the trust is gone do you think you can recover or is it best to cut ur losses move on and battle through is it worth taking the chance and maybe be happy again???

    Thu 12, Mar 2009 at 10:20pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    If someone is lying about something stupid, and you find out--what else are they lying about?
    My boyfriend of four years has lied about the big and small. He was one kind of person when I met him--he made it up to make me like him more and now I know the truth.
    Accepting someone alse's lies, thinking they are your fault, is crap. The only thing you can control is your reaction. If you say "lying is a dealbreaker" and they still lie, then it's YOUR fault. No matter how jealous, insecure, whatever, it's cowardly to hide the truth. It's wrong. It's a way of avoiding dealing with reality. Men--take note. Don't lie--you will be uncovered sooner or later and it will be the end if you keep it up. Women--don't be stupid. My boyfriend said he was turning over a new leaf after I caught him in his umpteenth lie. The only thing he changed was he hid his behavior better.
    Trust your instincts--you are the only one you can really trust. If you feel like something's up and you live with your man and are on your way to getting married, go through his shit. I guarantee you'll find enough to make you leave him. Instincts are usually right.
    I say this after years of being made to feel like I was wrong to doubt a liar. That is was MY jealousy that made him do the things he did. BULLCRAP. It was his decision to lie to me. I never lied to him. All his behavior did was make me insecure--no tthe other way around.

    Thu 12, Mar 2009 at 11:30pm
  • User-anonymous nic23 Flag

    Just had to say it's amazing how many people on here feel exactly the way I do, my boyfriend knows my password to my facebook and everything because I know he won't find anything I shouldn't be doin, yet he totally blocked me from his site so I didn't know he was even on it. When confronted he says he knew I wouldnt like him bein on, but if he was as open an honest as Ive been to him I wouldnt even need to look at it. Like everyone's said, if theres nothing to hide, why hide it? I'm not saying that something dodgy is going on, sometimes I wonder if men just HAVE to have some sort of secret, something they can have all by themselves. I dunno, does my head in!! lol

    Wed 1, Apr 2009 at 7:20pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    be very careful. i used to have a friend who hated the fact i was txting this guy i met through her bearing in mind that she has a boyfriend. she hittnhe roof when she found out we were togetherand boy did she give us trouble. my partner blocked her and she tries to talk to us but we ignore her. so keep blocking her and maybe she'll get the message.

    Sat 4, Apr 2009 at 8:55pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Personally I think if he really loved you he would leave her alone. I would never let anyone come between my relationship. The fact that he lied and hid things says something is going on. Did he ever invite you to come with them? No sweetheart this doesn't sound good to me. Sounds like shes the other woman.

    Sun 19, Apr 2009 at 4:10pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Well Wot can i say! i have been married to my husband for nearly 4 years and together for 8. He has broken my heart. last july i realised his behaviour started to change he said he was working late out watching football with friends, i got suspicious and checked his phone bill! low and behold a number he was texting 24/7 even whilst he lay next to me in bed. I was that hurt and angry i vomited.
    I saved the number and confronted him, he got angry and said he would not admit anything until i told him how i knew. I called her to confront her about it, i bearly got the opportunity as he smashed the phone telling me to never call her again.
    After this he told me she was a friend he met her on a night out! so a married man just takes random women's numbers whilst he is out? how unbelieveable imagine if this was the other way arround........!
    His story explained that he had known her for a week and only spoke to her by text she had become a good friend to him and he spoke  of her highly. (this was so hurtful for my husband to defend a woman he has known 5mins, and hold her in higher esteem than he did me!)
    Iasked him so many times why and not to continue, he promised and promised he would stop
    The contact between them both continued.........................................................!!!
    I then confronted him about the places he had taken her! as i had bills as evidence. he got very angary pushed me over and left..............................he returned after a week of sending me texts asking me if he could come and collect some of his things.
    After this we agreed we would attend councelling to address our problems, we  attended for several months and decided on a fresh start!
    At this point i tried my best to block out the pain and focus on us!
    Things seemed to get better we have made plans for the future and wen we plan to have children also but , as always its all to good to be true this week i had his phone and he has called her 5 times over 3day although he never got through to her, its not the point he wants contact with her for some reason i feel so betrayed all over again.
    I have not to told him i have seen these calls, but cant understand why he is talking about baby names with me and trying to call her!
    I feel so worthless and like  an idiot!
    Every time he talks to a woman now i feel over come with jealousy i dont understand in our councelling sessions he said he could not believe how much he had hurt me and how he had no intent......yet this action he has now taken would seem intentional.
    Ihave looked back over our relationship and see that this has happened on and off over the years text, phone calls, emails, meetings that i have passed off as inocent.
    I have been so stupid ...................why someone please tell me why !
    I really love this man, why am i not enough for him?
    I really dont know wot to do next, because in my head he has no respect for me at all.
    Also dont know if this happens to anyone else but he is affectionate  to me in the house but wen we are out just together or with others he is not he walks off infront of me!

    Sun 26, Apr 2009 at 6:41pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi,This is to all women,
    I am sorry to say most men are pigs or dogs,most of them are hiding something from their partner,it just takes a lot of time to find out,now when a woman and a man are sexually involved,both parties bares their souls,and together they become one, this is the way God made it.
    If something is wrong,either of the two feels it,even if you are lying on a bed together,you feel uncomfortable, that's why God gave us instinct,we are the first to know when things are not right,it is not a form of jealosy,it's a natural ability to know your mate.
    Ladies be kind to yourselves and trust your instinct, believe me you are the first to know, and I am sure if you go digging you will find something, everybody has a sixth sense, it's just that we don't practice it, trust what the thing in your head is telling you, providing that you are not a Psycho.
    I like helping women, it's just that most of us are quick to think with our hearts,and not our heads,and men all of you have two heads and only one of your head has brains,unfortunately you all choose to let the one without the brain rule your lives,SAD ISN"T IT.
    West Indies.

    Fri 29, May 2009 at 3:51pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    To West Indies. If you think all men are pigs or dogs then aren't you condemming all women to a life of misery? Women aint that perfect either

    Wed 26, Aug 2009 at 7:29am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I can relate to many points brought up here.  I may be quite insecure person, but I am honest and genuinely believe honesty is the best policy in most cases. I understand the odd occasion a white lie is needed, but this i feel should be very rare.
    I have recently been snooping on my on/off boyfriend as i know his hotmail password.  Now I have got myself into a bit of a mess.
    We are talking about getting back together. from reading his hotmail i know he has recently slept with someone else. i confronted him about this and he said all he did was kiss and sleep in the same room with her.  Now to be totally honest even if that is all he did it still feels like it would have been intimate and a betrayal.  I'm pretty sure from seeing what she ahs put this wasn't all that went on. But he won't admit it.
    Before me and him get even more involved - do I admit what I have been doing, what I have read and ask for a clean slate and risk him not wanting me anymore (may be a blessing in disguise) or do I find the strength from somewhere to learn to trust him and no longer check his emails.  I am uncertain I have the strength in me to do this and feel so guilty. But is it wrong to tell him to ease my own guilt for doing so?
    It isn't the first time i have done something like this (i have found things a lot of times I have which is I guess where the temptation to keep doing this comes from and my lack of trust with him)
    If he was wanting to make a go of things should I confess, he confess and we agree to forgive and forget and try and start afresf? Can this be done? Can trust be rebuilt if that is both what both partners have really realised they want. Or has too much damage been done?

    Tue 13, Oct 2009 at 11:20am
  • User-anonymous Copyright Flag

    wow it sounds like a lot of people got different issues going on.  Its great to read some of you.
    Where do I even begin.. My fiance and I just recently got engaged 3 month ago.  Been together for almost 5 years.  And we are going to get marry in 13 month from now.  I've always putted my trust in my fiance when he was my boyfriend.  But I just don't understand the hidden white lies or lies he has to keep myself my back.  For example.  I just recently found out 2 month ago that he was still emailing to his ex-girlfriend that he dated for 5 years and almost got engaged.  he told me in the past that he doesn't like her and doesn't want to have anything to deal with her.  Why all of sudden he goes and email her a "happy birthday" .  Why couldn't he tell me? Instead of hidding it.  he told me all it was an email saying "happy belated birthday" to me  I feel like he still miss her or remember her? I don't know? When someone can tell me.. something I assume there's something more behind that close door. He said he was just emailing her to be nice.  Why would you email someone just to be nice if that person even in your life anymore? I feel like since t hen I can't trust him.  I don't want to get hurt.. knowing that I am about to marry this man soon and he still think about his ex from time to time.. I keep on thinking to myself.. maybe he doesn't love me enough or maybe I am not good enough for him.  Or is he not happy with us?HELP! I really want to get over this and forgive and forget but right now I can't and its been months.  I really want to be a better person to put this all behind me.  Before.. it can damage our relationship. Because from time to time when we have an arguement I think of that and I usually bring it up..

    Sun 6, Dec 2009 at 4:57am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Why dont you talk your concerns over with your partner,?Ask him why he didnt tell you he had e-mailed his ex,maybe it was just to wish her happy birthday,but the thing is to communicate.He was with his ex for a while you dont just forget your past relationships but it doesent mean he wants anything to do with her in that way.If you cant talk it through and come to a conclusion or he maybe was a bit nieve e-mailing her without telling you,but its only a happy birthday e-mail,if you cant forgive him or his explanation doesent satisfy you,you will have to move on..But remember will you be like this with your next partner?? if you love the guy work it out if you can to many so called friends seem only happy when relationships break down as long as its not theres

    Thu 24, Dec 2009 at 3:05pm
  • User-anonymous JCP18 Flag

    I'm really interested in talking to young people about their thoughts on infidelity, sexting, and social networking sites like facebook.

    Wed 3, Mar 2010 at 12:24pm