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Engaged and in trouble

Posted by: Anonymous
Sun 5, Mar 2017 at 3:27pm
Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner, Sex and Affairs
Sex problems,engaged,help


I recently (~5 months ago) got engaged to my boyfriend of 5+ years. It was so perfect and wonderful and we were looking forward to our life together! About 2 weeks ago, after yet another failed attempt to have sex, we started talking about it and he admitted being unsure if we should get married. Our sex life started GREAT and remained that way for the first 3.5ish years (we've been living together for about 4.5 years) but this past year, it's been infrequent (1-2 times per month) and whenever we try, he rarely finishes. He gets and stays hard, says he's attracted to me, it just "isn't going to happen" or "doesn't feel good". It's hard to hear that, I feel like a failure. I've gone to the doctor, meditated, tried introducing toys (he's been resistant), lube, different positions. He doesn't get off when I give him oral either, never has. Says I'm not good at it.

Our marriage is on the line and I don't know what else to do. I want to marry him, more than anything, but this one aspect, albeit critical, seems to be the only issue we have. He seems to be equating our sex life with love. Questioning if he's in love with me and if this is a good choice to get married. He's said we can't get married if we can't have sex. Maybe he's right, but it was once a good sex life, now it's not and we got engaged with it not being at its best. I guess I don't know what changed to go from good to not good.

Help. What do I do?

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  • Cc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Hi, well done for sharing what's happening between you and your partner. Reaching out is the first step to finding a way through this for both of you, but is not an easy one to take, as I'm sure you've realised.
    As your sexual relationship used to be good, it sounds more like an emotional cause for this problem than a physical one but a physical check up might still be a good idea. Do you think your partner would be open to this?At the same time, how do you feel about looking for help in the form of counselling, either individually or as a couple?
    Do think seriously about getting help. This isn't an issue to struggle on with on your own.

    Sat 11, Mar 2017 at 5:48pm