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Confused...please HELP!!!

Posted by: Anonymous
Tue 16, May 2017 at 1:28am
Making a Commitment, Communications in relationships

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I have three children and he has one. I was married and divorced twice, and he was married once, engaged once and in a long term relationship once.
We moved in together a year after being together.
We both know that this is it for us, we finally found our happiness with each other. And we are happy. Little disagreements here and there but nothing more you're everyday BS.
Here's my issue:
My dad gave me my grandmother's engagement ring and wedding band and I had diamonds from my mother's mother, which were given to her by my grandfather on their 2nd anniversary. My bf and I had a ring made (in April 2016) out of these jewels. I gave it to him and said "When you're ready, you give it to me."
I still haven't gotten it. He believes marriage is a jinx. He's happy the way things are and doesn't want it to change. I told him that I don't want a legal marriage (been there - done that twice!). I'd like to have a commitment ceremony, saying our vows to each other in the presence of a few good friends and family members. I'd like to legally change my last name to his, too (I hate my last name). I want to be his "wife", and for him to be my "husband".
He agreed that a ceremony like that would be nice.
This ring is so much more than "an engagement" symbolizes the love and adoration that my two sets of grandparents had for each other; the kind of love and adoration I have for my bf! To me, giving me the ring says "I love you. I adore you. I am committed to you. I want to call you my wife and give you my name."

Two birthdays and mother's days have gone by...and all of the holidays, anniversary's and family vacations in between.
Every time I think it's going to happen, I get disappointed worse than the time before.

I haven't spoken to him about it in about five months, because I don't want him to feel pressured. That's the last train I'd want him to do it. I just hurt silently...but I feel that it's taking a toll on the relationship.
I feel like I'm pulling away because of this.
I feel like we're not as connected as we used to be.

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  • User-anonymous Patrice Flag

    I am sorry to hear you have been going through this disappointing situation. If I understand correctly, you have had a ring made, your bf accepted this ring, as in he took it into his possession. Afterwards, at some point, even though you do not want a legal marriage, he had decided against this. But he still has the ring, because you keep hoping that he will propose?

    I think your bf behaviour shows very little regard for your feelings. If he really didn't want to get symbolically married, he should have taken your hands into his, looked you deep in the eyes and professed his deep love for you, but explain his reasons why he has decided against proposing. He should have given you back the ring, which was constructed from jewellery from your family and is therefore your possession, and apologised for putting you through this disappointment.

    I don't know the situation, but to me is seems like he is happy with the current state of affairs and really doesn't care very much if you keep feeling disappointed. It's not like he's been mulling this over for a couple of months, but 2 years! That is two thirds of your relationship. And you don't want to pressure him, so don't bring it up, and he doesn't either, leaving you feeling less than jolly (and for good reason).

    You sound like a nice and caring person, so I think you deserve better! Someone who gives you the same consideration, that you give to others.

    Wed 24, May 2017 at 10:27am