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7 months on and don't feel any better after betrayal....

User-anonymous
Posted by: missrosy
Flag
Mon 16, Mar 2009 at 10:07am
Categories:
Finding Time for Each Other, Affairs and Jealousy, Getting on Better with my Partner

.....if anything I feel worse as the more I think about it, the more deception I see!

My husband had been seeing a friend of mine behind my back for months and he was also e-mailing a woman off facebook sending each other explicit messages. I am still certain he has not told me everything.

I am still crying, I don't feel any better. A couple of good friends say with time it will get better but I really cannot see that. I feel more devastated now than I initially did. We are still going to relate and I feel it helps for that day most of the time, but that's it.

My husband is usually a bright cheery person in the mornings and you can see on his face that I am dragging him down. He won't talk about what happened at all now without argueing. Think he is doing this as it stops the conversation dead, as it would. My children keep asking why is mummy sad, which breaks my heart. I feel responsible for everyone being miserable now, and I don't know how to change it.

The words he said to these two women keep going round and round in my head. I wake up and it's all there every single day and get's worse over the day.

I am desperate to know the details which is stupid I know, but I feel I cannot move on until I do, how can I? I feel that desperate that I even thought of emailing the Facebook one and telling her he had comitted suicide in the vain hope that she will tell me more. I feel like a raving lunatic writing this down, am I?

I did tell my husband I was going to do that and he called me evil. This just destroyed me. He later apologised but the words will live with me forever. Be honest is it evil to do that?

I just feel like I am turning into a complete nutter and the thing that is hurting me the most is that I feel my husband is just settling for me. I clearly have not made him happy last year but these two people not only excited him but made him happy. He told me they were funny, he lusted after my friend, and the thing's he said in the email to the FB one are almost unprintable. I will copy and paste a couple of quotes that really get me the most. Please help I don't know what to do anymore :( Here is a couple of thing's he had written, how will I ever get these words out from my head!

i have woken up on the sofa again. Why am i not waking up next to you?
I love reading your emails. They always do one of two things (1) make
me smile or (2) make me hard

can i put my sausage between your baps?

i'd love to go to that party with you. i've gone all randy at the thought of you in some form of fancy dress costume. what you going as? i would go as a sekeleton i think, black costume with white bone bits on it. and then i'd bone the arse of you. lol. fuck, what was i thinking giving this up for so long? (he stopped when we started relate in september when I found out about my friend, but started again in October, pure comittment to relate eh!)

627 emails most of them either for cheap watches or viagra. two important ones - both from you. i feel really bad. its like i let you down. we haven't even met! how can i feel bad about something like that? (but i do)

So work ok? Maybe I should arrange for that long overdue meeting up north and come and give you some lunchtime "relief" next time you see any cock it'll be mine, and it'll be in the flesh. I dare you to send me a breast shot - uncovered! anyway, when are you on that nhs course down (where we live so can't put that) way? put your arse in gear woman..i'm wantin a good fuckin

I'm sorry for the language but I really need some advice and unless you have read the words I read you can't possibly understand. There is heaps more, slagging me off in them too.

How can I move on from all this, how can I get it out of my head? How can I ever trust him again?
missrosy
xxx

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Comments

  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    You are never going to get over this missrosy so why are you still with him?  You have to either move on and forgive him or ship out and start all over again.  Stop beating yourself up over it cos it seems to me you like wallowing in all this pain and hurt.  No-one can make this happen you have to do it for yourself.

    Mon 16, Mar 2009 at 10:13pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    That's a bit harsh isn't it. It's not so easy to give up on your marriage, I married forever, and even after how much he has hurt me I still really love him. There will be massive implications if I leave him. As you may be aware our daughter is poorly and all the children worship their dad. Really easy to make that decision eh!

    Tue 17, Mar 2009 at 9:19am
  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    I know that you have a poorly child, I have read most of your posts on here, but what else can anyone on this site tell you?  What reason would you start posting the emails that your husband sent these women on here?  You already have our sympathy so doing this serves no purpose but to allow you to continue to wallow in all that has happened.
    Come on, us women are made of stronger stuff.  You have to stop wallowing in self pity and start to pull yourself up, if not for youself then definately for your children.  I am sorry if this sounds harsh.  I am only trying to make you see that all this is not helping you.  You have to let go.  I know how hard it all is, I have been in your shoes.
    BTW, my kids worship their dad too, even my 2 children that are not his but I wasnt prepared to let the kids see me crying all the time, they are all well adjusted and happy children, kids adapt very well to things.  Take care.

    Tue 17, Mar 2009 at 2:55pm
  • User-anonymous Justapuppy Flag

    Hi missrosy,
    I really feel for you - having read those emails it must drive you crazy, and must be so hard to drive to the back of your mind. I know I'd really struggle to move on from this.
    You really are dwelling on this an awful lot. In other messages you've talked about how you've made progress, but then end up in the same place again. Do you think you've made any progress? Is it really all as raw as before?
    I suspect you know that your threat about saying he has committed suicide is really unacceptable - think of the harm it could do to everyone who knows him. Also, this would be the end of your marriage.  You probably need to talk about these fantasies with your counsellor though, only by being 100% upfront can you get anywhere with it. However, I'm not convinced that there is anything more than you already know.
    Looby might be right though, there comes a point when your children will be upset by this situation, and it sounds like they are. For the sake of your children you need to decide whether you can make this work or not.
    It sounds like you're pushing your husband further and further away, you don't need to be a walkover, and you need to stand up for yourself, but it is possible he won't be able to take all of your anger and mistrust. If you really do still love him, genuinely, and if you really do want to make this work, you'll need to find a way of accepting this and moving on. Otherwise it's over between you both - you can't carry on together as you are forever.
    I do wish you all the best, and you are made of stronger stuff. Good luck hun,
    x

    Tue 17, Mar 2009 at 9:14pm
  • User-anonymous Angela (moderator) Flag

    Dear missrosy
    You are struggling with and not giving up on what sounds like a very difficult relationship at present.  I wonder if expressing what happened, and your feelings around that, in your own words might have been more helpful for you than sharing your husband's emails?  Cutting and pasting comments written by other parties is not something that we would encourage users to do on this site. 
    I can see from the community response that others pay tribute to your resilience in dealing with your very difficult situation - I do too!

    Wed 18, Mar 2009 at 2:48pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I made a mistake like this... and the reason that we worked it out is becasue I changed,,, my husband could see the remorce in me. Is your husbacd showing regret and is he trying hard to help you ?

    Wed 18, Mar 2009 at 8:09pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I am upset by the comments. Surely it is harldy surprising I am unable to just "Get on with it", as some of you imply I should be doing. I am extremely hurt by what my husband has done to me and I am still crying about it most days months on. Please feel free to explain to me how exactly you do move on and stop crying, because I do not know how to!
    Angela I am sorry for doing that if it is against the rules but I thought rather stupidly that it would make people understand what I was actually feeling. How would anyone like their husbands to of said these words to another woman, you all too would be utterly devastated if you love your husbands.
    To the last poster my husband is showing regret a bit but he is not trying hard to help me. He may say different I don't know, but it has now got to the stage where we are barely talking again, no intimacy, and no talkiing at all about what happened as he get's angry with me. We have relate again Monday but we are going round in circles and it is basically because I do not believe I know everything about what happened, and I feel sure now he will probably never tell me, which leaves me devastated. What is he hiding, is it that bad? Maybe he did sleep with my firend?
    Our councellor said something interesting that if you feel you don't know the truth your imagination runs away with you. Maybe that is what is happening, but the ball is in his court is it not? He should be helping me in anyway he can.
    Thanks for your reponses anyway.

    Thu 19, Mar 2009 at 6:10am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    forgot to say I set up another email address to send the suicide mail but never did it, but still feel the urge to

    Thu 19, Mar 2009 at 6:11am
  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    Missrosy, what do you expect people to be saying on here?  You want sympathy for your situation and as I said before you have that but when someone mentions that you have to start to move on then you get all upset and act like your the only one that has ever been hurt.
    Your also implying that because women who decide to end their marriages over an affair they never loved their husbands.  I just want to say that I loved my husband very much, I thought that he was my soulmate and I tried very hard for 3 years to forgive him and forget the past but when push came to shove I couldnt ever get over the hurt and betrayal and sadly I asked him to leave but I want to add that when we were trying to put our marriage back together I tried so hard not to throw his affair in his face, obviously there were times when I did but generally life got back to normal apart from the fact that my heart was broken.  I still care for him but I could never love him like I used to.
    You have chosen to stay with your husband rightly or wrongly so 7 months on he is probably wondering how long he has to keep saying sorry.  He can't keep saying it forever and even though he was wrong you cant keep punishing him for it.  I know you say its hard to draw a line under it all but you have to if you want your marriage to survive, he wont put up with this for much longer and your driving him to leave you.
    I hope you dont think that I am attacking you, I have tried hard not to, I am not one of those women who pampers wallowing and strokes pain, I tell it how I see it.

    Thu 19, Mar 2009 at 11:12am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi missrosy
    I absolutely know where you are coming from in needing to know all the details of what happened before you can trust him again, but I guess he just wants to not talk about it and put it all behind him - difficult!  If you are going to Relate would you be able to say to him there that you are so desperate to know more that you have thought about sending the email saying he has committed suicide - that might make him realise how much you need to know more and it would be an OK place to talk about it?  Let us know how you get on.

    Thu 19, Mar 2009 at 11:22am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Christ loobyloo why don't you say just how you think eh! I do feel you are attacking me actually, and it's not very nice. I am asking for advice and if you feel unable to give it to me then don't reply. I have read what you said and thank you for replying but if your posts are going to stay along the same lines I would prefer you not to reply.
    I do not appreciate you accusing me of acting like I am the only one ever to be hurt. By simply being on this site it is evident it happens to alot of people every day, but it it doesn't take away my hurt does it!
    You said yourself that you tried for 3 years to get over the hurt your husband caused you, well I am only 7 months down the line, have you forgoteen how you felt? I did not imply that women who end their marriage due to an affair don't love their husbands at all. All I was saying was that if you truly love your husbands these words and pictures that were exchanged would hurt you immensely, as they have me!
    If he cannot stand how I am being after what he has done then he is not the man I thought he was, and I wouldn't want him then anyway, love or not, time will tell......
    To the post above, thanks for your reply. I have told him already about the committing suicide email and he called me evil to want to do that to someone else. Bloody cheek if you ask me, it's okay for 3 people to treat me like they did. The unjust of it all is really getting to me. They have all got off scot free, and I am the one left hurt, humiliated probably for the rest of my life now!

    Thu 19, Mar 2009 at 2:50pm
  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    I am sorry that you feel my replies are attacking you Miss Rosy but I have read and re-read what I wrote and I cant see how what I have said is an attack on you but I can see that its not what you want to read so your taking offence to it.  My advice to you is to stop acting like a victim, the best and only way to get back at these people is to get your marriage back on track and be the happiest you have ever been.  Your family should be your focus not these dumb women.
    When my husband has his affair, he brought that woman into my world, she joined a website that my husband and I worked for after he gave her the web address and because of my position on the site i couldnt do anything about it, I had to put up with that every day until someone else exposed her for who she was.  He looked after our 3rd child when I went away for a weekend and i begged him not to let her meet my daughter but cos my husband didnt have anyone to leave her with and instead of cancelling with this woman he took my daughter along, they brought her clothes together.  He also had her in my bed!  The bed that we conceived our 2 children in and he was in constant contact with her on his mobile.  She even has the same christian name as me.
    Miss Rosy I wanted to kill her, I wanted revenge so badly and being pregnant I would have blamed it all on hormones, and like you i was so pissed that her life hadnt changed.  I could have got her the sack from her job but I never did.  What got to her more was the fact that we stayed together and occasionally she saw us at football (where they both worked and met) holding hands, kissing and cuddling.  Her face was a picture.  So I do understand where you are coming from about wanting to hurt them as much as they hurt you.
    The first year after his affair was hard, he never wanted to talk about it, said that there was no point going over it cos it would only hurt me more, his favourite saying was the past is the past.  The 2nd year he started to talk about it, we went on holiday just ourselves for a week and he finally realised how much he hurt me and told me everything so it was all in the open.  Last year was the hardest year, there were other factors but I just realised I didnt love him enough to stay married to him.
    I think though that you need more help than what anyone on here can give you, you sound so depressed.  Have you been to your GP for any help? Maybe they can give you something on a temporary measure to help you cope with all this.  7 months on you should be starting to look forward to your future with your family.  Finally get rid of all those emails, its not doing you any good having them.
     

    Thu 19, Mar 2009 at 11:55pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Well the latest update is that relate has pretty much broken down now. The councellor would not read the emails that my husband sent. From my point of view she could not possibly address the issues I have if she doesn't know what they are. My husband is still not facing up to what he has done.
    Our poorly little girl has a key worker who is a friend now at her hospice and she offered to mediate for us which we did a couple of days ago. My husband admitted that had he met the FB one he would of had sex with her. This is again just destroying me. I explained that I needed him to face up to what he has done. So I suggested he reads all the emails and we go from there. The last thing the councellor from relate said was that my husband needs to write me a letter if he feels unable to say to me face to face about all his feelings regarding our poorly daughter our relationship all what he did last year with these two women. It has been two weeks and he still has not done it.
    Our daughter's hospice woker suggested we do thing's in stages. My husband should read the emails then write the letter. She said though that we should just deal with our relationship and what my husband has done and deal with the issues of our poorly little girl later.
    It is all so over-bearing at the moment.
    xxx
     
     

    Fri 3, Apr 2009 at 7:13am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hello missrosy,
     
    I am really touched by your situation and can not feel what you are feeling, but can feel pain which may be a fraction to yours. I was betrayed by my fiance of 4years, this happened 8 months ago and like yourself  i am very very confused to what to do. as any step i take has consequences.
    I understand what you mean when you say you want to know every detail,  for me if i get this information, i don't know what i'll d with it but it will mean closure., and maybe your wanting to  move on with your husband and put all this in the past but something is holding you back..and that is not knowing what happened. Somepeople would argue that it is n ot important to know the details of what happened, and for those of you who can move on without knowing well done because not all of us are that strong.
    Missrosy obviously you have alot going on in your life, you need to find your inner strength, an inner power to be stronger, to put on a happy face(for your children). I know that its very very difficult to throw away a marriage because you have spent your life building that marriage, loving your husband. And its very hard to let go of all that... personally i think you should focus on yourself and on how to rebuild yourself up again, bring back the confident, strong you.
    I found that being betrayed to really really hurts, its then a greiving process.. you go through many stages, but to move from one stage to another it takes self motivation and self determination. When you are upset about the whole thing and like myself keep thinking things through over and over in your head, try to snap out of it there and then, try taking your thoughts elsewhere, focus your energy on something else.. for instance a new hobby/interest, this is to control your emotions and the pain, slowly it does help as this will make you stronger.
    But the thinkg you need to do is get some closure on this and work at it from there. I suggested the letter thing to my fiance too but he did not write one either, i can understand your pain, you probably feel you can not describe it, because its that bad.. What i decided to do, was make the 1st move and i wrote him a letter about my feelings and why i needed to know the details. i wrote a true honest letter and told him to write me a response but in that letter needs to be the truth if things are to work...
    He eventually did write me one back, we've tried to make it work from there, we even burnt the letters together..
    I am only 23 years/female, you probably feel like i am taliing rubbish but couldnt help but write something.
    tc Amy

    Fri 3, Apr 2009 at 7:46am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Miss rosy,
    I am glad you stood up to the 'sisterhood has got to be strong' nonsense...
    Not all ppl are the same and do not necessarily deal with things in the same way. Dont let ppl push you into following their path if it doesnt feel right 4 u.
    Accountability and honesty are huge issues for you- and rightly so.
     I also agree that if he cant do  certain things to acknowledge his actions in front of you and the counsellor -and how they could hurt you- he will continue to act out of denial; he wont grow and will not be a fit person to receive your trust either.
    In my opinion the counsellor didnt view the emails because they were gutless and were avoiding the issues... This is sad dont you think? This evidence is valuable to a counsellor to see character, motive and see things head on...sometimes it is better to have confrontation for the sake of honest communication. This was  a case in point.
    And why is it that ppl freak out, repress and get neurotic when adults cry in front of children? How weird! It all depends on what is being expressed doesnt it? why are ppl pretending to be emotional robots? How is that going to help anyone? 
    Stand your ground, and have some rest and breathing space...big changes are in the cards.
     And dont let ppl tell you not to strive to see justice done. It is a challenge to you and a favour to him really...dont you think so?
    daveangel.

    Fri 3, Apr 2009 at 9:16am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks for your comments especially daveangel you always hit the nail right on the head!
    Well the latest update is that we are no further on in some ways. 9 months on now and I really thought things would be good. We finished with relate as it was clear it was not working out. I was determined not to give up on our marriage. Throughout all this pain and heartache that is the one thing that has kept me going.
    We started going to marriage care 2 weeks ago, and the councellor seems more able to delve into what went on last year.
    I booked a weekend away for my husbands birthday in April and we had a great time away together, our daughter was safe and well looked after in the hospice and our older children looked after our 7 year old. As we were driving back on the motorway I felt this black cloud coming over me again, and it has stayed with me.
    Our daughter was in hospital again yesterday and may still need an operation to change her shunt or worse, so we are so stressed again.
    My husband was not opening up about his feelings for my "Ex" friend. I did know there was alot more to tell. Last night at marriage care he was explaining how he felt about her, he said he really enjoyed talking to her and that she was like his SOUL MATE. I was so shocked and devastated all over again. I am beginning to wonder whether to just walk away now. I have tried and tried and tried but how much can a person take. I am so upset my heart is breaking again. I went to bed and cried my eyes out to sleep, because of what my husband had said and because of the worry of our little girl.
    Do I carry on delving into his feelings? Will this make us stronger? I suppose the only answer is have I got the strength to carry on with this! Please advise me and don't tell me to walk away thing's are not just that easy are they.
    Thanks for reading even if you dont reply
    xxx

    Wed 27, May 2009 at 6:49am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Please advise, thanks xxx

    Thu 28, May 2009 at 7:57am
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    Dear missrosy
    It is perfectly understandable that you are still struggling with your feelings 7 months down the road, this is actually quite a short time in which to expect to rebuild trust in your husband, it can take much longer. It is good to hear that you have found a counsellor you are able to work with, it is not uncommon to have to try more than one before you find the one that is right for you. It is very normal to need to know every little detail of what happened, you may also need your husband to apologise for what happened before you can forgive him, but for these things to happen you and he need to have the skills to communicate your feelings to each other openly, honestly, and in a way that you both feel safe with - you may want to seek your counsellor's help in learning to talk honestly to each other about your feelings, using everyday topics, before you move on to the biggie of what happened 7 months ago. You seem to feel that you are doing most of the hard work and "giving" in trying to save this marriage, is that how it feels to you? It could be helpful to talk to your husband in your counselling sessions about what you need him to do and say so that you can move on. I also wonder if it would be helpful to see your GP, you have talked in the past about threatening suicide and about a black cloud descending on you, I wonder if you are feeling depressed? Good luck with the way forward, I hope you are both able to work things out.

    Thu 28, May 2009 at 8:45am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks Morwenna. I do feel like I am doing all the hard work and giving in is exactly how I feel at the moment. I may well be depressed, I have all the stress of our poorly daughter too which is getting worse. Will go and see g.p as soon as I can
    Thanks
    xxx

    Fri 29, May 2009 at 6:45am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Well I can't stop sniping at him today as I feel the anger just bubbling away in me and now he has said he doesnt know whether he can put up with this much longer and may leave me. LEAVE ME the cheeky sod, after what he has done!

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 11:41am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hey GIRL!
    Oh Rosy!
    Poor mommy...right?
    Ya know Rosy, when I was young alot of ppl believed in me and asked me to give speeches at formal occasions. At some I feel like I was you- by the book. At others (after a few liquors) I became your hub!
    Luckily now I avoid speeches unless I am the only one qualified in the room... sux dont it?
    If we were working together- even though it would have to be totally confidential- I think we would need to have the big guy girl 'sex talk' thing...
    You seem to me to have a heart for the guy so why keep being 'Thel'? (It is a story from W. Blake- about a girl who refuses to live for  fear that life may hurt her in some way.)
    Sex. Sex. Sex.
    Am I evil or bad?
    We'll see...
    Symbolicdaveangel.

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 3:20pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi Rosy!
    So, can we explore your betrayal a little more in depth here?
    Dave. A.

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 3:24pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi Rose!
    I am engrossed in the symbolic tenor of emotions... and I know- when the mood changes- the dark clouds ominously loom...
    How is the weather down your way? Rain or Sun?
    Life is essential..and cycles spin/spiral- gather/release.
     
     The essence is simmering- no?
     The impurities and dross threaten perfection...
    If essentialness wasnt the all, then what sense- pray reason- should befall?
    Yourself in disguise,
    daveangel.

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 3:38pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Where stands the invisible line in the 'flesh on flesh' standoff?
    ('Who touched, did {what?} to whom for how long, how many, how good, where, cause of, lead up, my feelings, your feelings, how U/I feel now... ra ra...blah blah...')
    Take care mate, miss u...
    D.A.

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 3:50pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I Guess you are not too keen on sausage sizzles at present...does this mean that u r seriously thinking of going vegetarian?
    I love a good roll- sourdough is good sometimes... white flour is nice on occasion 2...
    Humour me,
    Daveangel.

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 3:54pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Daveangel I am lost, pmsl you are way to itelligant for me. Sunny here! Feel free to explore my husbands betrayal, ask away!
    God I am trying to get your inuendo's but not doing so well. Are you asking me about sex? I am gagging for it and always am! LOL
    look forward to hearing from you again! xxx

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 4:33pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Me 2! Right back @ U. Why did god make us horny?
    I thought only the devil had horns on!
    Love my missus, but god has made me a very horny/flirtatious prrson. I want herr bodday 2day...uknow?
    D. 

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 5:11pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    "sausage" "baps"- sausage sizzle with nice bread... I live Down Under!
     
    We Barby!
    Need a Shaveangel. 

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 5:15pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Oh what is the 'pmsl' thing? Have u got P.M.S?
    Knaveangel.

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 5:16pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    oh sorry get it now! I am not finding sausage and baps funny though, that really hurt me. I know you dont mean any harm though. ha ha pmsl is piss myself laughing!
    I dont get pms!!!
    xxx

    Sat 30, May 2009 at 7:19pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    just read back this and realised what you were on about regarding sun or dark clouds. Think I had had too much wine last night :) Its dark clouds every day :(
    Im always horny maybe I am the devil???
    xxx

    Sun 31, May 2009 at 6:13am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Do I carry on delving into his feelings? Will this make us stronger? Or should I just give up and walk away now?
    xxx

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 3:10pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    What feelings rose?
    Delving alone or together?
    I want to know more about his feelings and your interpretation of them...
    There is a river that runs sssooo deep in us Rosy- No?
    Dave.
     

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 3:33pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    By the way...
    Wasnt that comment by Morwenna impressive!
    She is my fave at the moment...
    dave.
     

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 3:35pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Yes Morwenna comments were good. I want to know his feelings about what he did last year with my friend and a women he met on facebook. I want to know exactly what he felt and why? I need to know should I say.
    Last week at marriage care he adid finally admit that he felt she was his soul mate. Well obviously I feel so upset by this. My point was that he is still hiding things from me about how he felt. If he cant be honest about it now we have no chance, no chance at all and quite frankly I am running out of energy fast.
    xxx

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:08pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Yes Morwenna comments were good. I want to know his feelings about what he did last year with my friend and a women he met on facebook. I want to know exactly what he felt and why? I need to know should I say.
    Last week at marriage care he adid finally admit that he felt she was his soul mate. Well obviously I feel so upset by this. My point was that he is still hiding things from me about how he felt. If he cant be honest about it now we have no chance, no chance at all and quite frankly I am running out of energy fast.
    xxx

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:08pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Yes Morwenna comments were good. I want to know his feelings about what he did last year with my friend and a women he met on facebook. I want to know exactly what he felt and why? I need to know should I say.
    Last week at marriage care he adid finally admit that he felt she was his soul mate. Well obviously I feel so upset by this. My point was that he is still hiding things from me about how he felt. If he cant be honest about it now we have no chance, no chance at all and quite frankly I am running out of energy fast.
    xxx

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:08pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    He has basically told you that you are second rate and filling in the time because he isnt with 'the one'!
    Should we applaud his honesty or should we tell him he is being an overly self obsessed git?
    Soulmate! Crap! I have had at least a dozen! (That said in relation to my wife- she is definitely the one and only...ferr sherr...)
    So why is he so spineless staying with you if you arent his friggin 'Soulmate'?
    d.

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:14pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thats what I want to know, and am beginning to think that it is because he cant have what he wants, or he is staying for the kid's either way it isnt going to work is it!
    xxx

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:16pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Not with the way you process things Rosy.
    You have definitely chosen your poison!
    You chose this guy did you not Rosy? Sssooo, what is going on there? What is the message?
    What does this guy want from you?
    I think I know...
    Although it is a cliche guys want a virgin and a whore. But nowadays they want even more- they want a personal secretary, cheering squad, power partner, ra ra...
    My intuition? You need to look at the sex thing. He is- pretty obviously to me- horny and has a few latent- and manifested- sexual fantasies.
    You want results? Seduce him, explore his fantasies, gag for it, mess with his mind even.
    I am the same; if my wife wants to rock and roll she has to take some risks in her mind and the boudoir.
    ch chk Boom?
    DaVeAnGeL.. 

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:25pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    What was he 'feeling'? Nah...
    How was he 'feeling' Yep...
    Like the classic dance hit- 'Oh! So Horny, horny horny horny, oh, so horny so horny, horny horny horny...'
    God I'm vulgar... and %$#@*...
    daveangel.

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:32pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Loobyloo- pass the 'nuts' Rosy...
    Sssooo, how is your babygirl?
     

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:43pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    LOL, sex is good between us, obviously not when we are not geting on, it all stops, but think that is quite common! I have no problem with being a whore in the bedroom, if you get my drift!
    My baby girl is not so good at the moment. She is having increasing pain requiring us to medicate her with codeine, which breaks my heart. Her condition is un=operable as she has complicated veins in her neck where they would need to operate and the risk would be too great to her life. So not good here at all.
    xxx
     

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 5:04pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Things rubbish really. I decided to go to marriage care and it was very difficult. My husband kept saying he has nothing else to say. He just seems point blankly unwilling to discuss all what happened last year.
    We discussed the "Soulmate" comment and I think his interpretation of the word is completely different to mine. He seems to view people he is connected with as in they understand you and vice versa as soulmates. He thinks you can have several and he views his mate Ian as his too.
    I on the other hand view a soulmate as the one person in your life that you connect with on such a deep level, and you only ever have one in your entire life.
    The councellor was shocked by that, she said "You actually think everyone thinks like you regarding soulmates". I said "Yes".
    I am starting to feel mocked by her I think. I explained that I am not finding it easy to express how I am feeling as my husband always comes back at me with either an exscuse, reason or justification, it then leaves me feeling that I am not being heard and my points are invalid. This is not helpful at all.
    Then all the councellor could say was this week we should try to understand each other's language better and listen. Bloody great how helpful.
    My husband said there is no point in going if we keep hitting this stumbling block, which is true in a way. But all the last councellor did was try to move things on and not talk about what my husband did as does this new one. I explained that yes that is what I want but not before we have dealt with all what happened last year. It would be so wrong to just move on and expect it not to come back at us. Through experience I know unless you deal with things properly they come back to you and fill you with resentment.
    Both councellors seem almost to be bigging him up in that he wants to forget about it all and just move on. Why wont they make him face what happened?
    Sorry for the long ramblings, got to do dinner for kids now so will check back later
    thanks for reading
    xxx

    Wed 3, Jun 2009 at 2:44pm
  • User-anonymous Tuck Flag

    Hi Rosy
    I have a sense of what you're going through, because I've just supported a family member who was treated rather similarly to the way you've been treated. I'm really sorry you're suffering so much.
    One thing that jumps out at me from what you say is that you want to know everything about what has happened, but each time you find out something about your husband's relationships, it upsets you really terribly and knocks you back. That's not surprising at all, but it makes me wonder why you want to know it all before you will feel you can move on.
    It wouldn't surprise me if your husband feels caught - you tell him you want to know what happened, but when he tells you, I'm guessing the reaction is pretty negative. So rather than keep hurting you further, he's decided, consciously or unconsciously, that it's best he says nothing. I'm not defending him, just trying to understand his behaviour.
    I don't know how you move forward from this. He's not going to be willing to talk if everything he says about the relationships upsets you so much. On the other hand, it's not surprising it upsets you the way it does. Maybe you need to begin rebuilding the relationship while setting aside for now the demand for him to talk about the affairs, knowing that you'll perhaps have to return to talking about them once you're on firmer ground.
    Good luck and I hope you're able to find a way forward.

    Wed 3, Jun 2009 at 5:09pm
  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    Miss Rosy, I know you think that I am too harsh and critical of your problem but I really do feel that you have to try to at least move on a little from what happened last year.  Both counsellors you have been to see are trying to make you do this but you are hell bent on staying in the past and trying to understand why, what and how bloody dare he!  I understand that you feel the need to make sure this never comes back to haunt you in the future but your not allowing yourself to have a future if you cant seem to move on, even just a small bit.
    I dont understand what you want these counsellors to do for you?  Its like you want someone to punish your husband for what he did but they have to be objective in their dealings with you both or they wouldnt be doing their jobs correctly.
    You have always had my sympathy with what happened and its terrible as you have such a poorly child but surely you can see why everyone wants you to move on for your own sake not just your husbands.
    I suppose I am going to get a snide repsonse to this post from you and Daveangel because I am not totally agreeing with you.  I just wish you would see that I am not attacking you, just trying my best to help you.  t/c looby x

    Wed 3, Jun 2009 at 5:15pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks both of you for your replies.
     
    Tuck what you say makes perfect sense to me at the moment. I want to know all the details for a few reasons really. Basically don’t you think that is the least I deserve. Secondly because I know myself and I just know it will play on my mind forever. Thirdly because I personally feel that if we do not deal with this we are pretending to ourselves that things are okay when it will still be there. I defy anyone who can say they can just forgive and move on without exploring all the feelings and knowing what actually happened.
     
    To be honest I think you have hit the nail on the head. He tells me something I understandably as you say get negative and upset hence he clams up more. How can we change that though? Surely I cannot be expected to say “oh ok, thanks for telling me”, with no emotion. It is going to be upsetting and hurtful but if he just bloody got on with it, or we would of dealt with it months ago we would of moved on by now I am sure.
     
    We have worked on our relationship a lot the last few months and it has improved dramatically, but this is still there, this is what we need to work on now. I am reluctant to leave it any longer to be honest as I am getting tired of it hanging over me all the time.
     
    Looby I had moved on a bit, we have been working on our relationship, being caring of each other, spending time together, being more intimate with each other, so in a llot of ways we have made tremendous progress. This is also whilst under tremendous pressure of our daughter’s medical conditions which in a way are getting worse. Our son is in the army, our daughter is about to go in the army, there is just so much going on in our lives it is mad most of the time.
     
    I have no problem with people disagreeing with my point of view as I came on this site to get both sides really so I could make a balanced decision about this. A lot of people just want the positive side. On the other hand you do need to try and understand it is not as easy as just moving on.
     
    Thank you both for your comments
    xxx

    Thu 4, Jun 2009 at 7:31am
  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    I know what you are saying miss rosy, I wasnt able to move on in my marriage and I gave it 3 years after his affair to try and get over it.  Also it wasnt just the affair that ended our marriage there were other factors too.
    I am worried for you, I dont know if you are ever going to be able to get over this, but splitting up for you isnt a option because you value marriage and vows and I am not mocking you for those values.
    As for your husband, I agree with tuck, he doesnt want to keep hurting you over and over again, he sees no point in it but I really do understand you wanting to know everything so you can draw a line under it.  In my own experience I still dont think I know the full goings on with my ex and the person he had the affair with, but when we finally did split I asked him for the full truth and he told me things I would never have guessed.
    He said that once the condom had split! He was worried that he could have caught something but didnt bother to inform me at the time and continued to have unprotected sex with me while I was pregnant! What would you do if you were confronted with that sort of information now?  Could this be another reason why your husband doesnt want to tell you everything because maybe he doesnt want to lose you and telling you all the ins and outs you might not want him in your life anymore.
    Its good to know that you are moving on with your relationship to a point and that you are more intimate, closer and more caring with each other.  I really do hope you can work this all out Miss Rosy, you deserve happiness.  BTW your children are a credit to you. Looby x

    Thu 4, Jun 2009 at 8:20am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks Looby. At this point in time I think that both affairs were emotional. Of course if I knew they were sexual then I would be destroyed, but it makes me angry that I am not being given a choice in this marriage, my husband is controlling that and taking that away from me and that is so unfair! I know I deserve the right to know and then I also deserve the right to stay or walk away.
    If I was confroted with the sort of information that your husband told you, "the condom split", I think it is safe to say I would cut his knacker's off! Jokes aside it most probably is the reason he is not telling me everything as he thinks he will lose me, but much more of this and he will lose me anyway and I have told him this.
    Thanks for your comment on my children that was nice to hear.
    xxx
     

    Thu 4, Jun 2009 at 9:14am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Come on Daveangel I know your there, LOL
    xxx

    Thu 4, Jun 2009 at 3:53pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Whatcha want rose?
    He loves you? Your spesh? Great gal? Love of my life?
    Take care of your heart mate, thatsall I can say...
    d.

    Thu 4, Jun 2009 at 4:51pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks Dave I have been trying to take care of my heart. xxx

    Fri 5, Jun 2009 at 8:20am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    'My husband said there is no point in going if we keep hitting this stumbling block, which is true in a way. But all the last councellor did was try to move things on and not talk about what my husband did as does this new one. I explained that yes that is what I want but not before we have dealt with all what happened last year. It would be so wrong to just move on and expect it not to come back at us. Through experience I know unless you deal with things properly they come back to you and fill you with resentment.'
    'To be honest I think you have hit the nail on the head. He tells me something I understandably as you say get negative and upset hence he clams up more. How can we change that though? Surely I cannot be expected to say “oh ok, thanks for telling me”, with no emotion. It is going to be upsetting and hurtful but if he just bloody got on with it, or we would of dealt with it months ago we would of moved on by now I am sure'...
    -crap.       Follow your instincts rose...
    Keep at it my dear... the counsellors arent doing their jobs (and no it is not about extracting guilt, it is about, at-one-ment, clearing the air, honesty!) and your man is cowering behind his boyness...
    I hope he grows a pair and becomes the man u deserve... if he doesnt bite the bullet and start talking from his core, take space, get your own thang happnin, go and do for u, get a life...
    ...ra ra...
    No matter what anyone says, you have my full agreement and support in relation to the situation at hand. I trust your judgement, and I hope I will be able to say I support your actions...
    There it is,
    daveangel.

    Fri 5, Jun 2009 at 12:00pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    It is going to be upsetting and hurtful but if he just bloody got on with it, or we would of dealt with it months ago we would of moved on by now I am sure'...
    oh, this bit isnt crap of course...
    I tend to rush sometimes rose, sorry...
    d.a.

    Fri 5, Jun 2009 at 12:03pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thansk Daveangel. It is really re-assuring that I am not the mad one you know. Both these councellors seem to be supporting his need to just move on, if only we were robots that would be great!
    Something else I forgot she asked. She asked me what my biggest fear was regarding what my husband could tell me. I said that if he had slept with my ex friend. She said "and what would you do then"?. I said "I'd probably leave him". I then went on to say to be honest I am not sure that I would do that as you dont really know how you would react until it happens. She said "I challenge you on that". She then just asking me questions about it. Shouldnt she of asked him lots of questions? Essentailly we were talking about a ficticious event!
    You know it seems she is nit picking about my beliefs. Aren't my beliefs and my beliefs only and she shouldnt be commenting on them at all should she? Could someone from the TIOT please answer this for me. Is the councellor doing anything wrong?
    You know all my life I have had people knock my instinct and to be honest I am bloody fed up with it. You have instincts to warn you, and I shall be listening to mine all the time now. Ever since my daughter was born 4 and a half years ago all the professionals to do with her care have knocked me down and knocked me down over and over again. I shall go back to my inctincts and live by them from now on!
    My husband and I went to lunch together yesterday as we had not spent much time together lately as our daughter had been in hospital again etc etc. We had a nice time and enjoyed each other's company. I think I managed to explain to him the reasons behind why I want to talk it all out, and I think for once he got it. We shall be talking later tonight, will see how it all goes but I am hopeful. I think we resolved more in an hour at lunch than we have in 3 weeks of marriage care!
    Thanks Daveangel your a star, you really seem to help alot of people on her get thing's into perspective! Albeilt we cannot always understand your humour, LOL
    xxx

    Fri 5, Jun 2009 at 12:41pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    I went to college and did a counsellig course for a while rose...I got kicked out.
    i put it down to irreconcilable differences , but in the end, the ppl who were supposed to know the most generally were arrogant and doing it all by ideological and policy numbers.
    I questioned the irregularities between personal and public belief- which is a primary lesson in counselling- and came head to head with some seriously disturbing fanaticisms, fanaticisms which if compared to statistics and personal experience were found wanting...
    I personally would always follow my instincts, but definitely suggest getting a good second opinion from someone u trust rose...always...
    Kick ass...
    dave.
     

    Fri 5, Jun 2009 at 1:00pm
  • User-anonymous Sinead (moderator) Flag

    Dear Missrosy,   It was good to read that you had a hour with your husband where you felt he understood what you were getting at.    It sounds like you do not feel like that after a session with your current counsellor.   Counselling, when it is working well does challenge us to review whwt we think and do  and sometimes this results in changes to some of  our beliefs.   However,  you are clearly unhappy with how you felt/feel after seeing your counsellor.   You are not convinced that the sessions, including some of the questions asked are of any use to you.  I wonder if you have raised this with the counsellor.  An open discussion about your doubts should help you and the counsellor to judge whether  what is happening is worthwhile, whether a change in direction is needed or whether there is no point in continuing.  It is obvious from reading your comments that you do not give up easily and I hope your situation continues to improve.

    Fri 5, Jun 2009 at 7:24pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks Dave and Sinead. We have talked for a bit the last few nights the first time in ages. But unfortunately my husband has got angry and obviously the communication then breaks down. I am beginning to wonder if he is doing this deliberately to stop the discussions.
    We have councelling again tomorrow night night and I am already thinking should I go or not?
    He is meeting a friend in London tonight so no talking tonight as no doubt I will be in bed when he returns.
    Oh my head hurts with all this thinking.......it is just all so unfair!
    xxx

    Mon 8, Jun 2009 at 6:59am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Feeling so down today, seems to be getting worse as the day goes on, roll on bedtime!
    Keep going over and over everything in my head today, like playing a DVD, and my head just hurts now! I am seriously beginning to wonder if this situation will ever resolve itself?
    I know some of you are of the opinion that I should move on from it now, but other's are of the opinion that it is way to early to expect a resolve! Wish there was a black and white answer to this.
    All I know is the hurt is as strong as ever and I feel it every day :(
    xxx

    Mon 8, Jun 2009 at 1:52pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    UPDATE
    Well we had to take our daughter to hospital yesterday as she is now having chronic pain in her neck (it's in-operable). Her consultant is putting her on medication to calm down the nerves which are causing her pain. This was extremely stressful and upsetting yesterday as especially when the consultant spoke to his registra and said this is what we do when we have an in-operable chiari. Just echoed what we are facing!
    I didnt want to go to marriage care last night for a few reasons really. I am beginning to feel ganaged up on, and I thought it may be useful for my husband to be able to open up without me being there, and also the stress of yesterday, I had a banging headache.
    So my husband decided he was going to go on his own. He came back, and later I asked how it went he said ok, but was reluctant to tell me anything. He said the councellor said I should go on my own next week to even thing's out. I feel like we are getting into secrets and lies, I really do. He should be able to say all what went on last night shouldn't he? So it ened in a row and me going to bed as usual.
    Our 16 year old had a telling off for disrespecting me yesterday so for some reason she is blaming her dad, and my husband and our son have had a falling out too, nothing major just requires an apologyu. So my husband now thinks nobody loves him and is feeling massively sorry for himself.
    I am so sick of this, it always get's turned round in his favour. What the hell do I do now, we are barely speaking today. Just think he seriously needs a wake up call. I just dropped my daughter off at school only to find out that her little friends daddy had been killed in a motorbike crash, how terribly sad is that. Why does it take something terrible to happen for people to realise what they had?
    xxx

    Wed 10, Jun 2009 at 8:18am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    emilysmiles might start to worry if this post gets longer...
    got your own little cult missrosy?
    D.A.

    Wed 10, Jun 2009 at 12:58pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Daveangel what on earth did you write?
    UPDATE
    Kid's are friends with their dad again now so that's sorted at least. Marriage care has finally broken down we are not going now.
    Been in hospital a few times with our youngest daughter and got her some different medication now and managed to increase her dose of codeine so we are able to control the pain better.
    My husband is still trying to do the sweep it under the carpet routine!
    Friday me and my husband was taking our daughter to school in the car, when we spotted "ex friend" and I saw her smiling away at my husband until she spotted me and then put her head down. It makes me feel that he has still been waving and smiling to her. That day mys husband had had a rare day off and we went shopping and for ,unch but it was all ruined by HER!!!!! I just wish we could sell our house and clear off right now, I never want to see her ugly face again! Friday night I was in tears.
    It has been 10 months now since I found out and the hurt and pain is not subsiding. I am beginning to think it never will now. Friday I seriously thought about ending our marriage for good. It just seems such a waste and our children will be devastated.
    missrosy
    xxx
     

    Sun 21, Jun 2009 at 2:14pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    I feel gutted that censorship is happening here...as I put alot of energy into my comment and now I have to rewrite it and try to get around the issues of whoever deleted it.
    It really upsets me that that comment was edited Rosy...no reason or rationale...just hit the edit button. I wonder if it is more personal than ethical that this keeps happening to me, and that I have been sent an email asking me to contribute less because I am supposedly scaring ppl away...
    I feel frustrated and harrassed that someone would do that without a reason between our communications- a bit like vandalising your mail. Its pretty obvious that we have gotten over intros and formalities but that fact obviously wasnt understood or taken into consideration.
    should I try to piece whatever it was together? It was an allegorical thought, I remember, about myths and stories from the past interspersed with what Ithought might resonate with you...... hmmm...
     

    Sun 21, Jun 2009 at 5:17pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    yes please go ahead. I cant believe they email you, that will be to do with the few people leaving comments on different threads about you then obviously. It is outrageous that you are not allowed to give an opinion, this is fastly becoming a big it all up for affairs site!
    Look forward to hearing from you as I value your opinions!
    Thanks
    Missrosy
    xxx

    Sun 21, Jun 2009 at 7:29pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Hi Rose,
    Maybe it is the opinion of one or a few that gets certain threads deleted, who knows...
    Why dont you get your fella to write his thoughts down here? Tell him I am interested to see what he has to say. If he is committed to doing a little bit of work, then this shouldnt be too hard for him I might imagine...
    Maybe he is not deep Rosy, just on autopilot reacting to things in a semi conscious way and you feel ripped off because you want to have genuineness and honesty and are feeling like u r living in a kind of fog because he just doesnt get it.
    I think there is a serious case for you getting your own life back as he is letting you down on several levels.
    He might be a fun and exciting guy in a lot f ways, but even if that is the case it is understandable that you want to develop and mature the bond you have. If you cannot communicate with him because he feels an aversion to having a loving, thoughtful and mature dialogue, then he probably needs a shock to awaken him. It happened to me, it happened to my partner, it happens to ppl alot when they start to look within to see who they are and what is REALLY going on inside.
    remember Rosy, if you are doing this, then you are doing him a favour and if he doesnt get it then you will feel resentment and fruastration, and he will hide behind his ego of individuality and non- accountability. Hell in a nutshell...
    dave.

    Mon 22, Jun 2009 at 4:45am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I will ask him and see what he says, have a feeling he wont though! I think again you have probably summed it up pretty well.
    I think he has a very unhealthy interest in fantasy, and I think he needs help with it. Yesterday I suggested Cognative behavioural therapy and he had a go at me straight away dismissing it. He is lying to himself and I dont know why.
    xxx

    Mon 22, Jun 2009 at 8:14am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    And what about sharing fantasies Rose?

    Mon 22, Jun 2009 at 1:06pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I dont have a problem with sharing fantasies, in fact I have told him of mine. The difference is I would never actually want to do them!
    My husband however has had the fantasies and been acting them out via email with another woman, and in real life too with my "Ex friend". So you can see he has taken it all too far. I just don't get why he needed to do that. There is only one answer and that is for selfish reasons.
    xxx

    Mon 22, Jun 2009 at 1:14pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Well what about discussing fantasies and implications and how to channel them into a loving and committed relationship?

    Mon 22, Jun 2009 at 1:47pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Not sure how to do that sounds a bit grown up, LOL. I know the implications, he has very nearly lost me due to what he has done and may still yet!
    xxx

    Mon 22, Jun 2009 at 2:43pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Its sexy and fun and grown up...but as you are also realising it is scary, involves risk, and takes balls.
    And Rose, he didnt lose you because of what he has done, because you are sssooo ready to forgive him at the first sign of real remorse. He will lose you because he is not committed to the relationship as deeply as you and is scared of real intimacy. Try not to mix up teenage hormones with adult depth or I will find a way to make you squeal...(LOL) (Yes this is probs what got me axed b4 but I guess we'll see...)
    Did you ask him? Invite him rose! Dont b selfish! (can you tell I am of near eastern heritage yet?)
    Dave.
     

    Mon 22, Jun 2009 at 4:20pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I have sent him the link to this thread so will see what he says about it.
    Your so funny about me mixing up up my teenage hormones with adult depth, pmsl I am 41 this year, thought I left those behind years ago!
    xxx

    Tue 23, Jun 2009 at 10:51am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    i want to ask you Rose if you want to be my couples connection partner?
    I would b honoured ra ra...
     would u mind? Better ask your hubster if he is cool with it then all we have to do is get by (big) Couples Connecter (brother). (lets face it we have some serious issues and are probly doomed, but for the time being...)
    Tell him I dont wanna compete for your affections but, hey, if he is off doodling in the bushes, bang! There it is! Lets partay!
    Forever young? I'm 43 and act like a 3 year old! Its my charm... 
    Foreva babe!
    daveangel.

    Tue 23, Jun 2009 at 1:51pm
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    I think it is worth clarifying for all site users that the excellent "Work it Out" section of the site is intended for the use of genuine couples to work on their relationship - as stated in its introduction:-
    "If both you and your partner decide to register on the site, you will be able to create your own private Couple Space where you can work together on your relationship ... You will be able to set goals for your relationship and access exercises that help you to make changes. Finally, you will also be able to review your progress on a regular basis."

    Wed 24, Jun 2009 at 9:52am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    OOhhh Dave yes I think you could persuade me to be your couple connections partner!!! Think my husband may comment about that though, LOL.
    Partay it is then, pmsl.
    Forever back at ya!
    Seriously we will be having a talk tonight as our oldest daughter is not about so when the little ones are in bed we shall be alone at last. So will see how thing's go tonight!
    xxx

    Thu 25, Jun 2009 at 12:08pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Hello Rosy Rose,
    We are sssooo naughty.... Isnt it fun!
    Miss u,
    Daveangel.

    Thu 25, Jun 2009 at 5:31pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    All gone tits up here as flamin' usual! I am beginning to think we have no chance to sort this out. I am seriously considering just buggering off and being done with it.
    Our eldest daughter came home last night, she was on a 2 day selection for the army but struggled with the p.t. My heart goes out to her as she has tried so hard, she will do it again but needs some more training, so I'm sure she will be fine.
    It was going to be the one time though that hubby and me talked and of course it didnt happen. I am just feeling so angry again and so frustrated.
    Just beginning to believe I will never feel happiness and contentment ever again :(
    xxx

    Fri 26, Jun 2009 at 8:05am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    really...
    when potential beckons like a Sinatra song who really cares?
    It's all a game, winner!
    90 million lotto this week... when I get paid; you & me Florence & Roma Italy... all good?
    Pack bikini, sunglasses, you... C U there!
    Ciao...
    Daveangel.

    Fri 26, Jun 2009 at 5:56pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    oh yeah c u there definately! Best offer I have had all day :)
    xxx

    Fri 26, Jun 2009 at 9:07pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Still no change. My husband has been on a 2 day diving course so we have barely had time to speak plensentries let alone anything else!
    Hopefully tonight we will get a chance to talk. The other day I said we should split up, but he said he doesnt want that. But he seems so unwilling to sort thing's out. Do you think he is just scared to admit his feelings, or how he felt about these two women?
    xxx

    Wed 1, Jul 2009 at 7:51am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Where is everyone? Obviously enjoying the good weather! No talking happened again!!! I am feeling so tired every single day now, and totally down and drained. I know I have said it before but I really think maybe I should give up trying now. It is beginning to affect my health now. I have no energy at all. I still feel really sad though that my marriage has not worked and this is the thing apart from still loving my husband that has kept me going, but I can only do so much and if he is not willing to help sort this out then we don't have a chance do we?
    xxx

    Fri 3, Jul 2009 at 3:17pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Hi Rosy,
    I have lost the passion for this site because there is a serial deleter on the TIOT.
    I wish I could give u a hug and have a few lagers...
    Hope u get this,
    daveangel.

    Sat 4, Jul 2009 at 1:15pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Hi Dave, I know what you mean about always deleting posts. Wish I could get the hug and lager's, LOL
    xxx

    Sun 5, Jul 2009 at 6:23am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Well feeling really down at the moment. My husband has thrown himself into work again a pattern he did last year when he was up to no good. Realistically he could be just busy but who knows, I certainly don't!
    We are due to go on holiday for 4 weeks to France in about 3 weeks time. I am dreading it to be honest for the reason that this was when I found out he had been seeing my friend behind my back for months on end. It doesnt help that we see her about sometimes. I just want to kill her.
    I cannot believe that has nearly been a year. I also feel sad that I have wasted a year trying to fix my marriage when I have done nothing wrong. My head keeps saying walk away and give up on this and my heart keeps saying stay and keep trying.
    xxx

    Tue 7, Jul 2009 at 6:11am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    My husband has finally revealed a little more! I am certain there is heaps more he could tell me, but he just won't, so I think it is time to walk away from my marriage now, something that saddens me greatly.
    He told me he had been falling for my friend more and more, and was getting closer to her and feeling more connected with her. I cannot allow him to prolong my misery anymore it is not fair to me.
    If only he would of told me everything from the beginning then we could of been okay by now or at least alot further towards repairing thing's.
    He is out to protect her no matter what, so that's it I suppose I cannot do anymore can I?
    xxx

    Sat 11, Jul 2009 at 6:58am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    We are approaching a year on now and to be honest I am sick to death of feeling so low, and for this to still be dominating my life day in day out.
    We have had some rows about it all recently. My husband wants it all to go away yet I still feel there is more to say and we have talked a bit more about what happened and there was more to tell, and I still feel there is still more he could tell me.
    He told me he was beginning to fall for my "ex" friend, I knew this deep down but needed him to admit that to me. We talked about the fact that as he was slagging me off to two different people I literally had no chance last year to repair our relationship, I was almost looked down on before I even said or did anything, this anger's and saddens me deeply. He also said had he of met up with the fb one he would of probably of had sex with her!!!
    Two weeks ago I packed his bags, he wouldnt go. I do love him and I now think he does love me, but is that enough to get over all the hurt, lies mistrust, betrayal, I just don't know anymore. I have taken my rings off which has upset him. Do you think I am trying to end it, maybe I am???
    On a brighter note my youngest daughter has started some new medication which seems to be helping her pain alot which is fantastic. Oldest daughter has just had swine flu, and son was in a car crash last night with the car rolling down a bank, but walked away unscathed. Life is all about testing eh! Why do some people get tested on a daily basis?
    I do know if I was reading this written from someone else I would think what a terribly sad story, they love each other but how can they possibly get over all this hurt and betrayal. Will he ever be totally honest with me? Why do men do this, why don't they just spill it all out and be done with it. Had he of done this a year ago we may well of been on the road to recovery but I just cannt see this happening now, and I am seriously considering walking away from him. I also feel so terribly sad about our future plans being destroyed if I end our marriage. We were planning another baby, moving abroad, teaching kid's at home etc, all wrecked by selfish acts of his.
    Thanks for listening, still after advice please,
    xxx

    Mon 20, Jul 2009 at 3:31pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    We are due to go on holiday Friday and I am dreading it to be honest. I was seriously contemplating not going but it will ruin thing's for the kid's they are so excited they are counting down how many more sleeps.
    Think I may go to the dr's it can't be normal to feel this low surely?
    xxxx

    Mon 27, Jul 2009 at 7:10am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Missrosy, a lot of the problem stems from the fact your husband appears unwilling to fix what he has broken which in turn gives you the impression he doesn't hold the same regard for your marriage as you do. It's very selfish of him and it's to his convenience to just brush it aside and move on. Although the facts of the matter may be destructive to you and hurtful for him to confess, they will help you understand the motivation behind his actions. With understanding comes forgiveness and it's a fairly simple concept I think this relationship needs to address to move forward.
    If he simply cannot address this issue with you then I'm afraid you have two choices, live with him and a broken heart or carve out an independent future for you and your children.
    Should the latter be the answer, please do remember it's not you who has broken the relationship up, it's he who hasn't fixed it. I do believe he holds the key to his own forgiveness by opening up to you. As you previously mentioned, had a lot of this come out in the first place you'd be further down the line. In my mind, this is pure and simple deceit and it's only persistence that it cracking the nut; not the behaviour of someone who charishes your marriage and is dedicated to repairing the trust that enshrines it.
    All the very best. Baz.

    Tue 28, Jul 2009 at 10:53am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Apologies for the above typo's. Eating, drinking and typing is dangerous.

    Tue 28, Jul 2009 at 10:56am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks so much Baz, what you have said is exactly what is going on. I have sent my husband your response, basically the rest is up to him now and if he carries on doing this to me he will force me to start a new life with our children.
    Thanks again,
    missrosy
    xxx

    Tue 28, Jul 2009 at 1:35pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Hi again, I have flown back from France for two days as I have an exhibition opening with some of my photography work in it. The holiday is going okay, although my husband still flatly refuses to talk, I am beginning to think there is something wrong with him. This cant be normal can it?
    I was really hoping that this holiday could be our first step forward, but how can it if he is still holding back on me? Deep down this is a make or break holiday I cannot carry on like this with all this going round and round in my head all the time.
    Iwould really appreciate talking to a man that has cheated not to have a go at you but to try and understand your thought processes.
    Many thanks
    Missrosy
    xxx

    Thu 13, Aug 2009 at 8:37am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi again Missrosy,
    The holiday is going okay, although my husband still flatly refuses to talk, I am beginning to think there is something wrong with him. This cant be normal can it?
    I like to think in simple terms as they're usually the right ones. Given what you've said in this and other threads, I'd wager it's plain old fashioned denial. He doesn't want to admit he was wrong and that the problem isn't as big as you're making it out to be. He wants you because you're mum and life's easier with you but he doesn't have the balls to admit he screwed it up and probably feels like it will all crash around him anyway if he tells all. There's more hope for him by keeping schtum. He may also fear what others think of him if or when the truth comes out. Simple, but probably true to the case.
    I was really hoping that this holiday could be our first step forward, but how can it if he is still holding back on me?
    As I previously mentioned, holding back on you is disrespecting your feelings and not the actions of someone who wishes to rebuild the relationship. Being objective though, how can he hold back the truth if he's denying the problem in the first place. Once he acknowledges his failure, then it's his place to open up to you. Letting it all go is phase 2, admitting it all is phase 1.
    I would really appreciate talking to a man that has cheated not to have a go at you but to try and understand your thought processes.
    I can understand why this would help but unfortunately each and every case is unique and you'll find too wide a variety of reasons to be of constructive use to you. It's also missing the point of the fact your husband isn't the one helping you understand, which is his duty. It will only help you when you realise it was his mistake and weakness that caused this catastrophe in the first place. Finding out you're crap in bed, boring, fat, old, ugly, whatever, are all attributes which will hurt to hear but help you understand the reason for his actions. I cannot see he'll ever admit these reasons are the cause. It could be plain and simple opportunity to score. Unfortunately, if he doesn't tell you, you'll have to read between the lines and learn to understand and cope on your own which as previously stated, isn't helpful for a lasting relationship and you often end up thinking the worst, blaming yourself, which lowers your self esteem and gives an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.
    I'm very sorry you're in this mess. The reason I "get" it is because I've been through it myself and had the most unhelpful and disrespectful partner who maintained zero responsibility for her actions. It hurt like hell for a very long time and ultimately the relationship failed. The scars live on too, no relationship will ever be the same. I wish it wasn't true as I'm a loving and faithful guy. Clearly this isn't enough and it appears you're commitment isn't enough either.
    I'm very sorry.
    All the best,Baz.

    Tue 18, Aug 2009 at 7:57pm
  • User-anonymous xbeckymx Flag

    heyy
    my names becky im 17.
    iv had sorta the same problem with my boyfriend
    iv been with him for 7 months and he has cheated 7 times and i recently found out he had another girlfriend she was 16 and my boyfriend is 18.
    i found out about all of this of his mates, i get on with his mates really well and they know what my boyfrienmd is like and they have told me to leave him but i love him and it is hard so i know what you are going through but tbh i think soon i will have to leave him because im waking up crying aswell and the moments keep going round in my head and i also feel like im going mad.
    i look into his eyes and i can see all those things he has done and it upsets me
    but dont leave him because people say you should
    its your desition and you should make that choice.
    iv chose to stay with my boyfriend and iv made it clear that if he cheats again or even chatts up another girl i will leave him for good.
    if your boyfriend goes out, make sure he proves to you where he has been
    my boyfriend doesnt go out anymore, if he does its with me. he spends all day everyday with me and we both like spending the time together.
     
    i can tell he has chenged because of the way he is with me, he al;ways askes me if he can see me and before it was me and most of the time it was oh im tired! but now he comes to my house and its great!
    all im saying is, dont let him mess you around.
     
    its your choice what you do but if you stay with him just make it clear
     
    becky x

    Tue 8, Sep 2009 at 12:06pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I recently set up a fake facebook account because I have always felt that my husband has not told me the whole story. My ex friend started to talking to me as she thought she was speaking  to him. Anyway I confronted my husband 2 days ago about this. I told him I had been speaking to her. Later that day she suspected she was speaking to me not him. She then told me via e-mail that my husband had tried to contact her on facebook under a fake name that day.
    I told him to leave and he did. He is staying at his friends house. He says he loves me and wants me back. I love him but I told him I could only move forward if he told me everything. Well he emailed me Tuesday night and the e-mail was called everything, well it floored me to be perfectly homest.....

    He has told me he kissed my ex friend, went to her house once, and met her in a local hotel and tried to have sex with her.  I say tried as he claims he couldnt get hard due to the guilt.
    I feel so dirty I want to bleach myself. I never thought I would be one of these women that this happens to... I'm crying all the time, cant eat, feel sick, dirty, cant sleep just dont know what to do.....
    I've applied for online councelling with relate as just dont know what else to do now...he was staying at his friends house at the moment. He says he loves me alot and wants to stay with me, I dont know what I want at the minute, although after everything I am still missing him
    My daughter goes into hospital a few days before xmas too and may need a trachy so may be in over xmas She is also going to need more major head surgery
    I have asked him for details and he is slowly telling me reluctantly, I have to know even though it hurts so much..... But he came back last night and we talked alot and I could tell he was finally telling the truth. His reason for not telling me was that he didnt want me to leave him.
    I aksed him to e-mail her husband to tell him everything but he wont. He said it's about me and him, yet I feel she is getting away with everything and it's so unfair.... I e-mailed him last night and told him anyway.
    I am now dreading xmas, I feel so low and useless, unattractive, fat etc etc
    thanks for reading....xx

    Thu 3, Dec 2009 at 6:11pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Hi rose...
    its been a long time and I am here to say I am listening to u and I am here for u...
    You have alot on your plate and heavy burdens and worries- which are just...there.
    I know from the past that u have recieved alot of difficult criticisms from ppl who didnt know how to help u and your ex to resolve the issues.
    There are so many ppl u have to eventually forgive for their weakness and meddling.
     U r strong and caring rose, and have what I consider to be a strong sense of fairness.
    I know u loved this man and that he has abused your love and trust.
    He acts like many ppl act- male and female- and though it is common, it is just not good enough.
     U deserve better.
    He is trying to crack u, but I ask u to reflect...
     Just feel the opportunity of this precious moment u r in... and the fact that u had the courage to get space, for you. To get your life back.
    I think that in this moment a chance at a happy future is opening up for u.
     I know that there is alot of fear, dread and sadness, but u r a good person. U r fun, spontaneous, caring, a good communicator and always supportive.
    It is hard to judge clearly sometimes, because of the mixed signals and desires of others in our lives, but i think I am speaking your own words when I say that through the actions of your ex you have been betrayed, decieved and neglected.
    do u deserve better? I believe that u do.
    If I could be there I would listen until u felt like u could move on at your leisure then I would get back to the basics of enjoying life with u.
    Its all about u and your future rosy. U have a right to a good life with ppl who u can trust to love u how u deserve to be loved.
    If u let ppl make u feel worthless, they will have won. Ppl can perversely recieve vindication of their wrongs by us allowing the abuse to occur unchecked, breaking us down until we become lost.
    dont b a victim to expectations and fears which rob u of your essence rose. Forget about all the ppl who doubted and made u feel as if u were being melodramatic, critical, unforgiving. U gave the opportunity, u gave so many chances. It is too late.
     U were fighting for something that could have been so good for everybody. Its failure is not your burden to carry.
    Move away from drawing others in to account, it will just feed the beast and generate more misery.
     Right now get some distance and space for yourself and the things you need to feel good, beautiful, alive, clean, fresh and whole.
    It is YOUR future rose...
    I pray u grasp it.
    with love,
    dave. 

    Thu 3, Dec 2009 at 7:28pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Dave thank you so much for your response, I truly appreciate it from my heart.
    I read it last night but could not respond as I was sat here in tears. It's starnge I feel you understand me so well, and to be honest we could be anyone anywhere in the world, but here you are helping me through one of the most difficult times in my life.
    Thank you from my heart,
    Rosy
    xxx

    Fri 4, Dec 2009 at 7:12am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Yeah the world is a big place, but we can choose to reach out if we want to...
    I had a little tear up which was surprising for me because I thought I was getting a bit more steely inside. Its good to know...
    You r beautiful and sexy to me Rose,
    Talk soon huh?
    Love u,
    d.

    Fri 4, Dec 2009 at 8:09am
  • User-anonymous Sinead (moderator) Flag

    Dear Missrosy, it sounds like things have come to a head in your relationship with your husband at a time when you are also carrying the anxiety of your daughter having difficult surgery before christmas.   You do seem to think that you are getting to the bottom of what went on between your exfriend and your husband and also seem to be saying that you think  that he does actually love you.  Despite asking him to leave, you say that you love him,   It was quite heartbreaking to read that your understandable pain and upset at hearing of his behaviour, left you feeling unclean, sick,  and sleepless.   You have been through such a lot.   Having a healthy child puts pressure on couples, having a child with a serious medical condition can cause extraordinary strain.    You are clearly a very bright and articulate person and I have no doubt that you understand that it does not make sense that you feel less worthy, less wonderful as a person because of someone elses behaviour.even if it is your husband's.   Couple counselling can help you to separate out sufficiently to protect yourself from being damaged by his behaviour.   As the pain lessens it may then become possible for the two of you to take time to find the right way forward for you and your daughter.  You obviously have contact with Relate and I wonder if it is possible for you to see a couple counsellor,you seem unsure about the effectiveness of the online version.    I do hope the pain eases and that your daughter's condition improves.

    Fri 4, Dec 2009 at 10:29pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks Sinead I really appreciate you reply to me. I am finding out more details as the tear stained days go by........
    He didn't even have a condom with him, so he would of put me at risk, thank god for his guilt. I cannot see the crying ever stopping, my heart is broke forever......
    He asked me today what I wanted for xmas as we were out seeing father xmas with the girls. I replied a new head, a new heart and a new beginning, a tall order eh dont event think a magician could conjur that one up!!!!
    I have now received a reply from the online councellor, who seemed to understand how I was feeling very well. I hate being one of these women that has been cheated on. I know it sounds bloody stupid but it was never gonna happen to me, I was so confident about that. My husband worshipped me, and me him, what happened?
    Our 13th Anniversary is on xmas eve and I am so dreading it, it now feels like an anniversary of such pain.......
    I so want him to hold me say he loves me, make love to me etc etc but I also cannot bear the thought either :( :( :( :( :(
    How long will this amount of pain last?????????
    xxx
     
     

    Sat 5, Dec 2009 at 7:21pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

     Hi Rose...
    My own problems are so small... and I am glad for it. But u my sister, have a goodly and courageous heap!
    Pain? Depends which way u r lookin rose...forward or back. It all depends...
    I wish I could just snap my fingers for u, but alas, when the shit creeps up all I can do is click for one.
    one thing-  if reminiscing, moping and pining are a curse. What is the antidote?
    ...daveangel.

    Sat 5, Dec 2009 at 8:41pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks Dave, you are a great support!
    That's the trouble Dave, I am currently looking back :(
    What is the antidote, not to do them thing's? or are you saying there isn't an antidote for this amount of pain?
    Rosy
    xxx

    Sun 6, Dec 2009 at 8:53pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Forgot to say he told me she had said to him that she only became my friend to get closer to him........
    :( :( :( :( :(
    xxx

    Sun 6, Dec 2009 at 8:56pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    it should be as simple as doing something that keeps your mind occupied.
    for me I keep occupied and all the crap disappears and just the most deep and useful thoughts are there.
    All said, in such a consuming relationship, it means u will have to work, all the harder.
    Cheers,
     Dave.

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 7:55am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I am so trying to keep busy to occupy myself so my mind is not racing constantly. I am not sleeping well at the moment and all I am doing is laying in bed visualising them naked together in the hotel, it is killing me...
    Thanks Dave
    xxxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 9:53am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    get off the bed and go for a walk and take some deep breaths Rose.
    Dont obsess and pine- just dont. replace it with something else that is positive...
    But if u have to lie down and dont have a good book, imagine yourself with someone who loves u and loves u back. put the face of a couple of pigs on your ex and his floosy, imagine that his thing is limp and she is laughing at him because of it, that her ex walks in and laughs at them because they are so pathetic and couldnt even bother caring. That they both move to a nasty trailer park together and fight all the time... Get creative...
     
    Dave.

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 11:08am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I love this response Dave you are a true angel in all respects lol.....
    The wine is flowing tonight, bit of a comfort!!!
    I have had a really difficult upsetting day, and my daughter's hospital stay has now been brought forward to next Wednesday. I'm certain she needs a trachy as her breathing and apnea is so bad.
    How much stress can a person take before something gives? I was at the dr's today and she asked how thing's were when I promptly burst into tears. It must of been bad as Dr proceeded to hug me for ages while I sobbed!
    Thanks for the support on here especially Dave :) xxxx
     

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 7:14pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    My heart is with u right now Rose...
    I wish this thing had a messenger function so we could get pissed together and I could talk to u. WTF?
    I know that under all the melting of the meltdown is a mountain of strength.
    My prayers and admiration flow out to you...
    daveangel.

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 7:19pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Ahhh your are truly lovely thank you Dave! Think I will suggest a messanger type thing what a fab idea!!!! Getting pissed together....oooohhhh dangerous I love it lol....
    Can I just run one thing by you. My husband turned round to me and said the other day that he would seriously consider letting me sleep with another man if it made me feel better. Is that a strange thing to say? Would you say that if you were him? I of course could not do that. I know full well I dont want that sort of guilt in my life. It is not an option just wanted a male opinion.
    Thanls
    Rosy
    xxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 7:31pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    u know we can find out our details if we want to rose... because they only monitor the system daily. We could put it all down and slip through easily I guarantee it... as long as it was in realtime, like now...
    nuff said...

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 7:35pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    give me your email address now
    xxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 7:36pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Rose,
    He is lost Rose. I bet u a thousand he is only thinking of the idea of having u in a compromise so he can have a guilt free root.
    Ppl in that headspace will never be able to be monogamous in their hearts or minds. I know!!! It is simply the circumstances of being with someone who is shallow and is caught in the juvenile trap of reading the book by its cover.
    There is a total lack of genuine responsibility and maturity in that awareness, and they will never understand the 'reason behind the vows'.
    If he is off in his own head, u can fuck anyone u want, but do me a favour Rose.
    Fuck someone u love and who wants to marrt u and give u the things u deserve.
    That way the old magical saying- 'be careful what u wish for, it might come true' might work its magic.
    Alas though Rose, because of your little with medical needs at this time u have much complexity....
    daveangel.

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 7:43pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    It actually pisses me off that he hasnt even got your back by pulling his head in instead of thinking about shaggin at this time... what a loser...

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 7:45pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    ha ha hubby knows I am talking to you I sense some jealousy. He just got me a glass of wine and said "Here you go Miss Angel", lol has a nice ring to it eh Dave! xxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:00pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Let him in Rose, and show him the comments I wrote to the new couple who met online...
    dont remeber the title...
    do it!!!!

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:01pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I have no problem doing it, will look for it now. What did you say then? Was it bad? xxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:03pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    the reason this site wont go stream Rose, is because it will be impossible to monitor....
    but it will be better.
    More staff is the only solution....

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:04pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    no e-mail then???? xxxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:05pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    whaTS yours. I'll put u in Mess...
    Is the hubcap onboard?

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:08pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I just told him to get girls milk as I am waiting for your e-mail address. I have nothing to hide and am ashamed of nothing I do too! Dont you want to give it in case I am a raving loony lol xxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:09pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    got to go in a minute :( xxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:10pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    No Rosy. It will be in the policy somewhere that it is not allowed and I have more speeding fines on this site than u. I dont need to let anyone know that u r a buddy, and if we choose to chat it is for friendship and mutual support...
    Let the hubcap do the domestics!!! Is he life skills retarded? Or What!!!!!
     

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:13pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    No he can do the domestic stuff in fact he is quite good at it all. I just have other stuff to do. Need to reply to my councellor. I'm getting tired too as I am not sleeping at night so need to rest up in a minute xxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:16pm
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    ok
    we'll talk later...
    did your hubcap have a look around on CC?

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:21pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    He is a member but not looked at much but I will get him to tomorrow. Have a good night off to pour a big fat glass of red wine :) xxx

    Mon 7, Dec 2009 at 8:23pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Am struggling today, doesnt help that I am so shattered. Daughter's op has been brought forward too so off to hospital next Wednesday now :(
    xxx

    Tue 8, Dec 2009 at 3:42pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Once again  SHE bloody gets away with it, this is so unfair I just want to run away forever and never come back.......
    Her husband has e-mailed me back saying he doesnt believe me. This is so unfair that it is just ME that is hurting and suffering..........
    I want to hurt her too, why should she get away with all this the evil SLUT.........
    xxx

    Wed 9, Dec 2009 at 9:29am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Feeling so down now and dont know what to do next. My husband seems to of withdrawn from me and doesnt want to answer my questions now. I feel so alone and desperate. I cant run away. My daughter is being so horrible to me saying she hates me, I cant cope much longer I really cant :( :( :(
    xxx

    Thu 10, Dec 2009 at 9:47am
  • User-anonymous DaveAngel Flag

    Rose...
    Perhaps u should let go and stop seeking accountability as your consuming mission...
    If u r overinvested and desperate u will put yourself way out on a limb and endanger your dignity, reputation and health.
    Pull back, reflect and compose... 
    u stand to lose much more if u continue...

    Thu 10, Dec 2009 at 2:08pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Well said DA, All that anger you feel inside and the extra pressure you are putting on yourself, will eventually leed you to break down. So pulling back, reflecting and composing is definately the best option for now. It's ok to take a break from the situation for a while. Perhaps after a break the intensity of the situation might be reduced for you.

    Thu 10, Dec 2009 at 2:38pm
  • Cc Esme Flag

    Dear Miss Rosy,
    You are feeling very down right now and overwhelmed by the situation you are facing. You have shown such strength over the last seven months in dealing with your daughter's very serious health problems and your marriage crisis. You have had to be strong for your daughter but sometimes you may have felt that you had no-one there for you. The next weeks are going to be yet another test of your strength as you are faced with your daughter's operation and the Christmas period. It may well be that you will have to dig even deeper into your well of strength and I sincerely hope that you do not find it dry. Reach out to the people you have already contacted for help, including your GP and on-line counsellor. The Samaritans will also be able to offer you support if ever you feel you have no-one to turn to and they are available throughout the night. There are many people who have communicated with you and offered their on-line support on this forum and who I'm sure will continue to do so. I really feel for you, Miss Rosy and I wish you well.

    Thu 10, Dec 2009 at 8:39pm
  • Eyes_068 loobyloo Flag

    I echo the sentiments of those last few posters Miss Rosy.
    I think that you are a strong woman with strong morals and I hope that these qualities will make you continue forwards.  I also hope that your daughters operation goes smoothly next wednesday.
    You are in my thoughts, looby x
     

    Fri 11, Dec 2009 at 12:35pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thanks everyone I truly appreciate your replies. We go into hospital tomorrow it has been brought forward. I am still flapping about trying to sort xmas and got packing to do in a minute too.
    I can honestly say I have never felt so low in all my life. I'm still crying/thinking about it all the time and desperately want to change that. I asked my husband to e-mail me the contributing factors to his affair and I couldnt believe what he said.
    contributing factors:us arguing all the timestress of our daughter's illnesshim putting work firststress of workhim leaving army possiblyhardly any climbing/mountaineering trips (he used to do this)my refusal to compromise on thingshim not talking to me about our daughter/us
    This has greatly upset me as most of these thing's will not be able to be changed so does this mean he is likely to do it again????? My head is just so full at the moment it could burst!!!
    missrosy
    xxx

    Tue 15, Dec 2009 at 10:07am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Hello. The news was not good from hospital. It is looking like our daughter needs major head surgery and a trachiostomy too. We will find out on 12th January when we have a clinic appointment to discuss thing's further then.
    I have a problem with one of my breasts so need to go to the dr's about that. I am beginning to wonder how much more can happen to me before I break. Can a person take much more.
    Thing's not going good with my husband. We had a nice xmas in fairness with the children, but you know how kid's keep you busy on xmas day/boxing day so it was alot easier to be honest. I am back to feeling really low, desperate to know all the details (husband insists he cant remember what happened in the hotel room) how stupid am I????
    Just dreading the new year now and sick of feeling so sad and sick of crying all the time. I am in such despair again...
    Missrosy
    xxxx

    Tue 29, Dec 2009 at 7:11pm
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    I am falling apart now. Just when I convince myself thing's could not get any worse I went to the dr's yesterday as I have a problem with my breast. The dr has referred me for an urgent ultrasound (I will be seen in the next 2 weeks) to rule out breast cancer.
    I am devastated. My husband has been really loving and supportive which is lovely but I am so so scared. I was in tears on the way home then was really cold and shivering think I was in shock. I know I have not been diagnosed with it yet but it is just so scary.
    I can only pray I get seen very soon. The dr faxed the referral over last night.
    Missrosy
    xxx

    Thu 31, Dec 2009 at 11:05am
  • User-anonymous missrosy Flag

    Thought I would update. Thankfully my tests were clear and I dont have breast cancer. :)
    However we had to go back to the hospital with our daughter yesterday to see what surgery they are going to be doing. It was just the worse news we could of expected. She has to have a tracheostomy on 4th Feb, so we will be in hospital for a couple of weeks learning how to manage that, and get all stuff delivered to the house. Then we go home for a few weeks then she has major head surgery on 8th March. It is called a mid face advancement and a front orbital advancement. It will leave her with an external metal frame fixed to her head which will need to stay on for 3 months. We are all devastated.
    Regarding my husband and I thing's not good. In fact I can just see them getting worse and worse. He is still not answering my questions, I send him e-mails to try and explain how I feel and he never get's round to responding!!!
    Feeling really low today at all that has to be faced this year!
    xxx

    Wed 13, Jan 2010 at 12:27pm
  • User-anonymous CS88 Flag

    Hi MissRosy

    May i first offer you my most sincere regards and love. You have been through huge amounts of despair and hurt! You have dealt with/dealing with an unbelievable situation that is out of your hands and my respect goes out to you, you are an incredibly strong individual (although im sure you dont feel it at times) God Bless

    If you have the chance, have a read of my post - Overcoming a Mistake

    I wont go into too much detail as it explains my situation on the post. I am in the very early days of my experience & i must say it is incredibly difficult to come to terms with :((
    I can relate to your desperate hurt re - your Husbands infidelity. My partner and i had a brilliant relationship but he fell vulnerable to a weakness and actually cheated (a one time mistake) with a stranger.
    I am completely devastated about this, i appreciate the situation (between our experiences) are different but still as damaging towards the trust and faithfulness, care & love! My partner actually paid for sex to experience a fantasy he has had for some time - he commited this crime when we were in our darkest of hours and he had hatred and anger towards me. He was in a depression (of a kind) at the time and basically during a time that our relationship was failing. We are now - with assistance from thearapy, trying to mend the trust and heal the pain BUT he is not the easiest to work with (no offence meant to other men) but he has a not-so smooth ability in expressing his emotions/feelings so understanding him can be a mystery in itself.

    I really can understand the sickening feelings of deceit when remembeing what they have done. I can completely understand the switching of days on, days off as regards to feeling better and worse...it really is like a black cloud moving over you when the memories return.

    My counceller is a lovely lady with heaps of experience in this field and reasurres me that with time and communication, that memory and pain of whats happened will ease and dilute. Heres hoping together that this can be the truth. I do hear stories of success after affair or cheating, it just requires lots of help, support and SERIOUS strength
    With Love
    CS88

    Thu 2, May 2013 at 3:08pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks for posting. It's good to hear about relationships that were on the brink of failure and have survived. It's encouraging for the rest of us who are going through a rough patch!

    Thu 2, May 2013 at 8:24pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Missrosy, I have read your story (rather late than never) and I am touched at how much strength you have. Would you mind updating us as to what has happened and what your current situation is?

    Tue 20, Aug 2013 at 2:53pm