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A drastic change in relationship. I need help.

Posted by: Anonymous
Mon 12, Jun 2017 at 2:02pm
Finding Time for Each Other, Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner, Sex and Affairs

First thing first, my boyfriend and I met online and have been together for about a year and a half. We lived close but it was still a moderate distance away. Before we "physically" got together we were talking for quite a while online, getting to know one another. And he always talked about sex, love, and just overall physical attraction and he always gushed about how much he loved me, saying he can't wait to be with me. We talked about what we liked and didn't like in relationships, I stated that I didn't particularly like porn and said it just wasn't for me, he mentioned that he was (very frequent) porn watcher but out of respect he made a personal choice to stop it. I didn't ask him, it was something he wanted to do. Months had gone by and often times porn would pop up and he'd just assure that he wasn't that person anymore. Weeks had past and we met in person, and "officially" started our relationship. When we first had sex... there was a problem with him "keeping it up", he said he had to confess he had kept watching porn and he felt his problem was down to that. I was upset more than anything that he would lie about it, but I just let it go. For a few weeks we were ok. But now that we see each other regularly, and have been together for over a year, his sex drive has just plummeted. We go weeks and nearly into months at a time without doing anything, aside from sex he's not very romantic anymore so I just get nothing? He rarely tells me he loves me without me saying it first, he's not affectionate. And whenever I bring it up he always says I put pressure on him, his excuse is that he's tired. A week or so ago, he told me that I force him into doing it and that hurt me because it's like he doesn't want to have sex anymore but has to? I'm at a complete loss because when I bring it up he gets defensive and thinks I'm nagging. I just thought for someone who constantly watched(/es?) porn and spoke about sex he'd have a higher craving for it. He's admitted he always thinks of sex but if that's the case, why am I so left out of it? I need help because it's just not gonna change.

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  • Cc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    It sounds like your BF has a sexual problem that may be nothing to do with you. It's very sad after you clearly had such hopes for your relationship together.
    There is some research that suggests that watching porn can have a negative effect on real-life intimate relationships. If you want to stay with this guy, you might want him to acknowledge that he has a problem and that he is prepared to get some help with it.

    Wed 14, Jun 2017 at 11:14am
  • User-anonymous Lucy08 Flag

    I completely understand what you are saying. I have recently discovered that my boyfriend of nearly 4 years has a sex addiction or cybersex addiction as it is online. We didn't have sex for 6 months once and he made me feel ugly,fat and unwanted. I thought it was me, that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. But because of his online sex addiction he was already fulfilling his sex needs, he was too ashamed to tell me and decided to blame it on me instead. You and your boyfriend need to sit down and chat and just be honest, he needs to realize that he has a problem and i do recommend that he visits a counselor as he may be too embarrassed to talk about it you. Your not alone i promise.

    Wed 14, Jun 2017 at 11:50am
  • 17155723_1276060565776625_4168236093605263369_n Jarzebkowska_Iga Flag

    I agree with jaybee
    It is confirmed that watching too much porn influences your real life in a negative way. He might not even know any more how to start an intercourse, because it is so easy with porn - you just search for the one you like on your laptop, 5-10 min and you're done.
    This is really sad and has nothing to do with you. He needs help but there's no way you could push him to do so. All that you can do is being asertive about it and tell him how do you really feel.
    He needs to feel like he wants change

    Wed 28, Jun 2017 at 9:18pm
  • User-anonymous robbiejacobs Flag

    Definitely sounds like your bf is fulfilling his sexual needs through porn and real life sex doesn't really turn him on. I've watched a fair bit of porn in my time but it's never really affected me that way (i.e. it never puts me off wanting the real thing). Take it from me as an honest bloke who has watched enough of it in my time - porn is really shit and it just warps people's minds. You have images of sex going through your mind all the time that it just makes you want to look at it again. If you could get rid of porn men would be much better lovers. I'm porn free now and life is definitely better.

    Mon 10, Jul 2017 at 8:32pm
  • User-anonymous Original Poster Flag

    Thanks to everyone who has commented. I'm starting to think maybe you are all right, and I'm trying to see he's gotten better instead of seeing it for what it is. Before, I've had doubts that maybe he's fulfilling his sex needs via porn but lately he spends an awfully long time locked in the bathroom when he needs to go to the loo, often times he's 50 to 55 minutes, and though I've questioned myself could he be watching porn, but recently he's recently got a new phone and he's said he doesn't wanna have any porn history on it at all. But today I was cleaning out the bathroom and hidden underneath all the towels (at the very bottom) was his old phone. Why would he hide his phone in the bathroom? I messaged him and told him where I found it and he said it was due to downloading music... because for some reason his new phone doesn't have that app (even though his old phone is Samsung S7 and his new one is the S7 edge?). My head is a mess and I don't know what to think but am I being paranoid? Am I looking for excuses?

    Tue 11, Jul 2017 at 2:18pm
  • User-anonymous robbiejacobs Flag

    Hi, he is definitely watching porn! Seriously, why else would he lock himself in the toilet for that long. It's the kind of thing that I used to do in my porn watching days. It really sounds like he's addicted. I had the battle of my life to get off porn. Not that many people seem to realise that porn can be highly addictive for some people. I stumbled across a porno mag when I was about 11 and it really conditioned they way that I thought about sex. When you masturbate to porn you get a big dopamine rush and you can get addicted to this. I guarantee you when your bf is 'locked in the toilet' he's scrolling through loads of images and videos - that's why it takes so long. When you're an addict you lie to yourself saying you've not really got a problem and what's the matter with looking at women having sex - it's perfectly natural. But that's bollocks. Porn eventually corrupts the mind and there is so much material out there that is basically abuse of women - there's just nothing positive about it. Some blokes can go the way of your boyfriend where they would rather stare at a screen watching other women being shagged than spending time with and making love to their own partner. And/or they eventually get pissed off with their partners because they won't do all the sex acts that they see in porn films. You are definitely not being paranoid. Why don't you ask him if he still watches porn and see what his reaction is? There is help out there but he would have to want to help himself. He might not even think that he's got a problem.

    Tue 11, Jul 2017 at 7:26pm
  • User-anonymous Original Poster Flag

    Hi, robbiejacobs, thanks so much for your detailed response. In no way would I want to confront him and ask if he's still watching it as it does break into an ordeal as he would feel that I'm throwing his past against him. But it does feel as though it's what he's doing while he's in there, I have a gut feeling about it. After his last time "quitting it", knowing he went back and still watched it every now and then and lied about it, I don't see how he would suddenly be able to resist it. When we first got together he had trouble "keeping it up", and when he looked into what could cause it, porn addiction/masturbation was a factor, he was humiliated and kept reassuring me it wasn't down to me, though I was self conscious maybe it was. But since then he swore to stay off it but since we rarely have sex I feel maybe he's gone back to it. I do agree with your statement, "when you're an addict you lie to yourself saying you've not really got a problem and what's the matter with looking at women having sex - it's perfectly natural" as this is an excuse he has very often thrown at me and made me feel as though I'm being irrational, he's called me crazy for saying it hurt me. He's made me feel as though I'm being unreasonable for not "supporting" it. Even down to TV, at one point I asked him to watch a favourite TV show of mine, and he said he would but only if it's the episode where an actress he finds attractive is completely nude and has a detailed sex scene. I agreed as I knew if I acted any other way towards that comment, he'd tell me I'm being uptight or something. I know some couples enjoy watching porn together, and that's fine. But it's not for everyone. And he doesn't see that, at this point in time it's the secrecy and the feeling that maybe he's not happy within this relationship that has me upset. Maybe he wants the best of both.

    Thu 13, Jul 2017 at 11:55am
  • User-anonymous robbiejacobs Flag

    Hi, the trouble with porn addictions is they can be so desperately difficult to overcome. It really was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. It would have been easier I think if my wife had more than an ounce of understanding. I tried and failed, tried and failed for sooooo long.......but it can be done! The one thing it didn't do to me though was give me erection problems or put me off wanting sex so when I hear of men not wanting to have sex with their partners that is a totally alien concept to me. There's nothing better in life is there?

    All women deserve respect from their partners and shouldn't have to do certain things just because they know it pleases their partners if they don't like doing it! I totally get why you wouldn't like your partner looking at porn. Turn things round (sorry to be crude), how do you reckon your boyfriend would feel if he walked in on you having webcam sex with a bloke - he probably wouldn't like it all that much.You should never let him make you feel guilty about his porn watching. Why should you support him watching porn? If you really liked porn then fair enough but he's got to respect you and what you like. Although a lot of women say they like porn I guarantee that far fewer of them like it compared to men because is produced for men. When women are having sex how many of them are genuinely thinking oh when he climaxes I really hope he cums on my face! Porn corrupts minds and makes men bad lovers. No doubt about it.

    Thu 13, Jul 2017 at 7:31pm