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Affairs & Jealousy

I've been having an affair with a former co-worker for four years now. We're both married. Neither of us wanted to end our marriages. There are no children involved. It was just fun to me, but then, well, I fell hard. I still didn't want to give up my marriage though, and still don't. I just want to be his number two forever. At the same time, I know it's just not the right thing to be doing, he actually works with my husband, though they are not social or anything. They are totally different from each other. It's like I have this need to have this adoration on the side. Thing is, he wasn't ever really good to me. He doesn't love me, we just spent every other weekend (approximately) together for the last four years. He pissed me off several times, but I kept going back.

Last weekend, I drank too much. I got mean and crazy. I'm not good with alcohol, and I know better, but I let it get the best of me anyway. The next morning, he told me it was over. He can't take it when I am like that. I understand. Kinda funny, cuz he is the big drinker, and I only drink with him. I think maybe subconsciosuly I did that so that he would break it off, because I couldn't.

Thing is - I want him back. I don't need to sleep with him, I just need to know that we can be friends and hang out now and then. I cannot say goodbye forever. I'm pretty sure that he has someone else. In fact, that night I did something I have never done, I went through his cell phone text messages. He's at least flirting with someone, if nothing else. And all I can think is - I want to be his number two forever, but that is an impossible thing, and I can't get him out of my head. I can't stand leaving it all bad like that.

I feel so bad and sad and angry - I want to tell my husband what's been going on. I want to tell his wife what's been going on. Why do I want to do that? Will this feeling go away? Is it possible to be friends? Should I just leave him alone? I want to send a text to the girl that I found on his phone and tell her that he's been sleeping with me. How stupid is that? I feel like I am acting like some kind of stalker. How to stop the madness in my mind? I know it should be over, I really don't want it to be over, I can accept that it's over, just not that it ended on that bad note. I just want to have a face to face and know that someday in the future we can hang out like we did before we had the affair. That's what's holding me down, he won't speak to me and well, I am not handling it very well. It's like I don't want to have an affair with him anymore, but I don't want him to be with anyone else ever either. I have to be "it".