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I feel like I'm on the brink of a life changing decision

Posted by: Anonymous
Thu 16, Feb 2017 at 3:13pm
Making a Commitment

Hello all,

Thank you in advance to anyone who responds.

Last August I met a Turkish girl on tinder. She is four years younger than me. She is here in the US on a temporary visa. We chatted for a couple weeks before getting together. Our first date was awesome. She was sooooo cute and I was very much attracted. The second date we came back to my place and ended up having sex and it was awesome but I regret it now. She basically told me that she was looking for a way to stay in the US permanently, and I saw that as a big red flag but that was a far away issue and she charmed me into going on another date with her. We went to a music fest and had a great time.

By the fifth time we hung out I was starting to develop feelings for her. We eventually fell in love and things were magical - like all cloud 9 and . her visa got extended another year and I thought it would be enough time to figure things out, but I know I cannot and will not get married when she has to leave. Right now I don't have a career/job (I'm in school) and I've expressed to her that it's a terrible, rash, decision and that if we're meant to be together it will happen somehow.

She doesn't see it that way. She has just been hoping and praying that I'm going to marry her when her time is up. She really does not want to go back to Turkey. I can understand that. I also know that she really does love me. Some of you might be shaking your heads, but, I'm not a dumb person. I can tell when someone really loves me and when they're just using me. And I love her too. It's complicated. But through all of this I've began to see the less beautiful side of her personality and she has seen mine. I'm beginning to see she's a tad manipulative.

I'm just wondering on how to move forward. We have another year to think about things, but I am in grad school and super busy all of the time so I can't devote all my energy towards this. She doesn't want to go back to Turkey and I get that. It's a little dangerous to live there right now and the quality of life isn't as good, but I'm not just gonna marry someone when I'm not ready just because of that! I would just like a little advice on how to move forward with this. I love her but I can't let that love make me do something that will change my life forever when I'm not ready. If it's meant to happen in the end it will. Agree or disagree?

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  • Cc admin Flag

    Well... that really is a tough decision, with some huge factors at play. I certainly can't see an easy answer, but I think you're being incredibly level-headed and mature in accepting that you're not ready to marry this person - particularly when there are alarm bells ringing about manipulative behaviour.

    Have you sought legal advice about other options? Are there any work or study schemes available that might allow her to stay longer? I realise that the situation is particularly volatile at the moment, but it's worth exploring as many options as possible.

    As you say, you've got another year to think about things. What are your instincts telling you at the moment?

    Wed 22, Feb 2017 at 11:14am