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Where do we go from here, please help, I really need some good advice.
I would be grateful for any constructive advice please, I have been engaged since Christmas and in my relationship for just two years. The first year(as it usually is)was wonderful, we were so happy, and he loved me so much. No bickering, nothing. I felt so happy, and I could see that he was too. We moved in together and it was a bit of a struggle as we moved to a tiny flat, all the romance and love seemed to go out of our relationship so quickly. He became short tempered, and swore a lot, I felt so upset and let down by his behaviour towards me. We had a rocky 3/4 months and then I was so shocked as he proposed on Christmas day. I was so happy, but to be honest since then are relationship has been very up and down, a lot of arguments, I get very upset, I feel he breaks me down. All that he can see is that it is all me, he's not willing to take responsibility for anything going wrong between us. I do want to make it work, I wish we could get it back to how we used to be, I really don't want out relationship to end. I look at him as he looks as though he has had enough. It breaks my heart, I feel so rejected. I would be willing to go to counselling but he is not. I don't want it to be over, I just wish he would stop flying off the handle at everything, maybe this has been a sign all along that he wants out and just wanting me to end it. I have my faults too of course and where I was once not argumentitive at all, I now feel it all bubbling up inside of me, resentment towards him which I can't seem to let go of, I wish I could, I did go to see someone at relate on my own to help me with those feelings, I was surprised when I told her everything about our relationship that she said she could see a lot of good stuff going for us. It did make me feel more positive. I think it's just the way he has spoken to me in the past has been so hurtful, and it makes me feel he has no respect for me. I feel pretty worn down by it. We recently moved to a flat that he bought and has been working so hard renovating for us, instructing the builders. I am staying with him because I love him and want it to work and nothing else, but the thought of gathering all my stuff together and moving and looking for somewhere to rent, and being on my own again at 35 is not appealing to me at all, I was so looking forward to our future together. I feel hartbroken at the thought of it, but nothing changes for him, not upheaval.
This may all sound pathetic, but I am a sensitive person, a good person, and I just wish instead of being treated like crap it could go back to how it used to be. I didn’t change, he did, but now my reactions to him are different, so I guess I have changed too. He's 47, and I'm coming up to 35, I really don't know what to do.
Comments
I don't have any solutions to offer you, but there are a couple of books that might help you to work at improving things from your side of the relationship:-
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Im-Ok-Youre-Thomas-Harris/dp/0099552418/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1347535458&sr=8-2
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Couple-Skills-Making-Your-Relationship/dp/157224481X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347535506&sr=1-1
It sounds as if you've accepted that the honeymoon period is over, but I wonder if you are still grieving for the ideal partner that he first appeared to be?
The relate counsellor seems to have held up "the glass half full" side of things, but did you work on how you feel when he gets short tempered?
Is he being bullying and bombastic to intentionally over-power you, or is he someone who cusses and swears when things are not going well, which perhaps causes you to feel intimidated?
Does he see himself as a "doer", and if so, is he rather contemptuous towards people who are not aggressively pro-active?
Is it a gender thing with him?
I think you need to sort how you see his behaviour, i.e. is he just a bully, or is he a rough diamond who lack sensitivity?
If he is a bully and gets the better of people by acting mean, then the short answer is that you will probably be better off taking your chances and looking for someone more reasonable and gentle.
If he’s a rough diamond with a blind-side, then maybe you can learn to hold up a mirror to him when he’s being bad tempered by reflecting back how he is being, rather than reacting to his behaviour in a defensive way.
The OK book on the above link is a good introduction to Transactional Analysis, and TA can be helpful for making sense of fraught interactions in domestic situations. There are various TA websites on the net (some better than others) and it’s quite an easy framework to get your head around. The TA framework can be helpful in making sense of difficult behaviour presented by others, but it can also be very useful for working out the affect their behaviour is having on you, and why you get to feel the way you do.
The Couple Skills book is more about conventional communication from a Cognitive Behaviour perspective – it includes some self-analysis in terms of being assertive, and shows how to avoid being pushed into a negative response, and how to stay positive and grounded. Sometimes it's the ability to push someone's buttons that gives the the 'pusher' the power.
It might be that he will push you to your limit to see where the boundary lies – some people will do that.
If your are 35 and he’s 47, it’s probably going to be easier for you to start afresh with another partner than it will be for him – so maybe you have the edge in that respect.
If nothing seems to work, then it might be a good idea to try some more counselling, but with another counsellor – counselling can support people through breaking up as well as making up.
Whichever way things go, my hunch is that you will need to look for self-validation elsewhere, whether that be within yourself, or from sources outside of this relationship.
Sky
Thank you Sky, I appreciate you taking the time and writing to me. I'm going to try and take on board what you have written, and look in to those books. Thanks very much. S