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Is this the end

Posted by: Anonymous
Fri 10, Mar 2017 at 8:14am
Money, Work, Finding Time for Each Other, Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner, Communications in relationships

I'm after some advice please. My partner and I have a 4 year old and a 14 month old. Our relationship has really suffered since the children arrived. He feels very lonely and as a consequence has turned to bad behaviours, Drugs, Drink and lies.

I know he is a better person than this, but his personality has changed and so has his perceptions. He is going to see Addaction so I know he wants to change but the problem is he actually enjoys getting high, and if I piss him off he turned to that. Its like walking on egg shells.

Its caused us to suffer financially. He's been spending more than he earns as due to me being on maternity we have had to take out an extension on our mortgage to cover it. But he's still drawing out money from the cash machine, for example £10 here and £20 there and from different cash machines 10 minutes apart as if I wouldn't notice, in a few days £120 is missing and he says he spent it on "general shit".

I know I haven't been able to give him the attention he needs, but my attention is used up on both children, I have been back to work 3 weeks now and I work for BA as cabin crew so this means I am away over night. Until 3 weeks ago I was up at least 3 times a night feeding my little girl who I breastfeed. I hadn't slept a full night in 14 months. But he survived on less and less sleep due to being high, and turned into a monster.

He is now doing the childcare at home at night and we have a childminder and nursery, he's now feeling the pressure of looking after 2 children. He thinks I am spoilt because I get to go away and don't have to work all day then come home and look after the children, when I finish a long flight I can go to my hotel room and sleep. This is true, however I am still feeding my little girl so express regularly, but do get to have a little time to myself.

I feel he's making me feel guilty about it. He's been very nasty and hurtful over the past few years, his latest comment being that the kids don't need me and he did fine without me being around. This has had a very negative result for me, I feel like I don't want to work things out with him, why would I when he is so horrible, and I feel I may be better off with out him.

I feel I have become a person I do not like when I try and fight back, my patients have run so thin that I could walk away from him and our 12 year relationship. Surely there is a better life for me one where I am not a victim of emotional abuse? Any advice is welcomed.

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  • Cc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Well done for getting this all 'out there'. I hope it has helped, at least a bit, to put it into words. From your description, you seem to be leading a very difficult and stressful life which, I would suggest, is likely to cause some sort of melt down sooner or later, i.e., I'm concerned about how this might be impacting your health and your children's welfare as well. Thankfully, you do have some periods of respite when you can restore yourself a bit. It sounds like your partner does not allow himself this but escapes into intoxication instead.
    From what you say, it sounds as if he feels a lot of anger and for some reason is using you as a target for this. What would he say if you asked him 'How do you feel about me? What you are describing is certainly abusive.
    It's therefore good to see that you are thinking clearly enough to know that you deserve better than this. Does your partner know that you are thinking of separating?
    Think carefully about how you go about this and plan to have somewhere safe to go.
    You might also want to look at our 'sister site' - - which provides information and advice to parents who are separating.

    Sat 18, Mar 2017 at 4:56pm