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A psychologist's perspective on trust

Tags: Affairs, marital affairs, marriage affairs, affair, married affair, having an affair, jealousy, jealous, cheating, partner, cheating spouse, unfaithful, trust, trust issues, A psychologist's perspective on trust, trust issues in a relationship
Featured in Microsite: Couples Living Apart

Psychologist, Janet Reibstein, discusses trust and relationships.

To view a text only version click here.

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  • User-anonymous allenglen Flag

    I'm new to this site, I'm.38 my gf is 49 we have been together for 15 months. At first it was all party,drinking and bars, we moved into together I've been dishonest,and deceitful,I've never once cheated nor has she, we got engaged after two months I broke it off cause I came home drunk and moved put, recently after a two weeks we got back together not engaged but b/f,gf now trust has it issues cause like I said I've lied and been deceitful about things I recently started researching healthy relationship sites to see how to go about having one,I've told her about things and mow she feels I'm.cramming my new research down her throat, for last three weeks we haven't communicated, I get hardly no apart affection, she says she loves me but cant trust me, and i ask if she was willing to keep this relationship alive her response was I dont know, I need to find myself and see where that leaves us. I love her with all my heart and she loves me I just need help understanding how to regain her trust when she don't give me a chance to earn it

    Fri 15, Jan 2016 at 2:53am
  • Cc admin Flag

    Dear Steph777,
    I was sorry to read that you are having a very painful and difficult time with your self identity, but was equally glad to read that you are now seeking professional help, perhaps from a counsellor, or your GP. Your story is definately one that many of the users of this service would like to read. Can I suggest you post your story as a new post in the Talk it Out forum so that other users may be able to offer you support and advice.
    With best wishes - Admin

    Fri 30, Apr 2010 at 12:10pm
  • User-anonymous SusieO Flag

    Katie, I am so sad to hear your story but something good has come out of your relationship your wonderful baby boy.  No one can tell you what to do in these situations as only you know your relationship.  I too have got simular problems at the moment, my husband of almost 15 years has been having an affair with the receptionist from the optitians.  I found out after 5 weeks, I too knew it really and when I checked his phone bill online found he was texting a number 30-40 times a day. I rang the number and a woman answered. I asked her outright if she was having an affair with my husband and she blantantly lied on the phone. I confronted him and he admitted it. Blamed me of course, I work long hours, I don't give him any attention.  I too was supporting him financially, I set him up in a business which is not yet making money, I am taking the whole responsibility for our financials and my mum is helping us out to try and help him to make it work and this is how he repays me.
    Since I found out (about 5 weeks ago) we have talked endlessly, we have talked more than we have ever talked.  He says he wants me and our family but he is wracked with guilt and wallowing in self pity.  I let him do that out of fear of losing him.  Yesterday I decided that had to stop - I am fortunate, I have a proffessional job and can get counselling support through work which has really helped me - she asked me what I wanted and needed and why I was not making me important.  She talked to me about the fact that I wanted him not just to say he wanted to be with me (which I too did not always believe)but to demonstrate it to me do something different show me we can move on.  What I needed is for him to do something different not just talk and wallow and cry and feel guilty.  I came back from that session a stronger person, I realised I could (although I don't necessarily want to) cope on my own if I had to can put in the practicalities to support me to be a single working mother, go elsewhere for emotional support, if he won't commit to changing.
    I normally spend a long time wieghing things up, this time I did not.  I asked him to meet me and I asked him to listen to me.  I told him my needs were important, I was hurt and distrusted him but I can't cope with dealing with his guilt and his issues and he needs to take steps to do that himself otherwise I can't see a way forward for us.  I needed  for him to not just say but demonstrate that he was committed to me and that he loved me but also that he could take steps to change, get help and look to change himself.  He admitted that he has never been able to face things and has always buried his feelings.  That was a really good first step.  Today he rang relate and has an appointment tonight.  Whilst he is demonstrating that he will do things to change there is hope for us at the point he stops I know I can cope on my own as I deserve better than being a sumissive unfulfilled wife.
    The re building of trust is not going to happen overnight - it may never happen but I am willing to try if he is.  If he is not I am going to put myself and my children first.
    I hope this helps - take any support you can get to work this through.
    Good luck Katie

    Tue 5, Jan 2010 at 10:27am
  • Cc Morwenna Flag

    Dear KatieO
    I am so sorry that you are feeling distressed, you say that you feel used by your partner but can't tackle him about this for fear of losing him.  Developing a new relationship and caring for a baby at the same time is bound to be exhausting and cause heightened emotions, but it does sound as if you have had trust issues around your partner for some time now.  I wonder whether he would go to relationship counselling with you, this would enable both of you to talk honestly about how you are feeling about your relationship in a safe environment, see or for access to counselling.  If your partner won't go with you, I wonder whether you could go on your own, at least to start with, to get helpwith feeling safe in talking honestly to your partner about your concerns.  I know you love him deeply but I do wonder what you are getting out of this relationship!  
    Could I also mention that, as a new site user, you have posted on the "Check it out" section but the "Talk it out" section (click on the icon at top of this page) is the better place to post unless you are actually commenting on an article, if you post on "Talk it out" you are likely to get far more responses from the site community.  Good luck with the way forward, I do hope your situation improves for you.

    Thu 5, Nov 2009 at 11:18am
  • User-anonymous KatieO Flag

    Hi, Im new to the site and didnt know where to start and this seems an appropriate place, Trust!  I need some guidance on how to move forward from my present place.
    My partner and I have been together a year and a half, I fell pregnant after we had been together for only 9 months and now have a beautiful son.  When we were first together everything was rosey we were really happy, and then unfortunately last year my partner lost his job so we quickly moved in together and although things were tough (my partner became very down and so did I) I think we coped ok. 
    Finally in May this year my partner found a new job, things were on the up for us both I thought.  However one evening he said he was going out with a friend into town for a drink (this was quite rare for him, but I thought at first he was just trying to get some space and have some fun before our son was born, when it was likely he would be in alot more).  However something didnt feel right, call it intuition I guess.  I was here alone, I cried all night as I knew that something was wrong he didnt call or text and I didn't either (maybe I was testing him?) Anyway I lay awake in bed unsure if he was coming home.  I locked the door and woke up the next morning he wasnt there, to avoid conflict thinking it must be me who is being stupid, I went straight out early in the morning worrying where he had been.  He said he had tried to come home at around 4 in the morning (I was awake until 4 and didnt hear him) and consequently went for a drive as he was locked out (hence he wasnt outside when I left in the morning around 7).  Anyway he was acting strangely and I acted on my distrust for him, checked his wallet and found a reciept for condoms.  I confronted him, although we didnt really argue he told me he had met up with an old flame and realised he made a mistake and he was sorry, he said nothing had happened with her.  I asked to see the packet, which he gave me none were used.  I'm not sure if I believed him, but I was so scared of being alone that I tried to surpress my feelings of hurt and anger.  He said he was having committment issues, and was struggling to come to terms with becoming a father.  Anyway I tried to put it behind me, which although it kept coming back (I would spend hours wondering whether he really loved me, how could anyone love you and betray you so badly when you are pregnant with there child?).  Anyway our son was born in August, and again things were tough but he was so brilliant during the birth (I had lots of complications and our son was in intensive care for a week).  I thought finally things were starting to get back on track I came home wanting to make a fresh start.  Anyway after only a couple of weeks, things changed again.  My partner was always secretive with his phone, and although when he went out I trusted he was going to see mutal friends I still had/have a lot of niggling doubts.  I checked his phone and I read sent messages to a girl, although a bit random asking why she wasnt wearning make-up to work anymore, had she been waking up late?  The last message I read went something like ' you need to move on from this, we are going around in circles...' although I probably should have read this in a positive light  ie. whatever had happened was in the past and wasnt going to be repeated why did he still text her.  Anyway suffice to say, this girl worked with him (knew I was pregnant, what sort of person could she be to do that to another women during what is suppost to be the most precious time of her life?).  Again I confronted my partner, he moved out for a week or so, he said that it was actually this girl he had seen back in June but he had told her on numerous occassions that he wasnt interested it was just lust (how those words haunt me now).  But why did he still text her?  He said he would'nt speak to her again, and has found a new job (although I am fearful it could happen again). I feel so betrayed by this.  My partner although at the time we had these issues said he loved me and he wanted to work it out.  However I keep dwelling on this and am really struggling to forget and forgive him.  He rarely shows me affection, only tells me he loves me in a text message or in reply to me.  He comes home from works sits on the computer and makes conversation every now and then.  I feel indifferent to him, like I could be anyone.  Part of me feels a bit used, I support/supported him financially gave him a home when he lost his job.  He has alot of debt, and only pays a minimal amount every month towards bills.  He has'nt spent any money on our son (except a toy when he was born) and I think he takes everything I do and me for granted.  I blame myself for letting him treat me like this as I don't have the courage to talk about how I feel for fear of arguing or him leaving me.  I just want to feel loved and cherished, yet I feel ugly and distraught pretending I'm ok in front of my him, my family and friends. I dont want people to judge me or think me weak for staying with him through all that has happened between us.  Silly things like the aftershave he wore the night he met her, he rarely wears it and now when he does it triggers my emotions.  I have seen pictures of this girl and she is very attractive, I know I'm not ugly but I keep torturing myself going back to look at them. 
    I really do love him when he is close to me, and whilst I appreciate all relationships have there up's and down's I dont know how to get past these emotions or whether I will ever be able to trust him or any other man again.  I seem ok and then it hits me like rocket and I can't sleep or eat.  What would others do to move on from this?????

    Thu 5, Nov 2009 at 9:10am