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Why doesn't he want me?
My partner and I have an amazing relationship based on trust, friendship, intimacy and mutual respect. My partner is an incredible man that shows me love and affection every day in hugs, random touches and quick kisses.
But he never seems to want to have sex with me?
I have tried all the usuals: wearing something I know will flick his switch, his favourite perfume, initiating, not initiating, watching porn with him, you name it, I've tried it. But he either turns me down, if I initiate (which now leaves me feeling terribly worthless) or very rarely tries it one with me.
I have tried talking to him about it but he gets ratty, saying "you're not happy are you, why are you with me?" I'm with him because I love him and ge makes me happy (apart from this) when he does turn me down, he says "tomorrow, I promise" but it never happens.
In every other aspect of our relationship we are blissfully happy, we are not youngsters and both know that relationships take work, but this is really killing me, I want him so desperately, but he seems uninterested. When we do have sex, it's amazing, he always comments on how compatible we are, so what am I doing wrong.
Please if anyone can help or suggest something I could do differently please do. It has always been this way so it's not as if the 'spark' has died.
I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to try anymore from fear of rejection.
Hope someone here can help me and give me advice on what I'm doing wrong or what I can do to change this.
Thanks
Comments
Hi
I do sympathise. I'm with a lovely man and we were good friends before starting a relationship. We have sex rarely - when this became unbearable for me, I challenged him. We had a row and he told me that he thought I was perfect but that he didn't feel a 'spark/gut feeling' of lust. I was very upset but as I'm a realist, I told him that to base an entire relationship on a teenage emotion was simply unrealistic. He agreed to continue with the relationship but we're limping on. I'm readying myself to leave, to be honest. He's had two failed LTR before and I suspect this may be his rather childish and immature approach to relationships. Value yourself and get your feelings into the open. You can then decide what you want.
Very warmest wishes
its time to be honest with him. you say you have an amazing relationship but then you say you feel worthless as he doesnt want you. does he even know how you feel?
the only way to deal with this is to have a full and frank conversation. he needs to know how you feel and also be able to tell you how he feels. maybe he just has a low sex drive. maybe he can sense desperation and it's off putting...you say he has always been like this so actually, i'd have thought your frustration would have come earlier - when most couples first get together and are at it all the time you would not have been and surely this would have been something you talked about at some point?
you say he is an amazing man but i beg to differ - you have needs and are feeling worthless, neglected and rejected but all he can say is why are you with me if you aren't happy? - that doesnt sound very amazing to me. he should want you to be happy and to try and sort this out. his response is like he doesnt care whether you go or stay which again must make you feel pretty awful.
it's time to sit down and get this all out inthe open without any defensiveness on either side. if you cant talk about this and reach a happy medium somewhere along the line then i fear you may end up quite unhappy and even tempted to stray.
Thankyou for your comments and guidance. And I'm sorry you're in a similar situation!
I have no intention of leaving, he is (apart from this) everything I want from a partner, he is warm and caring, and maybe I have not shown him in a good light with regards to response. That was a one off reply and normally he is a considerate partner happy to converse.
I am trying to understand that he has a demandingly physical job and he is tired. It really is a matter of what I do now.
Like I said, I have no intention of walking away, I had a LTR with my ex husband- a man that constantly indulged in online affairs and x-rated dating sites, so my current partner, his loyalty and faithfulness and genuine friendship and warmth, far exceed anything I've ever had before! I simply wish I could encourage him to 'desire' me!
Do I back off totally now, let him make the moves and 'satisfy' myself I'm the meantime?
I am 38, he is 31 so we are not immature and naive to what a relationship requires to
Maintain and I've tried all the 'tricks' I know of.
I wish you both all the best in your relationships and hope you too find a happy, mutually enjoyable partnership
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