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He says he loves me but is not in love with me

Posted by: Anonymous
Sun 5, Apr 2009 at 1:04pm
Becoming a Parent, Affairs and Jealousy, Getting on Better with my Partner

Hi I have never done this before but I am desperate to get help. My husband and i have been married 5 years and together for 9. We have 2 children on 12 and 2.
Six weeks ago my husband said he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore it blew my head off and I thought we were the strongest couple ever.

At first I thought it was another woman but he has swore blind that it is not he just said he does not know why he feels like this he has since moved in with his mum but now says he wants a flat so he can get his head together on his own and be able to see his children more often without anybody there.

I really am confused and I don't know what to do one part of me says he has another woman and the other part says he would not do that after he swore on his kids lives.

Could anybody please give me advice as I feel like I am cracking up I cant eat or sleep with worry. I really don't want to loose him as I love him so much.

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  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    I feel for you so much, I understand how your feeling because I have been where you are now.
    Unfortuntely you have to play the waiting game, you have no choice.  Worrying about who he may or may not be sleeping with is not doing you any good.  He said that there was no-one else involved and maybe hes right, just go with that and deal with the other possibility when you have concrete evidence of an affair.
    Do you still see or talk to him on a regular basis?  How is he with you when you do talk?  If another woman isnt the reason what do you think could have triggered this in him, is work pressure building up etc etc?
    Your main concern is your children right now, you have to be strong for them and focus on how they are feeling, it must be upsetting for your 12 year old and also your 2 year old will be picking up on how you feel too.  Start to look after yourself, paint a smile on your face even though you want to ball your eyes out.  Show him and the outside world that its not all about him.  Show him that life does go on without him and maybe he might start to question why he left.
    I wish you the strength and the courage to keep going.  Good luck looby xx

    Sun 5, Apr 2009 at 1:24pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I understand the cracking with hope and desire for a different outcome than the one he is presenting.  Confusion will clear....but not right this moment.  YOur emotions and thoughts that start them will prevail sometimes....its ok....the thinking makes the emotions feel.  Look for concrete evidence if you want to but do it carefully...when someone gives you a different set of rules to deal with it takes a moment to recover....I don't think there is a easy way to say you are not sure about a marriage anymore...I am so sorry for your suffering.  You can't loose someone who loves don't have to WOrk on a relationship you just have one.  Are you going to check email and phone text? 

    Sun 5, Apr 2009 at 9:22pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I have decided i am not going to check anything email, phone etc as i can't be bothered anymore. I am just going to trust him for now until I have any evidence that there is another woman and deep down i know there isnt.
    Funny enough it's been six weeks now since he left and this week I feel really good about myself i am a good looking woman so i have been told and if he does not want me then someone else will when I am ready it will be his loss.
    I love him so much at the moment but I am so angry with him for treating me this way and I think my mind is kicking in more now than my heart.
    I have stopped calling him now and texting him and i am just going to wait for him to do the calling or texting and maybe is i leave him alone he will realise what he is going to loose.
    He was very quiet when we talk won't look at me and his eyes seem empty and he stares into space I have also asked him why he feels like this and he says he does not know just that he thinks he is not in love with me anymore.
    I am just hoping one day he will do the chasing again like he did when we first met and maybe he will then come home if i still want him too.

    Tue 7, Apr 2009 at 7:21pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    That good your slowly moving on glad 2 hear there might alwayz b a place 4 him in your heart but time heals, tell him that last chance you cant wait around for him for ever you need someone with you that cares about you.. sometimes people just need time to think and clear there heads, but make sure that you give him a chance before you move on forgood, he might still come home, dnt keep your hopes up, this means that if fit doesnt happen you dont get hurt more but you have more to gain if he does come back home.. you cant wait 4eva maybe say hes got a week or so to deside and make a desision, if not you can alwayz move on if its now or next year when your ready for a relationship again
    hope i helped you

    Wed 8, Apr 2009 at 2:16am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm kinda going through the same thing with my gf. She broke up with someone but has been in love with me for almost a year, and this year we got together after she'd made her mind about the other guy. Things were going great, and then she said she needed to sort her head out and for me to bare with her and give her time.
    I was paranoid at first thinking one of her many male friends was trying to move in and totaly confusing her, but i trust her and have known her long enough to know what she is like. And trust is something we both have in another. If you have that trust and nothing has happend that would make you question that fact, then what is there to worry about? Just hang in there and give it a little time.
    My gf now seems to be coming round and has mentioned she can't wait to see me, this is a good sign as she tells me she loves me daily. Which is always good.
    Things will work out for the best, if you know it deep down then believe it! Like someone said, sometimes people just need to get there head on straight after whatever has happend :)

    Wed 29, Apr 2009 at 6:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Just read this trying to glean some advice for myself.  My son's dad has moved on much to my heartache and despair.  I tell myself that if I live to be a ripe old age I'd regret wasting my youth pining behind a man so that kind of helps in my weaker moments.  Also, I try to fashion strength and self-confidence for my children since as we all know children learn by example.  It's a very painful thing to experience and 'be strong' is much easier to say than to do.  Even if you begin to feel better you will still have your weak moments when you're tempted to make contact either to seek closure, understanding or maybe just to tell him off.... all this is understandable but if you experience such times just remember that you are worth the best.... those late night calls and angry emails/txt messages are almost always regretted.  He's changed his mind - it's painful to accept but that's pretty much what it amounts to - be strong.   It would be wonderful if he straightens himself out and you guys can get back together but don't sell yourself short waiting for it... do the best you can for you and your children - maybe the pain you are going through now is teaching you lessons to prepare yourself for something greater to come.  Don't forget to take care of yourself.... whenever he sees you he should be seeing what a hot number he let go.  Good luck to you.....

    Wed 6, May 2009 at 7:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am going through the same with my BF for 8months, at first he was head over heels, but due to my work commitments he distance himself and one day break the news to me.He said he loves me but not inlove with me. He said that he can no longer see the woman he fell in love.
    I resigned from my job to save the relationship but he still treating me differently. I don't want to loose him for I love hime very much.
    He said there's no one else, that we only need to re-start our relationship.
    Will appreciate some thoughts regarding my situation

    Mon 25, Apr 2011 at 12:40pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My situation is kind of like yours.... Me and my bf have been together for 6 months. I was crazy about him from the moment that we met, and I know that he had very strong feelings for me as well. After about 3 months he said "I love you". Then for some reason the past month things just started getting weird. I caught on to these vibes....and one day I did something I should not have....I checked his phone. Sure enough one of his female friends was coordinating a lunch between him and a girl that he dated before me. He was not going to tell me about this lunch- but I found out clearly. I was SO hurt at first... why would he want to talk to her?!?! Was I not good enough? Apparently the point of the lunch was to clear the air. She had just stopped talking to him- and she felt the need to appoligize. But, why would he even want this appoligy? Then a week later he told me he loved me but was not in love with me. This drove a knife through my heart. Does he want someone else? I didn't understand. I had not been in the best of moods the past month- but I never did anything to desirve that. We are still together- thaking things slow and seeing where it goes. But I am so sad and hurt that he does not feel for me the way I feel for him. I love him so much. I just dont understand why he doesnt feel the same. My heart is broken. Am I wasteing my time with him? What should I do? I want to feel loved.

    Wed 4, May 2011 at 1:33pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    What is up with that "I love you but not in love with you...". My ex had everything, a house, a family, no debts and a bloody job FIFO, fly in fly out. We been at this for a few years now and being the good wife not getting in the way of a career I have supported him every step of the way. He came home one day from work and said that line. What a cop out, have the guts to move on, instead he was around for our kids 8 & 6 and has been miserable since. If this was the right decision for him he would have moved on. I think they get confused and come up with an answer that is right in their head and I know my has over thought it. He is prepared to give it all up and have nothing and work still for nothing as he has 2 kids to support. I am not waiting around for him to make up his mind so I am doing as you have done, moving on. Why dont they open up if they unhappy. I know that is what mine said to me once upon a time and failed to do so himself.   Now he is a misery

    Fri 19, Aug 2011 at 2:20pm